Capture your grief, day 9

9. SURRENDER + EMBRACE | Completely surrendering myself to grief on multiple occasions has allowed me to release my emotions. The hurt, the anger, the unfairness. I was always afraid to giving in to how I was feeling. Like I had to hold it together for my family or if I did break down, I would not be able to bring myself back together. But I always did and afterwards I felt lighter. I was able to flow with grief rather than fight with it. I have screamed into pillows, cried myself to sleep and I am amazed at how much tension I was able to release. Surrendering to whatever it is you are feeling is one of the most powerful experiences of being present and in the moment. To sit and allow yourself to feel sadness is very profound. How do you feel about surrendering to grief? Have you done it before or are you more the type that just keeps carrying it all inside? Does the idea of falling apart frighten you? Share your thoughts.


I definitely tend to hold it in.  Sometimes it is on purpose, especially around other people.  I don't like to come off as weak, or wounded, or even, as ridiculous as it sounds, a drama queen.  Rationally I know crying in front of friends and family over my daughter is normal and I would totally be supported, but I often worry that I come across as being over dramatic, or worry people will think it is for attention.  I am constantly walking a tight rope, with honoring my daughter and breaking the silence about loss on one side, and not wanting to keep "whining" about it, and being seen as someone who just brings it up for attention and sympathy on the other.

But when it is just me, I generally do not try to hold it in, it just happens, usually till the point that it spills over and I just cannot hold it in anymore.  Often my grief consumes me on nights when I really just think about things, and let it all in.  I think about how I felt, I think about the unfairness of it all.  I think about how angry I am, and how much it all sucks.  I often pin quotes about child loss, because many times they can express exactly how I am feeling, when I cannot find the words myself.  Reading those, and feeling all those words in my heart often bring on the water works.  I do feel good after I've had a good cry, I feel a release, and I feel like I have bonded with Kayla, for lack of a better word.

I spend so much of my time trying to move forward, to be strong for Emily and everyone around me, that I often feel like I neglect Kayla.  I feel like because I do not cry every day, or because I am not even sad everyday, that I am being a bad mom.  So after a night of crying and letting it all out, I feel like I have connected with her, and really took the time to grieve for her.