bye bye mommy naps

I feel like I am finally be a good SAHM/WAHM.  I've always battled with insomnia and having troubles falling asleep.  My husband can 99% of the time fall asleep the moment his head hits the pillow and I have always been so jealous.  But since I began staying at home, my sleep has been really messed up.  I am so lucky that Emily sleeps in later than most kids.  Some days she sleeps until 9, but most days she is up at 7:30 or 8.  But still, as long as she isn't crying for me, I used to often go back to sleep for a bit and she would eventually get bored and go back to sleep, or daddy would get up with her when he got home and stay up for a little bit.  So some mornings I wouldn't get up till 9:30 or 10!  So despite always having good intentions, without the strict schedule of needing to get up for work to leave at a certain time, it became far too easy to hit snooze more than once, or twice, or five times.

Then there were the days when I'd get up with her at 8, but I went to bed at 3am the night before but didn't fall asleep till 5 or 6am.  So I'd be running on two or three hours sleep, and just tired as hell and my eyes were burning.  If I could manage to make it till she went down for a nap around 2, I would nap as well.  But many many mornings I would doze off constantly while she played, and I would often let her play on my phone, sitting on my lap so I knew she was safe while I snoozed.

Then, after dozing all morning and flat out napping for 2-3 hours in the afternoon, I'd be right back in the same spot that night, wide awake because I slept too much during the day.  Or, I would be tired, but I still couldn't shut my brain off and go to sleep.  Since I started working again, my sleep habits have only gotten worse.  I have moments here and there through out the day where I can browse facebook, but for the most part, I am busy with housework or with Emily (or supposed to be if I am not fighting to stay awake).  So once Emily was in bed was the only "me time" I got, but I work at night so I would be working till midnight or 1am, and then I would want me time, so I would stay up way too late, even if I was tired, just because I didn't want my free time to end yet.

Being so sleepy and wanting to do nothing but sleep felt like being on drugs.  I would do anything for sleep.  I was in a haze of fighting to stay awake, but longing to close my eyes just for a few seconds.  I was battling with feeling like a terrible mom...I was right there, and sitting up in the chair meant I didn't get into a deep sleep and could still hear Em, and if she really needed me she would and often did wake me up.  But what kind of existence is that?  I didn't want Emily to remember her childhood as her playing and me dozing off all the time.  I also felt depressed, because when I was awake, I felt miserable because I just wanted to sleep, but when I was finally awake for the day (around 5pm) the day was practically over, I got nothing done and I missed out on another day really being there for Em and interacting with her and taking her places.  When I was awake and alert, I felt great.  I'd think to myself, tomorrow I'll get up early, go for a walk, clean the whole house, do an arts and crafts project with Em, make a casserole and dust the baseboards.  Then the next day I was like ugh, need sleep!

I don't mean to compare sleepiness to a drug addiction.  But I've never done drugs, I've never even smoked weed, that's how boring I am in terms of drugs, so that's what it felt like to me.  Sleep was like my fix, and I was miserable except for that few moments of snuggling into bed or the recliner and happily drifting off to sleep.  So last Monday, I don't remember what time I got to bed the night before, but I am certain it wasn't super early.  But when I woke up, my husband came to bed and laid there talking to me for a while, so by then I was awake.

He couldn't sleep (for once) and suggested we go out for breakfast.  I ate badly, and since I didn't go to the gym and it was a beautiful warm day in February, I took Em for a walk when we got home.  I decided I was going to use this day to try to re-set my sleep clock.  I had gotten up at a decent time, I exercised and decided not to nap.  That night, I went to bed, I forget what time but it was surely before 1am and I practically fell asleep as soon as I hit the pillow.  It was amazing.  The next morning I awoke with my alarm and felt ready to get up.  Again I did not nap, and I went to bed early and slept well.

