Someone just decide for me!

So I was working last night, and in his downtime my husband often FB messages me from work.  So we were talking and out of the blue he says, wanna make a baby?  And I was like....

So I was like haha, no.  I said the one we have now drives us crazy enough, and he said that's why we have another, to balance it out.  I said how I wish we could, in a perfect world....and how Emily is at the age where I would have liked her to be if we had another.  I think 4 years is good because the oldest is out of diapers, if they're still in their terrible three's, you've at least had a year to grow accustomed to them.  They're old enough to be more independent so you can focus more on the baby, their old enough to hopefully understand that they're not being replaced and why mommy can't spend every second with them anymore, and they're old enough to help you with things.  My brother and I are four years apart and I always thought it was good.  He was a protective older brother, but we had our own things.  We didn't share friends, which can be good and can be bad, but in our case I think it was good.  We barely even went to school together, the last time we went to school together I was in the second grade and he was in sixth.  I'm not sure how I would have felt about him and I being in high school together at the same time, but I will say as it was, I didn't mind that he wasn't there.

We did go through a stage where I was still a kid and he was entering his teen years so he didn't have time for his pesky sister anymore, but as adults, our 4 year age gap is nothing.  Plus I think it just gives parents a chance to enjoy their kids stages one at a time.  When your oldest is 2ish, they're still such a baby themselves, and then this new baby comes along.  You often have to evict them from their crib so the new baby can use it, and it likely brings up feelings of being abandoned or replaced.  Emily will long since be out of her crib by the time another arrived.

So then I said how I am old, and so high risk and he said how he will eat whatever I eat the entire pregnancy (since I've had GD twice, and likely would again).  I asked if he was serious, and he said it's now or never.  I thought we were both sold on the never part.  We have a urologist picked out, we had planned to go ahead with the vasectomy sometime within this year.  Aside from the occasional pangs, I had been set on no more for at least a year now.  I was shocked that he was talking about this.  He told me to give it some serious thought for a few days.  So now I am back at square one.

I wouldn't have another baby just because he wants one, but as we were talking about it last night, I'll admit, I got a little excited about the idea of another baby.  I got excited about the idea of decorating a room, and picking out new baby things, and getting to use our boy or girl name that we never used and having baby snuggles again.  I woke up this morning feeling less enthused, but I have to say, I am still thinking about it and completely torn.  In some ways it would be really nice to try for another.  Just today Emily was watching the video from the balloons we released last week for Kayla's birthday, and while watching it she said, happy birthday Kayla!  It was the first time she really clearly said Kayla instead of Keya.  She is becoming much more aware of the fact that she has a sister, and that we celebrate her birthday.  It makes me so sad that her sister isn't here to play with.  I still don't think she NEEDS a living sibling.  I've said many times before that giving your child a sibling doesn't always work out.  Sometimes that sibling dies, either as a child or later in life, so the idea of having someone once your parents pass doesn't always work out.  Sometimes siblings hate each other and have no relationship later in life, so a lifelong friend isn't always a result.  So I don't think she needs a sibling, but I do think it would be nice for her to have someone else.

Right now she and I are so close, and I hope and pray we can be that mother-daughter duo that defies the odds and don't have a horrible relationship when she's a teen.  But I do sometimes worry about her being around mostly adults all the time.  I worry about the family dynamic as she gets older.  Are we going to annoy the crap out of her when she's older because we still want it to be the three of us, the "three muskateers" when she wants to go off with her friends and not hang out with mom and dad?  Are we going to fall to pieces when she moves out one day and becomes an adult?  Before we became a family of 3, I always felt like only children households were strange, because the parents kind of depend on the kid to be the buffer.  That's not to say Ryan and I won't enjoy spending time together just the two of us once she's grown, but I feel like it's too easy for parents of only children to feel like the sun rises and sets on their only child, and maybe doesn't always have the healthiest level of dependecy on them.  It's so hard to say now at her age, but that's what I always thought of when I thought about having an only child.

