19. GRIEF RITUALS | Creating rituals in grief do wonders for healing your heart. Do you have any grief rituals? Maybe something you do on special dates like birthdays or anniversaries? How do these rituals help you?
We have several. When Emily was born, I ordered Christmas stockings for all of us and had our names put on them, including one for Kayla. When I am buying gifts, we also buy her a new stuffed animal to put at her grave. We put it in her stocking, and then in the spring we take it to her grave. When fall comes, we "retire" it from the grave (and give it to Emily). Side story about that....I actually ordered three the Christmas I was pregnant with Emily; for me, Ryan, and Kayla. But I was too nervous to order Emily's until she was here. I couldn't decide what to put on ours, our names, or mom and dad. So I polled one of the boards I posted on, on The Bump asking which we should go with. I explained that I was ordering one for our angel, but that I was too scared and superstitious to order one for Emily yet. Most people gave me good opinions, but this one girl responded snarkily with "why are you ok with putting mom and dad on them, but not ok with ordering her stocking yet". I responded back with, "Uh, because I am already a mom to my angel, and even if God forbid something happened to Emily, I would still be her mom", She never responded to that, but I hope she felt really stupid for her comment.
We also take whatever dollar amount of money we would have spent on her Christmas presents and make a donation to St. Jude. I always fill out a card when I make the donation and it gets mailed to us, saying that this donation has been made in Kayla's memory. I ALWAYS cry when the card comes. It makes me feel good that despite our pain, we are doing our small part to help other children, and hopefully prevent some other parents from experiencing a horrific loss.
On her birthday, we go to the cemetery and do a balloon release, even last year when it was pouring rain. It obviously wasn't a big production, we just got out of the car, and let them go, and also got completely drenched, but it was her birthday and I simply would not accept doing it any other day. On her first birthday, we were headed to her grave, and that section of the cemetery has only one road to get to that entire area, and the cemetery crew had this big hose going across the road, pumping water out of some of the flooded areas since we had had a lot of rainfall that spring.
You cannot drive over the hose when it is running, so any time a car needed to go down that road they had to shut the hose down. I am normally a very accommodating person, perhaps too accommodating and I don't like to inconvenience people and or be what I fear is being rude. So my husband was like I guess we'll have to come back another day when he saw them pumping the water. I said nope, it's our baby's birthday, her FIRST birthday. They're getting paid to sit there and run that hose, and it is during business hours, so we're going.
After the cemetery we usually get a cake and/or go out to dinner or something special. We keep meaning to "adopt a grave" which is where you find a grave that looks like no one visits very often, clean it up, trim the grass around it, and leave flowers. But with her birthday being on March 24th, it's often still quite chilly and/or snowy so we've yet to do it. Her due date would have been July 26th, maybe this year we'll start the adopt a grave tradition to do on that day every year.
Since I was a little kid, I dreamed of one day being married and having a family. I would write birth announcements for my fictional children, I would make silly cards on the computer and sign them with my make-believe husband (usually whoever I liked at the time) and childrens' names. So when I was pregnant with Kayla, I was so excited to finally be able to send out a Christmas card with my real family's names on them....Love Ryan, Amy, and Kayla. But, we didn't get to do that, among other things. Once Emily arrived, I was not brave enough to write all of our names including Kayla's....I know I shouldn't care what people think, but it seems so weird to write Kayla's name, but it feels so wrong not to.
So I do neither, I just write "the insert last name here". It makes me sad, because I would love to write everyone's names, but I just cannot bear to leave Kayla off. The first year sending out cards after Emily was born, I had our last name printed on the front, and wrote Love Ryan, Amy, and Emily on the back, but the second I mailed them I felt terrible and I won't ever do that again. Kayla is a part of our family and I cannot stand to not write her name, as if she never existed.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Capture your grief, day 18
18. HEALING THERAPIES | Have you discovered any healing therapies in your life after loss? Please share what has helped you.
Blogging has been huge for me. Being able to write down what I am feeling, thinking, pondering, stressing over, or just writing my baby's name for the whole world to see has helped me immensely through out this whole thing, as well as the infertility/TTC journey which was the reason I started this blog. It has now morphed into a parenting/parenting after a loss blog.
I do not share this blog with people I know. I suppose it is possible that someone I know reads this, it's not exactly private or hidden, but I don't advertise it to anyone (except on the TTC/parenting site I post on) and I do not direct anyone here. It also does not appear to show on anything people I know would look at, so I am guessing most of my readers are strangers or people from the above mentioned site. I've thought about sharing it with friends and family, but I think that would cause me to censor what I say too much. I try not to talk about any particular people in here, and if I do I try to keep it all in a good light (though I must admit, I do think I have been upset and posted my frustration about a few people before, but hopefully if they DO somehow know about this blog and have read it, they can understand that I was just getting my pain and frustration out).
But posting on a public blog can be both good and bad. On the good side, posting it for others to read helps with my healing. I feel like I am being heard, I feel like people are listening, and it is therapeutic. I have kept a private journal for years, but sometimes it just helps to write where others will see it, and may even be helped by what I am saying and feeling.
