Day 5

Dammit, every fucking day there is something new.  So just since I wrote last on Sunday, the Aquarium closed, and all restaurants for dine-in service closed.  It doesn't really matter since we decided not to go anyway, but still.  Ryan suggested canceling Em's party, which I do not want to do so today I suggested to him that we separate the parties.  That way the already small number of guests will be even smaller, thus making everyone that much more comfortable to come.

Well, despite that, my brother and sister-in-law are not coming.  With them, and counting me and Em, that would be 7 people total.  I'm annoyed.  I know there are more important things than birthdays, but to a 6-year-old, their birthday IS a big deal, and in less than 5 days everything has been canceled left and right.  We, adults, are having a hard enough time with all of what's going on, so I cannot imagine how hard it has been on kids, and how hard it will continue to be on the kids.  It has only just begun.

My humble opinion is, I find it odd that they're not coming.  No one in the family is sick, and it would literally be 7 people...all close family that we trust.  I will be sure to clean all surfaces and doorknobs and everyone is being very diligent about hand washing, sneezing and coughing into our elbows, etc.  I know people have to do what is right for their family, but still.  This could go on for a very very long time it sounds like.  We HAVE to have something good, we HAVE to still live our lives to the best of our abilities.  Is it necessary to go get a pedicure...no, and if my appointment were tomorrow rather than last Saturday, I probably wouldn't go.  But I honestly don't see the harm in spending a couple hours with less than 10 people in your FAMILY to celebrate a little girl's birthday who has just lost a ton of what she enjoys.

Maybe I am being overly dramatic....so far she really does seem fine.  But I just want to give my little girl a damn birthday party.  But again, it's obviously their choice and they have to be comfortable with the choices they make, I'm just pissed off in general.  Literally, 6 days ago our lives were normal.  We went to work, school, we went shopping, out to dinner, to the park, we hung out with family and friends.  And now in just a matter of days, everything has changed.  We're being told we should not go ANYWHERE except maybe to get food.

We had a video conference with HR last night and we were told while a lot of cancellations have happened,  we are making every attempt to stay open in order to continue servicing our families (our clients, not OUR families).  Today we got a letter saying it is very likely we will have to shut down, and they are asking for volunteers to go on reduced hours or to go on furlough effective immediately.  I will not be doing that.  Anyone who is married and has another income earner in their house that can keep working or anyone that already works very limited hours per week can sign up first.  Besides, there are two steps to making money for my company.  1) see the client and 2) bill the insurance company.  If there are people who can no longer see any more clients because all of their have canceled, then it only makes sense for them to go first.  We can possibly still bill these appointments in order for the company to get paid.

I am not sure what that means for my job though.  My position is sort of a trickle-down spot....the first to get hit are of course the therapists who cannot work because their patients have canceled...or who cannot work as much.  But since I do billing, I may still have work to do because any appointment rendered yesterday and on cannot be billed until April 5th at the earliest.  I may not have as much work to do since many of my other job functions will not necessarily be needed, but just in a black and white perspective, I could still have at least 3 more weeks of work to do even if only at reduced hours.

However, that is all dependent on other entities such as Medicare.  Will Medicare still be accepting billing and paying out on billed claims?  If not, then my presence could be rendered unnecessary much sooner if I will not be billing current appointments in April.  So that adds to my stress level.  HR has assured us that everyone's job is safe regardless of what happens in the coming weeks and months.  Ok, that's awesome, and I believe them.  But...what happens if this goes on much longer than they think?  What happens if the shut down is not only 4 weeks, but more like 8 or 12...or longer?  What if when this is all over, my company which is a small business cannot recover?  Or at the very least, cannot recover with all 112 employees (or however many there are) that are currently employed by them?

On the one hand, I want to have blind faith.  This will all work out, we're all in the same boat.  But on the other hand, I am very worried.  Everyone is united now, everyone is willing to help, and reach out to their neighbor.  But what about 6 months from now, when companies are trying to get back on their feet, and have to collect your balance due in order for them to stay afloat?  I fear it will be every man for himself, and people will very quickly abandon the kumbaya attitude of all being in the same boat.  I would hate to lose my job and face the repercussions of not having any income...but in some ways, even more, I would hate to lose my job because I love my job.  I mean, LOVE my job.  Is it perfect?  No.  Would I continue to work there if tomorrow I won 8 billion dollars?  No, probably not.  But I have never had a job like this one before, and I would be fucking devastated if this mess caused me to lose it. 

On another note, I am so angry at just everything.  I am angry that our lives are being so disrupted and turned upside down IF this really is not something we need to declare a pandemic over.  I realize it sounds ridiculous to blame all this on the US's election year when other countries like Italy and China have been it so hard.  But, is comparing the US to these other countries really comparing apples to apples? Italy has the second oldest population on earth, and who is most at risk of being very sick and/or dying of this?  The elderly.  Their culture is also different...many young people live with or regularly see their older family members much more than younger people in the US and have a much better chance of catching the virus, be just fine, but infecting all of their older relatives.  The majority in the US do not live with extended family, and it can be very common to go weeks if not months between seeing extended family for most Americans, wherein a country like Italy, saying younger generations see their older family once a week might even be vastly underestimating how often this happens.

China, while roughly the same size as the US has 1.1 billion more people.  I also read somewhere that a lot more people smoke in China, and what does this virus do?  It attacks lungs.  Even if none of that matters and this is very serious and the US does need to take these drastic precautions, how the fuck can anyone expect most Americans to be able to trust and have faith in our media?  People are flabbergasted that people are not taking the warnings seriously and that they are not doing what the government and media recommend, but yet it has been many many years since the media could be trusted.

