Most days I am ok, but more often than I would like, I get scared. I love her so much and the idea of something happening to her just scares the ever-living crap out of me. Lately at night I have been laying down with her for a bit after reading stories and I sing to her, or we sing together. I study her face, I see the light in her eyes, and never will I get enough hugs and kisses. And the fear of that ever going away just frightens me to the core. Motherhood is so amazing, I would never ever trade it for the world, but sometimes it is just so damn scary to love another being as much as I love her. I don't know if it's because we lost our first, or because I've experienced quite a bit of loss in my life, or if it is just regular parent worries that I would feel no matter what, but sometimes I feel like I am already in pain and grieving her loss, even when she is right in front of me, talking and laughing and smiling. The anxiety of losing her sometimes seems just as bad as if I were to lose her.
But, this is a happy post, so I will quit dwelling on the what ifs, and just talk about the fantastic weekend we had. We started her birthday bash with a trip to the aquarium on Friday. We took her there on her first birthday too, but let's be honest, that was more for me. I love aquariums and it had just opened, and Michigan kind of has a shortage of aquariums, so I used her first birthday as an excuse to go. She was too little last time. I am sure she didn't hate it, but she didn't really know what we were doing or why we were there. This time she loved it. We decided to go on Friday since we figured it would be less busy than today, and it was. There was usually only one or two other families around us, and sometimes none at all so it was a very nice visit, we could take our time at each exhibit and she loved looking at all the different fish. I also love that she is amazed with sharks just like I am. I'm hoping that can be an interest and passion that we both share...but hopefully she won't be as scared of them as I am. I'm talking, "can freak myself out if I am alone in a pool" scared.
Once we got through, she tried to play on the equipment at the end. It's like the playground at McDonald's, it's got theses big "steps" that you have to climb up and it's all enclosed in netting and there are catwalks and a slide. But just like at McDonalds, the steps get further apart the higher you go, so both places she could only get to the third step. She could have made it up that if she really tried, but if the next step was even bigger as I suspect it was, she would have been stopped there anyway. I suspect it is to weed out the kids that might be too little or scared to do what they need to do, so that kids that are too little can't go very high, and so that the scared/too small ones can't get to the very top and then be too scared to get down.
So then we went to the gift shop and she picked out a Destiny stuffie from Finding Dory. When we went to the aqaurium in Vegas when I was pregnant with her, we still hadn't decided on a nursery theme yet and while in the gift shop I suggested an under the sea theme, which Ryan loved at first, but he said he wanted it to be realistic, not cutesy with pink crabs and purple sharks. I thought realistic for a baby's room was weird, so we nixed it. But as it turns out, it would have been the perfect theme for her, the girl is nuts about fish (but I still would have wanted the cutesy version). Last time after the aquarium we had lunch at The Rainforest Cafe, but Ryan really wanted to try Joe's Crab Shack, and there aren't any around us. It turned out to be a good choice...good food, and there was a huge shark hanging from the ceiling, and they brought a little toy shark with the food. He is supposed to go on a drink called the shark bite, but the waiter said it's a really strong drink, and I really didn't want to get drunk or tipsy so I passed on it, but he brought me a shark anyway, which now belongs to Em apparently, lol.
We got home in late afternoon, and then just relaxed for a bit until it was time to leave for my dad's for dinner; he made corned beef and cabbage for St. Patty's day. I hate St. Patty's day....even back when we went to the bar often, I hated it. The bar's are too crowded with stupid drunks, places charge cover, and I'm sorry but green beer just looks nasty. Ryan used to drag me out for St. Patty's when we were younger and first dating. Thank God we're getting too old for that, and even when he has insisted we go out, the last 5 years we've been going to places that are also restaurants, just to drink and have corned beef. So spending the evening with all my family was the perfect way to celebrate.
In fact, I hate St. Patty's so much, that's why I specifically chose March 18th to be induced because I didn't want to risk Emily being born on St. Patty's. Turns out that wouldn't have been a problem since she didn't come that first day anyway, but still. However, Friday was also our dog's biurthday. Or at least it's the day I picked, because it was roughly 9 weeks back from when we got her, and it's an easy day to remember. I can remember my kids' birthdays, but for pets I need an easy day to remember. She's 2 now, so becoming a calmer dog more and more. She still goes nuts, but for as high energy as she is, she also does sleep A LOT....which is why she has so much energy I guess. She's like a cheetah, she has short, but super energized bursts, then she has to sleep for hours. Lately I've been letting her come to bed with me (I know, I never thought I would let a dog in my bed) and she sleeps the entire night with me. Doesn't get up until I do in the morning. So, Happy Birthday Nalah!
