Princess Bride

Thirty-seven years ago my mom woke me up bright and early....well, it wasn't bright, it was so early it was still dark out.  I want to say it was around 4am, but I could be mistaken.  I was only a little over 2 after all.  She woke me up so we could watch Princess Di marry Prince Charles together.  The whole "event watching" must have taken a couple of hours, but in my hazy memory, I can only remember about 30 seconds or less of it.  I can remember being up with my mom and knowing it was uber early, I can remember my dad coming home from work and laughing at us, shaking his head and calling us goofballs or something for waking up so early to watch strangers get married, and I remember Di arriving in her horse-drawn carriage, and I think it was that moment that I became enamored by the idea of princesses and beautiful wedding gowns.

I remember thinking how beautiful she was, and I was glued to the TV, amazed at her train that seemed to be miles long.  In fact, that was one of my requirements for my own wedding dress 28 years later, it had to have a decent length train.  It paled in comparison to Di's, but it made me feel like a princess nonetheless.  I'm actually quite surprised I remember even that much.  All these years I had always assumed I was 4 or 5, but a couple years ago I looked up the date and couldn't believe when I saw that their wedding date was July 29, 1981 and I had just turned 2, three months earlier at the beginning of May.  My dad swears up and down that I must be mistaken, there is no way I could remember something that far back.  He is certain I watched it when I was older, on vhs or something, but my mom wouldn't have been so cruel to have woken me up before dawn to watch a tape.  Besides, I am sure it was many years later that we got a VCR, and even later that we even owned an actual store-bought tape.  All of our movies and shows were taped off from tv.

So this past Saturday, I woke up at 5:45am...this was after going to bed at 1:30am.  I woke up thinking, why in the hell am I doing this?  Oh right, because I've been waiting years and years to have a little girl to watch a royal wedding with.  I begrudgingly had to go to work on the morning of William and Kate's wedding because I didn't have any sick days at the time, but I did get to see her "long walk" and her arrival to Westminster Abbey  We had not yet begun trying to get pregnant (we would just a few weeks from then) but I was still so sad I didn't have kids yet, especially a little girl to make this special memory with and I was so hoping Prince Harry would find someone in the years to come, and hopefully it would coincide with me having a daughter and her being old enough to at least remember as much as I did.  And here we are! 

So I stretched the sleepies away and went in to wake Emmy up.  I was happy she woke up in pretty good spirits.  She's a morning person, but it has to be on her terms.  I quite often wake up to her singing over the monitor, but if I have to wake her up, she's generally not too happy.  The night before we had ran around town, trying to find the props I wanted for this day.  We got some plastic champagne flutes at the dollar store, but to my dismay they did not have anything resembling sparkling grape juice or tiaras, so we were off to Target.  I was bummed since I was trying to do it on the cheap since most of the stuff would be thrown away after, but I found a couple tiaras in the birthday party section, and the sparkling grape juice was much cheaper than I expected.

So we turned on the TV just in time to see Meghan's car begin the "long walk", we had our tiaras on and we were sipping our "champagne".  Emily was playing much of the time and wasn't super interested, but she did seem intrigued when I told her about when I was a little girl, and I watched the groom's mom and dad get married with my mom.  And she did come snuggle in my lap and we watched as the new duchess arrived at the chapel and debuted her dress.  It was a nice moment with my little girl, and one I hope she remembers long after she is an adult.  Maybe one day her and her daughter can wake up early and watch George, Charlotte, or Louis get married.  Or maybe one of the newlywed's kids, that is if they plan to have any.  I would guess they're expected to, even though Harry's kids would be so far down the line.  But hey you never know, what if William abdicated and for one reason or another none of his children took the throne either.  Stranger things have happaned. 

So Emily is in swim lessons right now which I am sure I have mentioned.  This week is actually her last for the summer...I figure with camping trips and stuff we'll be too busy to make it, and she swims in her Nana's pool every week, why pay for lessons when we can just reinforce what they have been teaching her all summer, and then pick them back up in the fall.  Plus I want to sign her up for tennis, and possibly soccer.  She loves to run around the yard and kick the ball around.  Each week, they call us in for class, I walk her to her lane and her teacher, she sits on the side of the pool on her little turtle kickboard and I tell her ok have fun, love you.  I wave goodbye, and if I catch her eye again as I am walking out of the pool area, I wave again and she smiles and waves.

Now, I've been a full fledged adult for a long time now.  I've owned a home for almost 9 years, I've had a good job for 13, I've been married for 7.5 and I've been a mom for 5.  But there are still days when I just don't feel like an adult, and I have to pinch myself and it's still kind of surreal to think about the fact that wow, I'm an adult...I'm a wife and a mother.  How did that happen?  Well ok, I know how it happaned.  But I've noticed it most with swim lessons.  I am not sure why, because I did do other activities as a kid, but maybe the swim lessons sticks out because I had to take them for a couple summers, and I dreaded them.  To this day I am not super comfortable in water, and while I can swim, I am not a strong swimmer and I would prefer not to have to.  So perhaps because of that, my swim lessons stick in my memory from when I was a kid, and I was always nervous before every class.  A lot of reason was I was anxious about what we would be doing.  Would they make me try diving?  Going down to the bottom?  What if I got water up my nose.  I hated getting water up my nose.  But also because I was very shy, I didn't like having to go in without my mom, and I was always anxious that I wouldn't be able to find my class.

So it just always strikes me as I am walking out of the pool area, waving to my daughter, and giving her a reassuring smile that she will be fine and I'll be just outside watching, that it doesn't seem like all that long ago that I was being dropped off for swim lessons, but now I am the mom dropping my kid off for them.  It's just trippy. 

So Em has been going through a phase again.  It's not quite as awful as the one back in December, but that only lasted two weeks and this one has gone on longer.  She's been very whiney and complains a lot, but she is also not listening, like really not listening, and she's been back talking a lot.  She'll ask if we can do something and I'll say no, and she'll adamantly say yes!  The other day she was eating an apple, and per usual, only ate about a quarter of it.  I told her to go get a ziplock to put the rest of it in.  She says um, no.  You can.  I said Emily, go and get a ziplock.  She says, no thank you.  I like how she is at least polite while being a defiant brat.  I let it go, which kills me, but had I insisted, she likely would have thrown a fit and I would have had to send her to time out, and then she'd be crying and whining in time out.  Yes, I choose my battles, and this time I chose peace. 

I just feel like lately, more and more, my baby girl is slipping away and this little angry, hot tempered, sassy, back talking bigger girl has taken her place.  Like, when did this happen?  She's only four!  Is four really the dividing line between sweet baby and bratty big girl?  I know so much of what she does is all age appropriate, she is becoming more and more indepdendent by the day so she wants to push boundaries, make decisions for herself and gets mad when she is not able to.  I know she is not doing anything every other four year old on the planet has never done.  But sometimes it is so hard not to want to treat her like the much bigger girl she is trying to be, and realize she is still very little.  Like, she still loves to climb up in my lap, which I love.  But she'll do it with no regard for me...she'll lean over and dig her elbow into me as she gets comfortable, or she'll step on my thighs and plop herself down on my lap, not caring if she hurts me at all.  It's so frsutrating, I tell her over and over to be more careful and more aware of what she is doing, but she'll just do it again in a few minutes. 

