Time is precious

Whaaaaat?  Two posts in one week?  Yep, getting a start on my new year's resolution to blog more.  Or maybe I just heard a topic on the radio that I wanted to write about.

So I was supposed to go into the office yesterday, but my supervisor told me if it was snowy, not to bother.  Ok!  I still have to go in tomorrow, but Ann Arbor traffic sucks on a good day, so I gladly avoid it when there is snow.  I still had to take Emmy to my dad's though...she swears she will just play and be fine, but she gets so bored and impatient when she is home all day when I am working.  I'm sure she had more fun at Baba's anyway.

So I was driving home, and one of the DJs on the radio was talking about her daughter's recent win with her dance group and how sad she was that she had to miss it.  Then they all got talking about their kids' stuff they have to miss because of work and how hard it is to be a working parent and the guilt that comes along with missing some of your kid's events and milestones.

First let me say, there are downsides to working from home....I don't get as much social interaction, it can be isolating to work from home, and far too tempting to be a bum and stay in pj's all day.  You also need the motivation and discipline to work when you don't have a boss nearby and I've worked many many late nights in order to be free when Em needs me.

But, I feel so very lucky that working from home allows me to spend so much time with her.  I only went back to my old job for two months after maternity leave, so I was there with her so much of the time since birth.  I got to see all of her firsts....the first time she rolled over, the first time she pulled herself to stand, I got to see her progression of being able to sit up by herself, and teach her so many things.  I was there for her first word, her first steps, and we got to just hang out and play and cuddle when she was tiny.  Even when I went back to work, that first year I only worked 10-15 hours per week so I still had a ton of time to be with her.

Even now, aside from when she is with her dad, I am available to take her to school and pick her up every day, I can re-arrange my workday if she is sick and needs to stay home or go to a doctor.  I can be at parent/teacher conferences, and school recitals...

I won't lie though, making it on one income is tough and I don't make what I could for having a Master's degree.  I don't even work 40 hours...I work 35 a week because working 40 would mean I have to go into the office 3 days a week instead of the 2 I do now.  Yes, every bit more I make helps, but by the time you figure in my commute time, gas, and the miles on my lease, that extra 5 hours per week is more like 2.  Even then 2 more hours pay/week would be better than nothing right, but the days I go into the office, I cannot get my full 7 hours in.  In order to pick up Em from school, I have to leave early, and that means working more from home later on.  Working 1, maybe 2 nights a week after Em goes to bed isn't horrible, but I really don't want to make it 3 nights a week.  Since Em started school and I can work while she is in school, and the number of nights I have to work has decreased a lot so I really don't want to go backward and have to work more nights again.

Don't get me wrong, I make enough to cover bills but I have to seriously budget to make sure they're covered and that leaves very very little extra to do any fun stuff.  Anything unexpected or out of the norm like having to buy someone a birthday gift or a cost that I forgot about like license plate tab renewals or something throws a serious wrench into my budgeting.  But I make it work and I am thankful to at least have enough to cover essentials. But I do occasionally get angry that I cannot even "go nuts" from time to time and spend an extra $20 at Target on non-essentials, and I am seriously jealous of people that can just decide to jet off on a getaway for the weekend, or even take one or more real vacations a year.  I am currently saving up to take Em to Disney again (for a trip she'll remember this time).....for 3 years from now.  Yep, I've been saving for a year and it will take another 3, and I am not even sure if I'll have enough by then, but dammit, I will take my baby to see Minnie again!

Sometimes I think about the fact that I could be much more financially secure if I got a job with a salary that is more in line with my level of education.  But, I would miss out on a lot of Emily's stuff.  I wouldn't be able to take her to school and pick her up....I would miss out on that adorable face that breaks out into a smile when she sees me waiting for her outside her classroom.  I'd miss out on her running to me and hugging me.  I'd have to depend on my parents and ex-inlaws to get her to school and pick her up, and also likely pay for a before and after school program some days (which oddly enough, Em wants to go to).  I'd have to take PTO to stay home with her on a sick day, or go to a conference, or see her perform in a concert.  I wouldn't have lazy days like I had Monday when I get to be home with her all day while working from the comfort of my recliner.

Money is great, and financial security is awesome, but before I know it Emily will be all grown up and on her own.  We only get one lifetime with our kids, and I love how much time I get to spend with her now.  My job allows me to afford our essentials and some non-essentials and I enjoy my job too.  There may be people making 6 figures and can buy whatever they want, but are miserable every second at work.  The best thing my job gives me is time with my Emmy-do and that is priceless.  I pinned this quote the other day, and it's so very true..."The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it". 

Maybe my new years resolution should be to blog more than just twice a year.  Seriously, I cannot get my shit together to update this.

So the first half of Kindergarten has gone well.  I cannot believe the year is half over already.  Em has so much fun at school and is learning a lot.  I see so much improvement on things like her drawings and reading.  She's got a lot of sight words down, so hopefully she will be reading by the end of the school year.

Halloween, while fun, was a miserable cold, rainy, windy day.  I had that week off work, so I painted my living room.  Not exactly a vacation, but our new furniture didn't match the old paint, and that room hadn't been painted since we moved in ten years ago so it was in need of a new coat.  I have never been the best painter in the world, but compared to the crap job we did the first time (it was the couple weeks we were painting and fixing stuff before moving in, so I can only assume we rushed it because we were sick of painting) I must say, I did a damn good job.  The only mistakes I made were either fixed right away or are not noticeable.  I love it.

So Ryan came over and we took Emily trick or treating together.  A far cry from the previous year when I had to get out all my tears after mediation before seeing Em, and not even wanting to be in the same room as Ryan.  What a difference a year can make.  He somehow talked me into doing a family costume, so Emily was Mal from The Decendents, I was Maleficent and he was Hades.  Em loved it, but sorry, I won't be doing that again, lol.  I hated spending $60 on a costume I wore for one hour, and my gown was too big and too long.  I had to hold the umbrella in one hand, and hold my wadded up gown in the other so I wasn't walking on it.  My horns also kept bumping into my umbrella and kept falling off.  But Emily had fun, and got a decent haul despite not too many people handing out candy.  Then the three of us went to dinner afterward.

A couple weeks later my grandma, my last living grandparent, passed away so Em and I headed up north for her funeral.  Emily did well, it was her first official funeral.  She went to my SIL's dad's funeral in August, but there was only mass at the church, no funeral home, and he was cremated so no body or coffin so I am not sure she entirely understood it was a funeral.

So coming home from up north we got hammered with snow.  I was not pleased to come home to a LOT of snow on our driveway, and the fact that I had to get out of the car and tromp through it in just tennis shoes to open the gate so we could get in the garage.  Trying to open the gate against all that snow was not easy.  I still had to work the next day because ya know....no excuse when you work from home.  But I had been planning on going into the office that day and the clinic was closed and Emily had a snow day as well, so it was at least nice to not have to get up early and rush out the door.  It was also the first day of Disney +, so once I got the snow blown, we watched lots of Disney movies while I worked in the living room on my laptop.

Early November is very early for a snow like that, so I was very pleased when it melted within a week.  We've had some pretty bitter temps since then, but nothing more than a light dusting of snow that made me clean off the car a little and was melted by noon.  Now this whole week leading up to Christmas and since has been in the upper 40's, 50's and I think it even hit 60 one day.  I normally love a white Christmas, but now that snow removal is all on me, I am beyond fine without it.  I would be thrilled if we didn't get another flake of snow for the rest of winter.  I am sure that won't happen, but ya never know. 

Christmas was great this year, I did a ton of stuff with Emily and carried on traditions we have been doing for years and also started some new ones.  In December, an Imax theater near us plays The Polar Express every night and we started the tradition last year and went again this year.  If the kids wear their pj's, they get free popcorn (which we did not know last year) so we went to see that one day after school.  Emily was sooooo excited.  Man, I remember how amazing Christmas was as a kid, and it was truly amazing, but seeing it through my little girl's eyes and seeing how excited she gets is 100 times better than experiencing it myself.  I wouldn't let Emily watch the movie at home before we saw it in the theater so it would be more magical, seeing it on the big screen for the first time of the season.

We also baked cookies one Saturday, went to a Christmas light fest that we've done every year since she was a baby and watched tons of Christmas movies at home.  The first Friday night in December we went out to dinner and then went and got our Christmas tree.  I know some women just choose not to or cannot, but I do my very best to not let Em miss out on stuff we would have done if her dad and I were still together.  I am thankful the guys at the tree lot are willing and able to tie the tree to the roof of my car, but I climb up and drag the son of a bitch off my car and into the house.  I did go for a slightly smaller tree this year....I scraped the ceiling with it last year I and I spent many arduous hours painting the ceiling, I was not about to scratch it up this year, but it was still surprisingly heavy.  Going to get our tree as a kid was one of my favorite things to do and Emmy loves to go pick out a real tree, so I will drag it inch by inch if I have to.  I do park in the backyard though and bring it in the back so my neighbors don't see me wrestling with it, lol.

