Well I completely failed at waiting until Tuesday to test, like I failed by a whole 7 days, lol. I cracked and tested last night, and of course BFN. I was pretty crampy last night, so I still kind of feel like my period is on its way, but if I ovulated when I think I did, I could only be 13DPO (12 last night) and I've heard of plenty of people who don't get BFPs until 14 or even 16DPO. I was arguing with myself last night over whether or not to test....not because it could be a BFN, I was prepared for that. But I wasn't sure what to do if it was a BFP.
Was I going to tell Ryan? That sounds so messed up not to tell him right away, but like I said I don't want to punish him by getting his hopes up and then devestate him just in case of the worst happening again just ebcause I am too impatient to wait. But then I was like crap, what if it IS a BFP, and then the worst happens before I could even tell him. That's the point where I realized I need to just stop thinking and do what I was going to do, which was test.
I suppose if this doesn't turn out to be that I am not pregnant and I get my period, that's not a horrible thing, I haven't had a period in a long time....maybe if I have one that is the beginning to getting my cycles back on track. I've been doing really well with my weightloss, I've lost 5 pounds so far, I think I look much better, I can already start to see a difference and my pants fit so much better. Since I cheat some on the weekend it's so much easier to stick to it during the week and I've done amazing with my work outs. In February I worked out every single day I was supposed to which is 4 times a week, and so far this month I have only missed one day.
However the silver lining in this taking so long is that we're getting back to winter due dates. Ryan is laid off during the winter so it would be nice to have a winter baby so he would be home to help me and he can learn how to take care of the baby. If I were to get pregnant now I could have a December baby....a lot of people don't want that, and are even willing to TTA for this month to avoid it, but I don't see anything wrong with having a December baby. I even think it would be kind of nice....I LOVE Christmas and I think it's just such a magical time of year. I would love to be able to deliver maybe in early to mid December and have everyone over at Christmas to see the best Christmas present ever. Sigh. Ok, I've got to get back to work now.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Insane!
I am driving myself insane. Three weeks ago I had ferning on the ovulation scope....but we didn't have sex so if I ovulated then, obviously no baby for us. However the good news is my guess is that I am quite sure I would have gotten my period by now had I ovulated that week. So I am really praying I ovulated then and that I could be pregnant.
I am thinking if I ovulated and not pregnant my period should start maybe Friday. If no period by Tuesday I plan on testing. I've been having cramps for about a week now, fairly mild though....so I don't know. I don't know if that means my period is coming, or if I am pregnant or if my body is just being a complete bitch to me again and I will cramp and then nothing.
I'm dying to test, but so far I've been able to hold out. If I ovulated around the 16th I would only be about 11DPO, but that's not really why I am holding off. If and when I get pregnant again, I want to be able to tell Ryan right away, and be excited about it. But I just don't think I could be excited if I tested too early because I would be terrified my period would start. I guess I feel like I know my body better than Ryan, so it's not fair to tell him any good news if there is any chance its so early that the good news could be taken away. One week....I can hold out one week.
I've been analyzing every symptom....I had gotten better about that, for the last 4 or 5 months I haven't gotten sucked in too much by phantom symptoms, but since this month is the first possible month that there could be a chance since the miscarriage, I am freaking out. When I got pregnant in December, I just knew. I just knew it in my bones that I was pregnant. I cannot explain it at all because there were other months where I was really thinking maybe I could be, but this time was different. This time I had a very calm demeanor as test day approached because it's like I knew what the resulkts would be. Then on test day I had a dream right before I woke up that I had already tested and it was positive, so I got up at 6:45 to test.....I never get up early on a Saturday so clearly I was very anxious to test.
As I was waiting for the results, I didn't do what I normally do. Normally when I really think I could be, I talk myself out of it as I wait for the results. I guess I'm like preparing myself for a negative so that I won't be crushed if it is indeed negative. But I didn't do that then, I was sitting there waiting for positive results. In fact when it didn't turn positive right away I got very dissapointed because I knew what the answer should have been.