That's when I get legitimately angry, and feel like she is doing it on purpose just to piss me off, even though in her little mind, she likely cannot make that connection,  I yell, and then I feel terrible for yelling.  But then ten minutes later she is off doing something else that she "knows she isn't supposed to do" but likely cannot retain that information, or does but is testing me, and then I'm yelling again.  But then, no matter how tough of a day I have had, the moment she is in bed, I miss her like crazy and I want to go crawl into bed with her and snuggle her and tell her what a good girl she is and how much I love her.  It's enough to make you insane.

She and I went out on a mommy-daughter date the other night.  My husband went to a concert, so I thought she and I would go out too.  I had planned on dinner and then ice cream, but she was begging for ice cream first.  I was about to argue back when I realized it may rain, so we should probably do ice cream first just in case.  The girl doesn't eat anything anyway, so it's not like the ice cream would spoil her dinner.  So we went to this place called the Dairy-go-round.  The building is shaped like a carousel and there are small carousel-like horses all around.  She was in her glory, she loves horses.  So I got her a cup of chocolate ice cream with m & m's and I got vanilla with reeese pieces.  She insisted on eating her ice cream while sitting on the horse.  After a while, she asked to try mine so I gave her a bite, and after a bit she says, let's switch.  So we switched cups, and not long later she says I'm done, I'll take mine back now.  Haha, wow.  Such a scammer.

So before we left, she had to try out all the other horses, especially since they were all different colors.  The only one she didn't get to try was the purple one, but it was occupied and she didn't look like she was going anywhere for a while.  Her Nana doesn't live too far from there, and the first time I had taken Em there a couple years ago was with her, so I told her I bet Nana would take her if she asked, and it would probably be a time of day when not many people were there and she could ride the purple one.  Before we left she had to say bye to the pink one, and she acted like she was taking her saddle and bridle off before putting her in her stable for the night.  So then we went for Chinese.  My husband isn't big on chinese so I figured it was a good night to go, and we had actually gone just a couple weeks back, and Emmy seemed to like it.  She didn't really eat of course, except she loves those little crunchy strips they bring you, but she liked the place so she was pretty well behaved and didn't ask to leave every second. 

I loved my dinner and it was so much food I got another snack plus two lunches out of it.  After dinner, we ran around getting stuff for the royal wedding.  It may have been a bad idea to go out that night, as we didn't get home and get her to bed until after 10:30 and then she had to get up early the next day.  But we had a fun night out together.  Saturday morning after the wedding she and I made donughts.  She had fun decorating them and even more fun eating them.  I took a short nap after that, and then the three of us went to the library, they brought in a small petting farm for a couple hours.  There were bunnies, an alpaca, some lambs, a calf, a small pony, some baby goats and a big goat.  I was shocked that she actually fed the goat, and she rode the pony....it was just a short ride in a smallish circle but she enjoyed it.  She's gotten so much more shy and timid over the last year or two.  She rode ponies twice at this park last summer, but this time as we stood in line she'd go back and forth between I don't want to ride it, and yes I do want to ride it, and back to no I don't want to ride it.  I said well we didn't wait in line all this time, just to get out of line and then have you scream and cry because you do in fact want to ride the pony.

So she wanted me to pick her up to put her on, and I did walk somewhat beside the pony as she went, but otherwise, she did really well.  I was surprised.  Then she wanted to go inside and play for a little bit.  I always forget how amazing our library is.  They have a really nice kids area with lots of toys.  So she played for a bit while I picked out some books to check out.  We need to go there more often, she has so much fun playing with the different toys (which do not make a mess in my living room) and I've actually really looked forward to bedtime stories tonight and last night since we had new books to read.  I get so tired of reading the same books over and over and over.  And it's not due to a lack of books, she's got tons of books, we've just read them all, plus some...and then some more.  I love my paycheck now, but somedays I really miss just working 10 hours a week.  Ten hours was a cake walk, it was literally just two hours a day and on occasion when I got busy with some time and worked more, I got to have an extra entire day off. 

I really miss having more time to spend with Em....we used to go out in the middle of the day, for walks, or to the mall or library, we'd go out to lunch.  But now I feel like I work so much and I'm just running here and there and busy all the time.  But on Tuesdays and Thursdays I typically do not start working until she goes down for quiet time at 3pm, so we really should start going places more on those days, even if it's just the library or the park.  I will say, she has been trying lately, but she is very low maintenance.  A trip to the park, some play time in the back yard, a walk around the neighborhood or an hour playing with slime and you'd think you just gave her the world....she's pretty easy to please.

Except when it comes to food.  But I just ordered these fun little things that might help make meal times easier.  I got some fun cookie cutters for stuff like fruit and veggies and even lunchmeat and cheese.  I also got some colorful toothpicks with hearts and stars and stuff on them to stick in grapes and cheese, and I plan on serving some of her food in cup cake papers....maybe if I make lunches and dinners fun and cute, she'll be more apt to eat it.

I love to write down the funny things she says so I will remember them later.  Today she had a speck of dirt on her arm so I tried licking my thumb and wiped it off.  She hates when I try to clean her with my saliva.  She jerked her arm back and says mommy, it's not going to come off just by licking it, that's gross!   Haha, says the girl who acts like she's just going to kiss you, but licks your tounge instead.  Yeeeeuck!

Fun stuff

I just finished making scratch-off reward cards for Emily.  I cannot wait to use them.  I'm trying to be chill about her still waking up wet some mornings since the doctor said it's still totally normal and can go on until 7 or 8 or even older.  But still, she does do better with staying dry when we keep track and make a big deal of her staying dry.  I'm trying not to pressure her because for the most part, I do think a lot of it has to be when her body and mind is mature enough to hold her pee all night, but if keeping track helps her to stay dry, then why not.  So if she stays dry all 7 mornings of the week, she'll get to scratch off two prizes, and if she stays dry 6 days out of 7 she'll get to scratch off one....staying dry 5 or less does still get a star on the chart and an atta girl, but not scratch-off prizes.

I made some the other day, but they called for contact paper but I didn't have any, so at the suggestion of a commenter, I used a white crayon to color the "prize" to put the waxy layer down and then painted over it with nail polish.  It worked ok, but to use nail polish I think you really need to be scratching it off in a specific time period when it's dried enough, but not too dry because it wasn't real easy to scratch it off.  I made enough for 4 weeks, so obviously the nail polish is going to be very dry.  Plus, I don't want to waste my nail polish, and the smell was bad.  I could have used paint, but my hand was very tired by the time I got done coloring them all with the white crayon.

So I picked up some contact paper and voila, much better.  Just draw some circles on the contact paper, paint them with (mostly) equal parts acrylic paint and dish soap mixed together, once dry peel off the back and stick them over the prize on the card.  I did stuff like McDonald's sundae, extra time before bed, extra bedtime story, take a walk, go to the library, blind bag (I'm sure most parents know what those silly blind bags are), mommy/daughter date...I'm most excited for that one, so I hope she scratches that one off soon.  We went to this Chinese place the other night for dinner and it was soooo good, I had been craving Chinese and it did not disappoint.  Emily actually liked quite a bit of what she had and said how much she liked it there, which is pretty rare for her.  So I think if we do a date soon, we'll go there for lunch, and then I'll take her to the Dairy Go-Round.  It's this ice cream place where the building looks like a carousel and they have carousel horses all around the building.  She hasn't been there since she was pretty little, I don't think she could even walk yet, so it'll probably be like the first time there.

