So I was like haha, no. I said the one we have now drives us crazy enough, and he said that's why we have another, to balance it out. I said how I wish we could, in a perfect world....and how Emily is at the age where I would have liked her to be if we had another. I think 4 years is good because the oldest is out of diapers, if they're still in their terrible three's, you've at least had a year to grow accustomed to them. They're old enough to be more independent so you can focus more on the baby, their old enough to hopefully understand that they're not being replaced and why mommy can't spend every second with them anymore, and they're old enough to help you with things. My brother and I are four years apart and I always thought it was good. He was a protective older brother, but we had our own things. We didn't share friends, which can be good and can be bad, but in our case I think it was good. We barely even went to school together, the last time we went to school together I was in the second grade and he was in sixth. I'm not sure how I would have felt about him and I being in high school together at the same time, but I will say as it was, I didn't mind that he wasn't there.
We did go through a stage where I was still a kid and he was entering his teen years so he didn't have time for his pesky sister anymore, but as adults, our 4 year age gap is nothing. Plus I think it just gives parents a chance to enjoy their kids stages one at a time. When your oldest is 2ish, they're still such a baby themselves, and then this new baby comes along. You often have to evict them from their crib so the new baby can use it, and it likely brings up feelings of being abandoned or replaced. Emily will long since be out of her crib by the time another arrived.
So then I said how I am old, and so high risk and he said how he will eat whatever I eat the entire pregnancy (since I've had GD twice, and likely would again). I asked if he was serious, and he said it's now or never. I thought we were both sold on the never part. We have a urologist picked out, we had planned to go ahead with the vasectomy sometime within this year. Aside from the occasional pangs, I had been set on no more for at least a year now. I was shocked that he was talking about this. He told me to give it some serious thought for a few days. So now I am back at square one.
I wouldn't have another baby just because he wants one, but as we were talking about it last night, I'll admit, I got a little excited about the idea of another baby. I got excited about the idea of decorating a room, and picking out new baby things, and getting to use our boy or girl name that we never used and having baby snuggles again. I woke up this morning feeling less enthused, but I have to say, I am still thinking about it and completely torn. In some ways it would be really nice to try for another. Just today Emily was watching the video from the balloons we released last week for Kayla's birthday, and while watching it she said, happy birthday Kayla! It was the first time she really clearly said Kayla instead of Keya. She is becoming much more aware of the fact that she has a sister, and that we celebrate her birthday. It makes me so sad that her sister isn't here to play with. I still don't think she NEEDS a living sibling. I've said many times before that giving your child a sibling doesn't always work out. Sometimes that sibling dies, either as a child or later in life, so the idea of having someone once your parents pass doesn't always work out. Sometimes siblings hate each other and have no relationship later in life, so a lifelong friend isn't always a result. So I don't think she needs a sibling, but I do think it would be nice for her to have someone else.
Right now she and I are so close, and I hope and pray we can be that mother-daughter duo that defies the odds and don't have a horrible relationship when she's a teen. But I do sometimes worry about her being around mostly adults all the time. I worry about the family dynamic as she gets older. Are we going to annoy the crap out of her when she's older because we still want it to be the three of us, the "three muskateers" when she wants to go off with her friends and not hang out with mom and dad? Are we going to fall to pieces when she moves out one day and becomes an adult? Before we became a family of 3, I always felt like only children households were strange, because the parents kind of depend on the kid to be the buffer. That's not to say Ryan and I won't enjoy spending time together just the two of us once she's grown, but I feel like it's too easy for parents of only children to feel like the sun rises and sets on their only child, and maybe doesn't always have the healthiest level of dependecy on them. It's so hard to say now at her age, but that's what I always thought of when I thought about having an only child.
If we're being annoying, or when we fall from grace and we no longer know everything, and we're no longer superheros in her eyes, it would be kind of nice for her to have a sibling to talk to, relate to, to share things with....or just to rant to about what dorky parents they have and how we don't understand them. As far as the fear of another loss goes....I don't know. I think I could handle an early loss. Like right this minute, the fear of another loss isn't necessarily stopping me from having another kid. All this time I thought it was, and maybe it was for a long time, but it's been 4 years since we lost Kayla. Maybe some of that raw grief has finally scabbed over enough. I know a later loss would of course still be crushing, but when we lost Kayla, we lost all of our hopes and dreams. I had no idea if it meant we would never bring home a baby, but what I did know was it took forever to get pregnant both times, we lost both pregnancies we did have, and I was in my early 30's, not knowing if I would ever get to bring a baby home.
Her loss was two fold...it was losing HER, and it was losing our hope of having a baby. Whereas if we had another later loss, we would of course grieve for that baby, but I think I could say ok, we tried and it didn't work out. But we're still so greatful to have Emily. And, I guess after going through the loss that we did, it kind of showed me that if I could make it through that, I can make it through anything. To a degree....I don't even want to imagine something happening to Emily. But then again, I say all this now, when there is no baby and I don't know the sex and I haven't felt it kicking me and seen it's little profile on the ultrasound. But still, I do think another loss would be ever so slightly easier now, than before. At the very least, I would know what to expect as I would be going down a road I've already traveled.
I am still very nervous about my age, and the risks. But, I know plenty of women who have had babies in their mid to late 30's, these days it isn't nearly as taboo or risky as it was decades ago. Hell, decades ago it would have been a bit out of the norm to have a baby when I had Emily at 34 but now I am in good company of women who didn't start their families until their 30's. And, younger women are not exempt from health risks, and birth defects, and multiple births, so I do realize that my age doesn't mean for certain that any of those things would happen. I guess the main things that are holding me back now are 1) I thought we were settled on no more kids. I had nestled into a spot of being content with just one living child, and now that idea has been turned upside down. 2) My job is an issue. My co-worker has 4 kids, and one of them is just barely a year old, so a year ago she was dealing with work, three kids and a newborn. It's twice as many kids as I would have, but she does only work 10 hours a week. It's still a lot with four kids at home (not sure if any are in school or not) but at least with 10 hours, you can just do two hours a day, 5 days a week. If one or two of her kids are in school, she can work when the others nap.