If we're being annoying, or when we fall from grace and we no longer know everything, and we're no longer superheros in her eyes, it would be kind of nice for her to have a sibling to talk to, relate to, to share things with....or just to rant to about what dorky parents they have and how we don't understand them.  As far as the fear of another loss goes....I don't know.  I think I could handle an early loss.  Like right this minute, the fear of another loss isn't necessarily stopping me from having another kid.  All this time I thought it was, and maybe it was for a long time, but it's been 4 years since we lost Kayla.  Maybe some of that raw grief has finally scabbed over enough.  I know a later loss would of course still be crushing, but when we lost Kayla, we lost all of our hopes and dreams.  I had no idea if it meant we would never bring home a baby, but what I did know was it took forever to get pregnant both times, we lost both pregnancies we did have, and I was in my early 30's, not knowing if I would ever get to bring a baby home.

Her loss was two fold...it was losing HER, and it was losing our hope of having a baby.  Whereas if we had another later loss, we would of course grieve for that baby, but I think I could say ok, we tried and it didn't work out.  But we're still so greatful to have Emily.  And, I guess after going through the loss that we did, it kind of showed me that if I could make it through that, I can make it through anything.  To a degree....I don't even want to imagine something happening to Emily.  But then again, I say all this now, when there is no baby and I don't know the sex and I haven't felt it kicking me and seen it's little profile on the ultrasound.  But still, I do think another loss would be ever so slightly easier now, than before.  At the very least, I would know what to expect as I would be going down a road I've already traveled.

I am still very nervous about my age, and the risks.  But, I know plenty of women who have had babies in their mid to late 30's, these days it isn't nearly as taboo or risky as it was decades ago.  Hell, decades ago it would have been a bit out of the norm to have a baby when I had Emily at 34 but now I am in good company of women who didn't start their families until their 30's.  And, younger women are not exempt from health risks, and birth defects, and multiple births, so I do realize that my age doesn't mean for certain that any of those things would happen.  I guess the main things that are holding me back now are 1) I thought we were settled on no more kids.  I had nestled into a spot of being content with just one living child, and now that idea has been turned upside down.  2) My job is an issue.  My co-worker has 4 kids, and one of them is just barely a year old, so a year ago she was dealing with work, three kids and a newborn.  It's twice as many kids as I would have, but she does only work 10 hours a week.  It's still a lot with four kids at home (not sure if any are in school or not) but at least with 10 hours, you can just do two hours a day, 5 days a week.  If one or two of her kids are in school, she can work when the others nap.  

But, working 20 hours at home is still easier than working 40 outside the home, and plenty of people do that and have more than one kid.  Emily already goes to her Nana's once a week, if I had another baby I am sure my dad would be willing to take them another day a week.  Hell, he pretty much takes Emily anytime he can when he is home and not up north, he took her twice this week.  There is the issue of my office...our only other bedroom is my office, and working from home, a dedicated office space is pretty important.  But like Ryan said, that gives us about a year to get the basement finished, and while it's not in the plans right now, I guess I could put my office down there.  I have the whole other bedroom for my office, but my actual work stuff only takes up one corner, so it wouldn't be too hard to put an office downstairs.  I would definitely need to take some time off after the baby is born, but probably not more than a few weeks to a month, since ya know, I do work from home.  But I really only work when Emily is not home, napping, or once she's gone to bed.  I guess working 20 hours a week with two kids wouldn't be THAT different from working 20 hours with one kid.  It would just mean trying to sync up their naps, and working after they're both in bed.  Emily slept very nicely in the evening in my mini snoogle on the couch while I watched TV.  If this baby were a decent sleeper, I guess I could always just have her in a swing in the early months, swinging away in my office with me, sleeping while I work.

I do worry about the chaos level.  My friends that have two kids, it seems like they're just playing referee all day long.  When their not yelling at this one, the other one is getting into trouble.  I just think of the Grinch talking about how much noise noise noise noise there will be.  But, I had that same fear before Emily was born.  When it was just the two of us, everything was quiet.  I would often be upstairs in the evening, either watching TV or reading and everything was quiet, I usually had a cat on my lap.  We could come and go as we pleased....we would go out to eat when we wanted, go to the movies when we wanted.  I worried that our carefree life would be wildly different once Em came.  But, for the most part, not much changed.  She was such a good baby, she was like a potted plant, we could take her anywhere and she barely made a peep.  Our evenings we're often still quiet as she slept soundly next to me on the couch, and then in her crib once I took her in there for the night.  

