The silver lining is never a reason to want something bad to happen...but it makes that bad thing just a little bit more tolerable, and focuses on the good. There is nothing, nothing that can make me say, yeah, I suppose it was for the best that Kayla died, or figure that "it all worked out in the end".
Losing a child in utero is very different from losing a living child...or at least I can only imagine. The pain I went through losing Kayla was raw, and real, and horrible. I think back to when I was in the the very worst of it...laying there in OB triage, being told my baby would not survive....feeling my water break and knowing this was it, there was no longer any hope of keeping her in for a few more weeks or even days....sitting at home, marveling over everything that had just happened, but still not being able to wrap my head around the fact that I was no longer pregnant, my daughter was no longer safe and kicking inside me (despite the phantom kicks that really mess with your head), and we were never going to get to bring Kayla home, not then, and not in July. It was absolute hell. I cried every.single.day on my drive to and from work for months and months. I was desperate, I wracked my brain, trying to figure out some way, somehow I could quit my job so I could just stay home, curled up in a bawl and cry all day.
But, things are so much better today, and I credit most of it to Emily. The joy of finally getting your take home baby, the feeling of being whole, because you now have a baby to hold in your arms, not just in your heart....Emily saved me. She saved me from a lifetime of hurt and sadness. Emily was my shining light, in my very dark world. But in many ways, Kayla saved me just as much. I cannot speak for other parents because never having been a parent before I lost my baby, I don't know how the day to day life is without the horrible knowledge of how dark the other side is. But if I had to guess, I would say that most parents do not get to enjoy their kids as much as they would like to, as much as they should. Between working, and house work, and taking care of the kids, and worrying about money, and signing them up for soccer practice, and getting them to the dentist and doctor, and buying their fall/winter clothes, it's very hard to just sit and take it all in.
Whenever I read of something tragic happening, I read lots of parents commenting, wow, this makes me really appreciate my child and enjoy the little moments with them....and it definitely sounds as though they are so busy living life and taking care of their child, that they do not always get to do that. But knowing what I know, having gone through having to give a child back and say hello and goodbye in the same day, I feel like I have been given the gift of appreciation and gratitude. I am human and busy just like everyone else, and some days my daughter frustrates me beyond belief. So no, I don't sit and marvel at her all day every day, but I do just that, every day. I think I would be hard pressed to come up with more than a couple days in her entire 3.5 years so far on this earth that I haven't stopped at least once, if not more like 3 or 4 times to just watch her, and study her face, and smile as she is lost in play, completely oblivious of me watching her, and think to myself, man am I lucky. What did I do in my life to be so deserving of this amazing little girl? I don't know, but I am so thankful for her, and I cherish her...not all day everyday, but every day and I don't think that is something someone can do when they haven't been shown how fragile life is, and how quickly in a blink of an eye things you love more than anything can be taken from you.
The time flies by...she's already 3.5. Before I know it she will be 10, and then graduating high school, getting a real job, getting married and then marveling at babies of her own. I cannot slow down time, but I can appreciate that time and I don't think I could do that without having lost Kayla. It doesn't justify her loss, or make it ok, but it's a beautiful gift to receive, to see that there is still good in this life.
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