So....right now I am trying to figure out if I "know it in my bones". And of course it doesn't work that way, you cannot determine if you know it...you just do or you don't. So I feel like I am trying to make myself feel it if that makes any sense. I've been very tired this week, cannot make it through evening TV without dozing off, so of course I think ooooh, is that a sign? And of course I have been cramping, and aside from a week or two ago none of it has been heavy cramps. They've all just been mild, barely there cramping with an occasional sharp pain or twinge, so I think oh, those are different than usual cramps.
Ugh, hopefully I can just take my mind off from it and make it until next Tuesday. I'm going shopping with my best friend on Saturday so I definitely cannot test before then because if it were to be positive I don't think I could stand to not tell her. Ryan and I promised that next time we won't tell ANYBODY until after our first OB appointment. Of course even if the unthinable happened again I would still tell my best friend, but again, but it's the same with telling Ryan, I would want to be able to do it once I can be happy about telling the news. If I tested too early and got a positive I would still be way too scared to be able to tell in a happy way.
Ugh, I feel like this post likely doesn't make any sense. But I needed to get it out. I'm going to bed.
I am thinking if I ovulated and not pregnant my period should start maybe Friday. If no period by Tuesday I plan on testing. I've been having cramps for about a week now, fairly mild though....so I don't know. I don't know if that means my period is coming, or if I am pregnant or if my body is just being a complete bitch to me again and I will cramp and then nothing.
I'm dying to test, but so far I've been able to hold out. If I ovulated around the 16th I would only be about 11DPO, but that's not really why I am holding off. If and when I get pregnant again, I want to be able to tell Ryan right away, and be excited about it. But I just don't think I could be excited if I tested too early because I would be terrified my period would start. I guess I feel like I know my body better than Ryan, so it's not fair to tell him any good news if there is any chance its so early that the good news could be taken away. One week....I can hold out one week.
I've been analyzing every symptom....I had gotten better about that, for the last 4 or 5 months I haven't gotten sucked in too much by phantom symptoms, but since this month is the first possible month that there could be a chance since the miscarriage, I am freaking out. When I got pregnant in December, I just knew. I just knew it in my bones that I was pregnant. I cannot explain it at all because there were other months where I was really thinking maybe I could be, but this time was different. This time I had a very calm demeanor as test day approached because it's like I knew what the resulkts would be. Then on test day I had a dream right before I woke up that I had already tested and it was positive, so I got up at 6:45 to test.....I never get up early on a Saturday so clearly I was very anxious to test.
As I was waiting for the results, I didn't do what I normally do. Normally when I really think I could be, I talk myself out of it as I wait for the results. I guess I'm like preparing myself for a negative so that I won't be crushed if it is indeed negative. But I didn't do that then, I was sitting there waiting for positive results. In fact when it didn't turn positive right away I got very dissapointed because I knew what the answer should have been.
So....right now I am trying to figure out if I "know it in my bones". And of course it doesn't work that way, you cannot determine if you know it...you just do or you don't. So I feel like I am trying to make myself feel it if that makes any sense. I've been very tired this week, cannot make it through evening TV without dozing off, so of course I think ooooh, is that a sign? And of course I have been cramping, and aside from a week or two ago none of it has been heavy cramps. They've all just been mild, barely there cramping with an occasional sharp pain or twinge, so I think oh, those are different than usual cramps.
Ugh, hopefully I can just take my mind off from it and make it until next Tuesday. I'm going shopping with my best friend on Saturday so I definitely cannot test before then because if it were to be positive I don't think I could stand to not tell her. Ryan and I promised that next time we won't tell ANYBODY until after our first OB appointment. Of course even if the unthinable happened again I would still tell my best friend, but again, but it's the same with telling Ryan, I would want to be able to do it once I can be happy about telling the news. If I tested too early and got a positive I would still be way too scared to be able to tell in a happy way.