We still go pretty much whereever we want, Emily is still really good out in public, we go to the movies when she is at Nana's on wednesdays, or someone watches her for the night while we go out for a date night.  Even when the house is crazy and noisy, the dog is running around, I am tripping over toys and Emily is screeching and stomping....it's our new normal.  It feels like it has always been this way.  I can't imagine life being just the two of us anymore, so I am probably being silly about how much crazier the house would be with another kid.  I mean, we're talking about just one more, not 5 more.  Hopefully one more anyway, the idea of twins scaaaares me.  I used to freak out about the idea of going places by myself with two, but Emily is so good, she is not a runner at all.  She stays by my side, and often wants to hold my hand, so at least I wouldn't have to deal with getting the baby out of the car and then worrying about where Emily is running off to.

I do get excited a little when I think of another baby....thinking about maybe we would get a boy this time.  Honestly it doesn't matter.  A boy would be cool and different.  But another girl would be a-ok by me.  We already have all girl stuff, and for Emily to have a little sister that she could play with would be so precious.  I guess if I was leaning one way a little more, I would absolutely love another girl.  But I am sure part of that is just due to being a girl mom; the idea of having a boy seems so foreign and unfamiliar.  I know we never got to parent Kayla, but from the moment we found out she was a girl, I thought about girl stuff, we did her registry with cute little girl nursery items and pink clothes, and in my heart, I don't have a living daughter and one in heaven, I have two daughters.  So the idea of switching over to team blue is a little frightening, but I certainly wouldn't be upset if we had a boy.  I am sure it's the same for boy moms, they maybe can't imagine having a girl.

I do worry about my weight....I've been doing pretty good lately, sticking to healthy eating.  I've only lost 5 pounds so far, but it's something.  You cannot lose 10 or 20 or 30 without losing that first 5.  So I fear a pregnancy would once again stall that out.  Because of my GD diet, and throwing up so much, I was at a 10lb deficit almost my entire pregnancy with Emily.  The last month I gained that 10 back, so the day I delivered I was the same weight I was when I got pregnant.  But I highly doubt they would be ok with me losing a large amount of weight, like 20+ pounds when pregnant.  

But...after I had Emily, I lost 30 pounds that first two weeks post partum.  Between pumping and just not really eating, the weight fell off...but once I started eating again more regularly, the weight quickly came back because I wasn't eating healthy.  But if we did have another, and that drastic weightloss happaned again, I could try to use that as a head start to keep it going.  Knowing what to expect this time, I could make sure I have plenty of healthy snacks in the house, maybe make a bunch of freezer meals that last month so I can make easy dinners in the beginning.  And, if we did try again, who knows how long it could take.  It could take a while and I can continue to work towards losing more weight in the meantime.  

I don't know, breaking down all of my worries and reasons for not having another does make it seem a lot less scary.  And no matter what, once another baby is here, I would never regret having him or her.  Despite Emily being a very good kid, there are days where she is very very very bad.  But even on those days I have never once thought man, I so wish I hadn't had kids.  No, I just look forward to bedtime, and hope tomorrow is better.  There are no amount of tantrums that a simple, I love you mommy, cannot fix.  When I hear her little voice, and she says sweet stuff like that, or comes running into my arms crying because she has a boo boo, there is just nothing like it.  

I am on the second week of this pill pack.  Maybe I will finish this pack, and then see where we're at.  Maybe we could try till the end of the year, and if it happens, cool, but if not, then that's cool too.  We'll see.  

Birthdays in Heaven

Today (the 24th, it's after midnight) would have been my angel's 4th birthday.  It was a beautiful day, unseasonably warm (a little too warm, almost 80) and sunny.  Very strange for March, especially since last Saturday Ryan spent a long time shoveling snow before Emmy's party.

Emily and I went out on a little afternoon date while daddy was sleeping.  We had lunch at McDonalds and then we went to Meijer.  I know, fun right?  But any time spent with her is fun, especially when it's just us girls.  I usually do my shopping at Target, but I had a crapload of cans to return (because I am lazy and get my groceries delivered, so the cans tend to stack up) so I returned them and then got some money off our purchases.

