Capture your grief, day 2

Time has gotten away from me, and I missed the start of October.  While beautiful, we have still had a few unseasonably warmer days, so I completely forgot what month it is (is it bad that I often forget what time of year it is as well??).

Since today is only day 4, I will play catch up, but I will skip day 1 just because I didn't get a sunrise pic that day and I don't feel like cheating on that one.  Though I wish I had realized the project was going on.  I couldn't sleep at all last night, so I was wide awake at sunrise this morning.  I could have at least gotten today's sunrise.

So.....

Day 2: WHO THEY ARE

I'm going to include out first bean in this as well, since the poor little guy doesn't get talked about much.  For me, while devastating at the time, my first loss was not the same level of grief and did not have the same impact on me that losing Kayla did.  I still think about that baby, I still think about him every August when he would have been born, and I know he would have just turned four a month or so ago.  But with him, I found out the great news, and four days later he was gone.  My grief was more about the what could have been, than it was actually losing him, unlike with Kayla, where we had a tangible baby to hold, with 10 tiny tiny toes and ten teensy fingers.

I don't even know if he was a boy or not, but in my heart I feel like he was.  We had been trying for 7 months...not an incredibly long time at all, but ask anyone who is TTC and even one month can feel like an eternity, so 7 is a lifetime.  But it was even harder to endure, because my previously clockwork-like periods went MIA the very first month we started trying.  I think I might have ovulated two or three times in that 7 months, my cycles were long and very irregular and while I was against it at first, I couldn't even try charting when I decided to give it a whirl, because my cycles were so messed up, I didn't know where I was in the cycle, or when I might O.  I was lost.

On top of that, our times of trying were very few and far in between.  Without knowing when to try, It became very frustrating early on, and I felt like we were just closing our eyes and randomly shooting a gun, with almost no hope of hitting the target.  Then one day in November, I took an OPK.  I don't know why, I hadn't taken one in forever, and I had no real reason to.  To my shock and amazement, it was positive.  I ran around the house, screaming and whooping and hollering.  I had never seen a positive before, it was just so damn exciting.  I had no clue where I was in the surge...did I still have a few days till ovulation?  Was I about to ovulate that day?  Unfortunately we only got the chance to do the deed once after that OPK, but for whatever reason, I felt calm.  I wasn't stressed that it wasn't enough.

I decided to take the test exactly two weeks from the day I got the OPK.  If that time was like the others, I usually Od about 3 to 4 days after my last positive.  So that would have made O day on a Tuesday, making me 11DPO or there abouts when I tested, but I assumed I was further than that at the time.  The 2WW wasn't awful, like I said, I just felt like it would be "when" I got the positive, not if.  I somehow just knew it would be positive.  Was I just optimistic because it was our first real shot at conceiving since we hit my fertile window, or did I truly somehow know?  I have no clue, but I woke up early that morning, not being able to sleep any longer, I tested, and got my positive.

I don't think I had ever been so happy in my life.  I was beyond elated.  I also felt like it was some kind of miracle that I had been having so much difficulty with Oing, and here I just happened to catch it, got it on the first (and only) try, and it was December 3rd, which meant I was somehow so incredibly lucky to be able to announce to our family's on Christmas morning.

But sadly, like I somehow knew Baby B was coming, I also somehow knew he was going.  My happiness didn't last long, I was nervous, scared, and anxious.  I walked around with a pit in my stomach for days, worrying that something was wrong, despite having no reason to think that.  The evening of December 6th I was reading in bed, and I was crampy, as I had been since I found out.  That is probably what made me so nervous, but I later found out it was very normal to cramp.  But somehow in my case I knew it wasn't.  I used the bathroom before bed, and was relieved to see no blood on my pantyliner.  But then, when I wiped, there it was.  Light pink streaks on the toilet paper.  I knew that could be normal, but for me I knew it wasn't.  I went to bed that night with a heavy heart.
I woke up the next morning, still crampy.  I cannot remember if there was blood on my panty liner, but after a few seconds I looked down and saw that the toilet water was completely red.  My little bean was gone.  Thankfully, being so early, the physical aspect wasn't too bad.  It felt like a slightly more painful period, but emotionally I was crushed.  Our little bean was only with us for four days, that December of 2011.  We never told our families, not until a long time later when we were still having troubles conceiving.  It was so hard to not have their support.  We never gave him a name.  I know some people do, but for us it just didn't seem right.  The following October, when little bean would have been about 2 to 3 months old, I dreamed I was rocking a baby back and forth in a stroller, and it was a boy that was about 2 to 3 months old.  My little bean.

A year later, as we approached the one year anniversary of our loss, I got my second positive pregnancy test.  It was November 14, 2012.  I was happy, but cautiously so.  It was nerve wracking, especially those first few weeks.  I knew it was likely that my first loss wasn't indicative of more losses to come.  Lots of women have a loss or two, and then go on to have a perfectly healthy pregnancy, but still I was scared.  I wanted this so bad, so I was afraid to believe.  But once we passed 4 weeks 2 days, I breathed a small sigh of relief.  And again when we saw the baby's heartbeat, and again when we officially crossed into second tri.  For those that don't know any better, it's the safe period.  The point where you can pretty much say, you're bringing a baby home in 6 months.  But sadly, many of us know differently.  It got easier to breathe with each passing week.  I did have a few episodes of spotting, the first time really freaked me out, but by the third or so time, I was pretty certain that was just my normal, and things would be ok.

At 18 weeks we had a beautiful anatomy scan, and found out we were having a little girl.  Either would have been great, and I had actually been really certain it was a boy.  But deep down, I was secretly thrilled to be having a girl.  I couldn't wait.  We named her Kayla Kathryn.  Kayla was my husband's favorite girl name, he told me he wanted to name his daughter that on our second date, 5 years earlier.  Kathryn was after my mom, who had passed away 8 years before.  I was in heaven.  We were approaching the halfway point, and now I really was starting to believe that we would be bringing her home in a few short months.

