Mommy wars

Oh the mommy wars, I can't seem to go more than a few days without reading something about it on facebook.  And if it weren't for the comment section, I would think maybe, just maybe a percentage of the mommy wars is made up by the media.  But no, people really think this way.

The biggest mommy war of course is breastfeeding.  Women who breastfed vs women who didn't, women who tried and did not succeed vs women who did not try.  Hell there are even wars between women who breastfeed, exclusive vs non-exclusive, those who nursed for a year vs those who nursed till 4.  Give it up already.

I did try with Emily, but I suppose I went into it already questioning my ability since my milk did not come in with Kayla.  I never thought twice about it not coming in, because I assumed my body knew it was too early.  But after talking to several women who gave birth around when I did and even sooner, many woman reported that their milk did come in.  Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining.  I am sure the physical and emotional pain of your milk coming in for a baby that is not there for you to nurse is like a cruel joke.  But I did begin to worry it meant something was wrong.

Not long before Emily was born, I asked the lactation nurse at a class I took, and she assured me that most likely it was my body's response to the trauma and grief of losing her.  Still I was leery.  When she wouldn't latch in the hospital, I got nervous, especially when she spent the entire second night crying her eyes out.  I was certain she was starving, and not getting any food, so I gave in and gave her a bottle.  I still tried halfheartedly to get her to latch once we were home, but I became even more worried when at her first pedi appointment she had lost an entire pound since birth.

Even if I had been able to get her to latch then, I would have been too scared to continue nursing, not knowing how much milk she was getting and if it was enough.  So there was no way I could continue with her not latching, not eating, and being down so much weight.  So we went exclusively to the bottle.  It worked for us.  She slept through the night by three months, and even before then she often slept a good 2-4 hours between feedings.  I knew exactly how much she was getting, and I felt incredibly bonded to her.  I read about many fellow moms whose babies were attached to them 24/7, nursing all the time.  I already felt like she was attached to me, between just feeding her every couple hours, and holding her for snuggles.  As much as I loved it, I also wasn't taking care of myself.  I was barely eating, I lost 30 pounds in two weeks and most days I couldn't even remember when I had showered last.  I couldn't imagine my baby being more attached to me than she already was.

So I tried and it didn't work.  Do I get a cookie for trying?  Most nursing advocates would be so kind to say yes.  But if I hadn't tried, no cookie for me?  That's what a lot of people believe.  You have the hardcore nursers who say I nursed all 4 of my children, sometimes tandem nursed, while running a successful business from home, studying for my masters and homeschooling my other children.  They'll say, because I did it, anyone can.  So no amount of effort is good enough for them.  If you tried and didn't succeed, bad mom!

But many people so graciously say, well it's one thing to try and not be able to do it.  As long as a woman tries.  Oh, so she has to try?  Hmm, I guess I missed that in the mother handbook.  Who says we should have to justify why we didn't nurse.  I say I tried with Emily and didn't succeed, because that is what happened.  But if I chose not to nurse, I don't see why I should suddenly be shunned because I "didn't even try".

Not feeding your baby at all?  Yes, horrible mom.  Abusing your baby?  Yes, monster.  But since when did feeding your baby (key words, feeding your baby) become a monstrous act because you are not feeding them the "right way".  Yes, women have boobs and they were intended for feeding babies.  Women have a uterus too, but not all mothers are made through their uterus.  Would these same women vilify a mother for adopting vs having their own biological children?  What if there was nothing wrong with their ability to have kids, but chose to adopt?  What if they did give birth, but got their babies through a petri dish in a lab?  I think almost all mothers agree that families are built in many different ways, but they fight over how to feed them?

If we have another kid, given my experience with nursing Em, I am not sure I would even try to nurse.  I'll never say never, maybe I would give it the same effort I did with Em and if it works great but if not, head for the bottles.  But maybe I wouldn't.  Having a second baby is stressful enough (hell, having a baby period is stressful) so it would be super easy to say fuck it, and head for what I know, which is formula feeding  (though I did pump also, so E got six months of BM in addition to formula.  Does that give me any street cred with the nazi moms, or does the baby have to hang off my boob to count?).

