Christmas was great, it was so much fun to watch her open gifts and see all her new things. She got lots of great gifts from everyone. On Tuesday we let her open her Christmas Eve box, a day early since we have plans with family that night. She mostly just beat on the box so we had to do most of the tearing of the wrapping paper. Once the box was open she went right for daddy's box of Bunch o' Crunch, she liked shaking it like a rattle. I had a box of Raisinettes and there was also a bag of popcorn though we never got around to having that. She got a new pair of festive jammies and the movies The Rescuers and The Rescuers Down Under. My husband and I enjoyed the candy and we all watched The Rescuers Down Under. It will be more exciting as she gets older and understands what is going on, but for now it was a nice evening and I was happy to start the tradition.
On Christmas eve I got her all dressed up in a red and black fancy dress complete with tights and Mary Janes....she doesn't need to be an ultimate girly girl like my niece, but I am hoping she doesn't despise girly stuff like I did when I was little. It would be nice if she'll willingly put on dresses for special occasions as she gets older. So she and I met my dad at church, Ryan stayed home to get dinner ready. She did wonderful at church, she was very quiet for the first half, and only made a few sounds through out the second half, and they were just the ones that prompt friendly looks and smiles from the people around us. No ear piercing screaming thank goodness.
Then we went home, dad and my stepmom and stepsister came over, as did my brother and his wife. We had grilled burgers and cheese and chocolate fondue. The traditional swiss cheese turned out good, but the velveeta cheese and the chocolate didn't go so well. Oh well, live and learn. After dinner we opened presents, in addition to the new jumper dad and my stepmom got her (which came that evening before church so she got to try it out and loved it) she also got a ton of clothes, cute slippers and lots of books. They also got her some toys to keep at my dad's house so she has things to play with there and a Molly doll (Bubble Guppies) that talks.
The next morning we blissfully slept till 9 and once Em was all changed, we opened her presents first. She needed help, but she did pretty good. We got her a Minnie Mouse doll that crawls...kinda hoping Minnie will teach her how to crawl. She also got a baby doll with a soft body and her head rattles, and she got some stocking stuffers like more pacis, those net things you can put fruit in them so she can chew on the fruit with less risk of choking, more teething toys and a small rattle stuffed animal.
After a nice nap, we got ready and went to my inlaws and had an amazing dinner. One day I would love to be able to host like my MIL does. She never looks frazzled, the food always turned out good and there is room on the table for everything without having to go to different stations all over the kitchen to get your food.
At their house, one person opens all of their presents at a time and we go in order of age, so Emily got to go first. My inlaws got her an activity table and a thing with balls in it that spin around and the lights light up when you push the top. I think they also got her some clothes and in her stocking were these adorable pink moccasins. My SIL and BIL got her some clothes and some cute little fur lined white boots. Unfortunately none of her slippers or boots stay on very well but they make for good photo ops.
So it was a great first Christmas, and it was nice to experience it through a child's eyes again. I've always loved Christmas, but it's gotten a bit boring as an adult, so it's exciting to get to relive it through Emily and see her so excited. I know it will only get better as she gets a little older, but even at 9 months she looked happy and excited to see her gifts, and she hugged all of her stuffed animals that she got. I felt bad though that I didn't feel bad enough about missing Kayla over Christmas. I miss her, every single day, but Christmas isn't as hard because of Emily. Right after we lost her, I decided right then and there that I didn't want to have Christmas last year. We were still 9 months away, but at the time I wanted nothing to do with it. I didn't want to decorate or put up a tree, I didn't want lights outside or to celebrate with any family. It was just going to be another regular day. In fact we were contemplating going away for Christmas so we wouldn't even have to be reminded what time of year it was.
