Insane!

I am driving myself insane.  Three weeks ago I had ferning on the ovulation scope....but we didn't have sex so if I ovulated then, obviously no baby for us.  However the good news is my guess is that I am quite sure I would have gotten my period by now had I ovulated that week.  So I am really praying I ovulated then and that I could be pregnant.

I am thinking if I ovulated and not pregnant my period should start maybe Friday.  If no period by Tuesday I plan on testing.  I've been having cramps for about a week now, fairly mild though....so I don't know.  I don't know if that means my period is coming, or if I am pregnant or if my body is just being a complete bitch to me again and I will cramp and then nothing.

I'm dying to test, but so far I've been able to hold out.  If I ovulated around the 16th I would only be about 11DPO, but that's not really why I am holding off.  If and when I get pregnant again, I want to be able to tell Ryan right away, and be excited about it.  But I just don't think I could be excited if I tested too early because I would be terrified my period would start.  I guess I feel like I know my body better than Ryan, so it's not fair to tell him any good news if there is any chance its so early that the good news could be taken away.  One week....I can hold out one week.

I've been analyzing every symptom....I had gotten better about that, for the last 4 or 5 months I haven't gotten sucked in too much by phantom symptoms, but since this month is the first possible month that there could be a chance since the miscarriage, I am freaking out.  When I got pregnant in December, I just knew.  I just knew it in my bones that I was pregnant.  I cannot explain it at all because there were other months where I was really thinking maybe I could be, but this time was different.  This time I had a very calm demeanor as test day approached because it's like I knew what the resulkts would be.  Then on test day I had a dream right before I woke up that I had already tested and it was positive, so I got up at 6:45 to test.....I never get up early on a Saturday so clearly I was very anxious to test.

As I was waiting for the results, I didn't do what I normally do.  Normally when I really think I could be, I talk myself out of it as I wait for the results.  I guess I'm like preparing myself for a negative so that I won't be crushed if it is indeed negative.  But I didn't do that then, I was sitting there waiting for positive results.  In fact when it didn't turn positive right away I got very dissapointed because I knew what the answer should have been.

So....right now I am trying to figure out if I "know it in my bones".  And of course it doesn't work that way, you cannot determine if you know it...you just do or you don't.  So I feel like I am trying to make myself feel it if that makes any sense.  I've been very tired this week, cannot make it through evening TV without dozing off, so of course I think ooooh, is that a sign?  And of course I have been cramping, and aside from a week or two ago none of it has been heavy cramps.  They've all just been mild, barely there cramping with an occasional sharp pain or twinge, so I think oh, those are different than usual cramps.

Ugh, hopefully I can just take my mind off from it and make it until next Tuesday.   I'm going shopping with my best friend on Saturday so I definitely cannot test before then because if it were to be positive I don't think I could stand to not tell her.  Ryan and I promised that next time we won't tell ANYBODY until after our first OB appointment.  Of course even if the unthinable happened again I would still tell my best friend, but again, but it's the same with telling Ryan, I would want to be able to do it once I can be happy about telling the news.  If I tested too early and got a positive I would still be way too scared to be able to tell in a happy way.

Ugh, I feel like this post likely doesn't make any sense.  But I needed to get it out.  I'm going to bed.