Ok, so I know the official lockdown has been lifted for a while now, but things are still so far from normal so I'm still counting. Movie theaters are still closed, a lot of restaurants, gyms, museums...so there really isn't much to do yet so it's still sort of like lockdown.
We haven't done much to catch up on, but Emily did have her first (and second) visit from the tooth fairy. I am so glad she lost her first one home with me, I was so excited to play tooth fairy and it went off without a hitch. I was nervous about waking her up or her catching me. I just happened to have cash on me, which was $5. I probably would have done more for the first tooth, but $5 was what I had so that's what she got. Which is good because I somehow let the other tooth fairy talk me into $5.00 for each tooth, ugh! Which is why I am glad she lost her second tooth at his house :)
Years ago, probably when she was still a baby, I had bought her this tiny silver box to put her tooth in. It's silver and has a pink tooth fairy on the top. So she puts her tooth in there, the tooth fairy takes it, removes the tooth and leaves her empty box for her along with the money. It's funny because she seems to be starting to get skeptical about Santa, but she totally believes in her. Man, I still remember when those tiny teeth first came in. She cut her first tooth around 9 months. How is she old enough to lose them already?!? I can't wait till her top teeth fall out, she'll be so adorable!
So Father's Day weekend she started going back to her dad's again and has been going every other weekend since. It feels so good to be back in old routines, even if things are very different now in every other way. She actually stayed the following week as well. I missed her so much, but her Nana helped her call me every other night, so that helped. The week she was gone I took off work and my dad came over and retiled my bathroom. Or he got started at least. Here we are, two months later and still not done yet. But stuff keeps coming up, but it is now about 90% done, so hopefully soon. I can't wait till it's done and my house can stop looking like a construction zone.
So Emily's school district voted on how to return this fall. They had originally said they would follow a plan for whatever phase our state is in. Phase 1-3 would be all online, phase 4 would be hybrid which is 2 days in school and 3 days online, and phases 5 and 6 would be all in-person. We're in phase 4, so I had made my peace with a hybrid plan. I didn't like it, but I figured 2 days at school was better than none, and her dad and I could trade off, helping her with her school work each week. I'd do two days one week and he'd do one, and then the following week he'd do two and I'd do one....or at least that was MY plan. His input was a little less than helpful but I digress.
But just this week, the school board voted 6-1 to start the first 9 weeks online. Ugh. But on top of that, I am not optimistic that it will only last 9 weeks...I am sure the entire fall term is shot, and possibly part of or all of winter/spring as well. I do not agree with it at all. Yes, I love my daughter. Unless you're a monster, everyone loves their kids and would give their own life to protect theirs. But I am really not worried about Covid. Like at all. Kids have been largely unaffected by it, the vast majority that does get it are asymptomatic or have a very mild case.
What I am worried about is her education. And her mental health. And her socialization. We're going on month 5 of basically being home just about every day. That is not good for anyone. We've gone out for dinner a couple times, but that's not in the budget to do all the time anyway, and we make trips to Target and Home Depot, but even that is donning masks which just breaks my heart to see her with a mask on. I resisted it till the very end until our Governor made it mandatory that everyone wears them in public. I hate it, but I also cannot spend all day trying to find places I can go without one and/or face the chance that some crazy person will attack me, even just verbally in front of Em, for not wearing one.
I'm not insensitive to the fact that some people are vulnerable to Covid and some people have died. That's very sad, any life lost is sad. But 6 months ago, if anyone went to a therapist and said, doctor....I don't want to leave the house because I am afraid of illnesses, or being in a car accident, or insert X event here that can harm you or take your life. They tell them they only do online ordering, they don't see friends and family, they keep their child home from school because they're so afraid. The therapist would probably be very concerned and potentially diagnose them as being paranoid and agoraphobic. But now suddenly, it's totally acceptable to ruin people's small businesses, damage our mental health, ruin relationships, and turn the world upside down for a virus that has a very very high survivability rate. I just don't understand.