Did I give up easily with Emily?  Yeah, I did.  Should I have consulted a lactation consultant, or tried a nipple shield (didn't even know these existed until after I quit), maybe.  But what part of, I gave up nursing because I was terrified my baby was starving, screams horrible mother to someone?  Sooo, I was supposed to keep on, worried my baby was hungry, just to prove that I could nurse?  And how many women who didn't try, say they did and didn't succeed, just to avoid the backlash?  Why should we have to try?  Do children of mothers who didn't "even" try grow up unhealthy and unloved because of this?  When people defend the right to an abortion, they say it is the woman's body, and therefore her choice.  So many people are fine with a woman terminating her pregnancy, for whatever reason, because it is her body.  But those same people want to persecute a woman for choosing to feed her child IN A DIFFERENT WAY, and ignore the fact that it is her body and her choice.  We must keep abortion legal so that women aren't human incubators, but it is fine to demand we be nothing but a baby feeding machine?

So we have, aborting a baby, and and feeding in a different way and both have to do with a woman's choice.  But somehow ending the pregnancy is acceptable, but feeding your baby via a different method, is somehow the worst thing a woman can do?  So yeah, I'll say it right now, if I have another baby, there is a good chance, probably a better chance than not, that I will CHOOSE not to nurse.  But if you think this is wrong, think about this.  Feeding your child is not the only thing he or she needs.  Babies need love, comfort, warmth, sleep, interaction, play, laughter, discipline etc.  All of those things require actions from their parents, whether it be co-sleeping or a crib, paci vs no paci, attachment parenting vs free range parenting, etc.  I guarantee you, even if you get a gold sticker for nursing the longest/best/hardest, there is SOMETHING you will do "wrong" (even though it works best for your family) that other mothers will judge you for.

So why do women think they can sit up on their high horse and judge mothers for how they feed their baby, when they themselves might let their kid have a paci past one year, or give them McDonalds one night instead of a home cooked meal, or delay potty training because it seems too hard, or not dress them warm enough on a cold day?  NO mother is perfect, so stop judging others' imperfections, just because they are different from yours.

<Stepping off my soapbox>.  So, my poor baby is sick.  We had such a good run, no colds or earaches or anything for almost two years.  She was sniffly a month or so ago when her molars were coming in, but other than that, nothing.  But this morning she threw up, and had a temperature of 100.  I gave her some Tylenol and she took a longer than usual nap today.  When she woke up, my husband was like, she even looks like she isn't feeling well.  You could see it in her eyes.  She was still in pretty good spirits, but she had more cranky fits than usual and she wasn't playing with as much gusto as usual.  She was also very snuggly today, spending much of her waking hours on my lap.

So tonight she felt very warm so I took her temp again, now 102.  So, more Tylenol and I tried getting some dinner and liquids into her.  She didn't get a ton, but I had her drink as much as I could.  Luckily she liked the cranberry juice I gave her, it was all I had.  When I put her to bed she laid down and asked for a blanket and said thank you when I covered her up.  This is very unusual for her.  She isn't always hard to put to bed, but she often protests a little.  Today there was absolutely none.  Once I closed her door I didn't hear another peep, and when I checked the monitor a little while later she was fast asleep.  Her temperature was down to 100 before bed, so I feel a little better.

I think I could deal with other aspects of being sick, but fevers scare me.  I had to check several sources to make sure I shouldn't take her in for 102.  I think if her fever is still up tomorrow I might call her doctor before they close just for some peace of mind.

Happy Birthday my angel

On the 24th of March, Kayla would have turned 3 years old.  This year was definitely easier than previous ones, but I know better than to think the really painful days are behind me.  Having a relatively easy time on the anniversary likely means one day when I am least expecting it, the grief will pounce and take me down.  At least when it happens on the anniversary, I am prepared for it.  So the day was pretty crappy, it poured rain all day.  When my husband got up, we went out and got balloons and then went to the cemetery.

Since it was raining the plan was to leave Em in the car and let her release her balloon from the car, but I swear the rain picked up even harder once we got there.  So Ryan ran out and secured her happy birthday balloon, the card, and stuffed puppy dog we got for her at the grave.  Meanwhile I tried writing messages on the balloons, but the rain made it impossible and I couldn't get any of the balloons wiped off and dried long enough for the marker to write.  Plus I am standing there with my car door open, trying to keep the balloons from flying away and I am getting drenched, as was my seat.

So I decided ok, no messages.  So I took the balloons over to where Ryan was, and he attempted to untangle them so we could release.  I had an umbrella but it was raining sideways so it didn't keep us very dry.  While he was untangling them, one flew away.  We got four, so one for each plus an extra.  So then Ryan and I released ours but they flew pretty low and almost got caught in trees, and we didn't even want to stand there and watch them fly since it was so windy and rainy.  Then before he could grab it, the fourth one blew away.  So Em didn't get to do one.  But that's fine, if it couldn't be at the grave, and her kind of knowing what was going on, vs sitting in the car and letting go of a balloon, I'd rather just do it another day.  So the next nice day I'll take Em and let her release her own balloon for her sister.

