Today (the 24th, it's after midnight) would have been my angel's 4th birthday. It was a beautiful day, unseasonably warm (a little too warm, almost 80) and sunny. Very strange for March, especially since last Saturday Ryan spent a long time shoveling snow before Emmy's party.
Emily and I went out on a little afternoon date while daddy was sleeping. We had lunch at McDonalds and then we went to Meijer. I know, fun right? But any time spent with her is fun, especially when it's just us girls. I usually do my shopping at Target, but I had a crapload of cans to return (because I am lazy and get my groceries delivered, so the cans tend to stack up) so I returned them and then got some money off our purchases.
I got sidetracked in the wall art section. I LOVE wall art. I seriously have run out of walls in my house to hang stuff. I love quotes, pictures, pictures with quotes, you name it. If it hangs on the wall, or sits on a shelf and does absolutely nothing, I want to give my money to someone for it. It's an obsession. I found this adorable light up "box" I guess you would call it, I think it sits on a shelf, and it says Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on one side and something else on the other but I forget what. It would make a very nice nightlight for Em. She already has two (three if you count the Frozen nightlight that is currently out of batteries) but it's so cute, and she loves that song. A few months ago she didn't know the words so she would sing "Tingo star, how me do".
But alas, I didn't get it. Maybe some day when I have money I don't know what to do with I'll go get it. While I was there I decided to check my blood pressure at the little self service thingie they have. Yes, I.am.officially.old. How do you know you're old? When you start complaining about the damp weather, and you take your (free) blood pressure at Meijers (and add an S to names like Meijer). My BP is normally very good, but I am currently on a med that can raise it, so I wanted to check. Today it was high. I am not sure if it contributes at all, but since it was warm I was sweaty and kind of running around doing errands...I can't seem to do anything at a leisurely pace. I always feel like I am rushing, even when I don't have to, and it's the first day of my period, I thought maybe it could have contributed to the high reading. I don't know.
But since I am on this med and should check it fairly often, Ryan suggested we just buy an at-home one. And cause ya know, we're old. So we did, thank you Amazon, $29.99, it'll be here Sunday. Oh, and I also had a low blood sugar episode earlier. I've been having them more and more often, but according to my latest blood tests, I am still just pre-diabetic. But I see my endocrinologist in a couple weeks so I want to be re-tested. It sounds messed up, but in some ways I wish I would just get it already so I can properly treat it. Mentally, I don't think I can take as good of care of myself if I am just pre, but if I get the official diagnosis, then I will get serious. I was very good about it when I had it in pregnancy.
I just looked it up because I am not real sure what different readings mean, but it says you should consider yourself to be having a hypoglycemic episode if your bloodsugar is 80 mg/dl or lower, or it's 90 or lower AND you're having symptoms. I didn't test my BS today because we were on the way out the door, but I did the other day when I felt it and it was 80. So, 80 plus symptoms is probably not good. So today I grabbed an orange juice on the way out the door and sipped it on the way to lunch, which made me feel instantly better, but not great. Lunch helped a lot, but for the next few hours I still felt a little off (yeah ok, McDonalds isn't the best choice I know). When I checked my BP it said my heart rate was 114, which is way higher than it should be for just walking around a store.
Anyway, that's my little Meijer story. I'm anxious to check my BP again on Sunday when I am not having a hypoglycemic episode. Once we got home we got ready to go to the cemetery. We stopped and got some balloons and took Kayla her stuffed animal we got her and a card. We originally had gotten her one of those small stuffed animals with the huge eyes, but Emily saw it in Kayla's stocking at Christmas and said kitty? in just the cutest voice ever, so I let her play with it but I told her it was Kayla's and she could take care of it until spring. Well of course she fell in love with it. Today she asked if we were taking it, and I said no, and she kind of objected, but I noticed she didn't say anything about it when I put the stuffed rabbit at her grave that I picked up at the store the other day. Lesson learned, don't let Emmy have the stuffed animal we buy for Kayla until we have retired it in the fall.
