Day 154

 Ok, so I know the official lockdown has been lifted for a while now, but things are still so far from normal so I'm still counting.  Movie theaters are still closed, a lot of restaurants, gyms, museums...so there really isn't much to do yet so it's still sort of like lockdown.

We haven't done much to catch up on, but Emily did have her first (and second) visit from the tooth fairy.  I am so glad she lost her first one home with me, I was so excited to play tooth fairy and it went off without a hitch.  I was nervous about waking her up or her catching me.  I just happened to have cash on me, which was $5.  I probably would have done more for the first tooth, but $5 was what I had so that's what she got.  Which is good because I somehow let the other tooth fairy talk me into $5.00 for each tooth, ugh!  Which is why I am glad she lost her second tooth at his house :)

Years ago, probably when she was still a baby, I had bought her this tiny silver box to put her tooth in.  It's silver and has a pink tooth fairy on the top.  So she puts her tooth in there, the tooth fairy takes it, removes the tooth and leaves her empty box for her along with the money.  It's funny because she seems to be starting to get skeptical about Santa, but she totally believes in her.  Man, I still remember when those tiny teeth first came in.  She cut her first tooth around 9 months.  How is she old enough to lose them already?!?  I can't wait till her top teeth fall out, she'll be so adorable!

So Father's Day weekend she started going back to her dad's again and has been going every other weekend since.  It feels so good to be back in old routines, even if things are very different now in every other way.  She actually stayed the following week as well.  I missed her so much, but her Nana helped her call me every other night, so that helped.  The week she was gone I took off work and my dad came over and retiled my bathroom.  Or he got started at least.  Here we are, two months later and still not done yet.  But stuff keeps coming up, but it is now about 90% done, so hopefully soon.  I can't wait till it's done and my house can stop looking like a construction zone.  

So Emily's school district voted on how to return this fall.  They had originally said they would follow a plan for whatever phase our state is in.  Phase 1-3 would be all online, phase 4 would be hybrid which is 2 days in school and 3 days online, and phases 5 and 6 would be all in-person.  We're in phase 4, so I had made my peace with a hybrid plan.  I didn't like it, but I figured 2 days at school was better than none, and her dad and I could trade off, helping her with her school work each week.  I'd do two days one week and he'd do one, and then the following week he'd do two and I'd do one....or at least that was MY plan.  His input was a little less than helpful but I digress.  

But just this week, the school board voted 6-1 to start the first 9 weeks online.  Ugh.  But on top of that, I am not optimistic that it will only last 9 weeks...I am sure the entire fall term is shot, and possibly part of or all of winter/spring as well.  I do not agree with it at all.  Yes, I love my daughter.  Unless you're a monster, everyone loves their kids and would give their own life to protect theirs.  But I am really not worried about Covid.  Like at all.  Kids have been largely unaffected by it, the vast majority that does get it are asymptomatic or have a very mild case.  

What I am worried about is her education.  And her mental health.  And her socialization.  We're going on month 5 of basically being home just about every day.  That is not good for anyone.  We've gone out for dinner a couple times, but that's not in the budget to do all the time anyway, and we make trips to Target and Home Depot, but even that is donning masks which just breaks my heart to see her with a mask on.  I resisted it till the very end until our Governor made it mandatory that everyone wears them in public.  I hate it, but I also cannot spend all day trying to find places I can go without one and/or face the chance that some crazy person will attack me, even just verbally in front of Em, for not wearing one.

I'm not insensitive to the fact that some people are vulnerable to Covid and some people have died.  That's very sad, any life lost is sad.  But 6 months ago, if anyone went to a therapist and said, doctor....I don't want to leave the house because I am afraid of illnesses, or being in a car accident, or insert X event here that can harm you or take your life.  They tell them they only do online ordering, they don't see friends and family, they keep their child home from school because they're so afraid.  The therapist would probably be very concerned and potentially diagnose them as being paranoid and agoraphobic.  But now suddenly, it's totally acceptable to ruin people's small businesses, damage our mental health, ruin relationships, and turn the world upside down for a virus that has a very very high survivability rate.  I just don't understand.  

I am way more scared of car accidents, and childhood cancer, and bullying, and abductors, and dog attacks, and pretty much anything other than Covid.  Back when I was pregnant with Emily, I was very scared.  Not only of losing her the same way I lost Kayla, but of the million other ways I had since learned can take your unborn baby.  One day my therapist said to me Amy....you probably drove here today, not overly concerned or even thinking about the possibility that a drunk driver could hit you and seriously hurt and kill you.  I said you're right, I didn't.  And he said if you stopped at a store, you probably went in and bought your things and didn't even give it a second thought that some crazy person could come in and shoot everyone.  Both of those things were possible but probably wouldn't happen.  

So he encouraged me to view my pregnancy in the same way.  You cannot live in fear of what if.  And he didn't tell me this to minimize my fear or trivialize it.  I had very good reason to be fearful, and he understood that.  But he was trying to offer me perspective so that I could realize that my past did not dictate my future, and just because something bad can happen, it doesn't mean it will.  It definitely helped me to have some very good days and not worry, and it helped me worry a little less on my very bad days.  So when I say these things about so many other bad things happening that we don't hide in our homes from, I don't say it out of judgment (Ok I admit, I do judge people wearing a mask, driving alone in their own car) or thinking people are nuts.  I would imagine each person that is very scared of Covid has their own reasons for being so.  But to offer some perspective, and try to help people realize that the repercussions of staying homebound for too long can and often will be more detrimental than the virus itself.  Maybe it doesn't do any good, but you never know how your words might stick with someone.

