"I don't think most people understand how much is truly lost when a baby dies. You don't just lose a baby, you lose the 1 and 2 and 10 and 16 year old she would have become. You lose Christmas mornings, and loose teeth, and first days of school. You just lose it all".
This is a quote I found on pinterest, that quite simply summarizes all of the hurt, anger, sadness, pain, and confuson behind a stillbirth, in my case, or pregnancy/infant loss in general. People think, you didn't know them, in some cases you never even get to see your baby. But isn't that one of the saddest things of all? That you didn't get to know your child?
I know how lucky I am to have Emily. My heart laughs and smiles every day. I had my doubts....I always wanted children, but there was always that nagging little voice inside of me that would say, but do you really? Do you really want the rest of your life to be dictated by rules, worry, and this bossy little slobbery stinky thing that rules your house? But now I know, I was born to be a mom. And I am damn good at it too. Emily smiles when she sees me, she holds out her arms for me to pick her up, and my cuddles calm her crying. She loves her daddy too, but she's a momma's girl, and that thrills me.
I know there are many people who not only face loss, but then go on to not get to experience the joys of seeing the rainbow after a long, dark and stormy journey. But not a day goes by that I don't wonder who Kayla would have been. Kayla and Emily share many of the same facial features, but is that where their similarities would have ended? Emily has blonde hair and her daddy's hazel eyes, would Kayla have had brown hair and my dark brown eyes? Or maybe her grandma's red hair? Emily is a good baby, but has a spunky side. She'll sit back and quietly observe, but she can screech and scream and holler at you when you've done something she doesn't like. Would Kayla have been quiet all the time? Or maybe she would have kept us on our toes, crying and yelling 24/7?
I often drive by the elementary school where Kayla would have, and where Emily will attend her first day of kindergarten some day. That school holds no memories for me, I didn't go there as a child and I only recently set foot inside to go vote, but driving by that school makes me feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest, when I think of the fact that there will never be a Kayla B enrolled there. There will never be a little boy who has a crush on Kayla. Kayla will never be valedictorian, or prom queen; we will never know if she would have been a veteranarian or someone who rebuilds jet engines in the military. We'll never see her walk down the aisle, and she will never give us grandchildren. We will never see her name in print, except for on her gravestone or on other memorial items. She never took any breaths in this world.
She wasn't sick, she wasn't missing any vital organs, she didn't have any extra chromosomes. On or around July 26th 2013, she should have been in this world. She should now be a giggling, happy, 18 month old, but instead she only existed inside me for 22 weeks and 2 days. I cannot ever picture my two girls together, laughing and playing, because even if Kayla had survived, Emily couldn't be here. That's like saying, you miss your mom? Ok, you can have her back, but then you'll have to lose your dad. It's like loving the two halves of my heart, but knowing my heart cannot be whole at the same time.
I know how lucky I am to have Emily, but it is such a mind fuck to be missing one of my daughters so much, but having to imagine my life without my other one had my first one lived.
"Missing you comes in waves. Tonight I'm drowning".
Friday, January 23, 2015
Why didn't I think of this before?
Emily and I met Ryan for breakfast this morning after he got done giving blood. We were going to go with him, but I decided if we went separate and met him there, we could go grocery shopping on the way home. I hate to grocery shop, so if I can get it done while I am out, it's much better than trying to get the motivation to go when I am home.
So I realized breakfast was later than I thought it would be, and that Emily would need a nap soon. Sure enough, she started zoning out at the store, and then started the head bob. I didn't want to leave her like that with her head drooping, so I picked her up, planning to just carrying her and let her nap on my shoulder. But that would have made for a very tired arm by the time I got done. Then I had a genious idea. I had her cart cover with me, so when I took her out of the cart, I bunched up the cart cover to make a bit of a pillow at one end and laid her in the part where she usually sits.
She had a wonderful nap for the rest of my shopping; in fact she looked so cozy, I wished I could crawl in and nap with her while someone pushed us around and did my shopping for me. I didn't have anything to put over her when we left the store though, and I was certain the cold air would wake her up and piss her off. It did wake her up, but she was in a perfectly good mood, she seemed well rested and happy, it was amazing. So while I was patting myself on the back for thinking of such a good solution, I wondered why I never thought of it before. When she was too little to sit, grocery shopping was the bain of my existance because the seat part was too small to put her car seat in, her car seat took up too much room in the big part of the cart and she was never a fan of baby wearing. Why it never dawned on me to stuff the seat part with blankets and just plop her in there laying down, I don't know, but I will for sure be doing that if we ever have another.
Speaking of, I think we've come to a decision. I've been very stressed for the last year about whether or not to try for another baby. We had decided to revisit the topic in March when Emily turns one, but as we get closer, the more and more anxious I got because I am still not sure. But then I thought maybe June, I will hopefully be in better shape by then, and we'll have had a little bit of time to test the waters with a toddler, but that still made me anxious. So I introduced myself on the TTC > 35 board and to my surprise got a lot of great advice. I was really worried about having another kid because I am not getting any younger, and along with my other reasons to be high risk, another pregnancy would also mean being advanced maternal age.
But some women over there gave me some perspective on it. I was 32 when we started TTC, and I thought I was old then. I have pretty much thought I was old every single year, unless I was looking back on that year, from an even older perspective. Hell, I was ready to sign up for an AARP card when I turned 18. I would hate to turn 40, and look back and regret not having another one because I thought I was too old at 36. Of course I do not feel like I have an infinite number of years in which to have another baby, but what is one year in the grand scheme of things?
I am not now, and I do not think I would be ready in June to say yes I am ready for another and try, or no, we are done, and have permanent BC done. So we've pretty much come to the decision to wait until Emily turns 2, and then decide. Since making this decision, I feel settled and at peace, so I know it is right. Maybe before then we'll decide to "not try but not prevent" and see what happens, or maybe we'll decide to actually wait until next March, but I am excited about this. The idea of maybe trying in a year actually makes me happy, unlike the idea of trying in the next few months. Or, maybe by then we'll decide our family is complete and move on.
Despite all of the fear of being pregnant again, parts of me wasn't even sure I wanted another child. I see moms of two or more and they are stressed, everything is hectic, they are running here and there, always busy. But even if I got pregnant right away, Emily would be almost three by the time another baby would come. Of course in a perfect world, four or five would be even better, but it's much better than two. She'd hopefully be potty trained, and somewhat independent and capable of doing some things on her own so I could focus on the baby, and she would understand a little better and be excited about a little brother or sister, whereas I feel like at two she'd still be a little lost on the concept.
Besides, I had notions about what parenthood would be like once Emily came....so much of my life has not really changed, and in the ways it did, it is better. Like now, the house is quiet, Emily has been in bed for three hours now and I just finished watching a movie and eating dinner. We went to breakfast this morning and had a perfectly nice meal at a restaurant just as we did before we had kids. Of course, as she gets older, things will be a bit different, but I am now of the opinion that your life doesn't have to become unrecognizable once you have kids. Plus, we want Em to know about her big sister in heaven, and I am not sure I could take her looking at me all sad, saying she wishes Kayla was alive so she could have a sister here. So that's the plan, one more year and we'll see where we are.
I've made more progress on her birthday DIY projects. I am going to try to take her first birthday pictures myself, and I needed a #1 prop for her to sit next to. I checked craft stores, they mostly only have letters, and the numbers they did have were too small. I had a huge piece of styrofoam from some packaging the other day, so I cut out a 1 from that, and covered it in some leftover pink tulle I had from making her tutu. I have to say, it looks pretty damn good. My living room rug did not after cutting all that styrofoam, but hooray for vacuum cleaners.
I've also done most of the acheivements board. It's another pinterest project....it's black foam board with metallic markers so it looks like chalk and chalkboard, and you just write what she can do, what she likes. I've done all I can on it for now, and a few days before her party I'll finish it with how many teeth she has (her right front tooth is coming in now, so that makes three currently) and if she can walk and when she took her first steps. I'm so excited for her party, it's been really fun to plan it and work on the projects.
