I'm feeling a little blah tonight. I've been feeling a little blah a lot lately. I've been thinking a lot about the miscarriage, keeping a loose track of how far along I would be. I would be roughly 20 weeks this Saturday, about time to find out the sex. My dad told me the other day my aunt and uncle are going to be grandparents, my cousin and his wife are pregnant. They've kind of been my safehaven. They're younger than me but they've been married for almost 5 years and this will be their first kid. Since we began TTC I've wondered about them, we're they just not ready? I mean, they are a little younger, I think around 26 or 27, if I had gotten married younger I am sure I would have taken a few years to spend alone with my husband. But I also wondered if they were having troubles getting pregnant.
I am not close to them at all, so of course I cannot ask. I feel really horrible to say that I somewhat took comfort in the idea that they were having troubles. Not that I would wish infertility on them or anybody, but sometimes misery loves company I guess. Sure I know a whole board full of women on TTGP that are in the same boat as me, but somehow it's just different when you know them in person. If they were having troubles I guess it should then give me comfort that they ended up getting pregnant, like there is still hope for me. But honestly it doesn't, it makes me jealous that they got their baby. Whatever they went through to get it, they've got it (well they will when it's born) so any struggles before hand are now null and void. The ends justifies the means and in the end they did get pregnant, whereas I still sit here, waiting. I know that's really stupid to think that way, it'll happen for us someday too. My SIL posted on her FB one day, saying it will all be ok in the end, if it isn't ok, it's not the end. I like that, it applies well here. It's not the end for us yet, hell it hasn't even been a year. Damn near though, one more month.
It's funny because when I got pregnant in December, despite getting frustrated and worrying it would never happen, when it did happen I thought wow that didn't really take long at all. And I am sure when it happens again I will think the same way. But it's the constant waiting, not knowing how much more waiting is left that is hard. I constantly think of future dates and think, will I be pregnant by then? I really hope so. Like when my brother comes home in June for the summer, or by August 10th, our original estimated due date, or by Chrismtas?
I could hear it in my dad's voice, the little waver of yearning when he told me his sister is going to be a grandma. This is his 4th sibling (out of 11) to become a grandparent before him and I know he has wanted it for so long. Sometimes my heart screams to tell him. Sometimes I have to stop myself because all I want to do is fling myself into my daddy's arms and tell him about the miscarriage. It was really hard not to have any of my family's support during it, and Ryan and I don't really talk about it. I know my best friend is there for me too but I don't want to bum her out. I didn't want to talk about it much before when she was still pregnant, I didn't want to plant any fears in her head about her own pregnancy. But now that's she's had the baby I suppose it would be ok to bring it up if I need to. I'll tell my dad someday, when we have the good news of a sticky baby to soften the blow.
He'll probably feel really awful that I felt I couldn't tell him. Like the same way my brother kept quiet about his impending divorce for months, and then only told us when he absolutely couldn't keep the charade of a happy marriage going any longer. I think my dad felt as though he had failed him that he didn't feel he could tell him. I doubt that was it at all, my brother is just a very private person and I would imagine being left by your wife is probably an embarrasing shameful thing, at least in the eyes of the person going through it. I didn't tell my dad partly because then he would know we're TTC. When we finally get the good news, I want it to be a surpise. He wants it so bad, I feel like not telling him is kinder. The time of waiting for the good news will go by much quicker if he doesn't know he is waiting. But also, I feel like telling him now would be kind of selfish. Since he dind't know I was pregnant in the first place, it seems cruel to tell him he would have been a grandpa but now he won't be. Especially with it being so close to Chrismtas, I just couldn't do it.
Well geeze, this is a depressing post isn't it. Ok, onto a little more light hearted stuff. I painted the ceiling in my home office tonight. Almost there, I think maybe I can finally start painting the actual color soon. It's been a very long work in progress that we just cannot seem to get finished. But Ryan's grandpa might be staying with us for a few days over Easter, so we've got to get the office painted so we can move all the stuff back in from the spare room so we can sleep in there and he can have our room. The fate of the office will depend on future events. We had always planned to use the spare room for a nursery someday, and then my office will have to move downstairs when a second kid comes along.
But as we began prepping to paint I remembered how much of a pain in the ass painting is. And since I am painting it blue I decided if our first child is a boy we'll just turn that into his room and move my office next door. Why paint twice? So the other night I started googling nursery decors. I am absolutely in love with wall art, like the sayings you stick on the wall. I've already got one picked out for a girl, the words are along a curvy line with a few butterflies and lady bugs and it says "With a butterfly kiss and a ladybug hug, sleep tight little one like a bug in a rug". Eeeek, I love it. So for a girl I want to get that for the wall, and do the bottom part of the wall in lavender and the top half in white. I also found this adorable butterfly mobile I want to try making and I've already got my crib and other furniture picked out, they're all dark cherry wood....so pretty!
For a boy, the room will obviously be blue and I found a wall art that says No more monkies jumping on the bed...so of course I ran with that and decided I want to do a boy's room in a monkey theme. Not sure yet if it would be exclusively monkies or a general jungle theme, depends on what I can find. I also like trains, but I think I'm leaning toward the monkies more, Ryan thinks I am obsessing when I get like this, but it's honestly really fun to me. Sometimes I'll lie awake at night picturing how I will tell my dad the news, and how I will decorate the nursury. I get that Ryan doesn't do that, but I wish he would understand. It's the same thing as wanting to walk the lot and drool over cars when he barely just got his car paid off and we really need to enjoy not having two car payments right now.
I also like to think about how I am going to announce to other people. Like for FB, I have a lot of family that I don't see much, so when the time comes (no sooner than 12 weeks of course) I'll announce on facebook. I thought about posting "Hey Ryan, is it time to announce that we're pregnant yet?" and then tag Ryan in the post. But I had another idea the other day. I bought these cute little U of M baby booties a few months ago and plan to leave them, along with the positive pee stick and a note for Ryan saying second time's a charm? So the other night when I knew Ryan was busy I swiped his slippers and I took a picture of his, mine, and the baby booties all lined up. I think I'll upload that as my default pic on FB to announce and see how quickly people catch on. Now I've just got to make sure to upload the pics from my camera so Ryan doesn't see them ahead of time.
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