I got sidetracked in the wall art section.  I LOVE wall art.  I seriously have run out of walls in my house to hang stuff.  I love quotes, pictures, pictures with quotes, you name it.  If it hangs on the wall, or sits on a shelf and does absolutely nothing, I want to give my money to someone for it.  It's an obsession.  I found this adorable light up "box" I guess you would call it, I think it sits on a shelf, and it says Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on one side and something else on the other but I forget what.  It would make a very nice nightlight for Em.  She already has two (three if you count the Frozen nightlight that is currently out of batteries) but it's so cute, and she loves that song.  A few months ago she didn't know the words so she would sing "Tingo star, how me do".

But alas, I didn't get it.  Maybe some day when I have money I don't know what to do with I'll go get it.  While I was there I decided to check my blood pressure at the little self service thingie they have.  Yes, I.am.officially.old.  How do you know you're old?  When you start complaining about the damp weather, and you take your (free) blood pressure at Meijers (and add an S to names like Meijer).  My BP is normally very good, but I am currently on a med that can raise it, so I wanted to check.  Today it was high.  I am not sure if it contributes at all, but since it was warm I was sweaty and kind of running around doing errands...I can't seem to do anything at a leisurely pace.  I always feel like I am rushing, even when I don't have to, and it's the first day of my period, I thought maybe it could have contributed to the high reading.  I don't know.

But since I am on this med and should check it fairly often, Ryan suggested we just buy an at-home one.  And cause ya know, we're old.  So we did, thank you Amazon, $29.99, it'll be here Sunday.  Oh, and I also had a low blood sugar episode earlier.  I've been having them more and more often, but according to my latest blood tests, I am still just pre-diabetic.  But I see my endocrinologist in a couple weeks so I want to be re-tested.  It sounds messed up, but in some ways I wish I would just get it already so I can properly treat it.  Mentally, I don't think I can take as good of care of myself if I am just pre, but if I get the official diagnosis, then I will get serious.  I was very good about it when I had it in pregnancy.

I just looked it up because I am not real sure what different readings mean, but it says you should consider yourself to be having a hypoglycemic episode if your bloodsugar is 80 mg/dl or lower, or it's 90 or lower AND you're having symptoms.  I didn't test my BS today because we were on the way out the door, but I did the other day when I felt it and it was 80.  So, 80 plus symptoms is probably not good.  So today I grabbed an orange juice on the way out the door and sipped it on the way to lunch, which made me feel instantly better, but not great.  Lunch helped a lot, but for the next few hours I still felt a little off (yeah ok, McDonalds isn't the best choice I know).  When I checked my BP it said my heart rate was 114, which is way higher than it should be for just walking around a store.

Anyway, that's my little Meijer story.  I'm anxious to check my BP again on Sunday when I am not having a hypoglycemic episode.  Once we got home we got ready to go to the cemetery.  We stopped and got some balloons and took Kayla her stuffed animal we got her and a card.  We originally had gotten her one of those small stuffed animals with the huge eyes, but Emily saw it in Kayla's stocking at Christmas and said kitty? in just the cutest voice ever, so I let her play with it but I told her it was Kayla's and she could take care of it until spring.  Well of course she fell in love with it.  Today she asked if we were taking it, and I said no, and she kind of objected, but I noticed she didn't say anything about it when I put the stuffed rabbit at her grave that I picked up at the store the other day.  Lesson learned, don't let Emmy have the stuffed animal we buy for Kayla until we have retired it in the fall.

Their Nana and Papa had been out a few days prior and left a huge pinwheel.  The thing is enormous, I love it.  It's taller than Em.  So we put the stuffed animal and card out, and then we walked out into the clearing to release the balloons.  Emmy kept saying, happy birthday Keya.  It was so cute and sad all at once.  We had a fourth one in case we lost or broke one, so we were going to tie it to the pinwheel but decided it would get all caught up in it, so Ryan took Emmy back out to the clearing to release that one too.  The breeze must have been lower at that point because they released it, it skimmed through the sky much much lower than the others, got caught in the tree and then we heard, pop!  Oops, luckily Em didn't notice.  After that we went to dinner, but had to cut it short because Emily didn't have a nap and was melting down.  So we packed up the food and went home.