Even if you do not believe in Trump's claims of fake news, we have all read the ridiculous, overly sensationalized headlines, and then read the article only to find that the facts have very little to do with the headline, and in many cases, the headline is an outright lie or fabrication.  When I was a kid, if it was on the 6 o'clock news, you could pretty much bet the farm that it was true.  Yes, there were rag mags in the check out lanes at the grocery store, but the actual newspapers and local news was factual and you could be very confident that what they told us was the truth.  But that is no more, and it hasn't been that way for a long time.  Now, in addition to once reputable news sources flat out lying or exaggerating to make something more newsworthy, social media has brought with it a million new "news sources" that often are 110% bullshit.

We also just watched this past fall a president being put through the most ridiculous impeachment trial our country has ever seen.  I really don't want to get political in here, but even if you are absolutely against the president and were in favor of the impeachment, you cannot deny that they have been trying to impeach and/or overturn the election results in any possible way they could since before he was even sworn in.  Fine, you don't like him.  Fine, you think he's a horrible president.  But like it or not, our country has a system that has been in place for hundreds of years, and the people voted.  Sometimes, your man loses. 

But to completely declare that the system now no longer works for the first time in the history of our country just because you don't like the person who was voted in goes against everything this country stands for.  So I'm sorry, but a lot of people have had a lot of good reasons to not initially trust the media and the government.  When the media runs stories like "People (um, probably one person that whined about it) are outraged over blackface concerns and calling stores racist for selling black pumpkins", then yeah, I have no fucking faith that the media is capable of printing true stories or has the publics' best interest in mind.  Even my 6-year-old daughter understands that when you cry wolf for years, suddenly no one believes you when you tell the truth.

So I am not really mad at my brother and sister-in-law for not coming, but I'm just so angry and stressed and worried about the future when our lives have been turned upside down in under a week, and I just wanted to give my baby a goddamn birthday party.  Today I saw that Party City has now closed, so now I cannot even get the damn balloons I had ordered for Saturday.

Oh, by the way, last night I coughed.  Which made me nervous, and so I coughed some more.  Within 10 minutes I was coughing more and more, and I was certain my chest was burning some.  But then I realized no, it was my heart racing.  I was so damn nervous that I was coming down with this fucking virus, that my initial cough actually caused me to cough more....and then the more anxious I got, the more my heart began to race, which also made me cough because my heart racing was uncomfortable so my body decided I needed to cough to make it go away.  I am not really concerned at all with getting this virus, but I am praying if I do get it, it's after Saturday so maybe at least 2 or 3 people will still come to her party.  Once I started watching TV and getting my mind off it, I stopped coughing almost altogether, and my heart slowed down some.  Today I feel perfectly fine and have no cough at all.  Yeah, I have anxiety, but overall I consider myself to be a very mentally healthy person.  So if all this stress and panic can cause my anxiety to raise so much that I actually made myself cough a lot for over an hour and for my heart to race for several hours, I cannot imagine what it is doing to people who have actual serious mental health conditions. 

Ok, and now because I desperately need it, I will find some silver linings.  1) My dad and stepmom and stepsister are coming to the party.  So if all else fails, I know they will be there to help my sweet girl celebrate.  2) If my job does shut down and I have very reduced hours or no hours at all, I will at least be able to spend more quality time with Emily.  I also have a ton of home improvement projects and cleaning I can do.  I'll have no income, but hey, maybe I'll finally have a clean basement!

3). My baby is the epitome of positivity and excitement.  Despite not getting to go to school and see her friends, and not getting to go to swim class and not getting to go out to celebrate her birthday, and not having her dad or dad's side of the family at her party (they will presumably have their own party the following weekend and he is coming over on the day of her birthday to celebrate) she has not missed a beat of staying positive and happy.  She is so damn excited about her birthday, despite all the changes, and I need to remind myself to try to take in some of her positive vibes.  Some of it may just be the blissful ignorance of being a child, but you could give her a rock and she would be so appreciative and grateful to have received this wonderful rock.  I love my baby so much and I will do everything in my power to keep her positive and to not let the uncertainty of our future scare her and cause her any stress. 

Ugh, I need a drink.  Luckily my wine cabinet is fully stocked. 

Day 3

Day 3 of the apocalypse:  Emily just came home from her dad's, so really my hell has only just begun, lol.  Alright, I'm going to say this one last time and I will consider this point covered for the duration of the crisis.  I love Emily.  A ton.  She is my world.  But I am terrified of spending these next 4 weeks with her, haha.  I dreaded summer enough as it was, but that would have just been her home, while I'm working.  But now, I've got her home, I have to work, AND I have to teach/supervise her school lessons.  If I have any sanity by the end of this month, it will be a miracle.

But, silver linings...I am not a happy, skipping, annoyingly positive person.  In fact, my sister-in-law quite often shakes her head and has alluded to the fact that I am like Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec, and also some DJ that she listens to that "hates" everything.  That being said, I do always try to look for the silver lining in things.  So, the ones I have found thus far....1) my dad/stepmom and my ex-inlaws will each be watching Emily one day a week.  So that's two glorious days a week that I can work in peace, and not deal with her homework.  That should give me some energy to tackle the other three days and it should give her more willingness to entertain herself when she's home..  2) I only have one child and she is a relatively good kid.  So yes, I know some people are looking down the barrel of the gun of 3 long weeks with multiple children.  All I can say to that is, you should have thought about the possibility of a quarantine/homeschool/pandemic situation after that first kid...just saying.