But, working 20 hours at home is still easier than working 40 outside the home, and plenty of people do that and have more than one kid. Emily already goes to her Nana's once a week, if I had another baby I am sure my dad would be willing to take them another day a week. Hell, he pretty much takes Emily anytime he can when he is home and not up north, he took her twice this week. There is the issue of my office...our only other bedroom is my office, and working from home, a dedicated office space is pretty important. But like Ryan said, that gives us about a year to get the basement finished, and while it's not in the plans right now, I guess I could put my office down there. I have the whole other bedroom for my office, but my actual work stuff only takes up one corner, so it wouldn't be too hard to put an office downstairs. I would definitely need to take some time off after the baby is born, but probably not more than a few weeks to a month, since ya know, I do work from home. But I really only work when Emily is not home, napping, or once she's gone to bed. I guess working 20 hours a week with two kids wouldn't be THAT different from working 20 hours with one kid. It would just mean trying to sync up their naps, and working after they're both in bed. Emily slept very nicely in the evening in my mini snoogle on the couch while I watched TV. If this baby were a decent sleeper, I guess I could always just have her in a swing in the early months, swinging away in my office with me, sleeping while I work.
I do worry about the chaos level. My friends that have two kids, it seems like they're just playing referee all day long. When their not yelling at this one, the other one is getting into trouble. I just think of the Grinch talking about how much noise noise noise noise there will be. But, I had that same fear before Emily was born. When it was just the two of us, everything was quiet. I would often be upstairs in the evening, either watching TV or reading and everything was quiet, I usually had a cat on my lap. We could come and go as we pleased....we would go out to eat when we wanted, go to the movies when we wanted. I worried that our carefree life would be wildly different once Em came. But, for the most part, not much changed. She was such a good baby, she was like a potted plant, we could take her anywhere and she barely made a peep. Our evenings we're often still quiet as she slept soundly next to me on the couch, and then in her crib once I took her in there for the night.
We still go pretty much whereever we want, Emily is still really good out in public, we go to the movies when she is at Nana's on wednesdays, or someone watches her for the night while we go out for a date night. Even when the house is crazy and noisy, the dog is running around, I am tripping over toys and Emily is screeching and stomping....it's our new normal. It feels like it has always been this way. I can't imagine life being just the two of us anymore, so I am probably being silly about how much crazier the house would be with another kid. I mean, we're talking about just one more, not 5 more. Hopefully one more anyway, the idea of twins scaaaares me. I used to freak out about the idea of going places by myself with two, but Emily is so good, she is not a runner at all. She stays by my side, and often wants to hold my hand, so at least I wouldn't have to deal with getting the baby out of the car and then worrying about where Emily is running off to.
I do get excited a little when I think of another baby....thinking about maybe we would get a boy this time. Honestly it doesn't matter. A boy would be cool and different. But another girl would be a-ok by me. We already have all girl stuff, and for Emily to have a little sister that she could play with would be so precious. I guess if I was leaning one way a little more, I would absolutely love another girl. But I am sure part of that is just due to being a girl mom; the idea of having a boy seems so foreign and unfamiliar. I know we never got to parent Kayla, but from the moment we found out she was a girl, I thought about girl stuff, we did her registry with cute little girl nursery items and pink clothes, and in my heart, I don't have a living daughter and one in heaven, I have two daughters. So the idea of switching over to team blue is a little frightening, but I certainly wouldn't be upset if we had a boy. I am sure it's the same for boy moms, they maybe can't imagine having a girl.
I do worry about my weight....I've been doing pretty good lately, sticking to healthy eating. I've only lost 5 pounds so far, but it's something. You cannot lose 10 or 20 or 30 without losing that first 5. So I fear a pregnancy would once again stall that out. Because of my GD diet, and throwing up so much, I was at a 10lb deficit almost my entire pregnancy with Emily. The last month I gained that 10 back, so the day I delivered I was the same weight I was when I got pregnant. But I highly doubt they would be ok with me losing a large amount of weight, like 20+ pounds when pregnant.
But...after I had Emily, I lost 30 pounds that first two weeks post partum. Between pumping and just not really eating, the weight fell off...but once I started eating again more regularly, the weight quickly came back because I wasn't eating healthy. But if we did have another, and that drastic weightloss happaned again, I could try to use that as a head start to keep it going. Knowing what to expect this time, I could make sure I have plenty of healthy snacks in the house, maybe make a bunch of freezer meals that last month so I can make easy dinners in the beginning. And, if we did try again, who knows how long it could take. It could take a while and I can continue to work towards losing more weight in the meantime.
I don't know, breaking down all of my worries and reasons for not having another does make it seem a lot less scary. And no matter what, once another baby is here, I would never regret having him or her. Despite Emily being a very good kid, there are days where she is very very very bad. But even on those days I have never once thought man, I so wish I hadn't had kids. No, I just look forward to bedtime, and hope tomorrow is better. There are no amount of tantrums that a simple, I love you mommy, cannot fix. When I hear her little voice, and she says sweet stuff like that, or comes running into my arms crying because she has a boo boo, there is just nothing like it.
I am on the second week of this pill pack. Maybe I will finish this pack, and then see where we're at. Maybe we could try till the end of the year, and if it happens, cool, but if not, then that's cool too. We'll see.
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