On the other hand, like I said, I think if I knew everyone I know could be reading this, it would cause me to edit what I really want to say, either because I feel like I am whining too much, or maybe so I don't sound like a horrible person when I am very honest about my feelings. I think censoring myself because I know my readers would greatly take away from the beneficial elements of blogging.
Talking to others about my loss, who have been through one themselves, has also been very healing for me. Knowing I am not alone, knowing that others felt this way or that way, hearing my very thoughts come out of someone else's mouth is just very reassuring and, I guess in some ways makes me feel like my feelings and thoughts are ok....I guess they should be anyway, as I firmly believe one's feelings are never wrong (though actions are a different story) but still, it helps to hear someone else say "I feel......" and for it to be the same way I feel or have felt.
Oddly enough, Pinterest has also helped me. I have a board of quotes, and many of them are quotes about infant loss, stillbirth, and just missing someone who has passed. I think one of the best things one can do to heal, is to feel the grief, and mourn. At the memorial last week, the leader of the Tear's Foundation was saying how everyone grieves when they experience a loss, but not everyone mourns. To mourn, you are actively doing things that helps you deal with your loss, rather than pushing it away and forcing yourself to move forward. I think my husband does this, and really most men in general. Sometimes when I am really missing Kayla, or need a good cry, or even when I am just bored, I'll browse Pinterest for quotes I like, or even just re-read the ones I have already pinned. It can be painful sometimes because it's like ripping off the band-air and exposing the wound, but I think it is also helpful in the long run. It takes me back to the moments in the hospital, and in the days, weeks, months and years since. It makes me really feel my emotions about her, and sometimes it results in a good cry and then I feel better afterward.
Blogging has been huge for me. Being able to write down what I am feeling, thinking, pondering, stressing over, or just writing my baby's name for the whole world to see has helped me immensely through out this whole thing, as well as the infertility/TTC journey which was the reason I started this blog. It has now morphed into a parenting/parenting after a loss blog.
I do not share this blog with people I know. I suppose it is possible that someone I know reads this, it's not exactly private or hidden, but I don't advertise it to anyone (except on the TTC/parenting site I post on) and I do not direct anyone here. It also does not appear to show on anything people I know would look at, so I am guessing most of my readers are strangers or people from the above mentioned site. I've thought about sharing it with friends and family, but I think that would cause me to censor what I say too much. I try not to talk about any particular people in here, and if I do I try to keep it all in a good light (though I must admit, I do think I have been upset and posted my frustration about a few people before, but hopefully if they DO somehow know about this blog and have read it, they can understand that I was just getting my pain and frustration out).
But posting on a public blog can be both good and bad. On the good side, posting it for others to read helps with my healing. I feel like I am being heard, I feel like people are listening, and it is therapeutic. I have kept a private journal for years, but sometimes it just helps to write where others will see it, and may even be helped by what I am saying and feeling.
On the other hand, like I said, I think if I knew everyone I know could be reading this, it would cause me to edit what I really want to say, either because I feel like I am whining too much, or maybe so I don't sound like a horrible person when I am very honest about my feelings. I think censoring myself because I know my readers would greatly take away from the beneficial elements of blogging.
Talking to others about my loss, who have been through one themselves, has also been very healing for me. Knowing I am not alone, knowing that others felt this way or that way, hearing my very thoughts come out of someone else's mouth is just very reassuring and, I guess in some ways makes me feel like my feelings and thoughts are ok....I guess they should be anyway, as I firmly believe one's feelings are never wrong (though actions are a different story) but still, it helps to hear someone else say "I feel......" and for it to be the same way I feel or have felt.
Oddly enough, Pinterest has also helped me. I have a board of quotes, and many of them are quotes about infant loss, stillbirth, and just missing someone who has passed. I think one of the best things one can do to heal, is to feel the grief, and mourn. At the memorial last week, the leader of the Tear's Foundation was saying how everyone grieves when they experience a loss, but not everyone mourns. To mourn, you are actively doing things that helps you deal with your loss, rather than pushing it away and forcing yourself to move forward. I think my husband does this, and really most men in general. Sometimes when I am really missing Kayla, or need a good cry, or even when I am just bored, I'll browse Pinterest for quotes I like, or even just re-read the ones I have already pinned. It can be painful sometimes because it's like ripping off the band-air and exposing the wound, but I think it is also helpful in the long run. It takes me back to the moments in the hospital, and in the days, weeks, months and years since. It makes me really feel my emotions about her, and sometimes it results in a good cry and then I feel better afterward.
Monday, October 17, 2016
Capture your grief, day 17
17. SACRED SPACE| Do you have a special place that you visit to be with your children? A place that you feel connected to? Maybe it is their grave, or a beautiful garden, beach or forest. Maybe it is a special spot dedicated to them in your home, like a shrine or altar. What does this place mean to you? Why that place?
I know some people are not, they do not feel a connection, but I am definitely a "cemetery person". With my mom, my grandparents and now Kayla, going to visit their grave, taking them flowers, bringing little decorations like spinners, or cute things for holidays always makes me feel close to them. I remember when my mom was first buried, the mound of dirt over her grave freaked me out. I didn't know they did that (had never really visited anyone's grave before that and definitely not fresh graves). It creeped me, it felt like her body was in that mound. But then one day I went after about a month or two and the mound was gone. And THAT made me sad. I had grown accustomed to it, and it felt like there was a physical presence of her and it was now gone.