I also made her some chore charts with money attached to them.  We're pretty bad about remembering to give her an allowance, so I thought I would make up a bunch of non-weekly chores that she can do and each one has so much money attached.  So like, she can sort through her toys bin and put them all away in the right containers for a dollar, today she sorted her clean laundry and put them all away for two dollars....I think we'll also give her a weekly allowance, but I want it to be pretty small, like a dollar a week because there are certain things she should be doing no matter what and not because she is getting paid.  But I also want her to learn the value of money and to learn to save and spend it wisely. 

So we'll encourage her to save it, but every now and again maybe we'll see how much she has and tell her if she wants a toy she can pick something out.  Then she can learn that she has,  say $25.00 but this toy she wants is $30 so she cannot get it and she has to either pick something cheaper or save a little longer for that toy.  Then she can give the money to the cashier when we check out....I'm excited.  We also have good deed money.  It's clipped to the fridge with a post it and $5.00, and she has to do 5 good deeds to get the money.  But they'll just be good deeds that we happen to witness her doing, so like today without me telling her to she picked up the toys she had laying out so she could bring out these special toys from my office.  I did tell her to do that the other day, but the fact that she remembered, and did it today without being prompted was good, so I gave her a check mark toward her good deed money.

The other night I was playing Mario on Wii (I introduced her to it and now I am hooked on it again.  I just beat it again for the millionth time, and I just started over again) and it was around midnight and suddenly I heard Em crying from her room.  I ran in there and she was just sobbing her little heart out, but I quickly realized she was still asleep, so she must have been having a nightmare.  So I told her it was ok and I rubbed her back and she calmed down some but not much, and then I started singing and she calmed down almost instantly and settled back into a peaceful sleep.  I hate that she had a nightmare but man, I loved that she needed me and just my singing (which I've done since she was an itty bitty newborn) calms her almost instantly.  I cannot even remember the last time she has cried like that in the middle of the night.  It may be close to a year now.  Anymore, once I tuck her in for the night, that's it.  Which I know all you moms of newborns or even older kiddos who just have difficulties at night are like pshhhhha, such problems.  But it's true what they say, you'll miss it one day.

I wouldn't want to go back to the days where I had to go in multiple times a night or get woken up in the middle of the night....but she's growing up way too fast and it feels good to still be needed.  She has been pretty difficult this weekend, not listening and just being loud and getting into mischief, but it doesn't matter how rough of a day we've had.  Once she is tucked in for the night, most nights I have to really fight the urge to go in there and snuggle with her.  Mostly because I know I'll never get out of there without waking her up.

I just printed off some "kindergarten" line paper.  I think I'll start working with her on writing her name.  I won't push her, if she gets it she gets it, but if she has troubles I won't keep pushing her.  I get annoyed at how much different pre-school and K is now since I was a kid, so I definitely don't want to heap the pressure on her to learn a bunch of stuff that I feel they are too young to be learning yet.  When I was a kid, pre-K and K was all learning through playing.  Sure we had lessons about numbers and colors and stuff, but I think school starts off way more academic now rather than play, and I even know of some Kindergarteners who have homework in K.  Really? 

I'll admit, I am a little nervous about Em coming in, her first year in formal school, with a bunch of kids who have either been in daycare since they were infants or who at least did 3-year-old preschool....I do worry she will be behind a bit.  I know some kids her age that can write their name.  But at the same time, I know she is smart in so many ways, and she, of course, won't be the only kid coming from a stay at home/work from home mom household who has not been in daycare or pre-K all this time.  I heard someone say how they are so glad their kid has been in daycare all this time because of how much they know and can do and my kid still loves me and they know I love them and they were not raised by daycare.  Ok, I am not knocking working moms/kids in daycare whatsoever.  I know we're all doing the best we can do, and had it not been for some very fortunate circumstances that I was lucky enough to have, I would have been working 40 hours outside the home and Em would have been in daycare at least a couple days a week.

I am not in any way saying that daycare kids do not feel love or that they feel neglected or abandoned.  We all love our kids and working or not working is not indicative of our love for them.  BUT, being home with me these years has provided Emily with a lifetime of memories and closeness to me that she could never get from daycare.  I'm not saying daycare kids are lacking from not having that, but I do believe Emily a  received wonderful gift of getting to stay home with me.  I stayed home with my mom, and I love the memories I have of those days.  You have all your life to go to school and work, to have deadlines and rules and times you have to be someplace.  I have absolutely loved being home with Emily these last 4 years and most days not having to go anywhere, and just cuddling a lot of days, or playing and laughing.  I guess I am just saying I am very happy with my choice, and I hope most moms can say the same, whatever their personal situation is.  Yes, she may be a bit behind the other kids at first, but I would assume the teachers look for that to see which kids may need a little more help with things to "catch up". 

Boy mom

If your Facebook feed is anything like mine, it's flooded with a lot of ads, or parenting facebook pages that share these ads and the biggest thing right now is "Boy Mom" stuff.  Coffee mugs, shirts, hats..pretty much anything you can find to declare that you are a mom of boys, and love it.

Ok, it was cute for maybe 5 minutes.  But now it is everywhere, and it needs to go away.  Not only has it overplayed itself, I feel like it's all part of the mommy wars.  I know it's somewhat positive, but come on, unless you are a troll living under a bridge, we all know you love your kids.  It's not really something we need to declare on our clothing.  And while I know the whole "movement" if you will, started with all the annoying crap of "but you're a woman, don't you want a girl?", it's become just as if not more annoying than assuming all women want daughters. 

Maybe some will claim I am just "butthurt" but to me the whole boy mom thing sounds like their saying as a woman, having a daughter is such a cliche, and I (along with the millions of other people in the world) am so unique because I am a woman who only has sons and I'm such a rebel because I love it and I don't need a daughter.  In other words, yet another reason to claim that you are better than someone else.  Or as I like to call it, overcompensating because you really want the thing you claim to be thrilled to not have.

In the end, it doesn't matter.  Can't we just all be happy with what we have and quit trying to "one-up" everyone else?  Yes, there will likely always be that stereotype that thinks all women want a little girl and all men want a son to pass their manliness down to.  I get it, it must be very frustrating for a woman to have the joyfulness of their children, regardless of what sex they may be, unfairly denigrated because they are not the sex that society thinks all women want.  I'd imagine the same thing happens to men with all girls...except you know why they don't sell a ton of merchandise for men that say girl dad?  Because men do not give a shit.  They don't care what other people think.  Maybe they would like a son, maybe they couldn't care less, but they don't feel the need to declare the love for their child on their clothing because some people fall victim to generalizations.

People who might think it's not good to have boys probably think that way either because they don't have any girls and wish they did, so they assume all women want a girl, or they do have a girl(s) and cannot imagine having a boy.  People tend to be afraid of things...or at least see it as foreign when they do not understand it.  While I don't have two girls in the physical sense, we did spend several weeks preparing for a girl, and in our hearts, we have Kayla.  I had things purchased for her, I had ideas for her room, and I had visions of future experiences with my little girl, years before they could even take place.  Then not many more months later, we began preparing for another girl.  Our house is filled top to bottom with Barbies, cute stuffed animals, pink and purple, Minnie Mouse and mermaids.  Emily isn't a complete girly girl, she loves to run and climb and get dirty, but she's definitely a girl...and we have the damaged ear drums (why do girls have to shriek like that) to prove it.  I am a "girl mom", so the idea of having a son is completely weird to me because I do not have one.  Just as the idea of doing girly stuff probably sounds pretty foreign to a mom of boys.

