So as I said in my last post, Emily being back in school has been a Godsend. She and I are doing so much better, and my mood has improved so much. It's so so nice to have peace and quiet to work all day. So our latest lockdown closed in-person school for high schoolers, but K-8 could still go. A week or two ago I woke up to a youtube message from Em's principal....he always does one on Fridays, which he did as usual, so I was nervous what this Saturday one was about.
So our county came out with a recommendation, not a requirement, that K-8 close as well and go virtual. But being just a suggestion, each school could decide for ourselves, and he announced that we will stay open. Whew!! Thank God! I've loved these last few months of her being in school and I'm grateful for them, but please God don't take them away from me. It does make me nervous that our county will eventually make it a requirement, but hopefully with being off 3 days this week, and their two-week break for Christmas coming up, that will get us to a place where the cases start lessening again and they won't do it.
So even though Em being back in school has improved things, I decided to go back on Wellbutrin. I wanted to stay off medication forever...I guess a part of me feels like I'm being strong or whatever for not needing it. But finally, I decided I didn't like the person or mom I was being. I didn't like being so short with her, and I was so tired of acting crazy and then feeling so guilty over it. So, I went back on.
The last thing I was on was Zoloft, and I hated the way I felt on it. I was like a zombie. I still felt emotion inside, but outside I was a stoneface. I would need to cry, but my body just wouldn't let me. It also made me "mentally tired". It just made me want to sit on the couch all day and do nothing. I can push through physical exhaustion, but I couldn't push through the mental exhaustion. So I decided to try Wellbutrin again.
I wasn't sure if it would be any better because the last time I was on that, I was still working outside the home, 40 hours a week. So I had no choice but to get up and go to work. But when you're your own boss as a stay at home mom, or when your real boss is remote and your schedule is much more flexible, it's a lot harder to push through that and make yourself do things. I also like that Wellbutrin isn't known for causing weight gain or zapping your libido....both very bad side effects when you're in a relationship, lol.
So I felt improvements right away, but when I went back to my doctor she asked if I am happy with my dosage. I said I was feeling much better, but I certainly wouldn't turn down boosting it a little. So she upped my dosage some and now I feel really good. Things with Emily have improved soooo much...like I feel like I can enjoy my daughter again. Yeah there are still days she drives me crazy and I lose my shit, but that just comes with the territory of parenting. But for the most part, I am much calmer and I can keep my frustrations and impatience in check so much easier. I am so so glad I decided to go back on it. I also have not felt any of the issues I had on Zoloft, and I certainly can cry on Wellbutrin as I've done plenty of that lately, lol. It really feels like my miracle drug.
So....we had parent-teacher conferences a couple weeks ago. Wow is all I can say. Em's teacher is...well, not my favorite. I'd noticed Emily seemed to be struggling a lot more this year. I wasn't sure if it was because she lost the last few months of Kindergarten, or if the curriculum at her new school was very different from her old school, or a little of both. Like, she was very good at math last year, but this year it's like all that knowledge just fell out of her head.
I ran into her Kindergarten teacher when I was at her old school to vote, and I briefly told her some of this and she was surprised because she said she always did so well last year. She's also struggling with spelling a lot. We'll practice and practice at home, she'll do well, and then she'll get 6 out of 10 wrong on the test. I was at a loss. Then one day Emily's friend's mom talked to me at pick up...her daughter is also a transplant from the same public school, and she asked me if I felt Emily was doing well, and I shared my concerns. She said she's having the exact same issues with her daughter. We chatted for a few, and I swear everything she said, Em is dealing with that too.
So again, I don't know if it's her teacher or the fact that Emily and her friend are both struggling and are from the public school, or if it's the effects of missing so much school and the stress of the pandemic. I dunno. So we make our appt for conferences and they were to be over the phone due to covid, but she asked if me and Em's dad could come in person rather than trying to do a 3-way conference call. So we get there that evening, and we're waiting outside the door because parents cannot come into the school this year and all the doors were locked. Her classroom was dark, and there weren't many cars in the parking lot. He was like are you sure it's tonight? I said yes, this is what time she said.
