Well actually, I cut out her morning one and her late afternoon bottle, but I still give one for her nap and bedtime. Baby steps right? But this week has been rough for some reason. Most mornings I have felt like crap, my allergies have been bad, headaches, still being really tired. So some mornings this week I have cracked and gave her a bottle so I could go lay down for a few more minutes while she drank. But we shall try again this week. I think the transition is harder on me than on her. And I am sure some of my resistance is wanting to hold on to my baby and deny the fact that she is becoming a little girl.
But if I stop being all sentimental I will probably realize it's not so bad. I love this age, I love that she can interact and snuggle into my neck and give me kisses when I ask and hand me something I ask for. I don't really miss the newborn or baby stage, but I do get a little weepy when I see any of her tiny clothes. I was putting some of her winter clothes in storage the other day and I came across her onsie that we brought her home from the hospital in and I almost lost it. But one thing I thought would be really hard is when she stopped wearing footy jammies and wore big girl ones. She still has several pairs of footies, but I have found myself being drawn to the separate tops and pants lately. 'Cause lets face it, your baby is fucking cute no matter what she is wearing.
I took Emily to my doctor appointment the other day, and I decided I was in dire need of a pedicure. I try not to take her with me, that's me time, but we were out and I wasn't going to take her back home so she came along. Big mistake. I already knew I could not take her for a manicure since I cannot hold her with wet nails, but I figured she could sit well enough on my lap while I got my toes done. As I was walking to the chair she grabbed the polish out of my hand and threw it on the floor and it broke all over the place. Uhhhhh, embarrassing. Well, I was embarrassed but not as much as I would have thought I would be.
If it was at my regular place I probably would have felt really bad, but the people at most nail places are so rude. I apologized several times and the guy said nothing in return. You know what, screw you. I'm sorry it got broken and I am sorry you had to clean it up, but shit happens. She isn't old enough to know better and she's at an age where she just grabs everything. I did tip double what I normally would, and I said I was sorry so act like an adult and accept my damn apology. It would be different if I brought my 5 year old kid in who was running around acting crazy and threw it on purpose. But she is a baby, she didn't do it to be a brat. So whatever.
In other news, she is now standing on her head. I don't know what it's called, she gets on her hands and feet and then puts her head on the floor so she's in like a bridge position....or I guess downward facing dog in yoga would be a good way to describe it. I hope it means she is going to try standing on her own soon. I can't wait until she walks so I can take her summer pictures. Once we get Kayla's memorial garden in I want to take pictures of Em in front of it. So then last night she went from her yoga pose and did like a crawl to get some toys. Or it was sort of a crawl. I couldn't see her right side but I think she was on her left knee and her right foot. But I think I should count it as her first official crawl. It was way more of a crawl than a butt scoot, that's for sure.
We went to my niece's graduation party today and Em was such a doll. I am so lucky to have a good public baby. I love going to family stuff, it's the only time I can eat all by myself and get some time off since everyone else all wants to hold her and feed her. Please, be my guest. I found her this adorable little spring-time dress from a consignment store and she wore her pink jellies and she is finally letting me put barrettes in her hair again. Ahhh, so cute. The only bad thing was she didn't go to bed until like 9:30 because my inlaws fed her cake. But eh, it's one day and that is a grandparents job to spoil them and do stuff their parents won't let them. I don't get why people get all uppity about grandparents giving their kids stuff they shouldn't have. If it was a regular basis that would be one thing, but I know it doesn't happen all the time. I have great memories of going to spend the night at my grandparents house, knowing we would get to have junk food and stay up past our bed time and stuff my parents wouldn't let us do.
My LH surges these past few cycles have been pretty weird. I know, you're regular until you're not. But usually my LH surge is really long. Like say I get a positive on a Friday, I usually have positives until Sunday night or Monday morning and then I do not O until Tuesday or Wednesday. But if I recall right, my LH surge last month was much shorter, and this month I didn't even detect it at all. I had an almost positive that morning, and then by night it was clearly negative. I didn't think I actually had a positive since I never saw it, but the very next day my temp spiked and sure enough on 14DPO my period came, so I guess I just had a really short surge.
I wonder if that means anything, or if this cycle I could be back to a longer surge. And last month I didn't O until CD26, but then this month I Od on the textbook CD14. I'm sure it has happened before in my lifetime, but all the months I have tracked my temps I have never Od that early. The earliest it has ever been was CD19. But I have lost 17 pounds now. Maybe between the metformin and the weight loss, my body is getting back on track. That would be nice, because I am seeing how tracking O doesn't always work out to be the most reliable birth control so if I Od consistently around CD14 that would be a little easier. I mean even with a positive OPK and a temp spike, there would always be that little worry that what if it's wrong, what if I haven't Od yet and I get pregnant?