But I am not better than you because I have a girl, and you are not better than me because you don't need to have a girl to be happy.  Some of us got the gender we may have been hoping for, some maybe did not but learned how fun the gender is that they did get, and while some may long for the girl or boy they never had, we all love our kids.  As I said, having a boy seems completely unrelatable to me, but since we are done having kids, there is a small part of me that is sad I never got to have a boy.  I do wonder what it would be like to have a son.  Had we had one, his name would have been Joseph Francis.  I loved it.  I'm a bit sad we never got to use it and have our little Joey running around.  He would have been named after his Papa (Joe), and sort of his Baba (Victor Joseph, but he is known as Joe to his whole family) and his middle name would have been after my grandpa's middle name.  Oh man, how proud my grandpa would have been to have shared his middle name with his great-grandson. 

Now I admit, I AM one of those people that will see a mom of three or more boys and think oh, poor woman.  Or when I hear of a woman that has a few boys, and then they have a girl I think oh good for them, they got their girl.  But, that is MY opinion, and partially because 3 or 4 of any sex sounds insane to me.  My sweet little girl is loud and messy enough, I cannot imagine two or three or more of her.  And I'm sorry, maybe it's a stereotype, but boys do strike me as being louder and messier.  And let's face it, there is some truth to that stereotype....there is a reason we never see shows like Jackass with women because women just don't do those kinds of crazy things.

Part of it is probably due to the kind of guy my husband is.  He's a "man's man".  He cusses (ok so do I, but I do have a filter) belches, farts, is loud, loves sports....sometimes he does all but stops short of beating his fists on his chest.  He is dirty and messy, and just a force to be reckoned with.  When he enters the room, everyone knows.  So the idea of having boys, or being the only woman in a house with sons and my husband, all I could envision was coming home to some maniacal scene of the house torn apart, sword fighting, and kids (or my husband) swinging from the chandelier.  My daughter is already boy enough when my husband gets her riled up, I could not imagine the amount of therapy I would need in a house full of crazy, loud, noisy stinky boys.  Now if my husband wore a suit and tie to work, and sat in an easy chair and read as a hobby and was quiet natured, maybe my opinion on having boys would be a little different.

Plus, for whatever reason, I always wanted a little girl.  I knew I would be ok if I never had a son...it would be a little sad, but I knew if I never had a daughter, I would be very sad.  I would have loved my son, no doubt about it.  In fact, I think I would probably surprise myself by how completely in love I would be with having a boy...but I think a part of me would always mourn the little girl I never got to have.  So yeah, I assume most women want a girl, because I want girls.  But not all women want girls, so surely those women also do not assume other women want them.  I don't see the need to defend your love for your sons because some people have an opinion or preference different from yours.  Also, the whole "don't you want a daughter" talk usually comes up during small talk.  Small talk is the armpit of conversation, regardless of the subject.  Small talk consists of people asking a newly bereft mother how many children she has or confessing how much you hate a dish at a potluck, to the person that brought that dish.  It's during small talk that someone asks how someone's husband is, only to find out that the couple recently divorced.....if human intelligence and compassion could only be measured by the topics or depth of conversation held during small talk, our society would be doomed. 

Women who feel the need to defend their boy mom status say, well no one will ever love their mother as much as a son.  Mmmm, not really.  Yes, most kids do seem to gravitate to the opposit sex parent...mama's boys and daddy's girl.  I am a proud daddy's girl myself.  But that is not always true.  My daughter thinks the sun rises and sets on me.  She loves her daddy no doubt, but I am her one and only right now.  But I am sure much of that has to do with the fact that I have been with her since day one.   I had three months of maternity leave in which she was either in my arms or right next to me on the couch.  There was the exception of the two months I went back to work, where she stayed with my dad during the day (whom she is still very close to today) but I then became a stay at home mom for a little over a year and a half, and since then I have worked from home.  But aside from the rare day that I need her to entertain herself a bit while I work, I pretty much only work when she is napping or in bed for the night, so to her, I am still around as much as if I didn't work.

So that is an average of 10-12 hours a day spent with me, almost since birth.  She sees daddy a lot more now, but when she was a baby, she was in bed for the night by 6:30 or 7, and daddy was at work all day, so he was lucky if he got an hour or two with her at night.  Now that she stays up a little later, he has about 3-5 hours with her a night, depending on how late she stays up, but still, that pales in comparison to my 10-12 hours a day.  And, no matter how much a girl might be a daddy's girl, sometimes no one else but mom will do.  As I said I am a daddy's girl through and through, but even at the age of 38 and almost 14 years since my mom passed, sometimes there is nothing in the world that would comfort me like the idea of my mom's hug.  Daddy's don't always get that boo boo's aren't always physical and you just need some hugs and comfort, or that sometimes, you just need to cry. 

So everyone wants to say that no one can love their mother better than a son, but I really don't see how anyone could love me more than Emily does.  Most days I cannot take two steps without her being right there with me, she tells me she loves me and that I am her best friend about 152 times a day, and to my delight, she's still quite snuggly.  So let's let this whole "boy mom" fad die its hopefully quick death, and just love your kids.  You don't have to defend your love for your son, no more than you have to think you're better than me because you don't need the daughter that I have.  Sons and daughters are different in many ways, and that is not a bad thing.  Men may not always make sense sometimes, but for this, let's take a page out of their book and not let this turn into yet another thing moms go to war about with each other. 

Birthdays in Heaven

It's after midnight, today is Kayla's 5th heavenly birthday.  I thought with 5 being kind of a milestone, it would be harder this year.  And I did know it was coming up of course, but even over the last few days, I hadn't really thought about it.  I just can't win.  Either I am sad and crying, or I am living my life and feel like a shit mom for not really thinking about her birthday as it approaches.

But then again, 5 years in heaven doesn't really have the same meanings as it would on earth.  If she were alive, we would be planning her start of Kindergarten this fall, her first step as a big girl, moving toward independence away from mom and dad.  But in heaven, I suppose every year is just like the last.  But I did notice when it hit midnight tonight.  Five years ago tonight, I was laying in the dark hospital room, alone (my husband was in the room, but asleep on the couch, haha much like he is right now), and praying so hard for my baby girl.  Begging God, or fate, or mother nature or anyone who would listen to just let her stay in for a couple more weeks.  I wasn't asking for term, I just wanted her to have a chance. 

I wonder who she would have been.  What she would have looked like by now.  Even in the womb, during the 3D ultrasound, I could tell Emily looked like Kayla.  When she was born I saw it right away.  One night, when Emily was just a few days old, I stood beside her crib, watching her sleep, and I could have sworn I was looking at Kayla.  Her name didn't even seem to fit her at first.  Maybe it's because we never called her Emily until she was safe in my arms, so it was still new.  But sometimes in that first week I'd look at her and think Emily, and it was like trying to call someone you'd known for years by a different name...but when I would think Kayla, it fit.  It didn't take long of course, and I never considered changing it to Kayla.  Within a week or so she looked like an Emily to me, but still, it kind of freaked me out.

But I wonder, if Kayla were alive today, would she look like Emily does now, or would her looks have changed as she grew?  Would she have been shy or outgoing?  Would she be a mama's girl like Emily is or a daddy's girl?  How would our relationship with her be different than it is with Emily, if we hadn't experienced losing her?  It's such a hard road to walk down.  I'm thankful that much of the time I can be happy.  I suspect that losing an already living child does not allow much happiness in a parents' life.  The idea of losing Emily just....I just don't even know how anyone goes on living.