It was a nice day.  I didn't really cry.  I got a little choked up picking which quote to put on facebook along with my happy birthday message.  I went a bit kooky this year.  I usually say something short and simple, like happy birthday to our angel in Heaven.  But being that it has been 4 years, and we have Emily, I always worry she will begin to be forgotten as time goes on....or people will think we're "over it" because we have Emmy.  So I wanted people to know that we DO have 2 daughters, and that she is very missed, and while Em certainly did brighten our lives and help lift us out of our grieve, she does not in any way replace Kayla, or mean we are over it and we're fine.  I want people to know that I think of her EVERY SINGLE DAY, and that I miss her and love her, just like other people love all of their living children individually and seperate from all of their other children.  It got a lot of likes, and a few nice comments, so I am happy.  I'm happy I said it, and so now people know.  And if they don't, then that's their issue.

Last night it wasn't until 10pm that I realized today was the only day to remember.  In past years I relived the night before, thinking about where we were at one time, thinking about what time we headed for the hospital, thinking about when we got the news.  So I would say it's probably progress that I didn't even think about that stuff until 10pm.  I thought about it off and on through out the night, but I didn't dwell on it like most years.  I didn't wake up with a heavy chest.  The anniversaries are getting easier.

I do miss her though, and I wonder who she would have been.  I imagine her and Emily playing together.  If she were alive, we would be researching pre-schools to send her to in the fall, and freaking out over it being the last year before she starts kindergarten.  Ryan and I differ in our beliefs.  He has more spiritual beliefs, thinking that a person's soul is meant to be born and will be born, no matter when or where.  For example, I say that had Kayla lived, Emily would not be here.  Because had she been born when she was and survived, there is no way I would have been ready or even remotely thinking about getting pregnant again any time soon.  Born at 22 weeks, she likely wouldn't even have been released from NICU until very close to her due date of July 26th, and I found out I was pregnant with Emily on July 4th.

I don't think anyone goes through this horribly scary experience of having a 22 weeker in the NICU and just when you bring them home think, now is a good time to get pregnant again.  And if she hadn't been born until her due date, then I of course could not and would not have been pregnant with another baby three weeks before Kayla was due.  I believe in the very science of it all.  If we had had sex at any other time, even an hour earlier or before, it would have been a different sperm, it would not have been Emily.  Where as I think Ryan believes that Emily's soul was destined to be born to us, so had we not gotten pregnant with her when we did, if Kayla had survived and we decided to have another baby in day two years, he believes that we would have then still gotten pregnant with Emily.

It's a nice thought, and I am spiritual and religious when it comes to many things.  But that is not one of them.  I believe that each sperm and each egg combines to make a different person each time.  So, while I personally believe that Kayla and Emily could never be alive together, at the same time, it's still a nice thought to think of them together, and to yearn to have both of my girls together at once.  Being here without Kayla sucks, but the idea of dying anytime soon and seeing her again, would mean leaving Emily.  It's like a bad suspense movie where some unknown force says you can have either one of your daughters, but you cannot have them both at the same time.

So, that was our day.  Happy Birthday Kayla.  Mommy loves you so much!  

The big 3

Today is my baby doll's birthday, she turned 3 today.  It is incomprehensible how quickly the time goes by.  Literally just yesterday we were meeting her in the hospital, and now she is a little person with ideas, and a sense of humor, and likes and dislikes, opinons, sass, and sweetness.  I'm amazed every day how much love I feel for this little girl.  She is the light of my life.

Most days I am ok, but more often than I would like, I get scared.  I love her so much and the idea of something happening to her just scares the ever-living crap out of me.  Lately at night I have been laying down with her for a bit after reading stories and I sing to her, or we sing together.  I study her face, I see the light in her eyes, and never will I get enough hugs and kisses.  And the fear of that ever going away just frightens me to the core.  Motherhood is so amazing, I would never ever trade it for the world, but sometimes it is just so damn scary to love another being as much as I love her.  I don't know if it's because we lost our first, or because I've experienced quite a bit of loss in my life, or if it is just regular parent worries that I would feel no matter what, but sometimes I feel like I am already in pain and grieving her loss, even when she is right in front of me, talking and laughing and smiling.  The anxiety of losing her sometimes seems just as bad as if I were to lose her.

