Disney and time out

Well we had a great time at Disney.  We got home a week ago.  We spent four days at the parks; Epcot, Hollywood Studios and two days at the Magic Kingdom.  I do regret not going to Animal Kingdom a little bit.  I think Em would have really liked it, and we were kind of bored at Hollywood Studios.  Or maybe we should have sprung for the park hopper that day.  Anyway, Em met so many characters, a bunch of princesses like Cinderella, Rapunzle, Belle, and she also met Alice and Tinkerbell.

She did good with them, but she is pretty new to the princess world.  She did start saying princess a month or so ago, and gets excited when she sees them on TV, but I think the fact that they were real people weirded her out a bit.  She loved the characters though.  She met Goofy, Pluto, Donald, Daisy, and of course her favorite, Mickey and Minnie.  She got to meet them, along with Goofy twice because we did a meet and greet at Epcot the first day, and then on our last day we had dinner at Chef Mickey and she met the whole gang.

For anyone going there, I highly recommend Chef Mickey (our reservations were for 5, practically walked right in, but the line was huge as we were leaving).  It's a fun atmosphere, very good buffet for both adults and kids, and all of the characters make the rounds and each one goes to each and every table for at least a minute or two to interact with the kids, take pictures and sign autographs.  Definitely an awesome way to round out our last day.  I was excited to go to Disney since the whole family was going, but I has my reservations about spending so much money and Emily being so young.

My SIL and her family, their kids are 9 and 6 so they obviously got a lot out of it, and it will be their first and only trip.  So I was a little anxious about spending all this money for a trip that Em won't remember, and then possibly even going again some day when Em is older, or if we have another kid.  I don't doubt that my niece and nephew had a great time being older, but Emmy really did get more out of meeting the characters I think.  At their age, it was probably cool, but they likely know they're not real.  But for Em, it was like Mickey and Minnie stepped out of the TV and she got to meet them.  I am sure it was amazing for her, and we have great pictures to show her some day.  She wasn't afraid of them like I worried, but she wasn't real eager to go up and hug them.  But by the time she met them again at Chef Mickey she was much more comfortable, she honked all of their noses, poked their eyeballs, showed them her eyes, and Goofy had her absolutely cracking up.

Plus it was just an all around nice family trip.  Em is with me all day long, every waking minute but she doesn't see Ryan as much when he is sleeping.  But during that week she got to spend 24/7 with both of us.  She's still a mama's girl, but they got to bond a lot that week.  Now when daddy leaves the room, she calls for him, and she'll go to daddy when she is hurt as much as she'll go to me.  It was also great seeing her play and interact with her cousins, they're such good big cousins, holding her hand and walking with her, making her laugh.  I also loved seeing her with her Nana and Papa all week.  Since we flew with them, and they watched her sometimes when we went on rides she couldn't go on, she got to spend a lot of time with them too.  I got this picture of her and Nana, Em was giving her raspberries on her cheek and they were both laughing so hard together.  It's a precious picture.  I know saving money and spending it wisely is important, but I saw this meme the other day.  It said take vacations, you can always make more money but you can't always make more memories.  So true.

We only made it swimming once which was disappointing, but Emily had fun.  It was a little chilly but I am glad we went since we didn't get another chance.  Every day we were just so busy at the parks.  The kid is a dare devil.  Last fall in Chicago I taught her to hold my hands and jump into the pool from the deck.  So we did that this time too.  But then I took my hands away and I tried to get her to jump into my arms without holding my hands.  She was scared at first so I didn't push it, but then she tried it and loved it.  She was still a little more comfortable holding my hands, but within a few minutes she would just jump into my arms and sometimes I wasn't even ready for it.  I hope she stays this way and doesn't have my fear of water.

So we spent one day just relaxing when we changed hotels since we didn't want to shell out the cash of staying on the resort once we were done at the parks.  Our resort hotel was cute though.  We stayed at the Art of Imagination and we were in the Little Mermaid rooms.  Outside there were giant statues of Ursula and King Triton, there were statues of the dinglehopper (the fork) and the snarfblat (the pipe) along with that statue of Prince Eric.  Our room was also themed, the headboard on our bed was like a shell, there were pics of Ariel's friends on the walls, Ariel herself was on the shower curtain, the bathroom mirror was under the sea-like.  Very cute.

Friday we went to Sea World.  That was a lot of fun.  It was still a lot of walking but it was still like a relaxing day, after four days at Disney, Sea World felt tiny and it wasn't nearly as crowded.  We saw the Shamu show, we got Emmy a stuffed whale which she named Shampoo (she had just learned the word, so when we told her his name was Shamu, she of course called it shampoo).  We saw a sea lion show, ate dinner next to the shark aquarium.  The next day we flew home.  The flights weren't great.

There was some problems with checking us in for our flight going, so despite being at the airport in plenty of time, we were running to our gate and they were threatening to give our seats away.  We were already running late, but of course my diaper bag had to get red flagged and they took forever to search it.  I had forgotten about some sunscreen that was over the limit.  I had my MIL and FIL take Em to the gate while we waited for the bag, since we still had to buy some snacks and milk for Em.  The gate agents were asking them if they would go without us if we didn't get there soon.  My MIL was like no, it's a family vacation and this is their kid!

Emmy did pretty well on that flight.  Her ears bothered her on take off, but not bad, and then the seat back screen kept her entertained for most of the flight.  Her ears hurt a lot while we descended and then thankfully she fell asleep a minute or so before we landed.  The flights coming back weren't as good.  She was not listening to me, she kept taking her seat belt off and standing up in her seat, wanting to climb all over me.  Laughing and shrieking and then yelling and crying when she didn't get her way.  I normally do not give a shit what people think about her tantrums when we're out in public, but on a plane it was different.  I was stuck with those people for 2 hours, she literally did not listen to a thing I said, and I used to be that person that judged people with noisy kids on airplanes.