But, I eventually grew used to that as well. Kayla's grave didn't have the mound since it was such a small grave and it isn't very deep. I've had several issues with her cemetery, but the immediate area around her grave is very beautiful. She's near a nice big tree, and just about ten yards away are the mausoleums sponsored by the hospital she was born at, so I feel a comforted with her being surrounded by other kids, in a special place just for the smallest angels. We very rarely come across anyone else when we go, so we have a lot of privacy and peace. Though I know others go because the graves are all decorated as well.
That first week after she was buried we probably went almost every day. Gradually we started going less, but still a few times a month. Now we just go when we need to feel close to her. Usually once a month, sometimes more, sometimes less. We always try to make it out on special holidays like mothers and fathers day, near Christmas, and of course her birthday, we always do a balloon release. It's literally a 5 minute drive from our house, so I love that I can just go whenever I need to. And now that Emily has a general idea that she has a sister and that we go there to visit her, I like to take her. She even asks to go if we drive nearby. Like last week, we were going to the grocery store and we had to drive by the cemetery and Emily said "Keya"! I asked, do you want to go see Keya and she said yeah.
I don't know how Emily will feel about her sister as she gets older...if she will feel sad about it, or just accept it since she never got to meet her....but I like that we're so close to the cemetery that she could walk or ride her bike there anytime she wants to go, if she decided she likes spending time there alone.
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I have to write about some accomplishments that I've noticed in Emily lately. It's really fun to see how much she changes over such a short period of time. I've written about how she gets up on the big potty by herself now, I just have to unlock the lid, but I am thinking about just taking that off. We'll see. But just a couple months ago I always had to help her get her pants and underwear down, and now she does it all by herself. Even if she has a diaper on like she just woke up from nap, she can get that off too.
She can mostly dress herself, she has a little troubles with shirts, she often tries putting her arms through the head hole, and she has troubles getting them off. But she can put her socks and shoes on, her pants and underwear and some jackets. Tonight I took her downstairs with me while I walked on the treadmill. When we went back upstairs, she counted each step, 1-10 as we went up. Well, she missed #4, but still I think that's really good for a 2.5 year old. Now if I could just get her potty trained at night, and get her to go potty on commercial toilets. Over the weekend I must have taken her to the potty 6-8 times while we were out and about and she'd sit there for a few seconds and then cry and want to get off, even though I was holding her.
I think partly, she says she has to potty when she is bored, or in a situation she doesn't like. But I think part of it is also the big potties scare her. I have that little travel seat, but I haven't been carrying the diaper bag lately, and I am loving the freedom of not bringing it with me every where (I do keep it in the car) and her seat doesn't fit in my little purse. So I guess I need to get a slightly bigger purse to fit her seat, but not so big that I am tempted to stuff it with things and make it into another diaper bag.
I know some people are not, they do not feel a connection, but I am definitely a "cemetery person". With my mom, my grandparents and now Kayla, going to visit their grave, taking them flowers, bringing little decorations like spinners, or cute things for holidays always makes me feel close to them. I remember when my mom was first buried, the mound of dirt over her grave freaked me out. I didn't know they did that (had never really visited anyone's grave before that and definitely not fresh graves). It creeped me, it felt like her body was in that mound. But then one day I went after about a month or two and the mound was gone. And THAT made me sad. I had grown accustomed to it, and it felt like there was a physical presence of her and it was now gone.
But, I eventually grew used to that as well. Kayla's grave didn't have the mound since it was such a small grave and it isn't very deep. I've had several issues with her cemetery, but the immediate area around her grave is very beautiful. She's near a nice big tree, and just about ten yards away are the mausoleums sponsored by the hospital she was born at, so I feel a comforted with her being surrounded by other kids, in a special place just for the smallest angels. We very rarely come across anyone else when we go, so we have a lot of privacy and peace. Though I know others go because the graves are all decorated as well.
That first week after she was buried we probably went almost every day. Gradually we started going less, but still a few times a month. Now we just go when we need to feel close to her. Usually once a month, sometimes more, sometimes less. We always try to make it out on special holidays like mothers and fathers day, near Christmas, and of course her birthday, we always do a balloon release. It's literally a 5 minute drive from our house, so I love that I can just go whenever I need to. And now that Emily has a general idea that she has a sister and that we go there to visit her, I like to take her. She even asks to go if we drive nearby. Like last week, we were going to the grocery store and we had to drive by the cemetery and Emily said "Keya"! I asked, do you want to go see Keya and she said yeah.
I don't know how Emily will feel about her sister as she gets older...if she will feel sad about it, or just accept it since she never got to meet her....but I like that we're so close to the cemetery that she could walk or ride her bike there anytime she wants to go, if she decided she likes spending time there alone.
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I have to write about some accomplishments that I've noticed in Emily lately. It's really fun to see how much she changes over such a short period of time. I've written about how she gets up on the big potty by herself now, I just have to unlock the lid, but I am thinking about just taking that off. We'll see. But just a couple months ago I always had to help her get her pants and underwear down, and now she does it all by herself. Even if she has a diaper on like she just woke up from nap, she can get that off too.
