Cute date

I had a date tonight...and my date was really really cute.  She was about 3 feet tall, blonde, and most of the night had some kind of food smeared on her face.

Ryan had a concert to go to today...like an all day concert.  He left around noon and likely won't be home till the wee hours of the night.  So I thought, well we're on our own for dinner, what should we do?  But then I decided, we should do something more than just our usual Friday eat-out dinner.  So I decided a mommy-daughter date was long over due.  We hang out a lot during the day, of course, since I am the one with her all day.  But we've never specifically made plans like these and went out.  So we did.

I was hoping for a better dinner than McDonalds, but, it's kid friendly, and I only had to spend a couple bucks for food she wasn't going to eat, rather than $7 or $8 for food she wasn't going to eat.  We hung out with some friends last weekend and their youngest is Em's age, and she apparently fills her time between meals by dreaming of the next meal.  I need to send Emily over there for a week so she can learn how to eat.

Some days I seriously don't know how she is still alive.  Like for dinner tonight, she had maybe 4 (tiny) bites of her cheeseburger, though I am pretty sure her bites were 75% bun....not even half of her fries (those tiny fries that look like they belong in a doll house) and her little jug of chocolate milk.  Thank God for milk, or some days she would get no calories at all.  Oh and she did eat her go-gurt...I can almost always count of yogurt of some kind to appeal to her picky palate. 

Then we went to the movies.  Though there was a minor meltdown at McDonald's because she wanted to go in the play area, and we didn't have time.  Granted when we get McDonald's, it's almost always drive thru, but you can see the huge play area through two story windows, surely she has seen them before.  But tonight of all nights, when we have some place else to go, some place fun at that, is when she wants to go in the play area.  Last February my Godson's birthday was at a McDonald's but she wanted nothing to do with the playscape....what a difference 6 months can make.

Thankfully she gets over her tantrums quickly, so off we went.  We saw Tangled....this theater near us is playing a different Disney movie each week and we lucked out that Tangled was playing.  She loves Tangled, she's even going as Rapunzle for Halloween, and aside from Beauty and the Beast (on a night we couldn't have gone anyway) it was the only one I really wanted to see.  This was only her second movie at a theater, her first was about this time last year to see Trolls.  She did alright, she was pretty antsy and talked too loud sometimes, but I guess that's what you get when you take a 3.5 year old attention span to sit through a movie she's seen dozens of times.  She'd likely watch it again tomorrow, but at home she can play and walk around and come in and out.  Had it been one we'd never seen before, it would have held her attention better.  She also had to go potty 3 times...well the third was on the way out, but still.  I am a camel and can hold it for hours, so getting up during the movie is not something I am used to or fond of. 

But we had fun, a nice little night out together.  I just put her to bed, I don't have to work tonight, and my husband won't be home for hours, so I have at least 3 blissful hours all to myself.

I've been obsessed with selling stuff on Facebook Marketplace lately.  It's great for getting rid of baby stuff we no longer need....I also sold some bigger stuff like furniture.  I think in total I've made almost $400.00.  Yeah there were a couple higher priced things, but a lot of that is puny $10.00 and $20.00 sales.  It's so nice to make some extra cash, and free up some space in the garage and basement.  But lately I've hit a dry spell....none of my stuff is selling.  Maybe the other stuff was more in demand, but I would think a My Breast Friend pillow would be in demand, and a cute little humidifier for a nursery, especially considering I priced them pretty low just to get them out of the house.

But I've got some baby feeding supplies for sale.  These have become the bane of my existence.  It's a collection of maybe 20-25 baby spoons, a couple snack bowls with no spill lids, one of those netting things to put fruit in so baby can suck on the juice, and a few spoons that screw on to the baby food pouches, so when you squeeze the pouch, the food just come out right onto the spoon.  Those were AMAZING when Emily first started eating solids.  I'd say altogether those things would cost about $35 new, and I am asking $15.  So far tonight makes the 8th person to blow me off over these damn spoons.  People message me and when I respond saying they're available, then they never say a word again....or they'll make a plan to come pick them up, and not show and not even tell me they're not coming.  I had forgotten about it tonight, but when my headlights hit the bag still sitting on the porch when I got home, I was like man, are you kidding me?  I really thought this lady was coming since she right away asked if she could come get them today at 5.