We were going to go see this new memorial that was put in for lost babies in the next city over, but the weather was just too crappy, so we'll do that another day too.  After that we went out to dinner.  My jeans were glued to me because I was so wet, but I didn't care.  It's not often the three of us go out to dinner because Ryan still gets frazzled when Em makes much noise or misbehaves.  So I jumped at the chance to go.  Dinner was nice at least.

This past week was a big girl week.  Sunday night was Emily's last bubba.  I washed them all and packed them away downstairs.  I also did a ceremonious tossing of the bottle brush, and took the nipple/cap basket out of the dishwasher.  There is so much more room in there now.  She's doing pretty good.  The first night without a bubba was ok, she went to sleep pretty easily.  The second night she was up for quite a while, and tonight as well.  But she wasn't fussing or crying, just quietly playing until she fell asleep.  This time feels different, I think we were both ready to quit the bottles.  When we tried before she cried for hours when I put her down, and I was itching to go get her a bottle so she could go to sleep.  But this time, we're good.  We're done.  She has asked about them a few times, but I just say you're a big girl, big girls don't drink from bubbas, and she drops it.

I also cleaned her jumper and put it downstairs in storage.  We hadn't actually put her in it to play in a very long time, probably not in the last year, but we still used it occasionally as baby jail when I needed to shower or something.  But the older she got, the less she was content in baby jail, and we have things pretty well baby proofed.  When I shower I just leave the door open so she can come in and out and see me, the doors to all the other rooms are closed, the gate keeps her out of the kitchen....I feel ok about leaving her loose while I shower.  And if I really want a nice shower without worrying about her, I just do it when she naps.

I thought all of the packing away baby things would make me sad, but it's not.  It feels good, like the place we're supposed to be in.  She's not a baby anymore, so her baby things aren't needed.  For that reason, I am thinking we're done.  She's only 2, but sometimes the idea of starting all over with another baby is kind of terrifying.  As if we've been out of that stage for so long.  And I am so happy with her, I don't really ever sit around feeling like our family isn't complete, or that we need one more (well, I wish Kayla were here).  But then again, today seems to be a "we're done" day.  Other days I really feel like another one would be nice.  Most days I am about 90/10, that we're one and done.  Some days I am more like 70/30, but I wouldn't say there are any days that the "have another" number is bigger than the "don't have another".  I think what it all comes down to is trying to accept how things are, vs how I always thought they would be.  I always thought I would have two kids, I always thought I would want two kids.  But more and more I am seeing how content I am with just one, but it's hard to let go of that picture I always had of what my life would be like.

I don't know if anyone else has ever felt this way, but when I do have pangs to have another baby, sometimes it is not so much as, I want another baby, but more like, I want to have Emily all over again.  I don't really want another, different kid.  I just want to start the clock over with her so I can enjoy all the fun over again.

So anyway, she has been taking her clothes off a lot, and her diaper.  Even if she isn't wet or poopy, she loves to run around naked.  So I figured, maybe it's time to potty train.  For about 24 hours I was confident I could do it myself without a book or a plan.  After all, I am sure my grandma didn't have a book to potty train her kids.  I already had a package of pull ups that I bought a while ago because it got me double Pampers points.  So last Monday morning, I took off her diaper and said, we're going to wear underwear now (the pull up).  That didn't work so well, she still called it a diapy.

So for the entire day, every 45 mins to an hour I would take her to the potty.  Most of the time she was happy to sit on it, but no results.  In fact she was more excited to push it over to the sink and use it as a step stool like I showed her so she could "ath" (bath) her hands.  I tried giving her one M & M for really sitting and trying to go, and she would get two for pee and four for poop.  By that evening, no results.  Her pull up was usually dry, but she wouldn't go....then at some point in the 45 minutes between potty time, she would go in her pull up.

So on the last pee of the night, she sat and wouldn't go, so she stood up and was playing around in the bathroom for a minute when she just started peeing all over the floor.  I hurried up and got her on the potty.  As I hustled her over there, she did stop peeing, and started again once on the pot.  She bent over to watch her pee, and I was cheering her on.  She was really excited that she did it, so I was hopeful that the next day would yield good results, but nope, nothing.  And she still kept calling her pull up a diapy.