So, Ryan and I talked and we agreed to send Emily back to the private school that she attended for the second half of her preschool year.  It was a hard decision because Ryan really wanted her to stay there for K-8.  But, while we were still married, we were always on the same page about her school.  He went to that school and he always said how much he hated private school and we were in agreement that she'd attend public school.  But as soon as we separated, he was pro-private school.  I am not, for the very big reason of, we cannot afford it.  

Even if we could, I really see no point in spending that kind of money on K-12 when she can get a perfectly good education in public school for free.  Not paying for school now also means we can be better financially prepared to help pay or pay for all of college through undergrad, which would be way more beneficial to her future than paying for private school.  I mean, the way I see it, paying for private school is like saying you can buy this brand new 2021 vehicle for $500 (just a random amount to represent school taxes everyone pays regardless) or you can buy this identical vehicle for $500, plus $30,000.  Um, seems like a no brainer, right?

Now, I do understand that in some places if the public school system isn't good, it may be beneficial for parents to send their kids to private school.  But our public school system is fine, and I wholeheartedly agree that you get out of school what you put into it.  My brother and I went to public school and we both have a Master's Degree.  My ex-husband went to private school and he doesn't have any schooling past high school.  And there isn't anything inherently wrong with that, college isn't for everybody.  But my point it, private school didn't take someone like him who didn't like school and had no interest in going to college and make him an all-star student who suddenly decided to go for their PhD.  Just like public school did not keep people like my brother and me who liked school well enough and aspired to go on for more education from pursuing our goals.

Ok, rant over.  But that's the main thing, we cannot afford it.  He talked about all these ways in which we could get free or drastically reduced tuition, but that would be on a year to year basis.  I do not want to spend the next 11 years not knowing where Emily will go to school next year, and risking having to pull her out in the 5th or 7th or whatever grade because we cannot swing it that year.  I know people change jobs and move and stuff and their kids have to change schools, but why risk that if you don't have to?  So anyway, it'll likely be a fight next summer because he will want her to continue there, but if the world is back to normal next year and she can go back to her public school then that is my vote.  But I think it's a rule that you have to fight with your ex-husband about something, might as well have a pre-determined topic all picked out!

But..., I chose to let her go to private school this year because I need her to go to school.  She needs to go to school.  She needs routine, she needs a teacher who is qualified and can actually teach things in a way she can understand and not get frustrated because she is also trying to work her full-time job, because oh that's right, teaching is their full-time job.  She needs to be with other kids, and have fun.  I feel so awful for her every day, stuck at home with me, having to entertain herself for hours at a time, all day every day.  I find it funny that pre-pandemic the general attitude was "teachers are so wonderful!  They help shape our children's lives, they are our children's future, they are so valuable".  Now?  "Literally any old idiot can teach their kid at home".

So the private school is offering the choice of in-person or online right now.  If our Governor takes us back to phase 3, we will have to go online even there, but they will offer a latchkey program that Emily can attend since Ryan and I are both deemed essential workers.  I hope that doesn't happen because I would prefer she is in school, learning 1st-grade curriculum, but at least that is better than home every day with me, bored while I'm working and getting no social interaction.

  

1st grade here we come!

I officially have a first grader!  Thank the lord, homeschool is over...for now.  I pray that school can resume as normal in the fall.  Her last day of school was this past Friday but she didn't have any actual work to do, just a zoom meeting with her teacher and her class.  I'm so sad she missed out on the last 3 months of having such a great teacher.  But at the same time, with a less capable teacher, she might not have gotten as good of online instruction. 

The first-grade teachers also popped onto the zoom meeting so we could "meet them".   We haven't been told yet which one she will have but they all seem nice.  But I know her teacher has been chosen because her K teacher said she talked to her new one and they worked it out so that her best friend Amelia will also be in the same class as her.  That's so awesome that they did that, it'll no doubt be a little scary to go into 1st grade in the fall without having finished kindergarten like normal, so being able to see her best friend in the same class should be a huge comfort. 

I am sure it cannot be done 100% since certain kids may do better with certain teachers, but I think it would be very cool if they could just send the entire class onto the same teacher as best they can.  Try to create as much normalcy and familiarity as they can for the kids.  But, thankfully kids are stronger and more resilient than we give them credit for.  Their kindergarten year may stick in their heads a little more than usual due to how the year ended, but luckily they shouldn't be able to remember a ton of this year.  I can really only remember bits and pieces of kindergarten that probably don't even add up to a full day.  Even as high as second and third grade are a blur to me. 

I really hope they don't make them wear masks in the fall.  I know all the experts disagree with one another, but I have read that it is not recommended and even unsafe for children to wear a mask for extended amounts of time.  I'm not a doctor but it makes sense to me that it wouldn't be safe.  Just the 15-20 minutes I wear one to a store, I breathe a lot faster and more shallow and it's hot.  I can't imagine wearing one for 7 hours a day in school, especially as a child who does not have the same thought process and discipline an adult does.  Their bodies are also still developing and I just do not think it is ok. 

