Day 76

I've gotten a little behind on my writing.  I can't believe it is day 76 and we are still under our stay at home order.  I feel like we're kids that kept talking too much in time out and our Governor keeps giving us more time until we're quiet. 

Though honestly, a lot of that went by the wayside on May 1st.  Yes, the order is still in place, but it seems like very few people are adhering to it.  Once the weather got super nice, people were like peace out!  There used to be a very very obvious reduction in the number of cars on the road, but now the roads are just as packed as they were pre-pandemic, especially once the auto workers went back to work. 

We still cannot dine in at a restaurant, and I'm trying to avoid stores so I do mostly online orders and curbside pick up...my avoidance started because I was trying to avoid getting sick.  I've never been actually scared of the virus, but still if I can avoid getting sick in any way I will.  But now I avoid stores just because I don't want to deal with the hassle.  I don't know if it's because we've been stuck at home for so long or what but I now feel some anxiety when I do have to go to a store...like I'm becoming agoraphobic.  But honestly I think it's really more about it being a pain in the ass to go to a store. 

Trying to avoid people, making sure I don't cough or sneeze and get thrown in "covid jail", making sure to not get too close to people...not because I am all that worried about being too close and getting sick, but just in an effort to respect other people's comfort levels and to not be "that person" that goes against what is now socially acceptable and/or expected.  I wear a mask for that exact reason...not because I think it's protecting anyone all that much, but because it is expected and I don't want to deal with the hassle of being told I cannot come into a store I need to.  If I could wake up tomorrow and suddenly the world was as it was three months ago...no masks, no social distancing stickers on the floor, no sneeze guards everywhere, I would run my happy ass to Target and enjoy my shopping trip and browse stuff I don't need.

I feel like so much of this is all bullshit measures to create the illusion of safety but it's not really safe at all.  A couple weeks ago, Taco Bell started using a metal utensil cup to have you put your money or credit card in at the drive-thru window.  Um ok, but now the employee STILL has to touch my card to take it out of the cup to swipe it, and now I have to touch my card that has been in the cup that 1000 other cards have been in.  Again, I really don't think I am going to get covid from my card being in a cup...but that doesn't solve anything!  If the worker STILL has to touch your card, then it makes ZERO sense to put it in the cup, except now you're forcing me to touch my card that could have germs on it from everyone else's card.  The smart thing to do would be for the worker to actually take my card from me, swipe it and hand it back, and then change his gloves after each customer.

But nobody cares about doing what makes sense, they only care about taking all of these measures that will make the nervous netties feel better about being out in a big bad germy world. 

And I swear to God, the next person that claims kids should not go back to school in the fall is going to get punched in the face.  We have exactly 8 more days of homeschool (yes I am counting) and I could not be happier.  I thought it was absolutely insane to close schools for as long as they originally did but to also tack on spring break to the already long closure.  Then I thought it was even more insane to make the call to cancel school for the rest of the year in early April.  But to kick around the idea of not returning in the fall?!?!  Oh my God everyone has done lost their frickin mind!  Not even a part-time schedule is going to work where they propose two in-class days and three distance learning days.

No, it won't work.  End of discussion.  Yeah, theoretically I could make my two in-office days the two days Emily is in school.  Ok fine...but what about the other three days when she is home with me while I am trying to work, AND I have to facilitate and help her with her school work?  And I am one of the lucky ones...for people that have no choice but to leave their home to go to work, there is no way that will work.  Oh ok, let's keeps them out of school 3 days a week to cut down on the virus spreading, but now let's take those kids and put them in daycare on those days because their parents still have to work and cannot let their young kids run rampant at home alone with no supervision.  Fucking genius plan Einstein!  And if they're going to be in school two days anyway, why not just all five?   Kids are gross and disgusting.  It's not like they are going to not spread germs and be gross during those 2 days, but another 3 would guarantee infection.  I once put my hand in a pile of some other kids snot at the park!  You cannot avoid gross when it comes to kids. 