But having lost Kayla when we did....it's just so hard to describe.  I loved her, I still do, so much.  I loved her from the second that second pink line showed up.  But knowing your child in the womb, while real, is so very different from knowing your child once they're born.  I know Emily better than I know myself.  I know what she likes, what she doesn't, I know when something is going to bother her.  She's very particular and has her own set of rules, and God help you if you break one of her rules.  She misses nothing.  The other day I was sitting on the end of my dad's sectional, and she left the room for a few and I moved to the other end because the sun was in my eyes.  I told my dad watch, she'll notice that I moved and be annoyed by it.  She came back in and it took her all of three seconds to say hey, why did you sit over there? 

Her beloved Minnie pillow that she carries around, she is blank on one side and has Minnie's face on the other.  She refers to Minnie as if she is a living being, and if I pick her up, she'll often tell me when I am holding her "upside down".  The edge that her face is on, is her feet when you flip her over to the blank side, and the other end is her head, according to Em.  I bought her a new Minnie Mouse bathing suit yesterday, and to mess with her when she went potty, Ryan put the Minnie swimsuit on Minnie pillow.  I told him, you've got it upside down, the neck of the swimsuit was on Minnie's feet.  He looked at me like I was nuts.  She came back in the room and said hey, wha?  She started laughing about Minnie pillow wearing her swimsuit.  Then she says hey, it's upside down, this is her head.  I looked at Ryan...told you so.

I know her cries...I know when she is whining, and when she is just tired.  I know when she's really hurt, or scared.  I know which foods she'll likely try, and which she'll turn her nose up at without a moment's hesitation.  But you never get a chance to know your angel like that, when you only carried them, but never got to know them outside of your body.  I constantly feel like I need to educate people on the fact that she is my baby, my daughter whom I love and miss, and that she was not "just" a miscarriage or a lost pregnancy, and that I will never stop missing her and that I think of her every single day, all the while trying to convey the fact that I miss her and love her, but for the most part I am happy and ok.  I'm sitting here on her birthday in tears, thinking about what could have been, but most days there are no tears.  Most days I feel happy and ok, and I am so thankful for Emily and that she brought me back to life.

I hate that she died, and I am so angry that this happened to us, to her.  I am so mad at the senselessness of it, that she died before she even got to start her life and it wasn't even because of anything wrong with her.  But now, after the fact with what I know now, her living would mean Emily wouldn't be here.  Emily was conceived in June, and my due date with Kayla wasn't until July 26th.  Even if Kayla was born early, before the end of June but survived, I know there is still no way possible Emily would have been conceived.  With a new preemie, and feeling like shit and stressed out and being postpartum, yeah, there is no way Emily could have still been conceived, there is no way for both of my daughters to be on this earth at the same time.  So as much as I wish it hadn't happened in theory, there is no way I can truly wish for that because then I wouldn't have Emily.  I know if Kayla had lived, and I never knew Em, I would feel the way about Kayla as I do Em.  I wouldn't know what I was missing....but that's like trying to imagine going through life without an arm or a leg.  It's just impossible to do. 

I feel guilty when I feel content with how things worked out.  How could I?  Just because things turned out ok in the end, doesn't mean I didn't feel like my heart had been ripped out for all those months.  And even now, even if I do not always feel the grief as intensely as I once did, I can still dissolve into tears over the unfairness of it all.  Wondering and trying to make sense of it all.  I feel stupid for saying I wish I were still in more pain over Kayla.  But somedays I am not sure which is worse, the pain of missing her, or the guilt of being happy with Emmy.

I can't be the only one who feels this way, this push-pull of guilt and love and grief and sadness all balled into one big crying mess.  But pregnancy loss isn't even talked about as much as it should be, much less the fucked up feelings 5 years later when you've had another child and you cannot seem to just be content with missing and loving your lost child, at the same time as being so in love with and thankful for your living child. 

I just hope she knows how much I love her, and that I think of her every single day.  Happy 5th birthday my beautiful angel <3

Doctor woes

My baby is 4!  We had a good day on her birthday.  When Ryan got home from work, we set up a balloon avalanche on the ceiling in the hallway outside of her room.  The hope was when she came out, we could pull a string and they would all fall down.  It didn't work quite as smoothly, but she enjoyed having all these balloons to play with,

Last year we tried the Pinterest thing where you criss-cross streamers across their closed door, stuff balloons in between the door and streamers and when they open the door, the balloons all fall onto them.  But my weirdo child will not come out of her room on her own.  Every morning and every day after quiet time, I have to go in to get her.  I remember when we first took the front railing off her crib to make it into a toddler bed.  I was thinking here we go, the beast is free.  I envisioned waking up every day to find her trashing the living room, or coming in and jumping on my bed at 6am.  Never did I think she would never ever come out of her room on her own.

Which causes a dilemma with night potty training.  Even if she does wake up dry, she will not come out of her room to go to the bathroom.  So if she wakes up before I do, she will just pee in her pull up.  Ok more on that later.

So once she was up she opened her presents from us.  We got her a dream tent for her bed (which she LOVES.  I have to admit, it looks quite cozy, I may need to sneak a nap in there one day when she's not home), a giant TY big eye unicorn, two Llama Llama books (Mad at mama and Misses mama), a cloud bath toy, and a little Llama Llama stuffie.  He's so cute, he's wearing his red pajamas.  Oh we also got her a Melissa and Doug puzzle spelling thing.  It's a bunch of wooden plates with a picture on each one and the word is carved in the wood, so she has to pick through the wooden letters it comes with to fill in the correct letters to spell the word.  She loved all of her gifts.

After that, we just had a lazy day at home, and she went down for quiet time in the afternoon while I worked.  When she got up, we had a programmed call through Nick Jr. to have the Bubble Guppies call her to wish her a happy birthday.  I wasn't sure how it worked, so as soon as I answered I scrambled to put it on speaker so she could hear it, and the first minute is just an automated thing saying to bring your child to the phone and if they're not ready yet to push a button.  I wish I had known that so she didn't hear all that.  Oh well, she was still pretty excited to hear Molly and Gil wish her a happy birthday.  That was the first show she ever loved.  I remember her sitting in her bouncer when she was a few months old and she'd be playing and bouncing, and then Bubble Guppies would come on and she'd stop what she was doing and just watch it. 

Once she was old enough to sit up on her own, I can remember it would come on while she was napping, so I would DVR it.  So whenever I brought up the DVR menu, she knew that meant it was coming on...when the music started she'd get a big smile on her face and clap. 

After dinner, we had some cupcakes and she blew out her candles.  They were pretty good for just being ones I got last minute from the grocery store.  It was a good day.  She went to her annual well-child visit yesterday.  I don't know, I normally love her doctor, but this visit was just weird.  Before the doctor came in, a male medical student came in and said he had some questions for us.  Emily is very shy, especially around men she doesn't know.  She does much better with female strangers.  I am not sure why that is....she is very close to her Baba (my dad) and of course she has her daddy...unlike maybe a child who doesn't have a father-figure or any male relatives that they spend time with.  Anyway, she wouldn't answer any of his questions, and anytime he tried to ask her some, she would scrunch her eyes closed tight and scrunch up her body and scoot closer and closer to me.

