Well Emily is finally in her big girl bed. It wasn't too sad taking her crib down, but I did realize that it was about this time, three years ago that we were putting it together. Crazy how fast time flies.
She was at her Nana and Papa's that day so when she got home we told her we had a big surprise for her, and took her in to see it. It's a twin, and I covered an old ugly headboard I found at a second hand shop with a grey and white material with a trellis pattern. It turned out really cute. I picked out a comforter with different shades of pink that has flowers and trees on it. It's not matchy matchy with the headboard but I think it goes well with it.
We already had the mattress, frame, and box springs. My inlaws were getting rid of them years ago and asked if we wanted them, so they've been in the basement all this time. I hadn't thought of using them until I got the idea to re-do an old headboard, so it all worked out well, and we didn't have to spend anything. Just the $15 that I think the headboard was, the material, and sheets and the comforter. It's actually a really comfortable mattress too. The next day my dad picked Emily up for the day so I could work, and I took a short nap in there. I recall my childhood bed being super super comfortable too. Dare I say, more comfortable than our crazy expensive tempur pedic???
So that first night she was pretty excited, she kept jumping up and down saying big girl bed. Once we got her tucked in, she seemed a little hesitant about us leaving, so I stayed in there and laid on the floor until she fell asleep. Luckily that was only about 10 minutes since she hardly ever naps at Nana's anymore, so she was more than ready for bed.
She woke up crying around 5:30, but I just stroked her hair and tucked her back in and she seemed fine. But she woke up crying again at 9, but when I went in to get her, it was like a pathetic cry. She seemed very sad and wimpery, I thought maybe it was the bed, missing her old bed. I picked her up and she snuggled me and kept crying. She cried for like the first 15 minutes she was awake. I thought oh no, how do you do this....because clearly we weren't going to give her crib back to her, so how do you deal when a kid hates their new bed.
Then she came over to me, crawled up in my lap and threw up all over me. And instantly, she was her old self again, talking, and seemed fine. So...gross, but glad it wasn't about the bed. My dad said she seemed a little off that day, but no more puking or any obvious signs she was sick, just a little more cuddly than usual.
So yay, big girl bed was a success. She even dragged him in to see it when he came to pick her up. It fits really well into her room too. She's got a very small room, so I'm glad the twin is a good size. We were going to convert her crib into a bed, but it converts into a full size. That would have been a bit big for her room, plus she already looks so tiny in the twin. The full would swallow her up. As it is she doesn't really use the comforter and pillows. She still sleeps on her Minnie Mouse pillow and I pull the comforter back and she likes to be covered with the Paw Patrol blanket she used in her crib. But it's fine, having those two things probably made the transition easier, and the comforter and normal pillow is there if she wants them.
I don't know if her puking was related, but the next morning I woke up with a bad headache and was nauseas. Being a Friday, Ryan still had to sleep when he got home, so I just laid on the couch while she played, feeling miserable. At one point I got up to get her something and I had to run to the bathroom to throw up. I felt a lot better, but still not great, and within a couple hours I felt just as bad as I did before I threw up. Finally nap time came so I tucked her in, puked again and went to bed myself. Thank God it was the weekend so I didn't have to work, and Ryan was off so he did meals and bed times all weekend while I pretty much just slept and threw up. I was so thankful I had worked all day the day before so I had a 3 day weekend, but I was mad that I spent the whole thing being sick.
Thankfully Emily's one instance of throwing up was all she got, and Ryan never got it. I would have hated to see her suffer with that, and your husband being sick is the worst! From the symptoms, I am pretty sure I had the norovirus. So bad. I had it when I was about 8 weeks pregnant with Emily. That time was even worse though because I had morning sickness along with it, so double the nausea and throwing up. I spent almost that one whole night on the bathroom floor, praying to throw up so I could feel better and go back to bed. I ended up having to go to the ER the next morning because I was so dehydrated. Fun times.
Last weekend Ryan made her some steps so she can get in and out of bed herself. She loves them, and calls it "going upstairs", which technically is accurate. I'm going to have to somehow get them away from her for a day or two so I can paint them, and I got some grippy flower stickers to put on them so she won't slip on them. I can't believe her third birthday is coming up.
I have an appointment next month with my gyno to talk about permanent birth control. My mom had uterine cancer so I want to find out if I am at any higher risk of getting something like that, and if so then I might as well just have a hysterectomy. But if not, we'll look into less invasive options. It's funny because I have been pretty solid in my decision for the last year to not have any more kids, but just in the couple weeks since I made the appointment, I've had a few thoughts of, maybe we should have one more.
But I think it is just because we have things set in motion to make it impossible (or at least highly unlikely) so I think it's natural to doubt myself. Plus, if I did have more kids, this would be the good time to do it. Emily is almost 3, by the time another kid came she would be close to or older than 4. She can feed herself, mostly dress herself, she's day-time potty trained and has been staying dry some nights so she may be totally out of diapers soon. I had no interest in having 2 under 2, but having another one 3.5 to 4 years apart is definitely sounds more do-able.
But, the fact still remains that I am super high risk, I am almost 38, and my desire to have another baby isn't stronger than my fear of another loss. Besides, I don't really want another baby, I would just sometimes like to go back and have Emily all over again. Go back to the days where she napped on my chest every day, go back to having a little tiny baby. She's so much fun now, and still as adorable as ever, but I do have longings for a baby again. But, if you're lucky, they don't stay a baby forever and then you're right back int the same spot of having a 3 year old and missing the baby stage. I call it new puppy syndrome. Everyone likes cute new puppies, but nobody likes the work involved.
Plus our only other bedroom is my office and having a home office is kind of important when you work from home. My hours only keep growing and I have a promotion coming up in the next several months. I barely have time to do it all now, let alone with a pregnancy and a new baby. No, I'm happy with the way things are. Just a little sad about the hand that we were dealt. What I wouldn't give to see my two girls together.
Friday, January 13, 2017
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
near miss
This morning I got a phone call that nobody wants to get. Luckily for me and my family, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. My husband usually gets home from work at around 8am, and I think it was about a quarter till. All week I've been waking up before my alarm, so I was already up and browsing facebook when my MIL called. I instantly froze because she never calls this early, so I knew something must be wrong. For whatever reason I didn't answer. I guess because I didn't want to give in to the voice in my head saying something was wrong.
I was hoping she would leave a voicemail, saying something like sorry to call so early, just wanted to tell you, such and such. But a few seconds after it stopped ringing, she called again. Now I knew it was bad, so I answered. My husband was in a car accident, and his phone was damaged and like many, he doesn't know anybody's number. Luckily he remembered his parent's house phone, and luckily she is off on Wednesdays.
She said he was in an accident and she asked if she could come get him and he said no, I won't be here by then. He said he was ok, but that was all he really said. He had borrowed the paramedic's phone, so he couldn't talk long. She got the number off her caller ID so I called the number and got voicemail, but he called me a few minutes later. I was happy to talk to him, he said he was ok, but he sounded very weird, and everything he said was short and one word. He said they were taking him by ambulance to the hospital and for me to meet him there.
Of course I was thankful he sounded ok, and I got to talk to him instead of an EMT or a cop, but I was still worried. Thanks to watching too much Grey's Anatomy, I know someone who is alert and talking isn't always guaranteed a good outcome. My MIL usually takes Emily on Wednesdays, but wasn't going to today because she was going with my FIL to a doctor's appointment that was expected to take a while, but of course she offered to take her anyway so I didn't have to take her to the hospital with me.
So I got myself ready and then got Emmy up and dressed. I was ready to go when my MIL got there, so I took Em out to her car and....no car seat. My FIL takes it out for some reason when they're not using it. Which I don't get why, it's not that they often have passengers and need the seat, and even if they do give someone a ride, it's a 7 passenger vehicle, I think they'll be ok with one seat out of commission. So anyway, I was going to get my seat out and put it in hers but I knew that would be a pain and I was already stressed and anxious and trying to deal with getting the seat unhooked was probably not a good idea. So we just traded cars. Luckily they have the Buick version of our Traverse, so at least I didn't have to drive an unfamiliar car while anxious and worried.
