Hope

Hope is such an uplifting feeling.  Every Christmas since I met my husband we have gotten a special ornament to signify the time in our lives.  We have an "our first Christmas together" one, an "our first Christmas in our new house", and a Mr. and Mrs. ornament.  I wasn't going to buy one this year, but since we had our loss just a few weeks before Christmas, I decided maybe an ornament was a good idea.  There were some nice angel ones....but I don't know, that felt somehow wrong to me.  I know many women consider their losses as their "angel baby".  And that's great if that comforts them...but I don't know, we never heard a heartbeat, I only knew I was pregnant for 4 days.  It seems a little melodramatic to refer to our loss as our angel baby.  So I found this little ceremic stocking that said Hope....it was perfect.  Nobody who saw it would question what it meant, for those that do not know....but it is very sentimental to us.

This cycle continues to drag on, but I've done really well with my diet and exercise this week and last, so I am hoping I am on the way to a healthier, and more regular cycle me.  The idea of losing all the weight I once lost seems very daunting, but I was looking over my weightloss records and pinpointed the weight that my cycles starting going crazy.  That means if I can lose just 20-25 pounds, I should be back in the range where my cycles get under control.  That makes me very happy. 

I have a calendar in my home gym of all the days I am supposed to work out.  Provided that I work out tonight, I will have completed my work out everyday this month that I was supposed to except for one day....and that day we were pretty busy running errands and painting the spare bedroom, so it's not like I sat around being completely lazy all day.  Having had this success so far makes me want to keep going.

I haven't really lost weight in the last couple weeks, but I feel better so maybe my lack of scale success is due to building muscle.  I gave up pop for lent and that is helping a lot, I do miss it but I feel really good.  I bought a crapload of lemons yesterday and have been drinking lemon water all day....lemon water is soooo much easier to drink than plain.  I say this now, but I am going to try to continue with giving up pop even when lent is over with.  I thought sticking to just one can a day was a good compromise, but I seriously feel so much better with none, and that's 150 calories a day I can put to better use.  Besides, when I do get pregnant I'll have to give it up anyway.

I got my haircut the other day, I've been going to the same stylist since we moved back to this city about 4 years ago, so we chat and she knows we're TTC.  She asked, "so no babies yet".  I said no, but then decided to spill about my miscarriage.  Turns out she had had one too, but she was 11 weeks along, which had to have been much tougher to deal with.  She has the cutest little girl that is about 4, so she is living proof that good things can still happen...she also said everything happens for a reason and everything happens when it is supposed to.  I know most of the girls on TB hate that saying, that it will happen when it is meant to be, but I believe it.  I know that someday when I look into my child's eyes and instantly fall in love, it won't have mattered that it took 10 months or a year or longer to get pregnant, because if it had happened sooner, I wouldn't have them.  It's hard to see reasons why when you're hurting, but eventually things make sense and everything falls into place.  That's what I believe anyway.

Sadly there are many girls on TB that have experienced a sad loss, but my stylists was the first person I've ever talked to in real life that had one....I don't know, but it helped, I'm glad I talked to her about it.