Too tired to be a good mother

Dear Google Searcher:

Today you landed on this page because you searched “too tired to be a good mother.” If you are searching terms like this in what little spare time you have, it tells me one thing… you are probably exhausted. 

I have been there. Oh I have been there.

I know what it’s like to lie down in bed and have the infant child wake up as soon as you have a split second to breathe. I know at that moment you would rather do anything than get back up out of that bed for the 3rd time that night. I know the feelings of anger and frustration, and sheer desperation, when you think that you just can’t nurse or rock that child one more time without losing sanity completely. But in those moments, I got up out of bed and rocked and nursed my baby back to sleep…again…while praying for grace, strength, and hoping that he would stay asleep this time. Because I’m a good mother, and so are you.

I know what it’s like to be so tired and exhausted that you can’t think straight, and the thoughts that you think terrify you. I surely didn’t feel like a good mother when I, for the briefest of insane moment, considered abandoning my son in the middle of an upscale mall so I could run away and go sleep. But, of course, I didn’t. Because I’m a good mother, and so are you.

I know what it’s like to drag yourself out of bed at 5:30 am (for the 40th morning in a row) to attend to your two-year-old who is crying for you. I know how it feels to stumble into the living room, fumble with the TV (cringing with guilt because you already know how much TV this child will be watching today), unwrap a banana, and hide under a blanket while trying to muffle the sounds of Thomas the Tank Engine so you can get maybe a few more minutes of sleep. I know how hard it is to put a smile on your face when you greet that perky face before the sun wakes up. But I did. Because I’m a good mother, and so are you.

I know what it’s like to put your toddler in the playyard, put Little Einsteins on repeat, and go to the bedroom to sleep for two hours in the middle of the day, because your choice was either to limit the TV and be a “good mother” or get some sleep and be a sane one.

I know what it’s like to mother while having a condition that makes you chronically tired. To mother when your husband is gone for a year and you are left at home with the infant that refuses to sleep through the night that entire year. I know what it’s like to think to yourself, day in and day out,“If I could only get a little more sleep, then I would be a better mother. Then I wouldn’t yell at my child. Then he wouldn’t have to eat Spaghettios because I’m too tired to cook. Then he wouldn’t have to watch so much TV…” 

I have been there so. many. times.

(And even though he’s 2 1/2, I still am many days…)

I can’t promise you that you will ever not feel tired again. But the tired changes. It goes in phases. There’s the infant-is-up-every-hour-to-nurse tired…the infant-is-sick-and-teething-and-screaming-all-night-long tired…the chasing-after-the-toddler-all-day-long-tired…the dealing-with-terrible-two-tantrums-all-day-long tired. Each one is hard in it’s own right. And each one is different to deal with. But each is a phase.

I promise you that your baby will sleep through the night… eventually. It might take two or three years. (Trust me, I know.) They will finally cut that last set of molars that wakes them up in the middle of the night for weeks on end. They will eventually stop staying up til midnight…finally stop waking up at 5:30 in the morning. They will eventually stop nursing.

It might take several years, but eventually, you will look back and then see how far you’ve come and think, “Naw, this isn’t so bad now.” 

This isn’t one of those “oh kids grow up so fast, so treasure every moment while you can!” posts. Those don’t do anything for tired mommas but to make them feel more like crap.

No. This is the post that says, “Hang in there momma…you’re doing great. You are a good mom, even when you are too tired to see it!”

I know that you feel guilty about the hours of TV, the extra naps, the junk food dinners, the extra lattes. I know you feel guilty about being too tired for sex, snapping at your husband, and yelling at your kids. I know you wish you had more energy to do things like taking showers and wearing makeup or going to the gym.

But “good” motherhood isn’t measured in the hours that your children don’t watch TV and how much money you spend on organic food. It’s not measured in how many showers you take or how many times a week you make it to the gym.

“Good” motherhood is immeasurable. I said it before, I’ll say it again:

“Good” mothers are the ones that worry about being good mothers. 

“Good” mothers know that hugs and kisses and bedtime stories (even when you are yawning the whole time you are reading them) are more important than the external things like too much TV with breakfast and Spaghettios for dinner. “Good” mothers may yell and snap, but they always say “I’m sorry” and give a hug afterwards.

So take heart tired momma. You will make it through these exhausting days. And you will be stronger for them. You are a good mother. You only need to look into the eyes of your children and believe it.

Written by Aprille, Beautiful in his time

I found this on Pinterest today.  I quite often find things I like, pin them to look at later and eventually forget.  Or I read it at the time, think "oh that's nice" and then move on.  But I read this, and it spoke to me.  My mantra has been the article "Why you didn't fail as a mother" by Angela Miller, in regards to dealing with the grief, sadness, and guilt of losing Kayla.  But I think this article will become my mantra for parenting a very active almost two year old.  Now by all accounts, I know how lucky I am.  Emily was a very good baby.  She slept through the night by 3 months, even before that she slept until her feedings and very rarely gave me any trouble going back to sleep, and often was half asleep while I was feeding her.