She does this new thing now, she puts her hands on either side of her face and then slides them down, like she's stressed or something. I can just hear her saying "oy vey" when she does it, it's so funny. We bought her a sit to stand walker the other day. So far she just likes to stand there and hold on to the bar, but I am hoping she'll take a few steps one of these days. I know I'll regret saying this when she does, but I can't wait for her to crawl and walk. Life will be insane, but it will be fun.
So I realized breakfast was later than I thought it would be, and that Emily would need a nap soon. Sure enough, she started zoning out at the store, and then started the head bob. I didn't want to leave her like that with her head drooping, so I picked her up, planning to just carrying her and let her nap on my shoulder. But that would have made for a very tired arm by the time I got done. Then I had a genious idea. I had her cart cover with me, so when I took her out of the cart, I bunched up the cart cover to make a bit of a pillow at one end and laid her in the part where she usually sits.
She had a wonderful nap for the rest of my shopping; in fact she looked so cozy, I wished I could crawl in and nap with her while someone pushed us around and did my shopping for me. I didn't have anything to put over her when we left the store though, and I was certain the cold air would wake her up and piss her off. It did wake her up, but she was in a perfectly good mood, she seemed well rested and happy, it was amazing. So while I was patting myself on the back for thinking of such a good solution, I wondered why I never thought of it before. When she was too little to sit, grocery shopping was the bain of my existance because the seat part was too small to put her car seat in, her car seat took up too much room in the big part of the cart and she was never a fan of baby wearing. Why it never dawned on me to stuff the seat part with blankets and just plop her in there laying down, I don't know, but I will for sure be doing that if we ever have another.
Speaking of, I think we've come to a decision. I've been very stressed for the last year about whether or not to try for another baby. We had decided to revisit the topic in March when Emily turns one, but as we get closer, the more and more anxious I got because I am still not sure. But then I thought maybe June, I will hopefully be in better shape by then, and we'll have had a little bit of time to test the waters with a toddler, but that still made me anxious. So I introduced myself on the TTC > 35 board and to my surprise got a lot of great advice. I was really worried about having another kid because I am not getting any younger, and along with my other reasons to be high risk, another pregnancy would also mean being advanced maternal age.
But some women over there gave me some perspective on it. I was 32 when we started TTC, and I thought I was old then. I have pretty much thought I was old every single year, unless I was looking back on that year, from an even older perspective. Hell, I was ready to sign up for an AARP card when I turned 18. I would hate to turn 40, and look back and regret not having another one because I thought I was too old at 36. Of course I do not feel like I have an infinite number of years in which to have another baby, but what is one year in the grand scheme of things?
I am not now, and I do not think I would be ready in June to say yes I am ready for another and try, or no, we are done, and have permanent BC done. So we've pretty much come to the decision to wait until Emily turns 2, and then decide. Since making this decision, I feel settled and at peace, so I know it is right. Maybe before then we'll decide to "not try but not prevent" and see what happens, or maybe we'll decide to actually wait until next March, but I am excited about this. The idea of maybe trying in a year actually makes me happy, unlike the idea of trying in the next few months. Or, maybe by then we'll decide our family is complete and move on.
Despite all of the fear of being pregnant again, parts of me wasn't even sure I wanted another child. I see moms of two or more and they are stressed, everything is hectic, they are running here and there, always busy. But even if I got pregnant right away, Emily would be almost three by the time another baby would come. Of course in a perfect world, four or five would be even better, but it's much better than two. She'd hopefully be potty trained, and somewhat independent and capable of doing some things on her own so I could focus on the baby, and she would understand a little better and be excited about a little brother or sister, whereas I feel like at two she'd still be a little lost on the concept.
Besides, I had notions about what parenthood would be like once Emily came....so much of my life has not really changed, and in the ways it did, it is better. Like now, the house is quiet, Emily has been in bed for three hours now and I just finished watching a movie and eating dinner. We went to breakfast this morning and had a perfectly nice meal at a restaurant just as we did before we had kids. Of course, as she gets older, things will be a bit different, but I am now of the opinion that your life doesn't have to become unrecognizable once you have kids. Plus, we want Em to know about her big sister in heaven, and I am not sure I could take her looking at me all sad, saying she wishes Kayla was alive so she could have a sister here. So that's the plan, one more year and we'll see where we are.
I've made more progress on her birthday DIY projects. I am going to try to take her first birthday pictures myself, and I needed a #1 prop for her to sit next to. I checked craft stores, they mostly only have letters, and the numbers they did have were too small. I had a huge piece of styrofoam from some packaging the other day, so I cut out a 1 from that, and covered it in some leftover pink tulle I had from making her tutu. I have to say, it looks pretty damn good. My living room rug did not after cutting all that styrofoam, but hooray for vacuum cleaners.
I've also done most of the acheivements board. It's another pinterest project....it's black foam board with metallic markers so it looks like chalk and chalkboard, and you just write what she can do, what she likes. I've done all I can on it for now, and a few days before her party I'll finish it with how many teeth she has (her right front tooth is coming in now, so that makes three currently) and if she can walk and when she took her first steps. I'm so excited for her party, it's been really fun to plan it and work on the projects.
She does this new thing now, she puts her hands on either side of her face and then slides them down, like she's stressed or something. I can just hear her saying "oy vey" when she does it, it's so funny. We bought her a sit to stand walker the other day. So far she just likes to stand there and hold on to the bar, but I am hoping she'll take a few steps one of these days. I know I'll regret saying this when she does, but I can't wait for her to crawl and walk. Life will be insane, but it will be fun.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Terrible..Ten months?
My sweet agreeable baby has been replaced by this crying, angry
version. Emily has always gone down so easy, especially her naps when
she started napping in her crib, I'd just put her in, close the door and
she was out within a mnute or two. But for the last several weeks, she
screams bloody murder at bedtime and naptime, and she's been waking up
most night at least once or twice, crying. I thought I was losing my
mind, but I've talked to others and it seems she is going through her
separation anxiety stage. It breaks my heart because no matter how much
I rock her or cuddle her, she cries just as hard when I put her in her
crib as if I didn't rock her first. Thankfully most nights she only
cries for about five minutes and then falls asleep, but today's naptime
didn't go as well.
I really wanted to get my work out in while she was napping so I could just relax this evening, but it took 30 minutes to get her down. She also cries first thing in the morning when I bring her in the living room and leave to get her her a bottle. Not sure if it is related or she's just coming into her own independence, but she's getting quite sassy too. This morning I was letting her play a baby draw game on my phone but occasionally she would hit something and take it out of the game. Whenever I took the phone away to try to get the game back, she would writhe around in my lap and even pinched me a few times! I've always heard about the terrible two's, why did nobody ever tell me about this stage?
In cuter news, she has discovered it is fun to pick up an item just to drop it two seconds later and watch it fall. Then pick it up again, and drop it again, lather, rinse, repeat. Even more fun, she has found, is dropping something and seeing how many times grandpa will pick it up for her. She's started weaning herself from her paci. No actually, she's gone cold turkey. I cannot remember the last time she willingly took her paci and kept it in longer than 5 seconds; it's been at least a couple weeks. It's good, I never thought it would be a problem to break her off it since she could always take it or leave it, but it's always good when the kid takes the initiative themselves to break the habit. But, it is bad because when she was really overtired or cranky, the paci would always help calm her to go to sleep, so I am missing it right about now.
Last week when it was bath night, I decided to let her take a stab at feeding herself. I know she is far from being able to do it, but you've got to start somewhere right? So I stripped her down to her diaper and let her have at it. Perhaps choosing purple carrot for the entree for the evening was not the best food color choice though. It was all over her, on her forehead, all smeared around her face. It was very cute and funny though, and then we had a nice bath after. She had troubles dipping the spoon in to get food on it, but once I helped her with that, she actually did get the food into her mouth most times. Not bad for a rookie.