The bad news is, at 5 she already seems to be doubting (or at least is forming some suspicion) over all things Santa.  She still LOVES Christmas and Santa and she still believes, but I noticed a change in her this year.  Last year I bought a second Elf on the Shelf for her dad to keep at his place, and we just told her it's the same elf and she flies back and forth between houses.  But when I was over there picking her up one day, I said oh look, Mixi is here.  She matter of factly says that's not Mixi, that's a different elf.  Her dad and I played dumb and said no it's not, it's Mixi.  She says no, I promise you it's not....you want to know how I know?  Mixi has chocolate in the corners of her mouth, and this elf doesn't.  Damn...my kid is way too observant.  Our Mixi had gotten into her chocolate kisses from her advent calendar, so despite cleaning off her face, I hadn't taken the time to clean out the tiny corners of her mouth.

I did do it the next day or so, and I am not sure if she noticed when the chocolate disappeared, but not long after that, she did seem satisfied that it was the same elf.  Daddy had better step up his game next year....some nights I do just put her in a funny spot, but a lot of times I have her get into some fun mischief (thank you Pinterest) but her dad just moves her around to different spots.  Next year she may notice that Mixi is a lot less mischievous at daddy's house, lol. 

And while she was still excited about Mixi's arrival, her enthusiasm to find her each morning wasn't as high as it was in years past.  She used to jump out of bed and go running to look for her.  Now she is content to come in my room, wake me up, and then lay there playing on my phone for 15-20 minutes while I snooze for a few more before she goes and finds her.  The night before we took her to see Santa, I showed her from my FB memories the one and only year she sat on Santa's lap when she was a baby.  She studied the picture and then asked who that was.  I said it's Santa.  She goes, for real?  I said yeah....but then I realized, if it wasn't the same guy when we went the next day, which it may not be since they have a few depending on what time you go, Ms. Super Observant is going to notice.  So I had to come clean that he isn't THE Santa because the real one is so busy at the north pole, so he's a helper. 

She seemed satisfied with that.  So, nothing major, but I can see the seeds of doubt being planted.  But that may not be a bad thing.  I do hope she just gradually figures it out on her own.  I had to be told when I was a kid.  I was happily ignorant and could have gone on believing for who knows how long.  I remember being so devastated when my mom told me.  I thought I'd never enjoy Christmas again and I kept hoping I would forget by next year.  I hope to not have to crush her little fantasies someday.  But whether or not she figures it out on her own or is told somehow, I would really love to have at least two more years of her believing. 

Ryan had Emmy the weekend before Christmas, which was kind of good because I had Monday off this year as well as Christmas eve and Christmas day, so it gave me a chance to clean the house and wrap gifts.  I picked her up Christmas eve afternoon and then she and I got ready for church.  We went with my dad....I love Christmas eve service.  After that we headed to my brothers where I ate way too much food, we opened presents and then tried to play Apples to Apples afterward but none of us would stop talking long enough to get the game started.  My brother did get out his Friends Trivia game and asked me random questions while we waited for the game that we never played to start, and I crushed them all.  I am not sure if that is a good thing or bad thing, haha.

Finally we had to get going, it was going on midnight and waaaaay past her bedtime.  We were tracking Santa on Norad, but thankfully since Em is still in the beginning stages of learning to read, I could fib and say he was close by, rather than the truth, which was he had already left Michigan and was headed out of the US.  She fell asleep on the way home but she's so big and leggy now, I cannot carry her in without waking her up.  But I just pretended that I heard Santa's sleighbells nearby and she quickly jumped into bed and was thankfully asleep soon after. 

The next morning we got up and her dad came over and we watched her open her gifts.  She kept wanting us to open our gifts that she made at school (a calendar with a picture she drew on each month) before she started opening her own.  She's such a sweetheart.  She loved all her gifts....Santa brought her a 'Lil Woodzie Schoolhouse, a kinetic sand kit with construction equipment, a brush and hair spray set for her American Girl Doll, some gel glitter markers, and then I got her a "If my Cat Fiona could talk" book, a small wooden music box that plays You are my sunshine (the song I have been singing to her since she was a newborn) a little pack of nail polish, a lipgloss, a teeny ty and a stuffie Minnie Mouse ornament.  I felt like I didn't get her much great stuff, especially since the book and the music box took up half the budget.  But considering I spend the amount we used to spend on her together (and I am sure her dad spent the same as I did, if not more....the man loves to shop) plus all she got from grandparents, and aunts and uncles, she is not in need to toys. 

I don't want to spoil her....as an only child she's already doomed for that, and now a kid of divorced parents too?  But she is seriously the most appreciative kid ever.  I think you could wrap up a rock and give it to her and she would jump up and down and say oh thank you mommy, I love it.  So, it is what it is.  I firmly believe a kid can have a lot of stuff, but still not be spoiled as long as they are taught to appreciate it and be thankful.

So after she played with her toys for a bit, she and her dad went back to his house for Christmas day with his family.  I hate not having her on Christmas day, but I have Christmas eve which is when my family celebrates, and we both get to see her open her presents on Christmas morning.  I just dread the day that has to change, because it will one day.  Someday Ryan will have his own place (he's still staying with his parents for now) and want to be able to have her wake up at his place on Christmas morning.  Or I'll get a serious boyfriend/he'll get a serious girlfriend and they may each have kids and we'll want to have our own Christmas celebrations with our new families.  But for now, I am glad to have what we do. 

I had a few invites for Christmas day, but I decided to just stay home.  The night before, after church I had picked up Arabic food, and it keeps well so that was my Christmas dinner (and lunch) and I just laid around in my jammies and binged watched TV.  I did have to work the next day, and it's hard to work when Em is home.  She gets bored when I cannot entertain her for 7 hours of the day.  Ryan had to work the next day too, but I said she could spend the night there Christmas night so they'd have more time together, and then the next day she hung out with her grandma until I got done working. 

After her being gone for the 2.5 days leading up to Christmas and then all of Christmas Day and the next day, I was missing her so badly.  I told my ex-MIL I would be done working at 3 and then I'd come get her....I think I text her and was in the car at 2:58....I couldn't wait to see my baby.  The next day I only had to work half a day, so after noon she and I had the rest of the day together.  From Thursday afternoon till Sunday afternoon, we only left the house to go get take out....we slept in, and stayed in our jammies, and cuddled, and napped, and watched movies for three days straight.  On Sunday I finally showered and we went to Meijer to grab a few things.  She's still off school for the rest of this week, but I had to go back to work today.  I am off on new year's day, but other than that it's a normal work week.  I felt so sad Sunday night....

I mean, we have most weekends together, even on Ryan's weekend, I still have her Friday through Sunday around noon, but still, these past few days home with her have been so much fun, I am just soaking it all up.  I didn't want to go back to everyday life of waking up early and going to work.  I even had that feeling of being a little homesick at the idea of not spending every minute with her.  But my wish came true because I was so stuffed up last night I couldn't sleep.  I don't think I fell asleep until almost 5 and was supposed to get up at 7.  I text my boss and told her I barely slept and would work from home that day and come into the office another day.  I went back to sleep till almost 10, and then worked in the living room on my laptop while Em played and watched movies.  So I still had to work, but I was excited to get to spend another day with her.

I sometimes (often) get sad about how fast she is growing up and how she was just a baby yesterday and today she's in Kindergarten.  But then many times throughout the day I will just look at her and realize she is still little and she's still so so cute (not that I will ever think she is not cute) and I just try to take it all in and soak it all up because someday I will be sad that she is a big 3rd grader, and wish she was still a little kindergartener.  Ugh, can you heart explode because of how much you love your kid, because sometimes I really do think it will just explode one day like it cannot possibly hold all that love. 

Kindergarten!

My baby is officially a kindergartener!  So once again I am way behind, so let me catch up a little. 

Em had a great year at pre-school, despite being shuffled through teachers and having to change schools.  She made a lot of great friends, and I was a bit sad to see her have to leave that school.  But private school was not at all what Ryan and I had agreed on and it didn't even matter because we couldn't afford it anyway.  And I won't lie, I do not miss seeing my ex-husband's best friend every morning while taking my daughter to school.  But I knew she would bounce back, and make friends easily at her new school.  So in June, she had her last day, and they had a little graduation ceremony.

It's funny because pre-kids, I always thought "graduation ceremony?  For preschoolers?  Come on!"  But when it's MY kid graduating I was like aww, my baby is graduating, and we picked out a pretty dress for her to wear (one she already owned, I was thrilled to get a second use our of one of her holiday dresses) and I bought her a Minnie Mouse wearing a cap and gown, and a card.  So we all went to see her graduate, me, her dad, and both sets of her grandparents.  Even my brother came, it was so cute....while I think everything my baby does is amazing, I realize that not everyone else thinks it's quite as monumental.  So I didn't want to invite my brother and his wife, and pretend like it was a bigger deal than it was.  But we were all doing dinner after, so I told them they were welcome to come to that, and said the ceremony is probably just for parents and grands due to space.

But my brother was like oh, can you check and see if we can come....I already scheduled my patients around it.  Awwww, so cute!  He's such a good uncle.  Though since Emily is the only grandkid (for all intents and purposes) in my family, it's pretty much guaranteed that they all DO think everything she does is as great as I think it is.  So she was really cute in her dress and her little graduation cap that they made at school.  Then we went out for pizza afterward. 

