Capture Your Grief-Healing

So per usual, October has snuck up on me, and I am three days into it and I had forgotten all about the Capture Your Grief project.  As much as I love Carly Marie and her words and her ideas for this project, this year, I am just not feeling it.  So rather than not do it because I cannot think of what to do for each day's topic, I decided to do something on my own this year.

I am going to copy her model by starting out the month (or the 3rd day of the month) with a sunrise, and end it with a sunset, because well, who doesn't love them and it's a beautiful way to book-end the month.  But I've decided each day (and it might not even be each day, I'll just write when I feel like it) I'll write about a different experience with Kayla, be it a happy memory, a bad day, a way in which I helped heal myself, etc.  I guess just wherever the day takes me.

So this morning's sunrise was taken somewhere between Ann Arbor Mi and Canton, Mi.  My husband actually took it, because as the father of our lost daughter, I think it is a nice way to include him in a project that he is likely to not be a part of otherwise.  Ok...so maaaaaybe I partly have him take the pic because he works midnights and is just getting off work at that time, and I am still snoozing.  BUT, it still makes for a nice way to include him.

So today I want to write about something that helped heal me...or at least maybe was a small start to healing, even though everyone knows the path to healing is a squiggly mess that turns and dips and backtracks a million times.  But, every little bit helps I guess.  It was about a week after our loss, and my husband and his friend were going to go work out at the gym.  I decided to come too...before we had gotten married I had gotten into really good shape and was eating well and working out a lot.  After our wedding, I gained a few pounds back, but the weight really starting coming back once we starting trying to conceive and had problems right from the start.

As the months went by with no baby, I got more and more determined to get the weight I had gained off, certain that it would bring my periods and ovulation back, but all that did was put on so much pressure to lose, that I experienced the opposite affect.  After about a year of TTC, and already having had one loss, I had officially gained back all of the weight I had lost, and those pounds even brought a few friends with them.  So needless to say, I was not at all at my ideal weight when I got pregnant with Kayla.  But I had GD, so I had to stick to a strict diet, and I managed to not gain a single pound in the 22 weeks with her.

So the only silver lining I could find, was now that I was no longer pregnant, and no longer diabetic, I could get back into working hard to lose the weight, so I jumped at the chance to go to the gym and start my healthy journey.  I was only about a week postpartum, so I decided I was going to take it easy for my first time back, and just walk on the treadmill.  My body was still healing, and despite not gaining anyway, I was totally out of shape, and exhausted.  As I walked, I felt like people could read it on my face, like I had a big sign above my head, telling the world of my recent heartbreak.  To my surprise, I kept upping the speed on the treadmill, and with each speed bump, the lump in my throat grew, my eyes filled with tears and a good song came on with a good beat, so I upped it some more to the point where I had to run to keep up.

Normally when I run on the treadmill (which isn't often, I am NOT a runner, even in my best shape, I just do not enjoy it and cannot go long before I am totally out of breathe) I do a very slow jog, perhaps even the speed that some very tall people may walk quickly at (have I mentioned I am short...like 5'2, these legs don't move very fast).  Basically I am not doing much more than just walking fast in a jogging position.  But that night, I wiped away the tears and I ran.  I ran as fast as I could, and it felt amazing! It felt like with each step, I was kicking my grief's ass.  I was so angry, I could feel it build and build, and the running just felt so good and counteracted it.  I'm not sure if I was running away from something, or to something, but for that few minutes I felt strong and empowered.

When my high ran out, I slowed to a walk, and then decided I was done for the night.  I was exhausted, mentally and physically.  My husband and his friend were over in the weight section.  We had rode with his friend, but we lived just a couple blocks away so I decided to leave then, and just walk home.  So I went to find my husband to tell him I was leaving.  He knew I had planned on taking it easy, and he had seen me running and asked why I decided to run.  I opened my mouth to answer but I got shakey and the tears sprang back into my eyes.  With a quivering voice I told him I was so angry and it felt good to run it off.  Without missing a beat, he told me "there's no crying!  There's no crying at the gym"!  And I laughed, and wiped my tears and I am pretty sure I blew snot out of my nose when I laughed.

So then I walked home alone in the dark, and I felt good.  I felt "wrung out" but good.  Who would have thought I quick run on the treadmill and a quiet walk home in the dark would be so healing, but it was one of the first times I felt like I had made some real progress confronting my grief since we had lost her.  I felt like I had control, and that is a very important emotion when everything around you is so very obviously out of control.

Cute date

I had a date tonight...and my date was really really cute.  She was about 3 feet tall, blonde, and most of the night had some kind of food smeared on her face.

Ryan had a concert to go to today...like an all day concert.  He left around noon and likely won't be home till the wee hours of the night.  So I thought, well we're on our own for dinner, what should we do?  But then I decided, we should do something more than just our usual Friday eat-out dinner.  So I decided a mommy-daughter date was long over due.  We hang out a lot during the day, of course, since I am the one with her all day.  But we've never specifically made plans like these and went out.  So we did.

I was hoping for a better dinner than McDonalds, but, it's kid friendly, and I only had to spend a couple bucks for food she wasn't going to eat, rather than $7 or $8 for food she wasn't going to eat.  We hung out with some friends last weekend and their youngest is Em's age, and she apparently fills her time between meals by dreaming of the next meal.  I need to send Emily over there for a week so she can learn how to eat.

Some days I seriously don't know how she is still alive.  Like for dinner tonight, she had maybe 4 (tiny) bites of her cheeseburger, though I am pretty sure her bites were 75% bun....not even half of her fries (those tiny fries that look like they belong in a doll house) and her little jug of chocolate milk.  Thank God for milk, or some days she would get no calories at all.  Oh and she did eat her go-gurt...I can almost always count of yogurt of some kind to appeal to her picky palate. 

Then we went to the movies.  Though there was a minor meltdown at McDonald's because she wanted to go in the play area, and we didn't have time.  Granted when we get McDonald's, it's almost always drive thru, but you can see the huge play area through two story windows, surely she has seen them before.  But tonight of all nights, when we have some place else to go, some place fun at that, is when she wants to go in the play area.  Last February my Godson's birthday was at a McDonald's but she wanted nothing to do with the playscape....what a difference 6 months can make.

Thankfully she gets over her tantrums quickly, so off we went.  We saw Tangled....this theater near us is playing a different Disney movie each week and we lucked out that Tangled was playing.  She loves Tangled, she's even going as Rapunzle for Halloween, and aside from Beauty and the Beast (on a night we couldn't have gone anyway) it was the only one I really wanted to see.  This was only her second movie at a theater, her first was about this time last year to see Trolls.  She did alright, she was pretty antsy and talked too loud sometimes, but I guess that's what you get when you take a 3.5 year old attention span to sit through a movie she's seen dozens of times.  She'd likely watch it again tomorrow, but at home she can play and walk around and come in and out.  Had it been one we'd never seen before, it would have held her attention better.  She also had to go potty 3 times...well the third was on the way out, but still.  I am a camel and can hold it for hours, so getting up during the movie is not something I am used to or fond of. 

But we had fun, a nice little night out together.  I just put her to bed, I don't have to work tonight, and my husband won't be home for hours, so I have at least 3 blissful hours all to myself.

I've been obsessed with selling stuff on Facebook Marketplace lately.  It's great for getting rid of baby stuff we no longer need....I also sold some bigger stuff like furniture.  I think in total I've made almost $400.00.  Yeah there were a couple higher priced things, but a lot of that is puny $10.00 and $20.00 sales.  It's so nice to make some extra cash, and free up some space in the garage and basement.  But lately I've hit a dry spell....none of my stuff is selling.  Maybe the other stuff was more in demand, but I would think a My Breast Friend pillow would be in demand, and a cute little humidifier for a nursery, especially considering I priced them pretty low just to get them out of the house.