At least half, if not more of those 8 people have tried dickering on the price.  Really?  They're $15.  I get that some people don't have money for this stuff, but don't take something that is $15 and offer $8.  One lady last week, when she offered $8, I said the lowest I could go was $10...I mean yeah, I could take $8 just to be done with them, but it's the principle dammit.  And I feel like if something is not effected by use and age, then they should be worth a little more.  Baby spoons and bowls can so easily be sterilized or just washed in the dishwasher and be good as new.  Being used does not affect their ability to get food into a baby's mouth, so dickering on price just annoys me for stuff like this.  Plus, I'd already be going down $7 to take her offer, she couldn't come up a measly 2 to make a sale? 

And the no call no show shit really pisses me off.  I communicate via text or facebook messenger.  If you decide you don't want the item, or cannot make it when you said you would, fucking send me a message and let me know.  Jesus, a little common decency is not too much to ask.  A few months ago I sold a pack n play.  I asked a bit more for it because it was practically like new, Em only slept in it a few times when we were in our camper, and it had a lot of stuff like the changing table and the newborn napper, a mobile and a sound machine.  So this lady messaged me on like Tuesday and asked if she could pick it up Friday.  I was leary to hold it for her, but I did.  Even when I think two people messaged me and could have picked it up that day, I said it was pending until Friday.

I was going out of town, and was leaving the day before.  It likely wouldn't be hurt by rain, but still, I tried my best to protect it from rain so I dragged Em's inflatable pool over and stuck it under there, got a tote, and found a heavy rock to weigh it down so they could leave the money in there.  She was in good communication with me all up until then, and then she never came to get it.  I messaged her several times asking if she was coming, and I know she saw the message, but never responded.  I know it's a small thing, but I just think that is so damn rude. 

After that I got a couple of go-nowhere messages about it, and an offer to buy it for less, but luckily I did end up selling it for asking price a few weeks later, but it still burns me.  She's the reason I now put no holds on all my stuff.  So yeah, I don't get what the deal with these spoons are.  I sold a bed frame for $100...well actually I listed it for $118, but that was really just to have room to negotiate.  I would have been thrilled with $115 or $110, but I was still very happy with $100.  I sold a desk for $90...no negotiating at all, just showed up, paid and off it went.  But everyone wants to negotiate with these damn $15.00 spoons.  I just don't get it.

I actually went and bought something from FB the other day.  Since I've began my obsession, I've bought four things I think.  A fat chef serving tray (my kitchen is fat chef themed), a mickey and minnie Pandora charm...I hadn't gotten a charm yet from our Disney trip, so I snapped those up as soon as I saw them.  And again, being "used" did not affect the appearance of them, so I got them for 50% off just because I bought them from a person rather than a store.  Sweet!  I got a roller coaster for Em for the yard...that was another steal.  New they're about $100, most people wanted at least $60 for them, but this particular one was filthy, and I mean filthy....mud caked on them.  Even scrubbing them with soap and water didn't get it all off, but it still rolls down the track, dirt or no dirt. So I took my husband's truck to pick them up because I didn't even want the cargo area of my car getting dirty.  So I got that for $30 or $25 I think.  But my greatest find to date was DVD shelves from Ikea.  I forget the weird Swedish name, but they're really simple....no muss no fuss, they get screwed to the wall and hold about 25-30 DVD's.  I had two I bought from the store, and they were like $6 each, but they discontinued them and I needed more.  Since you can't get them anymore, people are selling them for $40 and sometimes $60!

So I kept search and keeping my eye out for several weeks...I even found some, but then discovered from the map that they were in London (I was like um, I don't think the Thames river is around here).  So finally I found some, 4 of them for like $20 total, but she ended up just giving me them all for $10.  That's even cheaper than when Ikea sold them, and they were just in the city next door!  So now I can finally use the storage bench to hold other stuff that was cluttering up my office since I have a nice organized place for all my DVD's. 

