Capture your grief, day 25

25. I AM | Finish these 5 sentences

I wish ________________________

I remember _______________________

I could not believe _____________________

If only _______________________

I am _____________________

I wish I could have both of my girls together, here on earth.  I wish I could watch them play, and shriek and giggle.  I wish I could watch Kayla teach her little sister things, and watch Emily look up to her big sister.

I remember how happy I was when I first saw those two pink lines.  I tested so early, it was only 9DPO and it was in the evening, so I didn't even have FMU.  I was dying to test, and I figured even if I did end up pregnant, surely it was way too soon to get a positive, so I decided to test just to get it out of my system.  I figured if I tested and got a BFN, that would hold me over until 12DPO.  But then to my utter shock and amazement, a very very faint second line popped up.  I was in disbelief, but sooo happy!

I could not believe how tiny and beautiful Kayla was.  I knew from ultrasounds that she definitely looked like a baby at that gestation.  Hell, I knew she looked like a baby at 12 weeks.  But it wasn't until she came out, and I held her that I realized just how much of a perfectly formed human being she was.  The only thing that made it obvious how young she was, was her size, and the fact that her skin was still pretty translucent.  Other than that, her facial features, lips, nose...omg her tiny little perfect nose, her little pouty chin, her little ears, exactly like mine or yours, except itty bitty....her miniature hands, with her perfect little fingers and fingernails....her fingers even had the little creases in her skin at her joints.  Her entire hand was no bigger than the tip of my thumb.  Losing her was so heartbreaking, but I cannot deny the fact that I got to witness a true miracle.  Everybody is amazed when their children are born, and we forget just how little newborns are.  But we take them for granted, most people have seen a few newborns in their day.  But to sit and look at her, marveling at all her completely normal, every day features, but to see them so tiny and  having been in the midst of growing.  To see this tiny baby, who should have still been inside me for another four months...there is just no denying that babies are miracles.

If only....oh I could go on and on with this one.  If only I had gone to the hospital sooner.  If only she could have stayed in for just two more weeks...hell even one more week, even just a couple more days could have made all the difference.  If only they had noticed my cervix shortening weeks earlier, if only there was a some sort of standard test or exam to look for signs of IC, if only there was some sort of bubble that would mimic my womb that they could have put her in to let her keep growing, if only it didn't happen to me.

I am a mother.  I have two girls.  You may only see one, but I am the mother of two, and I am strong and I am weak, and I am brave and I am scared.  I am happy and I am sad, and I am absolutely in love with my daughters.