Ugh, I feel like this post likely doesn't make any sense. But I needed to get it out. I'm going to bed.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Low on hope
I'm feeling a little blah tonight. I've been feeling a little blah a lot lately. I've been thinking a lot about the miscarriage, keeping a loose track of how far along I would be. I would be roughly 20 weeks this Saturday, about time to find out the sex. My dad told me the other day my aunt and uncle are going to be grandparents, my cousin and his wife are pregnant. They've kind of been my safehaven. They're younger than me but they've been married for almost 5 years and this will be their first kid. Since we began TTC I've wondered about them, we're they just not ready? I mean, they are a little younger, I think around 26 or 27, if I had gotten married younger I am sure I would have taken a few years to spend alone with my husband. But I also wondered if they were having troubles getting pregnant.
I am not close to them at all, so of course I cannot ask. I feel really horrible to say that I somewhat took comfort in the idea that they were having troubles. Not that I would wish infertility on them or anybody, but sometimes misery loves company I guess. Sure I know a whole board full of women on TTGP that are in the same boat as me, but somehow it's just different when you know them in person. If they were having troubles I guess it should then give me comfort that they ended up getting pregnant, like there is still hope for me. But honestly it doesn't, it makes me jealous that they got their baby. Whatever they went through to get it, they've got it (well they will when it's born) so any struggles before hand are now null and void. The ends justifies the means and in the end they did get pregnant, whereas I still sit here, waiting. I know that's really stupid to think that way, it'll happen for us someday too. My SIL posted on her FB one day, saying it will all be ok in the end, if it isn't ok, it's not the end. I like that, it applies well here. It's not the end for us yet, hell it hasn't even been a year. Damn near though, one more month.
It's funny because when I got pregnant in December, despite getting frustrated and worrying it would never happen, when it did happen I thought wow that didn't really take long at all. And I am sure when it happens again I will think the same way. But it's the constant waiting, not knowing how much more waiting is left that is hard. I constantly think of future dates and think, will I be pregnant by then? I really hope so. Like when my brother comes home in June for the summer, or by August 10th, our original estimated due date, or by Chrismtas?
I could hear it in my dad's voice, the little waver of yearning when he told me his sister is going to be a grandma. This is his 4th sibling (out of 11) to become a grandparent before him and I know he has wanted it for so long. Sometimes my heart screams to tell him. Sometimes I have to stop myself because all I want to do is fling myself into my daddy's arms and tell him about the miscarriage. It was really hard not to have any of my family's support during it, and Ryan and I don't really talk about it. I know my best friend is there for me too but I don't want to bum her out. I didn't want to talk about it much before when she was still pregnant, I didn't want to plant any fears in her head about her own pregnancy. But now that's she's had the baby I suppose it would be ok to bring it up if I need to. I'll tell my dad someday, when we have the good news of a sticky baby to soften the blow.
He'll probably feel really awful that I felt I couldn't tell him. Like the same way my brother kept quiet about his impending divorce for months, and then only told us when he absolutely couldn't keep the charade of a happy marriage going any longer. I think my dad felt as though he had failed him that he didn't feel he could tell him. I doubt that was it at all, my brother is just a very private person and I would imagine being left by your wife is probably an embarrasing shameful thing, at least in the eyes of the person going through it. I didn't tell my dad partly because then he would know we're TTC. When we finally get the good news, I want it to be a surpise. He wants it so bad, I feel like not telling him is kinder. The time of waiting for the good news will go by much quicker if he doesn't know he is waiting. But also, I feel like telling him now would be kind of selfish. Since he dind't know I was pregnant in the first place, it seems cruel to tell him he would have been a grandpa but now he won't be. Especially with it being so close to Chrismtas, I just couldn't do it.
Well geeze, this is a depressing post isn't it. Ok, onto a little more light hearted stuff. I painted the ceiling in my home office tonight. Almost there, I think maybe I can finally start painting the actual color soon. It's been a very long work in progress that we just cannot seem to get finished. But Ryan's grandpa might be staying with us for a few days over Easter, so we've got to get the office painted so we can move all the stuff back in from the spare room so we can sleep in there and he can have our room. The fate of the office will depend on future events. We had always planned to use the spare room for a nursery someday, and then my office will have to move downstairs when a second kid comes along.