But I've got some baby feeding supplies for sale.  These have become the bane of my existence.  It's a collection of maybe 20-25 baby spoons, a couple snack bowls with no spill lids, one of those netting things to put fruit in so baby can suck on the juice, and a few spoons that screw on to the baby food pouches, so when you squeeze the pouch, the food just come out right onto the spoon.  Those were AMAZING when Emily first started eating solids.  I'd say altogether those things would cost about $35 new, and I am asking $15.  So far tonight makes the 8th person to blow me off over these damn spoons.  People message me and when I respond saying they're available, then they never say a word again....or they'll make a plan to come pick them up, and not show and not even tell me they're not coming.  I had forgotten about it tonight, but when my headlights hit the bag still sitting on the porch when I got home, I was like man, are you kidding me?  I really thought this lady was coming since she right away asked if she could come get them today at 5.

At least half, if not more of those 8 people have tried dickering on the price.  Really?  They're $15.  I get that some people don't have money for this stuff, but don't take something that is $15 and offer $8.  One lady last week, when she offered $8, I said the lowest I could go was $10...I mean yeah, I could take $8 just to be done with them, but it's the principle dammit.  And I feel like if something is not effected by use and age, then they should be worth a little more.  Baby spoons and bowls can so easily be sterilized or just washed in the dishwasher and be good as new.  Being used does not affect their ability to get food into a baby's mouth, so dickering on price just annoys me for stuff like this.  Plus, I'd already be going down $7 to take her offer, she couldn't come up a measly 2 to make a sale? 

And the no call no show shit really pisses me off.  I communicate via text or facebook messenger.  If you decide you don't want the item, or cannot make it when you said you would, fucking send me a message and let me know.  Jesus, a little common decency is not too much to ask.  A few months ago I sold a pack n play.  I asked a bit more for it because it was practically like new, Em only slept in it a few times when we were in our camper, and it had a lot of stuff like the changing table and the newborn napper, a mobile and a sound machine.  So this lady messaged me on like Tuesday and asked if she could pick it up Friday.  I was leary to hold it for her, but I did.  Even when I think two people messaged me and could have picked it up that day, I said it was pending until Friday.

I was going out of town, and was leaving the day before.  It likely wouldn't be hurt by rain, but still, I tried my best to protect it from rain so I dragged Em's inflatable pool over and stuck it under there, got a tote, and found a heavy rock to weigh it down so they could leave the money in there.  She was in good communication with me all up until then, and then she never came to get it.  I messaged her several times asking if she was coming, and I know she saw the message, but never responded.  I know it's a small thing, but I just think that is so damn rude. 

After that I got a couple of go-nowhere messages about it, and an offer to buy it for less, but luckily I did end up selling it for asking price a few weeks later, but it still burns me.  She's the reason I now put no holds on all my stuff.  So yeah, I don't get what the deal with these spoons are.  I sold a bed frame for $100...well actually I listed it for $118, but that was really just to have room to negotiate.  I would have been thrilled with $115 or $110, but I was still very happy with $100.  I sold a desk for $90...no negotiating at all, just showed up, paid and off it went.  But everyone wants to negotiate with these damn $15.00 spoons.  I just don't get it.

I actually went and bought something from FB the other day.  Since I've began my obsession, I've bought four things I think.  A fat chef serving tray (my kitchen is fat chef themed), a mickey and minnie Pandora charm...I hadn't gotten a charm yet from our Disney trip, so I snapped those up as soon as I saw them.  And again, being "used" did not affect the appearance of them, so I got them for 50% off just because I bought them from a person rather than a store.  Sweet!  I got a roller coaster for Em for the yard...that was another steal.  New they're about $100, most people wanted at least $60 for them, but this particular one was filthy, and I mean filthy....mud caked on them.  Even scrubbing them with soap and water didn't get it all off, but it still rolls down the track, dirt or no dirt. So I took my husband's truck to pick them up because I didn't even want the cargo area of my car getting dirty.  So I got that for $30 or $25 I think.  But my greatest find to date was DVD shelves from Ikea.  I forget the weird Swedish name, but they're really simple....no muss no fuss, they get screwed to the wall and hold about 25-30 DVD's.  I had two I bought from the store, and they were like $6 each, but they discontinued them and I needed more.  Since you can't get them anymore, people are selling them for $40 and sometimes $60!

So I kept search and keeping my eye out for several weeks...I even found some, but then discovered from the map that they were in London (I was like um, I don't think the Thames river is around here).  So finally I found some, 4 of them for like $20 total, but she ended up just giving me them all for $10.  That's even cheaper than when Ikea sold them, and they were just in the city next door!  So now I can finally use the storage bench to hold other stuff that was cluttering up my office since I have a nice organized place for all my DVD's. 

So anyway, Emmy LOVES our camper.  Loves it.  Poor thing practically gives herself a stroke when she talks about it, or we go camping, or even if she sees another camper.  On a whim I searched for Barbie Camper, and came up with quite a few.  I found one for $30 and I did a quick google to see what they go for in stores.  That one is discontinued now, but you can still get a few on Amazon for around $230 I think.  What?!  Um yeah, I'll take it for $30.  I instantly regretted it when I put the address in the GPS and it said it would take 40 mins to get there.  I considered telling her I'd changed my mind, but I am glad I got it now.  It's way cooler and bigger than I expected.

I've fallen prey to buying too many toys for my only child...she gets toys on non-birthday and holidays all the time and our house is over-run...toys every where.  I almost bought her the tower and a few figures from Tangled the other day, but seriously, I've gotta stop.  I don't want her to be spoiled, and really there is no reason for her to get toys (aside from maybe a small thing here and there) outside of her birthday and holidays.  She's got two grandma's that spoil her enough, I don't need to be doing it too.  So I decided the camper will be for Christmas.  Luckily she is still of the age that I can give her a used toy in a plain cardboard box and she won't question why it isn't in fancy packaging and have all the accessories annoyingly twist-tied to the inside of the box.  I can't wait to see her reaction when she gets it.

So, I've got to find a new anti-depressant.  I was on Wellbutrin years ago after my mom died, and I felt like it helped a lot.  I don't remember why or when I went off...maybe when we started trying to get pregnant.  After we lost Kayla my OB was more than happy to prescribe me something again to help me deal....I told her I did good on Wellbutrin, and she said it was fine, but her personal preference was Zoloft, so I said ok I'll try it.  I liked it as far as I can remember....but had to go off again when I was trying to get pregnant with Emily.  She put me back on it again after Em was born and I had been on it ever since, up until about two months ago.

I didn't see an issue with it, but my dad was also on it and he was complaining about being so tired and not being able to get off the couch.  I'll admit, I kind of thought he was exaggerating.  He is old school and wasn't happy about trying an anti-depressant, but he has struggled some since retiring, and then he had the accident with his fingers and the table saw, so his girlfriend insisted he try something.  I didn't think I had a problem with the Zoloft.  Yes, I did spend a lot of time on the couch, but before, all my time on Zoloft was when I was working full time outside the home.  If I wanted to keep my job, I had no choice but to get up every day and go to work. 

But once I became a stay at home mom, and then a work from home mom, I suddenly had a choice.  Yeah, I have a kid so I do have to be up and present, but she is so good most of the time, so if I spend the morning snoozing on and off in the recliner, I was right there for her to slap and say momma, I need you...or she'd happily sit on my lap while I caught some zzzs and either watch TV or play.  And some days I didn't sleep, but I'd still just sit in the recliner.  I had no motivation to get up and do anything, but then I would feel so guilty for wasting the whole morning and getting nothing done.