Then on landing her ears were hurting a lot so I had her in my lap, but this bitchy flight attendant came by and scolded that she had to be in her seat and her seatbelt on.  I put her in her seat, but she started screaming and crying from the pain, so I said fuck it and brought her back into my lap.  I was hoping the lady would come back so I could bitch her out.  We bought Emily a seat but since she is under two we didn't have to.  So if we hadn't bought her a seat, she would have been perfectly fine in my arms, so that woman was just being a bitch and not bothering to ask how old she was.

Besides, I am all about safety, but let's face it, if we crashed, not being in her seat likely wouldn't make a difference.  She was in pain and upset and I am going to choose comforting my baby vs following BS rules for the unlikely event of a crash.  So, I am not looking forward to flying again in the near future.  In fact I don't think we will until she is much older.

This week I have been so unproductive, but I think I needed a lazy week.  It's true, you really need to have a vacation from your vacation.  We got up early most days, walked a lot.  I figure we walked about 20 miles that week.  But this coming week I've really got to get back into my routine.  I guess I just need to blast some caffeine into my system the minute I wake up, otherwise I am useless in the morning.  Like yesterday, I sat in the recliner while Em played, but I was so tired so I had her snuggle with me while we watched a movie so I could doze.

I see on pinterest all the time these stay at home mom schedules, so I read one yesterday.  I was shocked at how rigid it was.  It was like 8-8:30, breakfast, 8:30-9 constructive play, 9-9:30 arts and crafts while mommy does laundry, 9:30-10 snack time......I mean, if it works for some people that's great.  But it is not for me.  I know routines are important and we have a loose routine, but seriously, that seemed like a schedule kids would have at daycare.  This isn't daycare.  I feel like that is part of the beauty of being a stay at home mom and your kids getting to be home with you.  They'll have to be told what to do and be on a schedule their entire life, why not let them just play and be kids for now?

I mean of course there are times where we do a planned thing, like painting, or going outside, or for a walk.  But Em plays so well on her own that I enjoy just letting her do what she wants to do.  And this woman only allowed like 30 minutes a day of screen time.  I know it's a hot issue and some parents don't allow it, and others like me do.  To each their own, but I just don't see the big deal.  I mean, I don't agree with using the TV as a babysitter, and once the weather is nice I will definitely get her outside more and when she is old enough to play outside by herself she will definitely be out there instead of sitting in front of the TV.

But I feel like by allowing her unlimited screen time, it doesn't make her want to watch it that much.  If you severely limit it, kids will want more of it.  But if she's allowed to watch whenever she wants, she won't really feel the need to.  Besides, there aren't that many shows that she really gives her undivided attention to anyway.  She likes Mickey's clubhouse, but she'll play while it's on and pay attention here and there.  Sophia and Doc McStuffins and Paw Patrol she pays attention to even less.  Bubble Guppies and Sheriff Callie she will stop what she is doing and watch the whole episode, but usually just the one.  If another one comes on she'll only somewhat pay attention.  And the shows are educational, I see her repeating stuff she learns from there.  It's not like cartoons of our childhood where Wiley Coyote was just trying to kill the roadrunner all the time and Bugs Bunny was always blowing people up with his acme dynamite (though I will admit, I miss those shows a bit).  I watched them and turned out fine.

I just remember as a kid, my mom stayed home with me, and I was also a good independent player.  We would do arts and crafts, she would take me to the library and we would bake together, but I recall a lot of the day just being free for me to play how I wanted, and I loved it.  Like I said, to each their own and I do need to be a bit better with being productive and having a routine, but a rigid schedule is definitely not for me.

So recently we started doing time outs with Emily.  We do spank when it is something either dangerous, or she is deliberately not listening or doing something bad, but for more every day lesser offences, I think time out is a good thing.  Yesterday Em was eating a bowl of olives and she took the bowl and dumped them all out on the floor.  I told her to pick them up several times but she was blatantly not listening.  We hadn't worked out a time-out spot and all that jazz yet, so I made her sit in her Minnie Mouse chair.  Though this was the first and last time.  She loves that chair so we don't want to turn it into the naughty chair (I just said that in my head with an english accent like super nanny).

I heard someone else does 30 second time outs with their almost two year old, so I figured that sounded good.  It took about 5 minutes and physically putting her back in the chair several times, but finally she sat there for the period.  When I let her up I told her that she was in time out for dumping her olives on the ground and I asked her to please pick them up.  She promptly sat down on the floor and picked up each and every olive and put them back in the bowl.  I thanked her and gave her a big hug and a kiss.  I was like holy shit, it worked!  It was like that feeling, where you always hear that something can work, and you think maybe it can but your doubtful because sometimes talking to a toddler is like talking to a wall.  But then it works and it's like yes, victory!

So today she kept grabbing an empty pop can and we told her no several times.  We took the cans from her and a few minutes later she went after the cans again.  We don't want her to have them since she's popped the tab off before and put them in her mouth, and she has cut herself on the can opening.  So I told her she would have to go in time out and my husband said to put her in the corner of the couch.  This was a great idea because our couch is L shaped, so it's very cushy so when I have to keep putting her back there, it's harder for her to get hurt.  She loves to run on the couch which she isn't supposed to do.  So if time out on the couch brings up some negative feelings about the couch, then that's not such a bad thing.

So again it took several tries of putting her back there before she would sit still for 30 seconds.  She kept getting up, or laying down and laughing, thinking it was a game.  But when she finally calmed down, she really looked like she knew she was being punished.  After 30 seconds I said she could get up and I told her why she was in time out and I gave her a hug and a kiss and she hugged me back.  It was amazing.  It was like win one for the parents!!