I'd say that's fairly normal for a young child to not be very comfortable with someone she's never met before, and I know med students have to start somewhere, but I was a bit annoyed by him.  I don't know how it works...since he is interning or doing a practicum or whatever it's called, in a pediatrician's office, does that necessarily mean he is going to school to be a pediatrician?  I don't know, maybe they have to do so much time in many different fields, so maybe he's not really good with kids...or maybe he just chose the wrong field, thinking it would be easy, or maybe it was his first day in the office.  Who knows, but I could tell he was not comfortable at all, and her shyness of him made him uncomfortable and therefore didn't seem super professional.  Like, he asked if he could ask me some questions, and then he said well....is it ok if I ask the kid the questions.  The kid?  Call me a stickler, but that just isn't really how a doctor, med student or not, should talk.  Maybe I am being too hard on him, but he would fair better in his career if he could somehow force himself to fake confidence until he actually has it.

I didn't mind that he kept trying to ask her questions, but you could tell it bothered him that she wouldn't talk to him, so he kept trying to force her, and it made her want even less and less to do with him.  Like, he'd reach out and playfully try to pinch her leg, or he'd make the same face she was making and he'd say "this is what you look like when you make that face".  I don't know, it was just awkward.  I'm kind of annoyed at myself that I didn't say something like ya know, if you back off a bit and stop trying to make her like you, she might loosen up a little. 

Anyways....so he was asking me questions about her diet and her bathroom habits, what she eats and how often.  I said how up until a few weeks ago, she quite regularly barely ate anything.  I jokingly said I sometimes wondered how she even stayed alive with how little she eats.  Everything I said about it, he seemed to react like it was alarming.  He asked how long this has been going on and I said um, pretty much since she started eating solid foods, so when she was a year old.  He seemed concerned by that.  Um newsflash guy, she's a kid.  Kids don't like to eat, or most of them anyway.  She is picky, and aside from continually offering them food and making sure what she's eating is nutritious and healthy, I cannot force feed her.  As long as she does eat, and is not underweight (which she is not, she's in the 68th percentile for her weight) then stop reacting like I am neglecting my child.  I know I know, I'm probably reading too far into it, most of his reaction was probably just due to inexperience and not knowing much about kids, but still, it annoyed me.

So when the doctor finally came in, he came back in with her.  Since he was there too, Emily wouldn't talk to her doctor either.  Not that she's really familiar with her doctor either....she's an exceptionally healthy child, she doesn't get sick much (knock on wood) and the last time she did even go to the doctor for an illness was in January and she didn't even get to see her regular doctor).  But still, during past visits, she's never been this shy with her.  It was because of him.  So she too asked some questions....I felt a little judgment from the both of them over the fact that she is not in daycare and we are not putting her in pre-school until this fall. 

Um, I specifically made sacrifices and chose to stay home, and then found a work from home job so that I would NOT have to put her in daycare.  Not that those who do are bad parents, not in the slightest, but her not going to daycare was not happenstance, I specifically did not want her to go to daycare.  And as far as pre-school goes, I don't think there is anything at all wrong with just one year of it once they are 4.  I think 4 is pretty young as it is to have to start the whole process of starting formal education and basically the responsibilities you'll have for the rest of your life, so I saw nothing wrong with keeping her home one final year before starting the whole rat race.  Especially since I do think she is very on target or even above average regarding some things, and since Kindergarten is now full days instead of half, I feel that it is plenty. 

When I told the med student she doesn't go to daycare or pre-school yet, he was like so she basically just hangs out at home.  Uh yeah, that's what kids do before they start school.  And it's not like I lock her in a dungeon room with no daylight and keep her away from other human beings.  She spends time with her grandparents, she plays with her cousins and neighbors and my friends' kids; over a year ago she started going to the daycare for an hour or two here and there at the gym, so she was exposed to other kids and adults without mom or dad right nearby, and since June I think it was, she's been involved in a sport of activity....first ballet, then gymnastics, now swimming.  I get that the doctor, and especially the med student don't know every facet of our life, but I felt like they assumed the opposit of daycare and preschool is sitting at home all day doing nothing.

The doctor asked if she knows her name and could say it.  I said yeah and she asked her what her name was but she wouldn't say it.  Again, I know the doctor only knows what we tell her and she observes, but Em's been saying her full name for a long time now....I would say her vocabulary is excellent and even way above her age level because I have always talked to her, even as a little baby I would just chat with her all day long so she could get exposed to a lot of words, especially because she wouldn't be in a setting with a lot of people every day.  And I don't shy away from using big words in front of her because even if she doesn't understand at the time or be able to define it, she eventually learns how to use it in a sentence.  I don't know exactly what the strict criteria is for her age, but I am pretty sure being able to pick up two pens and tell someone that these things are similar is pretty good for a 4-year-old.

The doctor asked if she can draw a circle and a stick figure.  Maybe for silly stuff as long as you know your child is developing ok, you should just fib, but I honestly don't know if she can.  She doesn't draw a lot...and if she does, I'm sorry but I am busy and I do have a job, so I cannot always examine all of the stuff she does.  When we do stuff like that, she mostly colors rather than draws, and she likes to build things like she loves playing with playdoh, and she loves imaginative play with her toys.  She also loves physical play....she loves to play outside and run and jump and climb.  I know it's important to know where she is at with her fine motor skills and to know if she CAN do something, but not every kid likes to draw, and I think there are just tons of other things she prefers to do.  I just felt like I got a weird reaction when I said I didn't know if she can do those things, and then she wouldn't do them when they asked her to.

The doctor also said something like, you might want to make sure she's prepared for her doctor's visit next time.  I felt like that statement was very judgey and condescending....well she's 4, this was not her first visit with her, and we've never ever had a med student come in before.  Maybe if they informed us ahead of time, or even asked if it was ok that he be in there, maybe my daughter would have been "prepared".  I guess in retrospect I should have asked if he could leave the room for a bit and see if she would open up to the doctor more.  But I'm still learning that not everyone is in a power position over me, just because they are doctors does not mean I have no say in anything, and she is my child and they work for me after all.  But part of me, despite my age and having a kid and all that, I still feel like a kid myself sometimes, and just go along with whatever other people say, as if a doctor has some kind of authority over me.  I think sometimes I can be too confrontational with certain people, but other times I am not confrontational enough.  And maybe I am being far too sensitive, and reading way too far into this and making this into a bigger deal than it was.  Maybe they don't think anything is wrong, and maybe the doctor had just had a rough day.  But still, in the past I've always left there feeling good and knowing the appt went well, whereas yesterday I left feeling kind of angry and annoyed like they assumed my kid is dumb and that I'm a bad mom.

Ugh, anyway.  So I asked about the fact that she is still in pull-ups at night.  This was the one conversation that was helpful and I didn't feel bad about anything she said.  She assured me that it is actually totally normal to take up to 7 to 9 years old for a child to stop wetting at night, and it's not until age 11 that they consider medicine (not that I was thinking that route).  So, that's good to know.  I guess I just always knew kids are potty-trained around 2-4 years old and that they must be trained by the time they go to pre-school, and since most acquaintances or distant friends don't get into it, you never really hear that the night time dryness doesn't always follow day-time dryness.  Em's been day-time trained since she was a few months past two, and this past year she has done really well with drastically reducing the number of accidents she has and often tells me when she has to go, rather than waiting till I make her go....so I was worried that there was something wrong since she is still in pull-ups at night and still wakes up wet anywhere from 2-6 mornings a week.

I asked if I should keep using the pull-ups...I wasn't sure if they were hindering her progress, but she said yeah unless I want to do laundry every single day that she wakes up wet.  Haha, that's a big no.  She didn't have much advice for the fact that she will sometimes pee in her pull up once she is awake, and the fact that she won't come out of her room.  I think she said to just keep working on it, but today as I was leaving her room for quiet time, Emily said no pee, the doctor says no peeing.  And yesterday she mentioned going with Minnie pillow (she's like her woobie) to come out of her room and come wake me up if she has to go in the morning....so maybe just hearing it from the doctor will be enough to urge her to stop peeing when she's awake.  We'll see.

