12. LEMONS + LEMONADE | Have you made anything positive come from this unimaginable loss? Did you find any blessings among all the sadness and sorrow?
This is a really tough one, because in many deaths, you can find some silver lining, and you can find something that puts you at peace with it sometimes. In the case of when my mom died, it had been two years since I had spoken to my best friend. We had had a falling out, not really over anything bad between us, but her boyfriend at the time was very controlling and abusive. He made it his job to do everything he could to make our friendship difficult because without the support of her best friend, it was unlikely she would stand up to him or leave him. The final straw was when she and I got an apartment together (our first time moving out of our parents' homes). She wasn't really ready to move out, and with him making things so hard all the time, she ended up moving back home and our friendship died.
I suppose some would say good riddance if she chose an abusive boyfriend over a true friend, but honestly, I think it is all just proof of how much we meant to one another. After not being ready to be on her own, when I was and so excited by it, I think she felt she had let me down. Her boyfriend was also such a jerk to me, and was a jerk to her because of me...she knew I would always be there for her, but she let his threats scare her into doing whatever he said because she knew he probably wouldn't be there for her if she chose me. Maybe she didn't know it at the time, but I feel by her bowing out of our friendship at that time, it saved us in the long run, because had we stayed friends, I think it was a possibility that he would have done so much damage that our friendship would have slowly declined to the point where it was irreparable. I was never mad at her. I was sad, and dissapointed that things didn't work out like we envisioned them, and I missed my friend like crazy, but I never ever felt any ill will toward her.
Two years later when my mom died, I expressed to my ex-boyfriend how I wish I could call and tell her because I didn't want her to find out through the church our families occasionally attended. But I was too scared to call her, after all that time, and about such an emotionally difficult subject. So he offered to call her for me and tell her. I didn't really have any expectations, I didn't not want to be friends again, but my main objective was for her to know. After he called her, she called me that night and we talked for hours. She came to the visitation and the funeral, and the minute she walked in she gave me a hug that neither one of us pulled away from for several minutes. Our friendship was rekindled from that moment on and it has never been stronger. Last month we celebrated our 25th year of being friends. I like to think that even if my mom hadn't died, we would have found our way back to each other. But what if we hadn't? I missed her so much, and to have her back in a time when I needed her the most was a blessing.
The same can be said of my grandparents. My grandma was always the healthy one, barely ever went to the doctor, didn't have any long term illnesses and she was sharp as a tack. My grandpa had had everything imaginable happen to him; heart attacks, diabetes, had to have EMS called for low sugar many times and was once very close to slipping into a diabetic coma. He even had, and overcame West Nile! So when he was in the hospital for a few months, his longest stint yet, and wasn't getting much better, we were all beyond shocked when we got the news that my grandma had died.
I was so sad, mad, angry....not that I wanted my grandpa to die, but he would finally be out of the pain he had been in for many years. When my mom died, my grandpa was gutted. Not that my grandma wasn't devastated, but my grandpa wore his heart on his sleeve. She was his little girl, and he had to bury her. His physical pain aside, we knew his death would also mean his emotional pain would be over, and he'd be able to see his daughter again. We had been emotionally preparing for his death for a long time, especially then while he had been in the hospital for so long. I knew that if for some crazy reason my grandma were to die before him, it would just be a matter of time before he followed. But we were certain that if he went first, she could probably go on to live at least 5-10 more good years. She was my best friend, and I was devastated when she died. She seemed so healthy, so mentally present. She was 83, which I know is a good long life, but I really saw her living until at least her 90th, and surely not to go as quickly and as unexpected as she went.
As we suspected, my grandpa followed her into the afterlife exactly 23 days later, but mentally he died the same day. He was never the same after she died. He went from a sick, but lucid, emotional (both happy and sad, depending on his mood) man, to just a shell of who he used to be, refusing to eat, sleeping all day and just sitting in his wheelchair out in the hall of the nursing home he was now at. He had deteriorated so much that my brother walked right past him in the hallway going to visit him. He didn't even look like himself. The day my grandpa was told of his wife's death, he later asked his daughter-in-law if she was Ann, and if she was there to take him home.