So during the winter and spring, I gave dating a try.  Well, not sure you can call it dating when the other person is a million miles away....I read about a term a while back called a "situationship".  We'll go with that.  He was an old friend, I met him years ago, before Ryan and I even met.  We went out a few times back then but there weren't really any fireworks.  Bad timing I guess.  I came across him on FB and decided to say hi.  I didn't really do it with any intention in mind....just that I was single now, and could do whatever I wanted. 

To my surprise, we started talking a lot, and I quickly found myself with dopey smiles on my face while we talked, and butterflies in my tummy.  It was nice.  And for months I looked forward to him coming home....he's in the Army and was deployed.  He finally came home in June, and things went to shit.  We went on one date, and then he ended up getting back together with his ex.  Yep, story of my life.  Some people get cheated on, some people get used.....I get left for the ex.  It has happened to me several times.  But, at least it didn't progress to the point of introducing him to Emily...not even close actually.  But I am glad I at least got back out there and gave it a shot.  I was kind of worried that I wouldn't even want to try dating for a long long time, and I was afraid if I waited too long to try it, it could keep me from trying it even more. 

I do feel sorry for anyone I do date long enough to bring him into Emmy's world though.  She's so shy, especially around men.  She can give a stink eye like a pro.  It's going to take an awfully special guy to win over her.  He'll have his work cut out for him. 

So we didn't do a whole lot this summer....we took a few trips up north, which Em always loves.  The second one was better....I worked the morning before we hit the road, and I took a personal day the Monday we came home, so for the first time in a long time I didn't have to work the entire time we were there.  The first trip I had to work though, and I was sick again while we were there.  I had just barely gotten over that upper respiratory infection I had forever, and then within hours of getting up north my throat started to hurt, it was so bad it kept waking me up at night.  The first night my dad had left the windows open in the room I sleep in, so I got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.  The bathroom floor was all wet because it had rained, so the bottoms of my jammy pants got all wet, and I had to use wet toilet paper....that doesn't work so well. 

So I crawled back in bed, my throat was on fire, my pants were wet and I was freezing.  The next night I was trying to work, but I suddenly got the chills so bad, I couldn't get enough clothes on myself and I couldn't stop shaking.  I just wanted to go home....which we did the next day, but that meant a 4 hour drive, feeling like death.  We had been on the freeway for about 30 minutes when I had a coughing fit...but I coughed too hard, and had to throw up.....I was like shit, how do I throw up while I am driving on the freeway!!  I was just starting to look for a safe place to pull over when thank God I saw a rest area sign.  I pulled in, grabbed the first spot and yacked in the grass. 

Em never lets anything go, for the next two days she had to tell everyone that I threw up at the rest area, and for like half an hour once we were back on the road, she had a million questions.  Why did I throw up, should we have cleaned it up, will it still be there next week, will someone step in it.....and on and on. 

Last week we had to go downtown to Friend of the Court to figure out an issue with the child support payments.  Ryan came too so we could both understand it, and we had to bring Em since we had no one to watch her.  On the way there I wasn't feeling well, but I figured maybe anxiety and nerves of having to deal with those idiots.  When we came out, I felt worse, and we were just about to cross the street to head back to the parking garage, and I was like, I'm going to puke.  Ryan was like, are you serious?  Luckily there was a garbage can right there....so that's something I've never done before....puked on a busy city street.  Kind of embarrassing.  I ended up barfing the next morning too...I think it was a side effect of a new medicine I just started.

Before I was pregnant with Em and had morning sickness, I don't think I had puked since I was a kid....now it seems to be a regular occurrence for me for some reason or another.  I'm like a cat, hacking up hairballs all the time.  So, of course, Em had to go on and on about that too. 

So this past Wednesday was her first day of school.  It was just a half-day, so Ryan and I took her together.  She did really well, we got to stay with her for a few minutes in the classroom, help her hang up her backpack and find her desk, and then we said our goodbyes. 

Picking her up is annoying....until the teacher gets to know which child goes with who, she'll only release them one by one when you tell her which kid is yours.  That's totally fine, and safe, I like it.  But some of the parents could use some re-schooling on how to wait your turn.  When you first get there everyone is kind of spread out, but the minute the door opens, people start creeping up and getting in front of you so they can get their kid....so you have to do the same, otherwise, the entire crowd will creep up in front of you.  Wait your damn turn, jerks! 

She did great, she said she had fun and even made two new friends.  The next day was harder, for me anyway.  Knowing she was staying the whole day and had to eat lunch there, I was a little nervous for her, and a little teary-eyed on the way home.  I decided on the days I work from home, I will walk to pick her up.  It's just under a mile, so almost 2 miles round trip.  She and I walked it a few weeks ago to see how long it would take so I knew how much time to allow.  Man....that's a long walk. 

I used to walk every day on my lunch break....annnnd I used to be many pounds lighter then too.  Back then I could have done that walk no problem, but it was pretty tiring yesterday.  I got there a little early, and they were still out to recess.  I spotted Em, she was playing with a little girl.  There are 3 kindergarten classes, and right now they are in the assessment period.  At the end of two weeks, her teacher will decide based on what she has learned about each kid if they should stay with her, or be assigned to one of the other two teachers. 

Right now her friend she was playing with is in another class, so when they all lined up to go inside, I saw Em waving to her and she even blew the little girl a kiss.  So cute!  I cannot even explain how happy it made me to see her happily playing on only her second day of school, already having made a friend, and seeming perfectly fine.  She never did see me, so it was cool to be able to watch her when she didn't know I was there.  She often acts way different when I am around.  I'm hoping her and her friend end up in the same class, but if not, at least they can play together at recess.  It's better to start off in different classes, then to have a friend in class, and be separated once they switch. 

So once Em came out, she and I began our walk home.  She wasn't a big fan of the walk, and dawdled and complained quite a bit.....she'll run so many laps around the house in a day's time that probably equals 10 miles, but can't handle the 1-mile walk home.  Once we're almost home, there is a 5 lane road we have to cross.  It takes forever because when one side is clear, the other isn't, and I refuse to wait in the center turn lane with Emily.  By myself, I will, but with Em, I wait until the entire road is clear.  So I think, at least until I get used to walking again, I will drive and park on the other side of that busy road and walk from there.  That'll cut the walk down to just half a mile each way.  That ought to make it a lot more bearable....I did enjoy it though, and once I am in better shape, then maybe I'll tackle the walk from our house. 

So now she's off for the holiday weekend, but she's excited to go back next week.  Ahh kindergarten, when kids actually like school and hate having days off for holidays.  The only time they'll feel that way again once they're older is when they have a crush at school that they want to see.  Hopefully, that's still a long ways off. 

So here's my baby on her first day of school....probably way bigger than whichever picture I last shared.

Catch up

Wow, per usual I am way behind on writing.  I will try to sum up the last several months in just a few paragraphs, haha, yeah right.  So this year just wouldn't be what it has been without another major monkey wrench in Emily's life...the whole problem with her teachers just got worse when the new lead teacher up and quit last fall, leaving just the assistant.  Not that anyone seemed to care much, that new teacher turned out to be about as warm to the kids as a block of ice, and didn't make much of an attempt to keep things familiar and routine for them. 

So the assistant was able to finish out 2018, and she had the experience and qualifications to be the full-time teacher, but she lacked the number of teaching hours that the state requires in order to be the lead teacher.  So at what turned out to be our last meeting in December, we were told if they could not find a new lead teacher in the next two weeks, they would be forced to close, either permanently or at least for the remainder of the 2018/2019 school year. 

Most people agreed that they wanted to try and stick it out, and do whatever they could to help the school find a new teacher.  I did too, but I also didn't want to cling to an impossible reality, and then have no school for Em when it closed.  If they couldn't find a suitable teacher in the last 9 months of looking, I held no hope for the next two weeks.  So when I picked Em up after the meeting, Ryan and I agreed her last day there would be the last day before Christmas break, and we would find a new school for her.  I figured even if they did somehow find someone new, what was to say she would be any good or stick around?  The board had already failed the kids and us by not telling us at the start of the school year that their teacher was only interim, so I had no faith in them to keep the school going.  They didn't make it, by the way, no teacher was found, so they did indeed close.  It does sound like some good changes have been made, and they will be re-opening for 2019/2020.  That does us no good of course, but that school had been around since the 70's.  I was sad to see it run into the ground by an incompetent board.

It was not what I wanted to do, but I agreed that if they would take her, Emily could go to Ryan's old private school, where his best friend was now principal.  I figured it would be very difficult to find an opening in any of the co-ops around, and while I did enjoy being involved in her school, the idea of coming into a new co-op mid-year, catching up on fundraising goals and working in the classroom schedule and whatever job I would have sounded very daunting.  I did have issues with sending her to his old school, but I will admit, it was nice to just let her go to school, and not deal with all of the co-op stuff and involvement right then.  Things were still stressful with the divorce, and having one less thing on my plate was a good thing.

So Christmas was good....it was different but good.  We hosted my family on Christmas Eve, and then Ryan came over Christmas morning to watch Emily open her presents.  She loved all her gifts, and I think she had a very nice Christmas.  Once she had a chance to play with some of her things, I got her ready and then she left with her dad to go spend Christmas day with him and his family.  Having nowhere to go, I was just going to stay home and wallow in my misery, but my sister-in-law and brother had a change of plans with her family, so they insisted I come over and not sit home and feel blah.  I took a nap after Emily left, but then I managed to shower and go to their house.

