Christmas was great, it was so much fun to watch her open gifts and see all her new things. She got lots of great gifts from everyone. On Tuesday we let her open her Christmas Eve box, a day early since we have plans with family that night. She mostly just beat on the box so we had to do most of the tearing of the wrapping paper. Once the box was open she went right for daddy's box of Bunch o' Crunch, she liked shaking it like a rattle. I had a box of Raisinettes and there was also a bag of popcorn though we never got around to having that. She got a new pair of festive jammies and the movies The Rescuers and The Rescuers Down Under. My husband and I enjoyed the candy and we all watched The Rescuers Down Under. It will be more exciting as she gets older and understands what is going on, but for now it was a nice evening and I was happy to start the tradition.
On Christmas eve I got her all dressed up in a red and black fancy dress complete with tights and Mary Janes....she doesn't need to be an ultimate girly girl like my niece, but I am hoping she doesn't despise girly stuff like I did when I was little. It would be nice if she'll willingly put on dresses for special occasions as she gets older. So she and I met my dad at church, Ryan stayed home to get dinner ready. She did wonderful at church, she was very quiet for the first half, and only made a few sounds through out the second half, and they were just the ones that prompt friendly looks and smiles from the people around us. No ear piercing screaming thank goodness.
Then we went home, dad and my stepmom and stepsister came over, as did my brother and his wife. We had grilled burgers and cheese and chocolate fondue. The traditional swiss cheese turned out good, but the velveeta cheese and the chocolate didn't go so well. Oh well, live and learn. After dinner we opened presents, in addition to the new jumper dad and my stepmom got her (which came that evening before church so she got to try it out and loved it) she also got a ton of clothes, cute slippers and lots of books. They also got her some toys to keep at my dad's house so she has things to play with there and a Molly doll (Bubble Guppies) that talks.
The next morning we blissfully slept till 9 and once Em was all changed, we opened her presents first. She needed help, but she did pretty good. We got her a Minnie Mouse doll that crawls...kinda hoping Minnie will teach her how to crawl. She also got a baby doll with a soft body and her head rattles, and she got some stocking stuffers like more pacis, those net things you can put fruit in them so she can chew on the fruit with less risk of choking, more teething toys and a small rattle stuffed animal.
After a nice nap, we got ready and went to my inlaws and had an amazing dinner. One day I would love to be able to host like my MIL does. She never looks frazzled, the food always turned out good and there is room on the table for everything without having to go to different stations all over the kitchen to get your food.
At their house, one person opens all of their presents at a time and we go in order of age, so Emily got to go first. My inlaws got her an activity table and a thing with balls in it that spin around and the lights light up when you push the top. I think they also got her some clothes and in her stocking were these adorable pink moccasins. My SIL and BIL got her some clothes and some cute little fur lined white boots. Unfortunately none of her slippers or boots stay on very well but they make for good photo ops.
So it was a great first Christmas, and it was nice to experience it through a child's eyes again. I've always loved Christmas, but it's gotten a bit boring as an adult, so it's exciting to get to relive it through Emily and see her so excited. I know it will only get better as she gets a little older, but even at 9 months she looked happy and excited to see her gifts, and she hugged all of her stuffed animals that she got. I felt bad though that I didn't feel bad enough about missing Kayla over Christmas. I miss her, every single day, but Christmas isn't as hard because of Emily. Right after we lost her, I decided right then and there that I didn't want to have Christmas last year. We were still 9 months away, but at the time I wanted nothing to do with it. I didn't want to decorate or put up a tree, I didn't want lights outside or to celebrate with any family. It was just going to be another regular day. In fact we were contemplating going away for Christmas so we wouldn't even have to be reminded what time of year it was.
But, after 9 months, we had healed enough to breathe a little easier, but the biggest band aid for our hearts was the fact that by Christmas last year, I was 6 months pregnant with Emily, so we decided to go ahead with Christmas as usual. It wasn't easy, and I was anxious about it, but it went alright. But this year....I was excited for it. I couldn't wait to see Emily open her gifts and stick to traditions we had when me and my husband were kids, and traditions we were starting with our own family. It's very hard to be sad around Emily, she makes me smile all day every day. So it makes me feel terrible that Christmas wasn't hard without Kayla. I miss her every day, I think about her every day, and I look at Emily and I wonder who Kayla would have been. But there is one glaring thing that goes through my mind far too often, and that is, Emily wouldn't be here if Kayla was.
I will never ever ever say I am happy that we lost Kayla. I will never say it all worked out for the best. I know if she had survived and we never knew Emily, we would be full of smiles and laughter every day over what Kayla would do. But aside from feeling her inside me for 4 months and holding her tiny body, I don't know her. I don't know what her personality would have been like, I don't know what her eyes would have looked like, I don't know how her voice would have sounded. But I do know all of that about Emily, and it kills me, it fucking kills me to think of my life without Emily. She can never replace Kayla, and I will always love her and miss her, but I feel so guilty for not missing her more, for not being more sad at Christmas time. I liked a bereavement page on facebook and there has been lots of talk about getting through the holidays and people commenting, saying how terrible they are, saying how miserable they are without their baby. Why aren't I more sad? It sounds stupid to wish to be more sad, but I am afraid of losing her, I am afraid of letting Emily replace her.
But it hasn't all been easy. We got family photos taken last month, and we have a large canvas print in our living room. I look at it often, and think about how it is a lie. We are all smiling, our cute little family of three, but we are not a family of three, but the fourth member is gone. And sigining the Christmas cards....I had them printed to say "Love, the Smiths" (not our real name btw), so that I didn't have to feel judged by signing Kayla's name or feel bad for not signing it, but then I went ahead and signed the back with our three names. I felt terrible about that from the moment I mailed them. I will not be making that mistake again in coming years.
So, hopefully I am just at a place in my grief right now where I need to be happy. I know there is nothing wrong with being happy, and nothing wrong with loving Emily....I just have so little of Kayla to hold on to, I am afraid of letting go even more.
Emily has a second tooth coming in, it's her other bottom incisor. She seems to be feeling better, I haven't needed to give her as much medicine lately and she isn't crying as much, but the first one is popped all the way through and the second one is mostly popped through, so I think the pain is subsiding for now. But I am sure it won't be long until another one comes popping through and makes my baby cry some more.