But, I blamed it on having a bad sleep schedule....not having to get up at a certain time for work means you can stay up late, and have a wonky schedule.  Even if I got 5-6 hours sleep, which is typically enough for me, it seems that getting that block of sleep from 4am till 9am still messed with me and made me groggy and blah.  But my dad kept telling me, it's the Zoloft, you should try going off.  I didn't believe him, but then one day I hadn't taken it for 4 days because we had been out of town and I just kept forgetting, so I thought, this is as good a time as any to go off....within a week I was amazed that I didn't spend as many mornings on the couch or in the recliner anymore.

Yes, there are still days when I am sleepy as hell and don't want to get going in the morning, but I can power through it, whereas on Zoloft, I couldn't.  It was the difference between being physically tired, and mentally tired.  The physical I could force myself to get up and get going, the mental, I could not.  Now I feel kind of bad for doubting my dad, because he was dealing with the exact same thing I was.  I just never knew before because when I worked full time, I HAD to power through, but when I didn't have to, I lacked the motivation to do it.

I've been trying to make it without going on something else, but it's not going so well.  I know medications are important, but right now I am on so many, I was hoping I could kick one of them and not suffer from it.  But it's obvious I need to go back on.  My issue isn't really depression though, or at least not the depression people think of when they hear the word.  I don't feel despair, I don't feel sad, or hopeless or down.  In fact, for the most part, I am a pretty fucking jolly person.  It takes almost nothing to make me happy, and I can find joy in the smallest things.  So aside from periods in my life where I dealt with grief and situational sadness (losing my mom, losing Kayla), I don't really experience what people think of when they think depression.  But, I have a short fuse.  Sometimes very short and my therapist says depression is rage turned inward.  So I am depressed, it's just turned outward into rage.

And again, for the most part, I am very laid back and easy going.  I like to think I am easy to be around and get along with.  I don't expect a ton from other people, I don't throw a hissy fit over stupid stuff.  And sometimes I have a really long fuse and go with the flow.  Sometimes I can sit in traffic and be like la di da, sure, you come on into my lane even though you knew yours was ending two miles ago, or that's ok that it took you 5 years to make your turn.  But more often than not, once I am annoyed, watch out. 

A guy I dated once marveled at the fact that I get such bad road rage....even as a passenger.  By about 7 pm, especially if I am trying to cook dinner, people need to just leave me alone, and I have no tolerance for Emmy's whining, especially when she and the dog start horsing around and are in my way, and Emmy inevitably gets hurt.  I just want to clunk their two heads together and make them go away and leave me alone for a while.  This apple did not fall far from my dad's tree at all.  I definitely got his temper.

He is also a very friendly, easy going guy....until he is annoyed or mad, and then, take cover.  So since going off the Zoloft, my already short fuse has gotten way shorter.  On Z, it's pretty manageable and only is an issue when things are really piling up.  But off of it, don't even look at me wrong or I might snap you in two.  My temper has earned me a few nicknames over the years....When Animaniacs used to be on, there was this short cartoon called Katie-Kaboom.  It was this sweet little girl, but if she didn't get what she wanted, she turned into this monster that could blow up her entire house.  So my one friend affectionately referred to me as Amy-Kaboom.  At another job, this guy used to call me Slappy because he said I always looked like I was about to slap somebody.  Sometimes it would get shortened to slap.  Funny story and a bit off-topic, but when I think of this I always smile.  Bill, the guy that gave me that nickname was about 12 years older than me and my best friend.  I think we were 19 and he was 31.  But we always hung out at work with him and sometimes outside of work.  He was this tattooed, shaved head, looking like he just got out of prison guy....not a guy you'd want to run into in a dark alley.  But I loved him, he was so fun. 

So one day I was standing at my register and Stevie Wonder's "I just called to say I love you" was playing on the store's speaker system when my phone rang, and I knew from the ring that it was an in-store call.  I looked down and it said furniture, which was directly in line with my register about 20 yards away and there is Bill, lounging in one of the office chairs for sale, on the phone.  I looked at him funny, wondering why he didn't just come talk to me, and he motioned for me to answer my phone.  So I picked it up and he says, "Slap, I just called to say how much I care". 

Man, those were the days.  It's nice making real money now and having a house and a family, but sometimes, back then, working retail with all my friends....it could just be a lot of fun and I miss those times.  He was a good one to rant to when I was pissed off.  He wouldn't even have to have been there to see the situation, but if you told him about it, he'd get all pissed off with you, it was great.  He was the kind of guy that would go kick someone's ass if you told them they did something even slightly bad to you...just say the word.  Not that I ever would, but he was a good guy to have on your side.  I miss him.

So anyway, yeah.  I need some drugs!!  I'm also soooo emotional since going off Z.  I don't cry all that much, like actual crying, but I get choked up over EVERYTHING.  Like tonight, before the movie there was that little commercial or whatever you call it with girls playing sports or dancing and what not, set to the song Hall of fame by The Script.  It's that Dream Big, Princess campaign.  That was choking me up big time.  And the end of Tangled when Rapunzle is finally reunited with her parents....I wasn't just choked up, I had tears in my eyes, and had I been at home and/or not had eye make up on, they would have been rolling down my face.

I mean, I've never been a stone wall.  I cry, maybe not as much as some, but I certainly cry my fair share.  But I don't remember being this emotional in the times I went off anti-depressants before, or before I went on them.  Maybe it's just the fact that I am a mom now, so things affect me differently.  I don't know, I know hormone changes are huge during and for a while after childbirth, but do you go through permanent hormonal changes after kids that just make you more emotional?

Or maybe it's just that I see things differently now.  Before the ending of Tangled maybe wouldn't have made me emotional, because, while I love my parents, I never had to experience being taken from them or whatever, and for much of my life they were annoying who didn't understand the struggles I went through because they were "old".  But now as a parent, your biggest fear ever is something happening to your kids, so I see that scene from the parents viewpoint and how they must have felt being reunited with their lost daughter after all those years.  And the dream big, princess gets me because it makes me think of who Emily will be, and picturing her discovering her talents and her love, and see her succeed and being proud of her.   

I don't know, but it's a pain in the ass.  I don't like crying in front of people, even in situations where crying is totally expected and the norm, like funerals.  I do my crying behind closed doors, so tearing up or choking up MULTIPLE times a day is not cool with me.  So, as much as I want to say I don't need it, I have to go back on something.  I tried doing some research...some sites list the best anti-depressants according to what major thing you're hoping to fix, or a side affect you're hoping to avoid, like which one to take to avoid weight gain, or which one helps with sleeplessness.  Hmmm, I couldn't find one though that says it will help you to not want to punch people in the face.

But, I did come to the conclusion though that I will try Welbutrin again.  I don't recall disliking anything about it when I was on it before, it said it's one of the best to be on to avoid weight gain and it's a stimulant...that's not the right word, but it's the closet I can think of since I cannot find the word I am looking for.  In other words, it says if your depression causes a lack of motivation and fatigue, Wellbutrin can be a good choice since it will "energize you", again, for lack of a better term.  I am not like that, but since the Z makes me blah and lazy, one that gives me more energy is likely a good choice.  And I am struggling enough to lose weight, I do not need anything to fight against that, so since Wellbutrin typically doesn't make you gain weight, it sounds like a win all around.  So I guess I had better go see my doctor soon so I can stop screaming at people and then crying 5 minutes later.