So by the end of the second day I said fuck it, I don't know what I am doing.  Yeah, I am sure I could eventually get her trained with just winging it, but at the expense of how many months and times I want to pull my hair out?  If I can just read a book and have her pretty well trained in a few days, why not?  So I got Oh Crap, which is the recommended book in my mom group.  It said if you haven't started yet, or have given it a go, to just take the next two weeks, put away any paraphernalia and just put PT'ing out of your mind.  Pick a date to go diaper free, and then jump all in.  So the basic idea is there is four blocks.  Block one is being totally naked, and watching her like a hawk all day.  When she begins to pee, hurry up and put her on the toilet.  The idea is that once you do it often enough, you will catch her signals about 5-10 second before she goes, get her on the pot in time and she will begin to make the connection herself.

Block two is clothes back on, but going commando so you can A. easily get clothes off to potty, and B. snug underwear still feels too much like a diaper.  Then so on and so fourth, once they get that down, then on to underwear, small trips out, then longer trips out.  I understand the method, I mean, the two days of using pull ups makes me agree with the author, pull ups are just a diaper that you put on like underwear.  I'm sure it works for some, but I can see how pull ups would prolong things if kids still just go in their pull ups when they can't be bothered to get to the potty on time.

I know Em won't have an issue with being naked, she loves to be naked.  But I don't want to clean up pee from my carpet, so we'll be spending those days in the kitchen.  I've just got to come up with a game plan of fun things to do in the kitchen.  The thing that is giving me anxiety is the commando stage.  The book says you're going to have them go commando for at least a few weeks to a month.  I am fine with clearing my calendar and not leaving the house for the first several days, but a month going commando?  Yikes!  It scares me to think of not really being able to leave the house much for a month.  But at the same time, the idea of leaving the house, with not even underwear on is scary.

But, I would rather get this over with in a month, then drag it our for a year like some have to do.  And I guess once we get to that stage it won't be as scary.  Like the author says, you learn your kids pee behavior.  If they don't do much peeing before noon, you make sure they try to pee before you leave the house, and get your errands done in the morning.  Hopefully she'll be one of those kids that just gets it right away and it's easy peasy.

So I set the date for April 10th to start training, but I just had a phone interview the other day for a job.  It seemed to go well, so we'll likely be scheduling an in-person interview soon which would be for the week we were going to start training.  So obviously I cannot leave her with someone else on day 4 of training, so we'll have to post pone the start date.  But what if I get the job?  It's a work from home position, which is awesome, so I can do all my work around Em's naps, bed time and time she's at her grandparents.  But for at least a week or two I will have to go to the boss's house to train for the job, so we'll have to post pone yet again.  Sometimes it takes a long time to get things going with jobs....hopefully not, but it could mean putting off potty training until like May, depending on how long it takes to get trained and settled in the job, if I get it.

I am actually not too upset about that, I hate potty training.  When I worked at the daycare, the kids that were being potty trained were the worst (the training, not the kids).  I'd seriously rather change diapers for the rest of my life.  But, I just don't want to feel like I am putting it off for reason after reason.  But really what can I do?  If I have to go a few days a week to train for a job, there is no way I could start her training when I wouldn't even be home with her for several days.  Hopefully I'll get the job, and things will happen quickly so we can get back to training.

Lately at bedtime, our favorite book to read is The Night you were Born.  Emmy seems to like it, and I just love it....the story, the words, the illustrations.  It makes me sleepy just thinking about it.  Then I thought, how awesome would that be to have a "The night you were born" nursery?  Our office is already painted a dark blue, a wall quote with a quote from the book, some blown up pages from the book as wall art, and maybe a few polar bear fatheads on the wall?  I think that would be beautiful.  See it's shit like that that makes me want another baby, the excitement of decorating a nursery, and the fun of getting to use our boys name, or the new girls name we agreed on....but those aren't good reasons to have another kid.  Maybe I'll satiate my desire by making Emily some 'night you were born wall art.

Birthday party

Em's birthday party went great.  Pizza was definitely the way to go, it was cheaper than I expected, and we had no food to put away, no dishes to do.  Just toss out paper plates and cups, voila, done.

I was a bit frazzled that morning trying to get everything done.  Which would not have been the case had I not been lazy the day before.  Emily went to my dad's Friday afternoon so I could supposedly get the house ready for her party, but when I dropped her off, I had 30 minutes to get to my pedicure appt (it was long overdue).  For some reason my appt took forever, so an hour and a half later I had just enough time to go to the grocery store on my way home, get essentials for the party, go home and unload, and then go to my hair appt.