So, good news, Ryan will begin taking Emily again Father's Day weekend.  Thank God!  I am glad about this for many reasons.  1. She needs to see her dad.  I've explained to her why he hasn't seen her, but surely that doesn't make it any easier on her.  2. Going to his house every other weekend will bring back a nice routine, and kids, especially mine thrive on routine.  It will also give me and her a nice break from each other so that we can enjoy our time together a lot more.  3. She'll get to see her grandparents again.  She has not seen anyone from his side of the family since March 15th and I know she misses them and they miss her like crazy.  In fact, her Nana has been dying to get her again and would have gladly taken her last weekend, but Ryan still said no, grrr.  But, just 8 more days and they can be reunited.  4. She misses her toys that are at his house.  I will admit, my only child is a typical spoiled only child.  She has a LOT of toys, and her dad's house is no exception.  And while there are a lot more serious things to cry boo-hoo about, she's bored and tired of her toys here.  She cannot wait to go play with all the toys she has there that she has been missing.  She will also get her birthday presents from her Nana and Papa and her aunt and uncle that she didn't get back in March.  And she'll get to swim.  My little water bug loves to swim....she will likely spend 95% of her days there in the pool. 

Now some news for me....I met someone!  Yes, I am that weirdo that manages to meet someone during a global pandemic.  It'll be a good story for the grandkids one day.  We met pretty much at the start of all of this, online of course.  I was doing the online thing, though I didn't have much faith in it.  I met a few guys from it years ago before I got married...one that turned into a Mr. Good enough for right now for 2-ish years, one that I dated for a couple months, a couple duds, and one that frightened me to my very core.  He was the epitome of online dating horror stories.  He used a fake picture...like it wasn't even an old pic or a more flattering than in-person pic.  It wasn't even remotely him.  And the real him looked like someone that probably has people tied up in his basement.  I couldn't run fast enough. 

Anyway...despite my misgivings, I signed up for a few online dating sites last summer as more traditional ways of meeting people don't work so well for me.  I mostly work from home, and when I do go into the office, the very few guys there are at least 11+ years my junior.  No thanks.  I don't go to bars often and even when I do, I've never had any desire or hope to meet a potential long term boyfriend at a bar.  That basically leaves a single dad at Emily's school (whoops, that doesn't work when school gets canceled, or the off chance of meeting someone at the grocery store.  I did Match a few times and tried a couple others that I ended up leaving because they sucked, and I had a profile on FB dating continuously since it was free.  I got several likes over the months on there....but out of say 50 likes, only 3-5 were guys I would consider responding to and they usually went quiet after I liked them back.  FB dating had a lot less detail than other sites, so I never sent a "like".  I don't know, it intimidated me...not knowing what kind of girl someone might like.  I preferred to just let them come to me if they were interested.

Plus, on Match, I did send a decent amount of likes, but NEVER got a response.  And I am not exaggerating, I mean never.  Not one.  So one day I was scrolling FB dating.  Some profiles I hit the X right away, some I read because they were entertaining, and even fewer piqued my interest.  But even of those, I hit the X anyway.  But then I came across Anthony's profile.  I clearly remember saying out loud to an empty room, "holy shit this guy is gorgeous".  He was exactly my type...I love the blue-collar, down to earth, truck driving, jeans and t-shirt kinda guy. 

I can fit in in several different settings...I have a white-collar job, a Master's degree, and my grammar and vocabulary probably make me sound more book smart than I am.  I can clean it up and be very presentable when I need to be and I like dressing up a bit and putting on heels for work.  I may not be a genius, but I feel like I can speak pretty intelligently and I can hold my own in a conversation or a debate.  But I consider myself to be way more gifted in the common sense department than book knowledge, I cuss like a sailor when appropriate and I am totally at home chilling in flip flops, jeans, and a tee, going up north, and hanging with my dad and uncles.  Despite being a girly girl in some ways, I'm also very much a down to earth, simple, tom-boy kinda girl...and he looked like my exact type, like someone 3D printed my perfect guy.  His profile didn't even have a ton of info other than what city he lived in, the fact that he has kids, and is my age.  I went back and forth for a few, but ultimately decided I HAD to like him, I just couldn't pass him by.  There was just something about him that I had to pursue.

Much to my surprise, he replied within half an hour.  Color me shocked.  I had never gotten a reply from someone, much less someone I was so interested in.  So I checked my message and he asked, no pics?  My heart sank.  Oh...that's why he replied, he hadn't seen my pics yet.  Now, I know I am not completely unfortunate looking.  Some days I am actually quite pleased with what I see in the mirror.  But I have never had exceptionally high self-esteem despite not really having any reason not to...I've always done pretty decent in my dating life...I was never that poor girl who held up the wall at school dances.  But in the last few years, my self-esteem has taken a huge nose-dive, even more than usual.  I'm older, I've gained weight, and I spent way too many years in a bad marriage where I was constantly made to feel bad and never got support. 

When he said the pics were coming up now, I fully expected to not hear from him again.  So when he replied with "my goodness you're gorgeous", I nearly fell out of my chair (I think it's cute that we both used the same adjective in our initial impressions of one another).  Between the dating app, text, and a phone call we talked for 12 hours, finally saying goodbye at 5:30 the next morning!  I could not believe how much he and I had in common, and how many traits he has that I was looking for.  And they weren't just the typical traits that most people want like nice, funny, kind, honest, etc.
   