We got home way too late on Friday. I still had a lot to do around the house for her party, but she needed a bath and I figured it would be easier to take one at Baba's, than to take one once we were home and possibly having fallen asleep on the way. So we didn't get home until after 11. So I put her down, and got to work on her cake pops. Her party theme was little mermaid, so I made these adorable cake pops with dinglehoppers (forks) stuck in them. So first I had to make the cake pops, then dip the forks in the melted white chocolate and stick them in. Then they had to freeze for 10 minutes, then I could dip the whole thing in to coat, and then I had to decorate them. But once the chocolate hardened it was hard to make the decorations stick unless I used more chocolate as glue, so I'd have to stop every third one or so and decorate them before they hardened, which was little chocolate seashells and tiny sugar pearls. So yeah, very painstaking to decorate them all. Thankfully I had molded the seashells a few days before. That was a pain too. I had planned on just adding food coloring to the liquid chocolate and then pouring them into the molds. But apparently, the second you add food coloring to the chocolate, it turns into a big sticky ball. Microwaving it some more didn't help either.
So then I tried pouring some food coloring into the molds and then putting the chocolate in, that was a disaster, and I tried "painting" the food coloring on afterward, but it looked like when you try to paint laminate with water colors. I had a bottle of color mist in silver to coat the whole cake pop afterward to make them look pearl-esque, so I tried spraying that on the chocolate shells and voila, it colored them nicely. So I sent Ryan pictures of what I needed and he stopped at the store on his way home from work the next day to get some blue and purple spray so I successfully had a bunch of blue and purple seashells and sand dollars. So once I finally got all the cake pops decorated, I sprayed them all with the silver mist, which looked gorgeous but I swear that shit will give me cancer. I always felt a bit sick and lighheaded after spraying it. Here party guests, have some cancer on a stick!
The only plus side to our power being out for a few days last week and having to toss almost everything in our fridge and freezer, is that we now had room for all the cake pops. I figured I needed about 45, and the one box of cake mix made about 75. So for future cake pop makers, one box of mix is more than enough (if you want less than 75). I bought three boxes, so I guess I'll have to make cakes in the next year. So it was now 4:30 in the morning and I was exhausted. My once clean kitchen that I spent several hours the day before cleaning, was now a mess, I still had other things to do and I needed to sleep. So I went to bed until 9. When I went into get Em, she was crying and wanted me to lay down with her. So I did, and I swear I thought it was 15 minutes, but we must have fallen back to sleep because it was now 10. I had a ton to do, still had to shower and our guests would be here at 1. So I ran around the house like a nut, cleaning up the cake pop stuff, cleaning the bathroom, dusting the living room furniture, mopping floors, and vacumming. Just once I would love to successfully get a little done each day, and just be able to take my time the day of. I even had a schedule of things to get done each day, and I thought I stuck to it pretty well and hadn't left much to do on Saturday, but apparently I was wrong.
I didn't get out of the shower until 20 to 1, Emily was still in her pj's and I had no idea what to wear. I would have liked to have done my hair and make up, but I went bare faced and had my wet hair up in a bun. Oh well. I was literally getting Emmy dressed as my friend and her boys arrived, and then I had to french braid her pigtails. I was amazed, she normally doesn't like having her hair done, and as guests were arriving, she actually sat very nicely and let me do it, and it looked so cute. I got her a sleeveless black dress, with a tulle skirt that said #Princess on the front.
The party was good, we served mac and cheese and hot dogs, and my MIL brought salad. The food was simple, but it was still a lot of work to make 6 boxes of mac and cheese (we had way too much, but too much is better than not enough) and I also put chili in the crock pot for the hot dogs while Ryan grilled. Once people had got some food, I made a plate and sat down. It was like heaven. I had been on my feet all morning and I hadn't eaten anything yet that day, so my hot dog and mac and cheese tasted like filet mignon. She got a lot of nice presents; a few Pete the cat books, the Pete game, and Pete the cat and his groovy buttons puppet. A toy cash register, some clothes, a troll coloring book and puzzle, a my little pony doll, and a black and decker tool bench. I actually want to play with them all.