But, this is a happy post, so I will quit dwelling on the what ifs, and just talk about the fantastic weekend we had.  We started her birthday bash with a trip to the aquarium on Friday.  We took her there on her first birthday too, but let's be honest, that was more for me.  I love aquariums and it had just opened, and Michigan kind of has a shortage of aquariums, so I used her first birthday as an excuse to go.  She was too little last time.  I am sure she didn't hate it, but she didn't really know what we were doing or why we were there.  This time she loved it.  We decided to go on Friday since we figured it would be less busy than today, and it was.  There was usually only one or two other families around us, and sometimes none at all so it was a very nice visit, we could take our time at each exhibit and she loved looking at all the different fish.  I also love that she is amazed with sharks just like I am.  I'm hoping that can be an interest and passion that we both share...but hopefully she won't be as scared of them as I am.  I'm talking, "can freak myself out if I am alone in a pool" scared.

Once we got through, she tried to play on the equipment at the end.  It's like the playground at McDonald's, it's got theses big "steps" that you have to climb up and it's all enclosed in netting and there are catwalks and a slide.  But just like at McDonalds, the steps get further apart the higher you go, so both places she could only get to the third step.  She could have made it up that if she really tried, but if the next step was even bigger as I suspect it was, she would have been stopped there anyway.  I suspect it is to weed out the kids that might be too little or scared to do what they need to do, so that kids that are too little can't go very high, and so that the scared/too small ones can't get to the very top and then be too scared to get down.

So then we went to the gift shop and she picked out a Destiny stuffie from Finding Dory.  When we went to the aqaurium in Vegas when I was pregnant with her, we still hadn't decided on a nursery theme yet and while in the gift shop I suggested an under the sea theme, which Ryan loved at first, but he said he wanted it to be realistic, not cutesy with pink crabs and purple sharks.  I thought realistic for a baby's room was weird, so we nixed it.  But as it turns out, it would have been the perfect theme for her, the girl is nuts about fish (but I still would have wanted the cutesy version).  Last time after the aquarium we had lunch at The Rainforest Cafe, but Ryan really wanted to try Joe's Crab Shack, and there aren't any around us.  It turned out to be a good choice...good food, and there was a huge shark hanging from the ceiling, and they brought a little toy shark with the food.  He is supposed to go on a drink called the shark bite, but the waiter said it's a really strong drink, and I really didn't want to get drunk or tipsy so I passed on it, but he brought me a shark anyway, which now belongs to Em apparently, lol.

We got home in late afternoon, and then just relaxed for a bit until it was time to leave for my dad's for dinner; he made corned beef and cabbage for St. Patty's day.  I hate St. Patty's day....even back when we went to the bar often, I hated it.  The bar's are too crowded with stupid drunks, places charge cover, and I'm sorry but green beer just looks nasty.  Ryan used to drag me out for St. Patty's when we were younger and first dating.  Thank God we're getting too old for that, and even when he has insisted we go out, the last 5 years we've been going to places that are also restaurants, just to drink and have corned beef.  So spending the evening with all my family was the perfect way to celebrate.

In fact, I hate St. Patty's so much, that's why I specifically chose March 18th to be induced because I didn't want to risk Emily being born on St. Patty's.  Turns out that wouldn't have been a problem since she didn't come that first day anyway, but still.  However, Friday was also our dog's biurthday.  Or at least it's the day I picked, because it was roughly 9 weeks back from when we got her, and it's an easy day to remember.  I can remember my kids' birthdays, but for pets I need an easy day to remember.  She's 2 now, so becoming a calmer dog more and more.  She still goes nuts, but for as high energy as she is, she also does sleep A LOT....which is why she has so much energy I guess.  She's like a cheetah, she has short, but super energized bursts, then she has to sleep for hours.  Lately I've been letting her come to bed with me (I know, I never thought I would let a dog in my bed) and she sleeps the entire night with me.  Doesn't get up until I do in the morning.  So, Happy Birthday Nalah!