The hospital wasn't far, and Ryan text me on the way, so that made me feel better. When I got there a very nice front desk lady looked up his info and took me back and pointed out what room he was in. It sounds corny, but when you're already freaking out, I was very thankful for a nice person when I walked in the door who was very helpful. So he was ok, he had a lot of dried blood on his face, and a cut on his head that was bleeding pretty steadily. The truck is totaled, and he's so sad about that. He loves that truck, and he just put a lot of money into it to get it how he wanted it. But I am so thankful he wasn't more hurt.
We opted to do a CT scan since his head was hurting and it came back clear. He got a shot for the pain and an rx for some pain meds, and they had to close his head cut. They tried gluing it at first but every time he moved his head at all or facial muscles it opened back up and started to bleed again. So once they got all the glue cleaned off, they stitched it instead...four stitches. I think I got there around 9:30 and we finally got discharged at 1:30. Neither of us had eaten anything so we went to the cafeteria to get some lunch while his prescriptions were being filled. Once we got home he got some much needed sleep. He's still feeling ok now, but I think tomorrow he will be very sore.
I don't spend a lot of time in ERs, I've went to the ER twice but was only there long enough for them to swoop me up to Ob triage when I was pregnant, and a few times I've been to another ER for my back, and once for norovirus and dehydration, also while pregnant. But those times, the ER was always pretty quiet. But today, we could hear several people groaning and yelling in pain, and not long after we got there today, we heard the doctor call out someone's time of death. That really shook me, I've been thinking about it all day. I know it happens, probably many times a day in every hospital, but to hear it for yourself, to know that another person just a few rooms down just died and that their family member was going to get that phone call 4 days before Christmas.....it's just so sad, and I am so thankful that the phone call I got today turned out with a pretty happy ending.
He's sore, he's banged up, his beloved truck is gone, but he is still here. It could have been so much worse. He wasn't wearing his seat belt, thank God for airbags. Thank God Emily wasn't with him. I'm so thankful that my dreaded morning turned out ok, but I am so sad for the family of that man or woman whose life ended today, and I am so aware of how easily that could have been our reality today.
I was hoping she would leave a voicemail, saying something like sorry to call so early, just wanted to tell you, such and such. But a few seconds after it stopped ringing, she called again. Now I knew it was bad, so I answered. My husband was in a car accident, and his phone was damaged and like many, he doesn't know anybody's number. Luckily he remembered his parent's house phone, and luckily she is off on Wednesdays.
She said he was in an accident and she asked if she could come get him and he said no, I won't be here by then. He said he was ok, but that was all he really said. He had borrowed the paramedic's phone, so he couldn't talk long. She got the number off her caller ID so I called the number and got voicemail, but he called me a few minutes later. I was happy to talk to him, he said he was ok, but he sounded very weird, and everything he said was short and one word. He said they were taking him by ambulance to the hospital and for me to meet him there.
Of course I was thankful he sounded ok, and I got to talk to him instead of an EMT or a cop, but I was still worried. Thanks to watching too much Grey's Anatomy, I know someone who is alert and talking isn't always guaranteed a good outcome. My MIL usually takes Emily on Wednesdays, but wasn't going to today because she was going with my FIL to a doctor's appointment that was expected to take a while, but of course she offered to take her anyway so I didn't have to take her to the hospital with me.
So I got myself ready and then got Emmy up and dressed. I was ready to go when my MIL got there, so I took Em out to her car and....no car seat. My FIL takes it out for some reason when they're not using it. Which I don't get why, it's not that they often have passengers and need the seat, and even if they do give someone a ride, it's a 7 passenger vehicle, I think they'll be ok with one seat out of commission. So anyway, I was going to get my seat out and put it in hers but I knew that would be a pain and I was already stressed and anxious and trying to deal with getting the seat unhooked was probably not a good idea. So we just traded cars. Luckily they have the Buick version of our Traverse, so at least I didn't have to drive an unfamiliar car while anxious and worried.
The hospital wasn't far, and Ryan text me on the way, so that made me feel better. When I got there a very nice front desk lady looked up his info and took me back and pointed out what room he was in. It sounds corny, but when you're already freaking out, I was very thankful for a nice person when I walked in the door who was very helpful. So he was ok, he had a lot of dried blood on his face, and a cut on his head that was bleeding pretty steadily. The truck is totaled, and he's so sad about that. He loves that truck, and he just put a lot of money into it to get it how he wanted it. But I am so thankful he wasn't more hurt.
We opted to do a CT scan since his head was hurting and it came back clear. He got a shot for the pain and an rx for some pain meds, and they had to close his head cut. They tried gluing it at first but every time he moved his head at all or facial muscles it opened back up and started to bleed again. So once they got all the glue cleaned off, they stitched it instead...four stitches. I think I got there around 9:30 and we finally got discharged at 1:30. Neither of us had eaten anything so we went to the cafeteria to get some lunch while his prescriptions were being filled. Once we got home he got some much needed sleep. He's still feeling ok now, but I think tomorrow he will be very sore.
I don't spend a lot of time in ERs, I've went to the ER twice but was only there long enough for them to swoop me up to Ob triage when I was pregnant, and a few times I've been to another ER for my back, and once for norovirus and dehydration, also while pregnant. But those times, the ER was always pretty quiet. But today, we could hear several people groaning and yelling in pain, and not long after we got there today, we heard the doctor call out someone's time of death. That really shook me, I've been thinking about it all day. I know it happens, probably many times a day in every hospital, but to hear it for yourself, to know that another person just a few rooms down just died and that their family member was going to get that phone call 4 days before Christmas.....it's just so sad, and I am so thankful that the phone call I got today turned out with a pretty happy ending.
He's sore, he's banged up, his beloved truck is gone, but he is still here. It could have been so much worse. He wasn't wearing his seat belt, thank God for airbags. Thank God Emily wasn't with him. I'm so thankful that my dreaded morning turned out ok, but I am so sad for the family of that man or woman whose life ended today, and I am so aware of how easily that could have been our reality today.
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Why do babies have to die?
I sat down at my computer tonight to work, and checked facebook first. The first post that I read, I skimmed the words "it is with heavy hearts" and I automatically knew what it was about. A friend of mine lost her baby. Another one. This is her second child to go to Heaven. She was about 15 weeks along. As if that's not horrible enough, tomorrow is the fourth anniversary of losing her first born, and of course Christmas is right around the corner.
It's so unfair. I don't know her that well. We went to high school together, I am not sure that we ever spoke back then, but she walked into the one and only evening of a support group I went to after we lost Kayla, and it was nice to see a familiar face. Since then we've been facebook friends. I like her children's pictures, relate to her posts about her son that she lost, and congratulated her on each pregnancy since. I cried for her tonight. Hearing of a pregnancy or child loss instantly resonates with me, and while no two people's pain is alike, I at least am familiar with the road they are about to embark on. So part of me cried for Kayla, as any loss is a painful reminder for me of my sweet angel. But I cried for her and the pain she is no doubt going through right now.
I had many reasons, but this was perhaps one of the biggest reasons I decided against having any more kids. I just could not go through any more heartbreak. Yes, I am missing out on the joy and love another baby would bring, but for me and where I am in my grief, the idea of the possible joy just wasn't worth the very scary and possibility of heartbreak. Emily was worth every second. I needed a child in my arms. I would have gone up against the worst odds to get her. But now that I have her, I'm done. I'm too fragile to go through that again. And this loss wasn't even related to why she lost her first son, which is the same issue I have and why I lost Kayla. Maybe I could have dealt with another pregnancy if incompetent cervix was the only thing I had to worry about....the cerclage held really well with Emily so hopefully it would have done its job again. But to know there are so many things that can go wrong, in addition to the way life already went wrong. It's maddening. I feel like any loss mom should get a free pass for any other bad thing. To be immune to anything else that can hurt you regarding your child.
Ryan and I went to see Collateral Beauty last weekend. It was good, but I did come out of the theater feeling a bit bummed. I wouldn't say the fear is paralyzing, but I definitely think about/worry about something happening to Emily every single day, and often several times a day. I am not sure how much of that is normal, every day fear that comes with the job of being a parent, and how much of it is because I've already experienced loss and I am terrified of it happening again, but this time with a little soul that I've had with me all these days, months, and years, and would absolutely die if anything happened to her. I feel like for the pain and suffering we've already been through, I wish we could get a "lifetime happiness card" guaranteeing that nothing else bad will happen concerning your children.