My SIL ended up being very sick, so she holed up in her room all day, and my brother and I headed out to get Chinese not long after I got there.  I figured it would be like the Chinese place they went to on A Christmas Story...the only ones there.  But no, apparently many people had the same idea, and the place was packed with people waiting for carry out orders.  We were too hungry to wait, so we ended up getting a frozen pizza and some snacks from 7/11 and sat around and drank and chatted and watched tv.  Definitely my most different Christmas day, but I still had fun. 

So a week or so into the new year, Emily had her first day of preschool....again.  This school started almost an hour earlier than her old one, so that was a bit of an adjustment because Em does not like to be woken up.  She's a "wake naturally on her own time" kinda girl, and 7am is not what time she wakes naturally, but at least having every other day off makes it better, and next year she can go back to a 9am start time.  She adjusted to her new school very well.  I've said it a million times, but I am so glad she does not seem to have my anxiety.  When I was her age, I would not have handled it well,  having to start preschool twice, and coming into a class where everyone had known each other for months already, but she did great.  She quickly made friends and is really doing well there. 

The divorce was final at the end of January.  I was so glad to have that done with.  Being divorced is good, but getting divorced sucks.  Oddly enough, we got along that day the best we had in months.  Unfortunately, it didn't last, but I knew it wouldn't.  I wanted a divorce for a reason.  Next month will be one year since we split and he moved out.....I feel like we have made great progress in the last year.  Things go up and down, as I suspect they always will, but for the most part, I do think things are better than I ever imagined they could be.  I may not think that when we're in the downswing of our new relationship, but things can always be worse and I think we're all starting to settle into our new lives. 

I don't know how Emily is doing inside, but on the outside she seems to be handling it well and adjusting.  She went through a period where she seemed unsure of showing the other parent that she loved or had fun with the one she was with, even to the point where she didn't want to wear the winter coat that her Nana bought her in front of me, presumably because she thought it would upset me.  But I haven't noticed her doing anything like that lately, so hopefully, we explained it well enough to her, and she understands that she doesn't have to favor one of us over the other, and we won't get upset that she loves us both.

In February I asked Emily where she wanted to go to dinner that coming weekend, and she said the Lobster place (Red Lobster).  I do like it, but I am not a huge fan of seafood, so I said why don't you ask daddy to take you some time.  Then I said actually if that's where you want to go, we can go there, and she asked, with daddy?  I said no, not with daddy.  But then I thought, why not?  So I asked him if he would like to join us for dinner that weekend, and suggested we should do dinner the three of us every few months for her sake.  The last time we went, which was a few weeks ago, her dad was coming to pick her up for his weekend, and I told her they were going to dinner and I was coming too, and she was so excited. 

As things change, as we each begin to date and move on, that may not be plausible to do anymore.  We'll always be there together as her parents for things like school plays, and her birthday and other stuff, but I don't see the family dinner thing continuing on for a long time.  As much as any new man in my life has to understand that Emily has a dad and he will be in our lives, I also think there is a fine line between getting along for the kids, and making your new SO uncomfortable by doing too many "family things" with your ex.  But as we're not even quite to a year yet, I think it's still important to do these things on occasion to show Emily that we can get along and that we are and will always be her parents, even if we're not together anymore.

Her age helps a lot too.  I think (I hope) this happened at the perfect time.  I first began seriously considering leaving when she was only two, and it absolutely broke my heart to think of her not even being able to remember us being a family.  But I was also afraid of waiting until she was too old when it would be harder for her and impact her more.  The first time we separated, she was 3.5 and it was so hard.  I still remember that first day without Ryan home..... every time she heard a truck or a lawn mower outside, she'd get excited.  Her little face perked up and she said "that must be my daddy" and she'd run to the window, only to watch her face fall when she realized it wasn't him.

That seriously broke my heart into a million pieces.  I sometimes forget that as a child, you love your parents, even if they aren't perfect.  The things I wanted to kill him for, she either didn't see, or didn't understand, or forgave easily  In my mind, he was an asshole one too many times, but in her mind, he is her daddy and she loves him and it hurt me so much to see her hurting.  It's what made me consider several times, staying for her.  To keep her family together, even if I was miserable.  But thankfully I realized while I was making her happy in the short run, I was hurting her in the long run.  She would only get older, and more cognizant.  When I thought of her coming to me as a teen or an adult, and telling me that she always knew I was unhappy with her dad, that was what made me realize I couldn't stay, 

So thankfully I think things happened at a good age for her.  She's old enough to remember happy times as a family, but young enough to be able to adjust to her new life easier and get used to her new normal.  I hope so anyway. 

We managed to successfully pull off a joint birthday party for her in March.  I figured things were still too new for his family to comfortably come to what is now just my house, and being her 5th, we wanted to invite some friends and my house just does not accommodate that many people if the weather does not allow it to be outside as well.  Being in mid-to-late March in Michigan, that is rarely possible.  So after some disagreement, we finally settled on McDonald's.  You really cannot beat it for the price.  You get food, entertainment and space all for less than $70.00.  Most everything else we looked into was well over $300.  I'm sure some people can afford that no problem, but I am still trying to adjust to just one income now, and really, did she have any less fun at a $70.00 party vs a $300 party?  I highly doubt it.

I didn't have her the weekend of the party, and I was very stressed about it so I just laid around and gave myself a lazy weekend.  I also enjoyed not having to run around like a crazy person, getting the house in order for company, buying and making food, and all the other crap that goes into having people over.  I don't know, she may be getting a McDonald's party every year now.  Seriously the entire thing was cheaper than just buying food to have people over.  But not having anything to keep me busy was bad in a way, because it just let me succumb to my anxiety over her party.  We'd never had it at a place before, and since we invited a few kids from school, there could be some people there I didn't know....and it was the first time being around all of his family and friends since we split, and I was worried about how our two sides would mesh. 

So I ended up not feeling well all weekend, and having some very weird and kind of disturbing dreams.  The one night I even dreamed that I had taken a nap, and overslept for her party, and I woke up feeling terrible.  So Sunday afternoon, I was a nervous wreck.  When I am anxious, I'm either hot and sweaty, or I'm freezing.  That day my body decided on hot and sweaty.  Awesome, really doesn't help with trying to look nice.  So I stopped on the way to get helium balloons, but the place had run out of helium.  Crap!  I normally order the balloons a few days before, and I didn't this time.  She said if I had placed an order ahead of time, they would have had to use their helium tanks off the shelf to fill the order. 

So now I had to go in the opposite direction of the party, and a few cities away to the other location to get the balloons.  But luckily since Ryan lives right near that McDonalds, he got there early, and I ended up getting there at least a few minutes before anyone else arrived.  Emily came with her Nana and Papa, and she looked so cute with the Minnie Mouse shirt that I got her that said birthday girl on the front and her name and a 5 on the back.  As it turned out, there was another girl's party that same day in Emily's class, and her invites went out first, so none of her school friends were able to make it.  But she did have two friends there, plus her cousins and a couple of our (now just his) friends' kids. 

So once everyone arrived, Emily ran off and played on the equipment with her friends, and then the food came out.  There was a definite divide in the room....I hung out with my brother and SIL and best friend the whole time, Ryan was on the other side of the room with his friends.  Most people from each side said hi to each other and our parents all made nice and chatted a bit, but you could feel the tension.  But still, considering how contentious our split was, I think it went very well.  I am sure in some families, some people wouldn't have even come, or there could have been some words said, or some passive aggressiveness.  So I think everyone did very well considering, and I think it speaks volumes to how much everyone loves Emily to all put our differences aside and come celebrate her birthday.  And the best thing is, she seemed to be having so much fun, I am sure she wasn't even aware of anything. 

Her cousin helped her open her presents and read all her cards for her, which I was grateful for because I hate doing that.  I was laying in bed thinking about it the next day, and suddenly I realized....my niece was still calling me Aunt Amy.  I was so happy when I realized that.  I mean, I was part of the family before she was even born, and she was only a year and a half old when we got married.  So she never knows of a time when I wasn't around and doesn't remember the time when I wasn't officially her aunt.  But still, people you never had a problem with do weird things around divorce, and I had no clue if anything was said or opinions of me were shared with the kids. 

For her and my nephew's birthdays, I sent them money and gave them specific "niece and nephew" cards and signed them Aunt Amy.  A few weeks later, I got thank you cards from both of them, addressed to Aunt Amy.  So it's nice to see that whatever feelings there are between me and their parents, they obviously are supporting them in still having a relationship with me.  Emily is just crazy about her cousins, and they are getting older, they are 13 and 10.  My nephew will be driving in a few years and as they get their own phones and become their own person, I would love to leave the door open to still have an aunt/niece/nephew relationship with them. 

In March, I took Em on our 2nd annual weekend stay at a hotel so we could get away for a mini "vacation" and to swim.  I was a little worried she would be sad without daddy there since he obviously was there last year, but she did fine.  I think she did ask if he was coming, but she accepted my answer pretty easily when I said no.  It was a nice weekend, we got to swim twice, and she loved running around the hotel room, and we took some toys, and they have a big, yummy continental breakfast each morning.  She keeps bugging me to go back for another weekend, but I keep telling her we will go again but not till next year.  I don't want to make it about money (but damn, a few hundred just to sleep somewhere else for two nights, lol) so I told her if we go too often it won't be as special.  She thought about it for a minute and said, I don't want it to be special, let's go again.  Man, I love that kid, she cracks me up.