I am trying to teach her how to drink from a sippy cup. She does better than she used to, a couple months ago when I tried, she just chewed on the handles. Now she does put the spout in her mouth, but it's the kind that nothing will come out without some sucking, and so far she doesn't do that. Not sure if I should be using a different sippy, or if I just need to keep offering it and eventually she will get it. Her new thing lately, and she doesn't do it all the time, but sometimes if I get close to her face and say "Emmy can I have a kiss", she'll tilt her head up and meet me for a kiss. It's sooooo sweet.
We went up north this past weekend for the annual christmas party on my dad's side. It's actually the first time I've gone, I always had to go back to work the day after Christmas so I never felt like going out of town. It was nice, lots of good food and my aunts were all excited to see Emily again and they all passed her around like a hot potato. My dad was holding her and I was sitting across the table from them. My grandma was next to them and suddenly she gave Emily a rubberband to play with. Before I could even finish the thought of WTF is she thinking, she's either going to snap herself or put that nasty thing in her mouth, Emily promptly took it from her, pulled it with her other hand and snapped it on her wrist. She got a shocked look on her face, then burst into tears. If I could read her thoughts, they would have been, "Whhhhy did you give me that, it huuuuurt". She was fine, and I wasn't super mad, but my grandma raised 12 kids, she has 28 grandkids, 16 great grandkids and her first great great grandkid was born today actually. Why in the hell did she think it was a good idea to give a baby a rubberband?
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Monday, December 22, 2014
9 months
Emily turned 9 months last week. Where is the time going? My baby is such a big girl now, she doesn't even look like a baby to me anymore. I can't believe that in addition to the 9 months I was pregnant with her that she's been with us now for 18 months. It is true, once you have kids, you have no idea how you lived without them before.
A few days before she turned 9 months I noticed her first tooth coming in. Yay! Or so I thought. I was so excited to finally see a tooth, I've been looking for them since she started drooling around 3 months. I was even surprised to see that she was handling it quite well, she would cry more than usual, if I took a toy away, or if I left the room when she didn't want me to she'd cry, but that was about it....until the end of last week. She cried at the drop of a hat, she's difficult to console, and she's all stuffy and snotty because of the teething. She sneezes a lot and always has snot all over her face, so I try to clean her up but she hates it and cries even more.
I hate it, I feel so bad for her. So I assume that in addition to the one that has already popped through, she probably has a few more waiting to cut through and causing her a lot of pain. I ran to the store the other night and bought her more Tylenol (cause you can never have enough infant Tylenol in the house), baby orajel, boogie wipes and Hyland teething tablets. My purchases must have screamed "I am a new mom". But the lady in front of me was even more frazzled. Her son lost a shoe and she was freaked that she lost it in the store somewhere, then he wouldn't sit in the cart without crying so she had to hold him, then she forgot to ask for another receipt so she had to ask the cashier to reprint it. She apologized to me for taking too long and I said that's ok, mine is probably crying at home right now. She was like thank goodness, someone who gets it. Then she started to walk away without her bags and the cashier had to call her back and I could tell, on top of being frazzled, that she was embarrased too.
She seemed nice, I wish I wouldn't have been weird to stop her and ask to be mommy friends. I had to laugh one day on the bump some women were discussing how to get another mom's number. They sounded like a bunch of guys talked about getting some chicks number, but it was just a mom who wanted to hang out with another mom.
Just two more days until Christmas, I cannot wait to watch Emily open her presents. And watch her play with them, I feel like she's getting a little bored with her toys. I'm also excited to see what she gets....people keep telling me what they got for her and I'm just like shhhh, I want it to be a surprise for me too. The jumper/exersaucer thing we bought for her is huuuge so we ended up putting that one in the basement for when we're down there, and using a smaller one my aunt had given me. But she was able to rip off two of the three toys on it and seemed bored, so I took it back to Once Upon a child to sell it and buy a new one, but they didn't have any! They usually have a ton, so I sold hers back and couldn't get her another one. So I checked a resale place by my dad's house but they only had one boring looking one and it was too much money for being second hand. My dad and stepmom hadn't gotten their big gift for her yet so I picked out one I liked and they bought it for her for christmas. It's all pink....I had been trying to get big things gender neutral in case we ever end up having a boy, but whatever. I don't care anymore. I am glad the carseat and strollers are all neutral, but if we ever had a boy I'd just buy him a second hand jumper and sell the pink one. Same with the highchair. It's too bad they don't make the fabric to buy and swap out the pink for the blue since there is obviously nothing wrong with the plastic underneath.
Emily had her 9 month appointment today. Everything was good, and I loved that she didn't need any shots. I am not sure I could handle her screaming and crying over shots and teething. So the doctor said I can start feeding her more solid food meals and cut out her midnight bottle. Actually she kind of gave me a funny look when I told her I woke her up for the bottle. I figured she was too old to be getting a bottle in the middle of the night, but I tried cutting it out a couple months ago and just giving her more in her bottles, but her little tummy couldn't handle the big bottles at the time, and then she'd get constipated from not getting as many liquids. I think she can handle it now though.
But the best part is, that means I can go to bed whenever I want. Many nights, like tonight, I could go to bed right now (11:30) or sooner, but I had to stay up till midnight to feed her, and then I would miss my "window" of being tired and end up staying up till 2 or 3 and just lay there, tossing a turning. But now I don't have to wait up, I can just go to bed whenever I am tired. She normally went right back to bed after her bottle, but some nights she would end up wide awake after and then be up for an hour or two. So another reason to be glad we can stop that.
A few days before she turned 9 months I noticed her first tooth coming in. Yay! Or so I thought. I was so excited to finally see a tooth, I've been looking for them since she started drooling around 3 months. I was even surprised to see that she was handling it quite well, she would cry more than usual, if I took a toy away, or if I left the room when she didn't want me to she'd cry, but that was about it....until the end of last week. She cried at the drop of a hat, she's difficult to console, and she's all stuffy and snotty because of the teething. She sneezes a lot and always has snot all over her face, so I try to clean her up but she hates it and cries even more.