As I sat there, crying for her and her baby, and for myself and for Kayla, my phone was blowing up about someone's cat who is quite likely on her last few weeks of life. I get it, I love my cat, but I just couldn't right then. I couldn't hear about the trials and tribulations of a 16 year old cat who has lived a long and healthy life, that has been loved and well taken care of since she was a small kitten. I know people have a right to be sad about their dying pet, and others' worse pain doesn't negate their own, but in that moment I wanted to scream, I don't give a shit about your cat! So, obviously the anger stage is still alive and well, and not going anywhere any time soon.
Last week we took Kayla her Christmas tree, and put out a few decorations. I did ok, I didn't really cry, but I did tear up. It was bitter cold that night, and we had to clear away about a foot of snow off her grave. I hate to think that she's cold...and having to leave her in the cold, dark cemetery. I know that's stupid, it's just her body. But mothers will always worry about their babies, even in death.
Fly high baby Benjamin <3
It's so unfair. I don't know her that well. We went to high school together, I am not sure that we ever spoke back then, but she walked into the one and only evening of a support group I went to after we lost Kayla, and it was nice to see a familiar face. Since then we've been facebook friends. I like her children's pictures, relate to her posts about her son that she lost, and congratulated her on each pregnancy since. I cried for her tonight. Hearing of a pregnancy or child loss instantly resonates with me, and while no two people's pain is alike, I at least am familiar with the road they are about to embark on. So part of me cried for Kayla, as any loss is a painful reminder for me of my sweet angel. But I cried for her and the pain she is no doubt going through right now.
I had many reasons, but this was perhaps one of the biggest reasons I decided against having any more kids. I just could not go through any more heartbreak. Yes, I am missing out on the joy and love another baby would bring, but for me and where I am in my grief, the idea of the possible joy just wasn't worth the very scary and possibility of heartbreak. Emily was worth every second. I needed a child in my arms. I would have gone up against the worst odds to get her. But now that I have her, I'm done. I'm too fragile to go through that again. And this loss wasn't even related to why she lost her first son, which is the same issue I have and why I lost Kayla. Maybe I could have dealt with another pregnancy if incompetent cervix was the only thing I had to worry about....the cerclage held really well with Emily so hopefully it would have done its job again. But to know there are so many things that can go wrong, in addition to the way life already went wrong. It's maddening. I feel like any loss mom should get a free pass for any other bad thing. To be immune to anything else that can hurt you regarding your child.
Ryan and I went to see Collateral Beauty last weekend. It was good, but I did come out of the theater feeling a bit bummed. I wouldn't say the fear is paralyzing, but I definitely think about/worry about something happening to Emily every single day, and often several times a day. I am not sure how much of that is normal, every day fear that comes with the job of being a parent, and how much of it is because I've already experienced loss and I am terrified of it happening again, but this time with a little soul that I've had with me all these days, months, and years, and would absolutely die if anything happened to her. I feel like for the pain and suffering we've already been through, I wish we could get a "lifetime happiness card" guaranteeing that nothing else bad will happen concerning your children.
As I sat there, crying for her and her baby, and for myself and for Kayla, my phone was blowing up about someone's cat who is quite likely on her last few weeks of life. I get it, I love my cat, but I just couldn't right then. I couldn't hear about the trials and tribulations of a 16 year old cat who has lived a long and healthy life, that has been loved and well taken care of since she was a small kitten. I know people have a right to be sad about their dying pet, and others' worse pain doesn't negate their own, but in that moment I wanted to scream, I don't give a shit about your cat! So, obviously the anger stage is still alive and well, and not going anywhere any time soon.
Last week we took Kayla her Christmas tree, and put out a few decorations. I did ok, I didn't really cry, but I did tear up. It was bitter cold that night, and we had to clear away about a foot of snow off her grave. I hate to think that she's cold...and having to leave her in the cold, dark cemetery. I know that's stupid, it's just her body. But mothers will always worry about their babies, even in death.
Fly high baby Benjamin <3
Thursday, December 8, 2016
childhood memories
I spend a lot of time thinking about my parenting, and how my parents raised me. I often wonder if my mom watches over us, and is proud of the job I am doing as a mother. I don't know if most mothers feel this way, or if I do because I lost my mom when I was pretty young, but making lasting memories with Emily is so important to me, just in case one day I am not around for as much as her life as I should be.
Growing up, and still to this day, I was very close to my dad. We are very much alike, we agree on a lot of the same things, we have a similar personality and interests. Even as a young kid, my dad was just easier to be around. My mom expected a lot. She wanted me to be girly and frilly....maybe I wouldn't have wanted to be anyway, but I distinctly remember not wanting to be girly for the sheer reason that she tried so hard to make me that way. She was pretty hard on me...not in the punishment sense, I wasn't punished much at all as a kid, and really didn't even have a ton of responsibilities. But my mom put a lot of pressure on me. I was a good kid, I didn't get into much if any trouble at school, I got good, to very good grades, I had nice friends who weren't "bad influences", I didn't do drugs, or drink (much, we all experiment some), when I had sex for the first time it was something I thought long and hard about, resisted many instances of temptation so that my first time could be with someone I truly loved and was in a relationship with, and I even took the step of getting on birth control a few months before.
But none of that mattered to my mom. It didn't matter that I didn't drink or do drugs, my room was a mess, so I was a bad kid. Who cares that at 18, I got myself to the doctor and got myself on birth control, but I had sex before marriage, so bad bad bad. Don't get me wrong, I loved my mom, I still do and I miss her so much. But she set a very high bar for me that almost no kid could reach. But she did, so she expected me to. She was expected to reach that bar when she was young, and she apparently did, so no matter what I did, I would never be a great kid or a well-behaved kid or a responsible young lady because I didn't reach that bar.
My dad on the other hand, he just let me be. If I wanted to wear a dress, that's great. If I wanted to wear jeans and a tshirt, that's cool too. If I got a C in a class that I really struggled in, he was happy. If I skipped school, well, it was one time, no sense in making a mountain out of a molehill. I have no idea what he was thinking when my mom told him she "found" my birth control pills (scrunched up in a paper bag, at the bottom of my garbage can)....surely as a parent, no one is excited to hear this. After having two babies and married for 6 years, I am sure my dad would still happily like to believe that I am still a virgin. But he lived in the real world, he knew it was bound to happen, and at least I was in a committed relationship and I took steps to protect myself. There isn't much more a dad can hope for when it comes to their daughter having sex.
But, despite all that, when I was hurt, or sad, or didn't feel well, all I wanted in the world was my mommy. She had this amazing ability of making everything ok by just taking me in her arms and hugging me. I probably didn't paint a good picture of it above (my mom and I had a tumultuous relationship) but if I had to look back, especially during my childhood, and use one word to describe my mom, it would be nurturing. I want to be that for Emily. I want to be her safe haven, her comfy place, her place that she wants to be, no matter how old she is, when she just needs to be loved.
Although at the same time, I want to kick her ass and help her be the person I know she can be, which was my dad. It's funny because in some ways, he was so "whatever, that's not a big deal, kids will be kids" but at the same time, he pushed me to do things I was scared of, so I wasn't scared anymore. When he taught me how to drive, he used to push my leg down on the gas when I pulled out into traffic if I wasn't going fast enough. He would force me to try things I didn't want to do, at least once, no matter how much I cried and screamed and pleaded with him not to make me do it. He wanted me to try being an Acolyte at church. I was very shy, I wanted nothing to do with it, I begged and pleaded, he didn't move an inch. I tried it, and loved it. The summer I turned 16, he told me I had to get a job. I didn't want one, I was nervous, but he made me do it....I ended up loving my job, had a blast that summer, met a lot of great friends, and even met my first boyfriend there.
And then my mom, who was so hard on me with other things, was the one who would say it's ok, if you don't want to do that, you don't have to. I had a really stressful semester in college one year, and a lot of personal crap weighing on me too. I hated this one class, I wanted to drop it for no other reason than it was too much work and I was dreading the presentation we had to give at the end of the semester. My dad's advice....you have to take the class sometime, you've already put X amount of weeks in, might as well keep pushing through. My mom's advice....if you're that stressed out about it, maybe it's better to just drop it.
So I really hope that I can be all of those things for Emily. I mean, I don't want to set the bar so high that she is being set up to fail, but I want to be both the person she comes to for nurturing and comfort, and the person that doesn't let her get away with shit and push her to her potential. I have no idea if I am succeeding so far, but I think I am a pretty good balance of the two.