So anyway, Emmy LOVES our camper.  Loves it.  Poor thing practically gives herself a stroke when she talks about it, or we go camping, or even if she sees another camper.  On a whim I searched for Barbie Camper, and came up with quite a few.  I found one for $30 and I did a quick google to see what they go for in stores.  That one is discontinued now, but you can still get a few on Amazon for around $230 I think.  What?!  Um yeah, I'll take it for $30.  I instantly regretted it when I put the address in the GPS and it said it would take 40 mins to get there.  I considered telling her I'd changed my mind, but I am glad I got it now.  It's way cooler and bigger than I expected.

I've fallen prey to buying too many toys for my only child...she gets toys on non-birthday and holidays all the time and our house is over-run...toys every where.  I almost bought her the tower and a few figures from Tangled the other day, but seriously, I've gotta stop.  I don't want her to be spoiled, and really there is no reason for her to get toys (aside from maybe a small thing here and there) outside of her birthday and holidays.  She's got two grandma's that spoil her enough, I don't need to be doing it too.  So I decided the camper will be for Christmas.  Luckily she is still of the age that I can give her a used toy in a plain cardboard box and she won't question why it isn't in fancy packaging and have all the accessories annoyingly twist-tied to the inside of the box.  I can't wait to see her reaction when she gets it.

So, I've got to find a new anti-depressant.  I was on Wellbutrin years ago after my mom died, and I felt like it helped a lot.  I don't remember why or when I went off...maybe when we started trying to get pregnant.  After we lost Kayla my OB was more than happy to prescribe me something again to help me deal....I told her I did good on Wellbutrin, and she said it was fine, but her personal preference was Zoloft, so I said ok I'll try it.  I liked it as far as I can remember....but had to go off again when I was trying to get pregnant with Emily.  She put me back on it again after Em was born and I had been on it ever since, up until about two months ago.

I didn't see an issue with it, but my dad was also on it and he was complaining about being so tired and not being able to get off the couch.  I'll admit, I kind of thought he was exaggerating.  He is old school and wasn't happy about trying an anti-depressant, but he has struggled some since retiring, and then he had the accident with his fingers and the table saw, so his girlfriend insisted he try something.  I didn't think I had a problem with the Zoloft.  Yes, I did spend a lot of time on the couch, but before, all my time on Zoloft was when I was working full time outside the home.  If I wanted to keep my job, I had no choice but to get up every day and go to work. 

But once I became a stay at home mom, and then a work from home mom, I suddenly had a choice.  Yeah, I have a kid so I do have to be up and present, but she is so good most of the time, so if I spend the morning snoozing on and off in the recliner, I was right there for her to slap and say momma, I need you...or she'd happily sit on my lap while I caught some zzzs and either watch TV or play.  And some days I didn't sleep, but I'd still just sit in the recliner.  I had no motivation to get up and do anything, but then I would feel so guilty for wasting the whole morning and getting nothing done.

But, I blamed it on having a bad sleep schedule....not having to get up at a certain time for work means you can stay up late, and have a wonky schedule.  Even if I got 5-6 hours sleep, which is typically enough for me, it seems that getting that block of sleep from 4am till 9am still messed with me and made me groggy and blah.  But my dad kept telling me, it's the Zoloft, you should try going off.  I didn't believe him, but then one day I hadn't taken it for 4 days because we had been out of town and I just kept forgetting, so I thought, this is as good a time as any to go off....within a week I was amazed that I didn't spend as many mornings on the couch or in the recliner anymore.

Yes, there are still days when I am sleepy as hell and don't want to get going in the morning, but I can power through it, whereas on Zoloft, I couldn't.  It was the difference between being physically tired, and mentally tired.  The physical I could force myself to get up and get going, the mental, I could not.  Now I feel kind of bad for doubting my dad, because he was dealing with the exact same thing I was.  I just never knew before because when I worked full time, I HAD to power through, but when I didn't have to, I lacked the motivation to do it.

I've been trying to make it without going on something else, but it's not going so well.  I know medications are important, but right now I am on so many, I was hoping I could kick one of them and not suffer from it.  But it's obvious I need to go back on.  My issue isn't really depression though, or at least not the depression people think of when they hear the word.  I don't feel despair, I don't feel sad, or hopeless or down.  In fact, for the most part, I am a pretty fucking jolly person.  It takes almost nothing to make me happy, and I can find joy in the smallest things.  So aside from periods in my life where I dealt with grief and situational sadness (losing my mom, losing Kayla), I don't really experience what people think of when they think depression.  But, I have a short fuse.  Sometimes very short and my therapist says depression is rage turned inward.  So I am depressed, it's just turned outward into rage.