I hate it, I feel so bad for her. So I assume that in addition to the one that has already popped through, she probably has a few more waiting to cut through and causing her a lot of pain. I ran to the store the other night and bought her more Tylenol (cause you can never have enough infant Tylenol in the house), baby orajel, boogie wipes and Hyland teething tablets. My purchases must have screamed "I am a new mom". But the lady in front of me was even more frazzled. Her son lost a shoe and she was freaked that she lost it in the store somewhere, then he wouldn't sit in the cart without crying so she had to hold him, then she forgot to ask for another receipt so she had to ask the cashier to reprint it. She apologized to me for taking too long and I said that's ok, mine is probably crying at home right now. She was like thank goodness, someone who gets it. Then she started to walk away without her bags and the cashier had to call her back and I could tell, on top of being frazzled, that she was embarrased too.
She seemed nice, I wish I wouldn't have been weird to stop her and ask to be mommy friends. I had to laugh one day on the bump some women were discussing how to get another mom's number. They sounded like a bunch of guys talked about getting some chicks number, but it was just a mom who wanted to hang out with another mom.
Just two more days until Christmas, I cannot wait to watch Emily open her presents. And watch her play with them, I feel like she's getting a little bored with her toys. I'm also excited to see what she gets....people keep telling me what they got for her and I'm just like shhhh, I want it to be a surprise for me too. The jumper/exersaucer thing we bought for her is huuuge so we ended up putting that one in the basement for when we're down there, and using a smaller one my aunt had given me. But she was able to rip off two of the three toys on it and seemed bored, so I took it back to Once Upon a child to sell it and buy a new one, but they didn't have any! They usually have a ton, so I sold hers back and couldn't get her another one. So I checked a resale place by my dad's house but they only had one boring looking one and it was too much money for being second hand. My dad and stepmom hadn't gotten their big gift for her yet so I picked out one I liked and they bought it for her for christmas. It's all pink....I had been trying to get big things gender neutral in case we ever end up having a boy, but whatever. I don't care anymore. I am glad the carseat and strollers are all neutral, but if we ever had a boy I'd just buy him a second hand jumper and sell the pink one. Same with the highchair. It's too bad they don't make the fabric to buy and swap out the pink for the blue since there is obviously nothing wrong with the plastic underneath.
Emily had her 9 month appointment today. Everything was good, and I loved that she didn't need any shots. I am not sure I could handle her screaming and crying over shots and teething. So the doctor said I can start feeding her more solid food meals and cut out her midnight bottle. Actually she kind of gave me a funny look when I told her I woke her up for the bottle. I figured she was too old to be getting a bottle in the middle of the night, but I tried cutting it out a couple months ago and just giving her more in her bottles, but her little tummy couldn't handle the big bottles at the time, and then she'd get constipated from not getting as many liquids. I think she can handle it now though.
But the best part is, that means I can go to bed whenever I want. Many nights, like tonight, I could go to bed right now (11:30) or sooner, but I had to stay up till midnight to feed her, and then I would miss my "window" of being tired and end up staying up till 2 or 3 and just lay there, tossing a turning. But now I don't have to wait up, I can just go to bed whenever I am tired. She normally went right back to bed after her bottle, but some nights she would end up wide awake after and then be up for an hour or two. So another reason to be glad we can stop that.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
You are the mother of all mothers
I'm supposed to be making lunches for the week, but I forgot to write about something completely exciting. There is a magazine called Still Standing for bereaved parents. I've posted in here my favorite article by Angela Miller called Why you did not fail as a mother. I think I posted it back in July of 2013 or you can google it if you're interested in reading it. It's kind of my bereaved mother bible, and I read it whenever I am feeling bad, or need the kick in the butt that I did nothing wrong, that I love my daughters and I would do anything to have them both here with me.
So anyway, I recently discovered that the author turned her article into a book called You are the mother of all mothers, and was even more excited to discover that the book has a tribute page and you can have your angel's name included in the book. The book had already printed once, and I found information that the tribute page for the second printing opened up back in August, so of course there was no more space. I liked the author on facebook so I can get updates on when the page will open for the third printing.
Much to my surprise, a couple days later I saw a post saying to hurry and reserve your spot for the third printing soon since there are only twenty spots left. I immediately opened my email and almost couldn't get the email written legibly since I was rushing so much to email the author to reserve a spot. So $135 later, we have a spot reserved so Kayla's name will be in the next printing due out in late winter/early spring and we get two copies of the book and it includes shipping and handling.
I'm so happy, to see Kayla's name in print in a book with other lovely angels, telling the world she was here....I love this. Back when the movie Return to Zero came out I was bummed to learn that there was an oppotunity to have her name added to the credits. But this is even better, this will be in a book that I can look at over and over, and I am excited to read the book.
After I reserved Kayla's spot, I sat there for a minute, contemplating, and then thought what the hell, I bought a spot for my stepmom as well to add her son's name. He passed away from brain cancer 10 years ago at the age of 29. The book is geared to any parent who has lost a child at any age, so I thought this would be a great surprise for her. I cannot wait to give her the book when it arrives.
In other Kayla news, the candlelight vigil that the hospital hosts at the cemetery for our babies is coming up this week. We went last year and it was nice. I was a little unsure though if we should take Emily...there were some kids there last year but they were all a little older, like 3 and 4 and older. I would hate to upset someone who recently lost a baby by bringing a baby. Maybe it would be ok if we could kind of stand in the back and not be noticed much, but it will be outdoors, in the dark, probably cold and it starts at her bedtime, so there is a good chance she could be cranky or chatty and that could really upset someone, even if their loss isn't super recent, to hear a baby crying or chatting when they are already emotional at an event for their baby.
We've been wanting to go out for dinner and a movie, so my dad is watching her on Thursday so we can go to an afternoon movie, get dinner afterward and if we time it all right, it should be about time to go to the vigil from dinner, and then we'll go home after that and put her to bed. Maybe we'll take her next year, but definitely the year after that. I want her to be a part of remembering her sister, but this year and probably next she won't know what is going on, and by not taking her I don't have to worry about upsetting anyone.