A lot of mornings, she watches cartoons and eats breakfast while I try to wake up, and browse facebook and timehop. Some days I am much more open to her "playing bubbles" (meaning, watch kids youtube vidoes) on my phone, because it means she sits on my lap while she watches. I just love having her warm little body close to mine, sitting and snuggling without a care in the world. I usually sit in the recliner, so my feet are hanging out right at about her waist level. When she plays or watches tv, she's often on the move, occasionally stopping to watch something....and she'll stand there and play with my feet. She'll either just stand there and hold my foot, or grab onto some toes. It sounds weird, and my husband thinks it is gross, but I just love it. I love that when she is near me, she has to be touching me and close to me in some way, even if it is just my stinky feet. I love it and I cherish it, because I know there will come a day when she no longer wants to be within an arm's length of me, and probably won't even want to talk to me or look at me. I hope we can defy the odds, I hope we can be the mother/daughter pair that can survive the tween/teenage years with our sanity mostly intact, especially because my mom and I did not. But even if we don't, I will cherish these moments, and at least have the memories of them when they stop.
With the holidays approaching, I am all about making memories and starting family traditions. My husband got a reciprocating saw last year, and has been using it quite a bit lately. One night he was out cutting some wood for a project, and it was starting to get dark out. It instantly brought me back to the nights when I was a kid, and as it was getting dark out, and my mom was in the kitchen making dinner, my dad would be outside working....either cutting things on his table saw, or using a chainsaw to cut up wood for the wood stove. Everyone always complains when time change happens and it gets dark out so early, but for me, when it's cold outside and your in the house, nice and warm, I love that it gets dark early. I guess it just brings back good memories for me.
We're embarking on our third annual outing for our Christmas tree tomorrow night. Since we've been together, we've done several different things. For a while we still used my artificial tree, once we decided to go real, some years we've had my dad bring one back for us from his tree farm up north, one year we went to a farm and cut one down, and one year Ryan brought one home from work, because one of the home improvement stores his boss had a contract with was giving away trees to employees since it was getting close to Christmas and they weren't selling as fast.
For at least the past 4 or 5 years we've been getting a tree from this farm that sets up a lot nearby. It's one of those old school lots with the string lights around the perimeter and the silver air stream camper parked on-site. I love it, brings back great memories of the tree lot my dad always took us to get our tree. For Emily's first Christmas, she was only 8 months old, so I just sat in the truck with her while Ryan picked one out, but last year we all walked the lot, picket out a tree and then went to dinner afterward. I decided to make that our yearly tradition, dinner and picking out the tree....and you have to go once it's dark so you can get the full affect of the lights strung up around the lot.
This year we have to add Emily's first hair cut to the festivities. She had an appointment a few days ago, but it was raining and yucky and cold, and well...when you're a work-at-home mom, you can do whatever the hell you want to do, and I didn't feel like going out in the rain that day. So I rescheduled for tomorrow. She's actually had several hair cuts by yours truly, and her Grammy. Her bangs grow like weeds, so we've had to keep up on those. But I do a terrible job, so assuming they don't cut them too short, I'll be excited for her to have evenly cut bangs for the first time ever. I'm also going to have them trim her hair overall a little. She has really long hair for a toddler, it's about to the middle of her back. But I've noticed the ends are really thin and scraggly, and she's almost 3 so I figured it was high time for her first official cut.
Her very first cut was actually when I cut off her rat tail around 8 months. She was born with a full head of hair, but for some reason had this little tail that grew so much faster than anything else. When I finally said screw the superstitions about cutting before one year, it was around 6 inches long when I cut it. But this will be her first official, at a salon, cut by a professional, hair cut. I'm so excited, I hope she does ok. But this place sounds great, it's especially for kids, they have a lot of games and videos, and the chairs are little cars that they can sit in while they get their hair cut. The website also boasted about how good the stylists are about working with the kids, and have even been known to walk around the salon while cutting hair, especially for special needs kids who have troubles sitting still for too long. Hopefully the experience will live up to what they claim. It's kind of funny, I booked the appointment for the baby's first hair cut package. I am not entirely sure what that entails, but I assume it lets them known it's her first cut so she'll be nervous, and probably includes a keepsake locke or something. But I feel kind of funny saying baby's first, and here will come in this walking, talking 2.5 year old. But, I think a lot of girls are much older than boys for their first hair cut. Wish us luck!
Growing up, and still to this day, I was very close to my dad. We are very much alike, we agree on a lot of the same things, we have a similar personality and interests. Even as a young kid, my dad was just easier to be around. My mom expected a lot. She wanted me to be girly and frilly....maybe I wouldn't have wanted to be anyway, but I distinctly remember not wanting to be girly for the sheer reason that she tried so hard to make me that way. She was pretty hard on me...not in the punishment sense, I wasn't punished much at all as a kid, and really didn't even have a ton of responsibilities. But my mom put a lot of pressure on me. I was a good kid, I didn't get into much if any trouble at school, I got good, to very good grades, I had nice friends who weren't "bad influences", I didn't do drugs, or drink (much, we all experiment some), when I had sex for the first time it was something I thought long and hard about, resisted many instances of temptation so that my first time could be with someone I truly loved and was in a relationship with, and I even took the step of getting on birth control a few months before.
But none of that mattered to my mom. It didn't matter that I didn't drink or do drugs, my room was a mess, so I was a bad kid. Who cares that at 18, I got myself to the doctor and got myself on birth control, but I had sex before marriage, so bad bad bad. Don't get me wrong, I loved my mom, I still do and I miss her so much. But she set a very high bar for me that almost no kid could reach. But she did, so she expected me to. She was expected to reach that bar when she was young, and she apparently did, so no matter what I did, I would never be a great kid or a well-behaved kid or a responsible young lady because I didn't reach that bar.
My dad on the other hand, he just let me be. If I wanted to wear a dress, that's great. If I wanted to wear jeans and a tshirt, that's cool too. If I got a C in a class that I really struggled in, he was happy. If I skipped school, well, it was one time, no sense in making a mountain out of a molehill. I have no idea what he was thinking when my mom told him she "found" my birth control pills (scrunched up in a paper bag, at the bottom of my garbage can)....surely as a parent, no one is excited to hear this. After having two babies and married for 6 years, I am sure my dad would still happily like to believe that I am still a virgin. But he lived in the real world, he knew it was bound to happen, and at least I was in a committed relationship and I took steps to protect myself. There isn't much more a dad can hope for when it comes to their daughter having sex.
But, despite all that, when I was hurt, or sad, or didn't feel well, all I wanted in the world was my mommy. She had this amazing ability of making everything ok by just taking me in her arms and hugging me. I probably didn't paint a good picture of it above (my mom and I had a tumultuous relationship) but if I had to look back, especially during my childhood, and use one word to describe my mom, it would be nurturing. I want to be that for Emily. I want to be her safe haven, her comfy place, her place that she wants to be, no matter how old she is, when she just needs to be loved.
Although at the same time, I want to kick her ass and help her be the person I know she can be, which was my dad. It's funny because in some ways, he was so "whatever, that's not a big deal, kids will be kids" but at the same time, he pushed me to do things I was scared of, so I wasn't scared anymore. When he taught me how to drive, he used to push my leg down on the gas when I pulled out into traffic if I wasn't going fast enough. He would force me to try things I didn't want to do, at least once, no matter how much I cried and screamed and pleaded with him not to make me do it. He wanted me to try being an Acolyte at church. I was very shy, I wanted nothing to do with it, I begged and pleaded, he didn't move an inch. I tried it, and loved it. The summer I turned 16, he told me I had to get a job. I didn't want one, I was nervous, but he made me do it....I ended up loving my job, had a blast that summer, met a lot of great friends, and even met my first boyfriend there.
And then my mom, who was so hard on me with other things, was the one who would say it's ok, if you don't want to do that, you don't have to. I had a really stressful semester in college one year, and a lot of personal crap weighing on me too. I hated this one class, I wanted to drop it for no other reason than it was too much work and I was dreading the presentation we had to give at the end of the semester. My dad's advice....you have to take the class sometime, you've already put X amount of weeks in, might as well keep pushing through. My mom's advice....if you're that stressed out about it, maybe it's better to just drop it.
