So week two of school is in the books, and I am happy to say Em has only wet the bed one day out of the last 5 or so. So I think maybe we're almost done with that, as she gets adjusted to school again and all the differences this year.
She is loving school, and she has friends. I had to laugh, the other day she wore a sleeveless dress with a sweater over it. She said she would take the sweater off if she got hot, but I told her no, that's not what the sweater is for. Despite not having uniforms, her school does have a dress code and it is a little on the conservative side of course, which means no sleeveless shirts or dresses.
So I'm waiting for her at pick up, and she comes out with her sweater draped over her arm, just rockin' her sleeveless dress like a boss, lol. Sigh, what am I going to do with her? I think they are fairly relaxed though, and maybe only enforce certain rules if they are extreme. Like, there is a huge difference between a 6-year-old wearing a wide strapped sleeveless Minnie Mouse dress, and an 8th grader wearing a tight tank top with spaghetti straps. The dress code also says no leggings, and I saw at least 3 little girls wearing leggings. But again, there is a difference between a little girl wearing leggings, which is basically the staple of little girl clothing (or soft pants as Em calls them) and an older girl wearing leggings that should not be worn as pants.
So I had a discussion with Ryan today that I've kind of been dreading. Up until now, we've still done a lot of things together, as a family. Last year we took Emily trick or treating together and then went to dinner afterward, we take her out to dinner on her birthday in addition to having a joint party (except for this year of course), he comes over as soon as we wake up on Christmas morning to watch her open her presents, and occasionally we just go out to dinner, so she can spend time with both her parents together.
This was important when we first split. She was only 4, and despite us not working out, she still deserved to be able to sometimes see her parents together in the same place. It's also good to show her that we can be a united front for her and that we can get along, despite past arguments and the fact that we (I) don't want to be married anymore. But, she's 6 now, it's been 2.5 years, and I have a boyfriend now. It's time that we start moving apart a little. We'll still do joint birthday parties as long as it makes sense and goes smoothly, but I think we should start separating things like Halloween, and save the dinners for only very special occasions, like maybe after she's had a big recital in the future or something like that, or to celebrate moving on to middle school, etc.
It went better than I figured. He seemed a little unsure why I wanted this, but we didn't fight and he didn't protest really. I was also impressed that he didn't play the "is this because of your boyfriend" card. Which the answer to that would have been....a little. Like I said, we're still her parents, and she will still see use together at certain events, but we're not married anymore, we're not living together anymore, so it's time to stop doing every single thing together as if we are.
There is a fine line between doing together things for the sake of your kid, and pretending to still be a family and making your new significant other feel weird. Not that he has told me I cannot, and quite frankly how we handle holidays and how often we do things with our ex's hasn't even come up yet, but even when it does, I am certain he wouldn't pull the macho card and say I cannot ever do things with him for Emily. I'm sure he occasionally has to co-exist with his ex's in the same space from time to time. On Father's Day he sent me a pic of him and all 3 of his kids together. Since they are from two different marriages, they obviously had to gather at one house for them all to be together, so more than likely they had a Father's Day get together at one of his ex's houses. Which I am totally fine with and it's expected, but I cannot say I would be too geeked about frequent outings and dinners and trips to the zoo with his ex and their kid(s) like we were doing up until now.
He's been doing the co-parenting thing for a lot longer than I have, so I am sure he completely understands that there are some things that you absolutely should do with your ex for the sake of your child, and like it or not, our ex's are in our lives forever. His one ex also has a serious boyfriend, so he also understands the role of being dad to your child that doesn't live with you, and you have to co-exist with your ex and her boyfriend and deal with the potential landmines that come with that.
I can't speak for how Ryan will be, but I know Anthony will be very mature and kind and understanding when it comes to navigating things with the "new boyfriend and the dad" territory. I can't say I am jumping up and down at the idea of them meeting one day, but if hurt feelings and territorial feelings can be put aside some, I think Ryan would actually really like him and they could maybe, someday even get along. Anthony has told me several times that he wants to be the best man he can be for my daughter, and love her just as he would his own. But he also understands that she has a dad, and he has no interest in stepping on his toes because he knows exactly how hard it can be to see another man around his child more than he is. For all intents and purposes, his ex's boyfriend is raising his child because he is there, in the custodial parent's home, with his child, where Anthony is not. So I am sure he will be very empathetic to what Ryan is feeling regarding him. So hopefully, even if things are icy at first whenever they meet, maybe down the road, they can at least be civil and get along, and maybe even kind of sort of be friends...in the loosest sense of the word of course. I really don't want my boyfriend and my ex-husband hanging out though, lol.
So, Halloween falls on my weekend this year, but in an effort to start separating things and taking turns with holidays each year, I said he can have Emily this year to trick or treat in his neighborhood (ie without me and without a family dinner afterward). It's dad's year for halloween anyway according to our county's parenting schedule, so that works out well. I mean, we can set our own schedule as long as we both agree, but if we're going to start separating these things, it kind of makes sense to follow the schedule to figure out who starts it off. Besides, as the one making the move to separate things, I figure I will extend the olive branch and let him have her this year.
Halloween really is the easiest anyway. There are so many Halloween events, we're going to one a couple weeks before anyway. I am not sure what trick or treating will look like this year, but hopefully, enough people will pass out candy to make it worthwhile. Especially after the rainy, cold night, we had last year.
I'm not sure what to do about Christmas. Maaaybe this year can stay the same, but if all goes well, I am sure next year will have to change. Right now it works out great that I have her on Christmas eve which is when my family celebrates, she goes to sleep at my house and then Ryan comes over when we wake up to watch her open presents, and then she gets ready and goes with him to spend the day with him and his family. I don't know how Anthony and I will fit into each other's plans this Christmas....it seems so far, but also so close at the same time, it's only 3.5 months away. I don't know if we will have met kids yet by then, and I am not sure what he does with which of his kids, and when we'll each be available to see each other. So like I said, this year might be business as usual, but if things progress with Anthony and we get more and more serious, by next year surely we will be spending Christmas together.
Maybe one day it will be cool if Ryan still comes in the morning to watch Em open presents...and is comfortable to come over to what may likely be me and Anthony's house by then....but that comfort level probably won't be there by next year already, so we'll have to make up things as we go. But I think it's going well...Ryan seemed not thrilled, but ok with the idea of beginning to separate things more, and after 2.5 years and kind of easing her into it with fewer dinners and get-togethers here and there over time, I think Em is good with it too. See, nothing to this co-parenting thing. Haha, yeah right.
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