She didn't nap at all today....like at all. We were going to my friend's house today to exchange gifts with her and her boys so I tried putting her down for a nap around 11 but she wouldn't sleep. So I got her up and tried to get her to sleep with me, but no....so I tried putting her down again and still nothing. So on the way to my friend's house we stopped at my dad's for a visit for about an hour and she was awake for the entire 20 minute drive. But then she fell asleep on the 5 minute drive from my dad's to my friend's. I felt terrible waking her up since I knew she needed to sleep. So we stayed for a few hours, and then went to pick up dinner on the way home.
Well, first we had to make another pit stop at my dad's. When we left my friend's house I realized I needed to go to the bathroom....I didn't have the stroller so I wouldn't be able to take her in and go at the restaurant, and I knew it was be an awful drive home if I didn't go, haha, so I called my dad, said I am stopping back over, I needed him to come out and sit with her while I ran in and used his bathroom. She probably would have been fine in the car, she was asleep again, his neighborhood is safe, I would have locked the doors, but I just couldn't do it. So when we got to the restaurant I had to wake her up again, and then again when we got home. I felt so bad, but at least that last stretch on the way home was a good 15 minute nap. But then she was so wired from not sleeping that she didn't go to bed until 2 hours past her bedtime.
So this brings up a question. How do you pee when you're out and about with your little one, they cannot walk yet to stand there, and you have no where to put them while you go?
So anyway, I recently discovered that the author turned her article into a book called You are the mother of all mothers, and was even more excited to discover that the book has a tribute page and you can have your angel's name included in the book. The book had already printed once, and I found information that the tribute page for the second printing opened up back in August, so of course there was no more space. I liked the author on facebook so I can get updates on when the page will open for the third printing.
Much to my surprise, a couple days later I saw a post saying to hurry and reserve your spot for the third printing soon since there are only twenty spots left. I immediately opened my email and almost couldn't get the email written legibly since I was rushing so much to email the author to reserve a spot. So $135 later, we have a spot reserved so Kayla's name will be in the next printing due out in late winter/early spring and we get two copies of the book and it includes shipping and handling.
I'm so happy, to see Kayla's name in print in a book with other lovely angels, telling the world she was here....I love this. Back when the movie Return to Zero came out I was bummed to learn that there was an oppotunity to have her name added to the credits. But this is even better, this will be in a book that I can look at over and over, and I am excited to read the book.
After I reserved Kayla's spot, I sat there for a minute, contemplating, and then thought what the hell, I bought a spot for my stepmom as well to add her son's name. He passed away from brain cancer 10 years ago at the age of 29. The book is geared to any parent who has lost a child at any age, so I thought this would be a great surprise for her. I cannot wait to give her the book when it arrives.
In other Kayla news, the candlelight vigil that the hospital hosts at the cemetery for our babies is coming up this week. We went last year and it was nice. I was a little unsure though if we should take Emily...there were some kids there last year but they were all a little older, like 3 and 4 and older. I would hate to upset someone who recently lost a baby by bringing a baby. Maybe it would be ok if we could kind of stand in the back and not be noticed much, but it will be outdoors, in the dark, probably cold and it starts at her bedtime, so there is a good chance she could be cranky or chatty and that could really upset someone, even if their loss isn't super recent, to hear a baby crying or chatting when they are already emotional at an event for their baby.
We've been wanting to go out for dinner and a movie, so my dad is watching her on Thursday so we can go to an afternoon movie, get dinner afterward and if we time it all right, it should be about time to go to the vigil from dinner, and then we'll go home after that and put her to bed. Maybe we'll take her next year, but definitely the year after that. I want her to be a part of remembering her sister, but this year and probably next she won't know what is going on, and by not taking her I don't have to worry about upsetting anyone.
She didn't nap at all today....like at all. We were going to my friend's house today to exchange gifts with her and her boys so I tried putting her down for a nap around 11 but she wouldn't sleep. So I got her up and tried to get her to sleep with me, but no....so I tried putting her down again and still nothing. So on the way to my friend's house we stopped at my dad's for a visit for about an hour and she was awake for the entire 20 minute drive. But then she fell asleep on the 5 minute drive from my dad's to my friend's. I felt terrible waking her up since I knew she needed to sleep. So we stayed for a few hours, and then went to pick up dinner on the way home.
Well, first we had to make another pit stop at my dad's. When we left my friend's house I realized I needed to go to the bathroom....I didn't have the stroller so I wouldn't be able to take her in and go at the restaurant, and I knew it was be an awful drive home if I didn't go, haha, so I called my dad, said I am stopping back over, I needed him to come out and sit with her while I ran in and used his bathroom. She probably would have been fine in the car, she was asleep again, his neighborhood is safe, I would have locked the doors, but I just couldn't do it. So when we got to the restaurant I had to wake her up again, and then again when we got home. I felt so bad, but at least that last stretch on the way home was a good 15 minute nap. But then she was so wired from not sleeping that she didn't go to bed until 2 hours past her bedtime.
So this brings up a question. How do you pee when you're out and about with your little one, they cannot walk yet to stand there, and you have no where to put them while you go?
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Walking?
I am always so amazed every time Emily does something new. I am such
a proud mama, as if no other child has done any of these things and I
think she is a genius. Well, that she may be. Anyway, I've been trying to help her learn to crawl, but so far she just refuses to get up on her knees. I've even tried putting her in position and she'll stay like that for a few seconds before falling back on to her tummy.
So the other day I was helping her do sit ups, holding out my hands for her to pull on to sit up. Once she was in a sitting position, to my surprise, she grabbed on to me and pulled herself into a standing position. I've said it all along, maybe she'll just skip crawling and go straight to walking, but now it looks like she might do just that. A few nights later once she was standing she leaned for the christmas tote that was next to us, so I guided her arms from me to the tote, she stood there and took one step toward it. Yay Emmy! But then after a few minutes her arms got tired and she face planted into the tote, my poor baby.
It will be amazing when she starts walking, but I kind of hope she doesn't skip crawling. I am not sure this mama can handle walking right away. She has less opportunity to get hurt crawling. Maybe I should take the baby gate downstairs. When it was delivered months ago we set it against the wall in the hallway and it never got taken downstairs. I am sick of it sitting there, but I know the minute I haul it downstairs, she will become mobile and I'll have to bring it back upstairs. So if I want her to become mobile, I should take it downstairs, just like you have to go to the bathroom at a restaurant if you want the food to come.
