empowered

Earlier today I was feeling pretty defeated.  I was 14DPO, my temps looked good, then they dropped yesterday so I was hoping AF would start so I could confirm that I need indeed O.  Well they dropped, but no AF.  My temp was slightly lower today as well, but with no AF, FF took away my CHs.  I was pretty crushed, I thought I had finally Od, so I could finally have a chance to getting pregnant next cycle.

So thus started the self-hate, being mad at myself for gaining back the weight, certain that if I was still at a lighter weight I would have gotten pregnant by now.  But after a few hours of the coulda shoulda woulda, I dusted myself off and decided I cannot change the past, but I can change the future.  I do really like the fitness site I use to track calories, but I feel like I need to try something new, to give myself a fresh start.  So I checked out this new calorie website....I am not too fond of the actual calorie tracking tools since all of my commonly eaten foods are not found, but they do have a meal planning section where you can print up an already set out meal plan for the week.

Amazingly there are only a few foods here and there that I am not fond of, so for the most part it will work.  My only issue is that many of the meals contain beans for protein rather than chicken, but many of the meal plans are less calories than I think I should eat, especially when I work out so since I have to cook for my husband anyway, I could always just swipe some of his chicken or pork or something. 

The only problem I forsee is trying to basically cook two seperate meals.  But I signed him up as well and I'm going to see if he likes any of the foods, then I can just alter the dinner a little and still cook something we both like.  I don't think a set meal plan is something I could stick to forever, but for right now I like the idea of being told what to eat and not having to log it, since the calories are already determined.  So maybe I could kind of alternate between the two methods, when logging gets to be too much work I can switch to the meal plan and vice versa.  I also like that it prints out your grocery list for you and each day I just have to look at the list and see what I am making for dinner.

It was a little daunting that a goal of just 20 pounds will take until January....but I look at it this way.  January will come whether I like it or not, so by then I can either be 20 pounds lighter, or I can weigh the same or even more.  Besides, 20 pounds might be what I need to get my body working again, and the more I lose the better I will feel about myself and the more motivated I will be to keep going.  I just need to do something, I am so tired of feeling ugly, and blaming myself for not being able to get pregnant isn't helping at all.