Ugh, just read another pregnancy announcement on FB, this one from my oldest friend. Deep down I really am happy for her because she struggled too, which makes me feel like a complete and utter bitch for my initial reaction being, "again"???? I know she had one, possibly two (see what a bad friend I am, I don't remember) early miscarriages. She then went on to get pregnant with her first but I think she said it took about a year for that one, and then over a year for the second. So yeah, it's not like she just looked at her husband and got pregnant.
I guess this one hit me hard because this is her third, and she just had her second in November...she said they weren't going to "try" again but since they had two girls they would just see what happens in hopes of getting a boy. So I guess I am bitter about this one because they already have two, this one didn't take long at all and they probably weren't even really trying.
Ok, I will get off the bitter train now and go congratulate her. I am very happy for her and I hope they get their boy....but I am just sad for myself.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Fuck you ovaries
Yep, I've hit rock bottom. I am not only talking to my ovaries, but I am now cussing at them. Since I can't seem to trust my ovulation scope, I've been randomly using OPKs (random because I have very few left and would rather not use them all up right away as if they're actually going to give me a positive). So I used one tonight, I thought maybe it would magically be positive if I left the room instead of watching it work. Nope, so I told my ovaries to F off.
So needless to say tonight is one of my bad nights. I have been on a whirlwind of emotions lately. One day I feel very hopeful and optimistic, other days I feel like this, no hope and wanting a baby so badly. I'm also down about my diet and exercise....I think likely from feeling down about the baby thing. Yeah my doctor can give me provera in a couple of weeks, but it will only maybe give me a period and maybe make me O. Even if both of those things happen, what's to say next cycle will go as it should? And I know, I KNOW if I just lose some weight my body will sort itself out on its own. But no, I have to be lazy and eat like shit. I had a healthy breakfast and lunch, and then damn near everytime I walked by the stupid peanut dispenser at work today (yes we have a peanut dispenser) I'd stop for a handful. So after all day, we're probably looking at like 250 calories in peanuts alone. I know nuts are good for you, but a calorie is still a calorie.
Then I was supposed to work out tonight but I didn't. What is the big deal, it's standing on my damn treadmill, walking while I get lost in a book. What the hell is so bad about that? I could have done that. And since I skipped my work out I had a pop with dinner. What the fuck? I want to sit here and cry about why I can't get pregnant, but then I just don't do what I know I need to do. Gee I wonder what the problem is. I know anyone reading this is thinking wow...but really the self loathing is actually helping me at the moment. I guess I just need to get tougher with myself. When I want something I have to ask myself, are you really hungry? If I am starving then I should have it, but if not why bother? When it comes to working out, I have to look at the clock and say it's six o'clock, you'll be done by seven and then you can be lazy the rest of the night. I mean, I read every night anyway, why not just do it while walking on the treadmill? My problem is I make things optional. I don't like going to work everyday but I do it....why? Because I have to. Sure I could call in one day, but I cannot call in everyday. I don't like going to work but I do it. So when I get home at night I need to stop looking at eating right and exercising as optional. I just have to do it, no ifs ands or buts about it.
I am convinced that if I didn't have to work, I would be super skinny, the house would be sparkling clean all the time and I would have some annoying hobby that I could bug the crap out of people with on facebook.
So needless to say tonight is one of my bad nights. I have been on a whirlwind of emotions lately. One day I feel very hopeful and optimistic, other days I feel like this, no hope and wanting a baby so badly. I'm also down about my diet and exercise....I think likely from feeling down about the baby thing. Yeah my doctor can give me provera in a couple of weeks, but it will only maybe give me a period and maybe make me O. Even if both of those things happen, what's to say next cycle will go as it should? And I know, I KNOW if I just lose some weight my body will sort itself out on its own. But no, I have to be lazy and eat like shit. I had a healthy breakfast and lunch, and then damn near everytime I walked by the stupid peanut dispenser at work today (yes we have a peanut dispenser) I'd stop for a handful. So after all day, we're probably looking at like 250 calories in peanuts alone. I know nuts are good for you, but a calorie is still a calorie.
Then I was supposed to work out tonight but I didn't. What is the big deal, it's standing on my damn treadmill, walking while I get lost in a book. What the hell is so bad about that? I could have done that. And since I skipped my work out I had a pop with dinner. What the fuck? I want to sit here and cry about why I can't get pregnant, but then I just don't do what I know I need to do. Gee I wonder what the problem is. I know anyone reading this is thinking wow...but really the self loathing is actually helping me at the moment. I guess I just need to get tougher with myself. When I want something I have to ask myself, are you really hungry? If I am starving then I should have it, but if not why bother? When it comes to working out, I have to look at the clock and say it's six o'clock, you'll be done by seven and then you can be lazy the rest of the night. I mean, I read every night anyway, why not just do it while walking on the treadmill? My problem is I make things optional. I don't like going to work everyday but I do it....why? Because I have to. Sure I could call in one day, but I cannot call in everyday. I don't like going to work but I do it. So when I get home at night I need to stop looking at eating right and exercising as optional. I just have to do it, no ifs ands or buts about it.
I am convinced that if I didn't have to work, I would be super skinny, the house would be sparkling clean all the time and I would have some annoying hobby that I could bug the crap out of people with on facebook.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Announcements, ugh
My cousin announced on FB today that he and his wife are expecting. I already knew this, in fact I think I wrote about it in an earlier post. I was fine with it, I am happy for them....until I read that they are due in August. Which was when I was due. Sad face.
But on the bright side, I have my annual gyno appointment in one month. I am not quite ready for any major testing yet or the idea of clomid but maybe I can get some answer or some good news or anything at all. Also I will be asking for provera to end what will be a 120 something day cycle by then. Maybe since I am working out more regularly and eating better and I've lost some weight, maybe with a provera induced cycle it will push my body back to get back on track to a regular cycle on its own. Here's hoping!
But on the bright side, I have my annual gyno appointment in one month. I am not quite ready for any major testing yet or the idea of clomid but maybe I can get some answer or some good news or anything at all. Also I will be asking for provera to end what will be a 120 something day cycle by then. Maybe since I am working out more regularly and eating better and I've lost some weight, maybe with a provera induced cycle it will push my body back to get back on track to a regular cycle on its own. Here's hoping!
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