Five years ago today I got my first ever positive pregnancy test. My time hop reminded me of it because I had taken a picture of the digital test. That baby would have turned 4 this past August. Seems weird to think that I would have a 4 year old right now. Or a 3 year old if Kayla had lived. But I am ever so thankful for my 2 year old.
My stepmom's nephew needs a carseat and he doesn't have much money, so I told her he could have Emily's old bucket seats. She'll never need it again, it and the bases are cluttering up the basement and you're really not supposed to buy used seats, so I doubt I could get much if any money for them. I mentioned it to Ryan, I don't know why....I guess just to let him know. He asked if I was sure I wanted to do that, implying that we might still need them one day. Oh God, I thought we were on the same page as that, and now he sounds like he is maybe possibly considering another baby? I had planned on one or both of us getting something permanent done BC wise in the new year.
I mean, I haven't fully accepted, or I guess maybe finished mourning the idea of another baby. I still have pangs now and again, I still wish it was a perfect world where I could have another baby. My cousin posted a picture of her two daughters the other day reading a book together....the oldest is six months younger than Em, and her youngest is 5 months old. It was the sweetest picture. So yeah, I do still sometimes wish I could have another baby, meaning I would wake up tomorrow and not be of advanced maternal age, not have all of my high risk issues, not have a history of loss and the risk of experiencing that same loss.
But, I do. So for those reasons and others, I don't want another. I think it is normal to grieve the loss of not having another, even if you don't really want one. But I know I am done, because the idea of taking OPKs all the time, and temping, and taking pregnancy tests, and experiencing the awful let down every month that it's negative, and then the joy and fear once you do get pregnant, and then the fatigue and exhaustion of trying to keep up with Emily while pregnant.... Freaking out every time I have a cramp, or I spot, that awful feeling when the worry sets in and you think, why wouldn't I lose this baby, why wouldn't more bad things happen to me?
My job is only getting more and more in-depth and I will only be gaining more responsibilities and hours in the future, we have no other place to put my home office so that another baby could have this room, and Emily's room is barely big enough for her, let alone sharing a room with a sibling. Like, all of that just doesn't even seem to be in the realm of possibility any more. I am done.
So, we took Emily to see Santa today. Second year in a row it did not go well. Her first year she was too young to be upset, she just sat on his lap, looking at him like whoooo are you???? Last year she was shy and upset and wouldn't let me put her down, but she would at least sit on my lap while I sat next to him. Of course I hadn't planned on being in the picture, so I looked like crap. This year I assumed I would have to be in it so I dressed nice and did my hair and make up, but she threw such a fit, she wouldn't even sit on my lap for a decent picture. I guess we'll try again next year.
We took her to her first movie a few weeks ago, we saw Trolls. We were going to wait until she was like 4, but then I thought, eh, she does really well in public, she had been getting excited every time she saw the Trolls commercial....and most people wait to take their first to a movie, but what do they do with subsequent children? They don't stop going to movies, so the younger sibs go whenever. So we went on a weekday, the earliest show they had. There were only like 5 other families there. She did good. She enjoyed her candy and food, and she seemed to like the movie. I told her she had to whisper if she had to say something, but every time she talked she spoke in her normal voice. But the movie was loud so likely no one heard her, and she's a kid at a kid movie, so whatever.
She did ask to go potty once, but I didn't think to grab my purse which has her fold up potty seat in it, and she is too afraid of big commercial potties, so it was an unsuccessful trip. But other than that she did great. I doubt we'll be in any rush to take her again soon. I couldn't relax quite as well as I would have liked, worried about her making noise or needing the potty and making sure she had her food, and didn't spill, etc. So unless something comes out that she would absolutely love, we'll probably just wait for the drive-in this summer. I'd like to take her to the new Beauty and the Beast coming out since she loves the animated one, but being that is has real people in it, I am not sure it will hold her interest, so we'll just catch it on DVD. I think I might make Ryan take me to see it though :)
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