But, good baby or not, getting up two or three times a night and still having to get up and go to work the next day is hell, regardless of the reason why you had to get up.  I remember my first day back to work after maternity leave, I fell asleep at a red light.  I stopped for the light and thought, I'll just rest my eyes for a second, and the next thing I knew my eyes flew open, and all the cars around me were leaving the intersection.  I continued to pump once I returned to work, even when I wanted to quit, JUST so I could go to the lovely new mothers' lounge my employer created and nap in the comfy chair for the 20 minutes that I pumped, twice a day.  Ok, my baby still getting my breast milk for a couple months longer was a benefit, but really, I just wanted to nap.

I was aware of things when I got up to feed her.  I would go to the kitchen and make her bottle, I'd go in her room and change her diaper and then sit down to feed her.  Once she finished her bottle I would put her back in her crib, usually stare at her for a minute or two, sleeping so peacefully and then go back to bed.  But almost every time when I woke up next, I would wonder how and when I got back in my bed and I would have a mini freak out and worry that I somehow hadn't taken care of Emily, only to look at the monitor and see that she was fast asleep in her crib.  During the day, I would nestle her in my snoogle pillow on the couch while I napped beside her on the adjacent chaise lounge.  My cat would often climb up and snuggle next to me, and when he would jump down after a while, I woke up with my heart pounding out of my chest, thinking I had fallen asleep holding her and that noise was her falling on the floor.

Bedtime is a little harder these days, lately she wants an endless amount of stories read to her, and she doesn't want to go to bed.  Most nights I have to just leave the room with her standing up in her crib, arms out to me crying "see see" (what she says when she wants to be picked up).  But she's still a good sleeper, most nights within 5 or 10 minutes she admits defeat and settles down and goes to sleep.  It's very rare that she wakes me up in the middle of the night these days.  But still, no matter how much sleep I get, no matter how early I go to bed, I am always tired.  

Now granted, the early nights and long hours of sleep are not consistent.  I might go to bed at 11 one night, and fall asleep the second my head hits the pillow, but the next night I'll be up organizing my computer's desktop because I cannot sleep at 3am.  But even on those nights that I get to bed early and sleep well, I'm still exhausted the next day.  It's like once I became pregnant, my body is incapable of ever getting enough sleep.  I am always wanting more.

Lately most mornings she gets a sippy of milk and a breakfast bar and a banana in front of the TV, instead of giving her a more proper breakfast in her high chair in the kitchen, because I am so tired and just want to lounge in the recliner while she eats.  I purposefully sit in the recliner because if I do dose off, sitting up it is never a deep sleep so I can still hear her and I wake up every few minutes to check on her.  But I totally identify with the worries of not being a good mom.  I should be cooking her breakfast, and sitting at the kitchen table, not letting her watch cartoons and eat.

One morning I was so desperate for sleep, I put her in her jumper so she was safe (which she has totally grown out of age wise, but we still use it when we need her confined in baby jail) put on her favorite movie (Enchanted) and stretched out on the couch for a glorious nap.  But again, guilty!  I should be up playing with her, doing arts and crafts, challenging her little brain, not plopping her in front of the TV while I sleep.  

But this article was such a good reminder of what our jobs as mothers really are.  Of course I don't let my kid watch TV 24/7, and what she does watch is educational as well as entertaining.  I do feed her meals (some) at the kitchen table, and we do go out and do fun activities.  Of course motherhood is about teaching your kids right from wrong, how to behave, how to be safe, teaching them to count, identify colors, etc.  But we are merely facilitators for all that.  I find new things that Em has learned on a daily basis that neither I nor my husband taught her.  She is a little sponge and she soaks up every bit of information with or without our help.  But what cannot be found elsewhere is my love for her.

My mom has been gone for almost 12 years now.  Yes, there were days as a kid where I ate junk, or watched a lot of TV, or had to fend for myself to find something to do or something to eat.  There were days when the laundry didn't get done, or we ate out because there was nothing thawed to make for dinner.  I am sure in many ways, my mother was very flawed.  But I don't remember those things.  What I do remember is her love for me.  I remember her comforting arms when I had an ouchie, or I just had a bad day.  I remember her smiling face, standing at the door to greet me when I came home from work or school.  I remember her voice, calling me every day (and sometimes two and three times a day) when I moved out of my parents' house.

No mother is perfect, and most mothers have a lot of flaws.  But my mother loved me, and would protect me with everything she had.  She would go without, so I could have whatever it was I wanted or needed.  This article was a good reminder for me to (try) stop feeling so guilty about every little thing, and realize that I am a good mother.  I comfort my daughter when she is sad or sick or hurt, I make her laugh and smile every day, I keep her safe from harm, I teach her right from wrong, and I love her with every ounce of my being.  And for that, I am a good mother, despite being tired.