Missing mommy

My dad so graciously took my little bug today so I could spend the day painting the kitchen.  He even came and picked her up so I could get an earlier start.  The painting is done, almost.  I've only got one square spot above the window which I debated on skipping altogether, but decided it will bug me if I don't do it.  Em goes to her Nana's on Wednesdays so I will be able to finish up, and put the kitchen back together.  Then we just have to do the backsplash and the kitchen will be DONE!

The new tile floor was put in last winter, we got a new counter top, sink, and a few more cabinets last summer, and this painting job has been looming over me for a year now.  I so badly wanted to finish it before Em's birthday party last year, and here I am barely getting it done for her party this year.  I will be so happy to cross this project off my list.  Especially since I've had to look at two sections of new paint for a year now.

My dad had to make some angled boards to attach the baby gate to because the walls it screws into are different angles from each other.  Before he put the boards and gate up, he had me paint around it so the gate wouldn't need to come down when I eventually painted the room.  So I've had to look at two, 1 X 3 sections of cream colored paint, on my old white walls all this time.  It drove me nuts, I looked at those spots every day for a year and now they finally blend in with the rest of the wall!

So anyway, Em seemed a little unsure of leaving today.  I always drop her off at grandpa's so I don't think she knew what to make of him picking her up today.  Plus she was over there a lot longer than usual.  I guess when she fell and hurt herself earlier my dad was hugging and consoling her and she kept whining, mommy, mommy.  Awww, breaks my heart.  When I went to pick her up, she was extra happy to see me, and made me follow her into the kitchen where she kept pointing to a picture of me on the fridge and saying mommy.

Then when we were getting ready to leave, she got upset, I guess thinking I was leaving without her.  She does very well at both grandparents' houses, but it makes me feel good that she missed me.  She stood up on the couch and my dad told her to sit on her butt, and she started crying.  He didn't even yell, just told her no.  I was like awww honey, that's nothing.  Wait till your 17 and you go out with your boyfriend and he doesn't know where you are.  Now that's worth crying over, lol.  My dad worked midnight's when I was growing up, so I was used to pretty much being able to do whatever I wanted once he left for work, and my mom was in bed.  One night my dad was home, and my boyfriend came by so I told my dad I was going to sit in his truck with him in front of the house.  After a bit he wanted to drive around, so we did.  When my dad paged me at 2am, I knew I was in trouble for leaving.  We pulled up in front of the house and he was sitting on the porch with his arms crossed, looking pissed as hell.  I so did not want to get out of the car.  I didn't often get in trouble, and when I did my dad usually wasn't real mad, but this time he was mad!  Poor Em will get it from all angles, her overprotective daddy, two grandpas and an uncle!

  I hope it's not too hard on her to go to Nana's tomorrow and be away from me again.  But Nana missed her day last week because I had pink eye and I didn't want to go over there and infect anyone.  Luckily neither Emily or Ryan caught it.  I have never ever had pink eye before, I wonder where I picked it up from.  Weird.  But lately my eyelids have been super itchy and dry, and I wonder if it is from my make up, which is a different brand than I used to wear.  So maybe since I have been rubbing my eyes a lot more, I was more susceptible to the pink eye.  I wore eye make up the day before I got it, so it sucks that I have to toss it all.  But if that's what has been making my eyelids so itchy, I guess it is better to toss it and try a different brand.

I saw this on facebook today, I thought it was pretty funny and accurate:

I cannot stand the mommy wars and the nursing vs formula debate.  That's great if you were able to/want to nurse.  But don't make women who can't or chose not to feel bad, or act like you're superior for nursing your baby.  Because we all know, it won't be long before your wonderfully nourished with mother's milk baby starts eating cat food, boogers, crayons and God knows what off the floor.  Most kids, like mine, will not eat a lot of foods, especially healthy ones.  My kid hates meat.  If we try to sneak some chicken into her mac n cheese, her mouth can somehow filter through it, eat the noodles and spit out the chicken.  She lives on mac n cheese, go-gurt, and crackers.  Sure, it's great to give them that great start in life of breastmilk, but my mostly formula fed kid is doing just fine, she's happy, healthy, and smart and she's never even had so much as a cold (knock on wood).

I tried to nurse Em but I couldn't do it.  She would literally push me away.  But I also hate when women say, well it's one thing if a woman cannot nurse, but everyone should at least try.  Why?  Why should they?  I can understand if your baby was born sick, or was a preemie, it might be a good idea to give them that extra boost if you can.  But if your baby is perfectly healthy and you choose to formula feed, because you just don't want to nurse, I don't see why it is anyone's' business.  I don't want to bring up an abortion debate, but many many women who are pro-choice stick to the argument that it is the woman's body, therefore it is her choice what to do with it.  If so many people are ok with ending their pregnancy because it's their right to do with their body as they please, why is it suddenly not ok to choose not to nurse?  After all, it's my body.  Maybe I don't want a baby dangling off my boobs 24/7 for the next year.  Why is that even up for debate?  Why is what we do with our bodies no one else's business in one instance, but in another, you're condemned for choosing to keep your body to yourself ?  It's not like the baby is going to starve, formula is a perfectly acceptable alternative.

When Emily was born I definitely wanted to try nursing and I was dissapointed that it didn't work out.  I admit, I gave up pretty quickly, maybe I should have tried harder, but being a new mom was hard enough.  Besides, as it turns out she couldn't handle my milk anyway until she was about 6-8 months old.  I pumped for six months, and albeit it wasn't much, she did still get some breastmilk in addition to her formula bottles.  But her poor tummy was so upset and she cried all night due to gas for the first few weeks.  I tried to cut dairy out of my diet, but it was difficult.  I already wasn't eating much due to being so tired and busy with her, so to block out a huge food group was pretty hard.  I often forgot and ate dairy anyway, or ate something that I had no clue had dairy in it.  Graham crackers.  Did you know graham crackers has dairy in it???