So I really hope that I can be all of those things for Emily. I mean, I don't want to set the bar so high that she is being set up to fail, but I want to be both the person she comes to for nurturing and comfort, and the person that doesn't let her get away with shit and push her to her potential. I have no idea if I am succeeding so far, but I think I am a pretty good balance of the two.
A lot of mornings, she watches cartoons and eats breakfast while I try to wake up, and browse facebook and timehop. Some days I am much more open to her "playing bubbles" (meaning, watch kids youtube vidoes) on my phone, because it means she sits on my lap while she watches. I just love having her warm little body close to mine, sitting and snuggling without a care in the world. I usually sit in the recliner, so my feet are hanging out right at about her waist level. When she plays or watches tv, she's often on the move, occasionally stopping to watch something....and she'll stand there and play with my feet. She'll either just stand there and hold my foot, or grab onto some toes. It sounds weird, and my husband thinks it is gross, but I just love it. I love that when she is near me, she has to be touching me and close to me in some way, even if it is just my stinky feet. I love it and I cherish it, because I know there will come a day when she no longer wants to be within an arm's length of me, and probably won't even want to talk to me or look at me. I hope we can defy the odds, I hope we can be the mother/daughter pair that can survive the tween/teenage years with our sanity mostly intact, especially because my mom and I did not. But even if we don't, I will cherish these moments, and at least have the memories of them when they stop.
With the holidays approaching, I am all about making memories and starting family traditions. My husband got a reciprocating saw last year, and has been using it quite a bit lately. One night he was out cutting some wood for a project, and it was starting to get dark out. It instantly brought me back to the nights when I was a kid, and as it was getting dark out, and my mom was in the kitchen making dinner, my dad would be outside working....either cutting things on his table saw, or using a chainsaw to cut up wood for the wood stove. Everyone always complains when time change happens and it gets dark out so early, but for me, when it's cold outside and your in the house, nice and warm, I love that it gets dark early. I guess it just brings back good memories for me.
We're embarking on our third annual outing for our Christmas tree tomorrow night. Since we've been together, we've done several different things. For a while we still used my artificial tree, once we decided to go real, some years we've had my dad bring one back for us from his tree farm up north, one year we went to a farm and cut one down, and one year Ryan brought one home from work, because one of the home improvement stores his boss had a contract with was giving away trees to employees since it was getting close to Christmas and they weren't selling as fast.
For at least the past 4 or 5 years we've been getting a tree from this farm that sets up a lot nearby. It's one of those old school lots with the string lights around the perimeter and the silver air stream camper parked on-site. I love it, brings back great memories of the tree lot my dad always took us to get our tree. For Emily's first Christmas, she was only 8 months old, so I just sat in the truck with her while Ryan picked one out, but last year we all walked the lot, picket out a tree and then went to dinner afterward. I decided to make that our yearly tradition, dinner and picking out the tree....and you have to go once it's dark so you can get the full affect of the lights strung up around the lot.
This year we have to add Emily's first hair cut to the festivities. She had an appointment a few days ago, but it was raining and yucky and cold, and well...when you're a work-at-home mom, you can do whatever the hell you want to do, and I didn't feel like going out in the rain that day. So I rescheduled for tomorrow. She's actually had several hair cuts by yours truly, and her Grammy. Her bangs grow like weeds, so we've had to keep up on those. But I do a terrible job, so assuming they don't cut them too short, I'll be excited for her to have evenly cut bangs for the first time ever. I'm also going to have them trim her hair overall a little. She has really long hair for a toddler, it's about to the middle of her back. But I've noticed the ends are really thin and scraggly, and she's almost 3 so I figured it was high time for her first official cut.
Her very first cut was actually when I cut off her rat tail around 8 months. She was born with a full head of hair, but for some reason had this little tail that grew so much faster than anything else. When I finally said screw the superstitions about cutting before one year, it was around 6 inches long when I cut it. But this will be her first official, at a salon, cut by a professional, hair cut. I'm so excited, I hope she does ok. But this place sounds great, it's especially for kids, they have a lot of games and videos, and the chairs are little cars that they can sit in while they get their hair cut. The website also boasted about how good the stylists are about working with the kids, and have even been known to walk around the salon while cutting hair, especially for special needs kids who have troubles sitting still for too long. Hopefully the experience will live up to what they claim. It's kind of funny, I booked the appointment for the baby's first hair cut package. I am not entirely sure what that entails, but I assume it lets them known it's her first cut so she'll be nervous, and probably includes a keepsake locke or something. But I feel kind of funny saying baby's first, and here will come in this walking, talking 2.5 year old. But, I think a lot of girls are much older than boys for their first hair cut. Wish us luck!
Saturday, December 3, 2016
Long time no write
Five years ago today I got my first ever positive pregnancy test. My time hop reminded me of it because I had taken a picture of the digital test. That baby would have turned 4 this past August. Seems weird to think that I would have a 4 year old right now. Or a 3 year old if Kayla had lived. But I am ever so thankful for my 2 year old.
My stepmom's nephew needs a carseat and he doesn't have much money, so I told her he could have Emily's old bucket seats. She'll never need it again, it and the bases are cluttering up the basement and you're really not supposed to buy used seats, so I doubt I could get much if any money for them. I mentioned it to Ryan, I don't know why....I guess just to let him know. He asked if I was sure I wanted to do that, implying that we might still need them one day. Oh God, I thought we were on the same page as that, and now he sounds like he is maybe possibly considering another baby? I had planned on one or both of us getting something permanent done BC wise in the new year.
I mean, I haven't fully accepted, or I guess maybe finished mourning the idea of another baby. I still have pangs now and again, I still wish it was a perfect world where I could have another baby. My cousin posted a picture of her two daughters the other day reading a book together....the oldest is six months younger than Em, and her youngest is 5 months old. It was the sweetest picture. So yeah, I do still sometimes wish I could have another baby, meaning I would wake up tomorrow and not be of advanced maternal age, not have all of my high risk issues, not have a history of loss and the risk of experiencing that same loss.
But, I do. So for those reasons and others, I don't want another. I think it is normal to grieve the loss of not having another, even if you don't really want one. But I know I am done, because the idea of taking OPKs all the time, and temping, and taking pregnancy tests, and experiencing the awful let down every month that it's negative, and then the joy and fear once you do get pregnant, and then the fatigue and exhaustion of trying to keep up with Emily while pregnant.... Freaking out every time I have a cramp, or I spot, that awful feeling when the worry sets in and you think, why wouldn't I lose this baby, why wouldn't more bad things happen to me?
My job is only getting more and more in-depth and I will only be gaining more responsibilities and hours in the future, we have no other place to put my home office so that another baby could have this room, and Emily's room is barely big enough for her, let alone sharing a room with a sibling. Like, all of that just doesn't even seem to be in the realm of possibility any more. I am done.
So, we took Emily to see Santa today. Second year in a row it did not go well. Her first year she was too young to be upset, she just sat on his lap, looking at him like whoooo are you???? Last year she was shy and upset and wouldn't let me put her down, but she would at least sit on my lap while I sat next to him. Of course I hadn't planned on being in the picture, so I looked like crap. This year I assumed I would have to be in it so I dressed nice and did my hair and make up, but she threw such a fit, she wouldn't even sit on my lap for a decent picture. I guess we'll try again next year.
We took her to her first movie a few weeks ago, we saw Trolls. We were going to wait until she was like 4, but then I thought, eh, she does really well in public, she had been getting excited every time she saw the Trolls commercial....and most people wait to take their first to a movie, but what do they do with subsequent children? They don't stop going to movies, so the younger sibs go whenever. So we went on a weekday, the earliest show they had. There were only like 5 other families there. She did good. She enjoyed her candy and food, and she seemed to like the movie. I told her she had to whisper if she had to say something, but every time she talked she spoke in her normal voice. But the movie was loud so likely no one heard her, and she's a kid at a kid movie, so whatever.