The cake pops were a success. I was amazed that they turned out nice looking AND they even tasted good. The silver plastic forks were a hit with all the kids. We had ice cream too. Last year I bought ice cream but forgot to serve it with the cupcakes....so proud that I remembered this year, but later that night realized I forgot to put out the chips I had bought. Oye!
The party was so great, and I was so happy to just relax and be lazy that evening. Emily was having fun playing with her new toys and I somehow had enough energy to get the dishes in the dishwasher and clean up from the party. The living room got a little nuts today, but it shouldn't take much to get it back in order tomorrow. After everything we host, I am always determined to keep the house clean and clutter-free after being clean for company. I will succeed this time....I hope.
Last night I went in and took my usual picture of her, in her last hours as a 2 year old. I was a little hung up on the fact that I forgot and didn't take the pic till 2 am, so it was technically already her birthday. But she wasn't born until 12 hours later, so I'll give myself a pass (yes I know I am nuts). Before I went to bed, I put streamers across her door from the outside and then tucked balloons between the door and streamers. I saw it on facebook and thought it was cute. When the door is opened, the birthday girl or boy is bombarded with balloons falling into their room. It didn't work so well though. Even though she is capable of opening her door, she will never just get up. She always waits in bed for us to come get her. So we kept saying Em, come out here and see the surprise we have for you. She just kept yelling no and crying and screaming. So finally we just opened the door and punched the balloons in. Instantly her face lit up and she yelled, balloons! Ugh, party pooper.
So then we had her open her presents from us. We gave her one the day before, her first bike. I was itching to let her have a present, and if it was nice enough the day of the party I figured the kids could go outside and she could ride her bike, but it was too cold. But at least she got to show it off to everyone. She's been "riding it" around the house....i.e. strattling it and walking. It's a balance bike, so it's meant to be propelled with her feet so the kids learn how to balance before moving on to a bike with pedals....apparently we've all been doing it wrong all these years and it works better to learn how to balance and then learn how to peddle. I remember learning to ride my bike was a big task for me, and even ended up in the ER when I turned and fell off my bike with training wheels. I split my chin open and needed 4 stitches. So if a balance bike will teach her more smoothly and faster, I am all for it. And it's soooo tiny and cute!
So today her presents were a Melissa & Doug roll of paper for her to draw on, a bigger kid puzzle (she long ago mastered all of her baby puzzles), two books, a My little pony flashlight, and Belle and Ariel figurines. I think that's it. And we ate a bunch of cake pops all day. Today was a nice and relaxing day. I was so glad we celebrated Friday and Saturday and could just chill today. I made sure to notice when it was 2:20pm so I could tell her that at that exact time 3 years ago was when she came into the world. She surely didn't really understand, but I will have fun telling that story every year and annoy her, just like my mom always did on my birthday. My mom would always say, this time X amount of years ago, I didn't even know you yet. I would always roll my eyes and say yeah yeah mom, you say that every year. Now there is nothing I wouldn't give to hear her say that again.
It's funny, before I had kids, I always thought my birthday was just a great day for me. I never realized how special of a day it is for your parents too. I look forward to her birthday, remembering and celebrating the day she came into this world and made me her mommy, the day my life began. I look forward to seeing her smile and have fun, and make her birthdays special. It's crazy how much you just cannot understand or even think of until you have kids of your own. Her birthdays pain me a little. She's growing up way too fast. She's still got another two and a half years till kindergarten, but man, they'll go just as fast or faster than these past three years have gone. Every year I make a picture montage set to music of all her pictures from her last birthday to this one. This one's was set to You are my sunshine, which is one of the songs she asks me to sing every night. It's crazy to see how baby-like she still looked just a year, and even just 6 months ago. Now she looks so grown up, and is so independent and talks so much. She's also grown 3.5 inches and gained almost 5 pounds in the last year. I am torn between wanting to keep her my little baby forever, and watching her grow and turn into a beautiful young lady who I hope succeeds in everything she sets her mind to. Parenting is so hard, but so rewarding. I love her so so so much. Happy birthday baby girl!
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