My heart hurts

I don't post much anymore on the loss board because I just don't feel right.  Now that I have Emily I kind of feel like I would be rubbing it in their faces for those moms that don't have their rainbow yet.  But I do stop in often and read posts, and the one I read tonight broke my heart.  A fellow loss mom who is grieving the loss of her twins ten months ago has now just lost another baby, a daughter at 19 weeks.

To go through it once is hell enough, I cannot even fathom going through it again.  We still haven't decided if we will try for a third eventually or not, but that is one of the things stopping me, the idea of another loss.  Even an early loss would stop me in my tracks; if we do decide to try again I just don't think I could keep going if we experienced another.  Ryan doesn't think I have IC....based on the fact that they couldn't completely diagnose me with it with Kayla, and how well my cervix held up with Emily, he doesn't think I have it.  Of course he is supportive of me being treated for it anyway should we decide to try again and get another cerclage, but that's his personal belief. 

I on the other hand, hope I do have IC.  If it wasn't IC, then it was the chorio.  There is nothing that can be done about that.  I know I made it through with Emily just fine, but they don't know how to prevent an infection.  I mean, of course there are things that you can do, but if it was the chorio, I didn't do anything to bring it on.  So it was just bum luck for lack of a better phrase.  At least with IC I feel in control, the cerclage worked once so I would feel confident it would work again.  And I know losing two babies to an infection would be pretty rare, but if I have learned anything from my support groups, it is that tragedy does not discriminate.  It strikes where it wants to, regardless of whether it has struck before.

I just feel so terrible for that mama, I wish I could wave a magic wand and take her pain away.  My heart has been very achey lately.  I think maybe it is because the anniversary of my mom's death is approaching.  For the first couple years, my body and mind just new it was coming, even if I wasn't consciously aware of what day it was.  But that gradually went away....but I think with it being a big anniversary (10 years) and Kayla's loss still being pretty fresh and the roller coaster of emotions I went through this last year with Emily, my body can sense the anniversary this year. 

A loss mom on my March board had this quote in her siggy, and I always thought it was beautiful. 

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about You, but since I didn't get that chance, will You please hold them on Your lap and tell them about me?"