We both agreed that we had to meet, and couldn't wait until the pandemic was over.  He was laid off and I was working exclusively from home and we were avoiding other people as best we could and neither one of us was sick, so we decided to meet two days later.  Now normally when I am talking to a guy, even if I like him well enough, I often hope something happens to end up canceling our meeting.  Then I think to myself, how am I ever going to meet someone when I am thrilled that a date gets canceled?  But I was sooo excited about our plans to meet and had he canceled I would have been really bummed.  Our "first date" was sitting in my car in a Starbucks parking lot, lol.  He arrived right on time, thankfully looked like his pictures and his personality was just as if not even better in person.  He was a perfect gentleman, we just talked and held hands and I was a goner.  I was so in like and that is very rare for me to click with someone like that right away.  Most of my exes were people I was friends with first that I grew to like and love over time.  Even if I feel a physical attraction and like their personality, it often takes me a while to figure out if I like them in a romantic way but with him, it was just an instantaneous connection and we both said several times how we are like the male/female version of each other.

The other thing that amazed me was when he was telling me about his kids.  He has 3...two teenage girls and an 8-year-old son.  He was telling me that his two girls were with his first wife...but then he said well we actually had 3 but our first daughter died, she was stillborn.  H-o-l-y shit!  I remember that being one of the things that made me very sad about leaving Ryan, that I was losing the person that I had this bond with over Kayla, and how nobody else would ever understand what I went through and my love for her.  But Anthony has been through the exact same thing.  Kayla was born at 22 weeks, and his daughter was born at 20 weeks.  I mean, I know it happens sadly...I've met a lot of women who have been through it as well...but to meet a guy that I was so attracted to right from the very start, to feel this amazing connection with, and to share one of the most painful things we've ever been through....I was just amazed.  When I told my aunt about him, she said maybe our babies in Heaven made our paths cross.  I love that!

So, due to the lockdown and other factors like Emily being home a lot more, and his job that he got while he waited to get called back to his real job, we haven't gotten to see each other a ton so thank goodness for texting and phone calls.  But even the second time we saw each other, it felt like we had known each other for years...he just feels like home to me.  He started back to his real job last week, and with Emily going to her dad's again soon and the lockdown being lifted I am excited and looking forward to spending more time together!

Day 76

I've gotten a little behind on my writing.  I can't believe it is day 76 and we are still under our stay at home order.  I feel like we're kids that kept talking too much in time out and our Governor keeps giving us more time until we're quiet. 

Though honestly, a lot of that went by the wayside on May 1st.  Yes, the order is still in place, but it seems like very few people are adhering to it.  Once the weather got super nice, people were like peace out!  There used to be a very very obvious reduction in the number of cars on the road, but now the roads are just as packed as they were pre-pandemic, especially once the auto workers went back to work. 

We still cannot dine in at a restaurant, and I'm trying to avoid stores so I do mostly online orders and curbside pick up...my avoidance started because I was trying to avoid getting sick.  I've never been actually scared of the virus, but still if I can avoid getting sick in any way I will.  But now I avoid stores just because I don't want to deal with the hassle.  I don't know if it's because we've been stuck at home for so long or what but I now feel some anxiety when I do have to go to a store...like I'm becoming agoraphobic.  But honestly I think it's really more about it being a pain in the ass to go to a store. 

Trying to avoid people, making sure I don't cough or sneeze and get thrown in "covid jail", making sure to not get too close to people...not because I am all that worried about being too close and getting sick, but just in an effort to respect other people's comfort levels and to not be "that person" that goes against what is now socially acceptable and/or expected.  I wear a mask for that exact reason...not because I think it's protecting anyone all that much, but because it is expected and I don't want to deal with the hassle of being told I cannot come into a store I need to.  If I could wake up tomorrow and suddenly the world was as it was three months ago...no masks, no social distancing stickers on the floor, no sneeze guards everywhere, I would run my happy ass to Target and enjoy my shopping trip and browse stuff I don't need.

I feel like so much of this is all bullshit measures to create the illusion of safety but it's not really safe at all.  A couple weeks ago, Taco Bell started using a metal utensil cup to have you put your money or credit card in at the drive-thru window.  Um ok, but now the employee STILL has to touch my card to take it out of the cup to swipe it, and now I have to touch my card that has been in the cup that 1000 other cards have been in.  Again, I really don't think I am going to get covid from my card being in a cup...but that doesn't solve anything!  If the worker STILL has to touch your card, then it makes ZERO sense to put it in the cup, except now you're forcing me to touch my card that could have germs on it from everyone else's card.  The smart thing to do would be for the worker to actually take my card from me, swipe it and hand it back, and then change his gloves after each customer.

But nobody cares about doing what makes sense, they only care about taking all of these measures that will make the nervous netties feel better about being out in a big bad germy world. 

And I swear to God, the next person that claims kids should not go back to school in the fall is going to get punched in the face.  We have exactly 8 more days of homeschool (yes I am counting) and I could not be happier.  I thought it was absolutely insane to close schools for as long as they originally did but to also tack on spring break to the already long closure.  Then I thought it was even more insane to make the call to cancel school for the rest of the year in early April.  But to kick around the idea of not returning in the fall?!?!  Oh my God everyone has done lost their frickin mind!  Not even a part-time schedule is going to work where they propose two in-class days and three distance learning days.

No, it won't work.  End of discussion.  Yeah, theoretically I could make my two in-office days the two days Emily is in school.  Ok fine...but what about the other three days when she is home with me while I am trying to work, AND I have to facilitate and help her with her school work?  And I am one of the lucky ones...for people that have no choice but to leave their home to go to work, there is no way that will work.  Oh ok, let's keeps them out of school 3 days a week to cut down on the virus spreading, but now let's take those kids and put them in daycare on those days because their parents still have to work and cannot let their young kids run rampant at home alone with no supervision.  Fucking genius plan Einstein!  And if they're going to be in school two days anyway, why not just all five?   Kids are gross and disgusting.  It's not like they are going to not spread germs and be gross during those 2 days, but another 3 would guarantee infection.  I once put my hand in a pile of some other kids snot at the park!  You cannot avoid gross when it comes to kids. 