We were a little earlier, so we stood around and waited for 20 min past the appt time and gave up. I tried calling her, it rang a million times and went to voicemail but then I couldn't even leave a message because her inbox was full. Oh, and this was after canceling the week prior because she had a bad headache.
Em says she has headaches a lot. I feel for her, I used to get them badly and frequently and I know how debilitating they are. I didn't fault her for the first cancel, but after not calling and not showing that night, I was very irritated and now I was also irritated that it was now the second time the conference didn't happen. My ex also gave me Em's report card that night and her grades, while needing improvement wasn't as bad as I expected, but she wrote that Emily is a delight and while making improvements, she is struggling.
So we both left but we headed to his house because I had to pick up Emily. Her Nana picked her up from school so we wouldn't have to bring her to conferences since that's a very bad idea in my opinion. So this was also the second time I had arranged for childcare for the conference.
So when I got to his house, he had beaten me by a few minutes, and he told me her teacher had called him on his drive. Her reason for the no show? She forgot. What the fuck? Are you kidding me? Who forgets about their scheduled parent-teacher conference? Now, I don't like to play the friend card because I don't think we should get any special treatment, but my ex is best friends with the principal. A teacher shouldn't stand up any of her students' parents, but especially not the best friend of her boss. And then the kicker....she didn't see a need to meet unless we did. Um, what? Her report card was less than great, and she said she is struggling. Why in the hell would we not need to meet for a conference?
Especially with covid and the fact that we can't be as involved with their schooling (can't go inside the building, can't really speak to her teacher much at all) a conference with EVERY parent is needed regardless...even without the pandemic. But to think you don't need to meet with parents whose child is struggling? I was just dumbfounded.
The next day at drop off, she did apologize to me, and I told her we did need to meet still so she told me to text her with a day and time that works. I accepted the apology, but I wasn't very happy. I text her later that day, and she said the day/time was fine. A bit later she text back and said she forgot she has a doctor appt that day. Ugh! So then we agreed on another day and time.
So that Friday at 4pm I sat waiting for her call. Four came and went....4:15 came and went....I text my ex to ask if maybe she had tried calling him by mistake, even though she does have my number but he said no. Finally, she calls at 4:25. Oh.my.God....I am just in disbelief at this point. After canceling once and not showing once, she should have been calling me at 4pm ON THE DOT.
So again she apologizes for calling late and said her husband was there and she was chatting with him for a bit. Um, wut? Ok, I suppose she gets some points for being honest and not making shit up that I would be pretty sure was a lie....but why does she think it's ok to keep me waiting a third time because she's chatting with her husband?????
So, despite all of the difficulty of getting the conference, the actual conference did go well. I felt I had her attention the whole time, and she confirmed my suspicions that Emily could possibly have ADD. I mentioned that her dad has it also and she said ah, yes it is very genetic. So she gave me some tips and advice for dealing with it. I'm always telling Em to stop fidgeting and stop dancing around when we're doing homework and I'm quizzing her on stuff, but she told me movement often helps them focus. Huh, never knew that. It makes sense though, her dad used to walk laps around the house when he was on an important phone call. He could not stay still.
So I've seen some improvements already since I let her just do her thing when we're studying. I feel like it's also made me a little more patient with her....I realize her inability to focus sometimes isn't her just being difficult, so I give her a little more leeway. Even prior to the conference, I found this fun way online to study for spelling tests. You take a bouncy ball, like the size of a soccer ball, and you write the alphabet all over it randomly, so not in order. Say the spelling word is bath. Emily has to find the first letter....so she finds it, says b, and then bounces the ball to me. Then I find the a, and bounce it back and so on. Once the word is spelled, I have her say the word and spell the whole thing again without the ball. She loves it and even asks to "play" it. It definitely makes studying less of a chore.