Then on 22 weeks 1 day, I was having cramps.  They had been present for several days, progressively getting worse, but up until now they had always come and gone, and I was told they were normal.  But that night they were really making me feel sick.  I decided we needed to go to the hospital.  I was in labor, my water was leaking, and 12 hours later our beautiful girl was born sleeping on March 24th, 2013, just shy of 18 weeks early.  She was born at 10:11am, she weighed 1 lb 1.6 ounces and was 11.5 inches long.  She was so beautiful, and looked so peaceful.  I was amazed at how much like a newborn she looked, just on a miniature scale.  I later learned that she was what they would call a micro preemie.  Micro was right.  Her entire head could fit in the palm of my hand.  Her ears, fully developed, was the size of an eraser head.  She had these tiny little lips above a pouty little chin, and the most perfect nose you've ever seen.  Her fingers were literally the diameter of a match stick and her little fingernails were the size that a dot of a sharpie would make.

We decided to keep her name we had given her.  Never again would I be able to use it for another baby, but above all, it was HER name.  Not only had we been calling her by that name for several weeks, we had been calling her that for years, before we even began trying.  We would talk about our future baby Kayla often, probably even before we thought about getting married.  We didn't get to use her name like we thought, and instead of a cute sign in her nursery, or on a form for her first day of Kindergarten, her name is on a grave stone.

A year later we would learn that her little sister, Emily, born almost a year to the day on March 19th, would practically be her twin.  Even in the womb, from the 3D ultrasound I could see that she looked like Kayla.  When she was born, I held her and looked down at that same familiar perfect little nose and chin.  Emily could never replace Kayla, but I won't lie.  Dealing with her death has been 10 times easier since Emily came into our lives.  I don't even want to imagine the broken, shell of the person I would be, if we were still sitting here, mourning the loss of our daughter, and never been able to have any more kids.  But I think about Kayla every single day.  It's been over 3.5 years since we said goodbye, but not one single day has gone by that I haven't thought of her, missed her, and loved her.  She was and is our baby, our first born and having Emily will never change that.  But I look at Emily, who is 2.5 now, and I wonder.  Would Kayla have still looked like her at this age?  Is Emily a spitting image of an angel up in Heaven?  Emily is spunky, sassy, and funny.  She tests limits like all kids, but she is a really good little girl.  She was a wonderful baby, she's always slept great aside from spurts here and there.  For the most part she is very well behaved, especially in public.  So I wonder, would Kayla have kept me up all night for months and years on end?  Would she have been a little devil with a shit eatin' grin who I just could never stay mad at?  Would she have been that kid whose presence is always known in public?  I will always wonder who she would have been.


Here is my sweet baby.

Wherever you are

I wanted you more than you'll ever know, so I sent love with you wherever you go.  You're my angel, my darling, my star...and my love will find you wherever you are.

-Nancy Tillman

Stats

I haven't done Emily's stats in a while, I think the last time I wrote about them was her birthday.  Since she is just a week or so away from being 2.5 (how is that possible?!?) it seems like a good time.

Weight: 28.6lbs
I don't remember what she was last time I weighted her, or when it was.  According to her baby book, she was 26.8 on her birthday so she's gained just shy of 2 pounds since then.  Not bad considering the girl almost never eats.

Height: About 34.5 inches, and on her birthday she was 33.5 so she's grown an inch.  I know it's not a ton, but I can definitely feel her weight and height progress when I pick her up.

Milestones and Memories:  It's been a busy six months.  Since her birthday she has dropped all bottles completely.  One day as I was laying her down for her nap a month or so ago she says, bubba?  No silly girl, you're a big girl and you've been off bubbas for months.  I do occasionally let her take a sippy of milk to bed, but it's very rare, so when she asks, I let her.  She is also in her semi-big girl bed.  Still in her crib, but the front rail is off to make it a toddler bed.  Probably after the new year but before she turns 3 we'll put her in her real big girl bed, a twin.  She is day-time potty trained; she does still have accidents from time to time, but she's never had an accident out in public (knock on wood) and I'll take the blame for many of her accidents at home.  We'll be working on night training soon.  When she is busy playing, I cannot trust her to tell me she has to go, so I should be just taking her to the potty more.  She's talking a ton now, making three and four word sentences and she just says the funniest things.  My SIl's dogs were play fighting one day and Emily pointed and said bad girls!  Too rough!  She mostly feeds herself, I help her if it's something really messy, and she can drink from an open cup, but since I don't want to waste, and clean up spilled drinks all the time, we still mostly use sippys.

Sleeping habits:  I was blessed with a wonderful sleeping child.  On the rare occasion she might cry at bed time or nap or take a while to fall asleep, but for the most part I read her a story, we say prayers, I hug and kiss her, tuck her in and say love you, and she said aye you, I tell her sweet dreams and she repeats it, I close the door and that is that.  I think she's gotten me up maybe 3 times in the last 4 months, I think it was a couple nightmares, and she fell out of bed one night.  She actually fell out again the other night....she must have been sleeping at the end that doesn't have the guard rail.  She was ok that time though.  She just sat there, looked around, got back into bed and went back to sleep.  She still naps once a day for about an hour and a half to two hours.  If she misses her nap, she isn't too incredibly cranky, but she's fighting to stay away come bed time.  She really is a blessing, I have it so easy with her.

Eating habits: This is where she is not so great, but I guess if she isn't starving and she's gaining weight, then she's good.  Most meals she eats ok, more often than not she'll occasionally take a bite or two and be done and on a rare occasion she'll eat like a horse who hasn't seen food in weeks.  I can usually get her to eat a decent meal with her favorites which are PB & J sandwhiches, mac and cheese, and hot dogs.  Anything else is iffy.  She likes fruit, like strawberrys (trawbies) and bananas, apples, and she loves tomatoes.  Grapes and raisins usually go down easily too.  She also loves her milk, and juice.  I try not to give her much juice, but now that she knows about it and can ask (demand) for it, I give in more than I would like.  She looooves chocolate milk.  The odd food she really likes is crushed lentil soup.  Love it, could eat an entire bathtub of it.  She'll also take the same amount of fruit smoothies.