And why people think working from home is the be-all end-all solution is beyond me.  Yes, working from home can be great....I have no commute on those days, I can wear my pajamas, I can run downstairs for 5 minutes and throw laundry in.  But working from home STILL MEANS WORKING.  It does not mean I miraculously have more hours in the day, it does not mean I can sit there on the clock, not working and help my daughter with homework, and it does not mean I can somehow split my brain in two so I can focus on work and her homework simultaneously.  Whether you work in a big office building, a factory, or at home, you're still working and you still have to focus on your work. 

All these idiots on the FB comments section are like, well what do you do in the summer when kids are home?  Just do the same thing you do then.  Um, first of all, 3 months is NOT the same as 12 months.  Yeah, summer is very difficult to suddenly have to deal with Emily being home while I am working, but my dad and my ex-inlaws try to help out by each taking her one day a week (which by the way you're technically not supposed to do right now because of Covid).  Also, trying to concentrate on work and keeping Emily entertained during the summer is hard, but it's not as hard as doing those things AND having to do her school lessons with her.  And also, it's temporary.  Putting up with the struggles of summer is doable because the end is always near as fall fast approaches.

Then other idiots are like, you are the one that decided to have kids, it's your responsibility to figure out what to do with them...teachers aren't babysitters.  Yeah, because back in 2011 when I first starting trying to get pregnant, I really should have thought to myself now hold on, I do want to build a family and have kids, but I really should make sure I have a plan in place in case our entire country goes into lockdown for months on end and they cancel school indefinitely because of a virus that has a 98% recovery rate.  Man, how irresponsible of me to think that my kid wouldn't be going to school for some reason, despite the fact that kids have attended school without fail for over 100 years. 

I'm convinced that all these people that are pushing to not return to school in the fall either A. already homeschool their children, B. do not have kids or do not have young school-aged children or C. are a stay at home mom and can more easily juggle the kids being home and have time to do their school work with them.  Maybe they even welcome them being home because being a SAHM can be lonely as fuck. 

I'm not saying being a SAHM is easy...I did it for two years.  I've done all three options...SAHM, WAHM, and I've been a working outside the home mom.  They are all hard.  But, it is just a fact that trying to teach your kids their school work is 100 x harder when you are also trying to put in 35+ hours per week of work at the same time.  The caveat to that is being a SAHM but having three or more school-aged kids that need help with school work...I can see that being very very difficult as well. 

I have not been a good mom the past two months, and I hate it.  I want to be, but I am so damn stressed out, and Emily does not want to do the school work nor does she put much effort into it.  I am sure the FB know-it-alls would say oh well my kid is well-behaved and does fine with their work, so you must just be a bad mom.  My kid is very well behaved...but, she does not behave for me while doing schoolwork or put the same level of effort into her work at home like she would for her teacher, in a classroom setting, surrounded by her peers.  It has nothing to do with how good of a kid she is or how good of a mom I am.  It is just a fact, plain and simple.  Just like kids always behave better for grandma and grandpa.

Her dad still isn't taking her for his weekends...he hasn't seen her since March 24th.  My dad and stepmom try to help out by taking her 1-2 days a week, but it's still very hard being the only parent on duty, 24/7 for the better part of two months and counting...we can't go anywhere really, cannot do anything.  I'm trying to work and trying to get her schoolwork done and she's very resistant.  My nerves are shot.  I'm yelling at her and getting frustrated all the time.  I fucking hate this.  I've been back to work full time for a month now...I was only furloughed for a month, but even then I was still working 5-15 hours per week.  And two of those weeks Emily was on spring break for one week and it took them another week to get together a plan for school work after spring break.  So for the last 11 weeks, I only had 2 easier weeks where I had to do her lessons and I was working less than my usual hours.  And this is just one of the less severe consequences of keeping things shut down for so long...my issues obviously pale in comparison to people committing suicide, not having any income and not qualifying for unemployment, their small businesses going under, being stuck at home all day with their abusive spouse, etc, etc. 

Some days I feel like I woke up in a dream and the entire world has lost their damn minds.  I am so sorry for the people that have died and their families.  It's tragic, it really is.  But this is not the plague that is just ripping through society and killing everyone in its path.  Death is a very very sad and tragic part of life, and you cannot protect yourself from every possible risk, especially when the consequences of trying to do so are worse than the initial risk itself. 

I saw this video the other day of this grandma driving over to her grandkids' house.  Her daughter had made this plastic curtain with arm sleeves for both grandma and the kids so they could hug through this plastic wall.  People in the comment section were saying how beautiful it was and how touching it was.  I found it to be sad...sad and depressing.  This is not the new normal world I want to live in where people think they can only hug their grandchildren through a plastic curtain with sleeves.  It wasn't even the right height so grandma was basically hugging their heads. 

I get it, there are certain circumstances where people do need to take precautions.  And while I do not know what underlying issues this woman may have had, she did drive herself there, and walked very effortlessly and unassisted over to this "hugging wall".  She did not look to be so old or so unhealthy a stiff breeze could have done her in.  I think most grandparents who aren't seeing their grandkids right now is because the parents (their children) won't let them.