3) As insane as it makes me to think that they are going ahead with spring break (thus adding a 4th week to the school closing) I will say that after 3 weeks of this shit, I will be happy to have that week of no school work.  I'd be even happier if the little rugrats were back in school, but I digress. 

I thought I had a 4th silver lining, but I guess I do not.  Oh yes, I do....I just spent a good 30-45 minutes organizing Emily's homework packet, breaking up each lesson and assignment into days and weeks and labeling them so the grandparents (nor I) will get confused.  As much as I am dreading this, the nerd in me is also a little excited about going through the checklist each day and helping her complete her assignments.  Ask me on Tuesday if I am still excited and that answer may change.

So I had a decent weekend.  Friday I picked up dinner and I am on Season 2 of my biennial re-watch of The Sopranos.  It is my all-time favorite show.  Saturday I got a pedicure, and then I went to Party City to get stuff for Em's birthday party.  Just from what I have seen on FB, there are two camps regarding this.  There are people like me who are still trying to live their life, but cautiously.  I feel like I had good hygiene before, but now I am really trying to be conscious of not touching my face, washing my hands way more and of course, I will avoid really crowded places.  Then there are the people who are screaming GOOD GOD PEOPLE, STAY HOME, ARE YOU CRAZY??? 

Ok, if you are elderly, or regularly see/care for someone who is, then yes.  Seriously limit the places you go to.  If you have a compromised immune system, same answer.  For the rest of us, I think avoiding very crowded places, upping the handwashing regimen and just being more conscious about what you touch is enough.  Let's not forget that mental health is also important, and if you can risk going out some, then you should.  We're also just coming out of winter (and still in it actually) where we are already indoors more,  when seasonal depression is more common, and suicide rates are higher.  If you think you need to stay in your house 24/7 except to get groceries, then by all means.  No one is dragging unwilling people out of their homes.  But I choose to be a little more level headed and balance my life some. 

My regular nail lady was out as she was experiencing some symptoms, so I am pretty confident that the salon is taking it seriously and not making possible sick people come in.  I used sanitizer when I first walked in, and I washed my hands when I got home.  Party City was not very crowded at all...probably the closest I got to anyone was when I checked out, for all of 2 minutes.  Again, I washed my hands when I got home.

Today was a beautiful day so before I picked up Emily, I took a drive out to my mom's cemetery.  I was surprised, I only came across a handful of other cars.  Now that is probably the safest place to be, I guarantee you nobody at the cemetery has Coronavirus, lol.  And of the 5 or so people I did come across, they were all in their vehicles, at least 100 yards away if not more. 

So this Thursday is Emily's birthday.  We were going to take her to the aquarium, that oddly enough we have spent 2 other birthdays at, and then have dinner at The Rainforest Cafe.  As of today, both are still open and are limiting the number of people allowed and spacing people apart.  But, when I mentioned to Ryan that we should have a backup plan in case they do close, he suggested we just put it off for another day.  Eh, I'm bummed, and I'm annoyed that Em doesn't get to go out and celebrate her birthday, but it likely wouldn't be as much fun is he isn't happy about going.

And while I do think the hype and panic is way overdone for most people, he does work in a hospital.  He isn't in the medical field, but he is IN the hospital all day every day.  For someone like me who won't be going to work and is cautious about the places I do go, I think it's fine.  But seeing as he does work at the very hospital that many of Michigan's confirmed cases are or have been, it's probably very smart to limit his outings a lot more.  And, the way things are closing left and right, they may not even be open still come Thursday.  So instead he'll bring some take out for dinner and she can open her presents.  She'll probably be fine with that because she'll want to stay home and play with the Nintendo Switch anyway.

So Saturday we're having her birthday party...it'll be small, just us, our parents, siblings and my friend.  Less than 15 people.  But he thinks we should cancel, and he quoted "for our parents' sake at least".  Ummm, well he lives with his parents, so it's not like canceling the party will keep them safe from possible exposure and I really don't think my parents are worried about it.  It's a small number of people and I would think we can trust that we have all been cautious and would not come if at all sick.  But, convincing him is sometimes like talking to a wall.  I told him we can revisit the idea later in the week, but I think I will suggest having separate parties. 

I've already got food for it, I've already done a lot of cleaning...yes the food I bought will keep, but I also just don't want to cancel.  She's already missing out on celebrating at school, on just plain going to school which is fun when you're in Kindergarten, her swim school just closed so she won't have lessons for the next 3 weeks, and we cannot go out on her actual birthday.  I don't want to take this away from her too.  So if he wants to cancel he can, but I think I will still have my family over as long as they're all feeling fine, and then when he has her the weekend after they can celebrate how they chose to.

I really wanted to keep the parties joint for as long as we can and for as long as we're getting along, but these are extenuating circumstances.  We can always try again next year to have a joint party. 

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

Fun fact, this song (see title) was playing in my car as I arrived to my very first job interview when I was 16.  So fitting. 

So, 3 weeks home with the kids.  Awesome.  In the movie Signs, when Joaquin was watching the news, the male anchor finished up his report, and then said "May God be with you all".  They should have played that clip after the Governor announced that she was ordering all K-12 schools in the state to close for 3 weeks.

Oh wait I mean, I love Emily, I can't wait to spend that much time with her.....*crickets*.

Actually, it wouldn't be that bad if I didn't also have to work.  I really envy stay at home parents right now.  It wasn't for me long term, but it would be so much easier for the coming weeks.  It's so hard to expect an almost 6-year-old to entertain herself for 7 hours of the day, every day.  Understandably she gets bored and lonely.

Originally I was bummed that this damn virus and ensuing panic is messing up her birthday.  She won't get to celebrate at school, and I am worried about the plans we had for the day of being canceled due to closures.  But, at least my kid will have all new toys to play with as of next week.  Haha, what are all you suckers gonna do?  JK....sort of.