Speaking of her new night time behavior, my brother and his wife are coming to babysit tomorrow night so my husband and I can go out with some friends. That should be fun for them. I'm willing to bet she is still up when we get home because my brother will not be able to stand hearing her cry it out for longer than two minutes, he'll go pick her up and start the process all over again. If she's super upset and crying for longer than 10 or 15 minutes I'll go get her, but most of the time she cries for 5-8 minutes and then falls asleep. It sucks to hear her cry, but in the long run it's best to just tough it out till she zonks out.
And now for the fun stuff.....her first birthday is in just over two months, so I've been hitting pinterest for party ideas. I want to make as much as I can; so far I've made her a black and purple tutu to wear on the big day. For the beginning of the party I want her to wear a frilly dress but for pictures and her cake smashing, she'll wear the tutu, and I also made a sparkly stick on #1 to put on a white onesie. I tried the tutu on her today and it is SO CUTE! She also loved touching and playing with the layers of tulle. I have to say, I was very impressed with it. My pinterest projects are hit and miss, sometimes they turn out great, other times, eh not so much. But the tutu looks perfect, I would even think it were store bought if I hadn't made it myself.
I also made her a pink and black tutu for her highchair which turned out pretty good. Noticing a theme here? Her basic theme is just girly. If she is anything like me, she will start voicing her opinions very soon and they won't be in favor of girly. If I didn't strike it rich with a girly girl, I want to "girl her out" while I still have the chance, and what is more girly than tutus? I tried making her invites, they were to have a pink cardstock back, the writing would be on a smaller square of white cardstock and at the bottom, a ruffled piece of pink tulle. I made a sample one tonight. It looked fairly decent, some of the glue leaked around the edges but I was going to fix that by just using double sided tape. But the big thing that makes me give them a thumbs down is my damn paper cutter is not cutting perfectly straight.
Maybe no one else will notice, but I do and I hate tiny imperfections like that. I only have to make 10 invites, but I don't want to go through all of that and still be unhappy with them. I don't mind if people know they are home made, I just don't want them opening up and going ooooooh, these are home made. So, for $35 I just went to the site I was using the idea from and ordered them. I've accepted that there are things I can make that look good, and things I cannot, so the invitations will be ordered.
Well, her tutu isn't completely done, and I have to go sneak into her room to get it. Let's hope I step on all the right floor boards that don't squeak so I don't wake the beast, I mean, my sweet little baby.
I really wanted to get my work out in while she was napping so I could just relax this evening, but it took 30 minutes to get her down. She also cries first thing in the morning when I bring her in the living room and leave to get her her a bottle. Not sure if it is related or she's just coming into her own independence, but she's getting quite sassy too. This morning I was letting her play a baby draw game on my phone but occasionally she would hit something and take it out of the game. Whenever I took the phone away to try to get the game back, she would writhe around in my lap and even pinched me a few times! I've always heard about the terrible two's, why did nobody ever tell me about this stage?
In cuter news, she has discovered it is fun to pick up an item just to drop it two seconds later and watch it fall. Then pick it up again, and drop it again, lather, rinse, repeat. Even more fun, she has found, is dropping something and seeing how many times grandpa will pick it up for her. She's started weaning herself from her paci. No actually, she's gone cold turkey. I cannot remember the last time she willingly took her paci and kept it in longer than 5 seconds; it's been at least a couple weeks. It's good, I never thought it would be a problem to break her off it since she could always take it or leave it, but it's always good when the kid takes the initiative themselves to break the habit. But, it is bad because when she was really overtired or cranky, the paci would always help calm her to go to sleep, so I am missing it right about now.
Last week when it was bath night, I decided to let her take a stab at feeding herself. I know she is far from being able to do it, but you've got to start somewhere right? So I stripped her down to her diaper and let her have at it. Perhaps choosing purple carrot for the entree for the evening was not the best food color choice though. It was all over her, on her forehead, all smeared around her face. It was very cute and funny though, and then we had a nice bath after. She had troubles dipping the spoon in to get food on it, but once I helped her with that, she actually did get the food into her mouth most times. Not bad for a rookie.
Speaking of her new night time behavior, my brother and his wife are coming to babysit tomorrow night so my husband and I can go out with some friends. That should be fun for them. I'm willing to bet she is still up when we get home because my brother will not be able to stand hearing her cry it out for longer than two minutes, he'll go pick her up and start the process all over again. If she's super upset and crying for longer than 10 or 15 minutes I'll go get her, but most of the time she cries for 5-8 minutes and then falls asleep. It sucks to hear her cry, but in the long run it's best to just tough it out till she zonks out.
And now for the fun stuff.....her first birthday is in just over two months, so I've been hitting pinterest for party ideas. I want to make as much as I can; so far I've made her a black and purple tutu to wear on the big day. For the beginning of the party I want her to wear a frilly dress but for pictures and her cake smashing, she'll wear the tutu, and I also made a sparkly stick on #1 to put on a white onesie. I tried the tutu on her today and it is SO CUTE! She also loved touching and playing with the layers of tulle. I have to say, I was very impressed with it. My pinterest projects are hit and miss, sometimes they turn out great, other times, eh not so much. But the tutu looks perfect, I would even think it were store bought if I hadn't made it myself.
I also made her a pink and black tutu for her highchair which turned out pretty good. Noticing a theme here? Her basic theme is just girly. If she is anything like me, she will start voicing her opinions very soon and they won't be in favor of girly. If I didn't strike it rich with a girly girl, I want to "girl her out" while I still have the chance, and what is more girly than tutus? I tried making her invites, they were to have a pink cardstock back, the writing would be on a smaller square of white cardstock and at the bottom, a ruffled piece of pink tulle. I made a sample one tonight. It looked fairly decent, some of the glue leaked around the edges but I was going to fix that by just using double sided tape. But the big thing that makes me give them a thumbs down is my damn paper cutter is not cutting perfectly straight.
Maybe no one else will notice, but I do and I hate tiny imperfections like that. I only have to make 10 invites, but I don't want to go through all of that and still be unhappy with them. I don't mind if people know they are home made, I just don't want them opening up and going ooooooh, these are home made. So, for $35 I just went to the site I was using the idea from and ordered them. I've accepted that there are things I can make that look good, and things I cannot, so the invitations will be ordered.
Well, her tutu isn't completely done, and I have to go sneak into her room to get it. Let's hope I step on all the right floor boards that don't squeak so I don't wake the beast, I mean, my sweet little baby.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Motherless Mothers
I was 25 when my mom died fairly suddenly. She was diagnosed with cervical cancer that March, and had a hysterectomy and radiation that spring/summer. It hadn't metastasized, so she was given a good prognosis. That July she started having back issues, and they progressively got worse until she was admitted to the hospital because they just couldn't figure out why her back was causing her so much pain. Six days later she was diagnosed with acute Leukemia, and three days later she died in September. She was 53 years old.
That first year without her was without a doubt the hardest. I was a zombie, I was angry, sad, scared, depressed....you name it, I felt it. Not long after she passed I discovered the book by Hope Edelman called Motherless Daughters. Some of it was geared toward girls who lost their mothers very young, like as kids or teenagers, but for the most part it was an excellent book, and lets face it, you don't exactly stop needing your mother at 25. I am thankful I got to experience a relationship as an adult with her, unlike those that lost their mothers as a teen or child. But just barely....my mom and I had a difficult relationship, we often fought, we battled each other a lot, so it wasn't until I moved out on my own at 23 that our relationship improved much. So really I had only about two years with her on pretty good terms before I lost her. I had graduated college, but she has missed out on so many of my milestones as an adult, like graduating from grad school, getting my first real job, getting married, buying a house, having a baby....so being slightly older than the target audience for this book wasn't really that much of a problem.