The week after her birthday, me and my dad and stepmom took her to see Disney on Ice.  She loved it and she was so excited when Mickey and Minnie came out.  This isn't why I asked them to go, but I will admit, I was glad to have them there since they picked up the tab on a few things.  That shit is so expensive.  She wanted this light up wand that had Mickey's head silhouette on top.  I thought my dad was going to die as he reached for his wallet and the guy said it would be $30.00.  Funny though....did she get it?  She sure as shit did.  Would I have gotten a $30.00 light up wand when I was her age?  Absolutely not.  Such a softie in his old age.

I had her for Easter this year.....finally I got a holiday.  I didn't have her for Thanksgiving, and while I did have her for Christmas Eve, and itis my preferred choice over Christmas Day, not having her on every holiday was a huge adjustment.  So I was glad to have her for Easter.  I was still pretty sick, I got an upper respiratory infection at the end of March, and it was still going pretty strong at Easter.  So that morning she searched for and found her basket.  She got the usual candy, and also got a Wrapple (funny little animals that go around your wrist and speak gibberish....she got one for her birthday so she wanted it to have a friend) and a pillow just like Minnie Pillow except with Mickey on it.  She asked for it and loves it, but Minnie Pillow is still her one true love.

I was going to try to go to church that day.....I try to go once or twice a year whether I need it or not, haha, but I just felt too miserable.  My dad had been sick too, though not as bad as me, and didn't feel like going either.  Ah well, maybe I will make it for Christmas this year.  So once we got ready we went to my dads.  It was a nice dinner, and my brother and SIL got her a kite so they took her down to the park and tried to fly it.  That was nice, gave me a little break.  It's hard to still be mom even though you feel like death and just want to sleep and want peace and quiet. 

A few weeks ago I turned the big 4-0.  I'm good with it, everyone was right, turning 40 was definitely easier than turning 30.  Your 30's is so different from your 20's.  But your 40's isn't much different than your 30's, plus by then you've lost some of your will to be bothered by some stupid stuff.  The only issue I have with being 40, is knowing that 50's is next.  What I thought was old when I was a kid, gets younger and younger as I get closer to that age.  But 50's still sounds pretty old to me.  I don't feel like I could be old enough, to be looking at 50's.  I know it's still ten years away but still....time flies. 

I woke up that morning and got Emily up for school.  I sat down to do her hair, and I opened the living room blinds to find all this stuff on my lawn.  I had plastic pictures of cows all over my lawn, and a big sign that said Holy Cow, Amy is 40.  At first I thought someone had been running all over my lawn early in the morning, but I discovered it's a company that you hire to come to do it.  Either this guy is a former burglar, or he has a very promising career should he ever change paths.  I found out not only was I awake when he came (around midnight), but he only set off my Ring Doorbell at the tail end (and it didn't alert me) and Nalah never even made a sound.  Now granted, he was probably pretty quiet just sticking signs in my lawn, but my dog barks at everything, so I am very surprised she didn't sense him or hear him walking all over the lawn. 

As I suspected, it was my brother and SIL that did it.  So I took Em to school, and then I grabbed breakfast from McDonalds and just went home and chilled.  Normally I go to the gym after I drop her off and then work, but I hadn't been to the gym since before I got sick.  I was feeling much much better now, but still got exhausted very easily, so I figured one more day off from the gym wouldn't hurt.  And I took a personal day off work, so I had three wonderful hours to just sit, and do nothing, and read all my birthday messages on FB while Em was in school.

So then I went to pick her up, and she and I went to the movies to see Ugly Dolls.  It was cute, not the best kids' movie I ever saw, but decent.  Then I decided I needed a new purse, so we went to the mall and after looking at about 50 of them, I finally found one I liked.  There is an indoor play area at the mall that Em loves, so I let her play there for a while.  As soon as we walked in, a girl her age came up and said, do you want to be my bestie?  She grabbed Em's hand and they ran off together. 

After a while we had to get going home, Ryan was stopping by on his way home from work to help Emily give me my present.  "She" got me some Adidas slides.  I had mentioned a while back that I wanted some so they got me a pair.  I think I used to have some but they didn't make it through Nalah's puppyhood.  So then Em played outside for a bit....it was funny, everyone that walked by our house wished me a happy birthday.  The neighbor girl came over and wished me a happy birthday and I said thanks, how did you know?  Haha, I'm funny.  Her dad text me earlier saying the lawn looks great, Happy 40th!   My neighbor like 4 houses down, who I don't even know, came out on his porch and yelled, Happy Birthday!  It was awesome, I definitely felt the love that day. 

Once my brother got off work, he came over and the three of us went to dinner.  My SIL was visiting her parents, but she sent a bouquet of flowers for me and one for Em along with a bottle of wine.  So I am a huge creature of habit and tend to go to the same restaurants all the time and get the same thing all the time.  So for my birthday dinner I decided to pick this Italian place.  I'd been a few times, and I did get the same thing I got those other times, but it's sooo good.  So it was nice going someplace different for a change and my brother loved it too.  When the bill came I asked the waitress if she could split it between my card and his, but he said no, it's your birthday, and handed her his card. 

They really went all out to make my birthday special.  It was nice anyway, but being my first birthday alone, and being a rather big one, it was really cool of them to do so much.  I had a great day.  The next day I went and got my hair cut because, well I needed it, but also because my stylists does a great blow out and my hair looks so nice after a cut, so I did that before going to my dad's for my birthday bbq.  We originally were going to invite more family (and unfortunately a lot of my friends are scattered across the US) but it had rained pretty heavily the last few days and my dad's yard was flooded and it would have been too crowded to have it in his house with too many people. 

So it was just the immediate family and my best friend and her two boys.  But it was good, all my favorite people were there.  So he grilled chicken and ribs, and then we had cake.  My brother and SIL got me a Ron Swanson (from the show Parks and Rec) Funko doll.  He is my favorite character on that show, he's so grumpy and hates everyone and everything, I love him.  Emily is obsessed with him.  She cannot understand why I got a toy as a present and she wants to steal him.  I may have to take him into the office so he will stay on my desk.  He doesn't seem safe in my home office.

My stepmom got me some shower gel and body polish that I had been wanting, and my dad gave me money to buy clothes.  That evening I went back home and changed, but then came back to my dad's so my friend could pick me up to go out for drinks.  Emily was staying at my dad's that night, so I figured I would too after the bar.  I like going out in my hometown...just like the bars and atmosphere better, so that means I always drive since I am a good 20 minutes away.  But since it was my birthday, Amanda drove so I could get drunk.  Mission accomplished.  I had a margarita, two martinis, an orange mule, and at first, I kept doing the rhyme wrong in my head, but then when I finally realized, "liquor before beer you're in the clear."...I ended my night with a beer because I really wanted one, and was happy to realize it wouldn't make me sick.  It was a great night out with my bestie, and I had a great birthday. 

I felt fine when I woke up the next morning, but unfortunately what woke me up was the sound of Emily crying and puking.  But luckily since we were at my dad's, once I got her cleaned up in the tub, he took care of the laundry.  So that morning set off a week-long virus for her, which meant no school all week, which meant no gym for me yet.  So finally she was healthy and went back to school last week. 

She has just a couple weeks left of school, and her year of preschool will be done.  I don't know how that is possible.  It seems like just yesterday we were taking her picture on the porch, her holding a sign that said first day of preschool.  Before I know it, she will be posing for her first day of Kindergarten picture.  Well, I think I am sufficiently caught up now.  Hopefully, I will write again sometime between now and her first day in the fall. 

Wow I am so far behind.  I can't believe its almost Christmas and my last post was in August.  So the biggest thing of the fall was, Emily started pre-school.  She did really well, she didn't cry, and neither did I.  She was nervous for the first day, and a little reluctant to let go of my hand, but she did very well.  It didn't take her long to acclimate and now she does just fine.  She still sticks by my side at drop off but she will often play with her friends as long as I am standing close by.  But I've noticed a lot of other kids are like that too, even the kids that were there last year for 3 year.

She's already made a little friend, Avery.  She went to her first classmate/friend birthday party a few weeks ago.  It's going really well.  We just had a snafu where both teachers just up and quit last week...that was weird.  I know it is a job to them and they have life issues that go into their jobs just like everyone else, but it was hard on the kids for them to just leave like that.  I hope they had a good reason for just quitting.  As it was we only had a one week notice....found out on Sunday night that their last day would be Friday, but then the next day the one teacher did not come in, and the other one quit right after that, so she had no school on Wednesday and only an hour on Friday to meet the new ones.

But the new ones seem good, and she seems to be taking to them pretty well.  Kids are resilient, but still....how many more disruptions and changes is she going to have to go through this year?  One of our biggest struggles was getting her up and ready in the morning.  She has school Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and the Tuesday of her first week, we still had to get up early for our first child custody hearing.  That morning was horrible.  It's like she decided no, I'm not getting up today, I got up yesterday....not happening today.  I was stressed about going and getting there.  It was downtown, which shouldn't have been a big deal since I used to work down there, but it's been like 13 years since I left there, so navigating downtown isn't as easy for me as it used to be.