We got her the Nintendo Switch, and Super Mario Deluxe U.  I had better not hear the phrase, "I am bored" for a very very long time.  But, as of now the aquarium we want to take her to on her birthday is still open, and even if the restaurant we plan to go to closes, there are other restaurants we can go to I am sure, even if it's just take-out.

We're not having a huge party, just immediate family over for cake and ice cream, and I think everyone is grounded enough to be fine with coming to a gathering of fewer than 15 people without worrying that we'll all die.  I am also lucky that I have two sets of parents that can probably take her 1-2 days a week so that just leaves 3 days that I have to try to work with her home...and if need be, I CAN work some at night if she's having a particularly rough day of needing my attention.  I don't like to work at night, but it is at least an option.

So it's way easier for me than most people, and I am thankful for that.  I already work from home, and while I do go into the office twice a week, I can indefinitely work from home exclusively which is what I will be doing for the next 4 weeks at least (oh yeah, the day they are supposed to return back is the start of spring break, and they announced today they WILL be off for spring break).  But today I had a thought.  I can work anywhere so this doesn't affect me like it does some who have to go into work in order to do their job.  But, I have work to do from home, because other people (our therapists) go into the clinic to provide therapy to kids.  As of right now, our clinics are staying open.  But what happens if we do have to close and no clients are being seen?  How can they pay me, if they are not taking in any money?

I did read about the President trying to pass something to give paid time off to people who need it, but will it pass?  And if it does, how much will it be?  Paying bills isn't always so easy right now, not to mention if this paid time off is a fraction of what we usually make.  What if there are a bunch of stipulations that a bunch of people won't meet to qualify.  What if the mere fact that I do work from home disqualifies me, even if a shut down of our business leaves me with no work to do?

In some ways, I want to have blind faith that it will all work out, and we're all in the same boat more or less so it's not like this is only happening to a select few.  But it is still scary.  We were in a booming economy, the stock market was at all-time highs, and now I refuse to even think about looking at my IRA because I am too scared.  I won't even get into conspiracy theories because I feel like a complete whackadoo even considering them, but I'd be lying if I didn't say a lot of things have crossed my mind.

And the thing is, I am not scared of the virus at all.  I still don't believe it is anything to even worry about, much less shut the whole country down over.  But I am worried about the fall out from all this panic and the consequences of just mass hysteria.  It did make me feel a little better to go out and grab take out this evening...the roads are still full of cars, driving home from work, going to dinner, running errands....while Target WAS out of toilet paper and other essentials, people weren't running around the store like psychos, punching people over TP and hand sanitizer.  Emily's swim lessons are still on for tomorrow as of now.  My pedicure appointment for tomorrow is still on.  Most people agree that this is all insanity and nothing more than any other illness that unfortunately does in older people with health issues.

But, this is just the beginning.  On Wednesday, I literally felt zero anxiety over it all.  Yesterday, it went up a lot.  As people are out of work and school for a week or more, is the hysteria going to set in more?  Will there ever be toilet paper on the shelf again?  How long will it take our economy to recover from this?  It's just all scary, and it makes me so angry to think this could all be happening when the virus and the death rate does not warrant it.  I mean, anytime people die it's horrible.  But if this really is no different than the unfortunate cases of people who die from the flu every year, then it is really really fucked up that they're blowing it up to be so much bigger.  And as far as the actual virus goes for healthy, youngish people that get it, it doesn't even sound all that bad.  From what I am reading, the two upper respiratory infections I had in the last year sounds like they were way way way worse (in terms of feeling like absolute shit).

Ok, I'm done talking about it.  In better news, my premature post about Emily wearing underwear to bed was not jumping the gun.  She's worn undies to bed 24 nights in a row now and has only had one accident.  I'm soooo excited!  So maybe the money I save on Pull-ups now can be put toward the insane prices for toilet paper.  I always knew she'd be out of pull-ups one day....my favorite parenting advice is to remember that no kid ever went away to college still doing _______(insert thing you're struggling with).  But still, after 6 years of diapers and pull-ups, it's like an unreal dream come true to be done with them.  I still haven't returned the last package that was shipped to us...I'm still too nervous, lol.  But, I do still have a half a package and a still sealed package, so it's not like returning that one would leave us with NO pull-ups, thus temping the Gods, lol.

Well, at least I do get a break from Em every other weekend, and since this weekend was his, I've only got two weekends with her during this mess and he's got 3, so that worked out nicely.  Haha, I really do love my kid...honest!  But I love her even more after getting a short break from her.

It's also hard to think of her being out of school all that time since we've only been back to school for what, 3 weeks since winter break.  And, this week she was off Tuesday for primaries, yesterday was a half-day for Kindergarten Roundup, and she didn't go today.  So 4 weeks off, and she only went 2.5 days this week.  Plus a couple weeks ago there were those two days they called for snow when we barely had more than a dusting.  I bet they're real proud of themselves for making that call now.

Her school was actually open today, but I kept her home.  I really wanted to send her, but a part of me was worried there would be almost no one there and she would be freaked out and scared.  I am trying to minimize this as much as possible so she doesn't get scared, and so far she seems like she really doesn't give a shit about any of it, so that's good.  But I worried that if the school was 80% empty, that in and of itself would scare her, especially once she learned the school would be canceled for the next month.  Everyone online was freaking out that they were still open today and saying they weren't sending their kids but as it turns out it sounds like they still had a pretty good turn out considering.