But as we began prepping to paint I remembered how much of a pain in the ass painting is. And since I am painting it blue I decided if our first child is a boy we'll just turn that into his room and move my office next door. Why paint twice? So the other night I started googling nursery decors. I am absolutely in love with wall art, like the sayings you stick on the wall. I've already got one picked out for a girl, the words are along a curvy line with a few butterflies and lady bugs and it says "With a butterfly kiss and a ladybug hug, sleep tight little one like a bug in a rug". Eeeek, I love it. So for a girl I want to get that for the wall, and do the bottom part of the wall in lavender and the top half in white. I also found this adorable butterfly mobile I want to try making and I've already got my crib and other furniture picked out, they're all dark cherry wood....so pretty!
For a boy, the room will obviously be blue and I found a wall art that says No more monkies jumping on the bed...so of course I ran with that and decided I want to do a boy's room in a monkey theme. Not sure yet if it would be exclusively monkies or a general jungle theme, depends on what I can find. I also like trains, but I think I'm leaning toward the monkies more, Ryan thinks I am obsessing when I get like this, but it's honestly really fun to me. Sometimes I'll lie awake at night picturing how I will tell my dad the news, and how I will decorate the nursury. I get that Ryan doesn't do that, but I wish he would understand. It's the same thing as wanting to walk the lot and drool over cars when he barely just got his car paid off and we really need to enjoy not having two car payments right now.
I also like to think about how I am going to announce to other people. Like for FB, I have a lot of family that I don't see much, so when the time comes (no sooner than 12 weeks of course) I'll announce on facebook. I thought about posting "Hey Ryan, is it time to announce that we're pregnant yet?" and then tag Ryan in the post. But I had another idea the other day. I bought these cute little U of M baby booties a few months ago and plan to leave them, along with the positive pee stick and a note for Ryan saying second time's a charm? So the other night when I knew Ryan was busy I swiped his slippers and I took a picture of his, mine, and the baby booties all lined up. I think I'll upload that as my default pic on FB to announce and see how quickly people catch on. Now I've just got to make sure to upload the pics from my camera so Ryan doesn't see them ahead of time.
I am not close to them at all, so of course I cannot ask. I feel really horrible to say that I somewhat took comfort in the idea that they were having troubles. Not that I would wish infertility on them or anybody, but sometimes misery loves company I guess. Sure I know a whole board full of women on TTGP that are in the same boat as me, but somehow it's just different when you know them in person. If they were having troubles I guess it should then give me comfort that they ended up getting pregnant, like there is still hope for me. But honestly it doesn't, it makes me jealous that they got their baby. Whatever they went through to get it, they've got it (well they will when it's born) so any struggles before hand are now null and void. The ends justifies the means and in the end they did get pregnant, whereas I still sit here, waiting. I know that's really stupid to think that way, it'll happen for us someday too. My SIL posted on her FB one day, saying it will all be ok in the end, if it isn't ok, it's not the end. I like that, it applies well here. It's not the end for us yet, hell it hasn't even been a year. Damn near though, one more month.
It's funny because when I got pregnant in December, despite getting frustrated and worrying it would never happen, when it did happen I thought wow that didn't really take long at all. And I am sure when it happens again I will think the same way. But it's the constant waiting, not knowing how much more waiting is left that is hard. I constantly think of future dates and think, will I be pregnant by then? I really hope so. Like when my brother comes home in June for the summer, or by August 10th, our original estimated due date, or by Chrismtas?
I could hear it in my dad's voice, the little waver of yearning when he told me his sister is going to be a grandma. This is his 4th sibling (out of 11) to become a grandparent before him and I know he has wanted it for so long. Sometimes my heart screams to tell him. Sometimes I have to stop myself because all I want to do is fling myself into my daddy's arms and tell him about the miscarriage. It was really hard not to have any of my family's support during it, and Ryan and I don't really talk about it. I know my best friend is there for me too but I don't want to bum her out. I didn't want to talk about it much before when she was still pregnant, I didn't want to plant any fears in her head about her own pregnancy. But now that's she's had the baby I suppose it would be ok to bring it up if I need to. I'll tell my dad someday, when we have the good news of a sticky baby to soften the blow.
