I feel like I am finally be a good SAHM/WAHM. I've always battled with insomnia and having troubles falling asleep. My husband can 99% of the time fall asleep the moment his head hits the pillow and I have always been so jealous. But since I began staying at home, my sleep has been really messed up. I am so lucky that Emily sleeps in later than most kids. Some days she sleeps until 9, but most days she is up at 7:30 or 8. But still, as long as she isn't crying for me, I used to often go back to sleep for a bit and she would eventually get bored and go back to sleep, or daddy would get up with her when he got home and stay up for a little bit. So some mornings I wouldn't get up till 9:30 or 10! So despite always having good intentions, without the strict schedule of needing to get up for work to leave at a certain time, it became far too easy to hit snooze more than once, or twice, or five times.
Then there were the days when I'd get up with her at 8, but I went to bed at 3am the night before but didn't fall asleep till 5 or 6am. So I'd be running on two or three hours sleep, and just tired as hell and my eyes were burning. If I could manage to make it till she went down for a nap around 2, I would nap as well. But many many mornings I would doze off constantly while she played, and I would often let her play on my phone, sitting on my lap so I knew she was safe while I snoozed.
Then, after dozing all morning and flat out napping for 2-3 hours in the afternoon, I'd be right back in the same spot that night, wide awake because I slept too much during the day. Or, I would be tired, but I still couldn't shut my brain off and go to sleep. Since I started working again, my sleep habits have only gotten worse. I have moments here and there through out the day where I can browse facebook, but for the most part, I am busy with housework or with Emily (or supposed to be if I am not fighting to stay awake). So once Emily was in bed was the only "me time" I got, but I work at night so I would be working till midnight or 1am, and then I would want me time, so I would stay up way too late, even if I was tired, just because I didn't want my free time to end yet.
Being so sleepy and wanting to do nothing but sleep felt like being on drugs. I would do anything for sleep. I was in a haze of fighting to stay awake, but longing to close my eyes just for a few seconds. I was battling with feeling like a terrible mom...I was right there, and sitting up in the chair meant I didn't get into a deep sleep and could still hear Em, and if she really needed me she would and often did wake me up. But what kind of existence is that? I didn't want Emily to remember her childhood as her playing and me dozing off all the time. I also felt depressed, because when I was awake, I felt miserable because I just wanted to sleep, but when I was finally awake for the day (around 5pm) the day was practically over, I got nothing done and I missed out on another day really being there for Em and interacting with her and taking her places. When I was awake and alert, I felt great. I'd think to myself, tomorrow I'll get up early, go for a walk, clean the whole house, do an arts and crafts project with Em, make a casserole and dust the baseboards. Then the next day I was like ugh, need sleep!
I don't mean to compare sleepiness to a drug addiction. But I've never done drugs, I've never even smoked weed, that's how boring I am in terms of drugs, so that's what it felt like to me. Sleep was like my fix, and I was miserable except for that few moments of snuggling into bed or the recliner and happily drifting off to sleep. So last Monday, I don't remember what time I got to bed the night before, but I am certain it wasn't super early. But when I woke up, my husband came to bed and laid there talking to me for a while, so by then I was awake.
He couldn't sleep (for once) and suggested we go out for breakfast. I ate badly, and since I didn't go to the gym and it was a beautiful warm day in February, I took Em for a walk when we got home. I decided I was going to use this day to try to re-set my sleep clock. I had gotten up at a decent time, I exercised and decided not to nap. That night, I went to bed, I forget what time but it was surely before 1am and I practically fell asleep as soon as I hit the pillow. It was amazing. The next morning I awoke with my alarm and felt ready to get up. Again I did not nap, and I went to bed early and slept well.
The only caveat is, on the days that I go to bed early and fall asleep easily, I wake up a lot through out the night. Sometimes as often as every hour, but sometimes just a couple times. And I don't get that wonderful feeling of looking at the clock and seeing that it's only 3am and I drift back to sleep. I do fall back to sleep ok, but it doesn't feel great like I wish it did. It's more of a dissapointment to see that it is still the middle of the night, like I wish it was time to get up because I am tired of being in bed. But, if I had to choose between no sleep and laying in bed for hours wide awake, and falling asleep easily and waking often through out the night, I would choose the latter every day and twice on Sunday. Insomnia is just the worst.
So all week I went to bed early....some nights as early as 11pm but no later than 12:45. I find that as long as I get to sleep by 1am, I am good. I've been wide awake during the day, I've been getting my chores done and playing with Emily. I haven't napped at all. Sunday afternoon was hard. We were watching TV and Em was sitting on my lap. My husband was dozing because he gets up earlier than he should on the weekends so he almost always needs a nap before work. My eyes were heavy and they did close a few times, but Emily needed to go down for a nap and she still had to potty and get a pull up on. Had she already had one on, I may have given in and just let her fall asleep on my lap and I would have slept too. But I am glad I didn't, and I stayed up and got the kitchen cleaned. I even went to bed early on Friday and Saturday too.
I also re-configured my work schedule. I was working 3 hours a day once Emily went to bed, so usually 9pm till midnight. Some days I would do an hour while she napped, but not often. But I've been trying to increase my hours, so now I am doing two hours while she naps, and two hours at night. The two hour increments are much easier and fly by, and most nights that has me getting done by 11pm, with time to spare for some me time, or I can get to bed really early. On Wednesdays when she goes to Nana's, I try to get four hours of work in during the day, that way I get my hours in, but that also gives me the entire night off. I also do this if my stepmom or dad take her for a day as well. So I can have 1-2 nights off, in addition to Friday and Saturdays when I take the entire day and night off.
So I finally feel like I am being a productive, good mom. It also makes mornings so much less dreadful when you actually wake up before your alarm, and are ready to get up. Gym days used to be very hard, and some days I still don't want to go, but not waking up super tired and wanting to go back to sleep makes it so much easier. This morning I got up and we went to the gym. We had lunch when we got home, then I cleaned the living room and did a load of laundry. When I put Em down for a nap, I worked for two hours, and then finished cleaning the living room when she woke up. Then I made dinner, we watched some TV and played, and then once she was in bed for the night I worked for two more hours.
I have now had just over an hour of me time which is sufficient for tonight. It's almost 12:40 and I can feel the sleepies setting in, so I am off to bed. Hopefully I can keep this up. I'll admit, I do miss my naps. But it's so nice to not dread bed time, and know you'll fall asleep quickly and be energized and be productive the next day.
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