And again, for the most part, I am very laid back and easy going.  I like to think I am easy to be around and get along with.  I don't expect a ton from other people, I don't throw a hissy fit over stupid stuff.  And sometimes I have a really long fuse and go with the flow.  Sometimes I can sit in traffic and be like la di da, sure, you come on into my lane even though you knew yours was ending two miles ago, or that's ok that it took you 5 years to make your turn.  But more often than not, once I am annoyed, watch out. 

A guy I dated once marveled at the fact that I get such bad road rage....even as a passenger.  By about 7 pm, especially if I am trying to cook dinner, people need to just leave me alone, and I have no tolerance for Emmy's whining, especially when she and the dog start horsing around and are in my way, and Emmy inevitably gets hurt.  I just want to clunk their two heads together and make them go away and leave me alone for a while.  This apple did not fall far from my dad's tree at all.  I definitely got his temper.

He is also a very friendly, easy going guy....until he is annoyed or mad, and then, take cover.  So since going off the Zoloft, my already short fuse has gotten way shorter.  On Z, it's pretty manageable and only is an issue when things are really piling up.  But off of it, don't even look at me wrong or I might snap you in two.  My temper has earned me a few nicknames over the years....When Animaniacs used to be on, there was this short cartoon called Katie-Kaboom.  It was this sweet little girl, but if she didn't get what she wanted, she turned into this monster that could blow up her entire house.  So my one friend affectionately referred to me as Amy-Kaboom.  At another job, this guy used to call me Slappy because he said I always looked like I was about to slap somebody.  Sometimes it would get shortened to slap.  Funny story and a bit off-topic, but when I think of this I always smile.  Bill, the guy that gave me that nickname was about 12 years older than me and my best friend.  I think we were 19 and he was 31.  But we always hung out at work with him and sometimes outside of work.  He was this tattooed, shaved head, looking like he just got out of prison guy....not a guy you'd want to run into in a dark alley.  But I loved him, he was so fun. 

So one day I was standing at my register and Stevie Wonder's "I just called to say I love you" was playing on the store's speaker system when my phone rang, and I knew from the ring that it was an in-store call.  I looked down and it said furniture, which was directly in line with my register about 20 yards away and there is Bill, lounging in one of the office chairs for sale, on the phone.  I looked at him funny, wondering why he didn't just come talk to me, and he motioned for me to answer my phone.  So I picked it up and he says, "Slap, I just called to say how much I care". 

Man, those were the days.  It's nice making real money now and having a house and a family, but sometimes, back then, working retail with all my friends....it could just be a lot of fun and I miss those times.  He was a good one to rant to when I was pissed off.  He wouldn't even have to have been there to see the situation, but if you told him about it, he'd get all pissed off with you, it was great.  He was the kind of guy that would go kick someone's ass if you told them they did something even slightly bad to you...just say the word.  Not that I ever would, but he was a good guy to have on your side.  I miss him.

So anyway, yeah.  I need some drugs!!  I'm also soooo emotional since going off Z.  I don't cry all that much, like actual crying, but I get choked up over EVERYTHING.  Like tonight, before the movie there was that little commercial or whatever you call it with girls playing sports or dancing and what not, set to the song Hall of fame by The Script.  It's that Dream Big, Princess campaign.  That was choking me up big time.  And the end of Tangled when Rapunzle is finally reunited with her parents....I wasn't just choked up, I had tears in my eyes, and had I been at home and/or not had eye make up on, they would have been rolling down my face.

I mean, I've never been a stone wall.  I cry, maybe not as much as some, but I certainly cry my fair share.  But I don't remember being this emotional in the times I went off anti-depressants before, or before I went on them.  Maybe it's just the fact that I am a mom now, so things affect me differently.  I don't know, I know hormone changes are huge during and for a while after childbirth, but do you go through permanent hormonal changes after kids that just make you more emotional?