He'll probably feel really awful that I felt I couldn't tell him. Like the same way my brother kept quiet about his impending divorce for months, and then only told us when he absolutely couldn't keep the charade of a happy marriage going any longer. I think my dad felt as though he had failed him that he didn't feel he could tell him. I doubt that was it at all, my brother is just a very private person and I would imagine being left by your wife is probably an embarrasing shameful thing, at least in the eyes of the person going through it. I didn't tell my dad partly because then he would know we're TTC. When we finally get the good news, I want it to be a surpise. He wants it so bad, I feel like not telling him is kinder. The time of waiting for the good news will go by much quicker if he doesn't know he is waiting. But also, I feel like telling him now would be kind of selfish. Since he dind't know I was pregnant in the first place, it seems cruel to tell him he would have been a grandpa but now he won't be. Especially with it being so close to Chrismtas, I just couldn't do it.
Well geeze, this is a depressing post isn't it. Ok, onto a little more light hearted stuff. I painted the ceiling in my home office tonight. Almost there, I think maybe I can finally start painting the actual color soon. It's been a very long work in progress that we just cannot seem to get finished. But Ryan's grandpa might be staying with us for a few days over Easter, so we've got to get the office painted so we can move all the stuff back in from the spare room so we can sleep in there and he can have our room. The fate of the office will depend on future events. We had always planned to use the spare room for a nursery someday, and then my office will have to move downstairs when a second kid comes along.
But as we began prepping to paint I remembered how much of a pain in the ass painting is. And since I am painting it blue I decided if our first child is a boy we'll just turn that into his room and move my office next door. Why paint twice? So the other night I started googling nursery decors. I am absolutely in love with wall art, like the sayings you stick on the wall. I've already got one picked out for a girl, the words are along a curvy line with a few butterflies and lady bugs and it says "With a butterfly kiss and a ladybug hug, sleep tight little one like a bug in a rug". Eeeek, I love it. So for a girl I want to get that for the wall, and do the bottom part of the wall in lavender and the top half in white. I also found this adorable butterfly mobile I want to try making and I've already got my crib and other furniture picked out, they're all dark cherry wood....so pretty!
For a boy, the room will obviously be blue and I found a wall art that says No more monkies jumping on the bed...so of course I ran with that and decided I want to do a boy's room in a monkey theme. Not sure yet if it would be exclusively monkies or a general jungle theme, depends on what I can find. I also like trains, but I think I'm leaning toward the monkies more, Ryan thinks I am obsessing when I get like this, but it's honestly really fun to me. Sometimes I'll lie awake at night picturing how I will tell my dad the news, and how I will decorate the nursury. I get that Ryan doesn't do that, but I wish he would understand. It's the same thing as wanting to walk the lot and drool over cars when he barely just got his car paid off and we really need to enjoy not having two car payments right now.
I also like to think about how I am going to announce to other people. Like for FB, I have a lot of family that I don't see much, so when the time comes (no sooner than 12 weeks of course) I'll announce on facebook. I thought about posting "Hey Ryan, is it time to announce that we're pregnant yet?" and then tag Ryan in the post. But I had another idea the other day. I bought these cute little U of M baby booties a few months ago and plan to leave them, along with the positive pee stick and a note for Ryan saying second time's a charm? So the other night when I knew Ryan was busy I swiped his slippers and I took a picture of his, mine, and the baby booties all lined up. I think I'll upload that as my default pic on FB to announce and see how quickly people catch on. Now I've just got to make sure to upload the pics from my camera so Ryan doesn't see them ahead of time.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Saliva says go!
Ahh, I'm so excited. A couple weeks ago I was reading a baby book and in it they mentioned an ovulation microscope. I'd never heard of this so I did some research and found one for $30 online. It works like an OPK, except instead of urine, you place a drop of saliva on the lens of the microscope, wait a few minutes for it to dry and then take a peek. The directions shows pictures of what fertile and non-fertile looks like....fertile display a "ferning pattern" which basically looks like heavy frost on a window when it gets that crystalized look.