Last February (as in 2015) I got my hair cut pretty short, like above my shoulder, and I hated it.  Oh and I also got side swept bangs.  I don't know what I was thinking, because I do not like putting any effort into my hair on a day to day basis.  So I had to always have my bangs clipped back, and my hair was too short to all fit in a ponytail.  When I wore my hair down, the length was just right that it hit right at my neck, and when you're suffering from post partum sweats, hair right on your neck is the last thing you want.

So I didn't go for any trims while I was letting my hair grow out, and then I got busy and I ended up not going back for an entire year.  So the hair cut was very essential as well.  When I got done with that, I picked up dinner, went home and ate and then it was time to pick up Em.  Thankfully my dad bathed her so I didn't have to do that when we got home.  So I put her to bed, I made her cupcakes and picked up most of the toys in the living room.  By now it was after 1am so I gave up for the night.

The next day I had to frost her cupcakes, do some laundry, finish cleaning the living room, dust, vacuum, clean the bathroom and take a shower.  I ended up finishing my hair and make up about 15 minutes before people arrived.  But at least I got everything done.  Of all days, it took Em forever to go down for her nap, so people were here for about 30 minutes before she woke up.  It's always stressful for me to have both sets of grandparents at a function for Em.  I'm always worried about making sure they all get time with her.

My dad and my stepmom are very "make yourself at home" kind of people.  So when Em woke up from her nap, they took it upon themselves to go get her and put her birthday dress on.  I am totally fine with that, but my inlaws are kind of the opposite.  When they are at someone else's home, they are a lot more formal, and don't want to step on anyone's toes.  So quite often my dad and stepmom play and interact with Em way way more at these things than my inlaws do.

Like for example, my dad took Emily outside to play with the other kids while we were waiting for pizza, but my inlaws stayed inside.  They were more than welcome to go outside with them, and I am sure they knew that, but for whatever reason they didn't.  I have also explained to them that they don't mean to "hog her" per se, and for the record I don't feel like they do, but I worry that my inlaws feel like my parents do.  My MIL tries very very hard not to be the overbearing MIL or grandma, so her inaction tends to make other people seem over bearing just because they aren't always as concerned with how they appear.  Like, my dad doesn't worry about seeming overbearing, but if he wants to play with his granddaughter, he just does it.

I guess others would see it as being rude, but in our family it's just how things are.  Our family is not formal at all.  If you rang my grandma's doorbell, she'd ask what the hell is wrong with you, why don't you just come in?  If you asked her for something to drink, she'd tell you, your legs aren't broken, get it yourself.  I guess to outsiders that's weird, but we have a very big, loud family, and if you don't interrupt, or get things yourself, or wait to be asked, you'll be waiting all day.  When Em was a baby, one of my aunts would finally get to hold her, and then another would swoop in after just a minute and be like, it's my turn, and nobody took offense to that.  But my MIL is just not the type to do that.  With family any way.  Out in public with people she doesn't know, it's a different story.

I've told her though, that I hope she doesn't think my family is being rude, and that if she wants to do something for or with Em when the whole family is together, just do it.  I even tried to include her by telling Em to go see Nana and get a princess ponytail, since she is really the only one she will sit still for.  But oh well, they're all adults.  I guess I shouldn't worry about it.  And I'm not saying that my parents love Emily more or anything, but Em is my inlaws 8th grandchild, and she is my dad's first.  I have never ever seen my inlaws treat any of their grand kids differently, they are crazy about them all, be it their first or their eighth, but I do think it's kind of understandable that my dad is so gaga for Emily, being his only living grandchild.  Especially because I think he knows there is a good chance she will be his only.

So anyway, the kids all played outside for a bit, which was good because it opened up some room in the house and it was a decent day temperature wise.  Plus they got to play on our new playscape.  Em is too small to really get a lot of use out of it yet, so I was happy to see the other kids climbing all over it and having fun on it.  Then we had pizza, and then we opened presents.  She got just the right amount of toys vs clothes.  We got her a basketball set, a bath toy, and a mini Big Wheel.  All outside toys, and bathroom toy (ie no more junk in the living room).  Her Nana and Papa got her a princess duplo set from Disney World.  She and I put them together yesterday, there is a little set up for Snow White, Ariel, and Cinderella.  It was fun to put together.