But once I switched her to soy formula and started freezing all my pumped milk, her tummy troubles calmed right down.  So even if I had had success with getting her to latch, eventually I would have had to give up anyway because neither she nor I could go many more nights with no sleep and her crying and screaming all night long with gas pains.  But if we decide to have another....I don't know.  I may very well not even try to nurse.  I might change my mind and give it a shot.  Who knows, another baby might latch just fine, and have no tummy issues.  It would be nice to be able to just get up in the middle of the night and go nurse instead of making a bottle, and not have to wash bottles, and not buy formula, and not pump.  But, I have a lot of anxiety and worries about having another kid.  So if being a mom to a newborn and a toddler is really difficult for me at first and the idea of trying to nurse is causing me too much stress, I will have no problems with going straight to formula.

So speaking of another....I've lost a little of my baby fever.  I'm starting to waver a little.  But the thought that does still have me thinking of having another is, I won't regret having another, but I might regret not having another.  I mean sure, I can imagine almost every day when I am pregnant again, thinking and worrying if it was a good idea.  But once a new baby is here, I'll never say man, I wish I had stopped at Emily.  I was very indifferent to Emily's arrival for a lot of reasons, and she drives me crazy on a daily basis, but even during the worst tantrums and the least amount of sleep, I have never ever ever regretted my decision to have kids.

But....a magic kingdom baby isn't going to happen.  I thought maybe it would be fun to try and see what happens while we're there, but no.  Which kind of sucks because I finally got my period today after going off the pill at the end of December, so if my body decides to cooperate, I could very well ovulate while we're there in two weeks.  But I am just not ready.  I don't even think I am ready to try in March like we always talked about.  I really really want to get some weight off first.  I've been trying to lose for a long time, and I haven't done great this last week or so because I was sick last week and now this week our kitchen is torn apart, so we're getting take out.  But I did really well with my diet and exercise for a few weeks prior.  I finally feel like I have my drive back, the will to actually work hard to make it happen, vs just wishing I could snap my fingers and be skinny...though I admit, that would be soooo nice ;)

My overall goal will take a while, but if I could get pregnant once I've lost just half of my goal, I think that would be a good compromise.  It's not where I want to be, but it will be a lot less than what I weighed going into both my other pregnancies, and maybe that weight loss could be the difference in not being diabetic again.  So, we'll re-visit the topic in June-ish.

Playgroup

Em and I finally got to the playgroup at the library yesterday.  We've been trying to go for a month or two now....the first time I overslept, the second time they were already full.  It was fun, it was an hour and a half, when we first got there it was open play time.  I had to fill out some paperwork since it was our first time, and Emily was very clingy to me.  So then I went and played with her for a bit.  Then they had to clean up the toys for story time and to sing a song, and then it was open play again.  Toward the end they cleaned up their toys and then had a snack.

I guess this time was a little more laid back since the director had been home sick for a few days and hadn't been to her office to bring in more stuff, so I am anxious to see what a regular day at playgroup looks like.  Emily did pretty good, like I said she wouldn't venture far from me, but that doesn't surprise me since she is starting to go through a shy phase.  When we went to story time last summer, she left me and scooted off into the middle of the kids on the carpet.  I kept looking for her to look for me, but she never did.  She seemed very content.  This time if I even got out of her sight for a few seconds I could see her scanning the room for me.

I have to say though, made me feel loved.  I hope she isn't as shy and anxious as I was as a kid, but I don't think it is a bad thing if she is a little shy.  My MIL says her dad wasn't shy at all, which he said he was surprised to hear, because he is kind of shy now.  How odd....I grew out of my shyness and he grew into it.  She kind of barged in on another kid's time playing with something.  It's ok for them to come play with something another kid is using, but it needs to be something that there is more of.  This was that toy with the different size donuts that you put on the post.  Emily kind of took it over.  The other girl looked to be a little older so she kindly let Em play with it.  But I was proud of Em that she stacked all the rings on in the correct order.  She has that toy at home but I packed it up a while ago with all of her other baby toys, and when she played with it she could never stack them right.

A little boy about Em's age or a little younger tried to take what she was playing with later, which is kind of good.  She needs to see how it feels and hopefully learn not to do that to other kids.  Other than that she did pretty good, no pushing or hitting, no other toy stealing.  This group meets every other week, so I'll try to always take her.  I think it will do her a lot of good to maybe learn some sharing, learn to pick up her toys and put them away, and sit quietly for story time.

Most weeks there is always a shorter story time session, so I could take her for that too, or just to play in the kids' section in the library.  I cannot believe how much she changes week to week.  My MIL mentioned how she seems to be talking so much more, just from a week ago, and how they had conversations all day long when she had her.  She's been saying mommy and mama and dada a lot more, actually using it in context when she wants us, rather than just saying it for no reason.  Today when my husband got home from work, he got her up and changed her and brought her into bed with me.  As soon as they came in the room she exclaimed mommy!  Like she was soooo happy to see me.  That little buggar just melts my heart.

I of course didn't have my glasses on and she said glasses, glasses.  It dawned on me that I probably look pretty strange to her without glasses.  I've had them since the 7th grade, but I was embarrassed of them, so I only put them on to see the board and then took them off right away.  I didn't start wearing them for real until I was 21, and I got contacts when I was 25 or 26.  I go through stages with the contacts.  When I was working I wore them most days, and my glasses maybe one day a week.  But that was when I had a whole routine to get ready in the morning, so putting in my contacts was part of that.

Once Emily was born, I started wearing them all the time, something I never did before....as in, I didn't take them out at night.  I did it on accident one night, and the next morning I was like hmm, it's nice to wake up being able to see.  I was also so busy taking care of her, taking my contacts in and out became something I no longer cared to take the time to do, so I typically left them in for almost a week, and gave my eyes a rest for a day or two before putting them back in.  It was really nice to be able to get up with her in the middle of the night and not have to fumble for my glasses.

