Emily and I met Ryan for breakfast this morning after he got done giving blood. We were going to go with him, but I decided if we went separate and met him there, we could go grocery shopping on the way home. I hate to grocery shop, so if I can get it done while I am out, it's much better than trying to get the motivation to go when I am home.
So I realized breakfast was later than I thought it would be, and that Emily would need a nap soon. Sure enough, she started zoning out at the store, and then started the head bob. I didn't want to leave her like that with her head drooping, so I picked her up, planning to just carrying her and let her nap on my shoulder. But that would have made for a very tired arm by the time I got done. Then I had a genious idea. I had her cart cover with me, so when I took her out of the cart, I bunched up the cart cover to make a bit of a pillow at one end and laid her in the part where she usually sits.
She had a wonderful nap for the rest of my shopping; in fact she looked so cozy, I wished I could crawl in and nap with her while someone pushed us around and did my shopping for me. I didn't have anything to put over her when we left the store though, and I was certain the cold air would wake her up and piss her off. It did wake her up, but she was in a perfectly good mood, she seemed well rested and happy, it was amazing. So while I was patting myself on the back for thinking of such a good solution, I wondered why I never thought of it before. When she was too little to sit, grocery shopping was the bain of my existance because the seat part was too small to put her car seat in, her car seat took up too much room in the big part of the cart and she was never a fan of baby wearing. Why it never dawned on me to stuff the seat part with blankets and just plop her in there laying down, I don't know, but I will for sure be doing that if we ever have another.
Speaking of, I think we've come to a decision. I've been very stressed for the last year about whether or not to try for another baby. We had decided to revisit the topic in March when Emily turns one, but as we get closer, the more and more anxious I got because I am still not sure. But then I thought maybe June, I will hopefully be in better shape by then, and we'll have had a little bit of time to test the waters with a toddler, but that still made me anxious. So I introduced myself on the TTC > 35 board and to my surprise got a lot of great advice. I was really worried about having another kid because I am not getting any younger, and along with my other reasons to be high risk, another pregnancy would also mean being advanced maternal age.
But some women over there gave me some perspective on it. I was 32 when we started TTC, and I thought I was old then. I have pretty much thought I was old every single year, unless I was looking back on that year, from an even older perspective. Hell, I was ready to sign up for an AARP card when I turned 18. I would hate to turn 40, and look back and regret not having another one because I thought I was too old at 36. Of course I do not feel like I have an infinite number of years in which to have another baby, but what is one year in the grand scheme of things?
I am not now, and I do not think I would be ready in June to say yes I am ready for another and try, or no, we are done, and have permanent BC done. So we've pretty much come to the decision to wait until Emily turns 2, and then decide. Since making this decision, I feel settled and at peace, so I know it is right. Maybe before then we'll decide to "not try but not prevent" and see what happens, or maybe we'll decide to actually wait until next March, but I am excited about this. The idea of maybe trying in a year actually makes me happy, unlike the idea of trying in the next few months. Or, maybe by then we'll decide our family is complete and move on.
Despite all of the fear of being pregnant again, parts of me wasn't even sure I wanted another child. I see moms of two or more and they are stressed, everything is hectic, they are running here and there, always busy. But even if I got pregnant right away, Emily would be almost three by the time another baby would come. Of course in a perfect world, four or five would be even better, but it's much better than two. She'd hopefully be potty trained, and somewhat independent and capable of doing some things on her own so I could focus on the baby, and she would understand a little better and be excited about a little brother or sister, whereas I feel like at two she'd still be a little lost on the concept.
Besides, I had notions about what parenthood would be like once Emily came....so much of my life has not really changed, and in the ways it did, it is better. Like now, the house is quiet, Emily has been in bed for three hours now and I just finished watching a movie and eating dinner. We went to breakfast this morning and had a perfectly nice meal at a restaurant just as we did before we had kids. Of course, as she gets older, things will be a bit different, but I am now of the opinion that your life doesn't have to become unrecognizable once you have kids. Plus, we want Em to know about her big sister in heaven, and I am not sure I could take her looking at me all sad, saying she wishes Kayla was alive so she could have a sister here. So that's the plan, one more year and we'll see where we are.
I've made more progress on her birthday DIY projects. I am going to try to take her first birthday pictures myself, and I needed a #1 prop for her to sit next to. I checked craft stores, they mostly only have letters, and the numbers they did have were too small. I had a huge piece of styrofoam from some packaging the other day, so I cut out a 1 from that, and covered it in some leftover pink tulle I had from making her tutu. I have to say, it looks pretty damn good. My living room rug did not after cutting all that styrofoam, but hooray for vacuum cleaners.
I've also done most of the acheivements board. It's another pinterest project....it's black foam board with metallic markers so it looks like chalk and chalkboard, and you just write what she can do, what she likes. I've done all I can on it for now, and a few days before her party I'll finish it with how many teeth she has (her right front tooth is coming in now, so that makes three currently) and if she can walk and when she took her first steps. I'm so excited for her party, it's been really fun to plan it and work on the projects.
She does this new thing now, she puts her hands on either side of her face and then slides them down, like she's stressed or something. I can just hear her saying "oy vey" when she does it, it's so funny. We bought her a sit to stand walker the other day. So far she just likes to stand there and hold on to the bar, but I am hoping she'll take a few steps one of these days. I know I'll regret saying this when she does, but I can't wait for her to crawl and walk. Life will be insane, but it will be fun.
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