I know you all are probably sick of hearing my one and done conundrum and whether or not we will have another child. But I was hanging out with my SIL today and we often talk about it, so it's been on my mind a lot today. Yes, I always pictured myself with two kids....in fact at one point in my life I thought I wanted three. So there is that....accepting how reality actually is vs how we thought reality would be.
But I realized today that a lot of my worry and anxiety over it is more due to the fact that maybe I feel like we should have another kid, and not necessarily that we do want another kid. Our society is very anti-only child. Everyone thinks only children are weird, spoiled, or lonely. I admit, I used to think that. But I've been asked when the next one is coming since I was still pregnant with Emily. I was like good Lord people, let me pop this one out before we start thinking of another one.
Society likes babies, they want everyone to have babies and you're weird and selfish if you don't want lots of babies. Or maybe it's because many people felt pressured into having more children than they really wanted, so they want to see others succumb to that same pressure. As I have stated many times, there is a lot to take on if we were to have another child. First, there is the fact that it could take a long time again, which means I am already of AMA and I will just continue to get older and more anxious about my age if it takes a real long time to conceive. Then there is the worry about having another loss, I would need another surgery to have the cerclage put in, there would be the worry again leading up to 22 weeks, the worry that the cerclage may not work this time.
When you're a loss mom, you not only have to experience all of the pain and anxiety over the possibility of losing another child in the same way, but now you have all this new information, stories of how other mom's lost their babies. So you worry about those things too.....cord accidents, placenta abruption, pre-eclampsia, trisomies, etc etc.
No one can prepare for how you'll feel when you're pregnant. I had never been so tired and exhausted and cranky in my life, but now I would have to do it all again, but this time with a toddler to chase around. I would hope to be in better shape if we tried again, but we all know how easily good intentions to lose weight go, so there is always the very high chance that I would have GD again, even if I did lose weight. Then I would have a guaranteed C section because a VBAC isn't even remotely in my plans.
Emily was a great newborn...but newborns are newborns. Even the good ones are a lot of work. Let's say I got another good newborn (which almost never happens), it would still be hard with a toddler as well. And if I had a difficult newborn, I think I would lose my mind. I get sad and sentimental when I see Emily's newborn clothes, but I really don't miss those days. I do miss her snuggles, and napping on me, but she is so much more fun and enjoyable now. But I am not in any rush to go back to the days of being so tired it hurts (cause let's face it, even good newborns still need to eat around the clock and you still have to get up to feed them), feeling disgusting because I have not been able to shower for three days, I was starving all the time because I had no time to eat. I would get Emily fed, and then I would pump, and then she would cry or need a diaper change or something and by the time I did all that it was time to feed her again.
So in many ways, Emily is more than enough for me. I am very happy with just one child here on earth. But there is still something nagging me, poking and prodding me every day saying, come on, don't you want just one more? And I can't help but think it is just from being programmed for all these years with the idea that I would have more than one child. That society wants me to have more than one child. Maybe I don't necessarily want another one, but I just feel like I should want another one.
Yes, there is the concern that Emily will be sad she doesn't have a sibling to play with. But I have an older brother but I still begged my parents for a little sister or brother. Having a sibling didn't stop me from wanting more. People say, well when you are gone, your child will have no one to share the burden of losing you, or taking care of you in your old age. Yes, but having siblings doesn't guarantee that either. My mom died when she was 53, and 8 years later her brother was left to deal with both of their parents dying three weeks apart and handling their burial and their estate. He had a sister, but she died and so he no longer had her to lean on when his parents passed. Some siblings don't even get along, or speak to each other. And even if they get along well, how often do all the siblings share equally in the care of their aging parents? I love my brother and he is a great guy, but I already know I will be the major caregiver for my dad when he needs it down the road.
The truth of the matter is, my dad, my friends, strangers...they can all makes comments about me having another child, but they aren't going to be the ones to have morning sickness if I decide to get pregnant again, or be overwhelmed trying to take care of a newborn and a toddler, or deal with the screaming fights that my kids get into. It's all so easy to give the advice when you're not the one that has to follow through with the action.
And I think some of the pressure I feel about having another kid probably has to do with missing Kayla. I DO have two kids, but one of them is in Heaven, and my heart will forever feel the missing piece in our family. Maybe it is not another child I am longing for, but my child I had, and isn't here. But I will say, despite the struggle I am having with deciding, I am at least thankful I don't have to go through mourning the loss of never having the other sex. Don't get me wrong, before either of our kids were born, I would have been equally as excited about a boy. If we were to have another, it would be nice to have a boy...but another girl would be just fine too. For whatever reason, I do not feel that I will mourn the son I never had, like I would if I only had a boy, and never got to have a daughter.
I joked with my SIL that making the decision is the hard part. I think I could happily be one and done if we just never dealt with it, and just didn't have another kid without actually making the decision not to. She laughed and said, so you just want to age out? Well, yeah.....I'll be 37 in May, and we would likely not start trying until March. Yes, it could happen quickly like it did with Emily, or it could take a year or more like it did with our first two. That would put me at almost 38, and then almost 39 when I deliver. So in my mind, if we don't start trying for another child by say, June, I don't think I would want to after that.
So maybe I can just decide not to decide, and just let myself age out until I am at the point where I definitely do not want to have another child. I said in my last entry that I am going to the doctor in a few weeks to go back on the pill. My original plan was to go back on, and then go off this winter if we decide to try again, but maybe that's the best plan, to just go back on the pill indefinitely, not have a real plan, and then if we find ourselves at an age where I am definitely no longer comfortable having children, then we could take steps to take permanent birth control measures. See, my constant rambling over the same subject is sometimes productive in helping me come up with a plan that I am comfortable with.
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