Their Nana and Papa had been out a few days prior and left a huge pinwheel. The thing is enormous, I love it. It's taller than Em. So we put the stuffed animal and card out, and then we walked out into the clearing to release the balloons. Emmy kept saying, happy birthday Keya. It was so cute and sad all at once. We had a fourth one in case we lost or broke one, so we were going to tie it to the pinwheel but decided it would get all caught up in it, so Ryan took Emmy back out to the clearing to release that one too. The breeze must have been lower at that point because they released it, it skimmed through the sky much much lower than the others, got caught in the tree and then we heard, pop! Oops, luckily Em didn't notice. After that we went to dinner, but had to cut it short because Emily didn't have a nap and was melting down. So we packed up the food and went home.
It was a nice day. I didn't really cry. I got a little choked up picking which quote to put on facebook along with my happy birthday message. I went a bit kooky this year. I usually say something short and simple, like happy birthday to our angel in Heaven. But being that it has been 4 years, and we have Emily, I always worry she will begin to be forgotten as time goes on....or people will think we're "over it" because we have Emmy. So I wanted people to know that we DO have 2 daughters, and that she is very missed, and while Em certainly did brighten our lives and help lift us out of our grieve, she does not in any way replace Kayla, or mean we are over it and we're fine. I want people to know that I think of her EVERY SINGLE DAY, and that I miss her and love her, just like other people love all of their living children individually and seperate from all of their other children. It got a lot of likes, and a few nice comments, so I am happy. I'm happy I said it, and so now people know. And if they don't, then that's their issue.
Last night it wasn't until 10pm that I realized today was the only day to remember. In past years I relived the night before, thinking about where we were at one time, thinking about what time we headed for the hospital, thinking about when we got the news. So I would say it's probably progress that I didn't even think about that stuff until 10pm. I thought about it off and on through out the night, but I didn't dwell on it like most years. I didn't wake up with a heavy chest. The anniversaries are getting easier.
I do miss her though, and I wonder who she would have been. I imagine her and Emily playing together. If she were alive, we would be researching pre-schools to send her to in the fall, and freaking out over it being the last year before she starts kindergarten. Ryan and I differ in our beliefs. He has more spiritual beliefs, thinking that a person's soul is meant to be born and will be born, no matter when or where. For example, I say that had Kayla lived, Emily would not be here. Because had she been born when she was and survived, there is no way I would have been ready or even remotely thinking about getting pregnant again any time soon. Born at 22 weeks, she likely wouldn't even have been released from NICU until very close to her due date of July 26th, and I found out I was pregnant with Emily on July 4th.
I don't think anyone goes through this horribly scary experience of having a 22 weeker in the NICU and just when you bring them home think, now is a good time to get pregnant again. And if she hadn't been born until her due date, then I of course could not and would not have been pregnant with another baby three weeks before Kayla was due. I believe in the very science of it all. If we had had sex at any other time, even an hour earlier or before, it would have been a different sperm, it would not have been Emily. Where as I think Ryan believes that Emily's soul was destined to be born to us, so had we not gotten pregnant with her when we did, if Kayla had survived and we decided to have another baby in day two years, he believes that we would have then still gotten pregnant with Emily.
It's a nice thought, and I am spiritual and religious when it comes to many things. But that is not one of them. I believe that each sperm and each egg combines to make a different person each time. So, while I personally believe that Kayla and Emily could never be alive together, at the same time, it's still a nice thought to think of them together, and to yearn to have both of my girls together at once. Being here without Kayla sucks, but the idea of dying anytime soon and seeing her again, would mean leaving Emily. It's like a bad suspense movie where some unknown force says you can have either one of your daughters, but you cannot have them both at the same time.
So, that was our day. Happy Birthday Kayla. Mommy loves you so much!
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