What season do you associate with your children? is it the season that they died in? Or maybe another reason like a beautiful time you spent together. What emotions arise in you when that season comes around? What is it in that season that triggers feelings and memories for you? Is it the scent in the air? The color of the leaves? Do you look forward to this season because you feel more connected to your children or do you dread it? Do you have a symbol that represents your child?Share how you came to find that symbol and what it means to you.
There isn't one season that is overwhelmingly "Kayla" to me. In some ways, it is summer since she was due in July. July 26th to be exact....so far we have passed by July three times since we lost her and every year on July 26th I think of her, and wonder what our lives would have been like. I also think of her of course in March, when she was born and died. Approaching it isn't as hard since it is also a happy time, Emily's birthday is just 5 days before. So we have been busy preparing for her arrival and celebrating her birthday. But the day of is always sad for me. On the first anniversary I awoke feeling like my chest was heavy, and despite having this beautiful new baby girl, I cried the entire time I got her ready that day.
For some reason I also associate Christmas with her. I guess because it is both such a happy and sad occasion in one. When Christmas is happy, it's extra happy. But when it is sad, it is especially sad. Christmas was a special time for us when I was pregnant with Kayla. It was just barely a month since we had announced to close family, and the first time seeing everyone since so we were all happy and excited. We also announced to my SIL and BIL on Christmas day. We also talked and dreamed about what next Christmas would be like, with our little one on her first Christmas. I was so excited.
When we lost Kayla, one of my first thoughts was, I cannot do Christmas this year. We talked about going away for it, not decorating at all, not seeing family, just making it a regular day. As time went on and when we got pregnant with Emily, I felt less hostile about Christmas, but it still brings up mixed emotions.
Our symbol for Kayla is a butterfly. My husband and I were at the cemetery picking out a symbol to put on her gravestone. The funeral director suggested we choose something that reminded us of her, but we barely got to know her, so nothing was standing out. Then I saw a butterfly, and I mentioned to Ryan how butterflies was going to be the theme of her room. So we decided it would be perfect. We have since learned that the butterfly is a very common symbol of a loved one who has passed. The fact that they start off as a caterpillar, and then go into a death-like state and then morph into this beautiful butterfly, almost like a second life is very symbolic of what we picture our baby as having done. She lived on this earth only a very short time, and now she is a beautiful angel in Heaven. Whenever I see a butterfly, I always smile and think of my girl.
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