Last weekend we went with my friend and her boys to see Santa. Emily did great, no tears, she just stared at him and touched the fur on his coat. I got some great pictures. I loved the Santa, he was very nice and friendly, and the location was great, at a museum in my hometown. My friend's mom got me in the museum for free on a visitor's pass and seeing Santa is free so that was nice. We plan on getting a membership there this year....in addition to the museum there is also a historic village and Emily and I went there this past summer with my SIL. It was nice just to walk around, and Emily loved the train, the carousel and the little playground. Going just twice would pay for the membership itself compared to general admission each time so I think it's definitely worth it and we can go see Santa there every year.
I'm so glad Em is a little older for her first Christmas and not just a tiny newborn. I know she really has no clue what is going on, but she can at least participate a little. We decorated our tree the other day and her face lit up when I turned the lights on and I picked her up and we put her ornament on first. She loves to grab paper and crunch it so I think she will have a good time tearing at her presents.
So my little pumpkin is getting to be quite sassy. If you take something from her that she shouldn't have, or if you're trying to fix something she has she throws a fit. Sometimes I will give her something she can have, like if I want her to have a toy but she grabbed my cell phone instead, but I won't just give her something to placate her. I hope she is not too young to start doing that to, but I think too often people don't discipline their children until their older and by then bad habits are set. I don't want her to think screaming and crying will always gets her what she wants. But I do think I must be a horrible mother because I think she is so cute when she cries. It breaks my heart, but she's adorable with her little face all scrunched up.
In diaper news, I think we've finally found an overnight diaper that works. Emily sleeps about 12 hours and I hate waking her up in the middle of the night to change her diaper. We had been using Pamper's baby dry but at least 2 or 3 days a week she woke up soaking wet. So I tried going up a size, same problem. So then I doubled up, a smaller size and the bigger size over top....it helped, but she was still waking up wet more often than I liked. I love Pamper's Swaddlers, but I've heard good things about Huggie overnights. This morning was day 4 of waking up with completely dry jammies. Hopefully the trend continues, that's got to feel miserable being all wet and cold. I still have quite a few baby dry diapers left, but if the Huggies continue to work well, I can give them to my cousin who is coming to visit next week.
Emily and I went to visit them and their new baby last week and also to get the old Keurig they are giving me that they aren't using anymore. So we went and chatted, got a tour of their new house, laughed at the babies meeting each other, and after a couple hours we said goodbye and were on our way, and we all completely forgot about the Keurig. So they're going to come visit us next week and (hopefully) bring it.
So the other day I was helping her do sit ups, holding out my hands for her to pull on to sit up. Once she was in a sitting position, to my surprise, she grabbed on to me and pulled herself into a standing position. I've said it all along, maybe she'll just skip crawling and go straight to walking, but now it looks like she might do just that. A few nights later once she was standing she leaned for the christmas tote that was next to us, so I guided her arms from me to the tote, she stood there and took one step toward it. Yay Emmy! But then after a few minutes her arms got tired and she face planted into the tote, my poor baby.
It will be amazing when she starts walking, but I kind of hope she doesn't skip crawling. I am not sure this mama can handle walking right away. She has less opportunity to get hurt crawling. Maybe I should take the baby gate downstairs. When it was delivered months ago we set it against the wall in the hallway and it never got taken downstairs. I am sick of it sitting there, but I know the minute I haul it downstairs, she will become mobile and I'll have to bring it back upstairs. So if I want her to become mobile, I should take it downstairs, just like you have to go to the bathroom at a restaurant if you want the food to come.
Last weekend we went with my friend and her boys to see Santa. Emily did great, no tears, she just stared at him and touched the fur on his coat. I got some great pictures. I loved the Santa, he was very nice and friendly, and the location was great, at a museum in my hometown. My friend's mom got me in the museum for free on a visitor's pass and seeing Santa is free so that was nice. We plan on getting a membership there this year....in addition to the museum there is also a historic village and Emily and I went there this past summer with my SIL. It was nice just to walk around, and Emily loved the train, the carousel and the little playground. Going just twice would pay for the membership itself compared to general admission each time so I think it's definitely worth it and we can go see Santa there every year.
I'm so glad Em is a little older for her first Christmas and not just a tiny newborn. I know she really has no clue what is going on, but she can at least participate a little. We decorated our tree the other day and her face lit up when I turned the lights on and I picked her up and we put her ornament on first. She loves to grab paper and crunch it so I think she will have a good time tearing at her presents.
So my little pumpkin is getting to be quite sassy. If you take something from her that she shouldn't have, or if you're trying to fix something she has she throws a fit. Sometimes I will give her something she can have, like if I want her to have a toy but she grabbed my cell phone instead, but I won't just give her something to placate her. I hope she is not too young to start doing that to, but I think too often people don't discipline their children until their older and by then bad habits are set. I don't want her to think screaming and crying will always gets her what she wants. But I do think I must be a horrible mother because I think she is so cute when she cries. It breaks my heart, but she's adorable with her little face all scrunched up.
In diaper news, I think we've finally found an overnight diaper that works. Emily sleeps about 12 hours and I hate waking her up in the middle of the night to change her diaper. We had been using Pamper's baby dry but at least 2 or 3 days a week she woke up soaking wet. So I tried going up a size, same problem. So then I doubled up, a smaller size and the bigger size over top....it helped, but she was still waking up wet more often than I liked. I love Pamper's Swaddlers, but I've heard good things about Huggie overnights. This morning was day 4 of waking up with completely dry jammies. Hopefully the trend continues, that's got to feel miserable being all wet and cold. I still have quite a few baby dry diapers left, but if the Huggies continue to work well, I can give them to my cousin who is coming to visit next week.
Emily and I went to visit them and their new baby last week and also to get the old Keurig they are giving me that they aren't using anymore. So we went and chatted, got a tour of their new house, laughed at the babies meeting each other, and after a couple hours we said goodbye and were on our way, and we all completely forgot about the Keurig. So they're going to come visit us next week and (hopefully) bring it.