I haven't gotten a chance to read much of it yet, but I recently discovered Hope wrote another book called Motherless Mothers....a book about how women relate to their own kids, when they lost their mother early on. Again, many of the women interviewed for the book were younger, but the only stipulation to be an interviewee was that you had to have lost your mother before you became a mother yourself.
In the few chapters I have read thus far, I am really amazed at how much I do in regards to parenting Emily that I wasn't aware was related to the fact that my own mother is gone. Now, I am sure some if not all women do this to some degree, but since becoming a mom, I fear my own death. I've never feared my own death, always fearful of others', but the idea of not seeing her grow up, and her growing up without me is terrifying. I am also very diligent about filling out her baby book. I was the second born, so the fun of documenting when I went pee pee in the potty had worn off by the time I came along, not to mention just being busier and more tired with two kids. But now that both my mom and grandma are gone, I have no idea when most of my milestones are.
My dad was able to tell me that I did walk before my first birthday, around 10 or 11 months, but that is all I know. I also know my first word was dada, and that's only because my mom so often complained that it wasn't mama. But I have no idea when my teeth came in, when I crawled, how long I went between crawling and walking, when I talked, etc. My husband is a great father, but he won't know or remember this stuff. Plus, since I am home all day with her, I notice these things. One day I was in the shower and he came running in, exclaiming that Emily was napping and snoring. I said I know she snores, she's been snoring for months.
So I want to make sure her baby book is well documented, just in case. I also think a lot about talking to our prospective guardians and setting up the paper work so all of that is in place should anything ever happen to us. I think about my mom a lot when I am with Emily, I wonder if she is watching us, I wonder if she thinks I am a good mother, and I wonder if she agrees with the things I do. It's comforting to know that other motherless mothers do these things.
Despite my tumultuous relationship with my mom, she was a huge comfort to me. We fought so much, partly because I was a snotty teenager and mothers and daughters....well, their known for not getting along. But I think we also fought a lot because we were so alike, we always had to get the last word in, we knew how to push each others' buttons. But I remember her being so comforting and nurturing as a child. If I hurt myself, she was there to kiss my boo boo, if I had a bad dream, she was there to comfort me, if I had a broken heart, she was there to stroke my hair and listen, and if I did anything, no matter how small the accomplishment, she was there to make me feel like I had just won a Nobel Prize.
It's very important to me that I give that same comfort to Emily. When she cries, I want to comfort her, when she does something good, I applaud her and make her feel like she just climbed mount everest. I want her to remember those good times, that feeling of comfort, the feeling of being hurt or upset and knowing that mommy can make it all better. But of course I want to be the best of both worlds too, which is the parenting I got from my dad. When my mom was there to make it all better, he was there to knock me back to reality, being the "tough" parent who made me do what I had to do. Is it possible to be both, in one? I am not sure, but I'm going to try.
So, now I need to brag. My MIL gave Emily a stuffed lamb with a little crank to make it play music, in the last few days she has discovered how to turn it so make it play. She can't crank it a lot, but I think it's really cute. I'll hear the music on the monitor and then I'll realize she made the music go. I know I've said this a million times, but she's sooooo close to crawling. I don't know what she is doing now, it's not as smooth as an army crawl, but she does somehow get from point A to point B. She does a lot of turning and spinning and then I think she just kind of flails around enough until she makes some progress. Everyday I hold my breath as she is doing tummy time, waiting for the moment that she crawls.
This afternoon I sat her in her crib to play while I cleaned out her closet. She was making lots of noise, grunting and yelling and screeching, and every so often I would turn around and she'd be smiling back at me. So then I got lost in my organization, and I heard some zombie-like breathing so I turned around, and there she is looking pleased as punch, standing in her crib. Whoa, time to lower the mattress. I'm so proud of her. She's growing too fast, but I cannot contain my pride when she does something new.
That first year without her was without a doubt the hardest. I was a zombie, I was angry, sad, scared, depressed....you name it, I felt it. Not long after she passed I discovered the book by Hope Edelman called Motherless Daughters. Some of it was geared toward girls who lost their mothers very young, like as kids or teenagers, but for the most part it was an excellent book, and lets face it, you don't exactly stop needing your mother at 25. I am thankful I got to experience a relationship as an adult with her, unlike those that lost their mothers as a teen or child. But just barely....my mom and I had a difficult relationship, we often fought, we battled each other a lot, so it wasn't until I moved out on my own at 23 that our relationship improved much. So really I had only about two years with her on pretty good terms before I lost her. I had graduated college, but she has missed out on so many of my milestones as an adult, like graduating from grad school, getting my first real job, getting married, buying a house, having a baby....so being slightly older than the target audience for this book wasn't really that much of a problem.
I haven't gotten a chance to read much of it yet, but I recently discovered Hope wrote another book called Motherless Mothers....a book about how women relate to their own kids, when they lost their mother early on. Again, many of the women interviewed for the book were younger, but the only stipulation to be an interviewee was that you had to have lost your mother before you became a mother yourself.
In the few chapters I have read thus far, I am really amazed at how much I do in regards to parenting Emily that I wasn't aware was related to the fact that my own mother is gone. Now, I am sure some if not all women do this to some degree, but since becoming a mom, I fear my own death. I've never feared my own death, always fearful of others', but the idea of not seeing her grow up, and her growing up without me is terrifying. I am also very diligent about filling out her baby book. I was the second born, so the fun of documenting when I went pee pee in the potty had worn off by the time I came along, not to mention just being busier and more tired with two kids. But now that both my mom and grandma are gone, I have no idea when most of my milestones are.
My dad was able to tell me that I did walk before my first birthday, around 10 or 11 months, but that is all I know. I also know my first word was dada, and that's only because my mom so often complained that it wasn't mama. But I have no idea when my teeth came in, when I crawled, how long I went between crawling and walking, when I talked, etc. My husband is a great father, but he won't know or remember this stuff. Plus, since I am home all day with her, I notice these things. One day I was in the shower and he came running in, exclaiming that Emily was napping and snoring. I said I know she snores, she's been snoring for months.
So I want to make sure her baby book is well documented, just in case. I also think a lot about talking to our prospective guardians and setting up the paper work so all of that is in place should anything ever happen to us. I think about my mom a lot when I am with Emily, I wonder if she is watching us, I wonder if she thinks I am a good mother, and I wonder if she agrees with the things I do. It's comforting to know that other motherless mothers do these things.
Despite my tumultuous relationship with my mom, she was a huge comfort to me. We fought so much, partly because I was a snotty teenager and mothers and daughters....well, their known for not getting along. But I think we also fought a lot because we were so alike, we always had to get the last word in, we knew how to push each others' buttons. But I remember her being so comforting and nurturing as a child. If I hurt myself, she was there to kiss my boo boo, if I had a bad dream, she was there to comfort me, if I had a broken heart, she was there to stroke my hair and listen, and if I did anything, no matter how small the accomplishment, she was there to make me feel like I had just won a Nobel Prize.
It's very important to me that I give that same comfort to Emily. When she cries, I want to comfort her, when she does something good, I applaud her and make her feel like she just climbed mount everest. I want her to remember those good times, that feeling of comfort, the feeling of being hurt or upset and knowing that mommy can make it all better. But of course I want to be the best of both worlds too, which is the parenting I got from my dad. When my mom was there to make it all better, he was there to knock me back to reality, being the "tough" parent who made me do what I had to do. Is it possible to be both, in one? I am not sure, but I'm going to try.
So, now I need to brag. My MIL gave Emily a stuffed lamb with a little crank to make it play music, in the last few days she has discovered how to turn it so make it play. She can't crank it a lot, but I think it's really cute. I'll hear the music on the monitor and then I'll realize she made the music go. I know I've said this a million times, but she's sooooo close to crawling. I don't know what she is doing now, it's not as smooth as an army crawl, but she does somehow get from point A to point B. She does a lot of turning and spinning and then I think she just kind of flails around enough until she makes some progress. Everyday I hold my breath as she is doing tummy time, waiting for the moment that she crawls.