Speaking of weight, that's going pretty well.  As of today I have lost 18.5 pounds.  I know it is a good start, and it's 18.5 pounds closer to being healthier and looking and feeling better, but still, it's frustrating to not be able to really see or feel it.  Around 10 lbs lost, I felt a lot better and felt like I had more energy and my pants fit better, but now at almost twice that amount, I don't really feel it.  I guess maybe because I am used to it now, so I'll need a more dramatic loss before I can feel it again.

I get frustrated when I feel like I am doing so well, and really getting somewhere, and then I look in the mirror and think what the hell?  I'm still fat!  Like, I don't look any better, like not even 5% better than I did before the loss.  But, when you have way more than just 18.5 lbs to lose, I guess you're still going to look fat in the mirror, lol.  But I do know that it is a very good start, and I'm so close to the first milestone of having 20 lbs lost under my belt(no pun intended).  You can't lose 40 until you lose your first 20, and you can't lose 60 before losing 40....so it's slow, but pretty steady.  And it's a hell of a lot better than losing nothing, or gaining 18.5!!

I just hope I can work hard this coming week to lose 1.5 so I can hit that 20lb mark and take my next set of pictures.  I took pics at 10 lbs lost, so I am really eager to compare.  It's not really enough to see in the mirror, especially when the loss is a slow and gradual 1 pound a week, but when your compare pictures side by side with 10 lbs difference between them, I should be able to see something, and I think THAT will give a boost to my morale.  We leave for Hawaii in less than 30 days.  Back when we first decided to go, I had really hoped to be at my goal weight by then, but I am not even close. 

But, hopefully by then I will be at 25 lbs down, and ya know, it's something.  I just wish I could go with more color.  My forearms are a little tan, just from being outside here and there through out the summer, but that also means I have pretty pasty white upper arms thanks to my t-shirts.  If I can't be at my goal weight, I wish I could at least be tan...I feel so much more confident when I am tan and I swear it's an instant 10 lbs slimmer.  But, there is no way I am going to waste money in a skin cancer booth, and I have yet to find a decent self tanner.  Years ago before my best friend's wedding, she and I did a spray tan trial to see if it would look good for the big day.  It did not.

The first day it looked amazing.  I went swimming the next day and while I would normally feel self conscious in a swim suit, my confidence was through the roof with the tan.  But by day 3 or 4, it started flaking off, especially in the shower and then I looked like an alien with some weird skin disease.  If I could find one that would last the week or just about I would consider it, but I don't want a weird flaky tan just 4 days into our trip.  Oh well, such is life.

Showing natural beauty or being attention whores?

I just wasted 15 minutes of my life reading comments (ok, and commenting) about the pictures on this site

http://social.diply.com/great-images-of-women-breastfeeding-their-babies?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=batdad

Now, I am all for breastfeeding IF YOU CAN DO IT.  Emily wouldn't latch, and maybe I gave up too quickly, but after being tired, and stressed out, and in pain, and freaked out about her having dropped an entire pound from birth to her first ped appointment, there was no way I could power through and essentially give her no food until she would latch and start nursing.

But, I did still want to give her some nourishment of my breast milk, so she got formula but I also supplemented with the little pumped milk I was able to provide.  But still, that was my personal preference and I give no judgement toward a mother who chooses to exclusively formula feed if she cannot nurse or pump (hell, I don't judge even if she can do those things, but simply chooses not to).  I adhere to, fed is best....any which way or how.

So, I will say that I of course see nothing wrong with nursing, I agree that it is not a sexual thing, and I see nothing wrong with nursing in public.  I don't even think women should have to use a cover if they don't want to or the baby doesn't like it, provided that they don't flop their boob out, let it hang there for a few minutes and then put the baby on, all the while walking around Target with their shirt totally pulled down for all to see even with the baby "covering them".  Yes, feed your baby.  No, don't freak out about covering every inch of yourself for modesty sake, but completely exposing yourself for attention is not necessary.

Neither are these pictures, and I find if ridiculous that people do them and defend them.  Wait, let me clarify.  The pictures are fine, I guess, if that's your cup of tea, but plastering them online for all to see is for no reason but attention.  If it really were about the promotion and beauty of nursing, then there would also be photo shoots of women pumping, or treating their dry, sore cracked nipples with lanolin.  Hell, I've got a couple gross pictures of my c-section that my husband for whatever reason decided was a Kodak moment, let's start posting those!  If it's for the natural beauty of it all, then C-section pics should be the next big thing right?  After all, c-section mommas get a lot of shit for "taking the easy way out", and not "really" giving birth, so let's start a trend of posting beautiful and natural pics of the baby being pulled out of womens' guts after being sliced open.  What is more natural than being born?  Yes, not all women give birth, some of their children are born from their heart through adoption or step-families, but ALL children are birthed from A woman...somehow I bet people wouldn't be as eager to do these "natural" pics.

Or maybe instead of pictures, they could make glass walls of ORs so people could actually view babies being born, how beautiful and cool would that be?  Instead of standing at the glass and cooing at newborns in the nursery, let's bring their arrival out from behind closed doors.  After all it's natural and should not be hidden.

That's about as dumb as I feel these nursing pics are.  Though I actually think #4 is beautiful.  That's the kind of nursing pic I could be on bored with.  It looks more realistic but also artful and beautiful, the woman is not stark naked as she does not need to be, and I highly doubt any women actually nurse their babies stark naked anyway (as in pic #9, oh sorry, she's wearing a sweater, my bad), unless maybe they are just "naked people" that would be waking around their house naked anyway.

#3 scares me...and not in a "that's a creepy nursing pic", but more of a "are her children vampires and are they attacking her"kind of way.   I think it's the older boob kid and the much older kid going for her jugular, I mean to kiss her on the cheek, that gives it that look.

So of course the comment section was filled with people like me that are like, yeah nursing is fine, taking pics of nursing is fine, but making them sexual (#9 I'm talking to you) and putting them online is the issue.....and then there are the people claiming WE are the ones making it sexual (again, no need to be naked and do your hair and make up and pose in front of a window if NOT trying to make it more than it is) and it's art and it's beautiful and not for attention (yes, because the very first thing I do when I do NOT want attention, is take off my clothes, do my hair and make up, have a photo shoot and then post the pics online).

But, clearly this post was meant to invoke controversy and debate since they used pic #9 as the "cover pic" for the article, which is arguably the most attention whorish and sexual one, rather than #4 because they know most people won't read the article before they start arguing (as I did not at first) and #9 is much more of a shit stirrer.

Anyway, to each their own, but I...and I think many others would just prefer people are honest.  For example, Playboy.  I don't give a flying fuck about Playboy.  They make no excuses or apologies about posing naked.  It's either for the money, the fame, or the attention.  Good for them.  I even bought my husband a subscription of Playboy once.  I don't care to look at it, but I have no problem with people that do, or the women that pose in it.  I likely wouldn't bat an eyelash at that "nursing"pic if the caption read "I am totally full of myself and I need attention so I stripped down to my birthday suit so I could take a pic and show it off, and used my kid to cover up my need for attention".  Or, "I wanted to show off and I also want an attaboy for feeding my child, like millions of women have been since the beginning of time".  At least then I could say ok, good for you.  I wish I had a body that I would want to photograph like that.  But to claim it's to show the natural beauty of breastfeeding, give me a break.

Future Team USA member

Emily started gymnastics today and I think she liked it a lot.  I am amazed at the progress she has made since starting daycare at the gym and doing ballet.  On the first day of ballet it took a little bit of coaxing for her to go out on the floor without me, she barely moved the entire class, and that was all with us getting to stay in the room that first day.