But then after a few months I gave myself a nasty eye ulcer.  My eye doctor told me not to wear them to bed, especially since they aren't really marketed for overnight wear.  She said even the ones that are really shouldn't be worn continuously.  It hurt really bad, the day I finally went to the eye doc I could barely keep my eye open.  And I ended up costing myself a lot of money because I just went, forgetting to get a referral from my family doctor first.

So ever since then I barely wear my contacts.  I don't see the point of putting them in at 2pm when I am finally getting ready for the day, and then taking them back out later that night.  Plus last year I got a really cute pair of frames that I like a lot, so I don't mind wearing them.  So anyway, all that to say, I don't really think of myself as a "person who wears glasses" since I never used to, and then I used to wear my contacts more often.  But Em probably doesn't remember those few months that I always wore contacts, so to her I probably look bizarre without my glasses on.  Just like my dad, my dad has always worn glasses and he looks weird to me without them.  He's also always had a mustache since I was born, so it would be very weird if he ever shaved it.  I'm 36 years old and I have never seen him in person without a mustache.

The other day when she was at her Nana's house, I got her closet cleaned out.  She had like 8 months work of out-grown clothes stuffed in a bag in there.  So I got them all sorted and put into totes and in the basement.  I also cleared some space to put her hamper in the closet.  For some reason when it is full, she likes to pull the dirty clothes out and into her crib.  I got tired of having to take all these clothes out of her crib every morning.  Her room is pretty small, and there was no place else to put her hamper.  I also need to clean out the top shelves of her closet.  I don't even know what all is up there.  I got her a stuffed animal hammock but I didn't get time to hang it.  She has a plastic chain behind her door with clips on it that hold her smaller animals, but she's getting so many, they're taking over the house.  So hopefully tomorrow I can get the hammock hung so we can get her friends up off the floor.  I'll have to tell people for her birthday, no more stuffed animals!

So the last week I have been following that news story about Noah Chamberlain, the little boy who got lost in the woods.  Every day I kept checking for updates, but as the days passed, I knew it wasn't good.  If the story was false and something else happened to him, then he was almost certainly dead, and if he really was lost in the woods all that time, with no food or water and only a sweater on cold nights, I knew it was doubtful he could survive more than a few days.  But my heart still sank when I read the headline today that they found his body.

He was two, and Em will be two in March.  It breaks my heart to think if that was Em, in the woods all by herself, scared, hungry, thirsty and cold, no idea where mommy and daddy are.  Reading about bad things happening to children has always been hard, but now that I am a mother and I can at least imagine what the parents were going through, it's so much harder.  Especially when the kids are close to Em's age.  I know bad things just happen, and they kind of have to or you would never be able to appreciate the good things in life, but I wish children were exempt from that.  I wish just by some law or miracle, that nothing bad could happen to kids.

Bubbas and nakedness

December 28th was supposed to be Emily's last bedtime bubba.  The next night I put her down without one, attempted to read her a story to take its place (that never goes well, she just wants to flip the pages and eventually throw it on the ground) and said goodnight.  She cried and fussed for a little while but eventually went to sleep.  Ok I thought, not bad.  We can do this.  I washed them all and sterilized them to pack them away.  

The next night was a different story.  I cracked like a little girl after 2.5 hours of crying and gave her a bubba.  Within a minute of finishing it, she was asleep.  Maybe I am super weak, maybe after a few more nights she would have been fine, but I also feel like they have to be ready, and I just don't think she is.  I know doctors say to give them up at a year, so we're already well passed that, but I've known plenty of kids who never gave up the bubba until well after their 2nd birthdays and probably later.

My favorite mantra is, no kid ever went off to college doing ______, so it won't matter if she doesn't give up the bubba until 2 or 2.5, she won't go to college (or kindergarten) still drinking a bubba.  Plus, we are leaving for Disney in four weeks.  I wouldn't keep her on them just for that, but since we're having troubles letting them go, why not take advantage and keep them around for Disney?  She can have one during take off and landing to help keep her ears from popping too much and it will help calm her for bed if she is overtired any (most) nights.  

So her latest thing has been taking off her clothes and diaper.  For a while now she usually didn't make it through the night without taking her pants off if she was wearing two piece jams, but stripping down to bare butt is new.  She was napping one day and I quickly glanced at the monitor and said whoa, I see a bare butt!  She was sleeping nicely so I figured it could wait until she woke up.  When she woke, I went in and she pointed out the poo poo on her sheets.  Thankfully it wasn't a horrible mess but still.  So I stripped off her top layer, and tossed her clothes and sheets in the wash.  

The next morning I had to strip off the final layer of bedding since she once again took her diaper off when she poo'd.  So that was the end of two piece jammies, which stinks cause she has a lot of them, and she's so cute in them.  But then again I think she would be cute wearing a garbage bag.  So the next night I put her in one piece jams, but when I went in the next morning, she was naked as the day she was born, jumping up and down in her crib and laughing and singing.  Oye.  I couldn't help but laugh though, she was having so much fun.  Luckily no poo today,but she did pee so into the wash the sheets went again.

By now I figured I needed to come up with something, I don't want to wash sheets every single day.  And was this a sign that she is ready for potty training?  I think it could be, but I don't think she is quite there yet.  She does quite well with understanding instructions, but she does not tell me or exhibit any major signs that she has to poop or pee before the fact.  She'll often grab her crotch and say poo poo when all she did was pee, or she'll say it when she has done nothing at all.  And when she is telling the truth, it's always after the fact.

I think she will potty train sooner rather than later, but I don't think we're quite ready yet.  I also think it is a horrible idea to potty train right before a major vacation.  I am nervous enough about flying with a toddler for the first time, let along having to think about taking her to potty several times on the plane, and spending most of the days looking for bathrooms at the park.  And even if she does catch on fast, there is too good of a chance that being away from home and off her normal routine would cause her to regress, thus having to start all over when we get home anyway.