My dad got her a toy horse to ride on.  You can either attach the rocker, or take the rocker off and it has wheels.  My stepmom got her a Minnie Mouse sleeping bag.  It's really cute, I think it would be good for her to use in our camper.  My step sister got her a little Frozen metal purse and also some hair bows.  Her other aunt and uncle got her a few pair of jammies and a summer outfit, my best friend also got her jammies, a summer outfit, and a Everest toy (from Paw Patrol).  My brother got her a stuffed animal horse, two books about horses and a horse puzzle.  Em LOVES horsies, so that was a big hit.

My husbands friend got her a little set of Sheriff Callie figurines.  It was funny when he dropped them off.  He has two boys, so he doesn't know girl toys.  He was like, I got her some Doc Mcstuffins things, or something like that, and it turned out to be Sheriff Callie.  But that was ok with Em, she loves Callie.  Ryan picked up the little cactus guy and he asked who he was and I was trying to think of his name and Em goes, Toby.  It still amazes me how much she knows and can say.  I think that was everything.  So she got some fun new toys, but also come clothes so that's good.

After that we had cupcakes.  I baked them myself and made the frosting from scratch.  I used mini oreos for ears, and then I found some candy Minnie Mouse bows to put on them too, and I used red cupcake wrappers with polka dots on them.  They turned out pretty good.  I got a silver cake board from the party store and put the cupcakes on them in the shape of a 2.  So I held Emily's cupcake out to her while we sang.  I thought she would do good with blowing out the candle since she knows to blow on hot food to cool it, but for some reason she gets sad and/or mad when people sing in a group.  So while we were singing happy birthday, she had a mad look on her face and kept swatting at the cupcake.  Haha, little weirdo.  So she managed to hit it, and knocked it out of my hand but I grabbed the candle before it lit anything on fire and then I blew it out for her.  I was afraid she would try to hit it and burn herself.

So it was a good day.  Yesterday I hung up a sheet to use as a backdrop for her annual birthday pictures.  I didn't think I got any good ones because she wasn't very cooperative, but then when I uploaded them to the computer and did some cropping and such, it turns out there were quite a few adorable ones.  So here are a couple of Em's 2 year pics in her pretty birthday dress.

Second birthday

This time two years ago I was miserable.  I was wide awake after my Stadol had worn off, I was having back to back contractions that barely gave me any relief in between and a doctor had just given me my millionth painful cervix check, only to find out I still had no dilated past 3cm.

I was about 12 hours away from meeting my baby girl, and I was scared.  Scared I wouldn't know what to do, scared I wouldn't know what she would need, scared I wouldn't be any good at, or like being a mother.  Twelve hours later when I saw her for the first time, that was it, I was in love.  My sweet baby girl turns 2 today, and I cannot believe how fast the time has gone.

It feels like just yesterday that I was laying in my bed in the L&D room, wondering how much longer it would be.  It seems like a minute ago we were celebrating Em's first birthday, thinking about the following year and not being able to imagine my little baby as a toddler.  These past two years have been the best years of my life, I just love that little girl so much.

Milestones & Memories:  Em has been talking way more than ever.  Once she started talking she spoke a lot of words and just get gaining new ones quickly, but now she is starting to string them together to make short sentences (though not a ton) and she knows words that I never taught her, she picks up on every thing.  Unfortunately there are some bad ones in there too.  She is officially off her nap bottles.  Her bedtime bottle will be going soon too.  I think this week we'll cut it down to a bottle while I rock her and then go to bed without it, and then take it away next week.  She's starting to show a lot of signs that she might be ready to potty train.  She takes her diaper off a lot, lately she loves to get a piece of toilet paper when she is in there stalking me while I go, pretend to wipe and then throw it in the toilet.  We currently have a large stash of diapers, but when those are gone in a few weeks we're going to start training.  She can walk up and down small stairs by herself, just holding on to something and she is getting much better at feeding herself.

Sleeping habits:  Her naps haven't been going as well since we took away nap bubba, but after she cries it out for a couple minutes she settles down and goes to sleep.  Most days she still takes a two hour nap, but a few times a week she takes shorter ones, an hour to an hour and a half.  Bedtime is only slightly more difficult.  I read her a story or two before bed and no matter how many I read her, she always cries "stooooory", wanting more.  Unless she is really tired, she often fights going in her crib, begs for me to pick her up and cries.  But again, she usually settles down within 10 minutes and goes to sleep.  She sleeps from about 8pm till about 8 or 9am and rarely gets up in the middle of the night.