But, after 9 months, we had healed enough to breathe a little easier, but the biggest band aid for our hearts was the fact that by Christmas last year, I was 6 months pregnant with Emily, so we decided to go ahead with Christmas as usual. It wasn't easy, and I was anxious about it, but it went alright. But this year....I was excited for it. I couldn't wait to see Emily open her gifts and stick to traditions we had when me and my husband were kids, and traditions we were starting with our own family. It's very hard to be sad around Emily, she makes me smile all day every day. So it makes me feel terrible that Christmas wasn't hard without Kayla. I miss her every day, I think about her every day, and I look at Emily and I wonder who Kayla would have been. But there is one glaring thing that goes through my mind far too often, and that is, Emily wouldn't be here if Kayla was.
I will never ever ever say I am happy that we lost Kayla. I will never say it all worked out for the best. I know if she had survived and we never knew Emily, we would be full of smiles and laughter every day over what Kayla would do. But aside from feeling her inside me for 4 months and holding her tiny body, I don't know her. I don't know what her personality would have been like, I don't know what her eyes would have looked like, I don't know how her voice would have sounded. But I do know all of that about Emily, and it kills me, it fucking kills me to think of my life without Emily. She can never replace Kayla, and I will always love her and miss her, but I feel so guilty for not missing her more, for not being more sad at Christmas time. I liked a bereavement page on facebook and there has been lots of talk about getting through the holidays and people commenting, saying how terrible they are, saying how miserable they are without their baby. Why aren't I more sad? It sounds stupid to wish to be more sad, but I am afraid of losing her, I am afraid of letting Emily replace her.
But it hasn't all been easy. We got family photos taken last month, and we have a large canvas print in our living room. I look at it often, and think about how it is a lie. We are all smiling, our cute little family of three, but we are not a family of three, but the fourth member is gone. And sigining the Christmas cards....I had them printed to say "Love, the Smiths" (not our real name btw), so that I didn't have to feel judged by signing Kayla's name or feel bad for not signing it, but then I went ahead and signed the back with our three names. I felt terrible about that from the moment I mailed them. I will not be making that mistake again in coming years.
So, hopefully I am just at a place in my grief right now where I need to be happy. I know there is nothing wrong with being happy, and nothing wrong with loving Emily....I just have so little of Kayla to hold on to, I am afraid of letting go even more.
Emily has a second tooth coming in, it's her other bottom incisor. She seems to be feeling better, I haven't needed to give her as much medicine lately and she isn't crying as much, but the first one is popped all the way through and the second one is mostly popped through, so I think the pain is subsiding for now. But I am sure it won't be long until another one comes popping through and makes my baby cry some more.
I am trying to teach her how to drink from a sippy cup. She does better than she used to, a couple months ago when I tried, she just chewed on the handles. Now she does put the spout in her mouth, but it's the kind that nothing will come out without some sucking, and so far she doesn't do that. Not sure if I should be using a different sippy, or if I just need to keep offering it and eventually she will get it. Her new thing lately, and she doesn't do it all the time, but sometimes if I get close to her face and say "Emmy can I have a kiss", she'll tilt her head up and meet me for a kiss. It's sooooo sweet.
We went up north this past weekend for the annual christmas party on my dad's side. It's actually the first time I've gone, I always had to go back to work the day after Christmas so I never felt like going out of town. It was nice, lots of good food and my aunts were all excited to see Emily again and they all passed her around like a hot potato. My dad was holding her and I was sitting across the table from them. My grandma was next to them and suddenly she gave Emily a rubberband to play with. Before I could even finish the thought of WTF is she thinking, she's either going to snap herself or put that nasty thing in her mouth, Emily promptly took it from her, pulled it with her other hand and snapped it on her wrist. She got a shocked look on her face, then burst into tears. If I could read her thoughts, they would have been, "Whhhhy did you give me that, it huuuuurt". She was fine, and I wasn't super mad, but my grandma raised 12 kids, she has 28 grandkids, 16 great grandkids and her first great great grandkid was born today actually. Why in the hell did she think it was a good idea to give a baby a rubberband?
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