We got home way too late on Friday.  I still had a lot to do around the house for her party, but she needed a bath and I figured it would be easier to take one at Baba's, than to take one once we were home and possibly having fallen asleep on the way.  So we didn't get home until after 11.  So I put her down, and got to work on her cake pops.  Her party theme was little mermaid, so I made these adorable cake pops with dinglehoppers (forks) stuck in them.  So first I had to make the cake pops, then dip the forks in the melted white chocolate and stick them in.  Then they had to freeze for 10 minutes, then I could dip the whole thing in to coat, and then I had to decorate them.  But once the chocolate hardened it was hard to make the decorations stick unless I used more chocolate as glue, so I'd have to stop every third one or so and decorate them before they hardened, which was little chocolate seashells and tiny sugar pearls.  So yeah, very painstaking to decorate them all.  Thankfully I had molded the seashells a few days before.  That was a pain too.  I had  planned on just adding food coloring to the liquid chocolate and then pouring them into the molds.  But apparently, the second you add food coloring to the chocolate, it turns into a big sticky ball.  Microwaving it some more didn't help either.

So then I tried pouring some food coloring into the molds and then putting the chocolate in, that was a disaster, and I tried "painting" the food coloring on afterward, but it looked like when you try to paint laminate with water colors.  I had a bottle of color mist in silver to coat the whole cake pop afterward to make them look pearl-esque, so I tried spraying that on the chocolate shells and voila, it colored them nicely.  So I sent Ryan pictures of what I needed and he stopped at the store on his way home from work the next day to get some blue and purple spray so I successfully had a bunch of blue and purple seashells and sand dollars.  So once I finally got all the cake pops decorated, I sprayed them all with the silver mist, which looked gorgeous but I swear that shit will give me cancer.  I always felt a bit sick and lighheaded after spraying it.  Here party guests, have some cancer on a stick!

The only plus side to our power being out for a few days last week and having to toss almost everything in our fridge and freezer, is that we now had room for all the cake pops.  I figured I needed about 45, and the one box of cake mix made about 75.  So for future cake pop makers, one box of mix is more than enough (if you want less than 75).  I bought three boxes, so I guess I'll have to make cakes in the next year.  So it was now 4:30 in the morning and I was exhausted.  My once clean kitchen that I spent several hours the day before cleaning, was now a mess, I still had other things to do and I needed to sleep.  So I went to bed until 9.  When I went into get Em, she was crying and wanted me to lay down with her.  So I did, and I swear I thought it was 15 minutes, but we must have fallen back to sleep because it was now 10.  I had a ton to do, still had to shower and our guests would be here at 1.  So I ran around the house like a nut, cleaning up the cake pop stuff, cleaning the bathroom, dusting the living room furniture, mopping floors, and vacumming.  Just once I would love to successfully get a little done each day, and just be able to take my time the day of.  I even had a schedule of things to get done each day, and I thought I stuck to it pretty well and hadn't left much to do on Saturday, but apparently I was wrong.

I didn't get out of the shower until 20 to 1, Emily was still in her pj's and I had no idea what to wear.  I would have liked to have done my hair and make up, but I went bare faced and had my wet hair up in a bun.  Oh well.  I was literally getting Emmy dressed as my friend and her boys arrived, and then I had to french braid her pigtails.  I was amazed, she normally doesn't like having her hair done, and as guests were arriving, she actually sat very nicely and let me do it, and it looked so cute.  I got her a sleeveless black dress, with a tulle skirt that said #Princess on the front.

The party was good, we served mac and cheese and hot dogs, and my MIL brought salad.  The food was simple, but it was still a lot of work to make 6 boxes of mac and cheese (we had way too much, but too much is better than not enough) and I also put chili in the crock pot for the hot dogs while Ryan grilled.  Once people had got some food, I made a plate and sat down.  It was like heaven.  I had been on my feet all morning and I hadn't eaten anything yet that day, so my hot dog and mac and cheese tasted like filet mignon.  She got a lot of nice presents; a few Pete the cat books, the Pete game, and Pete the cat and his groovy buttons puppet.  A toy cash register, some clothes, a troll coloring book and puzzle, a my little pony doll, and a black and decker tool bench.  I actually want to play with them all.