Favorites: She still likes Minnie and the gang, and any princess, but lately she is all about Anna from Frozen (Elsa is ok, but she's an Anna fan), and Nemo.  Oh lord does this child love Nemo.  And Dory...we must watch Finding Nemo like 8 times a week, and that's with telling her no much of the time.  She calls cherry tomatoes baby Nemos (like the fish eggs in the beginning of the movie) and almost passed out when her big cousin ate one of her cherry tomatoes.  She also likes Blaze, and Paw Patrol (which she calls Pawtrol).  She's really liking Cinderella lately, and Beauty and the Beast which she calls Tea Pops (Tea Cups).  She loves to carry around junk.  She's all about trinkets.  Yesterday we went to her daddy's 5K and she insisted on bringing with her a penny, a Dragon head (that we got out of a Kinder egg, she loves that damn dragon head), a barrette, and one of those hair ties with the colorful plastic balls on them.  She'll gather up a bunch of little crap and trinkets and put them in her toy SUV and drive them all over the place.  She's definitely got a good imagination.  She loves nail polish and getting her nails painted, and she loves playing with her Nana's jewelry.  She likes to play with her dog, though she prefers there to be a door or gate between them.  Nalah is still a baby herself and tends to lick Emily's face and knock her over if they're in the same room.  She's still trying to win over our cat's heart.  She sometimes slightly succeeds.

Discoveries and accomplishments: She can put her own shoes on, and usually gets them on the correct feet.  She can put on her undies and her pants by herself.  We're still working on shirts but once I get it over her head she is usually good.  She can do all of her wooden puzzles.  She's now realized that her cousins are two different people...she used to just combine their names and call them each that.  She knows all of her immediate family members by name, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousin...  Her carseat in dad's truck is still in the middle and it's high up so I have trouble getting her in.  If I set her on the seat, she can climb into her carseat and put her arms through the straps.  She can go up and down any staircase.  She gives me a heart attack but she can go all the way up and down Nana and Papa's stairs and she holds on to the railing.  She can go get just about anything, if you ask her she'll say ok and she'll run off and go do whatever you asked her to do.  She speaks very well, but she understand everything you tell her.  She can count to 13 but she sometimes gets stuck, or just likes to start at 9.  She knows her colors, red, blue, green, brown, black, white, purple, yellow, orange, pink....the only ones she's not sure of is different shades of colors, and things like silver and gold.  She's super polite, always says please and thank you, sometimes she'll even say thank you much, and she almost always says bless you mommy when I sneeze.  She's the sweetest, smartest little girl and I am just so in love with her.

Long time no write

Wow, I've really been slacking this summer.  I haven't written in over a month?  Well, just to give an update on the cemetery debacle, I guess they got tired of getting angry calls and visitors.  They supposedly "didn't realize it would create so much traffic" and that there would be an issue of people loitering and upsetting people.  Oh please, game, and cemetery do not go together.  Period.

I got in touch with another woman whose son is buried in there, and she and I were discussing things we could do.  The management never returned my angry phone call, but I suspect it was more because they probably had 100 other messages just like mine and just couldn't, or wouldn't return them all.  But this woman got a hold of someone higher up, and apparently kept at him until they changed the rules.  She actually sat at the entrance one morning, waiting for the new sign to be installed, which told people that absolutely no game playing was allowed, and anyone found to be playing games on the property would be subject to legal action.

Ok, the ends justifies the means I guess.  In the end it got people to stop coming, but I'm still pissed off about how they handled it.  One day they're welcoming players and offering a free gift, and the next they're threatening them with legal action if they set food on the property?  Not to defend the players, because really, get a freaking clue and have some respect, but at the same time, I would be pissed if one day I was welcomed, and the next threatened.  They at least should have fessed up that they made a mistake, and said that while they did originally welcome players, they did not realize the impact this would have on grieving family members and they can no longer allow players on the grounds.

They also owed us family members a HUGE apology, and accept the blame for their stupid actions.  But we got nothing of the sort.  In fact, they passed the buck quite a bit, claiming they did not ask to be part of the game and that they couldn't do anything about the players.  Um, yes you can.  A cemetery is private property, if you are there for any other reason than to mourn a loved one, then you are trespassing and can be arrested.  Furthermore, they are the same company that owns the cemetery that Rosa Parks is buried in, and weeks before all this, signs were put up and it was on the news that no pokemon playing was to go on in there.  Oh I get it, so if Rosa Parks is buried there, it's not allowed, but otherwise, fuck everyone else's family members' graves.

They also removed all the negative reviews on their facebook page, which reminds me I have to go write more on any reviews sites I can find, to warn people who live under a rock not to use this cemetery.  I'm still very mad about it, but once the sign went up and people stopped coming, I had to let it go because I was literally emotionally exhausted from being so mad about it.

So anyway, what have I been up to?  Well, Meijer and Kroger have answered my prayers and just got curbside pick up for groceries.  Oh, so happy!  I hate grocery shopping.  Hate it!  I'd clean toilets, change diapers, pay bills, anything but grocery shop.  And now, I don't have to.  It's only a $5 fee and as far as I can tell the prices of everything is the same as it would be in the store.  It actually is costing me less money because I don't buy as much stuff if it isn't on the list.  It's kind of hard to impulse shop and buy things that look yummy, when you're not actually in the store.

My only complaint is my local stores haven't gotten it yet, I have to drive about 15 minutes to go to the next city over.  But considering it is saving me an hour or more of shopping and frustration, I'll take it.  I don't live in the sticks, so it really shouldn't be long before my stores get it.  But, as much as I do love it, it's just one more thing to make me feel like a bad mom.  Seriously, what am I doing all day that I cannot take an hour to go to the grocery store?  Let's see, this week, I didn't get the papers in my office shredded that I needed to, I didn't clean the fish tanks, Emily's laundry from Wednesday is still sitting in the dryer, her room is still a mess, and her pool is still inflated and yucky, waiting to be cleaned and put away for the year.

Most days we get up around 8 or 9, which I know is amazing for having a two year old....I know many moms who are woken by their munchkins way earlier.  I get her breakfast, we sit and watch TV while I browse facebook.  Some days we play, some days I do get my ass up and do some housework, but at least a few times a week I snooze in the recliner while she sits on my lap watching cartoons.  I am so tired, because I am up late working.  Most nights I put her to bed around 8 or 9, and then I spend a little time with my husband before he goes to work.  So I start work usually between 9:30 and 10:30.  I often work for a few hours, so I get done around midnight or 1am.  But I don't want to go right to bed, I want some me time, so I stay up until 2 or 3.

I keep saying I need to start working during her naps, so I don't have to work at night, or maybe only work at night for an hour, getting done in plenty of time for some me time and get to bed at a decent time.  But many days, I either snooze most of the morning and then have to attempt to get some housework done during her nap, or I take a nap myself while she is napping....so I can't get any work done during her naps because I am tired and nap, but the reason I am tired is because I don't work during the day, and stay up too late working.  It's just a endless cycle.