I also think she just likes to be naked or partially clothed and it's something new she has discovered she can do, so she does it.  So I thought, these zip up jammies only had the zipper, no button tab over the top.  Maybe she won't be able to figure those out.  It worked for a few nights, but lately she has been walking around the house with her jammies half unzipped like a 70's male porn star, showing off her chest.  So nooooowwww  we're doing a onesie under her clothes and jammies.  So far that has worked.  If it stops working, we'll resort to backward jammies.

The other thing is she has been making several attempts to climb out of her crib.  So far she has only done it when I am tucking her in and she is protesting bedtime.  I let her try, because I want to see if she can succeed.  So far she cannot get her leg up high enough to climb over.  But I think it won't be long before she will be determined enough to figure out how.  I really hope that doesn't happen for a long time, because I am not ready for her to be unrestrained in her bedroom.  We requested cribs for our hotel stays in Disney, but learning from our last stay in a hotel, we are also taking a kiddie air mattress just in case we cannot get a crib.  For whatever reason I thought it was a good idea to test it out the other day.  Why I am not sure, because if we have no crib, the air mattress is our only option so it really doesn't matter if she does ok on it now or not.

So I tucked her in on it like usual, said goodnight and shut the door.  I was able to move the camera to see her on the floor.  Once she finished her bubba she was up playing for 45 minutes.  I gave up, and tried to put her down in her crib but she wasn't having that, so she didn't get her nap that day.  So let's hope our hotels all have a crib available.  For one, so we can all have a good night's sleep, and two, so that the front desk employees don't have to face the wrath of my MIL.  I love her to death and she is an amazing, kind, loving person....but don't cross anyone she loves.  Her name is Donna, and there is a reason my husband always called her The Don growing up :)  Or....maybe I do want to see her unleash on someone, it could be entertaining.

Speaking of Em's camera, she kept unplugging it for a while.  It was plugged in right next to her crib so she could easily kick it or just unplug it.  So we got a hook and strung it across the wall, plugged it into a power strip and plugged that into an outlet on the other wall, problem solved.  Except it wasn't, because my child is always thinking, always plotting ways to get into mischief, so now she was sitting at the end of her crib, pulling the power strip up by the camera cord and either unplugging it or turning off the power strip.

The last couple mornings the monitor would beep, telling me she had unplugged it and it lost signal.  This morning I sleepily turned the monitor off and accidentally went back to sleep.  I woke up two hours later, completely confused and worried.  Where was my husband?  Is Em ok?  Is she crying for me and I can't hear her?  I walked out of our room, my husband was asleep on the couch, and I walked in Em's room and she was asleep too.  She must have gave up at a certain point and just went back to sleep.  Whew, all was ok.  But that was a weird, scary feeling to wake up to.

I figured I would have to move the camera, which I didn't want to do so I played around with the cord first.  I unhooked it from the hook we previously used to get it out of her reach, put the power strip up on a shelf, and hooked the cord around her monkey wall art.  So now the cord is well out of her reach, stretches across her crib up high and is looped around the money and then the cord goes down the wall behind the nightstand.  It looks incredibly bad, but it's out of her reach, I don't have to lose signal on the monitor anymore and I didn't have to do the annoying task of moving the camera.  Works for me.  It's funny, before the baby is born, you decorate the nursery and make it just perfect.  When they're babies, it still looks really nice.  

But now that she is mobile, her stuffed animals are strewn about, the glider cushions have stains on it, her clothes for the day often get tossed on the ottoman until I feel like putting them away and her room needs a good vacuuming.  So of course, the ugly camera cord is the least of my worries.  Why don't they make the camera cordless like the monitor is?  I wouldn't want to climb up and plug the camera in each day to charge it, but surely they could make a battery that lasts a while, right?  It hasn't been quite two years since we bought it, who knows, maybe it is obsolete now and they do make cordless cameras.  If so I'm getting one for the next baby, cause I am sure I won't be ready to stop spying on Em yet to use that camera/monitor.

Yesterday I took Em sledding with my brother and sister in law.  It was her first time, I think she had a really good time.  She seemed a little unsure on the way down the hill, but never cried, and always laughed and smiled on the way back up the hill.  It was a nice day for it too, cold enough for the snow, but warm enough that we weren't frozen.  We walked to the hill, it was a fairly short walk so my brother pulled her in her little sled both ways.  On the way there I stopped and picked up a two person sled so someone could always ride with her on the hill.  We each took turns riding down with her, it was fun for us too.  I hadn't been sledding in years.

Funny story, there is a nice sledding hill not far from our house too, and I always drove by it on my way home from work.  One day when I was pregnant with Em, I was on my way home early because I had had a doctor appointment.  I saw the hill looked great and there weren't many people on it, and I thought ooooh, I want to go sledding, maybe Ryan will want to go.  Then I thought wait a minute, I'm 8 months pregnant, I can't go sledding.  I have no idea why I thought I could go....it's not like I go often.  I was probably in my teens the last time I went.

Emmy didn't get a nap yesterday either, so between that and being out in the fresh cold air, she was zonked afterward.  I knew it was probably a bad idea to go out to dinner with them after sledding, but I hate cooking and I love to go out to eat, and she doesn't get to see them all the time, so I figured why not.  She had been in the highchair for about 5 minutes when she started looking glassy eyed and then she put her head on the table.  A second later she looked up, and held out her arms to me.  I picked her up and I swear she was asleep before her head reached my shoulder.  Luckily I ordered a salad so I was able to hold her while she slept through the whole meal as I ate.  It was tough though, 25 pounds on one arm, and she was a warm little thing.  And she wouldn't let me just set her on my lap and lean against me, I had to hold her up off my lap in my arm.  I loved the snuggles though, she doesn't snuggle with me much anymore.