Friday, November 28, 2014
Cemetery decorations
Once again I am very disappointed with the cemetery Kayla is buried in. It's never been my favorite, the appearance just isn't very nice. Not far from Kayla's grave is an open area where they store vaults...just out in the open. It looks very creepy and I can't understand why they can't just put up a small section of fence, or plant some pine trees or something to hide them. The roads are also crap, they are always full of potholes, after a rain they are flooded. Again, are you that strapped for cash that you can't pave the damn roads? It's not some backwoods family cemetery where no one comes to visit anymore, it would be nice to be able to get to my daughter's grave without being bounced all over the car. The ONLY reason we chose that cemetery is location. Plain and simple, we had to have our baby close by.
So my latest rant, the decorations. I understand that cemeteries have regulations about what is allowed and how often the decorations are allowed to stay. Anytime we go to my mom's cemetery, the things we brought last time are usually gone. I get that, the cemetery would look like crap if you never had any regulations, people would probably try to park the deceased's favorite couch on their grave if you let them. Kayla's cemetery is no different, the sign when you drive in has the dates in which they do fall and spring clean up. However, in the almost two years we've been going there, the baby garden has always seemed to be an exception.
We've always had at least 3 or 4 small items on Kayla's grave, including a teddy bear, a pinwheel, etc....other graves also have stuffed animals and pinwheels and such. One grave, the family obviously couldn't afford a grave marker so they just had a generic garden stone with a pretty saying on it to mark the grave. I went today, and everything was gone. Everything. Her stuffed animal, the pinwheel her Nana gave her on the day of her funeral, the butterfly stake we got her, a bouquet of fake flowers so she would always have flowers.
All of the other baby graves were bare as well, including the garden stone to mark that baby's grave. I am so angry and sad. If we had known that they would do this clean up, we would have made sure to take those items before the clean up was done. I completely understand the rules, but when they have never applied those rules to that section before, I think it is bullshit that they suddenly did this. Especially that little girl's marker. It was flat on the ground just like the regulation ones. Is the cemetery really going to go broke because this one family couldn't afford a $1000 stone?
I can understand the rules for the rest of the cemetery, but losing a baby is so damn unnatural and horrible, I don't see what is wrong with allowing us to keep sentimental items at their graves all the time. And even if they decided this year it needed to be cleaned up, there are only about a dozen graves in the ground over there (as opposed to the mausoleums), would it have been that hard to send out a notice to the parents to let us know that even though in the past the decorations were overlooked, this year they would not be?
So my latest rant, the decorations. I understand that cemeteries have regulations about what is allowed and how often the decorations are allowed to stay. Anytime we go to my mom's cemetery, the things we brought last time are usually gone. I get that, the cemetery would look like crap if you never had any regulations, people would probably try to park the deceased's favorite couch on their grave if you let them. Kayla's cemetery is no different, the sign when you drive in has the dates in which they do fall and spring clean up. However, in the almost two years we've been going there, the baby garden has always seemed to be an exception.
We've always had at least 3 or 4 small items on Kayla's grave, including a teddy bear, a pinwheel, etc....other graves also have stuffed animals and pinwheels and such. One grave, the family obviously couldn't afford a grave marker so they just had a generic garden stone with a pretty saying on it to mark the grave. I went today, and everything was gone. Everything. Her stuffed animal, the pinwheel her Nana gave her on the day of her funeral, the butterfly stake we got her, a bouquet of fake flowers so she would always have flowers.
All of the other baby graves were bare as well, including the garden stone to mark that baby's grave. I am so angry and sad. If we had known that they would do this clean up, we would have made sure to take those items before the clean up was done. I completely understand the rules, but when they have never applied those rules to that section before, I think it is bullshit that they suddenly did this. Especially that little girl's marker. It was flat on the ground just like the regulation ones. Is the cemetery really going to go broke because this one family couldn't afford a $1000 stone?
I can understand the rules for the rest of the cemetery, but losing a baby is so damn unnatural and horrible, I don't see what is wrong with allowing us to keep sentimental items at their graves all the time. And even if they decided this year it needed to be cleaned up, there are only about a dozen graves in the ground over there (as opposed to the mausoleums), would it have been that hard to send out a notice to the parents to let us know that even though in the past the decorations were overlooked, this year they would not be?
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
kids vs pets
I should be making my dessert for Thanksgiving Day dinner tomorrow while Emily naps, but I need to vent first. A friend of mine just posted on FB this picture of a dog that says, "don't tell me I am not a mom just because my kids have four legs and fur". Then it goes on to say how much they do for their animals; bathing them, feeding them, taking care of them, etc, and then says "I am their mom and they are my kids".
I am probably taking this way more seriously than it is meant to be, but it kind of pisses me off. To compare a pet to a child is ludicrous. I love my cats, and I dread the day they pass away. I've had Zoey since he was a kitten, for many years it was just the two of us and I will be devestated when he dies. He is 12 years old, so it's something I think about it, especially when I see him sleeping more, and slowing down. I do agree that pets aren't just an animal and they are a member of the family.....but, they are not kids. When my cats die, I will be very sad. I will cry and probably be pretty sad for a few days. I will always remember them, they have distinct personalities, they cannot just be replaced with new cats. But life will go on, and we would probably eventually get another cat.
But when a child dies, a part of you dies with them. You never recover from the death of a child, you aren't just sad for a while, you are broken, crushed, and will never be the same. I know everyone grieves differently and despite being an animal lover myself, I am sure there are those that would grieve deeper than I would for a pet, but if you become depressed, can't get out of bed for months and months because you lost a pet, you probably need some sort of psychological help.
And let's not even talk about losing one, let's talk about the love. As I said, I love my cats, they've added lots of joy to my life, but they cannot even begin to compare to the amount of love I feel for my daughters. Being a parent is the toughest job on earth, so to say that being a pet parent is the toughest job on earth is complete bullshit. Do you lie awake at night worried about your pet? Do you feel guilty because you couldn't do something that you absolutely should not feel guilty for? Do you compare your pets to other people's pets and worry about their developement, their health, their happiness? Now granted I have not been through this part yet myself, but having once been a teenage girl, I don't look forward to being on the mom side of the teenage years, but do you spend years trying to do what is right for your pet, worrying about them non-stop, having them hate you for several years, desperately waiting for them to grow up and come back to you? Do you worry about raising your pets to be kind, happy, compassionate, well rounded individuals, seeing every one of their failures as nothing but your own failure? Do you send them out into the world everyday, worried that something will happen to them, worried someone will be mean to them, worried they'll be mean to someone, worried that others judge you for how you choose to raise them? No? Then having pets is not the same as being a parent to children.