Plus, I don't know.  I feel anxious working during her naps.  Not knowing how much I can get done before she wakes up, whereas at night, I can relax, and work as long as I want/need to because she wakes at night so very rarely.  But, I suppose if working during the day could get me on a better sleep schedule, it would be worth the bit of anxiety I feel.

So yeah, I just feel like the shittiest stay at home/work from home mom ever.  It is nothing at all like I expected when I first quit my job to stay home.  I thought I would be like Mrs. Cleaver....have a spotless house, be thin and fit because I have time to work out, and have dinner on the table every night at 6pm.  Oh yeah, and most nights, especially if I napped when she did, I am angry with myself for wasting so much time, not getting anything done, that instead of cooking dinner, we order out because I just want to pout and eat comfort food rather than try to be somewhat productive and save money and calories by cooking.  So now, I am tired, I worry about our budget because we eat out too much, I feel bad about myself for being so unproductive, which causes me to mope and eat bad, which causes me to continue to not lose weight, which just makes me feel more tired and unproductive, and round and round we go.  I love staying home with Em, and I love my job and working from home, but I miss the structure.  I miss being forced to do things at a certain time, because I had to.  But when you don't have to, it's so hard to do it.

Yes, Emily is fed, and safe, and happy, and clean (most of the time) and loved, but I still feel like a shitty mom/wife for being so lazy and unproductive most days.  I love the quote, "behind every great kid is a mom who is pretty sure she is screwing it all up".   I can only hope that is true, and that I am not screwing it all up.

I have a doctor appt on Monday and I am going to request a sleep study.  I've always been interested in taking one, but now that I found out you can do them from the privacy and comfort of your own bed, I figure why the hell not.  If I do have sleep apnea, maybe the c-pap machine would solve many of my tired issues.  I can't imagine waking up feeling rested.  Even when I was younger, I can remember battling to stay awake in my morning classes.  I had this teacher once, I had her in the morning and again in the afternoon, and she once told me I am like a different person in the afternoon.  All morning I would doze off and just be fighting with everything I had to stay awake, and then in the afternoon I was awake, alert, and happy.  I've always been a night owl, and I am so much more productive at night, but when you have a two year old, it's just not possible to be functioning in the evening and sleep all morning.  So fingers crossed, I actually do have sleep apnea and the treatment turns me into a brand new person.

I'm reading two books right now.  Well, I'm listening to one.  My husband and I both wanted to read The Girl on the Train, since it's becoming a movie next month, and we were heading on a road trip, so I got an audible account  so we could listen to it on the drive.  Like usual I had trouble staying awake.  Audio books are like having someone read me a bed time story, puts me right out.  But then I got a fantastic idea...why not use it to help me sleep?   If only it had a sleep timer.  But then I looked, and audible.com does have a sleep timer!  What geniuses!  So most nights I listen to it before I go to bed.  I can usually stay awake for the whole 30 minutes, and then roll over and go right to sleep when it stops, but some nights I fall asleep during, and have to go back the next day to see what I missed.  It's so good though.

I'm also reading Sugar Daddy.  It's this fluffy book I saw on some reading list, so I gave it a shot.  It's actually pretty good.  But it is quite 50 shades-esque.....You can pretty much replace the word Dom with Sugar Daddy and Sub with Sugar Baby.  But it does have a bit of a twist to it....it's not quite as blatant as taking Twilight, changing the names and making them into BDSM.  It's a 3 part series as well, I just started the second book.  I didn't realize it was a series until I got to the last page cliff hanger, and was like what the hell?  That's how it ends?!  Then I saw the info about the next book.  Thankfully the second book was already out so I could download it right away and keep reading.

One of these days when Emily is at her grandparents, I need to take advantage of my amazing swing in the backyard and go read out there before the weather gets bad.  I tried last summer, but my puppy was still such a puppy I couldn't enjoy my book without her running over and biting my feet every few minutes.  Now that she's a little older, she'll probably bug me for a few minutes and then go play or lay under the swing.

No respect in the world

I am absolutely disgusted by the management company of the cemetery my daughter is buried in.  I discovered that they are not only ok with people coming in to play Pokemon Go, but they are actually posting signs, welcoming players, telling them to have fun, and offering a free gift.

Now, I don't give a shit what kind of game you play.  I may personally think it is dumb, but if that is what you want to spend time doing, then by all means, have at it.  I wouldn't even care if it was just a couple people visiting the cemetery.  If you're not hurting anything, then cool.  I personally think it's disrespectful to play a game in a cemetery, but a few people is not a big deal.

But thanks to this sign, word of mouth, and an article in the local newspaper, people have been flocking to the cemetery by the dozens to search for Pokemon.  Are people being disrespectful or vandalizing graves?  Hopefully not, but inviting a bunch of people, most of whom are teenagers who tend to not respect things that are sacred, is just asking for vandalism.  It's putting a big neon sign, inviting people in here to "play and have fun" thus the cemetery owners themselves are devaluing the importance of treating it as sacred land, so how does anyone expect these people to have respect?

But more importantly than anything, it has turned the cemetery into a circus.  I went yesterday evening to see for myself.  Emily and I visited Kayla's grave for at least 15 minutes, and in that time I counted around 50 cars, possibly more, coming and going.  At times there were as many as 6 cars driving past us all in a line.  As we were driving into the cemetery, it took forever because the lead car kept stopping, no doubt staring at his phone.  As we were leaving, it also took a long time because there were a group of kids just standing in the middle of the road, and everyone had to try to get around them on the already narrow streets.

In addition to all of the cars, there were several groups of people on bikes and on foot, walking around, standing by different graves....I am not sure why, I don't now the logistics of the game.  But I do know the different poke things show up in spots, so I can only assume when people are standing in one spot, they are trying to catch the thing that they found.  Each and every person and car that went by stared at us like we were a road side show, as if we were the weird ones, being at a cemetery to visit a grave.

I was so pissed by the time I left, I was almost in tears.  There are some days I go to the cemetery because I am having a hard day, and I just want to sit in peace and quiet, in the only tangible place I can go to feel close to my daughter and cry.  How the fuck are you supposed to do that when the traffic going in and out is comparable to a regular city street?  A cemetery is not a park, it is not a hang out space.  It's not a place to be driving through, or walking through with your friends, talking and laughing.  It's feasible that an actual funeral service could be going on, while these idiots are all hanging around.  I cannot even imagine being there for her funeral and seeing this going on, or going to her grave in the days and weeks since we lost her, when the pain was the most raw, and being stared at but all these gawkers.