And why people think working from home is the be-all end-all solution is beyond me.  Yes, working from home can be great....I have no commute on those days, I can wear my pajamas, I can run downstairs for 5 minutes and throw laundry in.  But working from home STILL MEANS WORKING.  It does not mean I miraculously have more hours in the day, it does not mean I can sit there on the clock, not working and help my daughter with homework, and it does not mean I can somehow split my brain in two so I can focus on work and her homework simultaneously.  Whether you work in a big office building, a factory, or at home, you're still working and you still have to focus on your work. 

All these idiots on the FB comments section are like, well what do you do in the summer when kids are home?  Just do the same thing you do then.  Um, first of all, 3 months is NOT the same as 12 months.  Yeah, summer is very difficult to suddenly have to deal with Emily being home while I am working, but my dad and my ex-inlaws try to help out by each taking her one day a week (which by the way you're technically not supposed to do right now because of Covid).  Also, trying to concentrate on work and keeping Emily entertained during the summer is hard, but it's not as hard as doing those things AND having to do her school lessons with her.  And also, it's temporary.  Putting up with the struggles of summer is doable because the end is always near as fall fast approaches.

Then other idiots are like, you are the one that decided to have kids, it's your responsibility to figure out what to do with them...teachers aren't babysitters.  Yeah, because back in 2011 when I first starting trying to get pregnant, I really should have thought to myself now hold on, I do want to build a family and have kids, but I really should make sure I have a plan in place in case our entire country goes into lockdown for months on end and they cancel school indefinitely because of a virus that has a 98% recovery rate.  Man, how irresponsible of me to think that my kid wouldn't be going to school for some reason, despite the fact that kids have attended school without fail for over 100 years. 

I'm convinced that all these people that are pushing to not return to school in the fall either A. already homeschool their children, B. do not have kids or do not have young school-aged children or C. are a stay at home mom and can more easily juggle the kids being home and have time to do their school work with them.  Maybe they even welcome them being home because being a SAHM can be lonely as fuck. 

I'm not saying being a SAHM is easy...I did it for two years.  I've done all three options...SAHM, WAHM, and I've been a working outside the home mom.  They are all hard.  But, it is just a fact that trying to teach your kids their school work is 100 x harder when you are also trying to put in 35+ hours per week of work at the same time.  The caveat to that is being a SAHM but having three or more school-aged kids that need help with school work...I can see that being very very difficult as well. 

I have not been a good mom the past two months, and I hate it.  I want to be, but I am so damn stressed out, and Emily does not want to do the school work nor does she put much effort into it.  I am sure the FB know-it-alls would say oh well my kid is well-behaved and does fine with their work, so you must just be a bad mom.  My kid is very well behaved...but, she does not behave for me while doing schoolwork or put the same level of effort into her work at home like she would for her teacher, in a classroom setting, surrounded by her peers.  It has nothing to do with how good of a kid she is or how good of a mom I am.  It is just a fact, plain and simple.  Just like kids always behave better for grandma and grandpa.

Her dad still isn't taking her for his weekends...he hasn't seen her since March 24th.  My dad and stepmom try to help out by taking her 1-2 days a week, but it's still very hard being the only parent on duty, 24/7 for the better part of two months and counting...we can't go anywhere really, cannot do anything.  I'm trying to work and trying to get her schoolwork done and she's very resistant.  My nerves are shot.  I'm yelling at her and getting frustrated all the time.  I fucking hate this.  I've been back to work full time for a month now...I was only furloughed for a month, but even then I was still working 5-15 hours per week.  And two of those weeks Emily was on spring break for one week and it took them another week to get together a plan for school work after spring break.  So for the last 11 weeks, I only had 2 easier weeks where I had to do her lessons and I was working less than my usual hours.  And this is just one of the less severe consequences of keeping things shut down for so long...my issues obviously pale in comparison to people committing suicide, not having any income and not qualifying for unemployment, their small businesses going under, being stuck at home all day with their abusive spouse, etc, etc. 

