Birthday party

Em's birthday party went great.  Pizza was definitely the way to go, it was cheaper than I expected, and we had no food to put away, no dishes to do.  Just toss out paper plates and cups, voila, done.

I was a bit frazzled that morning trying to get everything done.  Which would not have been the case had I not been lazy the day before.  Emily went to my dad's Friday afternoon so I could supposedly get the house ready for her party, but when I dropped her off, I had 30 minutes to get to my pedicure appt (it was long overdue).  For some reason my appt took forever, so an hour and a half later I had just enough time to go to the grocery store on my way home, get essentials for the party, go home and unload, and then go to my hair appt.

Last February (as in 2015) I got my hair cut pretty short, like above my shoulder, and I hated it.  Oh and I also got side swept bangs.  I don't know what I was thinking, because I do not like putting any effort into my hair on a day to day basis.  So I had to always have my bangs clipped back, and my hair was too short to all fit in a ponytail.  When I wore my hair down, the length was just right that it hit right at my neck, and when you're suffering from post partum sweats, hair right on your neck is the last thing you want.

So I didn't go for any trims while I was letting my hair grow out, and then I got busy and I ended up not going back for an entire year.  So the hair cut was very essential as well.  When I got done with that, I picked up dinner, went home and ate and then it was time to pick up Em.  Thankfully my dad bathed her so I didn't have to do that when we got home.  So I put her to bed, I made her cupcakes and picked up most of the toys in the living room.  By now it was after 1am so I gave up for the night.

The next day I had to frost her cupcakes, do some laundry, finish cleaning the living room, dust, vacuum, clean the bathroom and take a shower.  I ended up finishing my hair and make up about 15 minutes before people arrived.  But at least I got everything done.  Of all days, it took Em forever to go down for her nap, so people were here for about 30 minutes before she woke up.  It's always stressful for me to have both sets of grandparents at a function for Em.  I'm always worried about making sure they all get time with her.

My dad and my stepmom are very "make yourself at home" kind of people.  So when Em woke up from her nap, they took it upon themselves to go get her and put her birthday dress on.  I am totally fine with that, but my inlaws are kind of the opposite.  When they are at someone else's home, they are a lot more formal, and don't want to step on anyone's toes.  So quite often my dad and stepmom play and interact with Em way way more at these things than my inlaws do.

Like for example, my dad took Emily outside to play with the other kids while we were waiting for pizza, but my inlaws stayed inside.  They were more than welcome to go outside with them, and I am sure they knew that, but for whatever reason they didn't.  I have also explained to them that they don't mean to "hog her" per se, and for the record I don't feel like they do, but I worry that my inlaws feel like my parents do.  My MIL tries very very hard not to be the overbearing MIL or grandma, so her inaction tends to make other people seem over bearing just because they aren't always as concerned with how they appear.  Like, my dad doesn't worry about seeming overbearing, but if he wants to play with his granddaughter, he just does it.

I guess others would see it as being rude, but in our family it's just how things are.  Our family is not formal at all.  If you rang my grandma's doorbell, she'd ask what the hell is wrong with you, why don't you just come in?  If you asked her for something to drink, she'd tell you, your legs aren't broken, get it yourself.  I guess to outsiders that's weird, but we have a very big, loud family, and if you don't interrupt, or get things yourself, or wait to be asked, you'll be waiting all day.  When Em was a baby, one of my aunts would finally get to hold her, and then another would swoop in after just a minute and be like, it's my turn, and nobody took offense to that.  But my MIL is just not the type to do that.  With family any way.  Out in public with people she doesn't know, it's a different story.

I've told her though, that I hope she doesn't think my family is being rude, and that if she wants to do something for or with Em when the whole family is together, just do it.  I even tried to include her by telling Em to go see Nana and get a princess ponytail, since she is really the only one she will sit still for.  But oh well, they're all adults.  I guess I shouldn't worry about it.  And I'm not saying that my parents love Emily more or anything, but Em is my inlaws 8th grandchild, and she is my dad's first.  I have never ever seen my inlaws treat any of their grand kids differently, they are crazy about them all, be it their first or their eighth, but I do think it's kind of understandable that my dad is so gaga for Emily, being his only living grandchild.  Especially because I think he knows there is a good chance she will be his only.