But today we got ready and she was like la di da, just got ready and went with it.  I'll admit, I was a little nervous for today's class.  My husband couldn't come today, he had to take our camper to get it fixed, so I had to take her alone.  I am an odd contradiction of fiercely independent....and I need someone to come with me the first time...like to anything.  It took me weeks to be brave enough to go use the drive-thru pharmacy by myself for the first time.  But once I've done something, I am fine from then on...and even if I have to do something the first time by myself, I don't like it, but I do it and then all is well.  I was just a bit anxious this morning, not knowing what to expect.

Unlike her ballet class, gymnastics is ongoing, so when you want to start, you just sign up and start on the first of the month (usually, they were closed last week for the holiday).  So rather than all of the kids starting this class together, Emily could have very well been the only new kid, and these other kids could have been going there for months now, and all knew each other.  I was also a bit nervous about the mom situation.  Was I coming into an already established mom-clique?

Please, I watch too much TV apparently.  This is freaking Michigan suburbia, not LA.  The moms were fine, none of them looked like a Stepford Wife, none of them looked polish or like they had to cancel their mani/pedi to bring their kid to gymnastics.  In fact no one even talked to each other....the class was just three other girls, so of course, just three other moms and we just sat there and watched our kids.

When her teacher first came out and called her class, she took me by the hand and said come come, wanting me to come in with her.  But there, they don't even do the first class with the parents.  Her class, the itty bitty monkeys (how damn cute is that?) is without parents, but the class below, the tiny monkeys, is like a mommy and me class where the parents participate too.  But those are mostly 1 and 2 year olds, for us to have done that, we would have had to start a year or two ago.  But as soon as I told her I'd be watching from that room, she happily took off with her teacher and other classmates.  They started with some stretching and I saw her immediately do her "butterfly" which she learned in ballet where you sit with your feet touching and then "flap" your legs up and down.  I saw her sitting there chatting away with her teacher.  It was soooo cute!.

It's such a worry off my shoulders to see that she isn't as shy as I was as a kid.  I was painfully shy.  I had terrible anxiety over things, to which I usually suffered in silence because I didn't want anyone to know how much anxiety I had.  I obviously still have it today as I said, but it's much better.  Fake it till you feel it is my motto.  When I was her age, I would have had stomach aches before starting a new class like that, I would have been so worried and nervous.  I can remember dreading swim lessons every day in the summer.  This was my thought process....what if my class is in a different spot from yesterday (you went out onto the pool deck and located your teacher and class sitting on towels), what if I couldn't find them, what if I had to wander around the pool deck looking for them, what if the other kids were all better than me, what if they made me go underwater, what if they made me dive in the water, what if I couldn't find my mom after class, what if she left and doesn't come back to get me.....yeah, it sucked.  Having that much anxiety is not fun and once it became apparent that Emily is pretty shy, I was very worried about her having my anxiety.

While she is shy, she is so much faster to warm up than I was, and I don't think the shyness hits her until the moment, so I don't think it dawns on her to be anxious or nervous to things as we're headed there.  If she was nervous this morning, I totally couldn't tell.  I worried about her shyness and being an only child, but I am starting to wonder if it helps her, and if having an older brother, an older brother who is 4 years older no less, actually hurt me in terms of being shy and so nervous.  I can't think of much of anything that I went to as a kid that he didn't go to as well, so I likely hit behind him, and used him as my crutch.  Since Emily is, for all intents and purposes, an only child, she doesn't have anyone to hide behind and she is forced to do things.  Regardless of why, I am so glad it appears as though she doesn't suffer from shyness as badly as I did.

She did really well, she tried almost everything the teacher asked her to try, and only refused or stopped on a couple things when it was getting too scary.  It was obvious one of the little girls has had gymnastics before as she was doing very well with everything, but the other two are either totally new, or relatively new.  So Emily definitely was the most timid out of all of them to try certain things, I wouldn't say the other two girls are that much ahead of her experience wise.  I took a video of almost every skill they did today.  I am excited to do another video in about a month and see how well she does.

At the end they played in this pit with giant foam blocks, and they could also swing on a rope swing and then fall into the pit.  She wouldn't do it though, and was already in the pit.  I am not sure if she declined because she was afraid of the swing, or because she was just having too much fun in the foam pit.  I think the latter because when they came out of class, she started crying, saying she wanted to go down the slide that led to the foam pit.  But they have open gym for just $5 everyday for an hour after her class, so some days we'll stay and do that and she can just play on anything she wants and practice what she learned during class.

I'm so happy that she likes it so far, and she seemed to like her teacher and I caught her several times chatting up the other kids in class.  I am so proud of my baby.  Oh, and her teacher's name is Miss Kayla <3

Prima ballerina

I've been so busy lately with work and Emily and trying to keep this house in something resembling order, I haven't written in forever.  I've been trying to work more during the day so that I can have actual time off, what a concept, after Emily goes to bed and I have been completely OBSESSED with Bates Motel, so most nights I am binge watching that until bed.  And um, I might be on my second time through.

So anyway, I've been wanting to write about Emily starting ballet, but now I have to write about it, along with a rant about what happened tonight.  But first, from the beginning.  She loves it.  I am so glad she does.  She can be so shy so it just makes my heart burst when I see her excited for stuff and branching out and making friends.  The first day was a little hard.  There are about 5 or 6 other girls.  Two or three of them were very into it, mimicking the moves being taught and even seemed to love the "spotlight".  One poor little girl wouldn't let go of daddy's hand to go out onto the dance floor.  They came again last week and the same thing, and I noticed they weren't there this week, so maybe they gave up.  But, the class is all 3 year olds, but she could be just newly 3.  There is a huge range of abilities and social skills for newly 3 and then almost 4 year olds.

Then there was Emily, and one other girl that got out on the floor, they tried, but they just didn't want to do anything.  So she wasn't the best, but not the worst either.  Em's feet were glued to the floor the whole time, haha.  Or, I should say, it's not that she didn't want to do it, but Emily is very cautious.  She likes to observe, and take things in and when she is ready, she'll do them.  So that first class, she moved her little bottom maybe an inch when they were learning plies.  The lobby of the studio has a bunch of things for sale like ballet clothes, bags, and stuffed animals.  It was like Em's dream world, they have a ton of those big eyed Ty cats. So after class we bought her one.  Note to self, do NOT promise your kid that they get one after every class.  Hangs head in shame, what were we thinking?

She already had 4 or 5 of those cats at home, so once we got home she had all her cats lined up and she was telling them to "march march march" just like her teacher was telling them.  Oh my fucking gosh, how cute is that?  I used to do the same thing.  I would cry and beg and plead to not go to swim lessons as a kid, but the minute I got home, Barbie was taught all of the things I had learned in class that day.  And she looks so stinkin' cute in her little leotard, tights, ballet shoes and her hair up in a bun.

That first night, her Nana and Papa brought her to class since she spends Wednesdays with them, and Ryan and I met them there.  We all watched her class and then we all went to dinner.  Since then, my MIL has been picking her up on Wednesday mornings (instead of me dropping her off at her house) and then I pick her up from their house and take her to ballet, since often times my niece and nephew and SIL are still there swimming.  It works out well because with her getting picked up late morning, it gives me time to get right to work and actually be productive while she is gone for the day.  I always intend to get so much done on Wednesdays, but I end up sitting around the house in the morning, maybe getting out of the house in time to drop her off over there around 1, and then try as I might, I often spend at least an hour, or two...or three sitting around talking with my MIL.  By then I am starving, grab some lunch on the way home and I have about 30-60 minutes to work before I have to get dinner started.