She did ask to go potty once, but I didn't think to grab my purse which has her fold up potty seat in it, and she is too afraid of big commercial potties, so it was an unsuccessful trip. But other than that she did great. I doubt we'll be in any rush to take her again soon. I couldn't relax quite as well as I would have liked, worried about her making noise or needing the potty and making sure she had her food, and didn't spill, etc. So unless something comes out that she would absolutely love, we'll probably just wait for the drive-in this summer. I'd like to take her to the new Beauty and the Beast coming out since she loves the animated one, but being that is has real people in it, I am not sure it will hold her interest, so we'll just catch it on DVD. I think I might make Ryan take me to see it though :)
My stepmom's nephew needs a carseat and he doesn't have much money, so I told her he could have Emily's old bucket seats. She'll never need it again, it and the bases are cluttering up the basement and you're really not supposed to buy used seats, so I doubt I could get much if any money for them. I mentioned it to Ryan, I don't know why....I guess just to let him know. He asked if I was sure I wanted to do that, implying that we might still need them one day. Oh God, I thought we were on the same page as that, and now he sounds like he is maybe possibly considering another baby? I had planned on one or both of us getting something permanent done BC wise in the new year.
I mean, I haven't fully accepted, or I guess maybe finished mourning the idea of another baby. I still have pangs now and again, I still wish it was a perfect world where I could have another baby. My cousin posted a picture of her two daughters the other day reading a book together....the oldest is six months younger than Em, and her youngest is 5 months old. It was the sweetest picture. So yeah, I do still sometimes wish I could have another baby, meaning I would wake up tomorrow and not be of advanced maternal age, not have all of my high risk issues, not have a history of loss and the risk of experiencing that same loss.
But, I do. So for those reasons and others, I don't want another. I think it is normal to grieve the loss of not having another, even if you don't really want one. But I know I am done, because the idea of taking OPKs all the time, and temping, and taking pregnancy tests, and experiencing the awful let down every month that it's negative, and then the joy and fear once you do get pregnant, and then the fatigue and exhaustion of trying to keep up with Emily while pregnant.... Freaking out every time I have a cramp, or I spot, that awful feeling when the worry sets in and you think, why wouldn't I lose this baby, why wouldn't more bad things happen to me?
My job is only getting more and more in-depth and I will only be gaining more responsibilities and hours in the future, we have no other place to put my home office so that another baby could have this room, and Emily's room is barely big enough for her, let alone sharing a room with a sibling. Like, all of that just doesn't even seem to be in the realm of possibility any more. I am done.
So, we took Emily to see Santa today. Second year in a row it did not go well. Her first year she was too young to be upset, she just sat on his lap, looking at him like whoooo are you???? Last year she was shy and upset and wouldn't let me put her down, but she would at least sit on my lap while I sat next to him. Of course I hadn't planned on being in the picture, so I looked like crap. This year I assumed I would have to be in it so I dressed nice and did my hair and make up, but she threw such a fit, she wouldn't even sit on my lap for a decent picture. I guess we'll try again next year.
We took her to her first movie a few weeks ago, we saw Trolls. We were going to wait until she was like 4, but then I thought, eh, she does really well in public, she had been getting excited every time she saw the Trolls commercial....and most people wait to take their first to a movie, but what do they do with subsequent children? They don't stop going to movies, so the younger sibs go whenever. So we went on a weekday, the earliest show they had. There were only like 5 other families there. She did good. She enjoyed her candy and food, and she seemed to like the movie. I told her she had to whisper if she had to say something, but every time she talked she spoke in her normal voice. But the movie was loud so likely no one heard her, and she's a kid at a kid movie, so whatever.
She did ask to go potty once, but I didn't think to grab my purse which has her fold up potty seat in it, and she is too afraid of big commercial potties, so it was an unsuccessful trip. But other than that she did great. I doubt we'll be in any rush to take her again soon. I couldn't relax quite as well as I would have liked, worried about her making noise or needing the potty and making sure she had her food, and didn't spill, etc. So unless something comes out that she would absolutely love, we'll probably just wait for the drive-in this summer. I'd like to take her to the new Beauty and the Beast coming out since she loves the animated one, but being that is has real people in it, I am not sure it will hold her interest, so we'll just catch it on DVD. I think I might make Ryan take me to see it though :)
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
Good people
A couple weeks ago, right before Halloween a little boy in our city was chasing his dog that got out, running into a busy 5 lane road. Sadly, both the boy and his dog were hit by a car and killed. Being so close, the story resonated with us. The little blonde boy reminded us of our nephew who is the same age and it took my husband back to his accident a few months ago where he hit a pedestrian. Luckily that man was ok save for some bumps and bruises, but it still really shook my husband up and he still thinks of it all every single day, and probably will for a long time.
We grieved for that little boy, his dog, and their family. But also for the lady that hit them. Witnesses say she was very upset, screaming "what have I done" at the accident scene. It was an accident though. It was dark, and the speed limit on that road is around 40 or 45. Sadly it is very likely that the little boy knew the dangers of running into the road. The dog got out of their house, so it sounds like they lived pretty close to the road, so he likely had been taught road safety. But worried about his best friend, it is understandable why he just reacted, and followed his dog into the road.
The story was on both local and tri-state area news for that whole week, showing a heartbreaking picture of the little boy and his dog snoozing on the couch. Being that I am no stranger to grief, I tend to get sucked into stories like these, feeling for how the family must have been feeling. Thinking about how they were probably thinking, this time two days ago my son was still alive, or this time a week ago, we had no idea what was about to happen. It's thoughts like that that haunt me, because you never know when that last hug, that last kiss, that last "I love you" will be. Days, hours, and just mere minutes before, we have no idea the pain that is about to take place.
The following Saturday, I was aware of the fact that it had been one week since it happened. Recently our city's fire station relocated not too far from our house. The night of the accident, it was unseasonably warm so my husband had the front door open, and he said the wails from all the sirens speeding to the scene of the accident was deafening, and he knew it must have been very bad for all those trucks to be responding. Eerily, that following Saturday night, at just a few minutes till 8pm, almost the exact moment the little boy was hit, we again had our door open due to the nice weather, and just then we heard sirens again. I never did find out what accident or incident they were headed to, but it just made us that much more sad, hearing the sirens at almost the exact same time.
Within hours of the accident, a Go Fund Me was set up. I usually hate Go Fund Me. In many cases, such as this one, the tragic incident just barely happened and there is the Go Fund Me popping up. I know funerals are expensive, but it just kills me to think...who is thinking about money in a time like this? I hate how common place they have become. Nobody expects to pay for their loved ones funeral anymore, they just set up a Go Fund Me and expect others to pay. It's the entitled aspect I don't like. Bad things happen all the time, people die all the time. The idea of asking for strangers to pay for your loved one's funeral, just because they died, you know, like every other person on this planet one day will, makes me insane.
It also infuriates me how many people flock to donate, just because a story was in the news. I get it somewhat....I didn't know this little boy, and tons of other children like him are sadly killed or die every day, every hour. But there are soooo many causes and tragedies out there. If you're going to donate to something and you see that they have raised more than enough money, then spread your charity out and donate elsewhere. Donations are great, selfless giving is amazing, but ONE person does not need all the donations in the world. There are so many others who are deserving too.
Because he was a child, and losing a child is something I can at least relate to, I can somewhat understand the Go Fund Me in this situation. Nobody is prepared for the loss of a child. Nobody thinks they have to save money for their child's funeral. The pain and devastation this family is going through is beyond words, I am so happy they don't have to add the financial strain of trying to pay for the funeral themselves. We were lucky, we had parents who were capable and more than willing to pay for much of the funeral arrangements and head stone for Kayla, and some other family members gave us money as well. But I cannot imagine asking anyone, much less strangers, to pay for it.
Not surprisingly, the account grew very quickly, and had surpassed the $11,000 goal very quickly. But it kept growing. I am glad they raised enough to pay for the funeral, and it would be nice if they got some money to help cover lost wages as they would surely need to take a lot of time off work. No company is able to offer the amount of time you really need after a tragedy like this. But after just another day or two, the fund had reached $26,000, plus a local coffee shop had donated 50% of a day's sales which I think amounted to about $4000, a lot of local businesses donated food and drinks for the luncheon afterward, and someone else donated the cremation services for the dog. So when all was said and done, they probably had about $33,000 worth in monetary and goods donations.
I don't know if I sound like I am jealous or bitter or hateful. I hope none of the above. It just baffles me that the average person probably doesn't donate much of anything, and then boom, a big story like this comes alone that rocks the community and people go crazy donating. I am not saying this family didn't deserve it, but sadly he was just one little boy that died. Many others die every day and do not get any help because their tragedy didn't make it in the news. Many other families struggle to make ends meet, to pay the funeral costs, to make up wages lost from taking time off work, and financial troubles is probably one of the contributing factors that leads to a couple divorcing in tragedies like these.