If anyone on this earth should know the importance of a cemetery being respected and honored, it should be people who run a cemetery.  Those who are in charge of being there for people in the darkest time, who take on the delicate task of laying your loved one to rest and looking after their final resting place.  What is in it for them?  What possible reason could they have had to invite all these strangers in to play a damn game?  What, getting their name in the paper?  Do they think these people are going to come through and think wow, this is a nice cemetery, I think I'll go home and write my will (when I am done playing Pokemon) to declare that this is where I want to be buried.

So clearly they don't give a rats ass about the people who have entrusted them with their loves ones place of rest, they are only using this as an incredibly disrespectful way to drum up more business.  I was so pissed, I called them right then and left a voicemail because it was after hours.  I was so mad, I might have included a few expletives, but I couldn't help it, I am so upset about this.  I posted a link to the news article on my facebook, and several friends and family members commented about how disgusting it was, and also shared it.  My MIL called them today, my friend's mom called, my BIL wrote an email, my SIL also wrote to them, and several people left shitty reviews, including myself, on their facebook page and I know several of them called today or went to the office.

I hope they spend this entire week answering calls and dealing with people walking in to yell at them for this.  They are already a pretty shitty cemetery, the ONLY reason we chose it is because of how close it is to our house.  I hope they spend weeks dealing with the backlash of this wonderful marketing decision.  The funeral home warned us that they are shitty to deal with.  I can't say I should have listened because I really don't think I could have handled Kayla being buried so far away at the other cemetery, but it just goes to show that they were right.  I hope they lose a lot of business over this.

Camping

Whew, I need to catch up.  So we went camping for the first time a few weeks ago, over the 4th of July.  We bought our camper when I was pregnant with Em, but until now we have only used it as a glorified hotel room, parked on my dad's property up north.  So we finally went to a real campground, and camped....used the bathroom, used the kitchen, had a fire pit, etc.  We've yet to tackle the hot water heater, so we haven't used the shower yet, but I would like to, maybe next time.

It's a very small shower, it would work pretty well for giving Em a bath, but it would be a cramped shower.  But I would like the option, since going to the community bathhouse may not always be an option if it's pouring rain and I don't want to walk there, or if I am just too tired to go.  Plus despite taking a cool shower, the bathhouse gets pretty hot, and I HATE being hot, so having the option to shower in the camper would be nice.  Besides, the community shower stalls aren't all that big either, and I'd prefer to not have to shower with my flip flops on.

We arrived Saturday evening, we got a late start because we had to attend my cousin's grad party first.  By the time we got all unpacked and got the camper set up, and our nice but annoying next door neighbor stopped yacking my husband's ear off, we headed into town to get groceries.  It's only 45 minutes from home, but I figured why shop before hand and have to pack all the groceries when we can just shop in town.  We ended up with way more than just groceries....being that it's the first time we're actually using it as a camper, there is still a lot of things we need, and Meijer is like the worst store for that.  I don't too often shop at Meijer, so when I do I'm like ooooh, I want that and this and that other thing.  For me, just because it's different, Meijer can be more dangerous than Target.

So we finally got back to the camper (with BK, it was too late to try cooking and we were starving) to plop down in our chairs to watch the fireworks.  We had the perfect view right from our campsite.  Our campsite was good, we had plenty of space, the people around us were fine, our next door neighbors on our other side showed an outdoor kids' movie each night and invited us over.  We always declined though because I knew Em wouldn't sit there for the whole thing.  On our last night she did go to the end of our camper and watch for a while from our site, but like I assumed, she lost interest and wanted to do something else after a while.  We'll be tempted to try to request that site each time, but I think we should just take whatever site they give up and see what else there is that we like.  That way we can build up a list of sites we love, so that when one is taken, we have others to choose from.

That night was to be her first night sleeping in a big kid bed.  We purposefully left her pack n play at my dad's place.  Since she'll be in a big girl bed soon at home, I figured she might as well sleep in the bottom bunk in the camper.  We have so much more room now with the pack n play not in the middle of the room, and the bunk beds are ideal for her to sleep in the first time.  Most of the bunk shares a wall with the bathroom, so there is only a 3 foot wide opening near the foot to get in, so it's kind of like a cave.  I figured if she started out deeper inside the bunk, it would be awfully hard to fall out.  We tried the pool noodle trick but being that the opening to the bed is slightly curved, it didn't work so well.  Plus, Em had been playing with the noodle for a few weeks at home, so when she realized what it was, she kept trying to get it out and kept screaming mine!

She was also crying and upset about going to bed, apparently she was scared to sleep in this big bed all by herself, which I can understand.  So we let her climb in bed with us and watch a movie.  Once she fell asleep Ryan carried her to her own bed.  She slept in there just fine, but mama didn't sleep so well.  I must have gotten up 3 or 4 times during the night to check on her.  I wasn't so much worried about her falling out of bed, but I guess I was worried that being in a new bed would make her somehow just up and die.  But one of the last times I checked on her, I was a little nervous because she had managed to flop around so she was sleeping more at the foot of the bed, a foot or two away from the opening.  So that day when we headed to Target, we shopped for a bed rail.  Of course they didn't have them.  What the hell Target?!

So that was Sunday, when we got back from Target, we hung out for a bit, waiting for my brother and SIL to come hang with us for the day.  We had mentioned to them the day before that it was only a 45 minute drive, and that they should come up just for the day to hang out, and they laughed and said, it's only 30 minutes from our house, we mapped it, but we didn't want to invite ourselves, so we were like come on up.  So they got there around 3 or 4.  We all got changed and headed for the beach, but Ryan stayed back to get dinner started.  The beach was nice, not nearly as crowded as I expected for the 4th of July.  The campgrounds was a mad house, but judging by the beach you'd never know it was a holiday weekend.  Though it was later in the day.  The water was a bit chilly at first but once you got used to it, it was like bath water.