So I'm screaming at her like a crazy person to get out of bed and get stressed and she is just flat out refusing.  Normally I can keep my cool, but I was already so stressed, I just couldn't that day.  It was terrible.  I later text my neighbors and told them I was sorry if they heard what sounded like a murder taking place.  Emmy was screaming at the top of her lungs.  I finally got her ready and of course, the whole way to my stepmom's house to drop her off, I felt like shit for yelling at her and not being more prepared.  And it was raining, and I grossly underestimated how long it would take to get to her house in rush hour traffic.

I only dropped her off to my stepmoms about 15 minutes late, but I did not allow enough cushion to even be 5 minutes late.  Getting downtown sucked and traffic that way was even worse.  I had a specific parking garage I  planned to park in, but I mistakenly got stuck in a lane that only turned left.  I knew by the time I navigated around the one-way streets, I'd probably be all turned around and actually be late, so I pulled in the first garage I saw.  Normally I hate the ones that are a valet, but that day I was grateful to not have to find a spot and walk through the garage.  I parked my car, tossed my keys at the guy and ran.  It was about 5 minutes to 9 and I was still a few blocks away.

As I'm speedwalking down the street, I see who looks like my former brother-in-law....I was like wait, that is him, why is he downtown this morning?  Then I realized the guy with him was my ex.  He had on a suit, it's like my eyes glossed right over him because I am not used to seeing him in a suit.  So it was kind of good to run into them because I couldn't be in too much trouble for being late if we walked in the door at the same time.  But it was also awkward because we were there to basically fight over our daughter.  So the three of us walked to the building and found our courtroom....only to be told they didn't have our case on the docket that day.  Greeeaaaat.  His lawyer was already there and when mine came in, she tried to straighten out the issue.  They claim something wasn't filed right and we did not have a hearing that day.  Hmmm, my money is on the Friend of the Court having messed up.  Unless my lawyer's courier is brand new and didn't know what they were doing, they presumably do that kind of stuff all the time.  But the Friend of the Court has literally dozens of people that could have screwed something up, and sorry, but government workers don't always impress me much.

I was so pissed that my horrible morning was for nothing and we didn't even have a hearing.  But it worked out because we both just met with our lawyers and had an informal hearing.  So the good news is, everything stayed the same, I still had her the majority of the time and he still had her every Wednesday and every other weekend, and the even better news, we did not have to come back for the next hearing scheduled for this month since we worked things out that day.  Whew.

I talked with my lawyer on the way out and I think we came out a different door than what I went in because once we parted ways, I was turned around.  I feel like I have a pretty good sense of direction, and my old office was literally just blocks from there, so I used to know that area pretty well, but I could not for the life of me figure out how to get back to my parking garage.  Thankfully the name of the garage was on my ticket, so I googled it and literally walked holding my phone, mapping me back to the garage.  What would we do without technology?  I felt like Joey from Friends when he had to "go into the map" in London.

So thankfully now after a few months of school, Emily is much much better about getting up in the morning and getting ready.  It was hard at first because for 4 years, she was used to lazy mornings where we just sat around the house and maybe got ready eventually to leave the house around 11.  But now all of a sudden she had to get up at 8, eat breakfast, get dressed and go.  It's getting much easier now though, and we're settling into our new routine.  I'm amazed at how good school has been for her.  She's been saying hi and bye and thank you to strangers at the store when they speak to her, where a few months ago she would have just stared at them, or hid behind me.  And she's learning so much, it's so much fun to see her little personality continue to expand and see how much she knows.  I miss the baby days a lot, but she's like a little person now who I can have full conversations with and have fun with and just be silly with.  I feel like even just in the last 4-6 months she has become a whole new person and grown up so much.

So September had some good times like a school field trip to a nature center, and I got her out camping again one last time.  That weekend was chilly so there was no swimming, but we took walks, we played tennis, had campfires....it was a good time.  A very short weekend, we couldn't get there till about 6 on Friday night, and because of school, we had to pack up and go home Sunday afternoon.  Definitely way too short.  But the previous trip, Friday to Tuesday was a little long.  That's too many days in a camper with just a 4-year-old and a dog.  So Friday to Monday would have been perfect.  But I didn't want to make her miss school....between potential snow days, and scheduled days off, I'm trying not to miss too many days that we don't have to.

We also had some sadness in September though, we had to put our kitty down.  He was 16 years old, I'd had him since I got my very first apartment when I was just 22.  I loved that cat so much, he was my little sidekick.  For so many years it was just me and him.  In June he was diagnosed with kidney disease, and the week before I decided to put him down, I could see a decline in him.  It was hard, I miss him so much.  I was terrified to tell Emily.  She has had so many changes, disruptions, and losses lately, and now her first loss of a pet?  Oye!  So the night before I sat her down and told her the news....she said, ok bye Zoey!  Don't get me wrong, I am so happy she didn't have to suffer more, but geeze, not even one tear?  Just kidding....Zoey had retreated to living strictly in my office long before Emily was old enough to know what a cat was.  He really only came out to use the litter box downstairs and then he went right back in the office.  When she would come in while I was working, she would occasionally try to pet him or make kissy noises in his face, to which he would either shrink back away from her or try to bat at her with his clawless paws, which Emily just found funny.  So she really had no real relationship or attachment to him.  Just as well, he was already 12 years old when she was born, I knew he wouldn't be around forever.

We'll get a new kitten soon, but probably not until spring.  Before we let Zoey go, I didn't think I would make it more than a few weeks before going to get a new one, but now that he's gone, I'm taking this time to mourn him and just be a one pet household for a little while.  It is very nice to not look for puke before walking or sitting anywhere in my office (he was always a puker, even before he got old and sick) and not scooping a litterbox is very nice.  I also don't want to deal with a curious kitten and a Christmas tree this year.  In my first apartment, I just had a little 3-foot table top tree, but Zoey would climb it all the time and knock it over a lot.  I don't feel like battling that this year.  Hopefully, by next year the cat will have lost a smidge of her curiosity.

I honestly could go a lot longer without another cat.  The dog is a handful and keeping up with her messes as well as Emily's is enough.  But Emily loves cats so much, I want to get her a kitten to grow up with.  She's got Nalah, but they're both too hyper and rambunctious.  Its a rare day either one of them slows down long enough to cuddle, and if you do try to cuddle Nalah she starts licking you.  I'd love to have a playful yet snuggly cat that will sleep with Emily and can be HER cat.  If she lives as long as Zoey did, Em would have her all the way through college.  I've looked online a bit but like I did with Zoey, I think when we're ready we'll just go to the shelter and see if one picks us.  But that means we cannot visit any shelters until we're ready to take one home.  We used to occasionally do that when we were bored...but having Zoey and Nalah and a few years back, Vinny and Emily at home, there was no way I would bring another cat home no matter how cute they were.  But now, with no REAAAAL reason not to, I'm afraid I'd jump the gun if I saw a really cute one.

So Halloween sucked for me, but Emily had a great time.  I couldn't go to her Halloween party at school because Ryan and I had mediation.  Huh, never underestimated the shittiness of someone when it comes to money.  And good news to all the men out there, you may still be behind in the fair treatment when it comes to custody, but man or woman, we're all equal when it comes to getting screwed for having more money and the sense and responsibility of being a saver.  Maybe that is my calling in life.  I should go into motivational speaking for people who are about to get married.  Do want you want, get married, see if it works, but don't make THESE mistakes with your money when you get married.

So we had agreed to get dinner that evening and take Emily trick or treating together in my neighborhood, but after mediation, I was so mad and upset I couldn't even think of doing that.  So he took her out around his place, and then I picked her up at 7 and we went trick or treating at home.  My bro and sis-in-law knew how upset I was so they came over to trick or treat with us, and then they bought us a pizza and we all had dinner.  I <3 them.  Family can get on your nerves and you're all busy with your own lives, but when you really need them, they're right there for you.  Emmy was Minnie Mouse while with daddy, but she wanted to change into Batgirl when we got home.  We still had that costume from the Super Hero Daddy-Daughter Dance last winter, and I was glad to get two wearings out of it.  She was the cutest Batgirl ever!  Thank goodness I planned to have her wear pants underneath though, she must have grown like a weed since February, that skirt is way shorter on her now.  So I think Em still had a good night, and she was so happy to have her aunt and uncle surprise us with a visit and the weather could not have been more perfect, especially for Michigan.  It had rained all day and night before and that morning some.  By trick or treat time, it was a nice 50 degrees, no wind.....a very nice fall evening.

I couldn't work that day, I just couldn't concentrate so I blew it off.  When Em started school I upped my hours to 30/week (from 25) which will now put me on track to be eligible for benefits in December.  I am so thankful they changed the rule.  It used to be you had to stay at 30/week for 90 days to be eligible, and if you dipped below that, even just an hour, you had to start over with the 90 day count.  But they recently changed it to an average of 30/week.  So thankfully I was able to take Halloween day off and only work 24 hours that week, but then I spent the last two weeks working 33 each week to stay on track.  I cannot wait to have PTO and paid holidays.  The PTO is awesome, but I'm more excited about the holidays.  Thanksgiving was the last holiday I had to work.  For Christmas I can take the day off and get paid, but more importantly, I don't have to then cram 30 hours into 4 days instead of 5 by not working on the holiday.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, it was awful.  The day itself was ok.  I worked in the morning but I did not get as early of a start as I wanted.  Then I showered and went to dinner at my dad's.  That was good, my brother and SIL were there, my cousin, my stepsister and stepmom and her stepdaughter from a previous marriage, her husband and her two grown girls.  I was kind of blue through dinner without Emmy there (Ryan got her for Thanksgiving this year) but it was still good.  I needed to work more when I got home, but I only did an hour.  So that meant the next day I had to work 8 hours instead of 6.  I worked from 11-7, which is like the worst possible hours to work....you start in the morning, work through the afternoon and into early evening.  All three parts of the day, yuck.  So by the time I got done, I just ordered pizza and sat around.