The only caveat is, on the days that I go to bed early and fall asleep easily, I wake up a lot through out the night.  Sometimes as often as every hour, but sometimes just a couple times.  And I don't get that wonderful feeling of looking at the clock and seeing that it's only 3am and I drift back to sleep.  I do fall back to sleep ok, but it doesn't feel great like I wish it did.  It's more of a dissapointment to see that it is still the middle of the night, like I wish it was time to get up because I am tired of being in bed.  But, if I had to choose between no sleep and laying in bed for hours wide awake, and falling asleep easily and waking often through out the night, I would choose the latter every day and twice on Sunday.  Insomnia is just the worst.

So all week I went to bed early....some nights as early as 11pm but no later than 12:45.  I find that as long as I get to sleep by 1am, I am good.  I've been wide awake during the day, I've been getting my chores done and playing with Emily.  I haven't napped at all.  Sunday afternoon was hard.  We were watching TV and Em was sitting on my lap.  My husband was dozing because he gets up earlier than he should on the weekends so he almost always needs a nap before work.  My eyes were heavy and they did close a few times, but Emily needed to go down for a nap and she still had to potty and get a pull up on.  Had she already had one on, I may have given in and just let her fall asleep on my lap and I would have slept too.  But I am glad I didn't, and I stayed up and got the kitchen cleaned.  I even went to bed early on Friday and Saturday too.

I also re-configured my work schedule.  I was working 3 hours a day once Emily went to bed, so usually 9pm till midnight.  Some days I would do an hour while she napped, but not often.  But I've been trying to increase my hours, so now I am doing two hours while she naps, and two hours at night.  The two hour increments are much easier and fly by, and most nights that has me getting done by 11pm, with time to spare for some me time, or I can get to bed really early.  On Wednesdays when she goes to Nana's, I try to get four hours of work in during the day, that way I get my hours in, but that also gives me the entire night off.  I also do this if my stepmom or dad take her for a day as well.  So I can have 1-2 nights off, in addition to Friday and Saturdays when I take the entire day and night off.
 
So I finally feel like I am being a productive, good mom.  It also makes mornings so much less dreadful when you actually wake up before your alarm, and are ready to get up.  Gym days used to be very hard, and some days I still don't want to go, but not waking up super tired and wanting to go back to sleep makes it so much easier.  This morning I got up and we went to the gym.  We had lunch when we got home, then I cleaned the living room and did a load of laundry.  When I put Em down for a nap, I worked for two hours, and then finished cleaning the living room when she woke up.  Then I made dinner, we watched some TV and played, and then once she was in bed for the night I worked for two more hours.

I have now had just over an hour of me time which is sufficient for tonight.  It's almost 12:40 and I can feel the sleepies setting in, so I am off to bed.  Hopefully I can keep this up.  I'll admit, I do miss my naps.  But it's so nice to not dread bed time, and know you'll fall asleep quickly and be energized and be productive the next day.

Going to school

So my husband and I started working out at a new gym this week, and one of the biggest draws for that gym in particular is that they have a daycare so we can take Emmy while we work out...or I can go when he's sleeping and not have to worry about what to do with Em.

I was nervous to take her on the first day....I knew I would be ok without her, and I trusted that they would take good care of her, but this was her first time EVER being left with anyone other than grandparents or aunts and uncles.  And the aunt and uncle thing is kind of rare even.  I was a very shy child, as Em can be, and I remember the awful anxiety I had when my mom dropped me off for things.  I worried she wouldn't come back, or forget...I'd often cry when she'd drop me off, or at least be terribly anxiety ridden, and when it got close to the time she was supposed to pick me up, I would get the nervous butterflies, worried every minute that ticked by that she wasn't there.

I don't think she was ever late, but the nerves set in as soon as the first parent arrived, until she walked in the door.  I dealt with this much of my childhood, I can even remember feeling anxious and "homesick" at a day program my parents made me go to for church when I was about 10 or possibly older.  So my nervousness surrounding Em going to this daycare was that she would feel the way I used to as a kid.  I know it's necessary, she cannot be with us or grandparents forever, and it's good for her.  But still, you hate to see your baby scared.