I get it...I love my dad more than anything and I do get on his case about checking his blood sugar and stuff.  But he is relatively healthy and fit and has somehow managed to keep himself alive for 70 years.  He grew up, he got a job, served in the military, bought a house, had a family, and manages his life...he taught me how to walk, how to ride a bike, how to drive a car and he worked for 35+ years as a machinist.  My dad is smart and capable, and when he decided that he is not worried about the risk of spending time with and hugging and playing with his granddaughter, who am I to tell him no he cannot do that?  As we get older, we tend to see our parents in a different light.  They may not be superheroes to us anymore, they may be flawed individuals, they may not know everything as we once thought, and they may be behind the times with technology. 

And for some, it is just luck, but if you manage to live to be 70 years old, a privilege denied to many, then you are doing something right and you do not deserve to be treated like a child who cannot make a competent decision about risk and reward.  If I did not have the small breaks that he and my stepmom have given me the last couple months, and if Emily didn't have this one joy of still seeing her grandparents when so many of her other joys have been taken away, I don't even want to imagine how crazy we would be by now.  Four of my absolute favorite and most loved human beings ever to walk this earth are in Heaven...my daughter, my mom, my grandma and my grandpa and they all died years ago of things other than Covid. 

People act as though prior to Covid we were all immortal or something.  That a kid going to school is such a huge risk, but they ignore the fact that just getting in the car and driving them to school is a much much higher risk than Covid ever could be.  You could choke on your dinner tomorrow and die...are we going to stop eating because there is a risk of choking? 

I would give anything to hug my loved ones one last time, and if they were here right now, that is exactly what I would do.  A lot of people who intend to not see their older family members for the next year or more due to Covid are going to be very devastated when they end up dying of something else and they threw all this time away that they could have spent with them.  Tomorrow is never ever guaranteed and it has been that way long before Covid existed.  The point of all this was to never keep people from getting it or to reduce the chance of getting it to zero.  The very point of all of this was to flatten the curve, to keep the hospitals from getting overwhelmed.  We have done that, now let's move on and get back to life.

Yes, take precautions, yes wash your hands (we should be doing that anyway) don't cough in peoples' faces...but we need to live our lives, otherwise they are not worth trying to preserve.  Despite being a natural worrier, I do also tend to just let things roll off my back and hope for the best.  But the idea of having to continue homeschooling in the fall, continue trying to juggle work and her school, and not being the best mom I can be because I am too stressed scares me...a lot.  And the thing that scares me the most is there is nothing I can do about it.  If they decide school is not going to resume, or on a very limited basis, what can I do?  I can't keep going like this...I just can't.   

Day 44

Dear Kindergarten Class of 2020,

You might not be a high school senior, but this was a big year for you also.  You began your journey as a student.  You met new friends, began to learn in a whole new way, and set the foundation for your educational career. 

We know how you are missing so many things that were new and exciting to you, like learning a schedule, having lunch with your peers, and developing relationships with others who may become life-long friends. 

We know that this whole situation is hard for you to understand.  We know that you miss your friends and teachers.  We know that you were looking forward to so many fun things that were promised to you, like school trips, field day, and your end of year programs.  We, as your parents have been looking forward to that too.

As your parents, we have been so excited to watch your journey begin this year.  We have watched you mature and navigate a new experience.  This has been the beginning of a whole new chapter for you and us as well.

We want you to know that no matter what, we will do our best to make sure that this time, although a time we could have never prepared for, will not damper this special time in your life.  We promise to make this time as memorable and happy as possible.



***Edited to add....

Dear Parents,

I don't really give a shit.  And I probably won't remember this year much anyway.

Love, kid (or at least my kid)

This is Us

This is your warning, stop reading if you are not caught up with This is Us.




Man, this last episode was a tear-jerker.  The first season of this show, I love love loved it.  Loved it!  But last season, blah!  I almost stopped watching.  Maybe because it focused a lot on Kate.  I really can't stand Kate.  But anyway, save for a couple episodes/scenes, this season was much more on par with how I view this show and this final episode last week knocked it out of the park.

One of my complaints was that the show missed a huge opportunity to deal with losing a child.  That's not to say they were obligated to, but they do like to take on tough subjects and the show is literally built around the fact that Rebecca and Jack had triplets, lost one but gained another to continue "The Big Three" and it really bugged me that they completely skipped over any grieving, any struggles, and even any mention of the baby they lost.  It's like welp, he's gone....oh hey, there is a baby available, let's just take that one!  And I just have to add, I am not sure that would have ever happened in real life.

The woman just carried 3 babies, which is no small feat....gave birth and is now expected to go home and parent their other two babies which is so hard even to parent a newborn, let alone two after experiencing a loss....who in their right mind would say yes, this is an excellent time to adopt another baby without giving it more than 5 minutes of thought while you're under a huge amount of stress.  While it did make for a great show, I'm not sure how realistic it is....but then again they did do some crazy shit in the 70's....or was it early 80's?  I'm not sure, I think the big three are supposed to be a year or two younger than me, which would make it 80 or 81.

But, I absolutely loved how they brought that into this episode and how they explained it.  Upon watching it, it does now make perfect sense why they never mentioned it.  They didn't know how, so they shoved it away and didn't talk about it.  I found out I was pregnant with Emily on July 4th, 2013.  I had over 3 months to grieve for Kayla and to think ONLY of Kayla before Emily even existed.  I gave birth to Emily 5 days shy of the one year anniversary of losing Kayla.  Despite loving your children while in the womb, there really is no comparison to how much you'll love them once they're here.  You just have no idea.  So I had almost an entire year to think of Kayla, and process my feelings before my heart really needed to make a lot more room for Emily when she was born.