Eating habits: They are still the same as they were a few months ago.  Still not a big fan of meat, she loves to dip food in sauce and lick the sauce off.  She loves Go-gurt (she calls it go go), grapes, raisins, bananas, mac n cheese, oatmeal, black olives, and whatever you're eating.  She is pretty good at using a fork, spoons are harder and it helps if the food is thicker like oatmeal.  She can drink from an open cup as long as I only put a tiny bit in there at a time, otherwise she spills it.  She loves juice on the rare times I give it to her, and she has a huge sweet tooth.  She loves cookies.

Favorites: She still loves Minnie Mouse, Mickey, Sheriff Callie, but now she is also very interested in princesses.  If she sees one she gets excited, she loves the movie Enchanted.  She still isn't a fan of getting her hair done, but if I tell her I will make her look like a princess she is more apt to let me do it.  She loves Kayla bear, but she loves all her stuffed animals.  She goes through phases as to which ones she has to carry around and take places with her.  We got her a stuffed killer whale in SeaWorld, she loves to sleep with him and cuddle, and take him places.  She calls him shampoo (instead of Shamu).

Discoveries and accomplishments: She can go up and down small stairs on her own, she can make it all the way up a full set of stairs as long as she has something to hold on to.  She likes to sing along with TV shows, and she now say "oh toodles" on Mickey's club house.  Her diapers stays dry for hours now, and she often tells me when she has pooped.  She loves to copy and mimic things that she see's people do.  

Too tired to be a good mother

Dear Google Searcher:

Today you landed on this page because you searched “too tired to be a good mother.” If you are searching terms like this in what little spare time you have, it tells me one thing… you are probably exhausted. 

I have been there. Oh I have been there.

I know what it’s like to lie down in bed and have the infant child wake up as soon as you have a split second to breathe. I know at that moment you would rather do anything than get back up out of that bed for the 3rd time that night. I know the feelings of anger and frustration, and sheer desperation, when you think that you just can’t nurse or rock that child one more time without losing sanity completely. But in those moments, I got up out of bed and rocked and nursed my baby back to sleep…again…while praying for grace, strength, and hoping that he would stay asleep this time. Because I’m a good mother, and so are you.

I know what it’s like to be so tired and exhausted that you can’t think straight, and the thoughts that you think terrify you. I surely didn’t feel like a good mother when I, for the briefest of insane moment, considered abandoning my son in the middle of an upscale mall so I could run away and go sleep. But, of course, I didn’t. Because I’m a good mother, and so are you.

I know what it’s like to drag yourself out of bed at 5:30 am (for the 40th morning in a row) to attend to your two-year-old who is crying for you. I know how it feels to stumble into the living room, fumble with the TV (cringing with guilt because you already know how much TV this child will be watching today), unwrap a banana, and hide under a blanket while trying to muffle the sounds of Thomas the Tank Engine so you can get maybe a few more minutes of sleep. I know how hard it is to put a smile on your face when you greet that perky face before the sun wakes up. But I did. Because I’m a good mother, and so are you.

I know what it’s like to put your toddler in the playyard, put Little Einsteins on repeat, and go to the bedroom to sleep for two hours in the middle of the day, because your choice was either to limit the TV and be a “good mother” or get some sleep and be a sane one.

I know what it’s like to mother while having a condition that makes you chronically tired. To mother when your husband is gone for a year and you are left at home with the infant that refuses to sleep through the night that entire year. I know what it’s like to think to yourself, day in and day out,“If I could only get a little more sleep, then I would be a better mother. Then I wouldn’t yell at my child. Then he wouldn’t have to eat Spaghettios because I’m too tired to cook. Then he wouldn’t have to watch so much TV…” 

I have been there so. many. times.

(And even though he’s 2 1/2, I still am many days…)

I can’t promise you that you will ever not feel tired again. But the tired changes. It goes in phases. There’s the infant-is-up-every-hour-to-nurse tired…the infant-is-sick-and-teething-and-screaming-all-night-long tired…the chasing-after-the-toddler-all-day-long-tired…the dealing-with-terrible-two-tantrums-all-day-long tired. Each one is hard in it’s own right. And each one is different to deal with. But each is a phase.

I promise you that your baby will sleep through the night… eventually. It might take two or three years. (Trust me, I know.) They will finally cut that last set of molars that wakes them up in the middle of the night for weeks on end. They will eventually stop staying up til midnight…finally stop waking up at 5:30 in the morning. They will eventually stop nursing.

It might take several years, but eventually, you will look back and then see how far you’ve come and think, “Naw, this isn’t so bad now.” 