So last week, she got an A+ on her spelling test!! We still have to get her evaluated of course, but I will be very surprised if they say she does not have it. Maybe it's not as severe as some, but I think she definitely has it to some degree.
So the conference was at least productive, but man I felt like beating my head against the wall about her disrespect for my time. This is why I don't understand the blanket "love" that so many people give to teachers. Yes, teaching is a hard job...but so are a lot of jobs. It is also a job that people chose to do, knowing what it entails and what it pays. There are also some pretty shitty teachers out there. I'm not saying Em's teacher is a bad teacher...like the teaching part, but her time management skills and relationship and respect for parents' time and responsibilities sure leave something to be desired. I loved Emily's kindergarten teacher. I love love loved her! Even talking to her for a few minutes after voting gave me warm fuzzies and I so wished she could be her teacher every year.
But I don't understand praising an entire profession when there are plenty of bad apples. I had several shitty teachers growing up. I had this one in high school that would go places (probably to drink) for 10-15 minutes at a time and he would lock us in the room while he was gone. Wtf? What if there had been a fire? I had another teacher who knew I was being bullied by my former friends in elementary school, and when my dad finally figured out why I didn't want to go to school, he came and talked to my teacher and he said yeah he knew about it, he was waiting for me to approach him for help.
What? The adult was waiting for the 11-year-old to come to them with an embarrassing problem? So are there great teachers out there? Yes, absolutely. I've had some of them, as has Emily. But there are also some very shitty ones. Just like there are shitty CEO's, and shitty cops, and shitty financial advisors, and shitty truck drivers. I guess I'll just never understand society's praise for certain jobs. It's like unless you're a teacher, a nurse, a doctor, a cop (sometimes...depends whether the media is hell-bent on hating cops at the moment or not), fireman, or other first responders, then your job ain't shit. There are literally thousands if not millions of other jobs in the world, but for some reason, people love to give praise to just those 6 professions.
I guess the rest of us having amazing working conditions and our jobs are so easy and our pay is phenomenal that we don't get any praise, lol. And no, I don't need praise or a national day of recognition for my job, I just think it's dumb to praise an entire profession that has both good and bad people doing it, just like any other profession does.
So, this latest lockdown has got me sad that it will likely mess up me and Emily's annual tradition of going to see The Polar Express in December. I mean, the lockdown and closure of movie theaters are supposed to only be until December 8th but come on, I don't believe for one second it will end on December 8th. I'm betting January 15th at the absolute earliest. But, I've come up with a plan to make it fun at home. I'm going to get some gold cardstock and print out movie tickets on it. So that night, we'll get our PJ's on and I'll give her her ticket and I'll take it at the door like at a theater. We'll turn out all the lights and we'll have popcorn and candy.
I'm actually a little bit more excited about this plan than if the movies were open. But I'll be very happy to go back to the theater next year if the world is somewhat back to normal. She overheard me talking to my dad on the phone a couple weeks ago about the closure, and her face fell and she said movies are closing again? I said yeah, and she looked so sad.
It wasn't really in my budget, but after school the next day (two days before the closure would take effect) I told her to get her shoes on, we were going to the movies. She was sooooo excited. We saw The War with Grandpa. It was pretty cute and funny. When the movies first re-opened, we went to see Coco. We own it on DVD, and we have it on Disney +, and we've seen it a million times, but we were so desperate to go to the movies, we just wanted to go. We had the entire theater to ourselves, Em loved it. She thought it was so cool to get to talk at a normal level and not worry about being quiet. Man, I love seeing that little girl happy.
Her elf on the shelf arrived back this morning. I'm glad to see she is still excited about her and seems to still believe. She was kind of doubting things a little last year, so I was afraid it would be her last year believing. I'm glad she still has that, she needs good things to get excited about right now. Speaking of, I had better go move the elf before I forget.