I was a little hesitant of it, especially the spending more money part. Between HPTs, OPKs, this book, charting software, two BBTs (the first one sucked, had to buy another) and preseed we have easily spent over $200 in the last 10 months on TTC stuff. That's really not that much, but considering you could get away with probably less than $50 if you get pregnant right away, and also the fact that we have no idea how much longer it will take and how much more money it will take, spending less would be nice. And of course the fact that the majority of that money went to stuff that you pee on and throw away, we have quite literally been pissing our money away.
Ok end of rant....but then I decided the scope would might be a good purchase because you buy it once and you're done, unlike OPK stashes that need to be replenished frequently, and when you have loooong cycles like I am in now, 2 OPKs a day for who knows how many days hoping to catch an LH surge can lead to frequent purchases. So I bought it....for the last three weeks, nothing. My spit looks spotty, just like the picture of non-fertile. There were a few days when I thought maybe if I looked hard enough I could see the smallest amount of ferning, but who knows.
This morning began CD61 for me, and I looked in the scope like usual, didn't see much but then my eye caught an area of saliva at the edge of the lense. For some reason sometimes its hard to get it in the center of the lense. There is was, a big beautiful section of ferning. There was no mistaking it, I knew my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. Of course I had already used the bathroom, but I was able to produce a tad more to use an OPK, negative of course. But the website that I got the scope from said since the scope measures electrlytes in your saliva brought on by an increased amount of estrogen, it can pick up pending ovulation signs quicker than the LH surge that OPKs pick up. So I am praying this is the real deal, that it will continue to show ferning, that my OPKs will agree (I still have some left, why not use them to confirm) and I will actually O.
I know ovulating doesn't mean I will get pregnant for sure, but obviously not ovulating means I definitely won't, so I am walking on air right now. I had spotting that I counted as a period in January, but honestly given my crappy long cycle this month, that may not have been my period after all. Regardless, I was not able to confirm O in January, so the last time I Od for sure was in November, when I consequently got pregnant for those few short weeks.....so clearly I am thrilled as hell to O for possibly the first time in 3 months.
.
I was a little hesitant of it, especially the spending more money part. Between HPTs, OPKs, this book, charting software, two BBTs (the first one sucked, had to buy another) and preseed we have easily spent over $200 in the last 10 months on TTC stuff. That's really not that much, but considering you could get away with probably less than $50 if you get pregnant right away, and also the fact that we have no idea how much longer it will take and how much more money it will take, spending less would be nice. And of course the fact that the majority of that money went to stuff that you pee on and throw away, we have quite literally been pissing our money away.
Ok end of rant....but then I decided the scope would might be a good purchase because you buy it once and you're done, unlike OPK stashes that need to be replenished frequently, and when you have loooong cycles like I am in now, 2 OPKs a day for who knows how many days hoping to catch an LH surge can lead to frequent purchases. So I bought it....for the last three weeks, nothing. My spit looks spotty, just like the picture of non-fertile. There were a few days when I thought maybe if I looked hard enough I could see the smallest amount of ferning, but who knows.
This morning began CD61 for me, and I looked in the scope like usual, didn't see much but then my eye caught an area of saliva at the edge of the lense. For some reason sometimes its hard to get it in the center of the lense. There is was, a big beautiful section of ferning. There was no mistaking it, I knew my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. Of course I had already used the bathroom, but I was able to produce a tad more to use an OPK, negative of course. But the website that I got the scope from said since the scope measures electrlytes in your saliva brought on by an increased amount of estrogen, it can pick up pending ovulation signs quicker than the LH surge that OPKs pick up. So I am praying this is the real deal, that it will continue to show ferning, that my OPKs will agree (I still have some left, why not use them to confirm) and I will actually O.
I know ovulating doesn't mean I will get pregnant for sure, but obviously not ovulating means I definitely won't, so I am walking on air right now. I had spotting that I counted as a period in January, but honestly given my crappy long cycle this month, that may not have been my period after all. Regardless, I was not able to confirm O in January, so the last time I Od for sure was in November, when I consequently got pregnant for those few short weeks.....so clearly I am thrilled as hell to O for possibly the first time in 3 months.
.
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