She can mostly dress herself, she has a little troubles with shirts, she often tries putting her arms through the head hole, and she has troubles getting them off. But she can put her socks and shoes on, her pants and underwear and some jackets. Tonight I took her downstairs with me while I walked on the treadmill. When we went back upstairs, she counted each step, 1-10 as we went up. Well, she missed #4, but still I think that's really good for a 2.5 year old. Now if I could just get her potty trained at night, and get her to go potty on commercial toilets. Over the weekend I must have taken her to the potty 6-8 times while we were out and about and she'd sit there for a few seconds and then cry and want to get off, even though I was holding her.
I think partly, she says she has to potty when she is bored, or in a situation she doesn't like. But I think part of it is also the big potties scare her. I have that little travel seat, but I haven't been carrying the diaper bag lately, and I am loving the freedom of not bringing it with me every where (I do keep it in the car) and her seat doesn't fit in my little purse. So I guess I need to get a slightly bigger purse to fit her seat, but not so big that I am tempted to stuff it with things and make it into another diaper bag.
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Capture your grief, day 16
16. FULL MOON RETREAT | We are now half way through our Capture Your Grief experience so I wanted to take some time to retreat a little and give everyone some rest from all the thoughts and feels. This evening there is going to be a beautiful full moon rising. Google the time that it rises in your city and take some quiet time out to watch it. Share a photo of the moon rising in your part of the world and make sure you share where you watch it from. Today take regular moments out to stop what you are doing and turn your attention to your breathing. Place one hand over your belly and the other over your heart. Close your eyes, breathe deeply as you feel your own heartbeat. I will be hosting a live guided meditation on facebook and everyone is welcome to join in. I will post the time of the meditation closer to the day.
I just now read tonight's topic, so I didn't get a chance to get out and see the moon. But oddly enough I did take a picture of it last night, because my husband came home and told me how beautiful the moon looked. So here is the picture I took.
I just now read tonight's topic, so I didn't get a chance to get out and see the moon. But oddly enough I did take a picture of it last night, because my husband came home and told me how beautiful the moon looked. So here is the picture I took.
Capture your grief, day 15
15. WAVE OF LIGHT | October 15th Wave of Light is a very significant day of remembrance and awareness of our community calendar. At 7pm you are invited to light a candle to honour and remember all of the babies and children who have died. If everyone does this, there will be a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Share your candles and children with the world.
This year October 15th was especially meaningful for us. The Tears Foundation, which is the organization that we walk with every September in Kayla's name and raise money for to help families lay their babies to rest, partnered with a local funeral home not far from where we live to build a monument for lost babies. The monument was debuted last October 15th I believe, and families have the option to have their babies' name(s) added to the monument. My in laws were so kind to offer to pay to have Kayla's name added. So yesterday we attended a brief ceremony in honor of October 15th, and then got to see the monument for the first time, and see Kayla's name.
We met them for lunch first, and then went to the ceremony. It was very nice, the leader of the Michigan chapter for Tears said some words, a man sang a song that he wrote for his child, they read the names of the babies on the monument and as your child's name was called you could go up and take a rose and put it in a vase and look at your child's name, and then they ended the ceremony with a couple singing A Thousand Years (which I love and always kind of deemed to be Emily's song, since we waited so long for her) and they released a dove. It was very nice.
Afterwards we went back up to take pictures, and they had crayons and paper there to etch your baby's name off the monument. The monument is very beautiful and I am excited to go back on a day when there is no one there to just reflect. I think it's also a wonderful thing for parents who maybe don't have a place to visit their children's graves.
Here are a few pictures of the monument, and our candles that we lit last night for Kayla and for all the babies gone too soon.
This year October 15th was especially meaningful for us. The Tears Foundation, which is the organization that we walk with every September in Kayla's name and raise money for to help families lay their babies to rest, partnered with a local funeral home not far from where we live to build a monument for lost babies. The monument was debuted last October 15th I believe, and families have the option to have their babies' name(s) added to the monument. My in laws were so kind to offer to pay to have Kayla's name added. So yesterday we attended a brief ceremony in honor of October 15th, and then got to see the monument for the first time, and see Kayla's name.
We met them for lunch first, and then went to the ceremony. It was very nice, the leader of the Michigan chapter for Tears said some words, a man sang a song that he wrote for his child, they read the names of the babies on the monument and as your child's name was called you could go up and take a rose and put it in a vase and look at your child's name, and then they ended the ceremony with a couple singing A Thousand Years (which I love and always kind of deemed to be Emily's song, since we waited so long for her) and they released a dove. It was very nice.
Afterwards we went back up to take pictures, and they had crayons and paper there to etch your baby's name off the monument. The monument is very beautiful and I am excited to go back on a day when there is no one there to just reflect. I think it's also a wonderful thing for parents who maybe don't have a place to visit their children's graves.
Here are a few pictures of the monument, and our candles that we lit last night for Kayla and for all the babies gone too soon.