But honestly, the main reason I did not send her....we had a tough day yesterday.  With trying to work while she was home in the afternoon, and then the rising anxiety of all this panic, and then being pissed off that we needed just a regular replenishment of TP but there is none anywhere because people are selfish assholes....I was not in a great mood yesterday, and she has been having a listening problem lately.  I have to tell her two, three, four times before she will listen, or I have to lose my shit and yell.

I am not a mom who feels bad for disciplining their child.  She's not listening and not doing what I tell her to do, or not do, and there are consequences.  But I do feel bad when I lose my temper and yell.  All night I was wracked with guilt over being such an out of control psycho.  Most of the time it just rolls off her back, and she's got a two seconds rebound rate before she's either not listening again, or climbing all over me and telling me how much she loves me.  So I'm probably being way too hard on myself and she's fine, but still, I worry that maybe this will be the time that I yell where she loses a little....I dunno, love?  Respect?  Trust?  I hate it, and I am working on not being a yeller, but on days like yesterday where a million things are piling on my shoulders, I don't always win against myself.

So anyway, with it being Ryan's weekend, I would have gotten her off to school, and he would have picked her up from school and had her till Sunday, and after feeling like shit all night about losing my temper, I just couldn't bear the thought of hugging her goodbye outside of school and not seeing her for two days.  Obviously, if today were a regular day, not on the verge of an apocalypse, I would have sucked it up and sent her to school, but today I used the excuse of "eh, their closing for 4 weeks, what's one extra day" so I could be with my baby and snuggle her.

No more?

I know it's probably too damn early to talk about this, but I don't care.  This morning Emily woke up dry for the third day in a row wearing....underwear!!  Halleluiah!

For the past couple of months, her pull up has been dry 4-6 mornings a week so she is back to the success rate she had been at before Ryan moved out.  I was going to wait till her pull up was consistently dry 7 days a week for several weeks before calling it and switching to underwear.  But then I had a thought...while I do wholeheartedly believe she is peeing in her sleep and it is not a conscious decision, I did wonder if maybe her pull up was a subconscious crutch. 

She was dry most days, but maybe the days she woke up wet her body knew there was a backup.  Like....she's doing well enough to be dry most days, but it wasn't a big deal on the few nights she did pee in her sleep because so what, it's just a wet pull up.  She was used to that.  There have been a handful of times in the last 6 months or so that we just plain forgot to put a pull up on before bed, and all those times she woke up dry.

Those could have been coincidences and she would have been dry no matter what....or, maybe her subconscious was like oh hey, she doesn't have a diaper on, I can't just give in and go.  I know that sounds a little crazy, but I think the subconscious is a powerful thing.  She's been on winter break this week, so I thought it was a good time to test it out so if she did wet the bed, we wouldn't have to deal with it on a busy school morning.

Sunday night she spent the night at my dad's because I had to be at a work conference early the next morning and it was an hour's drive, so she stayed with him and then he just watched her all day while I was at the conference.  I figured it wasn't the best idea to start it then in a bed other than her own...and it's been quite a while since she stayed the night there, so I didn't want any unfamiliarity to have an effect. 

The tricky thing is, she's staying the night with him again tonight.  She was going to go there tomorrow so I could go into the office, but she had so much fun the other night, she requested another slumber party for tonight.  We're going to stick with the underwear thing, and hopefully being in a different bed won't affect things....but at least she did just spend the night there a few days ago, so that ought to help with being more comfortable.  And if all fails, we just try again the next night at home. 

I do believe kids have to be ready and their bodies have to be ready, but I wanted to test my theory of using the pull up as a crutch and if it didn't work it just meant I did a shit ton of laundry and go back to pull-ups every night.  Hopefully, we can just be pull up free from here on out, and if she does have an accident here and there, we just wash the sheets and move on.  After all, when you're day training and the kid has an accident, you don't just toss up your hands and go back to diapers full time.  So as long as she continues to be dry most days, we'll just keep at it and hope that waking up wet and yucky will be the deterrent she needs to wake up dry more and more till she's dry all the time.

Ugh, if this could be it, if I don't have to buy any more pull-ups I would be so happy.  Nobody tells you this stuff before you have kids.  I was so damn cocky when I got her potty trained at 2.  When I worked at the daycare, I hated the potty trainers (well not the kids themselves).  I would rather do all the diaper changes than deal with the trainers.  So when it came to my own kid, I was seriously dreading having to potty train her, but it went amazingly well.  Aside from the very occasional accident, she was fully day trained within 3-4 weeks.  I thought yes, I got this, I rock at this motherhood/potty training thing.  And then she was still in pull-ups for night time FOR 4 MORE YEARS!

Now granted, she was almost there...she was dry 4-6 days a week when she was 4, but then Ryan and I split up and she seriously regressed.  So had it not been for that, I think she would have been pull-up free a long long time ago, but such is life.  Had we stayed together, our constant fighting would have affected her in other ways and more seriously. 

I think it's a great sign that she even asked if she can wear underwear to bed at her dad's house too.  I have her this weekend, so by the time he has her again, I should know how well she's doing and as long as she's dry most days I hope he will just risk having to do laundry and not put her back in a pull up if she has an accident.  I'm not sure how successful we'll be if she's in underwear every night except 4-5 nights a month at his house.  But we'll see.  Think good thoughts and pray for me that I never have to buy pull-ups again, lol.

Dreams

I had a dream last night that I had another baby, and she was Emily's clone.  It was like raising Emily all over again.  I told my stepmom about it today, and she said you were dreaming of Kayla.  Until she said that, I hadn't even considered that possibility, but now that I thought about it, current-day Emily was not in the dream.  I just wanted to share that, before I forgot.