They had about 5 minutes to process the fact that they lost one of their children before their other two, and then a new third child needed them.  I can relate having lost a baby, but I cannot relate to the fucked up conundrum of feelings of joy with your living children all at the same time as the pain of losing your other child.  So the way they brought Kyle into this last episode and the feelings they described absolutely made up for all these seasons of never mentioning him.  Well done writers!  Also on a side note, while I will agree Kevin is no slouch to look at, I reaaaalllly like the scenes of older Kevin.  Wow!

I also couldn't help but notice that this episode aired last week ON Kayla's 7th birthday.  What a coincidence.  I was a mess watching it, but I had a good cry.

Day 13-Happy Birthday Kayla!

Yesterday was Kayla's 7th heavenly birthday.  Surprisingly it was one of the easier anniversaries.  Of course, as the years go on, they get a little easier, but I thought with all the anxiety and uncertainty lately, this one might be a little harder.

Ryan came over again after work yesterday...the plan was to grab dinner and have a picnic at the cemetery, but it was a little too chilly, so he brought dinner over and we ate first.  The second set of balloons I had ordered for Emily's birthday arrived Monday, and I had a very small amount of helium left in a tank.  We just barely got 3 filled up before it crapped out.  So after dinner, we went to the cemetery and released the balloons.

It was nice because it was a bit cloudy, but there was a big break in the clouds right where the sun was shining through, and that's where the balloons flew when we let go of them.  It really did look like they were flying to heaven.  Spring clean up was just a few weeks ago, so there was nothing on her grave.  I also didn't have anything to leave this time...I felt bad, it looks so cold and lonely without a garden spinner or some sort of decoration.  I felt bad about not bringing my baby anything, but I figured an extra, unnecessary trip to the store was not warranted.  I'll give myself a pass since we're in a pandemic.  Once this is over, I will go buy out the whole dollar store and she'll have the most decorated grave there.

Today was beautiful and tomorrow is supposed to be even warmer, so if we can avoid the rain, Em and I will take our lunch there and have a picnic.  Parks are technically closed so people don't use the playground equipment, but if there were no other options I would still go for a picnic.  I see no reason to not go to the park for a picnic or for a walk...but the cemetery will work too, and then Em doesn't have to have the fun playground equipment in sight that she cannot play on. 

We might get rain Friday too but if not, we're going to go with my dad to Henry Ford's mansion and walk around the grounds.  It's really beautiful and there is a river that runs through behind it and there's a waterfall...Em will love it.  She went once when she was like two, but I doubt she remembers it.  Finger's crossed for no rain!

We took a walk today...walks are interesting now.  You don't get to choose which way you're going, you chose based on where there aren't other people walking, lol.  But our neighborhood is great for walks...we have lots of winding streets that intersect and curve, so you almost always have the option of multiple paths you can take.  When we got home, we played with sidewalk chalk on our front walk.  I used some and wrote "Have a nice day" on our porch steps....I figure maybe that will brighten moods for any mailmen or delivery people that come to my door. 

It's so odd how I know a disproportionate number of people with birthdays in March, but even more so it seems like so many people were either born on the 19th (Emily's) or the 24th (Kayla's).  So on the 19th, there is also my next-door neighbor, Emily's friend's little sister, and my cousin's son...and incidentally my cousin and I also share a birthday, lol.  I feel like there is one more I am forgetting, but maybe not.  On the 24th, there is Kayla, my nephew, a client at work, my boss's daughter, and my other boss's son.  That's just crazy to me....there are 6 people in my department, and three of us all have kids born on the same day. 

Emily's original due date was March 22nd, so had I not been induced, she could have very well come on the 24th.  That would have been crazy if my inlaws had 3 out of 8 grandkids born on the same day.  It's like those two days have some sort of weird gravitational pull to make a lot of people born on those days. 

Here are Kayla's balloons to Heaven...

Day 9-Happy Birthday sweet girl!

So Thursday was Emily's birthday.  Six years old already, I don't know where the time has gone.  Just yesterday I was holding my little baby in the hospital, trying to calm her as she screamed bloody murder if she was anywhere but in my arms.

So that morning she woke up to streamers covering her bedroom doorway like a curtain.  Not actually streamers....I got it off Pinterest.  You take 3 colored plastic table cloths, hang them up on the doorway and then cut them into strips almost to the top.  Then you brain the top foot or so, and let them hang.  I usually fill her room with balloons the night before, but I thought I would try something different this year.

She liked it, but I think she prefers the balloons, lol.  I also hung up signs all over the house with Minnie and Mickey on them, and the first one said "I have loved you for six years...", and then she had to find the next sign saying how many months, then weeks, days, etc....it was also kind of a little reading exercise since she needed to find the correct sign with the next measurement of time.

I also hung up the Minnie and Daisy Happy Birthday banner that we bought for last year.  So the day was pretty laid back...without being able to go anywhere, we just hung around at home.  The previous day, in addition to working my usual day, I also worked two hours that night, and then I worked two hours Thursday night as well so I wouldn't have my full load of work during the day so I could spend more time with her.  So I worked in the morning and I got done around 12:30.  We had a little cleaning to do, and then we played Life.  She loves that game...I hate it.  It's such a pain to set up and she doesn't understand the ins and outs of it, so it's even more of a pain to set up considering how much she actually gets out of it.

