Capture your grief, day 8

8. BEAUTIFUL MYSTERIES | To me, my son is a beautiful mystery. I gave birth to him and yet I never knew him. I sometimes allow myself to imagine that he is alive in another time and space and that we are all together. If it is not too painful, allow yourself to imagine who your child would be now. What would they be like? What would they be passionate about. Tell a wild, beautiful story about them.




Kayla would be 3.5 now, and I picture my girls being together.  Playing together, Kayla teaching Emily how to do things, and being a protective big sister.  I imagine her to look so similar to Emily as they did at birth, the same petite frame, the same flowing blonde hair, but their personalities so polar opposite that to me, they have their own distinct looks.

It's a little cliche, but I imagine them playing together in a meadow.  Actually, I imagine them being like Elsa and Anna from Frozen.  Both still so young, but it's obvious that Emily looks up to her big sister, and knows she will always be there, one step ahead of her, to catch her before she falls.  I imagine Emily laughing and smiling and shrieking as she runs around, yelling for "Kia" to wait up for her.

I picture them to be the best of friends, to absolutely adore one another.  Emily may annoy her big sister, and Kayla may not want to play with her all the time, but she'll give in, because her little sister means the world to her.  I imagine Kayla to be wild at heart, but calm and even tempered on the outside.  Emily is sweet, but wild.  You can see her passion on her face, and in her actions and in her eyes.  But Kayla always seems reserved, like you just never know what is going on behind those beautiful gray eyes, that match her sister's and daddy's.

Emily is more transparent about her likes and dislikes....she loves horses, she loves being active.  She plays hard and wears her heart on her sleeve, and at the end of the day she passes out from sheer exhaustion, resting up for another crazy day.  Where as Kayla is more reserved, less telling about what she is thinking.  She prefers to play quietly, or read through a book.  She loves to learn, her little mind always absorbing everything she's ever seen or touched.  She was my baby that kept me up at night.  Reserved in the day, but at night it all came out.  Unlike her sister, she never slept much, often cried and demanded my attention when she didn't have to share it with anyone else..  Always kept me guessing, and isn't predictable.  She loves being a big sister, loves being looked up to, and cannot stand to see Emily cry.