She learned about school from somewhere, a show or something, so for the last couple weeks we've been talking to her about the daycare, calling it school, so she's been really excited to go.  When we got there she was the first kid there, and the staff was really nice.  When I asked her to say hi she buried her face in my leg, but quickly warmed up when Ryan got down a castle with princess dolls in it.  I also showed her the video for the Kissing Hand the night before, which is about a racoon who is nervous to start his first day of school away from his mom.

So we got her set up with the castle and stayed with her for a minute or two and then we said we were going to go work out next door and we'd be back to get her in a little while.  She did look a little worried for a second, but then Ryan pointed out other things she could play with.  So I was amazed, no tears, and she was fine when we left.  We peeked in without her seeing us on the way to the work out room and she seemed to be happily playing.

She was there for just over an hour....the time limit is 2 hours, so that is the very most she would be there but I doubt we would work out that long unless we reserved court time to play tennis.  When we went in to pick her up she was happy to see us but she didn't seem like she couldn't wait to get out of there.  The one lady asked if she is in pre-school or anything and we said no, and she was amazed and she said how well she did.  She was playing with my little ponies when we got there and she gathered them up to put them away with no complaints.  She said she had fun and sounds excited to go back.  Whew, I'm so glad.  I used to work in a day care and you could tell which kids had been day care kids since almost birth, they were fine when they got dropped off.  Then there were the ones that would cry when mom or dad first left, but would be ok after a few....or cry once they realized mom or dad had snuck out.  And THEN there were the ones that never stopped crying.  I subbed in one of the 3 year old rooms for one day and this little girl cried for the entire 2 hours I was there, and I was told she had done that all week.  Poor kid.

So I was happy to hear that Emmy didn't have any meltdowns after we left once she realized we weren't coming back right away.  I'm taking her by myself on Friday, so let's hope day two goes just as well.  We don't want to put her in pre-school until she's 4.  I figure she'll have to do things and go places for her entire life, why start that daily grind earlier than you have to?  But I wanted her to do something to make a smoother transition from being home with me all day, to going to preschool, so I think this will be really good for her.  Especially since she is an only child, going to "school" 3-ish times a week for an hour or so for the next year and a half should help prepare her for pre-school, without commiting to two years of it before Kindergarten.

In other good news, she's gotten much better about telling me when she has to go potty, AND going #2 in the potty.  She's been pee pee during the day trained since April, but she still has accidents now and again, and going #2 was really hard.  She would either go in her pull up or underwear and not tell us, or she would tell us, as she's walking funny and grunting.  But I think it's been at least two weeks since we've had an accident and she's been pooping in the potty really well.  I try to remind myself all the time, no child has ever grown up and gone off to college still pooping their pants.  But I really was starting to worry that she'd never get it, and then one day, it clicks.  I don't think we're out of the woods yet, but we're getting there.

She's also been waking up dry most days.  I read the book, Oh Crap, Potty Training, to train her for daytime and it was great.  But I wasn't fond of the way they recommended night training.  They recommend that it be done at the same time, and you wake up every few hours to have them use the bathroom.  YUCK!  I'd always heard tons of kids that were potty trained during the day but not at night for a while, so I figured I'd see how that went.  But I'm pretty sure the book warned against letting them get too old before you nipped it in the bud, because the later they night train, the more troubles you'll have with bed wetting for years and years.

So I was starting to worry that it wouldn't happen on its own, and I'd have to actually "train her", but things are looking good.  I'd say for the last month, she's woken up dry for the majority of the days each week.  I think I will start keeping track tomorrow, and when she hits two weeks dry, I'll take away nap and bed time diapers.  Yikes!  Scary, but if I survived taking her out in public with no diaper on when she first daytime trained, I can handle washing sheets for the occasional accident.

My baby is growing up too quickly.  I've got to start planning for her 3rd birthday party soon!