Being home with a toddler all day makes me starved for adult interaction.  The same thing happens at my dad's, I swear I will only stay 30 minutes and then head home,but that almost never happens.  So last week Em was much more relaxed and put more effort into copying the moves and moving around and being active in class.  I wasn't surprised she kind of blossomed on the second week.  My girl doesn't rush herself, she takes her time and does things at her own speed.  Case in point, not walking 'till 18 months, ahhhhhh!  I do believe that set the tone for how she is going to handle things for her entire life.  That and the fact that she had to be forcibly removed from the womb!  She was like nope, not ready yet!

So tonight, just like last week she was all excited for class and saying how much she likes her teacher and how she can't wait to dance.  This just makes me so happy.  I worry about her being an only child, and not being in school yet to make many friends.  Although, she has gotten to be good friends with Anabella, my stepmom's great niece.  She tries to get the two of them together to play every couple weeks.  When they were smaller they just played in the same room, but not with each other.  But now that they're a little older, they actually play together and for the most part get along....apparently Anabella kept taking her stuff last time they were together.  Everything Emily would pick up, she would take from her, so after a while Emily got tired of it and pushed her.

I don't want to condone physical violence, but hey, sometimes you've just gotta pop someone to get the point across.  I had to hide my smile when she told me she pushed her, because Grammy had already told me what happened and that she kind of had it coming.  I DO NOT want Emily to be a bully, but I also don't want her to let people walk on her or for her to be a pushover.  My stepmom sent me a really cute pic of the two girls together a couple months ago.  How cute would that be to display that picture at their grad parties in 15 years if they are still besties?

So anyway, in the 14 or so months that Emily has been potty trained, she has never ever had an accident out in public.  Well, today was the day apparently.  I stupidly forgot to make her go potty before class, and about halfway through I was watching through the window, and I noticed Emily wasn't moving from the spot she was in to the join the other kids.  I thought uh oh, is that a puddle on the floor?  But her teacher walked by several times and seemed to be looking right at Em but she wasn't acting as though she was looking at pee on the floor.  It's kind of hard to watch class through the mini blinds on the window, and with my contacts in, I felt like I kept going cross eyed, so maybe what looked like a puddle was just a shiny spot on the floor.

So then the teacher corralled all the kids on the other side of the room, and they appeared to be going into the next exercise, so I thought ok, I guess she didn't pee.  But then a minute later she got the kids and walked them out of the room, and down the hall to the front desk....but Emily was still in the studio all by herself and the door was shut.  I was confused.  I thought maybe she was taking the kids out of the room, and then was going to go back in and clean up and talk to Em...but another minute passed and it became clear that she didn't realize Emily wasn't with them.  At home, Em gets upset when she has an accident, and now she is left behind in the studio all by herself, and she isn't the type of kid that will say hey, and come running out of the room (except at home, haha).  So I went in the room to get her, and took her to the bathroom to clean her up a bit.  I don't happen to carry an extra leotard and tights on me, so the best I could do is blot her with paper towel.  She kept saying, my teacher is waiting, I gotta go back to class....it wasn't super obvious that her leotard was wet, and it was just pee thankfully, not poop so I took her back out for the last few minutes of class.  As we came back my husband motioned to me that class had moved to the studio down the hall.

I wasn't sure of the policy...like I know some daycares and such don't do diaper changes or potty runs, and I would assume at those places any messes are your responsibility.  But here, I wasn't sure how that worked.  So Ryan went to go ask if we should clean that up.  Apparently the lady at the front desk told him she was headed there with a mop right then, and he was like I can do it so she handed it over.  Ok, I know I know, when you offer, you should be prepared to be taken up on that offer...and I think he totally was.  But in my opinion, if it's not the studio's policy that parents need to clean up potty accidents, I really don't think she should have let him do it.  It may be kind of gross for someone else to clean up, but usually stuff like this is kind of embarrassing, so as a worker, as long as the parents are polite, I would insist on doing it.  But, he did offer, so I can't really complain.  Just glad I didn't have to do it.

Ordinarily I am really not embarrassed over stuff like this.  Shit, or in this case, pee happens.  She's 3, surely she isn't the first and won't be the last kid to pee during class.  Had her teacher quickly lead Emily to the door and got my attention and told me what happened, she could have just gone on with class, or moved them like she did, and we would have slipped out to go clean up.  But the way class was completely disrupted and had to parade down the hall and then into another studio, it was a bit embarrassing that it was because of MY kid who just pissed in the middle of the ballet studio floor.

So while we were there, I was mostly just embarrassed and trying to get Em cleaned up and back to class because she wanted to go back so badly.  But on the way home, that all gave way and I was pissed.  Surely that is not the proper way to handle an accident in class, and when working with toddlers, potty accidents, and other issues are bound to come up.  Furthermore, I was pretty appalled that when in charge of only 6 kids, that her teacher made the mistake of not noticing she was left behind.  Now, I'm not trying to make this out to be this huge thing.  No, Emily was not scarred by being left in the room, BUT, she is in charge of those kids for that 30 minutes, and leaving a kid behind and going to another room is just not acceptable.

What if I hadn't been watching at the window?  I wouldn't leave the area, but the window isn't that big, and some kids do better when they know their parents aren't watching.  It is perfectly acceptable to go sit at a table, or in one of the chairs....and the doors to that studio are not visible from the lounge.  So if I had been sitting down, I would have had no idea that any of this was going on, no one came to tell me my daughter had an accident, and she would have been left in that room alone for how long while class was going on in another room?  I was going to call tomorrow and speak to someone, but they don't open till 4 or 5 and by then I'll likely be working.  I didn't want to just let this go because I get busy and forget to call.  I do think it's a nice studio, and I like her teacher otherwise, but if I say nothing, no one else will be aware that this happened and know to talk to her about what to do when kids have accidents.

So I sent a PM over facebook.  I tried not to be all bitchy and be THAT mom.  More than likely it was an honest mistake, and I know in a lot of cases, you don't know how to avoid or deal with a problem, until that problem comes up.  Maybe her teacher is new to working with the 3 years olds.  So I wrote what I thought was a nice, but firm concerned email, just wanting to address the issue and make sure that doesn't happen in the future.

To my surprise, I got a reply like 5 minutes later, and the woman (owner I assume) was very apologetic and assured me that she would talk to her teacher and make sure she understands what she should do in this scenario and she stressed that she wants to make sure we are happy and that they can serve us better.  I was surprised....customer service isn't always top notch, so when you get really good customer service, it's a very nice surprise.  She explained that the teacher is used to working with young kids, but likely just hadn't experienced an accident in class yet.  That makes sense, she definitely did seem a bit rattled and didn't know what to do and now going forward they'll go over it with her and have a plan.  This mama bear is happy.

I didn't want to crucify them for this one incident because so far I like everything about the studio and Emily enjoys it so much, but this just solidified it for me that it's a really great place.  I would like to have her dance in the fall since she likes it so much, but she is only 3.  I'd like for her to try different things and discover what she likes best.  If she LOVES dance and ends up wanting to do it or something else exclusively and really excels, I won't discourage her.  But I also do not have any grand visions of her going on to Juilliard.  I think sports and activities should be fun, and I will push her to give it her all, but at the end of the day, I just want her to have fun and make friends and see what she can do and enjoy it.

So I am thinking maybe gymnastics or tumbling...or maybe that's the same thing, in the fall.  Swimming this winter....when it's yucky and cold outside, I think she would enjoy taking lessons and still getting to swim even in the winter.  Then next summer she can try tennis.  I'm sooooo excited for that.  My baby is becoming such a big girl!