This afternoon I sat her in her crib to play while I cleaned out her closet. She was making lots of noise, grunting and yelling and screeching, and every so often I would turn around and she'd be smiling back at me. So then I got lost in my organization, and I heard some zombie-like breathing so I turned around, and there she is looking pleased as punch, standing in her crib. Whoa, time to lower the mattress. I'm so proud of her. She's growing too fast, but I cannot contain my pride when she does something new.
Monday, January 5, 2015
Teething can bite me (pun intended)
I know how lucky I am to have a wonderfully easy baby, but days like today, I think I am really in for it when she becomes a toddler. It's like she's grown up so much in the last two weeks, she hardly looks like a baby to me anymore and she's already showing a lot of her personalty, her apparent independent, determined, and sassy personality. I don't know if she's got some more teeth ready to cut or what, but she was a pistol today. She didn't want to sit, or stand, or lay down, she didn't want me to hold her, and when she did she didn't want to face me, so she'd spin around and once she did that she would spin back the other way, when I finally gave up and either put her down to play or in her jumper, she would scream and cry.
I tried putting her down for her morning nap but she wasn't having it, she just cried every time I put her down until I finally have up. Around mid afternoon she was looking tired so we snuggled on the couch and she passed out pretty quickly, but only slept for 45 minutes and never took another nap today. I figured with such little sleep, she'd go down really easy tonight. Haha, nope. I put her down 30 minutes later than usual but it was more of the same, screaming and crying when I tried to leave the room, restlessness and a lot of fidgeting when I tried to rock her. So overall bed time took an hour and a half longer than usual.
I attempted to let her cry it out but I don't think I lasted more than 5 minutes. It just breaks my heart to think she is laying there, in pain or upset or whatever, thinking I don't love her because I am not coming in to get her. I figured it has to be teething discomfort so I gave her some teething tablets and some tylenol and tried again. This time I told myself I would let her cry it out for at least 15 minutes before going in. It was hard, but I knew there was really nothing I could do, and she was just so overtired, the best thing was to just let her cry and wear herself out so she could sleep. Thankfully at 13 minutes she started to calm down and a few minutes after that she was asleep.
I am not sure how to explain it, but I just have a feeling of what her personality is going to be. She's very observant, she watches things a lot and I can just see the little wheels turning in her head. I think she will be calculating and think about things a lot before she takes action, but when she does she will be a force to be reckoned with. She will be smart, and confident, and determined and just a little bit (or a lot of bit) sassy. I can't wait to see her personality unfold. My MIL pinned a sign on pinterest for a baby girl's room that sums up Emily perfectly. It says "Let her sleep, for when she wakes, she will move mountains".
So last week I went through all of her clothes and packed away her 9 month clothes and got out her 12 month. My baby girl is getting so big. Her pants drawer is over flowing. Whatever size she is in, she is often a size or two behind in pants since she has a long torso and short little legs, so some of her six month pants and all of her 9 month pants still fit, and then most of the outfits she got for Christmas came with pants. I just don't know what to do with them all, there are so many. I guess I had better go through them some day and pack away any smaller ones that might be similar to some 12 month ones and ones she doesn't wear often.
I'm tired of spending so much money on her pictures, at this rate I am going to have to start a fund just to pay for them all the time. So I've been pinning some stuff on pinterest for tips on how to take them yourself. I have a nice camera I got last christmas, but honestly I don't know how to really use it. I will find a setting that seems to work, but then it will stop being the ideal setting and then I'm lost on what to do. There are many many buttons and options that I have no clue what they do, so I found an online tutorial I am going to take to really learn how to use my camera. I paid enough for the damn thing, I should know how to really use it rather than treating it as a very expensive point and shoot. I can't wait to take a stab at taking her own pictures. And if I fail, there is always the JC Penney down the street. I wasn't thrilled with them for her three month pics, it was so rushed, and we waited a long time since the last people went over their appointment time.
But it was a Saturday. Now that I am not working, I could take her mid day during the week and I am sure it won't be nearly as busy. But I am really hoping my plan works out, I have so many cute ideas for her first birthday pictures. One of my favorites is my plan for the thank you cards I found on pinterest. I'm going to take a picture of her holding a sign that says thank you, and just write the thank you message on the back. And, since 4X6 pictures are so cheap to print, they'll be really inexpensive. I think I should also be able to get the invites for her birthday party for free, or almost free thanks to Pampers rewards. I can't believe her birthday is in less than three months.
A friend from my old job announced just before Thanksgiving that she's going to be a grandma, her son's girlfriend is pregnant. This woman loves babies, like LOVES babies, she even got me a gift for Emily in addition to whatever she contributed to my work shower. I was really happy for her when she announced it. Then today, she announced her other son's girlfriend is pregnant and due just two months after the first, so she'll be getting her first two grandkids both this summer. I'm so happy for her....but sad that I can't look at pregnancy announcements the same way anymore. When I hear of them, instead of my first reaction being, wow, how exciting, it's "I hope everything goes ok". Especially with her expecting two, it just makes me worried that the chances have increased that something will happen with one of them. Things that don't cross most peoples' minds, cross mine now. It's so unfair.
I tried putting her down for her morning nap but she wasn't having it, she just cried every time I put her down until I finally have up. Around mid afternoon she was looking tired so we snuggled on the couch and she passed out pretty quickly, but only slept for 45 minutes and never took another nap today. I figured with such little sleep, she'd go down really easy tonight. Haha, nope. I put her down 30 minutes later than usual but it was more of the same, screaming and crying when I tried to leave the room, restlessness and a lot of fidgeting when I tried to rock her. So overall bed time took an hour and a half longer than usual.
I attempted to let her cry it out but I don't think I lasted more than 5 minutes. It just breaks my heart to think she is laying there, in pain or upset or whatever, thinking I don't love her because I am not coming in to get her. I figured it has to be teething discomfort so I gave her some teething tablets and some tylenol and tried again. This time I told myself I would let her cry it out for at least 15 minutes before going in. It was hard, but I knew there was really nothing I could do, and she was just so overtired, the best thing was to just let her cry and wear herself out so she could sleep. Thankfully at 13 minutes she started to calm down and a few minutes after that she was asleep.
I am not sure how to explain it, but I just have a feeling of what her personality is going to be. She's very observant, she watches things a lot and I can just see the little wheels turning in her head. I think she will be calculating and think about things a lot before she takes action, but when she does she will be a force to be reckoned with. She will be smart, and confident, and determined and just a little bit (or a lot of bit) sassy. I can't wait to see her personality unfold. My MIL pinned a sign on pinterest for a baby girl's room that sums up Emily perfectly. It says "Let her sleep, for when she wakes, she will move mountains".
So last week I went through all of her clothes and packed away her 9 month clothes and got out her 12 month. My baby girl is getting so big. Her pants drawer is over flowing. Whatever size she is in, she is often a size or two behind in pants since she has a long torso and short little legs, so some of her six month pants and all of her 9 month pants still fit, and then most of the outfits she got for Christmas came with pants. I just don't know what to do with them all, there are so many. I guess I had better go through them some day and pack away any smaller ones that might be similar to some 12 month ones and ones she doesn't wear often.
I'm tired of spending so much money on her pictures, at this rate I am going to have to start a fund just to pay for them all the time. So I've been pinning some stuff on pinterest for tips on how to take them yourself. I have a nice camera I got last christmas, but honestly I don't know how to really use it. I will find a setting that seems to work, but then it will stop being the ideal setting and then I'm lost on what to do. There are many many buttons and options that I have no clue what they do, so I found an online tutorial I am going to take to really learn how to use my camera. I paid enough for the damn thing, I should know how to really use it rather than treating it as a very expensive point and shoot. I can't wait to take a stab at taking her own pictures. And if I fail, there is always the JC Penney down the street. I wasn't thrilled with them for her three month pics, it was so rushed, and we waited a long time since the last people went over their appointment time.