It's fine to love your pet and say they are your babies.....but to say you are just as much a mother to pets as someone is a mother to a child is just absolutely ridiculous. Except of course for the people that shouldn't even own a pet rock. I know some parents of children don't even deserve the title of parents, but that's another rant.
So we survived our first overnight away from Emily. It was fun, and I honestly wasn't worried about her at all. It was hard saying goodbye to her, I gave her a million hugs and kisses but I knew she was in good hands. The only thing that made me sad was they took her to the funeral home because my MIL's cousin had died, and she said she felt like she was searching all of the faces in the room for us. I am not upset that they took her, but I am sure if they were home the whole time she would have been fine, but it makes me sad to think she was wondering where we were, and hoping to see us in that crowd of people.
So we checked into the hotel around 5 and went to our room. It was a very nice room, I'd venture to say it was one of the nicest rooms we've ever had. Our room even had a doorbell, I thought that was pretty cool. It doesn't take much to impress me. I got the Executive Room package, which to my confusion was the same price as a Deluxe room, but the Executive package came with snacks in the Butler's Lounge that night and breakfast the next day. The snacks were decent, the breakfast was not. So we had our snacks, and then went to the casino floor.
I lost $20 in a slot machine but then played another $20 and won $60. Then we lost some at roulette, and then we lost some on another slot. By then it was time for the Boys II Men concert. They were really good, they did all the good songs but their concert was a bit different from when we saw them last year in Vegas. During the song I'll make love to you, they come out into the audience and passed out roses. I was pregnant last year and wasn't about to go fight a crowd of women for a rose, so I was like oh I'm getting one this time. In Vegas it was like a big auditorium so they came off stage and walked up the aisles. But this time the venue was like a small concert venue so the stage was very high up and we were off to the side on like a mezanine level. We had great seats, but they wouldn't be coming near us with roses. They just handed them out to the people on the floor in front of the stage. I was jumping up and down, waving my arms in the air and they did toss a few to our section, the woman in the row ahead of ours got one, but no rose for Amy :( I was bummed. But after the concert my darling husband did go down to the main floor and got me a few rose petals that had fallen off, so dammit I got something.
We both had two long islands during the concert, they were yummy and I hadn't been buzzed in a long time, so that was fun. Afterward we went back to the casino floor, I had a Vodka Cranberry and I said I wanted to find a slot machine, put in some money, and play the max bet until the money ran out. So we put in $30 and on my second bet I won some sort of prize where you pick five treasure chests, so from that I won 15 free games. From that, I won $150. So we cashed out and took our happy butts back to our room. So I think in total we got our money back and won about $90.
So then we were in for the night. I took a bath in the nice big tub and then cooled off in the shower....I love trying out hotel showers...it's the first thing I do when I get to a room is check out the bathroom. Then we ordered room service and I didn't eat very much but I felt so full and bloated. It might have been from drinking too. So as if I am not old enough, I was hungover before we even went to bed. I didn't know that was possible. I didn't feel well and had a headache so I didn't sleep well. It was my only complaint of the evening, I was really looking forward to a sleep where I didn't have to worry about getting up for Emily. But all in all it was a fun night, Emily had a good time at home with Nana and Papa. Nana brought over a hand print kit so they made us an ornament of her hand print, and they said she went down with no problems and never woke up in the middle of the night. What a good girl we have.
Oh, the highlight of my night, not once, but twice, two separate security guards pointed at me and said I need to see her ID....they didn't want to see Ryan's but they wanted mine, that just made my night, especially since I am older than Ryan. Only by four months, but still, I thought it was cool.
I am probably taking this way more seriously than it is meant to be, but it kind of pisses me off. To compare a pet to a child is ludicrous. I love my cats, and I dread the day they pass away. I've had Zoey since he was a kitten, for many years it was just the two of us and I will be devestated when he dies. He is 12 years old, so it's something I think about it, especially when I see him sleeping more, and slowing down. I do agree that pets aren't just an animal and they are a member of the family.....but, they are not kids. When my cats die, I will be very sad. I will cry and probably be pretty sad for a few days. I will always remember them, they have distinct personalities, they cannot just be replaced with new cats. But life will go on, and we would probably eventually get another cat.
But when a child dies, a part of you dies with them. You never recover from the death of a child, you aren't just sad for a while, you are broken, crushed, and will never be the same. I know everyone grieves differently and despite being an animal lover myself, I am sure there are those that would grieve deeper than I would for a pet, but if you become depressed, can't get out of bed for months and months because you lost a pet, you probably need some sort of psychological help.
And let's not even talk about losing one, let's talk about the love. As I said, I love my cats, they've added lots of joy to my life, but they cannot even begin to compare to the amount of love I feel for my daughters. Being a parent is the toughest job on earth, so to say that being a pet parent is the toughest job on earth is complete bullshit. Do you lie awake at night worried about your pet? Do you feel guilty because you couldn't do something that you absolutely should not feel guilty for? Do you compare your pets to other people's pets and worry about their developement, their health, their happiness? Now granted I have not been through this part yet myself, but having once been a teenage girl, I don't look forward to being on the mom side of the teenage years, but do you spend years trying to do what is right for your pet, worrying about them non-stop, having them hate you for several years, desperately waiting for them to grow up and come back to you? Do you worry about raising your pets to be kind, happy, compassionate, well rounded individuals, seeing every one of their failures as nothing but your own failure? Do you send them out into the world everyday, worried that something will happen to them, worried someone will be mean to them, worried they'll be mean to someone, worried that others judge you for how you choose to raise them? No? Then having pets is not the same as being a parent to children.
It's fine to love your pet and say they are your babies.....but to say you are just as much a mother to pets as someone is a mother to a child is just absolutely ridiculous. Except of course for the people that shouldn't even own a pet rock. I know some parents of children don't even deserve the title of parents, but that's another rant.
