5 Months

Wow, being a stay at home mom is busier than I ever imagined, but I love it.  This is my fourth week and I am just now getting to the point where I can consistently get everything done on my list for the day.  I haven't even begun to think about starting any of my projects I wanted to do.  I got everything done today but I was so lazy.  Emily and I got up at 8, she had a bottle and I had breakfast and we would normally go for a walk but I was just so sleepy so she and I cuddled up on the couch and slept for a couple hours!

Then this evening she was fighting a nap so we took another hour and a half nap together.  Snuggling with her is the absolute best part of my day.  I could stare at her sleeping face all day, but I won't call her an angel.  That bugs me when people call their living children angels....your children are here with you, I have a real angel in Heaven.  Luckily yours are not angels.

So Emily is 5 months today.  I know she's got a ways to go, but I'm panicking a little bit that she's almost halfway to a year.  A year!  How did that happen?  She's already starting to look like a little girl to me instead of a baby.  It's so unfair how short of a time they look like a baby.  She is literally growing up before my eyes, learning something new almost daily.  She can blow raspberries now, the other day I put her down on her tummy, I turned around for a few seconds and turned back just in time to see her flop onto her back!  One proud mama here!  And I am so glad she did tummy to back first because I had this fear of her getting stuck on her tummy and not being able to get back.

But now she thinks she can outsmart me, I put her down for tummy time the other day and she said nope, and flipped over, lol.  She's gonna be a sassy one.  When I am feeding her or snuggling with her Vinny (our cat) will often say me too me too and climb on up.  Up until then Emmy had ignored the cats, but he suddenly caught her eye so she "petted" him for a bit.  I use the term pet very loosly, more like grabbed his fur and pulled.  I kept telling her gentle but I don't see how you can possibly teach a baby that this young.  Vinny did well though, he just put up with it.  The cats have been really getting on my nerves lately so I am glad he passed his first test, we'll keep them a while longer I suppose, jk.

She also smiles and laughs all the time now, it's so adorable.  And I can tell she is recognizing us now.  When someone else has her and she sees me she has this look on her face like oh whew, there she is.  Ugh, it makes my heart soar.  She's been making attempts at holding her own bottle, but just today she did really well with holding it up so she can get the milk when it's getting low.  Before that she would hold it but then let it fall and I'd have to tip it up for her.  I'd say another couple weeks and she'll be an expert at it.  She likes my singing....when she is having troubles sleeping I will sing to her....my own made up version of mockingbird (I can never remember the real lyrics so I made some up) Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and You are my Sunshine.  Now, I don't sing well....like at all, but Em loves it.  For her last nap today she was having troubles settling down so I sang to her and she immediately stopped fidgeting, stared at me and kept smiling.  It was so adorable.

So twice now in the last couple weeks I've worked up the guts to say Emily is our first living child when asked if she is our first.  The first time was the service manager at the dealership.  I am not sure why I decided to say it to him, I don't know, I guess he looked like a nice guy.  Or maybe because he told me her remembers those days when I asked how much longer my car would take because I hadn't packed her any bottles since I thought we would be in and out.  So anyway, when I said she is our first living he smiled and said congratulations.  Last night at tennis a woman asked me and I said it again and she said first living....oh that's hard.  So she got it and didn't press any further. 

I don't mind talking about Kayla, I want to help break the silence, but at the same time I also don't mind when they don't press it and I think saying she is our first living is the perfect way to say it.  They get it, but they don't inquire further and I don't have to feel terrible, like I am not acknowledging Kayla.  Since I said it the first time I have regressed a couple times and said yes she is our first, but I am making progress I think.  I am not always going to be in the right mood or situation to want to share that, but I think if I can tell the truth at least now and again that will make me feel a lot better about it.

I missed Kayla a lot last night.  Yesterday was nothing special, and I know people who haven't been through it won't get it.  I have Emily now, why wouldn't I be content with that?  It's so hard to explain, but it's just a very tangible feeling of something missing.  I have two daughters, and one of them isn't here.  Of course a mother can feel that absence.

Speaking of, our Kayla Bear (Molly Bear) came the other day.  She is perfect, I love her.  She's a lot tinier than I realized she would be, but our Kayla was tiny so it's perfect.  Here she is....