I am glad the funeral was covered and possibly some time off work as well, and perhaps some would argue that people donated that money knowing full well that they had more than enough, and chose to donate it anyway so it is theirs to do with as they please. But it kills me to think that in cases like these, once the services are paid for, people are buying new shoes and clothes and other non necessities on money that was donated to them because their child died. And any parent knows, the money does not take away the pain and it does not bring their child back.
So I was very amazed to hear that not only did the family turn off the Go Fund Me when it hit $26,000 (imagine what it would have eventually climbed to if left on) they also announced that anything left over after the funeral expenses were paid for would be donated to the Tears Foundations, which is the organization that we walk for Kayla with each year, they raise money to help pay for children's funerals. To say I am proud of that family sounds condescending, but I am. They were just days into their new reality, the most painful thing they would ever go through. Not only did they clearly appreciate and were overwhelmed by the outpouring of love from the community, they recognized that they did not need all of that money and keeping it just wouldn't be right. They recognized that lots of other families were going through the same pain but were not able to get that kind of help with the costs. The community was there for them when they needed to lay their sweet boy to rest, so they wanted to pay it forward to other families in the same situation, that maybe wouldn't get the media coverage they got. That to me is amazing. Just when I think the world is going to hell, I realize people like this exist in the world. People who are facing the most horrific pain a parent can experience, and still think of others. Rest in peace little man.
We grieved for that little boy, his dog, and their family. But also for the lady that hit them. Witnesses say she was very upset, screaming "what have I done" at the accident scene. It was an accident though. It was dark, and the speed limit on that road is around 40 or 45. Sadly it is very likely that the little boy knew the dangers of running into the road. The dog got out of their house, so it sounds like they lived pretty close to the road, so he likely had been taught road safety. But worried about his best friend, it is understandable why he just reacted, and followed his dog into the road.
The story was on both local and tri-state area news for that whole week, showing a heartbreaking picture of the little boy and his dog snoozing on the couch. Being that I am no stranger to grief, I tend to get sucked into stories like these, feeling for how the family must have been feeling. Thinking about how they were probably thinking, this time two days ago my son was still alive, or this time a week ago, we had no idea what was about to happen. It's thoughts like that that haunt me, because you never know when that last hug, that last kiss, that last "I love you" will be. Days, hours, and just mere minutes before, we have no idea the pain that is about to take place.
The following Saturday, I was aware of the fact that it had been one week since it happened. Recently our city's fire station relocated not too far from our house. The night of the accident, it was unseasonably warm so my husband had the front door open, and he said the wails from all the sirens speeding to the scene of the accident was deafening, and he knew it must have been very bad for all those trucks to be responding. Eerily, that following Saturday night, at just a few minutes till 8pm, almost the exact moment the little boy was hit, we again had our door open due to the nice weather, and just then we heard sirens again. I never did find out what accident or incident they were headed to, but it just made us that much more sad, hearing the sirens at almost the exact same time.
Within hours of the accident, a Go Fund Me was set up. I usually hate Go Fund Me. In many cases, such as this one, the tragic incident just barely happened and there is the Go Fund Me popping up. I know funerals are expensive, but it just kills me to think...who is thinking about money in a time like this? I hate how common place they have become. Nobody expects to pay for their loved ones funeral anymore, they just set up a Go Fund Me and expect others to pay. It's the entitled aspect I don't like. Bad things happen all the time, people die all the time. The idea of asking for strangers to pay for your loved one's funeral, just because they died, you know, like every other person on this planet one day will, makes me insane.
It also infuriates me how many people flock to donate, just because a story was in the news. I get it somewhat....I didn't know this little boy, and tons of other children like him are sadly killed or die every day, every hour. But there are soooo many causes and tragedies out there. If you're going to donate to something and you see that they have raised more than enough money, then spread your charity out and donate elsewhere. Donations are great, selfless giving is amazing, but ONE person does not need all the donations in the world. There are so many others who are deserving too.
Because he was a child, and losing a child is something I can at least relate to, I can somewhat understand the Go Fund Me in this situation. Nobody is prepared for the loss of a child. Nobody thinks they have to save money for their child's funeral. The pain and devastation this family is going through is beyond words, I am so happy they don't have to add the financial strain of trying to pay for the funeral themselves. We were lucky, we had parents who were capable and more than willing to pay for much of the funeral arrangements and head stone for Kayla, and some other family members gave us money as well. But I cannot imagine asking anyone, much less strangers, to pay for it.
Not surprisingly, the account grew very quickly, and had surpassed the $11,000 goal very quickly. But it kept growing. I am glad they raised enough to pay for the funeral, and it would be nice if they got some money to help cover lost wages as they would surely need to take a lot of time off work. No company is able to offer the amount of time you really need after a tragedy like this. But after just another day or two, the fund had reached $26,000, plus a local coffee shop had donated 50% of a day's sales which I think amounted to about $4000, a lot of local businesses donated food and drinks for the luncheon afterward, and someone else donated the cremation services for the dog. So when all was said and done, they probably had about $33,000 worth in monetary and goods donations.
I don't know if I sound like I am jealous or bitter or hateful. I hope none of the above. It just baffles me that the average person probably doesn't donate much of anything, and then boom, a big story like this comes alone that rocks the community and people go crazy donating. I am not saying this family didn't deserve it, but sadly he was just one little boy that died. Many others die every day and do not get any help because their tragedy didn't make it in the news. Many other families struggle to make ends meet, to pay the funeral costs, to make up wages lost from taking time off work, and financial troubles is probably one of the contributing factors that leads to a couple divorcing in tragedies like these.
I am glad the funeral was covered and possibly some time off work as well, and perhaps some would argue that people donated that money knowing full well that they had more than enough, and chose to donate it anyway so it is theirs to do with as they please. But it kills me to think that in cases like these, once the services are paid for, people are buying new shoes and clothes and other non necessities on money that was donated to them because their child died. And any parent knows, the money does not take away the pain and it does not bring their child back.
So I was very amazed to hear that not only did the family turn off the Go Fund Me when it hit $26,000 (imagine what it would have eventually climbed to if left on) they also announced that anything left over after the funeral expenses were paid for would be donated to the Tears Foundations, which is the organization that we walk for Kayla with each year, they raise money to help pay for children's funerals. To say I am proud of that family sounds condescending, but I am. They were just days into their new reality, the most painful thing they would ever go through. Not only did they clearly appreciate and were overwhelmed by the outpouring of love from the community, they recognized that they did not need all of that money and keeping it just wouldn't be right. They recognized that lots of other families were going through the same pain but were not able to get that kind of help with the costs. The community was there for them when they needed to lay their sweet boy to rest, so they wanted to pay it forward to other families in the same situation, that maybe wouldn't get the media coverage they got. That to me is amazing. Just when I think the world is going to hell, I realize people like this exist in the world. People who are facing the most horrific pain a parent can experience, and still think of others. Rest in peace little man.
Monday, October 31, 2016
Capture your grief, day 31
31. SUNSET REFLECTION | We have come to the end of this Capture Your Grief experience so take a big breath and a long sigh. Thank you so much to everyone who has taken part this year and especially for allowing me the grace to grieve and take my own time with posting my daily subjects. Everything kind of fell apart at the beginning of this month when the little baby that I didn’t even know I was carrying, died. Everything is kind of off balance at the moment including my physical health so I just want to let you all know that I really have appreciated you support and love during this time. On this last day, take some time out to watch the sunset from wherever you are in the world and reflect on this last month. How do you feel? What have you learned? What did you dislike? What did you like?
I couldn't get a sunset shot tonight. We were out trick or treating at the time, but there were just too many tall trees in our neighborhood to see any of the colored sky. So I took this pic, because it's a beautiful tree and it was right around twilight.
I really enjoyed the capture your grief project this year. I know last year I think I started it and kind of quit part way, and previous years it was mostly through photos, which was cool, but some of the topics were hard to convey in photographs. This year, I really liked the topics, and writing about them. It helped me to do a lot of reflecting and coming to terms with things and thinking about my grief in ways I hadn't before. I found myself looking forward to each day to write (despite having to often do two or three days at once). I wish everyone peace and comfort in their grief journey.
