She is getting to be the sweetest little girl. Not that she hasn't always been, but she just makes me smile every day. She gives kisses on demand now. If you say, Emmy can I have a kissie, she'll come at you like a zombie and give you a kiss. It makes my heart want to explode! She also usually gives me a big hug when I get her out of bed in the morning. But then she'll steal my glasses off my face and slap at me and pinch my face. She's my sour patch kid....first she's sweet, then she's sour.
Now for the heavy stuff...I've been thinking a lot lately about my faith, or my lack thereof the past two years. Since losing Kayla, I felt like I was in a tailspin, suddenly everything I believed and thought I knew, didn't make sense anymore. Why would God take my baby, but give one to someone who hurts their baby? And the endless comments about Kayla's death and other events being part of God's plan. Why would God give me a baby to begin with, just to take her away before I even got her? Why would it be in God's plan for me to lose two babies, and others lose none?
It made me begin to question a lot of things....why do we pray? Do miracles exist? If God is going to make something happen, shouldn't He make it happen or not happen regardless of whether we pray for it or not? Since He doesn't grant all prayers, how does He choose? Is there any point of praying if it's going to happen or not going to happen no matter what? Why would God choose to make this miracle happen, but not another one? Was this person more worthy of a miracle than that one?
Once I started questioning all of that, I started questioning the entire purpose of God. What does He do? I was beginning to believe that God doesn't make anything happen, good or bad, it just happens. But if that is true, then what does God do? I wanted to talk to a minster about it, but there isn't one I feel especially close to or comfortable with. I even had an appointment to see one, but canceled it that day, I just wasn't ready. Though I am still curious to hear what a minster would day, I am finding now that I am becoming content again with MY beliefs.
I spoke to my dad about it. My dad is a wise man. I quite often agree with him, or do things the way he would do them. We see eye to eye on a lot. He also does not believe that God is a puppet master that says when, where, and how things will happen. It drives me insane when people say, "I prayed to God that I would win this reality TV show and He came through for me". Or when people forward an email and if you love God you're supposed to forward it on or else it means you don't love God. I am certain God has a lot more to worry about than who wins a reality TV show and who is or isn't forwarding emails.
So when I asked my dad, what does God do, he said He gave us life. He gave us free will to make decisions, and to try to live our lives the best we can. God is like a good parent, He doesn't do things for us, or make them happen, but He gives us the tools to navigate life, and we may make mistakes, but we can hopefully learn from them. Some people don't, but some do. He doesn't make good things happen, or bad things.....things just happen. Bad shit doesn't discriminate, and tragedy can happen to anyone regardless of wealth, skin color, sex, or where you live. It does not make me feel better to think that God gave me a child, only to dangle her in front of me before snatching her back. It doesn't make me feel better to think that she is in His arms, if He is the one that took her from me.
But to think that she is resting peacefully in His arms, and is loved by Him and protected by Him, because bad things sometimes just happen, that makes me feel at peace. Pinterest says this is from the book of Romans 8:28, "God promises to make something good out of the storms that bring devastation to your life." I like this. I don't believe that God causes the storm, but He will try to bring something beautiful out of something ugly. I will never be happy that we lost Kayla....even being head over heels in love with Emily, the daughter we simply would not have if Kayla had lived, cannot make me "ok" with not having Kayla. But, despite how tired I am, despite how much trouble she is getting into, losing Kayla has made me a better mom to Emily. It has made me appreciate her more than I ever could have, if I never struggled with what I have, and see the miracle of every day occurrences.
Some people may not think having a baby is a miracle. After all, women have babies every day. Every second a baby is born, what's so special about that? But when you have lost babies, and when you have struggled to have a baby....there is no doubt in my mind that children are miracles. It still drives me nuts hearing the things people say about God and their beliefs. But I am content with my beliefs (or at least I am closer to content than I was two years ago), and that doesn't make me less of a believer or less of a Christian. It just makes it my personal relationship with God. And, as Mother Theresa says, it was never between you and them anyway.
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
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