The cake pops were a success.  I was amazed that they turned out nice looking AND they even tasted good.  The silver plastic forks were a hit with all the kids.  We had ice cream too.  Last year I bought ice cream but forgot to serve it with the cupcakes....so proud that I remembered this year, but later that night realized I forgot to put out the chips I had bought.  Oye!

The party was so great, and I was so happy to just relax and be lazy that evening.  Emily was having fun playing with her new toys and I somehow had enough energy to get the dishes in the dishwasher and clean up from the party.  The living room got a little nuts today, but it shouldn't take much to get it back in order tomorrow.  After everything we host, I am always determined to keep the house clean and clutter-free after being clean for company.  I will succeed this time....I hope.

Last night I went in and took my usual picture of her, in her last hours as a 2 year old.  I was a little hung up on the fact that I forgot and didn't take the pic till 2 am, so it was technically already her birthday.  But she wasn't born until 12 hours later, so I'll give myself a pass (yes I know I am nuts).  Before I went to bed, I put streamers across her door from the outside and then tucked balloons between the door and streamers.  I saw it on facebook and thought it was cute.  When the door is opened, the birthday girl or boy is bombarded with balloons falling into their room.  It didn't work so well though.  Even though she is capable of opening her door, she will never just get up.  She always waits in bed for us to come get her.  So we kept saying Em, come out here and see the surprise we have for you.  She just kept yelling no and crying and screaming.  So finally we just opened the door and punched the balloons in.  Instantly her face lit up and she yelled, balloons!  Ugh, party pooper.

So then we had her open her presents from us.  We gave her one the day before, her first bike.  I was itching to let her have a present, and if it was nice enough the day of the party I figured the kids could go outside and she could ride her bike, but it was too cold.  But at least she got to show it off to everyone.  She's been "riding it" around the house....i.e. strattling it and walking.  It's a balance bike, so it's meant to be propelled with her feet so the kids learn how to balance before moving on to a bike with pedals....apparently we've all been doing it wrong all these years and it works better to learn how to balance and then learn how to peddle.  I remember learning to ride my bike was a big task for me, and even ended up in the ER when I turned and fell off my bike with training wheels.  I split my chin open and needed 4 stitches.  So if a balance bike will teach her more smoothly and faster, I am all for it.  And it's soooo tiny and cute!

So today her presents were a Melissa & Doug roll of paper for her to draw on, a bigger kid puzzle (she long ago mastered all of her baby puzzles), two books, a My little pony flashlight, and  Belle and Ariel figurines.  I think that's it.  And we ate a bunch of cake pops all day.  Today was a nice and relaxing day.  I was so glad we celebrated Friday and Saturday and could just chill today.  I made sure to notice when it was 2:20pm so I could tell her that at that exact time 3 years ago was when she came into the world.  She surely didn't really understand, but I will have fun telling that story every year and annoy her, just like my mom always did on my birthday.  My mom would always say, this time X amount of years ago, I didn't even know you yet.  I would always roll my eyes and say yeah yeah mom, you say that every year.  Now there is nothing I wouldn't give to hear her say that again.

It's funny, before I had kids, I always thought my birthday was just a great day for me.  I never realized how special of a day it is for your parents too.  I look forward to her birthday, remembering and celebrating the day she came into this world and made me her mommy, the day my life began.  I look forward to seeing her smile and have fun, and make her birthdays special.  It's crazy how much you just cannot understand or even think of until you have kids of your own.  Her birthdays pain me a little.  She's growing up way too fast.  She's still got another two and a half years till kindergarten, but man, they'll go just as fast or faster than these past three years have gone.  Every year I make a picture montage set to music of all her pictures from her last birthday to this one.  This one's was set to You are my sunshine, which is one of the songs she asks me to sing every night.  It's crazy to see how baby-like she still looked just a year, and even just 6 months ago.  Now she looks so grown up, and is so independent and talks so much.  She's also grown 3.5 inches and gained almost 5 pounds in the last year.  I am torn between wanting to keep her my little baby forever, and watching her grow and turn into a beautiful young lady who I hope succeeds in everything she sets her mind to.  Parenting is so hard, but so rewarding.  I love her so so so much.  Happy birthday baby girl!