We're spoiled and used to Lake Michigan beaches, where the water is damn near clear and the firm, sand is in massaging ripples in the water.  But not every beach can be lake Michigan, so for a non-lake Michigan beach, it was pretty good.  Much better than the lake we grew up swimming in at my grandpa's cottage, where your feet sunk into the muck at the bottom, and when you took off your suit at the end of the day you belly was covered in sea weed and other lake nastiness.  Though we didn't care, I loved going there.  But I will say, the beach at the campground did have one huge advantage over Lake Michigan.  Like I said, it was a slight chill when you first stepped in, but within seconds you were used to it and the water temp was great.  Unlike Lake Michigan that has three temperatures.....at the highest temp, it's so cold when you first step in you want to die, but after several minutes you can eventually get used to it enough that you can enjoy your swim, or the middle temp, in which it's so cold when you first step in you want to die, but you cannot stay in long because it's so cold your bones are aching.  Or, the third temp, where it is so cold, you can't go in or you will die.

Two summers ago when Em was just a baby, I bought her a little floaty with leg holes in it, and it had a little umbrella to keep the sun off her head.  I think she was about 4 or 5 months old, and we used it in my inlaws pool.  She was so tiny she had to basically just sit cradled in the middle because the leg holes were way too big for her to put her legs in.  Now, she can of course sit in it like it was intended, and she is too tall for the umbrella to go over her head :(  But she had a ton of fun, we also put her in a life jacket just to be safe, and because it was so darn cute on her.  My SIL didn't go in, but my brother came in with us and we played in the water for a while.  Then we stopped at the playground on the way back for a few.

When we were in the lake, Em said a few times about pottying, but I can never get a yes or no out of her as to whether she actually has to go.  So I said quietly, just go in the lake.  Yes, I am that mom, and no I don't care.  It's miserable taking a wet kid into a public bathroom, wiggling their suit off and plopping their wet slippery bodies on the toilet, then trying to use toilet paper on a kid who is already wet.  Funny story though, last summer when she still wore swim diapers, it was just me and her in my inlaws pool, everyone else had just gotten out, and I was like ewww, the water just turned very warm, she must have just peed (because of course swim diapers do nothing for pee).

So while we were at the playground, she was standing at the bottom of the slide, all of a sudden she stands with her legs apart, and just pees in the sand.  Ugh.  I told my brother to kick some sand over it and we got the hell out of there.  She's like a damn cat, peeing in a sandbox.  So we get back to the campsite and dinner was almost ready.  We had picked up one of those grill things that just sits over the campfire to cook, but Ryan was nervous about using that to cook for guests, so he just cooked them in the pan (that we had to buy at Meijer the day before because I realized we had no pots and pans) on the stovetop.  So we had burgers, potato salad, chips, and salsa.  Very good dinner.  Not for my diet, but it was yummy.

They stayed long enough to sit by the campfire and we made s'mores, and they left around 9:30.  I loved having them there, but I was kind of hoping they would leave soon, because I so desperately needed to go take a shower.  When I came back from the shower Ryan and Em were both asleep on our bed.  So when he woke up from his catnap, he carried her into her bed and then I went to bed with her.  I was nervous about her being too close to the edge, and since we couldn't find a bed rail, I decided to be the rail.  That was the worst sleep of my life.  I tried not to move much so I wouldn't wake her up, I didn't have a blanket because hers was too small to share, and the bed is hard as a rock and hurt my back.  Around 5am I decided she was fine as she had barely moved all night, so I crawled back into our bed.

So the next day, Monday, we didn't do a whole lot.  It was kind of a lazy day.  We went back to Meijer to see if they had a bed rail, which they did, but once we got back we realized it was a smidge too long for the opening.  No biggie, we can use it at home once we convert the crib to a full size bed, but I was annoyed we still wouldn't have a rail for her that night.  It didn't fit to use it properly, but it did stay on the bed well enough to form a barrier that I hoped if she hit it during the night, she would roll over the other way.  We also needed a grill since Ryan didn't like the fire pit grill thing we bought.   In the outdoor/grill aisle we found one we liked, but they didn't have it in stock.  But then when we were in the camping aisle they had more grills, and Ryan found the one he originally wanted.  Unlike the other one, it had fold out legs, kind of like an ironing board, it could be pulled on wheels once it was folded up, and it was cheaper.  Score!  So we got that, and we also decided we needed two of those pillow things that have a back and arms.  I'm not sure what they're called, but we realized it was hard to watch TV in our bed laying down, and sitting up wasn't comfortable so we got those pillow things.  Perfect solution.  But between those, the grill, and a million other things we decided we needed for the camper, we had about a $1000 weekend between our 3 day shopping trips.  Ugh!

But, at least they are things we won't have to buy again.  Eventually we'll have everything we need, and trips there will only require the cost of groceries, which we would need at home anyway.  When we got back, we had lunch and then we all hung out in bed, watching a movie, enjoying the air conditioning.  I guess you cannot call what we do camping.  With a comfy bed, a TV, a DVD player, air, a full kitchen and bathroom....I guess glamping would be a better term.  Glamorous camping.  But the people next to us had an RV and they had a damn fireplace and their bedroom was actually a bedroom.  Ours is just basically a bed with two end tables on either side at one end of the camper, a wall at the foot of our bed where the TV goes, and curtains on each side to separate from the "living room"....but it is nice and gives us enough privacy and space away from the little one, especially for when she is older and wants to bring a friend.

Plus it is way better than the pop out beds on the camper we were originally looking at.  Ryan and I both had this irrational fear of some crazy person with a knife, cutting through the screens and killing us in our sleep.  I guess we watched too many horror movies about camping as kids.  We did look at a camper with a fireplace though, and we were really considering it.  I would have really liked it, but aside from our bed, we would have had no other actual beds, just couches that fold out into beds.  But it had a decent size living room, with the fireplace and a couch and two recliners.  That would have been very nice, because aside from our "couch" we have no real comfy place to sit.  I mean the benches at the table are nice, but you can't relax at a table.

But the thing I didn't like about the fireplace one was, we wouldn't really be able to enjoy the living room because we would constantly have a bed folded out in the middle of it.  It would be a good option for some empty nesters or couples with no kids, but not for us.  But I do love fireplaces.  I would LOVE to have one in our house.  I might just have to settle for a fake one someday when we finish the basement.  Once we got up from a little nap, I took Emily for a walk.  We played at the playground for a bit, we walked down to the beach and she splashed around in ankle deeper water for a little while.  I was taking pictures when she climbed up on the chair behind me, so I took a picture of the two of us, but I couldn't see it because of the glare from the sun.  Later when I was looking at the pics, I discovered that she had this crazy look on her face with her tongue sticking out in the picture.  How funny!

