14. BELIEFS + SPIRITUALITY | Has the death of your child strengthened or changed your beliefs? Share as much or as little as you like. Please be respectful to the beliefs of others today. We are all in this together and our differences are what make this project so beautifully interesting. Choose kindness.
In the days, months and even years after we lost Kayla, I struggled a lot with my spiritual beliefs. I would definitely say I have always been more spiritual than religious. I am not sure if my thinking fits in with the proper definitions, but to me that means having my set of beliefs, and a personal relationship with God, but I am not really a big fan of going to church, or of what many in the "church crowd" believe.
I do hope to go to church again soon so that Emily can grow up in the church. I do think it is important to have a foundation of learning about religion, God, and the Bible. I truly believe that society's' straying away from church has led to a harsher world, less caring people, and more hateful acts. But I guess I view church like I do school. You don't always attend school for your entire life, so I don't believe you need to attend church all your life either.
I believe it is important to learn and form yourself as a caring and kind person, but after the frame work has been laid, I don't put much stock into going to church each and every Sunday forever. I have no understanding nor tolerance of people who go to church religiously (no pun intended) but spend the rest of their week being backstabbing, mean, hateful people. I also do not understand using religion to hate others. I may not be passionate about all causes and groups, I may not march with them, I may not change my facebook profile picture to support them, I may not always understand them or agree with them, but I do not believe my opinion or stance on any subject gives me the green late to hate anyone. I think religion and morals and spirituality should be summed up as, just be nice to people, dammit. You can respect one another, without liking each other. You can be kind, without agreeing. One of my favorite quotes goes something like this (yes it's one of my favorites but I don't know it verbatim), do not hate others just because they sin differently from you. So, just as an example....people who hate gays because they believe it is against God and the Bible. Ok, but did you have pre-marital sex? Do you use God's name in vain? Do you sometimes think bad things about people? have you cheated on your spouse? Have you lied? Have you ever done something morally wrong and/or illegal? Nobody is perfect, nobody is without sin, so just because their sin is different from yours, doesn't make you better than them.
So, that's a little background on my religious beliefs. I am not big on going to church, frankly I think it is boring. I do really enjoy the sermon, but I cannot stand the sit down, stand up, sing a song, go up for communion, say a prayer that you recite by memory every single week (I personally prefer "conversations with God" rather than prayers that someone else wrote and we just memorize) and all that jazz. I also do not believe in God's will, and the notion that God is the puppet master and we are all his puppets and everything that happens in the world is because he chooses it to.
I don't believe that I got in a car accident because it was God's will, I don't believe this person was cured of cancer because it was God's will. I don't believe He sits up there all day, saying "you're going to die today, you're going to "live" but be brain dead, you're going to ace that test, you're going to rob that store and get away with it, your cancer is going to go into remission", etc. I believe things happen, good or bad, and God is there to help us through those things. We have free will, sometimes things happen because of the choices we make or don't make, and sometimes things just happen that is beyond ours or anybody's control.
When Kayla died, lots of people gave me the "it was God's will, it was God's plan, everything happens for a reason" crap. A. it didn't make me feel ANY better, and B. I didn't believe it. It just didn't make sense. I was, and still am content believing that things just happen, and that God doesn't cause suffering, or choose people to make happy or devastate. But after she died, I began to question, what was God for? What was His purpose? If He couldn't control anything, and if he couldn't help anything, what good does He do? Maybe it is a contradiction, because I do pray....but then I thought, why do I pray? I don't really believe that God will hear your prayer and say oh ok, since you prayed for it, here you go. And things do happen all the time whether they are prayed for or not, so why do we pray?
I had an appointment with the minister at my church to talk to her about these things, but at the last minute I chickened out and canceled. I talked to my dad, and he gave me a good perspective on things. He and I have a very similar view point of things, and our talk made me feel a lot better. He basically compared God to a good parent. He created us, he loves us, but he cannot control things for us. He has to sit back and let us make our own choices, good or bad, thus, free will. He didn't make Kayla die, and he couldn't have saved her, but He saw my grief and he grieved with me. It's like the poem Footprints in the sand. When you are at your most low, and you feel like you're all alone, He cannot make your problems go away, but He will be by your side, and He will carry you when you cannot walk on your own. I believe he allows us to feel His love and we gain strength from Him. Now THAT makes me feel comforted. To know that He wept with us when Kayla died, and that he held her in His arms and comforted her.
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