So we survived our first overnight away from Emily. It was fun, and I honestly wasn't worried about her at all. It was hard saying goodbye to her, I gave her a million hugs and kisses but I knew she was in good hands. The only thing that made me sad was they took her to the funeral home because my MIL's cousin had died, and she said she felt like she was searching all of the faces in the room for us. I am not upset that they took her, but I am sure if they were home the whole time she would have been fine, but it makes me sad to think she was wondering where we were, and hoping to see us in that crowd of people.
So we checked into the hotel around 5 and went to our room. It was a very nice room, I'd venture to say it was one of the nicest rooms we've ever had. Our room even had a doorbell, I thought that was pretty cool. It doesn't take much to impress me. I got the Executive Room package, which to my confusion was the same price as a Deluxe room, but the Executive package came with snacks in the Butler's Lounge that night and breakfast the next day. The snacks were decent, the breakfast was not. So we had our snacks, and then went to the casino floor.
I lost $20 in a slot machine but then played another $20 and won $60. Then we lost some at roulette, and then we lost some on another slot. By then it was time for the Boys II Men concert. They were really good, they did all the good songs but their concert was a bit different from when we saw them last year in Vegas. During the song I'll make love to you, they come out into the audience and passed out roses. I was pregnant last year and wasn't about to go fight a crowd of women for a rose, so I was like oh I'm getting one this time. In Vegas it was like a big auditorium so they came off stage and walked up the aisles. But this time the venue was like a small concert venue so the stage was very high up and we were off to the side on like a mezanine level. We had great seats, but they wouldn't be coming near us with roses. They just handed them out to the people on the floor in front of the stage. I was jumping up and down, waving my arms in the air and they did toss a few to our section, the woman in the row ahead of ours got one, but no rose for Amy :( I was bummed. But after the concert my darling husband did go down to the main floor and got me a few rose petals that had fallen off, so dammit I got something.
We both had two long islands during the concert, they were yummy and I hadn't been buzzed in a long time, so that was fun. Afterward we went back to the casino floor, I had a Vodka Cranberry and I said I wanted to find a slot machine, put in some money, and play the max bet until the money ran out. So we put in $30 and on my second bet I won some sort of prize where you pick five treasure chests, so from that I won 15 free games. From that, I won $150. So we cashed out and took our happy butts back to our room. So I think in total we got our money back and won about $90.
So then we were in for the night. I took a bath in the nice big tub and then cooled off in the shower....I love trying out hotel showers...it's the first thing I do when I get to a room is check out the bathroom. Then we ordered room service and I didn't eat very much but I felt so full and bloated. It might have been from drinking too. So as if I am not old enough, I was hungover before we even went to bed. I didn't know that was possible. I didn't feel well and had a headache so I didn't sleep well. It was my only complaint of the evening, I was really looking forward to a sleep where I didn't have to worry about getting up for Emily. But all in all it was a fun night, Emily had a good time at home with Nana and Papa. Nana brought over a hand print kit so they made us an ornament of her hand print, and they said she went down with no problems and never woke up in the middle of the night. What a good girl we have.
Oh, the highlight of my night, not once, but twice, two separate security guards pointed at me and said I need to see her ID....they didn't want to see Ryan's but they wanted mine, that just made my night, especially since I am older than Ryan. Only by four months, but still, I thought it was cool.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Thankful
I am waiting for Emily to wake up from her nap so we can go to the grocery, so in the meantime I thought I would take a moment to talk about my family. Occasionally my stepmom can be a little "large" with Em and voice that she doesn't get to see her enough. But I realized the other day how lucky I am, and how lucky Emily is to have grandparents who love her so very much. Even if I have to occasionally think about putting a tether on her in case Grammy strikes and kidknaps her :), I am extremely thankful for how much she loves her.
Some kids don't have any living grandparents, or at least not all of them, and those that do don't have ones that will win grandparent of the year award. Emily's grandma was taken from us far too early, but we are blessed to have my stepmom in our lives. Sometimes she'll just hold her tight and I hear her tell her that she loves her so much, and that just melts my heart. I had a grandma who loved me to the moon and back, her love was unconditional and I miss her every day, and I am so happy that Emily has grandmothers, both here on earth and in heaven, who will always think she can do no wrong and love her to pieces. Her grandpa's are also so adoring of her and I am thankful that she'll have an older generation of both male and female figures in her life that she can look up to and learn from.
I was also thinking the other day of my extended family. I have a big family, and most families have drama. My family is no exception, some don't get along with this one, and some are hard to get along with, but overall for having such a big family, I think it's pretty amazing how close we all are and how little we want to kill each other compared to some families. My aunts and uncles have a lot of nieces and nephews.....a lot, like 30 just on one side. Some of my cousins and aunts and uncles are closer to each other because geographically they are closer. But even though I don't see them that often, they never miss an opportunity to see us when they can, and are happy to see us.
They are just as happy to see and snuggle my kid as they are one of my cousins' kids whom they are closer to and see more often, and I just love them. I am a very very lucky girl to have born into this family. They may be a bunch of crazies, but they are my crazies.
Some kids don't have any living grandparents, or at least not all of them, and those that do don't have ones that will win grandparent of the year award. Emily's grandma was taken from us far too early, but we are blessed to have my stepmom in our lives. Sometimes she'll just hold her tight and I hear her tell her that she loves her so much, and that just melts my heart. I had a grandma who loved me to the moon and back, her love was unconditional and I miss her every day, and I am so happy that Emily has grandmothers, both here on earth and in heaven, who will always think she can do no wrong and love her to pieces. Her grandpa's are also so adoring of her and I am thankful that she'll have an older generation of both male and female figures in her life that she can look up to and learn from.
I was also thinking the other day of my extended family. I have a big family, and most families have drama. My family is no exception, some don't get along with this one, and some are hard to get along with, but overall for having such a big family, I think it's pretty amazing how close we all are and how little we want to kill each other compared to some families. My aunts and uncles have a lot of nieces and nephews.....a lot, like 30 just on one side. Some of my cousins and aunts and uncles are closer to each other because geographically they are closer. But even though I don't see them that often, they never miss an opportunity to see us when they can, and are happy to see us.
They are just as happy to see and snuggle my kid as they are one of my cousins' kids whom they are closer to and see more often, and I just love them. I am a very very lucky girl to have born into this family. They may be a bunch of crazies, but they are my crazies.
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