But it was a Saturday. Now that I am not working, I could take her mid day during the week and I am sure it won't be nearly as busy. But I am really hoping my plan works out, I have so many cute ideas for her first birthday pictures. One of my favorites is my plan for the thank you cards I found on pinterest. I'm going to take a picture of her holding a sign that says thank you, and just write the thank you message on the back. And, since 4X6 pictures are so cheap to print, they'll be really inexpensive. I think I should also be able to get the invites for her birthday party for free, or almost free thanks to Pampers rewards. I can't believe her birthday is in less than three months.
A friend from my old job announced just before Thanksgiving that she's going to be a grandma, her son's girlfriend is pregnant. This woman loves babies, like LOVES babies, she even got me a gift for Emily in addition to whatever she contributed to my work shower. I was really happy for her when she announced it. Then today, she announced her other son's girlfriend is pregnant and due just two months after the first, so she'll be getting her first two grandkids both this summer. I'm so happy for her....but sad that I can't look at pregnancy announcements the same way anymore. When I hear of them, instead of my first reaction being, wow, how exciting, it's "I hope everything goes ok". Especially with her expecting two, it just makes me worried that the chances have increased that something will happen with one of them. Things that don't cross most peoples' minds, cross mine now. It's so unfair.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Emily's first Christmas
Christmas was great, it was so much fun to watch her open gifts and see all her new things. She got lots of great gifts from everyone. On Tuesday we let her open her Christmas Eve box, a day early since we have plans with family that night. She mostly just beat on the box so we had to do most of the tearing of the wrapping paper. Once the box was open she went right for daddy's box of Bunch o' Crunch, she liked shaking it like a rattle. I had a box of Raisinettes and there was also a bag of popcorn though we never got around to having that. She got a new pair of festive jammies and the movies The Rescuers and The Rescuers Down Under. My husband and I enjoyed the candy and we all watched The Rescuers Down Under. It will be more exciting as she gets older and understands what is going on, but for now it was a nice evening and I was happy to start the tradition.
On Christmas eve I got her all dressed up in a red and black fancy dress complete with tights and Mary Janes....she doesn't need to be an ultimate girly girl like my niece, but I am hoping she doesn't despise girly stuff like I did when I was little. It would be nice if she'll willingly put on dresses for special occasions as she gets older. So she and I met my dad at church, Ryan stayed home to get dinner ready. She did wonderful at church, she was very quiet for the first half, and only made a few sounds through out the second half, and they were just the ones that prompt friendly looks and smiles from the people around us. No ear piercing screaming thank goodness.
Then we went home, dad and my stepmom and stepsister came over, as did my brother and his wife. We had grilled burgers and cheese and chocolate fondue. The traditional swiss cheese turned out good, but the velveeta cheese and the chocolate didn't go so well. Oh well, live and learn. After dinner we opened presents, in addition to the new jumper dad and my stepmom got her (which came that evening before church so she got to try it out and loved it) she also got a ton of clothes, cute slippers and lots of books. They also got her some toys to keep at my dad's house so she has things to play with there and a Molly doll (Bubble Guppies) that talks.
The next morning we blissfully slept till 9 and once Em was all changed, we opened her presents first. She needed help, but she did pretty good. We got her a Minnie Mouse doll that crawls...kinda hoping Minnie will teach her how to crawl. She also got a baby doll with a soft body and her head rattles, and she got some stocking stuffers like more pacis, those net things you can put fruit in them so she can chew on the fruit with less risk of choking, more teething toys and a small rattle stuffed animal.
After a nice nap, we got ready and went to my inlaws and had an amazing dinner. One day I would love to be able to host like my MIL does. She never looks frazzled, the food always turned out good and there is room on the table for everything without having to go to different stations all over the kitchen to get your food.
At their house, one person opens all of their presents at a time and we go in order of age, so Emily got to go first. My inlaws got her an activity table and a thing with balls in it that spin around and the lights light up when you push the top. I think they also got her some clothes and in her stocking were these adorable pink moccasins. My SIL and BIL got her some clothes and some cute little fur lined white boots. Unfortunately none of her slippers or boots stay on very well but they make for good photo ops.
So it was a great first Christmas, and it was nice to experience it through a child's eyes again. I've always loved Christmas, but it's gotten a bit boring as an adult, so it's exciting to get to relive it through Emily and see her so excited. I know it will only get better as she gets a little older, but even at 9 months she looked happy and excited to see her gifts, and she hugged all of her stuffed animals that she got. I felt bad though that I didn't feel bad enough about missing Kayla over Christmas. I miss her, every single day, but Christmas isn't as hard because of Emily. Right after we lost her, I decided right then and there that I didn't want to have Christmas last year. We were still 9 months away, but at the time I wanted nothing to do with it. I didn't want to decorate or put up a tree, I didn't want lights outside or to celebrate with any family. It was just going to be another regular day. In fact we were contemplating going away for Christmas so we wouldn't even have to be reminded what time of year it was.
But, after 9 months, we had healed enough to breathe a little easier, but the biggest band aid for our hearts was the fact that by Christmas last year, I was 6 months pregnant with Emily, so we decided to go ahead with Christmas as usual. It wasn't easy, and I was anxious about it, but it went alright. But this year....I was excited for it. I couldn't wait to see Emily open her gifts and stick to traditions we had when me and my husband were kids, and traditions we were starting with our own family. It's very hard to be sad around Emily, she makes me smile all day every day. So it makes me feel terrible that Christmas wasn't hard without Kayla. I miss her every day, I think about her every day, and I look at Emily and I wonder who Kayla would have been. But there is one glaring thing that goes through my mind far too often, and that is, Emily wouldn't be here if Kayla was.
I will never ever ever say I am happy that we lost Kayla. I will never say it all worked out for the best. I know if she had survived and we never knew Emily, we would be full of smiles and laughter every day over what Kayla would do. But aside from feeling her inside me for 4 months and holding her tiny body, I don't know her. I don't know what her personality would have been like, I don't know what her eyes would have looked like, I don't know how her voice would have sounded. But I do know all of that about Emily, and it kills me, it fucking kills me to think of my life without Emily. She can never replace Kayla, and I will always love her and miss her, but I feel so guilty for not missing her more, for not being more sad at Christmas time. I liked a bereavement page on facebook and there has been lots of talk about getting through the holidays and people commenting, saying how terrible they are, saying how miserable they are without their baby. Why aren't I more sad? It sounds stupid to wish to be more sad, but I am afraid of losing her, I am afraid of letting Emily replace her.
But it hasn't all been easy. We got family photos taken last month, and we have a large canvas print in our living room. I look at it often, and think about how it is a lie. We are all smiling, our cute little family of three, but we are not a family of three, but the fourth member is gone. And sigining the Christmas cards....I had them printed to say "Love, the Smiths" (not our real name btw), so that I didn't have to feel judged by signing Kayla's name or feel bad for not signing it, but then I went ahead and signed the back with our three names. I felt terrible about that from the moment I mailed them. I will not be making that mistake again in coming years.
So, hopefully I am just at a place in my grief right now where I need to be happy. I know there is nothing wrong with being happy, and nothing wrong with loving Emily....I just have so little of Kayla to hold on to, I am afraid of letting go even more.
Emily has a second tooth coming in, it's her other bottom incisor. She seems to be feeling better, I haven't needed to give her as much medicine lately and she isn't crying as much, but the first one is popped all the way through and the second one is mostly popped through, so I think the pain is subsiding for now. But I am sure it won't be long until another one comes popping through and makes my baby cry some more.
I am trying to teach her how to drink from a sippy cup. She does better than she used to, a couple months ago when I tried, she just chewed on the handles. Now she does put the spout in her mouth, but it's the kind that nothing will come out without some sucking, and so far she doesn't do that. Not sure if I should be using a different sippy, or if I just need to keep offering it and eventually she will get it. Her new thing lately, and she doesn't do it all the time, but sometimes if I get close to her face and say "Emmy can I have a kiss", she'll tilt her head up and meet me for a kiss. It's sooooo sweet.