I was in one of those moods where I had a ton I had to do, and even wanted to do, but I had no motivation to actually do it.  So I was restless.  The next day I woke up with a migraine and I was stuck with it all day.  I could barely move without feeling nauseous and wanting to cry.  Excedrine migraine didn't help, pop didn't help, a hot shower helped a little but not enough.  I ended up watching two not so great movies, and just felt so blah and depressed.  Part of it was the migraine, but I missed Emmy so damn much.  I felt so depressed.  He had her from Wednesday till Sunday night.  It was the longest I'd ever been without her.  By Saturday night and definitely by Sunday I am missing her on his weekends, but at least I can have some me time and do things I cannot get done when she's with me.  But 5 days was just too much, thank God those extended visits don't happen too often.  And I know what some of you may be thinking....if you can't do 5 days, how do you think dads feel that go all week or more.  I do feel very bad for some dads, I would die without my baby for that long.  But her dad doesn't even call her when he's not with her....ever.  I guess he cannot miss her that much.

Sunday I thankfully did not have a migraine.  Often times they come in 3's but I guess this time someone decided to have mercy on me.  So I thankfully got some cleaning done, and finally got the last of the fallen leaves mowed and bagged up.  I was so excited to finally go pick up Emmy I left the house too early....I had to drive a few miles out of my way and come back around so I arrived closer to 7.  I don't think he would complain about coming a few minutes early, but I was set to get there at like 6:40 or 6:45, and I try not to be that early.  I admit I let her stay up too late that night because I didn't want to stop snuggling her.  I just love that little girl with all my heart and soul.  We've always been close, she's been my precious doll since the minute she was born.  But I think me and her dad splitting will actually make us even closer.  I really hope we can be that mom and daughter that are best friends....well, her best friend, in between riding her ass to make sure she grows up to be a good human being.  But I think she's on a good track.  When we were up north a few months ago, I bought her a Barbie (knock off Barbie from the dollar store) so she would have some toys to keep there, and my stepmoms friend bought her some window clings (my girl is NUTS about window clings).

When we gave her her treats, she gasped and said oh thank you Mommy, thank you Debbie!!!!  I try so hard not to spoil her, but when she gets so excited about something, it's so hard not to want to produce that excitement all the time.  This past week I took her to see The Polar Express at the IMAX.  She'd seen the movie before, but I thought she would have fun seeing it at the theater.  She was glued to the screen the entire time.  She loved it, and it's all she can talk about now.  Tonight at bedtime I surprised her with the book from the library.  She just absolutely loves it.  After the movie, we went back to my dad's (she had been at my dad's all day while I went into the office) and picked him up and went to dinner with him at this local bar that is famous for their burgers.  I was a little unsure of taking Em there (it's a bar but has a room of just restaurant seating) but when we walked in there was a little boy about her age eating dinner in his karate uniform. 

Last night I took my stepmom out to dinner.  My bosses were appreciative of our hard work at fiscal year-end, so they said we could go out to dinner and they would pay for up to $75.00.  My stepmom has helped me out a lot and she's always paying for stuff when we hang out, so I wanted to take her out for dinner.  We went to my favorite Arabic restaurant and with a wine carafe and appetizer and entrees, we easily spent the $75.00 plus a little.  I felt kind of bad about not taking my dad too, but I left Emmy with him, I am sure he enjoyed being home with her more than he would have going to dinner.  She said to him, "Baba, did you enjoy spending time with mommy on Thanksgiving"?  Haha, sometimes I think she is an old lady disguised in a 4-year-old's body. 

Today we were supposed to go to a Christmas festival with my brother and SIL, but it rained all afternoon and night, and I figured being outside in the cold rain would be miserable.  So instead my brother came over this evening and we went to a local park that has Christmas lights set up.  It's basically a two-lane roadway with parks on either side.  I believe it spans about 12 miles total.  The lights are only about 5 miles though.  But they're very cool....we've gone to them every year since Em was born.  Afterward, we went to dinner.  It's been a fun week/weekend.  Tomorrow my stepmom is coming over to bake cookies.  I used to get together one day in December for the last several years for cookie day with my inlaws, but I guess those days are over....so we'll start our own tradition.  I think I will take her to see Santa this coming week.  I cannot believe Christmas is almost here.

I think that's about all of the updating I have.  See you in probably another three months when I get around to writing again.

Summer fun

Oh, why oh why am I still awake?  I'm very tired, I don't think it'll take long before I pass out, but for some reason, I am resisting it.  Emily and I are camping right now.  I don't know for sure what will happen to the camper amidst our recent separation, but it's very likely it'll have to go.  We only went camping once this summer as a family.  We were planning on going again but I had an allergic reaction the day before which put a hold on those plans.

So last week I was thinking, I should take her before the summer is over.  Our campground will move your camper out of storage and onto a site and then off again (for a fee of course but well worth it) so I didn't need the truck to go.  I've done a lot with getting the camper set up, but mostly the inside stuff.  I'd never stabilized it, leveled it or hooked up the sewer, water and electric.  But I thought it can't be that hard, right?

I hadn't planned on telling my husband (er, ex?  I don't know) because I didn't want him to unnecessarily worry that I would break something and discourage me from going.  But, I realized he had both sets of keys, so I had to get keys from him and thus tell him we were going.  He was kind enough to offer to set it up for us, which I declined, but I did take him up on talking me through it on the phone.  I watched a few youtube videos and asked a few people beforehand, so I was pretty confident I would do ok.  Our campground is pretty "groomed" so when the ground people put it on site, they had it basically leveled already, I didn't have to do anything to level it.

I just had to put the stabilizer jacks down, and hook everything up.  I had the basic idea of how to do everything, but we have this awesome thing that hooks up on the sewer hose that allows you to also hook up a hose to it so you can blast water in the black tank to help clean out any gunk that didn't freely flow out.  There were several parts to put together to hook that up, and I had NO idea the sewer hose was literally IN the bumper.  We've owned this thing for 5 years and I had no clue that's where the hose is stored.  So talking to him on the phone for that part was quite helpful.

But, I got it all.  I've always taken care of putting the slide out and awning out, turning on the air and fridge and hot water tank, so that was all a cinch.  I've sort of started campfires before, but not a ton but I did ok with that.  Friday night the stars aligned and I had awesome wood and got the fire started very easily and it burned well all evening.  I figured with getting in kind of late and having to get the camper all set up, we'd just go out to eat that night, so we went out for Mexican.

I will say, those are some of the times I am the saddest.  In some ways, not much has changed because Em and I often spent a lot of time together just the two of us.  But we would fairly regularly go out for dinner the three of us, so those outings feel kind of weird now.  I used to really enjoy our day dates when he and I would just go out running errands and go out to lunch.  So after dinner, we came back to the camper, had a fire, tried to have s'mores but all of our supplies for it were old.  The chocolate had turned white and the marshmallows were super sticky and hard to pull apart. 

Saturday morning we woke up to lots of rain.  My brother and his wife were talking about coming for the day, and maybe even staying the night and trying out their new tent.  It was rainy/gloomy all day off and on, so we mostly stayed in the camper, except for when we ventured out to go to the store.  I was just about to get dinner started when my brother called to say he was on his way.  My sister-in-law couldn't make it because she had plans early the next morning.  So when he got there he helped me get the fire going...I just didn't have any success that night, and even he had to keep using lighter fluid but eventually got it going on its own.  So we grilled hot dogs over the fire (the best kind) and I put a pot of beans on the fire too.  Yummy! 

He brought new s'more stuff, but we were so full after dinner and we had let the fire go out, so we never got around to them.  By then it was time to go in and get Em to bed, but not before she challenged her uncle to a game of checkers.  Once she was in bed he and I stayed up pretty late shooting the shit.  I am glad he made it, the more the merrier I always say.  While I was preparing dinner he set up his tent.  I don't know, maybe if we have to say goodbye to the camper, I'll give tent camping a try.  It always looks like fun, but it never seems as fun when you actually do it.  Not sleeping well, waking up feeling kind of wet....but who knows.  Maybe I could hack it in the fall.  I hate HOT weather, so maybe I would fair better by trying real camping in the fall.

So this morning we got up and sat around for a while.  He had to get going home soon so we packed a lunch and had a picnic down by the beach under a weeping willow tree.  It was pretty idyllic.  He had to get going after that so then Emily and I went swimming in the lake.  She had fun collecting seashells and seaweed which she kept naming.  Haha, goofball.  I had heard that previous summers quite a few people got swimmer's itch from the lake.  I had never heard of it and never got it from swimming in that lake before.  But now that I knew about it, I was kind of paranoid, but I heard swimming in a chlorinated pool afterward should kill whatever causes it.  We had never checked out the pool before and since this may be one of our last few times at the campground I figured it's now or never. 