But she loves when her game piece gets married and has kids.  So that was my gift to her, we played Life on her birthday.  I stupidly played it on the floor, and then I could barely walk after a while of getting on the floor.  It reminds me of when we went to Disney World.  We went to see this Disney Jr. live show.  It was on stage but it was just floor seating.  The show was about 30-45 minutes long.  Ryan went to stand in the back because he wasn't even going to attempt sitting on the floor.  Now, there were surely younger parents at Disney, but being in our mid-thirties, we were definitely in good company of other parents in their 30's and 40's with small kids.  When the show ended, you could hear all the parents groaning and grunting as they stood up, lol.  My feet were so asleep I could barely walk.

So that day after Ryan got home from work, he picked up dinner at Olga's and a small cake and he came over and we had dinner.  Em blew out the candles on her cake and then she opened her presents which was the Nintendo Switch and Super Mario Deluxe U.  Her reaction wasn't as amazing as I expected, but once we set it up and started playing, she was squealing with delight and jumping around.  We definitely knocked it out of the park with that gift.  She played a lot that night and has been playing a lot every day since.  I played it some too, it's fun.  I just we could use the Wii controllers, I'm having a hard time getting used to these.

So today we had her "party" which just consisted of her and me and my dad, stepmom, and stepsister.  But I am thankful they could at least make it, and she seemed to have a lot of fun.  I ordered balloons last weekend to pick up at Party City this weekend, but the store has since closed.  So then I went online and ordered some....I still have a smidge of helium left in a tank, so I figured I could at least blow up a couple to float, and then hang the rest.  Before I ordered them, it said the estimated delivery was Friday.  By the next day, they estimated Saturday.  I thought oh crap, I hope they get here before 2pm.  Then by Thursday, it says estimated delivery is Tuesday.  Ugh,

So I currently have two orders of balloons and had no balloons for her party.  But my dad to the rescue, he stopped at the dollar store and picked up a couple so she at least had something.  If they do indeed get them by Tuesday, we can use them for Kayla's I suppose.

So they came over and I put out some chips and pop....I had bought stuff for 15 people, so we had way too much.  Oh well.  Emmy opened her present from them which is a Minnie Mouse in a remote-controlled car.  She loved it, she's been playing with it all day and chasing the cat with it.  So then we had the cupcakes that I made and some ice cream.  Em said at least a few times that it was the best birthday ever, so I guess I accomplished my mission.  She still had a great time, which is all I was after.  I didn't want my baby to feel any of the effects of this and to still have a great birthday and it sounds like she did.  And when all of this craziness is over, we can go to the aquarium and the Rainforest Cafe and do all the fun stuff we had planned.

A part of me feels so good when I think this could be over soon....when I think week one is already done, and according to everything thus far, we should just have three weeks left of being quarantined and the kids out of school.  I think of how happy I will be when the world can get back to normal.  But then I hear how some states have already declared that school is canceled for the rest of the year, and this could go on for months and months and months.  I try not to think of that, because at this point it is all speculation.  At least with Emily, I am not as worried about her education as a parent of an older child might be.  But it does make me worry.  Does she have to miss out on her last 3 months of Kindergarten?  Her last 3 months with a teacher she absolutely loves?

Will she just go on to first grade if they resume school in the fall?  Will we have to choose if they go on to the next or hang back?  As much as I hate the idea of her missing the rest of her kindergarten year, I also am sad at the idea of her having to repeat kindergarten.  With all the crap of losing teachers and getting new teachers and then her preschool closing last year and having to start at a new one mid-year, I was looking forward to stability this year and knowing each day would be as certain as the next.

I mean, on the one hand, this isn't all that bad.  We're whining about being quarantined in an age where we have internet, TV, Netflix...every TV show and movie we could ever ask for...e-books, etc  Imagine being quarantined back in the late 1800's during the smallpox pandemic.  And at least with this, if you're youngish and relatively healthy you don't even have to fear the virus itself all that much but something like smallpox, if you got it, it was pretty much game over.

In many ways, not much has changed for us lately.  I already work from home, so that is nothing new...and normally I would be thrilled to not have to go into the office a couple days a week.  Emily being home is no different than it would be in the summer, except she has school work.  But honestly, after a few days of doing it, we've got a routine down so it's not even all that bad.  I get my groceries delivered, so aside from my weekly trip to Target, and maybe occasionally meeting my friend for drinks or dinner, nothing has changed all that much.

But it's the uncertainty of it all.  People talking about it non-stop on Facebook, people posting stuff that you just cannot decipher whether it is the truth or lies.  Will we be back to normal life in a month....or will it really be a year or more, or somewhere in between?  Will things change again and the virus will become more threatening to everybody and not just the elderly or those with underlying health conditions?  And of course even if you don't go out a lot, the minute you're told you cannot, it's all you want to do.  How long will the economy take to recover?  Will it recover?  I know we have it pretty easy compared to other times our country has experienced something like this, but it's a first for many of us and it's unsettling, to say the least.  I pretty much walk around with a constant feeling of just....heaviness I guess.  And it's not even something I can pinpoint like I said above.  It's just the general feeling of uncertainty weighing on me as I am sure everyone is experiencing something similar.  Normal life was less than a week and a half ago, yet it seems like it was ages ago.