We went up north this past weekend for the annual christmas party on my dad's side. It's actually the first time I've gone, I always had to go back to work the day after Christmas so I never felt like going out of town. It was nice, lots of good food and my aunts were all excited to see Emily again and they all passed her around like a hot potato. My dad was holding her and I was sitting across the table from them. My grandma was next to them and suddenly she gave Emily a rubberband to play with. Before I could even finish the thought of WTF is she thinking, she's either going to snap herself or put that nasty thing in her mouth, Emily promptly took it from her, pulled it with her other hand and snapped it on her wrist. She got a shocked look on her face, then burst into tears. If I could read her thoughts, they would have been, "Whhhhy did you give me that, it huuuuurt". She was fine, and I wasn't super mad, but my grandma raised 12 kids, she has 28 grandkids, 16 great grandkids and her first great great grandkid was born today actually. Why in the hell did she think it was a good idea to give a baby a rubberband?
On Christmas eve I got her all dressed up in a red and black fancy dress complete with tights and Mary Janes....she doesn't need to be an ultimate girly girl like my niece, but I am hoping she doesn't despise girly stuff like I did when I was little. It would be nice if she'll willingly put on dresses for special occasions as she gets older. So she and I met my dad at church, Ryan stayed home to get dinner ready. She did wonderful at church, she was very quiet for the first half, and only made a few sounds through out the second half, and they were just the ones that prompt friendly looks and smiles from the people around us. No ear piercing screaming thank goodness.
Then we went home, dad and my stepmom and stepsister came over, as did my brother and his wife. We had grilled burgers and cheese and chocolate fondue. The traditional swiss cheese turned out good, but the velveeta cheese and the chocolate didn't go so well. Oh well, live and learn. After dinner we opened presents, in addition to the new jumper dad and my stepmom got her (which came that evening before church so she got to try it out and loved it) she also got a ton of clothes, cute slippers and lots of books. They also got her some toys to keep at my dad's house so she has things to play with there and a Molly doll (Bubble Guppies) that talks.
The next morning we blissfully slept till 9 and once Em was all changed, we opened her presents first. She needed help, but she did pretty good. We got her a Minnie Mouse doll that crawls...kinda hoping Minnie will teach her how to crawl. She also got a baby doll with a soft body and her head rattles, and she got some stocking stuffers like more pacis, those net things you can put fruit in them so she can chew on the fruit with less risk of choking, more teething toys and a small rattle stuffed animal.
After a nice nap, we got ready and went to my inlaws and had an amazing dinner. One day I would love to be able to host like my MIL does. She never looks frazzled, the food always turned out good and there is room on the table for everything without having to go to different stations all over the kitchen to get your food.
At their house, one person opens all of their presents at a time and we go in order of age, so Emily got to go first. My inlaws got her an activity table and a thing with balls in it that spin around and the lights light up when you push the top. I think they also got her some clothes and in her stocking were these adorable pink moccasins. My SIL and BIL got her some clothes and some cute little fur lined white boots. Unfortunately none of her slippers or boots stay on very well but they make for good photo ops.
So it was a great first Christmas, and it was nice to experience it through a child's eyes again. I've always loved Christmas, but it's gotten a bit boring as an adult, so it's exciting to get to relive it through Emily and see her so excited. I know it will only get better as she gets a little older, but even at 9 months she looked happy and excited to see her gifts, and she hugged all of her stuffed animals that she got. I felt bad though that I didn't feel bad enough about missing Kayla over Christmas. I miss her, every single day, but Christmas isn't as hard because of Emily. Right after we lost her, I decided right then and there that I didn't want to have Christmas last year. We were still 9 months away, but at the time I wanted nothing to do with it. I didn't want to decorate or put up a tree, I didn't want lights outside or to celebrate with any family. It was just going to be another regular day. In fact we were contemplating going away for Christmas so we wouldn't even have to be reminded what time of year it was.
But, after 9 months, we had healed enough to breathe a little easier, but the biggest band aid for our hearts was the fact that by Christmas last year, I was 6 months pregnant with Emily, so we decided to go ahead with Christmas as usual. It wasn't easy, and I was anxious about it, but it went alright. But this year....I was excited for it. I couldn't wait to see Emily open her gifts and stick to traditions we had when me and my husband were kids, and traditions we were starting with our own family. It's very hard to be sad around Emily, she makes me smile all day every day. So it makes me feel terrible that Christmas wasn't hard without Kayla. I miss her every day, I think about her every day, and I look at Emily and I wonder who Kayla would have been. But there is one glaring thing that goes through my mind far too often, and that is, Emily wouldn't be here if Kayla was.
I will never ever ever say I am happy that we lost Kayla. I will never say it all worked out for the best. I know if she had survived and we never knew Emily, we would be full of smiles and laughter every day over what Kayla would do. But aside from feeling her inside me for 4 months and holding her tiny body, I don't know her. I don't know what her personality would have been like, I don't know what her eyes would have looked like, I don't know how her voice would have sounded. But I do know all of that about Emily, and it kills me, it fucking kills me to think of my life without Emily. She can never replace Kayla, and I will always love her and miss her, but I feel so guilty for not missing her more, for not being more sad at Christmas time. I liked a bereavement page on facebook and there has been lots of talk about getting through the holidays and people commenting, saying how terrible they are, saying how miserable they are without their baby. Why aren't I more sad? It sounds stupid to wish to be more sad, but I am afraid of losing her, I am afraid of letting Emily replace her.
But it hasn't all been easy. We got family photos taken last month, and we have a large canvas print in our living room. I look at it often, and think about how it is a lie. We are all smiling, our cute little family of three, but we are not a family of three, but the fourth member is gone. And sigining the Christmas cards....I had them printed to say "Love, the Smiths" (not our real name btw), so that I didn't have to feel judged by signing Kayla's name or feel bad for not signing it, but then I went ahead and signed the back with our three names. I felt terrible about that from the moment I mailed them. I will not be making that mistake again in coming years.
So, hopefully I am just at a place in my grief right now where I need to be happy. I know there is nothing wrong with being happy, and nothing wrong with loving Emily....I just have so little of Kayla to hold on to, I am afraid of letting go even more.
Emily has a second tooth coming in, it's her other bottom incisor. She seems to be feeling better, I haven't needed to give her as much medicine lately and she isn't crying as much, but the first one is popped all the way through and the second one is mostly popped through, so I think the pain is subsiding for now. But I am sure it won't be long until another one comes popping through and makes my baby cry some more.
I am trying to teach her how to drink from a sippy cup. She does better than she used to, a couple months ago when I tried, she just chewed on the handles. Now she does put the spout in her mouth, but it's the kind that nothing will come out without some sucking, and so far she doesn't do that. Not sure if I should be using a different sippy, or if I just need to keep offering it and eventually she will get it. Her new thing lately, and she doesn't do it all the time, but sometimes if I get close to her face and say "Emmy can I have a kiss", she'll tilt her head up and meet me for a kiss. It's sooooo sweet.
We went up north this past weekend for the annual christmas party on my dad's side. It's actually the first time I've gone, I always had to go back to work the day after Christmas so I never felt like going out of town. It was nice, lots of good food and my aunts were all excited to see Emily again and they all passed her around like a hot potato. My dad was holding her and I was sitting across the table from them. My grandma was next to them and suddenly she gave Emily a rubberband to play with. Before I could even finish the thought of WTF is she thinking, she's either going to snap herself or put that nasty thing in her mouth, Emily promptly took it from her, pulled it with her other hand and snapped it on her wrist. She got a shocked look on her face, then burst into tears. If I could read her thoughts, they would have been, "Whhhhy did you give me that, it huuuuurt". She was fine, and I wasn't super mad, but my grandma raised 12 kids, she has 28 grandkids, 16 great grandkids and her first great great grandkid was born today actually. Why in the hell did she think it was a good idea to give a baby a rubberband?