Big birthday fun

Due to some scheduling conflicts, we had Emily's birthday party this past Saturday, even though her birthday is still a week away.  It went well....bummed though that my dad and stepmom couldn't make it.  She just had surgery on her shoulder not even a week prior, and my dad was sick.  But at least it opened up a little more room in our house, lol.  Our house is perfect for us, but for get-togethers, it is too damn small.  I looked around and see people eating standing up, balancing their plates on counter tops and shelves. 

We have plans to get the basement finished one day which I am excited about, but as far as for more room for parties, that's not a great solution.  I don't really want half the people upstairs and have downstairs.  We have a deck off our kitchen which I do like, but we really don't use it that much.  I think we should tear that out and build a four seasons room.  Make sure there are enough windows that we can open and in the summertime, it will still be like having a deck, except you're shaded from the sun and bugs.  For parties, people could flow between the living room, the kitchen and the four seasons room.  Hmmm, maybe one day.

So Em's party theme was Minnie Mouse.  I let her pick this year...usually, I just pick for her, but since she's getting older I figured she should be able to pick her theme.  I kept decorations to a minimum...we had a few balloons, a Minnie mouse pinata, cheap Minnie invites from Target, and I bought some black paper plates and black cake plates from the dollar store.  I cut out the center of the cake plates for ears, and attached them, along with a pink bow I printed off the computer to make Minnie plates.  They turned out pretty cute. It was a lot of work, but they got a lot of compliments.

I found on Pinterest a template to print the ears and the bow in one piece, but I don't pay for my print cartridges, my boss does, and that would have taken a TON of ink to print the ears, so I went the cheaper but more labor-intensive route.  I also got a bucket (I think it's actually a laundry basket) from $5 Below, filled it with beer and ice and put a sign on it that said We've got beers, say cheers! 

One day I was cleaning out Em's closet and came across her Minnie Mouse dress she wore to Chef Mickey's in Disney World.  She wanted to try it on so I humored her.  I couldn't believe it fit!  She wore that when she was 2 and she will be 4 next week.  The top is very stretchy, and the skirt part did look a bit short because of how poofy it was, but it covered to her knees and didn't show her butt or anything, so I let her wear it for her party. 

I usually try to alternate doing her "cake" each year....one year I make it, the next I buy it.  I was up till 5am last year doing her little mermaid cake pops, so I was going to buy her cake this year.  But then I found this cute idea for a Minnie silhouette on good 'ole Pinterest so I decided to give it a try.  But to make things easier, we had lunch catered by Tubby's subs, and I figured next year for her 5th I'll want her cake to be professionally done so I gave it a go this year.  We did well with keeping the house in order all week, so Saturday morning all I had to do was bake the cake and do a few random last minute things here and there.  It was the first cake I'd ever made, so I was a little nervous.  I apparently filled the cake pan too high for the first layer...it kind of rose up a little higher than the top of the pan and created a muffin-like top, and it took a million years to bake.  But the lightbulb finally came on and I put the cakes outside in the grill to cool faster once they were done baking so I could frost them so that sped things up a little.

So basically I had a two-layer round cake for her face, and then I used two small pyrex bowls to bake the ears, and just set them on the cake board above the face....Em requested strawberry cake, so I used white frosting.  I had a purple frosting writer, so I was going to use that edible spray stuff to give the white frosting a purple haze, but people would be arriving any minute so I skipped that I just wrote happy birthday on it.  The writer should have been in the fridge because within a minute the letters began to bleed and run together.  I got a picture while it was still somewhat legible, but by the time we served it, you could barely read it.  Oh well, everyone said the cake looked good and it tasted good.  Win win in my book.

So all the usual peeps came, Em's cousins and aunt and uncle, another cousin, my best friend, and her two boys, my inlaws, my brother and sister-in-law, and this year we invited my stepmom's nephew and his family....they get Emily and his daughter Annabella together now and again to play, so this was her first birthday party where we invited a friend.

They didn't get to stay long, her mom is pregnant and is due in like a week, so she felt like crap.  I was amazed she came at all.  I remember how awful that week to two weeks was.  I constantly felt like I was sitting on a bike with no seat.  So anyway, the party was good, food was great, the kids loved the pinata.  I wasn't sure Emily would want to beat Minnie Mouse to death, but apparently knowing there was candy was enough incentive.

She got a lot of great presents....another My Little Pony figure, a Barbie car (to go with her Barbie camper, yay), Hungry Hungry Hippos game, a karaoke machine....I think that's about it.  Good stuff.  Today she went to my dad's as usual, and since they couldn't come to her party, they had brownies for her and she got to open presents from them.  My stepmom got her a Minnie Mouse guitar and a Crayola stamp set, and my dad got her a Big Wheel.  She loved that, he had it sitting out when I dropped her off and she was riding it all over the house.  I foresee that getting a lot of use this spring and summer.  She's going to be so spoiled this year....on Friday we're taking her out to celebrate her birthday, and then Monday on her actual birthday she'll get to open her presents from us.  She'll think every year consists of several celebrations.

So she's all signed up for preschool in the fall...it's official, my baby is a big girl and will be leaving me 3 mornings a week :(  It's really no different than what she does now....she'll go MWF for 2.5 hours I think.  I'm hoping once I drop her off on Mondays and Wednesdays, my dad and MIL can just pick her up from preschool on their respective days and take her for the day like they do now so I can work....and then Friday will just be 2.5 hours away from me, that's no biggie.  But still, starting preschool is the official start of being a big girl.  She'll make friends, and learn a ton.  Like I said, she almost always goes to a grandparents house on Mondays and Wednesdays, but if for some reason we didn't feel like going, or whatever, we just wouldn't.  Back when she went to the daycare at the gym, she just went for the hour or a little more on whatever days I felt like going to the gym.

But preschool is going to be 3 set days that we pretty much have to go...we have to get into a morning routine.  No more lazy days around the house, sometimes leaving the house, sometimes not.  Then the following year is the real deal with kindergarten.  Oh man, if I am feeling unsure about her being gone for preschool, I don't know how I am going to handle her being gone all day for kindergarten.  I wish K was still half days.  I'm sure she can handle it, but I am not sure I can!

Her preschool is really cute.  It was my top pick, so I am glad she got into that one.  We went to another open house before and got on the waitlist...that one was fine too, very nice teacher, nice looking program.  But of the two, I liked the one she got into the best.  She went to the open houses and she was so excited looking around at all the toys and stuff.  I hope she loves it.  I am so thankful that she does not appear to have the anxiety I had as a child.  Occasionally she'll say she doesn't want to go somewhere, or she'll be extra clingy with me, but for the most part, she gets so excited about preschool whenever I talk about it, and she has loved her extracurriculars.  Right now she is in swim lessons; she is doing really well. 

I just cannot figure out how she is going to be 4 years old already, and where the time has gone.   Aside from the two months I went back to work after maternity leave, I have spent nearly every day with her since she was born.  She wouldn't nap in her crib till she was at least 6 months old, if not closer to 8 or 9, she would only nap on my chest....so every day for months once I became a stay at home mom, she and I would lie on the couch together and I'd put her paci in and I'd either rub her back or gently pat her on the butt....not sure why the butt things works, but it does, and after a few minutes she would fall asleep.