Coming out of her shell

We've had so much fun lately.  Last week we took the Amtrak train to Ann Arbor and then spent the afternoon at the Children's Hand-on Museum.  We could have easily driven, but the train station is close by and once there it was only half a mile walk to the museum, and Emily LOVES trains, so it was a fun way to spend the day.  She was a little scared when it pulled into the station, but I think she adored being on a real train.  And it was a nice, albeit expensive way to avoid traffic and finding parking.

The museum was SO much fun.  I hadn't been since I was a kid and I barely remember it.  I knew she'd have a good time, but I really had no idea how much fun she would have, and Ryan and I had a great time too.  We only made it through the first floor and the toddler room on the mezzanine.  They offer a fantastic deal for a year membership, AND it covers grandparents so they can take her without us as many times as they want.  Since we still have three more floors to see, we got the membership.  I'm excited to go back.

By the time we got back to the train station to go home, we were all whipped.  Especially Ryan because he works nights, and we left a couple hours after he got home that morning so he didn't sleep all day.  We got there about an hour early and then I got a text saying the train was delayed an hour, so we had an almost two hour wait.  Then there was some confusion about there being another train coming in before ours, so long story short, we waited all that time, and then we almost missed our train because I thought it was the other one.  Thankfully we were sitting outside and heard them yell, last call for train 352.  Whew, I would have cried if after all that we missed our train.

The next day Emily and I met my friend and her two boys at the park so they could play, and we could chat.  I'm so proud of her.  We beat them there by a few minutes, so once I got her sunscreened-up, I told her she could go play, so she ran off and made a bee line for these three girls that were playing on the swings.  Once the boys got there they all played, but then we decided to head over to another playscape across the park, so as we were leaving one of the girls yelled out, bye Emily!  Oh momma is so proud, she made friends and they were sad to see her go.

When she was really little she beat other kids up, and then she went through a really shy stage, so I am thrilled to see her getting along with other kids and not being glued to my leg.  She can still be shy, but I wasVERY shy when I was young.  I don't want her to go through that.  Life will be so much easier for her if she's not so super super shy.  I am sure I would never have run over to 3 girls I didn't know to play when I was her age.  Then my friend's oldest was playing with a girl about his age (7) and the two of them were running and climbing all over the playscape, and Emily was running after them yelling wait up guys, hey guys, wait for me!  She did really well climbing up the "rock" pile, and I've noticed she's just much more open to playing on most everything now.  Before she used to shy away from certain parts of the playscapes, not wanting to go down most slides and kept wanting me to play with her and even climb up in the structure.  I don't think she even realized I was there half the time that day.

A couple days later we were playing in the front yard and the neighbor kids were out.  She gets along really good with Daphne next door, who is also 7.  It's nice because she takes Emily under her wing and kind of watches out for her and takes her by the hand to go play with certain things.  It's too bad they all go to private school, it would be nice if she had an older friend that she knows once she starts school.  But with the way schools are now, she likely wouldn't see her much anyway.  When I went to school it was K-6 at one school, 7 and 8 at another and then 9-12.  But in our city anyway, it's K-4, 5-6, 7-8, and 9-12.  So when she starts Kindergarten, even if Daphne went to that school, it would only be for the one year and then she would move on to the 5-6 building, and then they would never be at the same school together ever again.

Then the little boy across the street came over and he and Emily kicked these big foam dice around the yard for a while.  He's 5, so I think he is starting K this year, so he'll be in 2nd grade when she starts K.  So at least she'll have one friendly face in the school....that is if he goes to public school, I don't know.  I worry about this kid.  We notice he crosses the street a lot without looking, and he also rides his power wheels out into the street, crosses to come over to our side, and he'll go down one driveway and drive in the street and then go up another one.  Our street is residential, so 25mph, but most don't go that slow, and we live right near a curve.  Someone comes around that curve too fast while he happens to be crossing or in the road....I'm afraid to think of what could happen.

His parents are almost never outside with him.  I try really hard not to judge because parenting is so hard, and I don't want to be a helicopter parent, but I really don't think 5 is old enough to be playing out in the front yard by yourself, especially when you're a kid who doesn't do well with looking for cars before crossing the road.  I really do think Emily could be trusted to know better, but never say never, and I still wouldn't let her be in the front yard at 5 by herself for more than a couple minutes.  I am sure (I hope) they keep an eye on him from inside the house, but if the worst were to happen there is no way they could react and get outside in enough time to help him.  And I am sure they are not watching him much of the time or he wouldn't be crossing the road like he does.

So while they were playing, Emily ran in the backyard to get something, so he followed her to help her get it.  We've never formally met his parents, and she and him were in the backyard for a good 3-5 minutes.  Had they looked out their window right then, their son would have been nowhere to be found.  There is no way in hell Emily would get the opportunity to dissapear into someone's back yard of a family I have never even met.  They just had a baby girl a few months ago.  I'm starting to get rid of Emily's baby gear and clothes she has grown out of.  Maybe one of these days I'll go over there, introduce myself and see if she could use any of the clothes or gear.  I still don't know how to say to another mom "hey you're not watching your kid and he's going to get hit by a car one of these days", but if I at least formally meet her and maybe get to know her, maybe I can somehow bring it up.  Or at least feel better about him coming over and being in our yard and them not knowing.

So he was riding his little F150 power wheels the other day.  He's cruising down the street with his music on, his shades on....so cute, a little ladies man already.  The older girls next door would hitch a ride in the back now and then, and Emily said she wanted to ride.  I would have let her if he stayed on the sidewalk, but I wasn't about to let her ride with him when he goes out into the street.  I never thought I would be telling my daughter no to going for rides with boys because they are irresponsible drivers already.  She's only 3 for crying out loud, haha.

Speaking of power wheels, my dad got her one for his house last summer, used.  He got it out the other day but despite charging it, the battery is dead.  So yesterday she points at him and says you fix my car, ok?  I can't drive it!  Hahaha, she cracks me up.

Today we went and signed her up for summer dance class.  It's only a 5 week program, but it will be a good intro to dance, and if she likes it, we'll consider a 6 month program this fall.  I cannot wait to see my little ballerina in her leotard and ballet shoes!  We also need to get her signed up for swim lessons, and then next summer she will finally be old enough for the tennis program I do in the summer.  I say finally, but I've been looking forward to this since I found out they start little kids at 4....we weren't even married yet then, so it must have been at least 7 or 8 years ago.  To think all that time has passed, and she is almost the age that she can enroll, that's crazy!  I won't go all crazy sports mom, but I will confess, I will be a little crushed if she doesn't like tennis.  It's one of my favorite things in the world, and it would be so awesome if she genuinly enjoys is too.

We had dinner at the mall tonight, and before that we let her play for a bit in the indoor play area there.  The last time we were there was January I think....yeah because it was MLK day and I forgot kids would be off school and it was busy.  But that time, she wanted us to follow her around the whole time, if any kid tried to use anything she was playing on she would back off and let them do it.  I don't want her to be a bully but I also don't want her to get walked on.  But today she took off playing, I watched as another little girl came up to her and asked what her name is and she said I'm Emmy, and the other one said do you want to play with me and she said yeah!  Those two and another girl all took turns chasing each other around and playing.  Ugh, my heart was bursting.  My little girl is coming out of her shell!