It was nice, very good size pool, the bathrooms were apparently just redone last year.  I don't know what they looked like before but they look nice.  I wish they would redo the bathrooms and showers in the campground.  Those are pretty scuzzy.  Though last fall I took the leap and showed in the camper.  It's quite nice.  Yes, the shower is small, but it's fine and while you can't dawdle, you can take a decent shower.  You don't have to take a speed shower in order to not run out of hot water.  And Emily's been taking baths in the camper, the tub is the perfect size for her.  It's way better than having to pack up all your bathroom stuff to go to the communal showers.....I'm always on the warm side, so unless I am freezing, I take cool to colder showers.  But even then, it's so steamy in communal showers, I am sweating again by the time I get done showering, it sucks.  So I am happy to not shower there.

So after the pool, we stopped at the campground store and got some ice cream, and then we headed back to the camper for quiet time.  Em laid in my bed and I put a movie on for her and I took a shower.  When I was done, she was already out.  So then I cleaned up some around the camper and called my stepmom to talk for a while.  When Emily woke up, I grilled burgers and made mac and cheese for dinner.  I hadn't wanted to start the campfire yet so I made the mac and cheese by putting the pot on top of the grill.  That took forever.  I probably should have just used the gas stove top in the camper....but then I would have been going back and forth to check each part of dinner. 

By then it was getting late and dark so we took the dog for a walk.  I love that it's a very dog-friendly place.  Though that does come with some downfalls.  I have flea bites all over my feet and ankles, and my dog doesn't have fleas.  Treat your dogs people!  So then Em took a bath and then we made a fire.  I was having trouble with it again tonight.  Some wood and pinecones got it going pretty good, but I also had to keep using lighter fluid.  We made hobo pies.  We have these plates that you put bread in and then pie filling, closing them up and put them in the fire....they came out pretty good.  We're going to use those to make grilled cheese tomorrow for lunch.

I tried popping some of that Jiffy Pop that you pop over the fire, but I never got it to pop more than a few kernels.  It reminded me of when we were kids, we were staying up north on our other piece of property. The place we have now is right off the road, and the area is all mowed like a yard...but that place, which my dad still owns is way down a two-track road off from a dirt road, way back in the woods with lots of woods and trees and growth around.  So we were headed back to our camper at the time, and we took our cousin with us so he could enjoy the campfire before we went to bed.  I think he's a few years younger than me, so he was probably 5.  So being real wilderness, all we had was the light of the campfire, so my dad put some jiffy pop on the fire for us to snack on.  After a while, he was like it should be done by now.  He found a flashlight, cut the bag open.....and it was all solid black char!  My cousin thought that was just the funniest thing in the world.  He talked about it for days and months later.

So tonight I snapped a picture and tagged him in it on facebook.  He was like oh man, your dad and jiffy pop will forever be connected in my head.  So, day number 3 of Em getting to bed pretty late.  But it's summer and we're "on vacation".  If you can't stay up late on vacay then when the hell can you?  So today was Sunday, we're going home sometime on Tuesday.  My stepmom might come up tomorrow for a few hours.  That would be nice if she can because I need to get some work done tomorrow so it would be cool if she can take Em to the beach or pool while I get some work done.  I was going to work some tonight but by the time I got her in bed it was after 11 and I still had to pay bills.  Blah. 

I don't know what we'll do tomorrow.  It's supposed to be hot again, so maybe we'll go back to the pool...get ice cream again.  I'd like to take her out in a paddle boat but I have a feeling she may not like it.  We'll see.  I've got to take her to the playground too, we ran out of time today.  And do an arts and crafts thing with the seashells she got today.  Well, I'm off to bed.  I know it wasn't a lot of work given the fact that I didn't have to tow the camper and put it on the site, but I am pretty proud of myself that I got it all set up by myself for the most part and was still able to take her camping despite our situation right now.  I hope she'll have great memories of our camping trips.  Or at least see pictures and know she had fun....she may not remember some of this so well being only 4.

Tennis fail

When I first took Emily to the daycare at the gym, she adapted perfectly and was so good.  No tears, no apprehension.  We said bye and she said bye and all was good.  She was a little nervous for ballet, but she went with the other kids and did great.  Gymnastics, she made me walk her to the door of the gym but then she was fine and went running in all excited.  She did great with swimming too....she was a little nervous some days because she does not enjoy dunking her head under, but otherwise she did fine.  On the morning of the first day of VBS, she said she was a little nervous, but she was totally fine once there and was great about me leaving.

She started tennis yesterday and bam....crying, tears, wouldn't leave my side.  She wouldn't even go try.  I kept telling her she needed to try and if she didn't like it she didn't have to do it.  I hated to see her little sad face, crying and clinging to me.  I so badly want to say it's ok baby, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, you can stay snuggled up to me forever.  But I know that's not what is best for her.  There were a ton of things my dad made me do growing up that I HATED and I was just adamant that I would never like.  And most of the time I ended up loving it.  And even if I didn't, I was better for having tried it.

So I KNOW what the answer is, I know she needs to at least try it, but she just wasn't budging.  I thought maybe I didn't hype it up enough.  For her other stuff, I talked about it a lot and got her all excited.  I kind of forgot she was even going to be doing it, so I didn't talk about it a whole lot.  I got her on the court for about 30 seconds yesterday, she swung at a few balls and I think even hit 2 out of 3 of them...and when that drill was over she came running off the court to me, crying her little heart out.

Yesterday at my dad's he practiced with her and she dragged him outside 3 times to play, and she was all excited and said she was going to play today.  She even pinky promised.  Today we got to the courts and she said she was going to try.  I even tried bribing her, telling her that if she tries, she'll get a treat at Target.  She said ok!!

But as soon as the coach called them on the court, she stepped back and clung to me again.  I said I thought you were going to try today and she said no.   I reminded her about her treat from Target and she said she didn't want it.  I again got her on the court for less than a minute but as soon as the coach came over to talk to her, she stepped back a few steps and then didn't want to try. 

I told her if she wasn't going to try, then we needed to leave and she said ok, so we started to walk off the court when she said no I want to try.  So we went back but the second she got close, she ran off again.  So I said ok we're going.  Then the entire way to the car she was crying and whining that she wanted to try.  I told her I wasn't going to play those games all day, she had plenty of chances to try.  So then she kept whining for a treat from Target, but I told her no because she didn't really try.

Does she need to play tennis?  Will her life be negatively impacted if she doesn't play tennis?  No, of course not. Though I admit I am a bit disappointed because I love tennis and it would be awesome if she does too eventually and we could play together as she gets older.  But I will never force her to do something like that if she doesn't want to do it.  But I was frustrated and baffled that she has done so well with all her other classes and lessons, but this one she acted as though I was taking her off to be slaughtered.

She's seemed relatively unscathed from me and her dad's separation thus far, but since the first week he moved out, she has been wanting to sleep with me in my bed.  I've been letting her most nights because I just do not have the strength and patience to fight her, especially when I have to work after she goes to bed.  I don't mind her being in my bed at all, and if she is feeling a little insecure from the recent change in our house, I have no problem with giving her some extra comfort and security.  But, many people have advised me to discourage it, or it'll be impossible to break later.  I myself remember certain periods where I slept in my mom's bed as a kid, and I remember how hard it was to go back to my own bed at first.  But I survived, I turned out ok.  But I do think the fact that she doesn't ever want to sleep in her room anymore is troubling.  If she just asked every couple days to sleep with me, but was fine sleeping in her own bed when I said no, then I wouldn't worry about her coming into my bed now and again.  But she wants to sleep with me every single night now, and it's a huge fight to get her to stay in her own room.

So I don't know....I don't know if her resistance to tennis is somehow related to being upset over the separation.  The last thing she went to was VBS and she loved it and had no issues whatsoever.  The very first day she went, was the day her dad moved out except later that day....so was she ok because by the time she knew what had happened, she had already started VBS and was fine?  Or is none of this related to the separation?  She did mention the fact that her coach is a boy.  She is shy, but she will warm up to women usually, but she tends to be a lot more shy and timid around men.

But, she did have male instructors for swimming sometimes when we had to do a makeup class and she seemed fine with them.  But then again she had already been in swimming for a couple weeks when she had to have a boy teacher.  Could it be that she has finally just reached the age where she realized she can speak up and say no she doesn't want to do something?  I don't know.  But I am nervous about her starting pre-school now.  She doesn't have to play tennis, but she does have to go to school.  I have been all along, but I'll make sure to keep getting her excited about school.  We need to go pick out a new backpack for her new academic career, so that should be exciting.  We want her to try soccer in the fall and go back to swimming once summer is over, so we'll see how she does with those things.

So tonight I was cooking dinner and she wanted to help, so I let her stir the soup.  We decided that it was "troll soup" since we had watched Trolls all day.  So we were naming crazy ingredients to put in it, and then she says wait, it's missing something.  She ran into the living room, and when she came back I thought she was tossing in an invisible pretend ingredient.  Nope, she sprinkled the soup with dog hair...yeeeeach!

Thankfully we had another can of soup.  Since we had more, it was funny, but if we hadn't had any, I would have been very sad.