Capture your grief, day 14
14. BELIEFS + SPIRITUALITY | Has the death of your child strengthened or changed your beliefs? Share as much or as little as you like. Please be respectful to the beliefs of others today. We are all in this together and our differences are what make this project so beautifully interesting. Choose kindness.
In the days, months and even years after we lost Kayla, I struggled a lot with my spiritual beliefs. I would definitely say I have always been more spiritual than religious. I am not sure if my thinking fits in with the proper definitions, but to me that means having my set of beliefs, and a personal relationship with God, but I am not really a big fan of going to church, or of what many in the "church crowd" believe.
I do hope to go to church again soon so that Emily can grow up in the church. I do think it is important to have a foundation of learning about religion, God, and the Bible. I truly believe that society's' straying away from church has led to a harsher world, less caring people, and more hateful acts. But I guess I view church like I do school. You don't always attend school for your entire life, so I don't believe you need to attend church all your life either.
I believe it is important to learn and form yourself as a caring and kind person, but after the frame work has been laid, I don't put much stock into going to church each and every Sunday forever. I have no understanding nor tolerance of people who go to church religiously (no pun intended) but spend the rest of their week being backstabbing, mean, hateful people. I also do not understand using religion to hate others. I may not be passionate about all causes and groups, I may not march with them, I may not change my facebook profile picture to support them, I may not always understand them or agree with them, but I do not believe my opinion or stance on any subject gives me the green late to hate anyone. I think religion and morals and spirituality should be summed up as, just be nice to people, dammit. You can respect one another, without liking each other. You can be kind, without agreeing. One of my favorite quotes goes something like this (yes it's one of my favorites but I don't know it verbatim), do not hate others just because they sin differently from you. So, just as an example....people who hate gays because they believe it is against God and the Bible. Ok, but did you have pre-marital sex? Do you use God's name in vain? Do you sometimes think bad things about people? have you cheated on your spouse? Have you lied? Have you ever done something morally wrong and/or illegal? Nobody is perfect, nobody is without sin, so just because their sin is different from yours, doesn't make you better than them.
So, that's a little background on my religious beliefs. I am not big on going to church, frankly I think it is boring. I do really enjoy the sermon, but I cannot stand the sit down, stand up, sing a song, go up for communion, say a prayer that you recite by memory every single week (I personally prefer "conversations with God" rather than prayers that someone else wrote and we just memorize) and all that jazz. I also do not believe in God's will, and the notion that God is the puppet master and we are all his puppets and everything that happens in the world is because he chooses it to.
I don't believe that I got in a car accident because it was God's will, I don't believe this person was cured of cancer because it was God's will. I don't believe He sits up there all day, saying "you're going to die today, you're going to "live" but be brain dead, you're going to ace that test, you're going to rob that store and get away with it, your cancer is going to go into remission", etc. I believe things happen, good or bad, and God is there to help us through those things. We have free will, sometimes things happen because of the choices we make or don't make, and sometimes things just happen that is beyond ours or anybody's control.
When Kayla died, lots of people gave me the "it was God's will, it was God's plan, everything happens for a reason" crap. A. it didn't make me feel ANY better, and B. I didn't believe it. It just didn't make sense. I was, and still am content believing that things just happen, and that God doesn't cause suffering, or choose people to make happy or devastate. But after she died, I began to question, what was God for? What was His purpose? If He couldn't control anything, and if he couldn't help anything, what good does He do? Maybe it is a contradiction, because I do pray....but then I thought, why do I pray? I don't really believe that God will hear your prayer and say oh ok, since you prayed for it, here you go. And things do happen all the time whether they are prayed for or not, so why do we pray?
I had an appointment with the minister at my church to talk to her about these things, but at the last minute I chickened out and canceled. I talked to my dad, and he gave me a good perspective on things. He and I have a very similar view point of things, and our talk made me feel a lot better. He basically compared God to a good parent. He created us, he loves us, but he cannot control things for us. He has to sit back and let us make our own choices, good or bad, thus, free will. He didn't make Kayla die, and he couldn't have saved her, but He saw my grief and he grieved with me. It's like the poem Footprints in the sand. When you are at your most low, and you feel like you're all alone, He cannot make your problems go away, but He will be by your side, and He will carry you when you cannot walk on your own. I believe he allows us to feel His love and we gain strength from Him. Now THAT makes me feel comforted. To know that He wept with us when Kayla died, and that he held her in His arms and comforted her.
In the days, months and even years after we lost Kayla, I struggled a lot with my spiritual beliefs. I would definitely say I have always been more spiritual than religious. I am not sure if my thinking fits in with the proper definitions, but to me that means having my set of beliefs, and a personal relationship with God, but I am not really a big fan of going to church, or of what many in the "church crowd" believe.
I do hope to go to church again soon so that Emily can grow up in the church. I do think it is important to have a foundation of learning about religion, God, and the Bible. I truly believe that society's' straying away from church has led to a harsher world, less caring people, and more hateful acts. But I guess I view church like I do school. You don't always attend school for your entire life, so I don't believe you need to attend church all your life either.