Some of it could just be age, but I really think the daycare at the gym can take a lot of the credit.  We don't go as often as I'd like to, but most weeks we go at least once.  Being around other kids, and other adults that aren't us or the grandparents is so good for her I think.  She's really blossoming.  So happy we decided to join that gym.  Some people seem to think it's odd that we're only doing one year of pre-school for her.  Maybe if kindergarten were still half days, we would consider it.  But with K being all day now, I don't really see the need for two years of Pre-k.  Like I said, she's getting social interaction with other kids at the gym daycare, with dance coming up, the kids in the neighborhood, when she starts swim class, kids at the playground, my friends' kids, her cousins (who she'll see weekly once they're out of school) and tennis next summer.

Maybe if she were struggling with certain things like counting or ABC's or whatever, but I would say she is on track, if not a little ahead for her age.  I know kids like school in the early years, but pre-school starts the lifelong commitment of things she has to do.  First school, then a job, then school and a job, then college, then a career.....why not let her stay home one extra year before she starts all the has to's in life?  Besides, she won't be my baby forever, I'd like the extra year with her too.  

So we ditched the diapers at nap time about a month ago.  She has done really well, I think she's only had one or two days where she had an accident.  Some days remain "inconclusive" if she doesn't take a nap, but I think she's doing well.  I made her a chart and she gets a star sticker after every nap that she wakes up dry.  She still wears pull ups to bed but she gets a sticker for waking up with a dry diaper.  That has been less successful, so I think we may pull the diapers all together soon.  Like I suspected with the nap diapers, if she's got one on, she will be much more likely to go in it than if she didn't have it on.  And in case of accidents, as I suspect there will be many at first, that's why we have a washing machine, and why I make the bed with two layers of sheets and waterproof liners.

Her Nana was going to buy her one anyway since she's bought all of her granddaughter's one, but I told her when we can be done with diapers for good, she'll get to go pick out an American Girl doll.  I showed her the website and her face lit up.  I clicked on one that looked similar to her and she says, I want that one!  I said ok, well we're going to go to the store and you can look at them all and pick which one you like.  She said that one, I want that one!  I said well they have a lot to choose from, they have babies too, and when I brought a baby up she squealed and said that one, I want that one!  The girl knows what she wants.  A store just opened by us not long ago, but it's nothing like the Chicago one.  Maybe when she is a little older we'll take a girls' trip there and she and her doll can have tea and get her hair done and pick out new clothes.  Gosh I just love having a little girl.  I'd have loved a boy as well, or if Emmy had been more of a tomboy, but the little girl in me squeals with delight that she's so girly and we have so much fun together.  

A womb with a view

I couldn't sleep one night so I was browsing facebook trending news and I came across this story about artificial wombs. Reasearchers at Children's Hospital of Philidelphia have created an artificial womb in hopes of giving preemies and micro-preemies a second shot at life if they were born too early to survive outside of mom.  Right now they are testing it on fetal lambs and it has allowed them to sustain life long enough for them to grow and develop more for the outside world.  It's basically a fluid filled bag that brings them oxygen and replicates the safe and nurturing environement of the mother's womb.

I was amazed when I read this.  I clearly remember thinking when Kayla was born, that I wish there existed some kind of bubble they could have put her in that would keep her safe and allow her to continue to grow, when my body could no longer do that for her, and here it is!  This is exactly what I had wished for then.  I'm not sure how long the baby could stay in there, I think I read that right now it's not meant to sustain life until term, but even giving the baby an extra couple weeks to develop their lungs could make huge strides in fetal demise.

The article said they are currently examining the lambs bodies (they had to be put down afterward for further testing) to make sure there isn't any kind of adverse affects on their brains and organs and they hope to begin using artificial wombs on pre-term human babies in as little as 3-5 years.  I am just blown away by this.  When I had that thought, it was in the back of my head that this could be reality some day, way way in the future, like 50-100 years from now, but to think this could come to fruition in just under five years is awesome.  It would be 7-9 years too late for our girl, but if this could save even one family from going through the heartbreak that we did, then I am so happy for this extraordinary advance in medicine.  Had this existed when I went into labor, they could have done a c-section since Kayla was breech and then zip her up in this giant ziplock and let her bake for at least a few more weeks.  Imagine being able to see your baby inside the womb, outside of you.

Of course for moms who sadly find out that their sweet babies have already passed in utero, this won't help them.  But the CDC estimates that one out of ten babies will be born prematurely.  Of course not all of that statistic are micro-preemies....many of those could be babies born at 36 weeks who are perfectly fine, or even 30-35 weeks who are relatively ok and just need some time in an isolet in NICU (not that that is any less stressful for mom and dad I'm sure).  But still, 10% of babies being born premature still means that's a lot of babies born during a time period in which this artificial womb could mean the difference between life and death.  I would have given anything for Kayla to have just at least had a chance.  For her to have a chance and the liklihood of her having any long term affects like vision or hearing problems, breathing problems, cerebral palsy, and developemental delays decreased because of the artificial womb allowing her to bake a little longer would have been absolutely amazing.

I'm sad that this couldn't benefit us, but I'm so happy and grateful that these amazing doctors and researchers could come up with something like this to save other babies.  I have no idea if incompetent cervix is hereditary or why I had it, but knowing that the artificial womb could be in use for 12 years or more by the time Emily is grown and starts her own family is a comforting thought.  My step-sister has cerebral palsy, she was born early too...my step-mom can't remember exactly how many weeks she was, but she didn't weigh much more than Kayla did, I think maybe a few more ounces (Kayla was 1 lb 1.6 ounces) so she must have been born somewhere around 22-24 weeks.  Of course that was 45 years ago, so it's actually a miracle she even survived.  But I see how she and my step-mom suffer from CP.  Imagine families in the future not having to go through that, their children not having to live that life because of this.

Reading the comment section on the article was hard though....but I did it anyway, because I am glutton for punishment.  Half the people didn't read the article and thought they were developing this so that rich people could grow their babies right from the start in an artificial womb.  Even the ones that did understand that it's for preemies to have a chance at life, many people were of the opinion that "maybe mother nature gets it right and these babies shouldn't be saved".  Ugh, I wish there was some spell you could cast on people who don't know what they are talking about so they would be physically unable to speak on the subject.

I did not go into pre-term labor because there was something wrong with Kayla, I went into labor because there was something wrong with my body.  Off the top of my head, all of the reasons why women go into pre-term labor is because their body, or something affecting their body brings on labor, such as incompetent cervix in my case, a bacterial infection, hypertension, placenta abruption, etc.  I suppose if the baby died in the womb because he had some condition like heart problems, trisomy 13 or 18, missing organs, etc. the body could go into labor, sensing that the baby has passed.  But, in that case the baby would have already passed away when labor began and could not be saved.  But I don't know how often the body does that.  I know a lot of women who had to have D&C's or D&E's after their baby passed because the body did not go into labor on its own.

So more than likely, any baby born early enough to need an artificial womb is one that could and would continue to grow and develop in his mother's womb if allowed, so the mother nature argument is ridiculous.  That's like saying the passengers aboard Titanic should not have been rescued by life boats or another ship because their ship was no longer able to keep them afloat.  But, ignorant people who have no knowledge of the subject are usually the ones that are the most opinionated about it.  If their baby was in danger of being born too early, I am sure their opinion would change.  However, what I don't get is, I am certain many of the people with these heartless opinions do have children of their own.  Why can't they think back to when they were pregnant, and think about what if they had gone into labor early and the doctor told them their baby wouldn't survive?  Would they have said oh ok, that must be the way it has to be, mother nature must know what she is doing so I am fine with my baby dying.  Ah, to be blissfully ignorant.  Must be nice.

Anyway, here is the article for anyone that hasn't read it:

http://www.philly.com/philly/health/CHOP-artificial-womb-preemies-placenta-premature-baby.html