Time is precious

Whaaaaat?  Two posts in one week?  Yep, getting a start on my new year's resolution to blog more.  Or maybe I just heard a topic on the radio that I wanted to write about.

So I was supposed to go into the office yesterday, but my supervisor told me if it was snowy, not to bother.  Ok!  I still have to go in tomorrow, but Ann Arbor traffic sucks on a good day, so I gladly avoid it when there is snow.  I still had to take Emmy to my dad's though...she swears she will just play and be fine, but she gets so bored and impatient when she is home all day when I am working.  I'm sure she had more fun at Baba's anyway.

So I was driving home, and one of the DJs on the radio was talking about her daughter's recent win with her dance group and how sad she was that she had to miss it.  Then they all got talking about their kids' stuff they have to miss because of work and how hard it is to be a working parent and the guilt that comes along with missing some of your kid's events and milestones.

First let me say, there are downsides to working from home....I don't get as much social interaction, it can be isolating to work from home, and far too tempting to be a bum and stay in pj's all day.  You also need the motivation and discipline to work when you don't have a boss nearby and I've worked many many late nights in order to be free when Em needs me.

But, I feel so very lucky that working from home allows me to spend so much time with her.  I only went back to my old job for two months after maternity leave, so I was there with her so much of the time since birth.  I got to see all of her firsts....the first time she rolled over, the first time she pulled herself to stand, I got to see her progression of being able to sit up by herself, and teach her so many things.  I was there for her first word, her first steps, and we got to just hang out and play and cuddle when she was tiny.  Even when I went back to work, that first year I only worked 10-15 hours per week so I still had a ton of time to be with her.

Even now, aside from when she is with her dad, I am available to take her to school and pick her up every day, I can re-arrange my workday if she is sick and needs to stay home or go to a doctor.  I can be at parent/teacher conferences, and school recitals...

I won't lie though, making it on one income is tough and I don't make what I could for having a Master's degree.  I don't even work 40 hours...I work 35 a week because working 40 would mean I have to go into the office 3 days a week instead of the 2 I do now.  Yes, every bit more I make helps, but by the time you figure in my commute time, gas, and the miles on my lease, that extra 5 hours per week is more like 2.  Even then 2 more hours pay/week would be better than nothing right, but the days I go into the office, I cannot get my full 7 hours in.  In order to pick up Em from school, I have to leave early, and that means working more from home later on.  Working 1, maybe 2 nights a week after Em goes to bed isn't horrible, but I really don't want to make it 3 nights a week.  Since Em started school and I can work while she is in school, and the number of nights I have to work has decreased a lot so I really don't want to go backward and have to work more nights again.

Don't get me wrong, I make enough to cover bills but I have to seriously budget to make sure they're covered and that leaves very very little extra to do any fun stuff.  Anything unexpected or out of the norm like having to buy someone a birthday gift or a cost that I forgot about like license plate tab renewals or something throws a serious wrench into my budgeting.  But I make it work and I am thankful to at least have enough to cover essentials. But I do occasionally get angry that I cannot even "go nuts" from time to time and spend an extra $20 at Target on non-essentials, and I am seriously jealous of people that can just decide to jet off on a getaway for the weekend, or even take one or more real vacations a year.  I am currently saving up to take Em to Disney again (for a trip she'll remember this time).....for 3 years from now.  Yep, I've been saving for a year and it will take another 3, and I am not even sure if I'll have enough by then, but dammit, I will take my baby to see Minnie again!

Sometimes I think about the fact that I could be much more financially secure if I got a job with a salary that is more in line with my level of education.  But, I would miss out on a lot of Emily's stuff.  I wouldn't be able to take her to school and pick her up....I would miss out on that adorable face that breaks out into a smile when she sees me waiting for her outside her classroom.  I'd miss out on her running to me and hugging me.  I'd have to depend on my parents and ex-inlaws to get her to school and pick her up, and also likely pay for a before and after school program some days (which oddly enough, Em wants to go to).  I'd have to take PTO to stay home with her on a sick day, or go to a conference, or see her perform in a concert.  I wouldn't have lazy days like I had Monday when I get to be home with her all day while working from the comfort of my recliner.

Money is great, and financial security is awesome, but before I know it Emily will be all grown up and on her own.  We only get one lifetime with our kids, and I love how much time I get to spend with her now.  My job allows me to afford our essentials and some non-essentials and I enjoy my job too.  There may be people making 6 figures and can buy whatever they want, but are miserable every second at work.  The best thing my job gives me is time with my Emmy-do and that is priceless.  I pinned this quote the other day, and it's so very true..."The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it". 

Maybe my new years resolution should be to blog more than just twice a year.  Seriously, I cannot get my shit together to update this.

So the first half of Kindergarten has gone well.  I cannot believe the year is half over already.  Em has so much fun at school and is learning a lot.  I see so much improvement on things like her drawings and reading.  She's got a lot of sight words down, so hopefully she will be reading by the end of the school year.

Halloween, while fun, was a miserable cold, rainy, windy day.  I had that week off work, so I painted my living room.  Not exactly a vacation, but our new furniture didn't match the old paint, and that room hadn't been painted since we moved in ten years ago so it was in need of a new coat.  I have never been the best painter in the world, but compared to the crap job we did the first time (it was the couple weeks we were painting and fixing stuff before moving in, so I can only assume we rushed it because we were sick of painting) I must say, I did a damn good job.  The only mistakes I made were either fixed right away or are not noticeable.  I love it.