They thought he was confused, mistaking her for his wife, wanting to go home. But I don't think that was what he meant. I think he thought she was my grandma (or maybe he saw her spirit???) and was asking if she was there to take him home to Heaven. When his body finally caught up with his heart and he passed away, it all made sense to me. My grandparents were that couple that still acted like they were twenty year old newlyweds. They were just a few months shy of their 65th wedding anniversary, they still held hands, and he called her his little momma. When he was first put in the hospital he was so sad to be there without my grandma. She came to visit every day, but that wasn't enough for him. One day I took her to see him, and he was laying in his hospital bed, his whole body shaking because he was crying so hard.
My grandpa had had so many health issues through out his life, we joked that he was a cat with 9 lives, because any one of his ailments could have, and should have killed him. It's like he should have died many times over before he finally did. And I truly believe he held on all those times, because he would never leave my grandma. It's like she knew he wouldn't go without her, so she had to go first, to make it ok for him to finally let go. When I thought of that, my heart was at peace. I miss them both terribly, but thinking her sudden death was meant to be, and they are together and happy, with my mom in Heaven, just made my grief that much easier to deal with.
So, I got off on a little tangent. As I've said, there are no instances that make Kayla's death better, like she was spared from some kind of suffering, and it's not like her dying put her out of any pain or anything like that. Being a loss mom is very hard. I didn't spend all day every day of my pregnancy with Emily in fear, but I was afraid every single day. Even for the first several months of her life, I was terrified all the time, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for something horrible to happen. I still worry about her of course, I'm her mom, it's my job. But my worry and anxiety when she was a newborn was off the charts. But, being a loss mom makes you that more appreciative of the good times with your rainbow.
Sure Emily drives me insane, she tests my patience, she misbehaves, she makes messes. Every kid does. Today I yelled at her so loudly for something she did, I saw her jerk with surprise. She's in the middle of her terrible two's, on her way to the terrible three's, of course some days she is a monster. But I love that little monster with all of my being, and there is not one single day that I don't think about how lucky I am to have her. Not one day goes by that I don't hug her tightly, and thank my lucky stars for her. Never having had a child when I wasn't a loss mom, I don't know how other parents feel. I know they love and adore their children, but I suspect many parents can and do get lost in the daily grind. For people who never had to face the dissapointment of month after month of negative pregnancy tests, or that moment of sheer panic when there is blood in the toilet, or have to give birth to their baby, knowing she likely would not be born alive, and if she was, it was almost impossible that she would live for anything more than days or even minutes, I think it is very possible and normal to take your kids for granted.
They're not bad parents for doing so, not at all. They're busy with work, housework, school, their kids school, taking care of the house, taking care of the kids, their marriage, and themselves that I can see how easy it would be for days here and there to seem to be nothing but chaos. And maybe I am wrong, maybe all good parents appreciate their kids on a daily basis, but I just know ho stressed I can get with just one kid, and I don't think it would be hard at all to take them for granted on occasion. But my experience has given me the gift (for lack of a better word) of knowing that life is short, and it can all be gone in an instant. Emily is a good kid, but she has her moments, and she has them every single day. Some days it seems the whole day is filled with those moments. But I am thankful that I know how lucky I am to have her, and I am thankful for every moment I can hug her, and kiss her, and look into her beautiful eyes.
The other blessings that I feel, is just the privilege to have known, and gotten to be Kayla's mom. The love I felt for her, the fierce feeling of being willing to protect her from anything humanly possible was so shocking to me. I had always wanted children, but when the time came, I was scared. Not scared enough to not do it, but I always wondered, am I ready for this? Will I like being a mother? Will I want her around ALL THE TIME? I didn't get that chance, but the answer is yes. I love being a mother, and I wish she was still here. The love I felt for this tiny little thing that I had carried inside me for 22 weeks was like a love I had never known. Despite all the pain and the sadness and my broken heart, I would go through it all over again just to hold her again and look at her face for those 12 hours. I've never ever regretted it, she made me a mother and despite everything, that is a blessing. She also gave me Emily. If Kayla had lived, Emily wouldn't be here. I hate to think that, and I would never ever say I am glad Kayla didn't live. But I also cannot imagine not knowing this funny, sweet, determined, smart, caring child.
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