I believe it is important to learn and form yourself as a caring and kind person, but after the frame work has been laid, I don't put much stock into going to church each and every Sunday forever. I have no understanding nor tolerance of people who go to church religiously (no pun intended) but spend the rest of their week being backstabbing, mean, hateful people. I also do not understand using religion to hate others. I may not be passionate about all causes and groups, I may not march with them, I may not change my facebook profile picture to support them, I may not always understand them or agree with them, but I do not believe my opinion or stance on any subject gives me the green late to hate anyone. I think religion and morals and spirituality should be summed up as, just be nice to people, dammit. You can respect one another, without liking each other. You can be kind, without agreeing. One of my favorite quotes goes something like this (yes it's one of my favorites but I don't know it verbatim), do not hate others just because they sin differently from you. So, just as an example....people who hate gays because they believe it is against God and the Bible. Ok, but did you have pre-marital sex? Do you use God's name in vain? Do you sometimes think bad things about people? have you cheated on your spouse? Have you lied? Have you ever done something morally wrong and/or illegal? Nobody is perfect, nobody is without sin, so just because their sin is different from yours, doesn't make you better than them.
So, that's a little background on my religious beliefs. I am not big on going to church, frankly I think it is boring. I do really enjoy the sermon, but I cannot stand the sit down, stand up, sing a song, go up for communion, say a prayer that you recite by memory every single week (I personally prefer "conversations with God" rather than prayers that someone else wrote and we just memorize) and all that jazz. I also do not believe in God's will, and the notion that God is the puppet master and we are all his puppets and everything that happens in the world is because he chooses it to.
I don't believe that I got in a car accident because it was God's will, I don't believe this person was cured of cancer because it was God's will. I don't believe He sits up there all day, saying "you're going to die today, you're going to "live" but be brain dead, you're going to ace that test, you're going to rob that store and get away with it, your cancer is going to go into remission", etc. I believe things happen, good or bad, and God is there to help us through those things. We have free will, sometimes things happen because of the choices we make or don't make, and sometimes things just happen that is beyond ours or anybody's control.
When Kayla died, lots of people gave me the "it was God's will, it was God's plan, everything happens for a reason" crap. A. it didn't make me feel ANY better, and B. I didn't believe it. It just didn't make sense. I was, and still am content believing that things just happen, and that God doesn't cause suffering, or choose people to make happy or devastate. But after she died, I began to question, what was God for? What was His purpose? If He couldn't control anything, and if he couldn't help anything, what good does He do? Maybe it is a contradiction, because I do pray....but then I thought, why do I pray? I don't really believe that God will hear your prayer and say oh ok, since you prayed for it, here you go. And things do happen all the time whether they are prayed for or not, so why do we pray?
I had an appointment with the minister at my church to talk to her about these things, but at the last minute I chickened out and canceled. I talked to my dad, and he gave me a good perspective on things. He and I have a very similar view point of things, and our talk made me feel a lot better. He basically compared God to a good parent. He created us, he loves us, but he cannot control things for us. He has to sit back and let us make our own choices, good or bad, thus, free will. He didn't make Kayla die, and he couldn't have saved her, but He saw my grief and he grieved with me. It's like the poem Footprints in the sand. When you are at your most low, and you feel like you're all alone, He cannot make your problems go away, but He will be by your side, and He will carry you when you cannot walk on your own. I believe he allows us to feel His love and we gain strength from Him. Now THAT makes me feel comforted. To know that He wept with us when Kayla died, and that he held her in His arms and comforted her.
Friday, October 14, 2016
Capture your grief, day 13
13. DEAR WORLD | What is on your heart that you want the world to know about your kind of grief? This is your day to choose your own topic. Some topic ideas are pregnancy or infertility after loss. Anxiety or PTSD. Forgiveness. Trust. What is it that you want to talk about?
I guess it would be, that we are not jealous, or bitter, or hateful. We do not hate you because your baby didn't die. We don't expect the world to tip toe around us, and we don't think we're the only ones to ever go through some sort of tragedy. But we do have strong emotions, and they sometimes involve you and your family.
When you announce your pregnancy, we are happy for you. We are! We never want to hear about somebody going through what we went through. When I hear of another woman, often times a stranger, that just experienced a loss, I don't think to myself, good! Let some bad things happen to other people. I am not happy about it, and I have spent many nights crying over a complete stranger's loss. You've probably heard that loss moms should be treated gently when a friend or family member announces their pregnancy. Tell them in private if you can, especially if you are a close relative or friend. Even better, tell them in writing or social media. It sounds all kinds of backwards, but we need to be told in a way that we can react how we naturally react, and not have to feel bad about not reacting happily to your news. We need to be able to cry, or be angry, or be sad in private.
We don't expect the whole world to tip toe around us, but it is a courtesy that we very much appreciate. It's simple, if you know of our pain, be kind if you can. We don't expect you to not be happy about your good news, we don't expect you to never have kids because we lost ours. But we would just appreciate it a lot if you could take our feelings into consideration. I think people get upset about having to be gentle around loss moms, because they think that we think we're special, or somehow better than other people and deserve special treatment. But trust me, being different for this reason is something NO loss mom wants. I would give up any and all attention, I would gladly revoke my membership in the loss moms club if I could have my daughter back. So please, instead of being annoyed, be compassionate, and be thankful that you don't have to know how we feel.