So anyway, the kids all played outside for a bit, which was good because it opened up some room in the house and it was a decent day temperature wise.  Plus they got to play on our new playscape.  Em is too small to really get a lot of use out of it yet, so I was happy to see the other kids climbing all over it and having fun on it.  Then we had pizza, and then we opened presents.  She got just the right amount of toys vs clothes.  We got her a basketball set, a bath toy, and a mini Big Wheel.  All outside toys, and bathroom toy (ie no more junk in the living room).  Her Nana and Papa got her a princess duplo set from Disney World.  She and I put them together yesterday, there is a little set up for Snow White, Ariel, and Cinderella.  It was fun to put together.

My dad got her a toy horse to ride on.  You can either attach the rocker, or take the rocker off and it has wheels.  My stepmom got her a Minnie Mouse sleeping bag.  It's really cute, I think it would be good for her to use in our camper.  My step sister got her a little Frozen metal purse and also some hair bows.  Her other aunt and uncle got her a few pair of jammies and a summer outfit, my best friend also got her jammies, a summer outfit, and a Everest toy (from Paw Patrol).  My brother got her a stuffed animal horse, two books about horses and a horse puzzle.  Em LOVES horsies, so that was a big hit.

My husbands friend got her a little set of Sheriff Callie figurines.  It was funny when he dropped them off.  He has two boys, so he doesn't know girl toys.  He was like, I got her some Doc Mcstuffins things, or something like that, and it turned out to be Sheriff Callie.  But that was ok with Em, she loves Callie.  Ryan picked up the little cactus guy and he asked who he was and I was trying to think of his name and Em goes, Toby.  It still amazes me how much she knows and can say.  I think that was everything.  So she got some fun new toys, but also come clothes so that's good.

After that we had cupcakes.  I baked them myself and made the frosting from scratch.  I used mini oreos for ears, and then I found some candy Minnie Mouse bows to put on them too, and I used red cupcake wrappers with polka dots on them.  They turned out pretty good.  I got a silver cake board from the party store and put the cupcakes on them in the shape of a 2.  So I held Emily's cupcake out to her while we sang.  I thought she would do good with blowing out the candle since she knows to blow on hot food to cool it, but for some reason she gets sad and/or mad when people sing in a group.  So while we were singing happy birthday, she had a mad look on her face and kept swatting at the cupcake.  Haha, little weirdo.  So she managed to hit it, and knocked it out of my hand but I grabbed the candle before it lit anything on fire and then I blew it out for her.  I was afraid she would try to hit it and burn herself.

So it was a good day.  Yesterday I hung up a sheet to use as a backdrop for her annual birthday pictures.  I didn't think I got any good ones because she wasn't very cooperative, but then when I uploaded them to the computer and did some cropping and such, it turns out there were quite a few adorable ones.  So here are a couple of Em's 2 year pics in her pretty birthday dress.

Second birthday

This time two years ago I was miserable.  I was wide awake after my Stadol had worn off, I was having back to back contractions that barely gave me any relief in between and a doctor had just given me my millionth painful cervix check, only to find out I still had no dilated past 3cm.

I was about 12 hours away from meeting my baby girl, and I was scared.  Scared I wouldn't know what to do, scared I wouldn't know what she would need, scared I wouldn't be any good at, or like being a mother.  Twelve hours later when I saw her for the first time, that was it, I was in love.  My sweet baby girl turns 2 today, and I cannot believe how fast the time has gone.

It feels like just yesterday that I was laying in my bed in the L&D room, wondering how much longer it would be.  It seems like a minute ago we were celebrating Em's first birthday, thinking about the following year and not being able to imagine my little baby as a toddler.  These past two years have been the best years of my life, I just love that little girl so much.