Speaking of snuggles, she woke me up much earlier than usual one day last week, around 6:30.  My dad and stepmom came over that day to go have lunch and take Em to the park, so we were sitting with my dad, waiting for my stepmom to get there and within a few minutes Emily climbed in my lap and fell asleep.  When my stepmom came in, she took her from me because Em was all awkward and didn't look comfy, but she woke up and wanted mommy and not Grammy.  But then daddy walked in the room, she yelled daddy and went running to him with open arms.  He picked her up and she laid her head on his shoulder for a good 5 minutes.  It was so sweet.  She loves her daddy of course, but she had never really shown THAT much excitement to see him (or anyone really) before.  I wished I could have gotten that on camera.

So Em is really good at saying mama and dada now.  She's said both for like a year now, and in the last several months said it in the correct context, but it's like in the last month, she finally connected all the dots, and really made the connection that me, and mama is the same thing.  She'll say it now to get my attention rather than just saying it just because, or she'll say it with a smile when she is happy to see me.  My husband works for a big university, so he often wears shirts and hates with the logo, so whenever she sees the logo on anything, she points to it and says dada.  She's also starting calling me mommy too.  I love them both, but mommy really melts my heart.

An open letter to labor and delivery nurses

I read a blog post earlier today from a L&D nurse and it moved me to tears.  I will never forget the nurses that cared for me during both my daughter's stillbirth and my other daughter's live birth.  I wrote them thank you cards and participated in the thank a nurse program at my hospital, but I thought I would write something for every L&D nurse out there, just to express my gratitude.



Dear Labor & Delivery nurses,

In a black and white world, you are a virtual stranger, just another person in the workforce, getting paid to do their job.  But for me and so many other moms and loss moms, you're angels in disguise.  The world may think you just take vitals, administer medicine, and inform doctors of their patients' status, but we know better.  You held my hand when I was shaking from pain and fear while the epidural was put in, you likely knew the grim news, but you offered me reassurance when I couldn't handle the truth, you talked to me like a human being, like I was the most important person on the earth in that moment, as if you hadn't said those same words to hundreds of other laboring mothers.  You encouraged me while I pushed, and told me I was doing great when I felt like I had no clue what I was doing.  You did the job nobody would want to do, a sponge bath, because you knew in my darkest moment, even the act of being cleaned up and dry would give me some comfort.

You treated my angel with such care you would think she was made of glass.  You encouraged me to take pictures, because they would be the first and last time I would see my sweet girl.  You didn't blink an eye when I asked if my daughter could be with us overnight, and you comforted me when you found me holding her and crying early the next morning.  You promptly came to my room to turn off whatever it was in myy IV that was beeping, so I could get back to sleep, even though you probably had a million other things to do.  You showed my brother to a private room where he could grieve when you found him crying in the hall.  You showed me pictures of your six living children, and shared your own story of multiple losses to give me hope that good things can and do happen.

You called after I was home to see how I was doing.  You listened to me cry, and didn't try to fix me.  You asked my daughter's name, and asked about her funeral services.  Your heart ached for me when I heard a baby's heartbeat in another room when I came in for my post-natal appointment.

During my labor of our living daughter, you understood my tears rolling down my face, and my fears when others would think I should be overjoyed.  You understood the physical pain I was in, even though you couldn't feel it yourself.  You assured me you would be with me in the OR, because I was scared and I needed a friendly face on my side of the curtain.  You offered humor with your badge holder that said, labor and delivery nurse, at your cervix! and kindly scratched my nose for me when my arms were strapped down during my Csection.  You warmed me up when I was so cold I was trembling.  You celebrated our little girl with us, because you knew our first born was in Heaven.  Even though you weren't the same nurse that took care of me and my angel, I know you were celebrating with us, because the day or week before you were mourning the loss of someone else's angel.

Given how you cared for us and comforted us, it is evident that we are not just a job for you, that starts and ends at a certain time.  I know we, and our angels and babies stay on your minds.  But please know, your hard work and love of your job stays on our minds too.  You didn't just do your job for us because you get paid, it is obvious that you put all of your heart and soul into your job, and I could not be more thankful for you.  Whenever I think of the devastating yet magical day I met my first daughter, and the amazing day I met my second daughter, I think of my wonderful nurses too and it never ceases to amaze me how loving and caring they are to total strangers, most of which they will never see again, and how much their job isn't just a job to them.

******


The same can also be said about my doctors and OB nurses.  They are all just wonderful, to the point where I would never consider going anywhere else.  We sent our OB and RE pictures of Emily every Christmas, and my RE always sends a nice letter in return.  This year she wished us a Merry Christmas, and she said her holiday season had been made much better when she received Emily's picture and how much she enjoys getting to see the pictures of the families she helps create  :)





 

Another year

I woke up this morning feeling ok.  It hadn't quite dawned on me yet that it's NYE.  Despite having a good year, and looking forward to another good year, NYE has always been a little sad for me.  It always seems that no matter how good the year was, there is something I am letting go of that I don't want to.  Even though in reality, tomorrow is just another day, in my mind a big heavy concrete door comes crashing down, closing off the end of the year from future time.  If I lost something two months ago, it feels even more significant to leave it behind and move on to the new year.

My friend posted an old facebook update, the NYE before she lost her baby, which would be just a month before we lost Kayla.  There is just something so heartbreaking about reading something from the past, that was so full of joy and hope, and knowing that it didn't turn out that way.  Three years ago I was pregnant with Kayla, looking forward to the year turning to 2013, the year I would finally have my baby and become a mom.  I'm so brokenhearted for mine and her past self, because we were all smiles, when little did we know, what awaited us.