I mean, clearly getting pregnant "on accident" now wouldn't nearly be the ooops it would have been at other times in my life. But if we do have another kid, I would really love to experience pregnancy at a healthy weight and hopefully not have GD, I'd rather Emily be a little older, and well, I'd rather know for sure that we want another. So while not a tragedy, a surprise pregnancy would not be ideal right now. I went to Buy Buy Baby the other day (I know, I am supposed to be boycotting it after the crappy way they treated me in regard to our registry for Kayla, but I didn't do Emily's registry there so the few things I buy from there now won't really make a difference) and I saw a shirt that said I'm going to be a big sister.
I had a pang of, I want another baby. If we had another, that is how we would tell our families. Put Emily in that shirt and wait till people notice. But then I saw my PCP the other day and she had just come back from maternity leave from her second baby and I asked her how it is with two. She sighed and said it's hard. She's really tired, the baby takes a lot of her time and while her older son loves his little brother, she said he doesn't like her because she needs to devote so much time to the baby. That made me sad for her....and that flipped me back to the "one and done" camp.
I know a puppy isn't a baby, but in many ways it's similar. Mornings are the hardest. Emily is crabby because she wants breakfast, she has a ten pound diaper that needs to be changed, I've got to let the puppy out to pee and then she's all hyper from being in her crate all night. I'm trying to feed Emily and the dog keeps jumping up on me and on the high chair, Emily keeps throwing her cheerios over on the floor for the dog....it's hectic and stressful and I feel like times like those, I cannot enjoy my baby or my puppy, where as if I had one or the other I could.
I know people with more than one kid have lots of great times with them, but I know there are lots of times when they're both demanding attention, things are stressful and hectic and it's just not enjoyable. I at least know very soon our puppy will be trained, and in a year or two she will start to mellow out once she gets older. But kids will demand my attention for much much longer than a year or two. I know I know, I debate this all the time, when really I should just shut up, enjoy Emily right now and wait until next spring to make my decision. Or at the very least, next winter. But if you think I go back and forth a lot in here, you don't even want to know how much the thoughts bounce around in my head.
Ok back to my weight loss. I'm so excited that I am just three pounds away from a 20 pound loss, and my next Nutribear. You get a little beanie baby type bear for every ten pounds you lose. I feel really good. We had a cheat day today for the graduation party and then we had pizza for dinner, but right now I feel like such crap I cannot wait to go back to healthy eating tomorrow. It's true that success really does foster even more success. I'm already feeling the 17 pound loss, I had to toss my XL yoga pants the other day. They've always been a little big and they were nice when I was pregnant, but now with the weight loss they wouldn't even stay up and I got tired of pulling up my pants all day so I threw them out.
And once you hit 20 pounds, that's when the results really start to show. The last time I lost a lot of weight, I really started to feel it at 20-25, but then at 30 pounds gone people start to notice. I told Ryan that when we get to our goal weight we need to go get new family pictures taken. And hopefully the pictures of me these last few years will be the only way Emily sees me at that weight. Hopefully I will lose the weight and keep it off for good so she only will ever know me as being slim and healthy.
On top of that, I am seeing real progress with my invisalign. My teeth are fairly straight but they were really spacey. My dentist never recommended braces as a kid since they weren't a health issue, but I have always been self conscious of my teeth so I wish he had told my parents I needed them. A few years ago I went for a consult but I just couldn't afford them at the time. But now I can, so I decided what the hell. I almost changed my mind a few times, thinking that money could be better spent somewhere else.
I mean, my teeth couldn't have been that bad, I never had a hard time getting boyfriends over the years and I am married, so why bother changing it now? But man I am so glad I did it. I am only halfway through, I have another six months left of wearing them, but so far I am already seeing a huge difference and if they look this good halfway through, then the final result will have been worth every penny and then some. I don't mind getting older and I don't mind looking like a "mom", but I have to still feel good about myself, and for the last couple years I have not at all. Between the weight, and just exhaustion and not having a reason to get dressed for real most days, my self esteem has gone in the toilet. So I cannot wait to get this weight off and have a beautiful smile and feel good about myself again.
Here is a before pic of my teeth, and a current pic halfway through
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