Then we left the beach and walked along the path that goes around the lake.  The total path is 3.2 miles all around, but we obviously couldn't do that right then.  We only walked a little bit and then we headed back and cut through the campground coming back.  I was trying to familiarize myself a little more, to figure out how to get everywhere.  When we first got there, we were very overwhelmed and lost, but by that first night we got all of the roads figured out and how to get back to our camper.  I can't wait to take my bike and the trailer next time and bike around the lake, that will be great exercise.  So I can eat all the s'mores!!!  I actually am not a huge fan of s'mores.  I'd rather eat all the ingredients separately.  When we walked back to camp, Ryan was grilling steaks for dinner.  I put corn on the cob in the microwave and put beans on the stove top.  It all came out great.  Once our dinner settled, we made hobo pies.  Ryan had bought these things that you stick right in the fire pit, they open up, you put the food in and then cook it right in the fire.  You can make pies, pizza, breakfast burritos (dinner burritos too I suppose).  It was good.  It'll be fun to experiment with different pie fillings and different breads, and recipes.

That night at bedtime we put on Madagascar and we all watched in our bed.  Emily was cracking up, she loved it.  She fell asleep close to the end, which was perfect timing.  The next day we slept in, and then had breakfast.  We decided to take one last trip to the beach, and I told Ryan he was coming whether he liked it or not.  He wouldn't swim, but I was just happy he came with.  He did come walk in the water with us up to his knees, so we just hung out at his depth so it was like he was swimming.  For the past two years, I've been so unhappy with how I look in a swimsuit, so I have just been wearing swim shorts and a nursing tank.  The tank fits me and it's long enough that I don't have to worry about my tummy popping out.  But I figured I had better buy a real suit in case we ever go swimming someplace that insist I wear an actual swim suit instead of a nursing tank (it's so much more flattering though).

So I ordered one online, and I went by measurement sizes, which are often wrong, but I needed to start somewhere.  It's hard to order clothes online because I have no hips, so if I go by my hip measurement, they would be way too small everywhere else.  And waist size wasn't really an issue because this tankini top is flowy, rather than the style that clings to your belly.  So I basically went by chest size....but I think women who have the same size chest as me, are naturally bigger all over.  I don't naturally have a huge chest.....it's not small, but I'm not naturally the size I currently am.  I'm just fat.  If I lost weight, my boobs would shrink and they would be a very manageable size.  Not tiny, but not "flop one over your shoulder so you can see you toes" kinda big.  So anyway, the suit comes the other day and I try it on.  The top is definitely roomy, not at all clingy like bathing suits are supposed to fit (which may be an issue if it floats off of me in the water).  But I don't think it is so big that I can't wear it.  I have another one coming, I'll keep whichever one looks best on me.  But then I held up the bottoms.  They were enormous!  They looked like the panties Jack Black held up when he was dating Gweneth Paltrow in Shallow Hal!  Again, I am smaller on the bottom than I am on top, so I just had to laugh when I saw how big the bottoms are.  No offense to ladies who do wear them, after all, I am fat too, I'd just never seen something for me that was that big.  I sometimes need a 2X shirt, but I can wear medium to large bottoms.  Which kind of sucks, you end up looking like humpty dumpty.  But, I am back on track.  I lost 3.5 lbs this week, and I think I am ready to get serious again to get this weight off.

So after the beach we headed back and started packing up.  We had a lot to do because we were too lazy to do the dinner dishes the night before.  The camground people would be moving our camper back to storage the next day, so when I put stuff away I had to find secure places so things wouldn't fall over and break or leak liquids everywhere.  So I did all the inside stuff while Ryan packed everything up outside and started closing the camper up.  It was so nice to leave there, and be home 45 minutes later.  We're used to having a 3.5-4 hour drive after going away for the weekend.  I'm definitely excited for the next time we go back.  We had a few scares with Emily over the weekend though.  We're not used to being someplace where we have to watch her so closely.  We're always either at home, in the yard, at someone else's home, or someplace in public where she is holding our hands or in the stroller.  So being at our home away from home, it was scary because you want to give her freedom to play, but the road is not far away and there are strangers in every direction just 30 feet away.

So the first scare came the first night when we were unpacking the truck.  When I walked away from the camper, to get more stuff from the truck, Ryan and Emily were both outside.  I must have heard a neighbor's door shut, because I thought I heard Ryan go inside but as I was walking back, I didn't see Emily anywhere, and I didn't figure she could have gone inside with him so quickly.  It takes her forever to walk up those stairs and get in the door.  So I threw my armload of stuff down and started running, calling her name....just then she comes toddling out from behind the camper, happy as a clam, with daddy in tow.  Whew, talk about a panic.

Then when we were packing up to leave, we were standing outside and Ryan was telling me something about packing up, when I suddenly looked around and there was no Em is sight.  I nervously said, where is Em?!  Ryan yelled out, Emily!  Then I looked down and she was literally standing right by my side.  Geeze, we're going to have to put a cat bell on her.  She also got way too close for our comfort to the fire pit on several occasions.  She knows what hot things are and to stay away, but I was worried if she tripped and fell she could fall in, so I wanted her to give the pit a wide berth.  So that is on our list too, something to put around the pit to keep her from getting too close.  But we had fun, I think we will really enjoy our home away from home and hopefully we'll be able to make years of great memories for Em.

Grateful for rainbows

I started this entry several days ago, and forgot to post it.  I couldn't sleep Thursday night, so I got out of bed around 5:30 to start my day and get a jump start on everything I had to do.  I was browsing pinterest while I took a break and I came across an article about 9 things women who battle infertility want you to know.  I was curious, so I read them.  Having been there, I understood, but at the same time, having come through the other side and having been blessed with a living child, it also made me.....what's the word.  Not angry, because like I said, I've been there.  I guess I felt the need to clear up a misconception.  The one that piqued my interest was the one that said women with infertility cannot handle hearing women complain about pregnancy or their children.