Some days I feel like I woke up in a dream and the entire world has lost their damn minds.  I am so sorry for the people that have died and their families.  It's tragic, it really is.  But this is not the plague that is just ripping through society and killing everyone in its path.  Death is a very very sad and tragic part of life, and you cannot protect yourself from every possible risk, especially when the consequences of trying to do so are worse than the initial risk itself. 

I saw this video the other day of this grandma driving over to her grandkids' house.  Her daughter had made this plastic curtain with arm sleeves for both grandma and the kids so they could hug through this plastic wall.  People in the comment section were saying how beautiful it was and how touching it was.  I found it to be sad...sad and depressing.  This is not the new normal world I want to live in where people think they can only hug their grandchildren through a plastic curtain with sleeves.  It wasn't even the right height so grandma was basically hugging their heads. 

I get it, there are certain circumstances where people do need to take precautions.  And while I do not know what underlying issues this woman may have had, she did drive herself there, and walked very effortlessly and unassisted over to this "hugging wall".  She did not look to be so old or so unhealthy a stiff breeze could have done her in.  I think most grandparents who aren't seeing their grandkids right now is because the parents (their children) won't let them.

I get it...I love my dad more than anything and I do get on his case about checking his blood sugar and stuff.  But he is relatively healthy and fit and has somehow managed to keep himself alive for 70 years.  He grew up, he got a job, served in the military, bought a house, had a family, and manages his life...he taught me how to walk, how to ride a bike, how to drive a car and he worked for 35+ years as a machinist.  My dad is smart and capable, and when he decided that he is not worried about the risk of spending time with and hugging and playing with his granddaughter, who am I to tell him no he cannot do that?  As we get older, we tend to see our parents in a different light.  They may not be superheroes to us anymore, they may be flawed individuals, they may not know everything as we once thought, and they may be behind the times with technology. 

And for some, it is just luck, but if you manage to live to be 70 years old, a privilege denied to many, then you are doing something right and you do not deserve to be treated like a child who cannot make a competent decision about risk and reward.  If I did not have the small breaks that he and my stepmom have given me the last couple months, and if Emily didn't have this one joy of still seeing her grandparents when so many of her other joys have been taken away, I don't even want to imagine how crazy we would be by now.  Four of my absolute favorite and most loved human beings ever to walk this earth are in Heaven...my daughter, my mom, my grandma and my grandpa and they all died years ago of things other than Covid. 

People act as though prior to Covid we were all immortal or something.  That a kid going to school is such a huge risk, but they ignore the fact that just getting in the car and driving them to school is a much much higher risk than Covid ever could be.  You could choke on your dinner tomorrow and die...are we going to stop eating because there is a risk of choking? 

I would give anything to hug my loved ones one last time, and if they were here right now, that is exactly what I would do.  A lot of people who intend to not see their older family members for the next year or more due to Covid are going to be very devastated when they end up dying of something else and they threw all this time away that they could have spent with them.  Tomorrow is never ever guaranteed and it has been that way long before Covid existed.  The point of all this was to never keep people from getting it or to reduce the chance of getting it to zero.  The very point of all of this was to flatten the curve, to keep the hospitals from getting overwhelmed.  We have done that, now let's move on and get back to life.

Yes, take precautions, yes wash your hands (we should be doing that anyway) don't cough in peoples' faces...but we need to live our lives, otherwise they are not worth trying to preserve.  Despite being a natural worrier, I do also tend to just let things roll off my back and hope for the best.  But the idea of having to continue homeschooling in the fall, continue trying to juggle work and her school, and not being the best mom I can be because I am too stressed scares me...a lot.  And the thing that scares me the most is there is nothing I can do about it.  If they decide school is not going to resume, or on a very limited basis, what can I do?  I can't keep going like this...I just can't.