20. GRATITUDE | Telling people to be grateful while they are grieving is kind of absurd. You cannot force a person to feel gratitude, just like you cannot force someone to feel forgiveness. You either feel it or you don’t. I remember when I started on this journey of grief, people always said count your blessings and be grateful for what you have. I remember wanting to scream in their faces! But I took note of what they were saying and I started keeping a gratitude journal. I started writing down anything I felt grateful for and before to long gratitude lifted me out of a dark pit of despair. What are thoughts about gratitude? Do you feel it and if so, share something you are grateful for
I think feeling gratitude in regards to the surrounding grief, it is a slippery slope. Feeling gratitude can be great, it can be uplifting, and it can give you a different perspective on things. It can, as Carly Marie said, give you strength to be pulled out of rock bottom. But expecting or being expected to feel gratitude in an attempt to take away your sadness is, I think, unrealistic, unfair, and quite frankly ridiculous.
I am finding that grief, and the person/thing/experience you're grieving over are their own entity and cannot be taken away from. One's feelings about grief are not made better or worse, by anyone else's feelings or experiences. For example, I told my MIL that I sometimes struggle with my grief over Kayla, because I lost her in pregnancy. I often feel like I am not a "real" loss parent, because I think the world views it as not having lost a "real child". Even I sometimes feel like I should not be allowed to feel as sad, because I do think losing an already here, in the flesh, that you can hold, living, breathing outside of your womb child would be so much harder.
I especially have that opinion because I HAVE dealt with losing Kayla and I somehow survived, but I am absolutely convinced losing Emily would just crush me beyond comprehension and I would not even be able to get out of bed, ever. I mean of course it would, but before I lost Kayla, I am certain imagining that loss would be something I couldn't comprehend, and couldn't imagine going through and coming out the other side, relatively intact. Before my mom died when I was 25, I probably never thought I could make it through that, and sit here 12 years later, ok. I miss her, God I miss her. But I am living my life, I get out of bed each morning, I remember her with smile, and I do not cry every second of the day. I do not even cry everyday, or even every month for my mom. I am sure if I thought about losing her before I actually did, I would have been sure that even 12 years later, I would still be completely broken without her.
It's like the saying, "you have no idea how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have". Pain isn't relative. Pain is pain. When I lost Kayla, I was devastated beyond words. I was at a loss for how this was happening. It was inconceivable to me. I worried about it all the time, I was very nervous during my pregnancy, but still, when it happened, I just couldn't believe it. I worried that it would happen, but I never actually thought that it would. Sitting there in the days after, no longer pregnant, knowing I would not be bringing my baby home in 4 months, my pain was not lessened by the knowledge that she could have been born in July, been carried to term, healthy and happy, and then something terrible could have happened to her. Thinking of worse things, does not lessen the pain you are currently in.
My MIL lost her first husband when they were very young, I think about 20, and they had a baby girl who was less than a year old when he died. She was young, now alone with her daughter, and the man she thought she would spend the rest of her life with was gone. She questioned...was it harder for her, being so young and thinking they had their whole lives ahead of them...or was it harder for that couple that had been married for 60 years, had spent every single day together, had a family together, and had been with that person for more years of their life than they had been without them. The answer is, there is no "harder" scenario, just different. My MIL did not miss her husband any less, just because some people have been with their spouse for more years. She was not "ok" with her loss, just because other people experience a different loss.
So I feel like expecting someone to be grateful for what they DO have, and subsequently being less bereaved because of those things is like saying "at least" in a tragedy. There is no at least. No one should expect me to feel better about my loss, because "at least" I wasn't further along. Or, "at least" I didn't have her nursery all ready, expecting to go to the hospital to give birth and bring her home. No parent should grieve less for their child, because they "at least" have other children.
However, feeling gratitude in is own entity, completely separate from my loss, absolutely. I feel gratitude all the time. I was grateful to have my husband, who was so supportive when we lost Kayla. I don't feel it was particularly healthy for him, but he put his own grief aside and he was my rock. He was there for me to lean on when I couldn't stand on my own. I do hope he has been able to somehow grieve on his own, and at a time when he knew I didn't need him to help me through it as much, because I think that is when tragedies like this tear people apart, when both people are grieving at the same time, and there is no one for the other to lean on. I can only hope I was there somehow to be his rock when he needed me to be, like he was for me.
I was grateful for my doctors. They weren't just medical professionals in charge of getting my baby out and keeping me safe. They cared, they were heart broken, and I know they still think of my girl. Of course not all the time; they've had hundreds of patients over the years....but I am sure there are times when a name, or some other memory will make them think of us, and think of our sweet girl. I send them a Christmas card with Emily's picture on it every year, so surely they think back for a moment to when she was born, and think of Kayla as well. On that same token, I was grateful for our nurses. They were all amazing, and I know they all cared. It wasn't just a job, they grieved with us.
I was grateful for our family. They were there by our side, they love and miss Kayla too....for our parents, not only did they lose a granddaughter that they were so excited to meet and join our family, but they had to see their babies in pain and hurting too. As a parent, I now know how awful that is to see your babies hurting and not being able to do anything to take away their pain. But they were there for us, they put their own grief aside to love and care for us just like we were their helpless babies again. They keep Kayla's memory alive, they include her in the count of their grandchildren. They buy her things, and participate in ways to remember her. I am very grateful for them.
I am grateful for our friends. They didn't freeze up and freak out, not knowing what to do. They didn't say, let me know if I can do anything, or ask if they should come. They just came to be with us, and held our hands. They mourned our sweet baby, and they were there for us again the following year when we were back in the hospital for a happier occasion. They knew just how huge this was for us, as it is for any parent welcoming a new baby, but they knew the long road we had traveled to get there and there were so happy for us.
I am grateful for Emily. I am grateful that I got another chance to hold a child of mine in my arms and take her home as I know so many parents aren't given that chance. I am grateful for every time she makes me smile and laugh. I am grateful for her perfect little face, that undoubtedly looks so much like her big sister's. She will never replace Kayla, she will never take away all of the pain, but I feel like by having another little girl, I was given a small glimpse into the life I didn't get with Kayla. Emily is her own person, and we love her so much, but I somehow feel like having another girl was meant to be, it was a gift and I am so grateful for it.
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