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So Halloween was great this year for Em. She enjoyed trick or treating last year, but there was no build up to the day and I am sure she didn't really know why she was walking around Baba's neighborhood and going door to door. This year she's been excited about it, pointing out pumpkins and ghosts and witches and making scary faces and playing with window clings. I'd tell her she was going to go trick or treating and she'd get really excited and she has two Halloween books that she loved reading.
On Saturday we went to my brother's house and went downtown where they were doing a trick or treat at a bunch of the businesses. It was a nice day, in the 70's so she wore her Elsa dress that my MIL got for her to add to her dress-up trunk. I was glad the weather was nice so she got to wear different costumes to each event, and all of her costumes this year were free! I refuse to pay a lot for her costumes that she is going to wear for an hour or less. Her first Halloween I did spend some on her banana costume and Ryan's gorilla, but come on....daddy gorilla and baby banana was just too cute, I had to splurge. But that year she also wore a lady bug costume, and last year's monkey both came from second hand stores so they were probably 5 bucks each. My MIL bought Elsa and the bumblebee she wore tonight came from my supervisor.
So she had fun Saturday dragging her uncle around to the businesses and getting candy, and then we had dinner out and then hung out with them back at their house. I had told her we were going a few days before to get her excited, and one day she put her purse on and said bye mama. I asked where she was going and she said to Joe Joe's for Halloween. Omg, so adorable. Last night we carved pumpkins, she wasn't as into that but we of course had to do all the work so she didn't really participate but she liked seeing them with the candles in them when we were done. So tonight once it got a little dusk and we saw others out and about, we took our little bee and went around the neighborhood. Our next door neighbor, I am never really sure who all lives there because she has family over all the time, but her adult daughter answered the door and gave Em her candy and talked for a few. Then we were at the next house and the mom came outside from next door and was calling me, telling me to bring Emily back so she could see her. So we went back and she gave Em another piece and she was saying how cute she was and asking how old she is now. We really have the best neighbors.
After a few more houses, we met up with our neighbors on the other side, so we went to a few houses with them, but their kids could not contain their excitement. They are like 13, 11, 7, and 3 so they were all running from house to house, so we lost them after 5 houses or so. Emily took her hood down for a few houses, and despite being great weather tonight for Halloween in Michigan, it was getting a little chilly. I think it was around 53...so at one point I put her hood back up and she said, "that's better, thanks".
We went to this one house that I admire a lot, they have an added on second story and they put the stairs in their living room against the wall next to their drive way. We are seriously considering adding an upstairs, and that is exactly where we would want to put our stairs too, so I was excited to go to that house so I could peek in and see how well the stairs fit. I think our living room is bigger than theirs too, so the stairs really shouldn't take up that much room. Ryan even asked the guy about it and he was telling us how big the upstairs is and how he wishes it was a little bigger. Good to know. I love walking around our neighborhood...for the most part the houses are all the same style, so it's fun to see the different things owners have done to their house over the years. It's like a giant showroom, and we get to see how thing looks on "our house" before we do it.
I think we were out for about 30-45 minutes, she got a decent sized stash for her little self (and for mommy and daddy to steal some). Once we were back we turned our porch light on to hand out candy. We were giving each kid two pieces, and we ended up emptying our bowl and had to turn off the light. There were still kids out....but I think if we had given only one to everyone, we would have had some leftover. But I was happy to get rid of it, Em's candy is enough of a temptation, and it was good to see a lot of kids out. It doesn't seem like as many kids trick or treat as when I was a kid. In previous years we hardly got any kids at our door. But the weather is part of it. No rain, no snow and a very comfortable low 50's. I'm so glad the first Halloween that Em was really excited for and aware of was good weather. Last year was ok, but it did sprinkle a little, and the year before was awful, very cold and raining. I think we took her to two or three houses and called it quits. She was only 7 months old, she didn't care. I'm excited to see how into Christmas she is this year!
I couldn't get a sunset shot tonight. We were out trick or treating at the time, but there were just too many tall trees in our neighborhood to see any of the colored sky. So I took this pic, because it's a beautiful tree and it was right around twilight.
I really enjoyed the capture your grief project this year. I know last year I think I started it and kind of quit part way, and previous years it was mostly through photos, which was cool, but some of the topics were hard to convey in photographs. This year, I really liked the topics, and writing about them. It helped me to do a lot of reflecting and coming to terms with things and thinking about my grief in ways I hadn't before. I found myself looking forward to each day to write (despite having to often do two or three days at once). I wish everyone peace and comfort in their grief journey.
*********************************************************************************
So Halloween was great this year for Em. She enjoyed trick or treating last year, but there was no build up to the day and I am sure she didn't really know why she was walking around Baba's neighborhood and going door to door. This year she's been excited about it, pointing out pumpkins and ghosts and witches and making scary faces and playing with window clings. I'd tell her she was going to go trick or treating and she'd get really excited and she has two Halloween books that she loved reading.
On Saturday we went to my brother's house and went downtown where they were doing a trick or treat at a bunch of the businesses. It was a nice day, in the 70's so she wore her Elsa dress that my MIL got for her to add to her dress-up trunk. I was glad the weather was nice so she got to wear different costumes to each event, and all of her costumes this year were free! I refuse to pay a lot for her costumes that she is going to wear for an hour or less. Her first Halloween I did spend some on her banana costume and Ryan's gorilla, but come on....daddy gorilla and baby banana was just too cute, I had to splurge. But that year she also wore a lady bug costume, and last year's monkey both came from second hand stores so they were probably 5 bucks each. My MIL bought Elsa and the bumblebee she wore tonight came from my supervisor.
So she had fun Saturday dragging her uncle around to the businesses and getting candy, and then we had dinner out and then hung out with them back at their house. I had told her we were going a few days before to get her excited, and one day she put her purse on and said bye mama. I asked where she was going and she said to Joe Joe's for Halloween. Omg, so adorable. Last night we carved pumpkins, she wasn't as into that but we of course had to do all the work so she didn't really participate but she liked seeing them with the candles in them when we were done. So tonight once it got a little dusk and we saw others out and about, we took our little bee and went around the neighborhood. Our next door neighbor, I am never really sure who all lives there because she has family over all the time, but her adult daughter answered the door and gave Em her candy and talked for a few. Then we were at the next house and the mom came outside from next door and was calling me, telling me to bring Emily back so she could see her. So we went back and she gave Em another piece and she was saying how cute she was and asking how old she is now. We really have the best neighbors.
After a few more houses, we met up with our neighbors on the other side, so we went to a few houses with them, but their kids could not contain their excitement. They are like 13, 11, 7, and 3 so they were all running from house to house, so we lost them after 5 houses or so. Emily took her hood down for a few houses, and despite being great weather tonight for Halloween in Michigan, it was getting a little chilly. I think it was around 53...so at one point I put her hood back up and she said, "that's better, thanks".
We went to this one house that I admire a lot, they have an added on second story and they put the stairs in their living room against the wall next to their drive way. We are seriously considering adding an upstairs, and that is exactly where we would want to put our stairs too, so I was excited to go to that house so I could peek in and see how well the stairs fit. I think our living room is bigger than theirs too, so the stairs really shouldn't take up that much room. Ryan even asked the guy about it and he was telling us how big the upstairs is and how he wishes it was a little bigger. Good to know. I love walking around our neighborhood...for the most part the houses are all the same style, so it's fun to see the different things owners have done to their house over the years. It's like a giant showroom, and we get to see how thing looks on "our house" before we do it.
I think we were out for about 30-45 minutes, she got a decent sized stash for her little self (and for mommy and daddy to steal some). Once we were back we turned our porch light on to hand out candy. We were giving each kid two pieces, and we ended up emptying our bowl and had to turn off the light. There were still kids out....but I think if we had given only one to everyone, we would have had some leftover. But I was happy to get rid of it, Em's candy is enough of a temptation, and it was good to see a lot of kids out. It doesn't seem like as many kids trick or treat as when I was a kid. In previous years we hardly got any kids at our door. But the weather is part of it. No rain, no snow and a very comfortable low 50's. I'm so glad the first Halloween that Em was really excited for and aware of was good weather. Last year was ok, but it did sprinkle a little, and the year before was awful, very cold and raining. I think we took her to two or three houses and called it quits. She was only 7 months old, she didn't care. I'm excited to see how into Christmas she is this year!
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