Two years ago I posted a quote that said something like, as we start the new year, I shouldn't look at it as more time since I've seen you, but coming closer to the time when I will see you again.  I like that quote, but it's easier said than done.  It's been 2 years, 9 months, and 5 days since I last held Kayla.  I hope to be on this earth for another 40-45 years or so.  That's a long time to wait to see her again, so it definitely does feel like we're moving further and further from her, instead of toward her.  And thinking of seeing her again just tears my heart in two, because seeing my angel in heaven means leaving my angel on earth.

I wondered if I was alone in my mixed feelings of today.  Was I the only weird one who felt the weight of that huge door crashing down on 2015, and putting another year between me and my baby?  So I scoured pinterest and Still Standing magazine, but couldn't find any quotes that worked.  Then I read a post from Angela Miller, and as always, she did not dissapoint.  I changed the sex of the baby to fit my life, but here is her poem, which perfectly reflects how I feel about the new year.

A new year
used to be
hope for a chance
to make all that was wrong,
right.

But what is
a new year
when none of the wrongness
of losing you
can be made right?
. . .
What is new about a year
when the one thing
I wish to change,
the one thing
I’d give my life
to change,
cannot be changed,
or undone,
no matter how
many New Year’s resolutions
are thrown its way?
. . .
I cannot say
‘Happy New Year’
anymore.
It is simply one more
painful reminder
that I could do without,
one more slap in the face,
that it’s been another
three hundred and sixty five days
of “living” without you.

Another year
of trying to survive
the endless minutes,
hours,
days,
months,
years,
without you.

Another year
of battling the heartless
cliches thrown my way.

Another year
of listening
to people’s bullshit
about “time healing all wounds,”
and “God needing another angel
so he picked you”–
. . .
Another year
of people ignoring
your very existence
on this earth,

Another year
of learning how to be
the best parent,
the best mother,
to you,
my oldest daughter
who never grows older.
. . .
Yes, a new year is
another blank book
of pioneering–
of still mothering you,
my dead child,
the best way I know how.
. . .

E's second Christmas

Christmas was nice, but not exactly what I was expecting.  Em wasn't really herself for a few days, I think she was pretty tired and overwhelmed by everything.  I was thinking she would be really into opening her presents, but after the first couple she kind of couldn't care less.  She likes her toys, but she went from her old toys, to boom, like 50 new toys in two days.

Ok, not that many, but that's what my living room looks like.  I am normally very happy to leave our tree up until at least New Year's Day and sometimes even later.  But Em is going to her aunt's house for the day on Wednesday, so if I get time, I might send it packing.  I am anxious to get the tree out so I can rearrange our furniture and see if I can make more room for her stuff.  Ha, I remember when all her toys fit in a little basket.  

I got her all dressed up on Christmas eve, the standard little girl christmas dress, white tights and black dressy shoes.  She was so adorable, but she never stood still long enough to really get a good picture.  She and I met my dad for church.  At first she just sat there, looking around, but once the music and singing started, so did the tears.  It seemed to scare her/make her sad.  Her lower lip jutted out and then came the tears.  She cried a few times off and on, but I held her for the entire service so she was mostly ok.  Just had no idea what was going on.

She hadn't been to church since last Christmas, and before that her Baptism.  I'd like to start going more regular, but my husband isn't such a fan.  But I do want her to grow up in the church, so by the time she is ready for Sunday school, he better be too.  Christmas eve we went to my brother's, Christmas morning we had our own little Christmas and then in the afternoon we went to my inlaws.  Em got a lot of great presents....lots of clothes and jammies, that elephant that blows the balls out of his trunk, a Sheriff Callie doll that talks and sings, a big hugs Elmo, lots of books, a wooden train set, some bath toys, and a beautiful Minnie Mouse dress she can wear to meet Minnie when we go to Disney.

Tonight was officially her last bubba.  Tomorrow I am washing them all and packing them away.  It made me really sad, tucking her in and seeing her drinking her last one.  I think it's going to be way harder on me.  It's like the line between being a baby and a big girl.  My baby isn't a baby anymore.  But it's looong overdue, she should have ditched them around one year.  I think if we have another I will aim for one year, but 15 months at the latest.  I'm praying bedtime goes ok without it.  I know she'll do good with her naps since she's already taken several naps without one, but bedtime is my biggest worry.

Luckily she is kind of out of sight out of mind with her stuff.  She weaned herself off her paci when she was like 10 months old.  If she finds one in her toy box she'll pop it in and walk around with it for a bit, but otherwise she doesn't really care.  Since she was old enough to start sleeping with a stuffed animal, she sleeps with Kayla Bear.  In the last few months she has started reaching through the bars and pulls her out in the mornings to carry her around the house, and sometimes brings her with us when we go places.  I was worried about her becoming like a wubbie and she has to have her all the time.  But she probably only brings her like 5% of the time, and she is usually fine without her.

Today she threw her between the wall and the changing table right before nap, and I didn't feel like fishing her out, so she slept with her little Minnie doll.  She went to sleep just fine.  So she likes things that bring her comfort, but she is fine without them too.  So I think once bubbas dissapear, she won't ask for one.  She gets excited when she sees one, but she never asks for one.  So yeah, delaying the bubba departure this long was definitely for my benefit, not hers.

Tonight she woke up crying an hour after I put her down, so I went in and tried to rock her but she just wanted to play.  Daddy was in the living room eating a late dinner and we had Despicable Me on TV, so I let her get up and play until the movie ended.  I just love to sit and watch her, running around the house in her little footy jams, hearing her diaper crackle as she moves.  Seeing her hair start to curl up at the bottoms.....ugh, I wish I could just freeze time and keep her this age forever.  She's still snuggly and oh so cute, but she's somewhat independent too.  The perfect age.

But then again, I've been saying "this is my favorite stage so far" for the last 648 days of her life, so more than likely, whatever age she is, will be my favorite age.