On that same topic, is fake pregnancy announcements. It's never happened to me personally....I've seen friends comment on a post of someone they know who did it, or I read about a celebrity doing it. But thankfully I've never had a friend or family member do this. But again, we don't dislike them because we want the world to cradle us, and we are not uptight because we cannot take a joke. I'm sure most loss moms have a great sense of humor, but there are just some things that are not funny, and this is one of them. The reason they are so hurtful is because as a loss mom, we dread real announcements all the time. I've had to unfollow many friends, family, and co-workers because I couldn't handle seeing their happy posts about their growing unborn child. Again, not because I am not happy for them, but because it makes me sad for myself, and it is just a huge reminder that they have something I desperately want, and couldn't have. Even now that I have Emily, real announcements are still hard to handle. Why? Because it is a reminder that there is yet another person who (presumably) didn't have to suffer to get their joy. No, we don't always know what goes on behind closed doors, but when someone makes a pregnancy announcements just months after their wedding, it's probably a safe bet they didn't suffer from infertility, and hopefully not from loss (though they could have, I realize this).
So given how difficult it is for us to hear about real announcements, a fake one puts us through that same pain, except it is fake, so there was no need to do it. We know real announcements are going to happen so we deal with them as best we can, but fake ones serve no purpose, and are not needed. It's like I tell my husband....years ago I lived in this second story apartment, but it was an abnormally high second story. So my dad bought me a safety rope ladder that could be hooked to the window so you can climb down. When my now-husband saw it, he wanted to use it to climb out the window. I said no, it's not safe, you could get hurt. He said if it wasn't safe, they wouldn't sell it. I said, but if you are climbing out of a window during a fire, and you fall and break your leg, it sucks that your leg is broken, but you're alive. If you climb out when there isn't a fire, and you fall and break your leg, then you're just an idiot with a broken leg. If we have to endure painful pregnancy announcements, we at least want it to be real, where people are so happy to be adding to their family. Please don't add to our pain for a bad joke. Loss parents aside, it's really not even a funny joke. If you announce a fake pregnancy and someone is upset about the idea of you being pregnant, you'll make them mad for no reason. If they're really excited that you're pregnant, then you just dangled happiness in front of them, only to yank it away. So, it's just a bad idea all around.
I also want the world to know that we are not drama queens looking for attention. I have a friend on facebook...I don't actually know her in person, but a mutual friend of ours introduced us after she also lost her baby, just a few weeks gestation further along than Kayla was. They just marked the first year since their daughter was born sleeping, and with this being October, and October 15th coming up (National infant and pregnancy loss awareness day) she posts a lot of quotes about child loss. I don't know if anyone has said anything to her, but I would suspect there are at least a couple people in her life that probably roll their eyes when they see them, and think "again, another one". People who think she is posting them for attention, or so people think "poor her". But that's not it. We don't want attention, we don't want people to feel sorry for us. We just want to keep our children's memory alive. We want to acknowledge our lost children.
As a parent of a living child, I love to tell stories about Emily. I love to post her pictures of her doing something cute, and so my friends and family can see her growing up. I love to brag when she has done something new, or commiserate with my mom friends when she is being bad. But I don't get to post things like that for both of my children. I don't get to give people updates about Kayla. I don't get to broadcast cute pictures....hell, I don't even get to post any picture of her because I am so scared that someone will say something hurtful or inappropriate because as a whole, the world doesn't want to see pictures of dead babies with bruising all over their face. But most of all, I don't want to not acknowledge my daughter, I don't want to pretend like I only have one. Maybe to other people, they do know I experienced a loss, but they might think I am "over" the worst of the pain and I am happy with Emily. But in our family, in my heart, I have two daughters. Death does not make Kayla any less a part of my family than Emily is. Em is even getting to the age where she knows who Kayla is. She doesn't quite understand I am sure, but when we go to the cemetery she knows we're there to see Keya, she knows when I read her the book "my baby big sister" that it's explaining to her what happened to her baby big sister. She knows the blanket and pillow in the shadow box on her wall belonged to Keya. I don't have one daughter, I don't have any only child, I have two girls. And posting quotes about her and her loss is the only thing I and other loss moms get to do regarding their lost children. No one thinks parents of living children are being drama queens, or not "getting over" how amazing their kids are. So we'd like to be understood. We're not seeking attention, we're just bragging about our kids too.
I guess it would be, that we are not jealous, or bitter, or hateful. We do not hate you because your baby didn't die. We don't expect the world to tip toe around us, and we don't think we're the only ones to ever go through some sort of tragedy. But we do have strong emotions, and they sometimes involve you and your family.
When you announce your pregnancy, we are happy for you. We are! We never want to hear about somebody going through what we went through. When I hear of another woman, often times a stranger, that just experienced a loss, I don't think to myself, good! Let some bad things happen to other people. I am not happy about it, and I have spent many nights crying over a complete stranger's loss. You've probably heard that loss moms should be treated gently when a friend or family member announces their pregnancy. Tell them in private if you can, especially if you are a close relative or friend. Even better, tell them in writing or social media. It sounds all kinds of backwards, but we need to be told in a way that we can react how we naturally react, and not have to feel bad about not reacting happily to your news. We need to be able to cry, or be angry, or be sad in private.