Sometimes I would lay there and just watch her, taking her all in.  Listening to every little coo she made, staring at her face, memorizing the details.  Most days I would also fall asleep too, and that was what we did every single day till she was almost a year old.  We'd snuggle up on the couch together and nap.  I occasionally felt guilty, thinking I should be using her nap time as a chance to get laundry done or other housework....I argued the point with my husband that being a stay at home mom wasn't being lazy, I was taking care of the house and our daughter...despite him coming home to a messy house because I had spent a couple hours on the couch with her every day, haha.  But I finally decided that she would be a baby for such a short period of time, and I would never get that time back.  The laundry and dishes and dirt would still be there tomorrow, but my chance to spend time with her as a baby would not.

No mom ever looks back on their kid's younger years and say, I should have spent more time doing housework.  So for at least 14 hours a week I did nothing but snuggle her, and hold her, and watch her sleep, I appreciated the time.  I made sure to take it all in and try to burn the memories in my brain.  I didn't take for granted any of it, but here I am...I still feel like these last 4 years have gone by in a blur, and sometimes it seems difficult to remember her as a baby.  I look forward every morning to my "on this day" post on facebook of what I posted that day other years, and I am always surprised at how little she was and how cute.  She's still cute of course, but I am always shocked to see how babyish she still looked at 2 years old, and now she looks so much more grown up.

Sigh, it's every mother's dilemma, the joy, and pride in seeing their children grow up and become self-sufficient, happy people....all the while crying inside about how quickly they grew up, and how much they miss their little baby.  I am sure in another couple years I'll think back to now and think, at 4 she was still so little.  How could I think she is so grown up compared to ______fill in the blank age.  The quote "the days are long but the years are short" is so very very true.  Please slow down time!   

The big 5 coming up

It is mid-January, so the crazy planner in me is starting to think about Emily's 4th birthday party two months from now.  If I am being honest, I have been thinking about it since around October. 

And of course, it gets me thinking about Kayla's birthday too.  I'm also thinking of her today because our happy announcement about her anticipated arrival popped up in my memories on facebook today.  Five years ago today, I was still pregnant with her, and so happy to announce.  Though I did fear it, I had no real reason to doubt that she wouldn't arrive when she was supposed to, safe and sound.  I had just entered 2nd tri, happy to breathe a sigh of relief that we had made it that far, thinking the worst was behind us.  There are a lot of fun things about having kids, and finding out you're pregnant, but I still think getting to announce your exciting news is hands down one of the best parts about pregnancy.

I was dying to announce, counting down the days, and I got so excited and happy every time my phone pinged with a new like or comment about our news.  I do not always enjoy a lot of attention, or being the center of it, but as a proud mama-to-be, I was reveling in it.  I wanted to tell every single person I came across, whether they would care or not.

I remember one time I was shopping at Trader Joe's when Emily was a baby, and this young woman that worked there helped me with something, I think I asked if they carried something in particular.  I cannot even remember how it came up, but she told me she was pregnant, and had just found out.  It wasn't completely out of the blue, I think maybe she asked how old Emily was and that's when she told me.  Some might think it was weird, I literally just asked where something was, and she shared this big, personal new with me, a complete stranger.  But I got it...she was so happy, she had to tell someone, anyone.  Plus since I am a mother myself, she probably thought I was a better person to tell her news to than say, a big burly motorcycle guy.  I thought it was sweet though, I was happy for her, despite not knowing her at all.

So Kayla would have been 5 this March, the first big milestone birthday after the first, and she would have been starting the big K in the fall, Kindergarten.  The year we lost her, we met with close family and friends at the cemetery, our friend Dan said a few words and then we all released balloons that everyone wrote messages on up to heaven.  We did this on July 26th, her would-be due date.  I needed to have something to do that day, and being with the ones I love most in this world was what I needed.  Afterward we went back to our house and had a bbq.  I still think of her on July 26th....I think of her every day, but that day will always be special to me, and I always have a bit of a heart flutter if something is going on where a date is mentioned and it's that date.  But, since then, it's her birthday that we always celebrate, the day she came into this world, albeit sleeping, and we said hello for the first and last time.

Since that first year, we've celebrated her birthday quietly among the three of us....we usually go out for a nice lunch or dinner, and release balloons at her grave...sometimes we have a cake, or get cupcakes or stop for ice cream on the way home.  Being her fifth this year, I'd like to do something with family again, but I don't know what...or when for that matter.  Emily's birthday is the 19th, so we'll have her party on the Saturday before, but with Kayla's being the very next weekend, I don't really want to ask that our family put aside time again to come back over for a celebration for Kayla....and while I have always been adamant about teaching Emily about her sister, I don't ever want Em to feel like she is living in her shadow, or like we had her as a "consolation prize" or to replace Kayla.  So I really am not comfortable with the idea of doing something for Kayla during Emily's birthday party.  I always had to share my birthday party with my cousin who was 2 years younger than me since her birthday was 6 days after mine.  I hated it, I wanted my own day, so my children will have their own days as well. 

Doing something the following weekend doesn't really work out anyway since Kayla was born on my nephew's birthday, so my sister-in-law will likely be having his party that day, and March in Michigan does not always make for such nice weather to gather at the cemetery.  So far to release the balloons on her birthday, we have had two years when it was so cold we basically ran out, said happy birthday and sent them off, and one year it was raining so hard, just opening the car door drenched everyone and everything inside.  So then I thought maybe we can do something in April or May when it is nicer out....but who knows if it will be, thanks Michigan.

Ok so even if we do that then...what do we do?  I'd like to think of something other than a balloon release.  I thought about butterflies, but I've looked into it before, it doesn't seem like a great idea.  With my luck, they would all be dead on arrival.  "Oh happy birthday Kayla, here are some beautiful butterf.....oh crap, they're all dead".  I've been wracking my brain, thinking of something we could all do together, but I've also thought well maybe it can just be something people can do on their own, like a random act of kindness in her honor, or donate to a charity of their choice in her name...and while those are very very nice things to do, is it going to make me feel the love and unity from my family if we're all off doing things on our own?  Plus I don't like asking people to do things, especially when it comes to spending their money, like donating to a charity. 

I feel like I am just a couple of firing neurons away from this really awesome idea, but so far, nada!  I did have one thought, which is something I've always meant to do for her birthday anyway, and that is adopting a grave.  The basic idea is to go to the cemetery and find a grave that is really old, or just looks like it hadn't had a visitor in a while, and clean it up.  Trim the grass around the stone, wash off the stone, leave flowers, etc....But again, I am not sure how comfortable I feel about asking people to come work on some stranger's gravestone on their day off. 

We planted a memorial garden for her last spring, and to our sadness, it did not survive.  We had a lot of hot, dry days and I didn't get out there and water it enough, and once the weeds took over, it was a goner.  I was very sad about it, especially because it was mostly just due to laziness.  BUT, the dog did eventually find a way in over the small fence we had, so maybe it wouldn't have lasted long anyway.  But we plan to replant this year, and get a much higher and better fence to go around...so the only thing I can really think of is to invite our family over to plant their own contribution to it.  Whatever they choose, a flower, plant, or maybe a garden decoration like a stone or a spinner.  And then we could have a bbq or something.  I think out of all the basic ideas I've had, which is basically nothing, that this is the best one.

But, my husband, the former landscaper, might be irritated by that.  I know he likes to design all of our landscape, and it may bug him to have random, non matching plants and flowers.  I don't know, I'll run it by him.