So Ryan came over and we took Emily trick or treating together.  A far cry from the previous year when I had to get out all my tears after mediation before seeing Em, and not even wanting to be in the same room as Ryan.  What a difference a year can make.  He somehow talked me into doing a family costume, so Emily was Mal from The Decendents, I was Maleficent and he was Hades.  Em loved it, but sorry, I won't be doing that again, lol.  I hated spending $60 on a costume I wore for one hour, and my gown was too big and too long.  I had to hold the umbrella in one hand, and hold my wadded up gown in the other so I wasn't walking on it.  My horns also kept bumping into my umbrella and kept falling off.  But Emily had fun, and got a decent haul despite not too many people handing out candy.  Then the three of us went to dinner afterward.

A couple weeks later my grandma, my last living grandparent, passed away so Em and I headed up north for her funeral.  Emily did well, it was her first official funeral.  She went to my SIL's dad's funeral in August, but there was only mass at the church, no funeral home, and he was cremated so no body or coffin so I am not sure she entirely understood it was a funeral.

So coming home from up north we got hammered with snow.  I was not pleased to come home to a LOT of snow on our driveway, and the fact that I had to get out of the car and tromp through it in just tennis shoes to open the gate so we could get in the garage.  Trying to open the gate against all that snow was not easy.  I still had to work the next day because ya know....no excuse when you work from home.  But I had been planning on going into the office that day and the clinic was closed and Emily had a snow day as well, so it was at least nice to not have to get up early and rush out the door.  It was also the first day of Disney +, so once I got the snow blown, we watched lots of Disney movies while I worked in the living room on my laptop.

Early November is very early for a snow like that, so I was very pleased when it melted within a week.  We've had some pretty bitter temps since then, but nothing more than a light dusting of snow that made me clean off the car a little and was melted by noon.  Now this whole week leading up to Christmas and since has been in the upper 40's, 50's and I think it even hit 60 one day.  I normally love a white Christmas, but now that snow removal is all on me, I am beyond fine without it.  I would be thrilled if we didn't get another flake of snow for the rest of winter.  I am sure that won't happen, but ya never know. 

Christmas was great this year, I did a ton of stuff with Emily and carried on traditions we have been doing for years and also started some new ones.  In December, an Imax theater near us plays The Polar Express every night and we started the tradition last year and went again this year.  If the kids wear their pj's, they get free popcorn (which we did not know last year) so we went to see that one day after school.  Emily was sooooo excited.  Man, I remember how amazing Christmas was as a kid, and it was truly amazing, but seeing it through my little girl's eyes and seeing how excited she gets is 100 times better than experiencing it myself.  I wouldn't let Emily watch the movie at home before we saw it in the theater so it would be more magical, seeing it on the big screen for the first time of the season.

We also baked cookies one Saturday, went to a Christmas light fest that we've done every year since she was a baby and watched tons of Christmas movies at home.  The first Friday night in December we went out to dinner and then went and got our Christmas tree.  I know some women just choose not to or cannot, but I do my very best to not let Em miss out on stuff we would have done if her dad and I were still together.  I am thankful the guys at the tree lot are willing and able to tie the tree to the roof of my car, but I climb up and drag the son of a bitch off my car and into the house.  I did go for a slightly smaller tree this year....I scraped the ceiling with it last year I and I spent many arduous hours painting the ceiling, I was not about to scratch it up this year, but it was still surprisingly heavy.  Going to get our tree as a kid was one of my favorite things to do and Emmy loves to go pick out a real tree, so I will drag it inch by inch if I have to.  I do park in the backyard though and bring it in the back so my neighbors don't see me wrestling with it, lol.

The bad news is, at 5 she already seems to be doubting (or at least is forming some suspicion) over all things Santa.  She still LOVES Christmas and Santa and she still believes, but I noticed a change in her this year.  Last year I bought a second Elf on the Shelf for her dad to keep at his place, and we just told her it's the same elf and she flies back and forth between houses.  But when I was over there picking her up one day, I said oh look, Mixi is here.  She matter of factly says that's not Mixi, that's a different elf.  Her dad and I played dumb and said no it's not, it's Mixi.  She says no, I promise you it's not....you want to know how I know?  Mixi has chocolate in the corners of her mouth, and this elf doesn't.  Damn...my kid is way too observant.  Our Mixi had gotten into her chocolate kisses from her advent calendar, so despite cleaning off her face, I hadn't taken the time to clean out the tiny corners of her mouth.

I did do it the next day or so, and I am not sure if she noticed when the chocolate disappeared, but not long after that, she did seem satisfied that it was the same elf.  Daddy had better step up his game next year....some nights I do just put her in a funny spot, but a lot of times I have her get into some fun mischief (thank you Pinterest) but her dad just moves her around to different spots.  Next year she may notice that Mixi is a lot less mischievous at daddy's house, lol. 

And while she was still excited about Mixi's arrival, her enthusiasm to find her each morning wasn't as high as it was in years past.  She used to jump out of bed and go running to look for her.  Now she is content to come in my room, wake me up, and then lay there playing on my phone for 15-20 minutes while I snooze for a few more before she goes and finds her.  The night before we took her to see Santa, I showed her from my FB memories the one and only year she sat on Santa's lap when she was a baby.  She studied the picture and then asked who that was.  I said it's Santa.  She goes, for real?  I said yeah....but then I realized, if it wasn't the same guy when we went the next day, which it may not be since they have a few depending on what time you go, Ms. Super Observant is going to notice.  So I had to come clean that he isn't THE Santa because the real one is so busy at the north pole, so he's a helper. 