I am way more scared of car accidents, and childhood cancer, and bullying, and abductors, and dog attacks, and pretty much anything other than Covid. Back when I was pregnant with Emily, I was very scared. Not only of losing her the same way I lost Kayla, but of the million other ways I had since learned can take your unborn baby. One day my therapist said to me Amy....you probably drove here today, not overly concerned or even thinking about the possibility that a drunk driver could hit you and seriously hurt and kill you. I said you're right, I didn't. And he said if you stopped at a store, you probably went in and bought your things and didn't even give it a second thought that some crazy person could come in and shoot everyone. Both of those things were possible but probably wouldn't happen.
So he encouraged me to view my pregnancy in the same way. You cannot live in fear of what if. And he didn't tell me this to minimize my fear or trivialize it. I had very good reason to be fearful, and he understood that. But he was trying to offer me perspective so that I could realize that my past did not dictate my future, and just because something bad can happen, it doesn't mean it will. It definitely helped me to have some very good days and not worry, and it helped me worry a little less on my very bad days. So when I say these things about so many other bad things happening that we don't hide in our homes from, I don't say it out of judgment (Ok I admit, I do judge people wearing a mask, driving alone in their own car) or thinking people are nuts. I would imagine each person that is very scared of Covid has their own reasons for being so. But to offer some perspective, and try to help people realize that the repercussions of staying homebound for too long can and often will be more detrimental than the virus itself. Maybe it doesn't do any good, but you never know how your words might stick with someone.
So, Ryan and I talked and we agreed to send Emily back to the private school that she attended for the second half of her preschool year. It was a hard decision because Ryan really wanted her to stay there for K-8. But, while we were still married, we were always on the same page about her school. He went to that school and he always said how much he hated private school and we were in agreement that she'd attend public school. But as soon as we separated, he was pro-private school. I am not, for the very big reason of, we cannot afford it.
Even if we could, I really see no point in spending that kind of money on K-12 when she can get a perfectly good education in public school for free. Not paying for school now also means we can be better financially prepared to help pay or pay for all of college through undergrad, which would be way more beneficial to her future than paying for private school. I mean, the way I see it, paying for private school is like saying you can buy this brand new 2021 vehicle for $500 (just a random amount to represent school taxes everyone pays regardless) or you can buy this identical vehicle for $500, plus $30,000. Um, seems like a no brainer, right?
Now, I do understand that in some places if the public school system isn't good, it may be beneficial for parents to send their kids to private school. But our public school system is fine, and I wholeheartedly agree that you get out of school what you put into it. My brother and I went to public school and we both have a Master's Degree. My ex-husband went to private school and he doesn't have any schooling past high school. And there isn't anything inherently wrong with that, college isn't for everybody. But my point it, private school didn't take someone like him who didn't like school and had no interest in going to college and make him an all-star student who suddenly decided to go for their PhD. Just like public school did not keep people like my brother and me who liked school well enough and aspired to go on for more education from pursuing our goals.
Ok, rant over. But that's the main thing, we cannot afford it. He talked about all these ways in which we could get free or drastically reduced tuition, but that would be on a year to year basis. I do not want to spend the next 11 years not knowing where Emily will go to school next year, and risking having to pull her out in the 5th or 7th or whatever grade because we cannot swing it that year. I know people change jobs and move and stuff and their kids have to change schools, but why risk that if you don't have to? So anyway, it'll likely be a fight next summer because he will want her to continue there, but if the world is back to normal next year and she can go back to her public school then that is my vote. But I think it's a rule that you have to fight with your ex-husband about something, might as well have a pre-determined topic all picked out!
But..., I chose to let her go to private school this year because I need her to go to school. She needs to go to school. She needs routine, she needs a teacher who is qualified and can actually teach things in a way she can understand and not get frustrated because she is also trying to work her full-time job, because oh that's right, teaching is their full-time job. She needs to be with other kids, and have fun. I feel so awful for her every day, stuck at home with me, having to entertain herself for hours at a time, all day every day. I find it funny that pre-pandemic the general attitude was "teachers are so wonderful! They help shape our children's lives, they are our children's future, they are so valuable". Now? "Literally any old idiot can teach their kid at home".
So the private school is offering the choice of in-person or online right now. If our Governor takes us back to phase 3, we will have to go online even there, but they will offer a latchkey program that Emily can attend since Ryan and I are both deemed essential workers. I hope that doesn't happen because I would prefer she is in school, learning 1st-grade curriculum, but at least that is better than home every day with me, bored while I'm working and getting no social interaction.
