21. RELATIONSHIPS | How have your relationships changed? Did you lose any? Have you made new friendships?
Amazingly I did not lose any, I've actually gained some, and my current relationships actually got stronger, which I know all of the above is not common during any kind of tragedy. I know, I lost a few friends when my mom died. They either didn't know what to say to me and just dissapeared out of my life, or they gave me shitty advice and then acted like nothing happened.
But I think part of that had to do with the fact that I was 9 years older when I lost Kayla. I had fewer, but better, stronger friendships. My friends were people who were not going anywhere, and were there for me just like I knew they would be. I made new friends who had been through the same or similar losses. My one friend and I, we were online pregnancy buddies. We went through very similar early miscarriages, dealt with the same infertility struggle and at the same time sought treatment from an RE, and then got pregnant within two weeks of each other.
About a month before I lost Kayla, she lost her sweet baby...she had a feeling something wasn't right and went in for an ultrasound. Her worst fears were confirmed and she was told there was no heartbeat. Understandably, our friendship was put on hold because it was just too painful for her to hear about my then healthy pregnancy that was going well, especially once we too found out we were having a girl. After Kayla was born, she was one of the first people I messaged to share our devastating news, and we were once again going through very similar losses. I sometimes wonder if we were brought into each other's lives because of what we would go through, and to pick each other up, or to just listen to the other when we were at our lowest.
A couple months later, she got pregnant with her rainbow almost exactly one week before I found out I was pregnant with mine. It was so amazing to get to go through another pregnancy together....I was her rock on her hard days, and she was mine. We knew what each other was fearing and scared of, and we understood each other's small, but to us, huge victories like our betas doubling on time, and hearing the heartbeat, and getting past our early to mid second tri loss dates. Her rainbow was born March 11th, and mine came one week and one day later on March 19th. Though we've never met in person, I consider her to be one of my very close friends and I am not sure how I would have gotten through any of the past 4 years without her. We watch each others rainbows grow on facebook, ask each other mom questions, and remember each other's angels. She has since gone on to sadly have another early loss, and then got pregnant with her second rainbow, who was born this past summer. I was sad to not be pregnant again with her this time, but that just meant I was always emotionally able to help her on her hard days and she has always been supportive about my indecision, and then finally my decision to not try for any more kids.
I also became friends with a girl I went to high school with. We didn't really hang out in the same circles back then, but when I saw her at the one and only pregnancy loss support group I went to, we have since kept in touch via facebook. I hate that other people have gone and will continue to go through what we did, but it helps to not feel so alone, and it was nice to see a familiar face at that support group when I was so nervous about going and talk about such a painful thing. It's nice to know that I'm surrounded by others that know what I go through. I was also put in touch with another girl by a mutual acquaintance who lost her baby girl a year ago. It had been long enough since my loss that I was able to offer the support and guidance that others so kindly offered to me in the beginning. I hate that people constantly have to become a new member of this group, but I am so happy when they can find others who know what they've been through, and have come out the other side and are proof that one day, you will laugh, smile, and breath again without being in such constant pain.
The best relationship of all though is that with my husband. The death of a child, the worst loss two people could ever go through, so often tears them apart. It's such a hard loss to navigate and prepare for, nobody wants to think of this ever happening. Grandparents and parents, while we want them to live forever, we do know that they will eventually pass on. We always hope it is later rather than sooner, but when it does happen, it is at least the natural order of life. But no one ever expects to lose a child, or wants to think about the possibility of losing them. So when it happens, it's just inconceivable and it's so hard to deal with for yourself, let along trying to also be there for your spouse who is hurting just the same.
Next week we will be celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary, and we've been together for 9.5 years. Things haven't always been easy, we've had our ups and downs like any couple and lately we're finding ourselves on a path that has been difficult to navigate. But my husband was my rock when Kayla died. He was there for me, he held me up when I couldn't stand on my own, he supported me, held me while I cried, and never left my side. In a time when we should have been struggling to keep things together, we were stronger than ever, and I give him all the credit. A couple years ago, I went to the cemetery to visit her grave, and her stuffed animal was all wet and muddy and I just lost it. I sat in my car next to her grave and just cried my eyes out for about half an hour. Her teddy bear shouldn't have been sitting outside in the rain at a cemetery, it should have been clean and dry in her crib, with her. I hated that buying stuff for her grave was all I got to buy her. I finally calmed down and drove home, but when I walked in the door and saw my husband, I burst into tears again and fell into his arms. Marriage is hard, and not every day is good...some days it seems like a lot of days aren't good, but I will never forget how much he was there for me during that time, and he is the only other person on this planet that knows exactly how I feel about Kayla..
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