Or maybe it's just that I see things differently now.  Before the ending of Tangled maybe wouldn't have made me emotional, because, while I love my parents, I never had to experience being taken from them or whatever, and for much of my life they were annoying who didn't understand the struggles I went through because they were "old".  But now as a parent, your biggest fear ever is something happening to your kids, so I see that scene from the parents viewpoint and how they must have felt being reunited with their lost daughter after all those years.  And the dream big, princess gets me because it makes me think of who Emily will be, and picturing her discovering her talents and her love, and see her succeed and being proud of her.   

I don't know, but it's a pain in the ass.  I don't like crying in front of people, even in situations where crying is totally expected and the norm, like funerals.  I do my crying behind closed doors, so tearing up or choking up MULTIPLE times a day is not cool with me.  So, as much as I want to say I don't need it, I have to go back on something.  I tried doing some research...some sites list the best anti-depressants according to what major thing you're hoping to fix, or a side affect you're hoping to avoid, like which one to take to avoid weight gain, or which one helps with sleeplessness.  Hmmm, I couldn't find one though that says it will help you to not want to punch people in the face.

But, I did come to the conclusion though that I will try Welbutrin again.  I don't recall disliking anything about it when I was on it before, it said it's one of the best to be on to avoid weight gain and it's a stimulant...that's not the right word, but it's the closet I can think of since I cannot find the word I am looking for.  In other words, it says if your depression causes a lack of motivation and fatigue, Wellbutrin can be a good choice since it will "energize you", again, for lack of a better term.  I am not like that, but since the Z makes me blah and lazy, one that gives me more energy is likely a good choice.  And I am struggling enough to lose weight, I do not need anything to fight against that, so since Wellbutrin typically doesn't make you gain weight, it sounds like a win all around.  So I guess I had better go see my doctor soon so I can stop screaming at people and then crying 5 minutes later.

Speaking of weight, that's going pretty well.  As of today I have lost 18.5 pounds.  I know it is a good start, and it's 18.5 pounds closer to being healthier and looking and feeling better, but still, it's frustrating to not be able to really see or feel it.  Around 10 lbs lost, I felt a lot better and felt like I had more energy and my pants fit better, but now at almost twice that amount, I don't really feel it.  I guess maybe because I am used to it now, so I'll need a more dramatic loss before I can feel it again.

I get frustrated when I feel like I am doing so well, and really getting somewhere, and then I look in the mirror and think what the hell?  I'm still fat!  Like, I don't look any better, like not even 5% better than I did before the loss.  But, when you have way more than just 18.5 lbs to lose, I guess you're still going to look fat in the mirror, lol.  But I do know that it is a very good start, and I'm so close to the first milestone of having 20 lbs lost under my belt(no pun intended).  You can't lose 40 until you lose your first 20, and you can't lose 60 before losing 40....so it's slow, but pretty steady.  And it's a hell of a lot better than losing nothing, or gaining 18.5!!

I just hope I can work hard this coming week to lose 1.5 so I can hit that 20lb mark and take my next set of pictures.  I took pics at 10 lbs lost, so I am really eager to compare.  It's not really enough to see in the mirror, especially when the loss is a slow and gradual 1 pound a week, but when your compare pictures side by side with 10 lbs difference between them, I should be able to see something, and I think THAT will give a boost to my morale.  We leave for Hawaii in less than 30 days.  Back when we first decided to go, I had really hoped to be at my goal weight by then, but I am not even close. 

But, hopefully by then I will be at 25 lbs down, and ya know, it's something.  I just wish I could go with more color.  My forearms are a little tan, just from being outside here and there through out the summer, but that also means I have pretty pasty white upper arms thanks to my t-shirts.  If I can't be at my goal weight, I wish I could at least be tan...I feel so much more confident when I am tan and I swear it's an instant 10 lbs slimmer.  But, there is no way I am going to waste money in a skin cancer booth, and I have yet to find a decent self tanner.  Years ago before my best friend's wedding, she and I did a spray tan trial to see if it would look good for the big day.  It did not.

The first day it looked amazing.  I went swimming the next day and while I would normally feel self conscious in a swim suit, my confidence was through the roof with the tan.  But by day 3 or 4, it started flaking off, especially in the shower and then I looked like an alien with some weird skin disease.  If I could find one that would last the week or just about I would consider it, but I don't want a weird flaky tan just 4 days into our trip.  Oh well, such is life.