Milestones & Memories:  Em has been talking way more than ever.  Once she started talking she spoke a lot of words and just get gaining new ones quickly, but now she is starting to string them together to make short sentences (though not a ton) and she knows words that I never taught her, she picks up on every thing.  Unfortunately there are some bad ones in there too.  She is officially off her nap bottles.  Her bedtime bottle will be going soon too.  I think this week we'll cut it down to a bottle while I rock her and then go to bed without it, and then take it away next week.  She's starting to show a lot of signs that she might be ready to potty train.  She takes her diaper off a lot, lately she loves to get a piece of toilet paper when she is in there stalking me while I go, pretend to wipe and then throw it in the toilet.  We currently have a large stash of diapers, but when those are gone in a few weeks we're going to start training.  She can walk up and down small stairs by herself, just holding on to something and she is getting much better at feeding herself.

Sleeping habits:  Her naps haven't been going as well since we took away nap bubba, but after she cries it out for a couple minutes she settles down and goes to sleep.  Most days she still takes a two hour nap, but a few times a week she takes shorter ones, an hour to an hour and a half.  Bedtime is only slightly more difficult.  I read her a story or two before bed and no matter how many I read her, she always cries "stooooory", wanting more.  Unless she is really tired, she often fights going in her crib, begs for me to pick her up and cries.  But again, she usually settles down within 10 minutes and goes to sleep.  She sleeps from about 8pm till about 8 or 9am and rarely gets up in the middle of the night.

Eating habits: They are still the same as they were a few months ago.  Still not a big fan of meat, she loves to dip food in sauce and lick the sauce off.  She loves Go-gurt (she calls it go go), grapes, raisins, bananas, mac n cheese, oatmeal, black olives, and whatever you're eating.  She is pretty good at using a fork, spoons are harder and it helps if the food is thicker like oatmeal.  She can drink from an open cup as long as I only put a tiny bit in there at a time, otherwise she spills it.  She loves juice on the rare times I give it to her, and she has a huge sweet tooth.  She loves cookies.

Favorites: She still loves Minnie Mouse, Mickey, Sheriff Callie, but now she is also very interested in princesses.  If she sees one she gets excited, she loves the movie Enchanted.  She still isn't a fan of getting her hair done, but if I tell her I will make her look like a princess she is more apt to let me do it.  She loves Kayla bear, but she loves all her stuffed animals.  She goes through phases as to which ones she has to carry around and take places with her.  We got her a stuffed killer whale in SeaWorld, she loves to sleep with him and cuddle, and take him places.  She calls him shampoo (instead of Shamu).

Discoveries and accomplishments: She can go up and down small stairs on her own, she can make it all the way up a full set of stairs as long as she has something to hold on to.  She likes to sing along with TV shows, and she now say "oh toodles" on Mickey's club house.  Her diapers stays dry for hours now, and she often tells me when she has pooped.  She loves to copy and mimic things that she see's people do.  

Too tired to be a good mother

Dear Google Searcher:

Today you landed on this page because you searched “too tired to be a good mother.” If you are searching terms like this in what little spare time you have, it tells me one thing… you are probably exhausted. 

I have been there. Oh I have been there.

I know what it’s like to lie down in bed and have the infant child wake up as soon as you have a split second to breathe. I know at that moment you would rather do anything than get back up out of that bed for the 3rd time that night. I know the feelings of anger and frustration, and sheer desperation, when you think that you just can’t nurse or rock that child one more time without losing sanity completely. But in those moments, I got up out of bed and rocked and nursed my baby back to sleep…again…while praying for grace, strength, and hoping that he would stay asleep this time. Because I’m a good mother, and so are you.

I know what it’s like to be so tired and exhausted that you can’t think straight, and the thoughts that you think terrify you. I surely didn’t feel like a good mother when I, for the briefest of insane moment, considered abandoning my son in the middle of an upscale mall so I could run away and go sleep. But, of course, I didn’t. Because I’m a good mother, and so are you.

I know what it’s like to drag yourself out of bed at 5:30 am (for the 40th morning in a row) to attend to your two-year-old who is crying for you. I know how it feels to stumble into the living room, fumble with the TV (cringing with guilt because you already know how much TV this child will be watching today), unwrap a banana, and hide under a blanket while trying to muffle the sounds of Thomas the Tank Engine so you can get maybe a few more minutes of sleep. I know how hard it is to put a smile on your face when you greet that perky face before the sun wakes up. But I did. Because I’m a good mother, and so are you.