She seemed satisfied with that.  So, nothing major, but I can see the seeds of doubt being planted.  But that may not be a bad thing.  I do hope she just gradually figures it out on her own.  I had to be told when I was a kid.  I was happily ignorant and could have gone on believing for who knows how long.  I remember being so devastated when my mom told me.  I thought I'd never enjoy Christmas again and I kept hoping I would forget by next year.  I hope to not have to crush her little fantasies someday.  But whether or not she figures it out on her own or is told somehow, I would really love to have at least two more years of her believing. 

Ryan had Emmy the weekend before Christmas, which was kind of good because I had Monday off this year as well as Christmas eve and Christmas day, so it gave me a chance to clean the house and wrap gifts.  I picked her up Christmas eve afternoon and then she and I got ready for church.  We went with my dad....I love Christmas eve service.  After that we headed to my brothers where I ate way too much food, we opened presents and then tried to play Apples to Apples afterward but none of us would stop talking long enough to get the game started.  My brother did get out his Friends Trivia game and asked me random questions while we waited for the game that we never played to start, and I crushed them all.  I am not sure if that is a good thing or bad thing, haha.

Finally we had to get going, it was going on midnight and waaaaay past her bedtime.  We were tracking Santa on Norad, but thankfully since Em is still in the beginning stages of learning to read, I could fib and say he was close by, rather than the truth, which was he had already left Michigan and was headed out of the US.  She fell asleep on the way home but she's so big and leggy now, I cannot carry her in without waking her up.  But I just pretended that I heard Santa's sleighbells nearby and she quickly jumped into bed and was thankfully asleep soon after. 

The next morning we got up and her dad came over and we watched her open her gifts.  She kept wanting us to open our gifts that she made at school (a calendar with a picture she drew on each month) before she started opening her own.  She's such a sweetheart.  She loved all her gifts....Santa brought her a 'Lil Woodzie Schoolhouse, a kinetic sand kit with construction equipment, a brush and hair spray set for her American Girl Doll, some gel glitter markers, and then I got her a "If my Cat Fiona could talk" book, a small wooden music box that plays You are my sunshine (the song I have been singing to her since she was a newborn) a little pack of nail polish, a lipgloss, a teeny ty and a stuffie Minnie Mouse ornament.  I felt like I didn't get her much great stuff, especially since the book and the music box took up half the budget.  But considering I spend the amount we used to spend on her together (and I am sure her dad spent the same as I did, if not more....the man loves to shop) plus all she got from grandparents, and aunts and uncles, she is not in need to toys. 

I don't want to spoil her....as an only child she's already doomed for that, and now a kid of divorced parents too?  But she is seriously the most appreciative kid ever.  I think you could wrap up a rock and give it to her and she would jump up and down and say oh thank you mommy, I love it.  So, it is what it is.  I firmly believe a kid can have a lot of stuff, but still not be spoiled as long as they are taught to appreciate it and be thankful.

So after she played with her toys for a bit, she and her dad went back to his house for Christmas day with his family.  I hate not having her on Christmas day, but I have Christmas eve which is when my family celebrates, and we both get to see her open her presents on Christmas morning.  I just dread the day that has to change, because it will one day.  Someday Ryan will have his own place (he's still staying with his parents for now) and want to be able to have her wake up at his place on Christmas morning.  Or I'll get a serious boyfriend/he'll get a serious girlfriend and they may each have kids and we'll want to have our own Christmas celebrations with our new families.  But for now, I am glad to have what we do. 

I had a few invites for Christmas day, but I decided to just stay home.  The night before, after church I had picked up Arabic food, and it keeps well so that was my Christmas dinner (and lunch) and I just laid around in my jammies and binged watched TV.  I did have to work the next day, and it's hard to work when Em is home.  She gets bored when I cannot entertain her for 7 hours of the day.  Ryan had to work the next day too, but I said she could spend the night there Christmas night so they'd have more time together, and then the next day she hung out with her grandma until I got done working. 

After her being gone for the 2.5 days leading up to Christmas and then all of Christmas Day and the next day, I was missing her so badly.  I told my ex-MIL I would be done working at 3 and then I'd come get her....I think I text her and was in the car at 2:58....I couldn't wait to see my baby.  The next day I only had to work half a day, so after noon she and I had the rest of the day together.  From Thursday afternoon till Sunday afternoon, we only left the house to go get take out....we slept in, and stayed in our jammies, and cuddled, and napped, and watched movies for three days straight.  On Sunday I finally showered and we went to Meijer to grab a few things.  She's still off school for the rest of this week, but I had to go back to work today.  I am off on new year's day, but other than that it's a normal work week.  I felt so sad Sunday night....

I mean, we have most weekends together, even on Ryan's weekend, I still have her Friday through Sunday around noon, but still, these past few days home with her have been so much fun, I am just soaking it all up.  I didn't want to go back to everyday life of waking up early and going to work.  I even had that feeling of being a little homesick at the idea of not spending every minute with her.  But my wish came true because I was so stuffed up last night I couldn't sleep.  I don't think I fell asleep until almost 5 and was supposed to get up at 7.  I text my boss and told her I barely slept and would work from home that day and come into the office another day.  I went back to sleep till almost 10, and then worked in the living room on my laptop while Em played and watched movies.  So I still had to work, but I was excited to get to spend another day with her.

I sometimes (often) get sad about how fast she is growing up and how she was just a baby yesterday and today she's in Kindergarten.  But then many times throughout the day I will just look at her and realize she is still little and she's still so so cute (not that I will ever think she is not cute) and I just try to take it all in and soak it all up because someday I will be sad that she is a big 3rd grader, and wish she was still a little kindergartener.  Ugh, can you heart explode because of how much you love your kid, because sometimes I really do think it will just explode one day like it cannot possibly hold all that love.