Monday, December 22, 2014
9 months
Emily turned 9 months last week. Where is the time going? My baby is such a big girl now, she doesn't even look like a baby to me anymore. I can't believe that in addition to the 9 months I was pregnant with her that she's been with us now for 18 months. It is true, once you have kids, you have no idea how you lived without them before.
A few days before she turned 9 months I noticed her first tooth coming in. Yay! Or so I thought. I was so excited to finally see a tooth, I've been looking for them since she started drooling around 3 months. I was even surprised to see that she was handling it quite well, she would cry more than usual, if I took a toy away, or if I left the room when she didn't want me to she'd cry, but that was about it....until the end of last week. She cried at the drop of a hat, she's difficult to console, and she's all stuffy and snotty because of the teething. She sneezes a lot and always has snot all over her face, so I try to clean her up but she hates it and cries even more.
I hate it, I feel so bad for her. So I assume that in addition to the one that has already popped through, she probably has a few more waiting to cut through and causing her a lot of pain. I ran to the store the other night and bought her more Tylenol (cause you can never have enough infant Tylenol in the house), baby orajel, boogie wipes and Hyland teething tablets. My purchases must have screamed "I am a new mom". But the lady in front of me was even more frazzled. Her son lost a shoe and she was freaked that she lost it in the store somewhere, then he wouldn't sit in the cart without crying so she had to hold him, then she forgot to ask for another receipt so she had to ask the cashier to reprint it. She apologized to me for taking too long and I said that's ok, mine is probably crying at home right now. She was like thank goodness, someone who gets it. Then she started to walk away without her bags and the cashier had to call her back and I could tell, on top of being frazzled, that she was embarrased too.
She seemed nice, I wish I wouldn't have been weird to stop her and ask to be mommy friends. I had to laugh one day on the bump some women were discussing how to get another mom's number. They sounded like a bunch of guys talked about getting some chicks number, but it was just a mom who wanted to hang out with another mom.
Just two more days until Christmas, I cannot wait to watch Emily open her presents. And watch her play with them, I feel like she's getting a little bored with her toys. I'm also excited to see what she gets....people keep telling me what they got for her and I'm just like shhhh, I want it to be a surprise for me too. The jumper/exersaucer thing we bought for her is huuuge so we ended up putting that one in the basement for when we're down there, and using a smaller one my aunt had given me. But she was able to rip off two of the three toys on it and seemed bored, so I took it back to Once Upon a child to sell it and buy a new one, but they didn't have any! They usually have a ton, so I sold hers back and couldn't get her another one. So I checked a resale place by my dad's house but they only had one boring looking one and it was too much money for being second hand. My dad and stepmom hadn't gotten their big gift for her yet so I picked out one I liked and they bought it for her for christmas. It's all pink....I had been trying to get big things gender neutral in case we ever end up having a boy, but whatever. I don't care anymore. I am glad the carseat and strollers are all neutral, but if we ever had a boy I'd just buy him a second hand jumper and sell the pink one. Same with the highchair. It's too bad they don't make the fabric to buy and swap out the pink for the blue since there is obviously nothing wrong with the plastic underneath.
Emily had her 9 month appointment today. Everything was good, and I loved that she didn't need any shots. I am not sure I could handle her screaming and crying over shots and teething. So the doctor said I can start feeding her more solid food meals and cut out her midnight bottle. Actually she kind of gave me a funny look when I told her I woke her up for the bottle. I figured she was too old to be getting a bottle in the middle of the night, but I tried cutting it out a couple months ago and just giving her more in her bottles, but her little tummy couldn't handle the big bottles at the time, and then she'd get constipated from not getting as many liquids. I think she can handle it now though.
But the best part is, that means I can go to bed whenever I want. Many nights, like tonight, I could go to bed right now (11:30) or sooner, but I had to stay up till midnight to feed her, and then I would miss my "window" of being tired and end up staying up till 2 or 3 and just lay there, tossing a turning. But now I don't have to wait up, I can just go to bed whenever I am tired. She normally went right back to bed after her bottle, but some nights she would end up wide awake after and then be up for an hour or two. So another reason to be glad we can stop that.
A few days before she turned 9 months I noticed her first tooth coming in. Yay! Or so I thought. I was so excited to finally see a tooth, I've been looking for them since she started drooling around 3 months. I was even surprised to see that she was handling it quite well, she would cry more than usual, if I took a toy away, or if I left the room when she didn't want me to she'd cry, but that was about it....until the end of last week. She cried at the drop of a hat, she's difficult to console, and she's all stuffy and snotty because of the teething. She sneezes a lot and always has snot all over her face, so I try to clean her up but she hates it and cries even more.
I hate it, I feel so bad for her. So I assume that in addition to the one that has already popped through, she probably has a few more waiting to cut through and causing her a lot of pain. I ran to the store the other night and bought her more Tylenol (cause you can never have enough infant Tylenol in the house), baby orajel, boogie wipes and Hyland teething tablets. My purchases must have screamed "I am a new mom". But the lady in front of me was even more frazzled. Her son lost a shoe and she was freaked that she lost it in the store somewhere, then he wouldn't sit in the cart without crying so she had to hold him, then she forgot to ask for another receipt so she had to ask the cashier to reprint it. She apologized to me for taking too long and I said that's ok, mine is probably crying at home right now. She was like thank goodness, someone who gets it. Then she started to walk away without her bags and the cashier had to call her back and I could tell, on top of being frazzled, that she was embarrased too.
She seemed nice, I wish I wouldn't have been weird to stop her and ask to be mommy friends. I had to laugh one day on the bump some women were discussing how to get another mom's number. They sounded like a bunch of guys talked about getting some chicks number, but it was just a mom who wanted to hang out with another mom.
Just two more days until Christmas, I cannot wait to watch Emily open her presents. And watch her play with them, I feel like she's getting a little bored with her toys. I'm also excited to see what she gets....people keep telling me what they got for her and I'm just like shhhh, I want it to be a surprise for me too. The jumper/exersaucer thing we bought for her is huuuge so we ended up putting that one in the basement for when we're down there, and using a smaller one my aunt had given me. But she was able to rip off two of the three toys on it and seemed bored, so I took it back to Once Upon a child to sell it and buy a new one, but they didn't have any! They usually have a ton, so I sold hers back and couldn't get her another one. So I checked a resale place by my dad's house but they only had one boring looking one and it was too much money for being second hand. My dad and stepmom hadn't gotten their big gift for her yet so I picked out one I liked and they bought it for her for christmas. It's all pink....I had been trying to get big things gender neutral in case we ever end up having a boy, but whatever. I don't care anymore. I am glad the carseat and strollers are all neutral, but if we ever had a boy I'd just buy him a second hand jumper and sell the pink one. Same with the highchair. It's too bad they don't make the fabric to buy and swap out the pink for the blue since there is obviously nothing wrong with the plastic underneath.
Emily had her 9 month appointment today. Everything was good, and I loved that she didn't need any shots. I am not sure I could handle her screaming and crying over shots and teething. So the doctor said I can start feeding her more solid food meals and cut out her midnight bottle. Actually she kind of gave me a funny look when I told her I woke her up for the bottle. I figured she was too old to be getting a bottle in the middle of the night, but I tried cutting it out a couple months ago and just giving her more in her bottles, but her little tummy couldn't handle the big bottles at the time, and then she'd get constipated from not getting as many liquids. I think she can handle it now though.
But the best part is, that means I can go to bed whenever I want. Many nights, like tonight, I could go to bed right now (11:30) or sooner, but I had to stay up till midnight to feed her, and then I would miss my "window" of being tired and end up staying up till 2 or 3 and just lay there, tossing a turning. But now I don't have to wait up, I can just go to bed whenever I am tired. She normally went right back to bed after her bottle, but some nights she would end up wide awake after and then be up for an hour or two. So another reason to be glad we can stop that.
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