I know what it’s like to put your toddler in the playyard, put Little Einsteins on repeat, and go to the bedroom to sleep for two hours in the middle of the day, because your choice was either to limit the TV and be a “good mother” or get some sleep and be a sane one.

I know what it’s like to mother while having a condition that makes you chronically tired. To mother when your husband is gone for a year and you are left at home with the infant that refuses to sleep through the night that entire year. I know what it’s like to think to yourself, day in and day out,“If I could only get a little more sleep, then I would be a better mother. Then I wouldn’t yell at my child. Then he wouldn’t have to eat Spaghettios because I’m too tired to cook. Then he wouldn’t have to watch so much TV…” 

I have been there so. many. times.

(And even though he’s 2 1/2, I still am many days…)

I can’t promise you that you will ever not feel tired again. But the tired changes. It goes in phases. There’s the infant-is-up-every-hour-to-nurse tired…the infant-is-sick-and-teething-and-screaming-all-night-long tired…the chasing-after-the-toddler-all-day-long-tired…the dealing-with-terrible-two-tantrums-all-day-long tired. Each one is hard in it’s own right. And each one is different to deal with. But each is a phase.

I promise you that your baby will sleep through the night… eventually. It might take two or three years. (Trust me, I know.) They will finally cut that last set of molars that wakes them up in the middle of the night for weeks on end. They will eventually stop staying up til midnight…finally stop waking up at 5:30 in the morning. They will eventually stop nursing.

It might take several years, but eventually, you will look back and then see how far you’ve come and think, “Naw, this isn’t so bad now.” 

This isn’t one of those “oh kids grow up so fast, so treasure every moment while you can!” posts. Those don’t do anything for tired mommas but to make them feel more like crap.

No. This is the post that says, “Hang in there momma…you’re doing great. You are a good mom, even when you are too tired to see it!”

I know that you feel guilty about the hours of TV, the extra naps, the junk food dinners, the extra lattes. I know you feel guilty about being too tired for sex, snapping at your husband, and yelling at your kids. I know you wish you had more energy to do things like taking showers and wearing makeup or going to the gym.

But “good” motherhood isn’t measured in the hours that your children don’t watch TV and how much money you spend on organic food. It’s not measured in how many showers you take or how many times a week you make it to the gym.

“Good” motherhood is immeasurable. I said it before, I’ll say it again:

“Good” mothers are the ones that worry about being good mothers. 

“Good” mothers know that hugs and kisses and bedtime stories (even when you are yawning the whole time you are reading them) are more important than the external things like too much TV with breakfast and Spaghettios for dinner. “Good” mothers may yell and snap, but they always say “I’m sorry” and give a hug afterwards.

So take heart tired momma. You will make it through these exhausting days. And you will be stronger for them. You are a good mother. You only need to look into the eyes of your children and believe it.

Written by Aprille, Beautiful in his time

I found this on Pinterest today.  I quite often find things I like, pin them to look at later and eventually forget.  Or I read it at the time, think "oh that's nice" and then move on.  But I read this, and it spoke to me.  My mantra has been the article "Why you didn't fail as a mother" by Angela Miller, in regards to dealing with the grief, sadness, and guilt of losing Kayla.  But I think this article will become my mantra for parenting a very active almost two year old.  Now by all accounts, I know how lucky I am.  Emily was a very good baby.  She slept through the night by 3 months, even before that she slept until her feedings and very rarely gave me any trouble going back to sleep, and often was half asleep while I was feeding her.

But, good baby or not, getting up two or three times a night and still having to get up and go to work the next day is hell, regardless of the reason why you had to get up.  I remember my first day back to work after maternity leave, I fell asleep at a red light.  I stopped for the light and thought, I'll just rest my eyes for a second, and the next thing I knew my eyes flew open, and all the cars around me were leaving the intersection.  I continued to pump once I returned to work, even when I wanted to quit, JUST so I could go to the lovely new mothers' lounge my employer created and nap in the comfy chair for the 20 minutes that I pumped, twice a day.  Ok, my baby still getting my breast milk for a couple months longer was a benefit, but really, I just wanted to nap.