I know, I knooooow, I've been there.  It's so easy to assume that this ungrateful bitch has no idea how lucky she is, and if only I could get pregnant and have a kid, I would never take them for granted, not even for one second.  I know how easy it is to think that.  But it's simply not true.  Being pregnant can be awful.  I experienced some of the most painful things in my life when I was pregnant.  Round ligament pain (which I still get from time to time with a good sneeze, is that normal?), cervix checks, being manually dilated, having your pelvic bones spread before delivery which feels like you're vagina is sitting directly on a bike post without the seat, cramps from hell, that first time you get out of bed post-Csection once you're epi has worn off, the first time you sneeze after a csection....I could go on an on.  When I lost Kayla, I would have gladly taken any one or all of those things if it meant still being pregnant with her, and getting to keep her.

But...that doesn't mean those things are easy to deal with, and complaining about them doesn't make you a horrible ungrateful person.  So I felt the need to comment.  Not to prove I am right, not to be shitty to women who are hurting, just because I no longer suffering from infertility (but I will always hurt for Kayla and going through what we did will always have helped shape me to be who I am today), but to maybe offer the perspective of someone who has been there, and is now on the other side.  To maybe give them a way to think differently some times, to make themselves feel better.  No one has to think this way, it honestly does not hurt me if people see me in public being annoyed with my kid, and thinking I don't appreciate her, but it's got to be hell for them.  Just like you forgive people for your own well-being, not for theirs, I thought maybe I could offer a perspective that may help them feel a little less angry, hurt, and broken.  So I thought I would share what I wanted to comment (but didn't because it just became way too long):

What I am about to say is not to judge, or condemn you and other women for thinking this way.  But to hopefully offer a different perspective to maybe relieve some of the anger and anguish felt from infertility.  From start to finish it took three years to get my daughter, 21 months of infertility, one miscarriage, one stillbirth and a high risk pregnancy for multiple reasons.  Strangers may see me out in public with my daughter and think how lucky I am, and feel jealous of me, not knowing the struggles I went through to get her.  I realize that sadly for many women, infertility doesn't always have a happy ending, but please don't assume that everyone complaining about pregnancy or their children take them for granted.

I suppose some women do, but I know how blessed I am.  I think about my lost daughter every single day.  I look at my living daughter and think about how lucky I am to have her.  I may not feel that way all day, but I feel it every single day.  When the bad stuff happened, I wondered why me.  But when my daughter was born, I again wondered why me?  What had I done so great in my life to deserve this little girl?  Pregnancy IS hard, and throwing up all the time, hurting all the time, and worrying all the time is hard.  I had some good days in my last pregnancy, but at least some part of every single day was spent worrying.  Every cramp, every spot of blood, every weird feeling, I was terrified I would lose her.  I know, I've been there.  In the days after my stillbirth, there was nothing I wouldn't give to have felt those aches and pains again, but being grateful doesn't make them any easier to cope with, and feeling miserable and venting doesn't mean we are ungrateful.

Raising children is hard.  Everything you know, everything you do, everything you think, your parents had a hand in teaching you, showing you, and correcting you.  But many of us cannot remember back so far to our toddler years.  We think all that knowledge was just somehow magically bestowed on us.  Most of us have figured out ways to make it through the day while adequately communicating our needs and wants.  Some haven't, of course, but for the most part we forget that our little minions are just learning these things for the first time.  We're trying to have patients with new communicators, new do-ers, new learners, and it's hard to sit back and be cognizant of the fact that they aren't trying to ruin our day, they just simply are not and cannot be capable of behaving like the tiny human we are striving for them to be right now!  I love my daughter with all my heart, and I am so so appreciative of her and I am well aware of how lucky I am to have her, but when she burst into tears for the fifth time that morning because she dropped her doll (at her feet, where she could very easily bend and pick her up) or her cookie broke in two, or because I nicely told her to come away from whatever danger she was about to get herself into, it is impossible for any human being on this earth can keep calm and patient all the time with their children, and wanting one so badly because you cannot have one, does not give one super powers to combat against these hair-pulling moments.  You're not a bad parent when you get frustrated with your children, and getting mat or frustrated with them does not mean you do not love and appreciate them.

I sometimes think I would like to have another child, but the fear is stopping me.  The fear of infertility, that crushing defeat every month when the pregnancy test is negative, or those many months of not having a period, wondering if ovulation is ever going to happen, and if it does, you'll miss it because you're so irregular, it's difficult to catch the signs or take an OPK at exactly the right time.  Looking for an impending O after months and months of irregularity is like looking for a needle in a haystack.  The worry that once you do get pregnant, that you'll lose it.  People say once you're past first tri you're out of the woods.  Not for me, I lost my daughter at 22 weeks.  Even past that point, the love and support you get from baby loss support groups has a down side, you learn of ALL the other ways you can lose your baby, right up to the day you deliver and beyond.  I also worry that if I had another, I would be punished for being greedy, and something bad would happen...or that I am not allowed to want another, because I already have everything I could ever want in the world.

I realize these are your private thoughts, and you have every right to feel them.  And sometimes you need a villain, someone or something tangible to be angry at, because infertility and loss is no one's fault.  I completely understand that.  But perhaps some days, it will help to know everyone is fighting a battle of some kind.  The stressed out looking mom at the grocery store yelling at her kids, may be having a hard day because it is the anniversary of losing one of her children...or the mom playing at the park, looking absolutely enthralled with her child and so in love, is celebrating a good day, thinking about how lucky she is to have her child after going through infertility in the past.  When I lost my daughter, I stupidly looked up to see how many babies were born, and lived, at the hospital I gave birth at that same day.  Seven.  Seven other women gave birth and experienced the best day of their lives, as I was experiencing my worst.

I wondered, why did they get their take home babies?  How come they gave birth to a live baby and I did not?  But then I realized, perhaps all seven of those women were giving birth to their rainbow baby, after years of painful infertility and/or loss.  Some days this thinking didn't help, I NEEDED to be angry and bitter and feel bad, but some days it did, and it made it much easier to feel joy for them, and to give myself hope that one day, I too would be one of the women giving birth to a live baby.  In fact, the day I went in for my induction with my living daughter, on my way to my labor room, we passed a room with an angel on the door...the same angel that alerted people a year earlier that my room was not filled with joy.  I didn't know those people, but I prayed for them, and I knew how lucky I was, going to meet my miracle.  I hope you are able to experience the other side one day, to get that miracle I know you pray for every day.  My thoughts and prayers are with all women who cannot have the one thing they want in the world.