We don't expect the whole world to tip toe around us, but it is a courtesy that we very much appreciate. It's simple, if you know of our pain, be kind if you can. We don't expect you to not be happy about your good news, we don't expect you to never have kids because we lost ours. But we would just appreciate it a lot if you could take our feelings into consideration. I think people get upset about having to be gentle around loss moms, because they think that we think we're special, or somehow better than other people and deserve special treatment. But trust me, being different for this reason is something NO loss mom wants. I would give up any and all attention, I would gladly revoke my membership in the loss moms club if I could have my daughter back. So please, instead of being annoyed, be compassionate, and be thankful that you don't have to know how we feel.
On that same topic, is fake pregnancy announcements. It's never happened to me personally....I've seen friends comment on a post of someone they know who did it, or I read about a celebrity doing it. But thankfully I've never had a friend or family member do this. But again, we don't dislike them because we want the world to cradle us, and we are not uptight because we cannot take a joke. I'm sure most loss moms have a great sense of humor, but there are just some things that are not funny, and this is one of them. The reason they are so hurtful is because as a loss mom, we dread real announcements all the time. I've had to unfollow many friends, family, and co-workers because I couldn't handle seeing their happy posts about their growing unborn child. Again, not because I am not happy for them, but because it makes me sad for myself, and it is just a huge reminder that they have something I desperately want, and couldn't have. Even now that I have Emily, real announcements are still hard to handle. Why? Because it is a reminder that there is yet another person who (presumably) didn't have to suffer to get their joy. No, we don't always know what goes on behind closed doors, but when someone makes a pregnancy announcements just months after their wedding, it's probably a safe bet they didn't suffer from infertility, and hopefully not from loss (though they could have, I realize this).
So given how difficult it is for us to hear about real announcements, a fake one puts us through that same pain, except it is fake, so there was no need to do it. We know real announcements are going to happen so we deal with them as best we can, but fake ones serve no purpose, and are not needed. It's like I tell my husband....years ago I lived in this second story apartment, but it was an abnormally high second story. So my dad bought me a safety rope ladder that could be hooked to the window so you can climb down. When my now-husband saw it, he wanted to use it to climb out the window. I said no, it's not safe, you could get hurt. He said if it wasn't safe, they wouldn't sell it. I said, but if you are climbing out of a window during a fire, and you fall and break your leg, it sucks that your leg is broken, but you're alive. If you climb out when there isn't a fire, and you fall and break your leg, then you're just an idiot with a broken leg. If we have to endure painful pregnancy announcements, we at least want it to be real, where people are so happy to be adding to their family. Please don't add to our pain for a bad joke. Loss parents aside, it's really not even a funny joke. If you announce a fake pregnancy and someone is upset about the idea of you being pregnant, you'll make them mad for no reason. If they're really excited that you're pregnant, then you just dangled happiness in front of them, only to yank it away. So, it's just a bad idea all around.
I also want the world to know that we are not drama queens looking for attention. I have a friend on facebook...I don't actually know her in person, but a mutual friend of ours introduced us after she also lost her baby, just a few weeks gestation further along than Kayla was. They just marked the first year since their daughter was born sleeping, and with this being October, and October 15th coming up (National infant and pregnancy loss awareness day) she posts a lot of quotes about child loss. I don't know if anyone has said anything to her, but I would suspect there are at least a couple people in her life that probably roll their eyes when they see them, and think "again, another one". People who think she is posting them for attention, or so people think "poor her". But that's not it. We don't want attention, we don't want people to feel sorry for us. We just want to keep our children's memory alive. We want to acknowledge our lost children.
As a parent of a living child, I love to tell stories about Emily. I love to post her pictures of her doing something cute, and so my friends and family can see her growing up. I love to brag when she has done something new, or commiserate with my mom friends when she is being bad. But I don't get to post things like that for both of my children. I don't get to give people updates about Kayla. I don't get to broadcast cute pictures....hell, I don't even get to post any picture of her because I am so scared that someone will say something hurtful or inappropriate because as a whole, the world doesn't want to see pictures of dead babies with bruising all over their face. But most of all, I don't want to not acknowledge my daughter, I don't want to pretend like I only have one. Maybe to other people, they do know I experienced a loss, but they might think I am "over" the worst of the pain and I am happy with Emily. But in our family, in my heart, I have two daughters. Death does not make Kayla any less a part of my family than Emily is. Em is even getting to the age where she knows who Kayla is. She doesn't quite understand I am sure, but when we go to the cemetery she knows we're there to see Keya, she knows when I read her the book "my baby big sister" that it's explaining to her what happened to her baby big sister. She knows the blanket and pillow in the shadow box on her wall belonged to Keya. I don't have one daughter, I don't have any only child, I have two girls. And posting quotes about her and her loss is the only thing I and other loss moms get to do regarding their lost children. No one thinks parents of living children are being drama queens, or not "getting over" how amazing their kids are. So we'd like to be understood. We're not seeking attention, we're just bragging about our kids too.
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