I was aware of things when I got up to feed her.  I would go to the kitchen and make her bottle, I'd go in her room and change her diaper and then sit down to feed her.  Once she finished her bottle I would put her back in her crib, usually stare at her for a minute or two, sleeping so peacefully and then go back to bed.  But almost every time when I woke up next, I would wonder how and when I got back in my bed and I would have a mini freak out and worry that I somehow hadn't taken care of Emily, only to look at the monitor and see that she was fast asleep in her crib.  During the day, I would nestle her in my snoogle pillow on the couch while I napped beside her on the adjacent chaise lounge.  My cat would often climb up and snuggle next to me, and when he would jump down after a while, I woke up with my heart pounding out of my chest, thinking I had fallen asleep holding her and that noise was her falling on the floor.

Bedtime is a little harder these days, lately she wants an endless amount of stories read to her, and she doesn't want to go to bed.  Most nights I have to just leave the room with her standing up in her crib, arms out to me crying "see see" (what she says when she wants to be picked up).  But she's still a good sleeper, most nights within 5 or 10 minutes she admits defeat and settles down and goes to sleep.  It's very rare that she wakes me up in the middle of the night these days.  But still, no matter how much sleep I get, no matter how early I go to bed, I am always tired.  

Now granted, the early nights and long hours of sleep are not consistent.  I might go to bed at 11 one night, and fall asleep the second my head hits the pillow, but the next night I'll be up organizing my computer's desktop because I cannot sleep at 3am.  But even on those nights that I get to bed early and sleep well, I'm still exhausted the next day.  It's like once I became pregnant, my body is incapable of ever getting enough sleep.  I am always wanting more.

Lately most mornings she gets a sippy of milk and a breakfast bar and a banana in front of the TV, instead of giving her a more proper breakfast in her high chair in the kitchen, because I am so tired and just want to lounge in the recliner while she eats.  I purposefully sit in the recliner because if I do dose off, sitting up it is never a deep sleep so I can still hear her and I wake up every few minutes to check on her.  But I totally identify with the worries of not being a good mom.  I should be cooking her breakfast, and sitting at the kitchen table, not letting her watch cartoons and eat.

One morning I was so desperate for sleep, I put her in her jumper so she was safe (which she has totally grown out of age wise, but we still use it when we need her confined in baby jail) put on her favorite movie (Enchanted) and stretched out on the couch for a glorious nap.  But again, guilty!  I should be up playing with her, doing arts and crafts, challenging her little brain, not plopping her in front of the TV while I sleep.  

But this article was such a good reminder of what our jobs as mothers really are.  Of course I don't let my kid watch TV 24/7, and what she does watch is educational as well as entertaining.  I do feed her meals (some) at the kitchen table, and we do go out and do fun activities.  Of course motherhood is about teaching your kids right from wrong, how to behave, how to be safe, teaching them to count, identify colors, etc.  But we are merely facilitators for all that.  I find new things that Em has learned on a daily basis that neither I nor my husband taught her.  She is a little sponge and she soaks up every bit of information with or without our help.  But what cannot be found elsewhere is my love for her.

My mom has been gone for almost 12 years now.  Yes, there were days as a kid where I ate junk, or watched a lot of TV, or had to fend for myself to find something to do or something to eat.  There were days when the laundry didn't get done, or we ate out because there was nothing thawed to make for dinner.  I am sure in many ways, my mother was very flawed.  But I don't remember those things.  What I do remember is her love for me.  I remember her comforting arms when I had an ouchie, or I just had a bad day.  I remember her smiling face, standing at the door to greet me when I came home from work or school.  I remember her voice, calling me every day (and sometimes two and three times a day) when I moved out of my parents' house.

No mother is perfect, and most mothers have a lot of flaws.  But my mother loved me, and would protect me with everything she had.  She would go without, so I could have whatever it was I wanted or needed.  This article was a good reminder for me to (try) stop feeling so guilty about every little thing, and realize that I am a good mother.  I comfort my daughter when she is sad or sick or hurt, I make her laugh and smile every day, I keep her safe from harm, I teach her right from wrong, and I love her with every ounce of my being.  And for that, I am a good mother, despite being tired.