It is mid-January, so the crazy planner in me is starting to think about Emily's 4th birthday party two months from now. If I am being honest, I have been thinking about it since around October.
And of course, it gets me thinking about Kayla's birthday too. I'm also thinking of her today because our happy announcement about her anticipated arrival popped up in my memories on facebook today. Five years ago today, I was still pregnant with her, and so happy to announce. Though I did fear it, I had no real reason to doubt that she wouldn't arrive when she was supposed to, safe and sound. I had just entered 2nd tri, happy to breathe a sigh of relief that we had made it that far, thinking the worst was behind us. There are a lot of fun things about having kids, and finding out you're pregnant, but I still think getting to announce your exciting news is hands down one of the best parts about pregnancy.
I was dying to announce, counting down the days, and I got so excited and happy every time my phone pinged with a new like or comment about our news. I do not always enjoy a lot of attention, or being the center of it, but as a proud mama-to-be, I was reveling in it. I wanted to tell every single person I came across, whether they would care or not.
I remember one time I was shopping at Trader Joe's when Emily was a baby, and this young woman that worked there helped me with something, I think I asked if they carried something in particular. I cannot even remember how it came up, but she told me she was pregnant, and had just found out. It wasn't completely out of the blue, I think maybe she asked how old Emily was and that's when she told me. Some might think it was weird, I literally just asked where something was, and she shared this big, personal new with me, a complete stranger. But I got it...she was so happy, she had to tell someone, anyone. Plus since I am a mother myself, she probably thought I was a better person to tell her news to than say, a big burly motorcycle guy. I thought it was sweet though, I was happy for her, despite not knowing her at all.
So Kayla would have been 5 this March, the first big milestone birthday after the first, and she would have been starting the big K in the fall, Kindergarten. The year we lost her, we met with close family and friends at the cemetery, our friend Dan said a few words and then we all released balloons that everyone wrote messages on up to heaven. We did this on July 26th, her would-be due date. I needed to have something to do that day, and being with the ones I love most in this world was what I needed. Afterward we went back to our house and had a bbq. I still think of her on July 26th....I think of her every day, but that day will always be special to me, and I always have a bit of a heart flutter if something is going on where a date is mentioned and it's that date. But, since then, it's her birthday that we always celebrate, the day she came into this world, albeit sleeping, and we said hello for the first and last time.
Since that first year, we've celebrated her birthday quietly among the three of us....we usually go out for a nice lunch or dinner, and release balloons at her grave...sometimes we have a cake, or get cupcakes or stop for ice cream on the way home. Being her fifth this year, I'd like to do something with family again, but I don't know what...or when for that matter. Emily's birthday is the 19th, so we'll have her party on the Saturday before, but with Kayla's being the very next weekend, I don't really want to ask that our family put aside time again to come back over for a celebration for Kayla....and while I have always been adamant about teaching Emily about her sister, I don't ever want Em to feel like she is living in her shadow, or like we had her as a "consolation prize" or to replace Kayla. So I really am not comfortable with the idea of doing something for Kayla during Emily's birthday party. I always had to share my birthday party with my cousin who was 2 years younger than me since her birthday was 6 days after mine. I hated it, I wanted my own day, so my children will have their own days as well.
Doing something the following weekend doesn't really work out anyway since Kayla was born on my nephew's birthday, so my sister-in-law will likely be having his party that day, and March in Michigan does not always make for such nice weather to gather at the cemetery. So far to release the balloons on her birthday, we have had two years when it was so cold we basically ran out, said happy birthday and sent them off, and one year it was raining so hard, just opening the car door drenched everyone and everything inside. So then I thought maybe we can do something in April or May when it is nicer out....but who knows if it will be, thanks Michigan.
Ok so even if we do that then...what do we do? I'd like to think of something other than a balloon release. I thought about butterflies, but I've looked into it before, it doesn't seem like a great idea. With my luck, they would all be dead on arrival. "Oh happy birthday Kayla, here are some beautiful butterf.....oh crap, they're all dead". I've been wracking my brain, thinking of something we could all do together, but I've also thought well maybe it can just be something people can do on their own, like a random act of kindness in her honor, or donate to a charity of their choice in her name...and while those are very very nice things to do, is it going to make me feel the love and unity from my family if we're all off doing things on our own? Plus I don't like asking people to do things, especially when it comes to spending their money, like donating to a charity.
I feel like I am just a couple of firing neurons away from this really awesome idea, but so far, nada! I did have one thought, which is something I've always meant to do for her birthday anyway, and that is adopting a grave. The basic idea is to go to the cemetery and find a grave that is really old, or just looks like it hadn't had a visitor in a while, and clean it up. Trim the grass around the stone, wash off the stone, leave flowers, etc....But again, I am not sure how comfortable I feel about asking people to come work on some stranger's gravestone on their day off.
We planted a memorial garden for her last spring, and to our sadness, it did not survive. We had a lot of hot, dry days and I didn't get out there and water it enough, and once the weeds took over, it was a goner. I was very sad about it, especially because it was mostly just due to laziness. BUT, the dog did eventually find a way in over the small fence we had, so maybe it wouldn't have lasted long anyway. But we plan to replant this year, and get a much higher and better fence to go around...so the only thing I can really think of is to invite our family over to plant their own contribution to it. Whatever they choose, a flower, plant, or maybe a garden decoration like a stone or a spinner. And then we could have a bbq or something. I think out of all the basic ideas I've had, which is basically nothing, that this is the best one.
But, my husband, the former landscaper, might be irritated by that. I know he likes to design all of our landscape, and it may bug him to have random, non matching plants and flowers. I don't know, I'll run it by him.
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