Fuck you ovaries

Yep, I've hit rock bottom.  I am not only talking to my ovaries, but I am now cussing at them.  Since I can't seem to trust my ovulation scope, I've been randomly using OPKs (random because I have very few left and would rather not use them all up right away as if they're actually going to give me a positive).  So I used one tonight, I thought maybe it would magically be positive if I left the room instead of watching it work.  Nope, so I told my ovaries to F off.

So needless to say tonight is one of my bad nights.  I have been on a whirlwind of emotions lately.  One day I feel very hopeful and optimistic, other days I feel like this, no hope and wanting a baby so badly.  I'm also down about my diet and exercise....I think likely from feeling down about the baby thing.  Yeah my doctor can give me provera in a couple of weeks, but it will only maybe give me a period and maybe make me O.  Even if both of those things happen, what's to say next cycle will go as it should?  And I know, I KNOW if I just lose some weight my body will sort itself out on its own.  But no, I have to be lazy and eat like shit.  I had a healthy breakfast and lunch, and then damn near everytime I walked by the stupid peanut dispenser at work today (yes we have a peanut dispenser) I'd stop for a handful.  So after all day, we're probably looking at like 250 calories in peanuts alone.  I know nuts are good for you, but a calorie is still a calorie.

Then I was supposed to work out tonight but I didn't.  What is the big deal, it's standing on my damn treadmill, walking while I get lost in a book.  What the hell is so bad about that?  I could have done that.  And since I skipped my work out I had a pop with dinner.  What the fuck?  I want to sit here and cry about why I can't get pregnant, but then I just don't do what I know I need to do.  Gee I wonder what the problem is.  I know anyone reading this is thinking wow...but really the self loathing is actually helping me at the moment.  I guess I just need to get tougher with myself.  When I want something I have to ask myself, are you really hungry?  If I am starving then I should have it, but if not why bother?  When it comes to working out, I have to look at the clock and say it's six o'clock, you'll be done by seven and then you can be lazy the rest of the night.  I mean, I read every night anyway, why not just do it while walking on the treadmill?  My problem is I make things optional.  I don't like going to work everyday but I do it....why?  Because I have to.  Sure I could call in one day, but I cannot call in everyday.  I don't like going to work but I do it.  So when I get home at night I need to stop looking at eating right and exercising as optional.  I just have to do it, no ifs ands or buts about it.

I am convinced that if I didn't have to work, I would be super skinny, the house would be sparkling clean all the time and I would have some annoying hobby that I could bug the crap out of people with on facebook.