This isn’t one of those “oh kids grow up so fast, so treasure every moment while you can!” posts. Those don’t do anything for tired mommas but to make them feel more like crap.

No. This is the post that says, “Hang in there momma…you’re doing great. You are a good mom, even when you are too tired to see it!”

I know that you feel guilty about the hours of TV, the extra naps, the junk food dinners, the extra lattes. I know you feel guilty about being too tired for sex, snapping at your husband, and yelling at your kids. I know you wish you had more energy to do things like taking showers and wearing makeup or going to the gym.

But “good” motherhood isn’t measured in the hours that your children don’t watch TV and how much money you spend on organic food. It’s not measured in how many showers you take or how many times a week you make it to the gym.

“Good” motherhood is immeasurable. I said it before, I’ll say it again:

“Good” mothers are the ones that worry about being good mothers. 

“Good” mothers know that hugs and kisses and bedtime stories (even when you are yawning the whole time you are reading them) are more important than the external things like too much TV with breakfast and Spaghettios for dinner. “Good” mothers may yell and snap, but they always say “I’m sorry” and give a hug afterwards.

So take heart tired momma. You will make it through these exhausting days. And you will be stronger for them. You are a good mother. You only need to look into the eyes of your children and believe it.

Written by Aprille, Beautiful in his time

I found this on Pinterest today.  I quite often find things I like, pin them to look at later and eventually forget.  Or I read it at the time, think "oh that's nice" and then move on.  But I read this, and it spoke to me.  My mantra has been the article "Why you didn't fail as a mother" by Angela Miller, in regards to dealing with the grief, sadness, and guilt of losing Kayla.  But I think this article will become my mantra for parenting a very active almost two year old.  Now by all accounts, I know how lucky I am.  Emily was a very good baby.  She slept through the night by 3 months, even before that she slept until her feedings and very rarely gave me any trouble going back to sleep, and often was half asleep while I was feeding her.

But, good baby or not, getting up two or three times a night and still having to get up and go to work the next day is hell, regardless of the reason why you had to get up.  I remember my first day back to work after maternity leave, I fell asleep at a red light.  I stopped for the light and thought, I'll just rest my eyes for a second, and the next thing I knew my eyes flew open, and all the cars around me were leaving the intersection.  I continued to pump once I returned to work, even when I wanted to quit, JUST so I could go to the lovely new mothers' lounge my employer created and nap in the comfy chair for the 20 minutes that I pumped, twice a day.  Ok, my baby still getting my breast milk for a couple months longer was a benefit, but really, I just wanted to nap.

I was aware of things when I got up to feed her.  I would go to the kitchen and make her bottle, I'd go in her room and change her diaper and then sit down to feed her.  Once she finished her bottle I would put her back in her crib, usually stare at her for a minute or two, sleeping so peacefully and then go back to bed.  But almost every time when I woke up next, I would wonder how and when I got back in my bed and I would have a mini freak out and worry that I somehow hadn't taken care of Emily, only to look at the monitor and see that she was fast asleep in her crib.  During the day, I would nestle her in my snoogle pillow on the couch while I napped beside her on the adjacent chaise lounge.  My cat would often climb up and snuggle next to me, and when he would jump down after a while, I woke up with my heart pounding out of my chest, thinking I had fallen asleep holding her and that noise was her falling on the floor.

Bedtime is a little harder these days, lately she wants an endless amount of stories read to her, and she doesn't want to go to bed.  Most nights I have to just leave the room with her standing up in her crib, arms out to me crying "see see" (what she says when she wants to be picked up).  But she's still a good sleeper, most nights within 5 or 10 minutes she admits defeat and settles down and goes to sleep.  It's very rare that she wakes me up in the middle of the night these days.  But still, no matter how much sleep I get, no matter how early I go to bed, I am always tired.  

Now granted, the early nights and long hours of sleep are not consistent.  I might go to bed at 11 one night, and fall asleep the second my head hits the pillow, but the next night I'll be up organizing my computer's desktop because I cannot sleep at 3am.  But even on those nights that I get to bed early and sleep well, I'm still exhausted the next day.  It's like once I became pregnant, my body is incapable of ever getting enough sleep.  I am always wanting more.

Lately most mornings she gets a sippy of milk and a breakfast bar and a banana in front of the TV, instead of giving her a more proper breakfast in her high chair in the kitchen, because I am so tired and just want to lounge in the recliner while she eats.  I purposefully sit in the recliner because if I do dose off, sitting up it is never a deep sleep so I can still hear her and I wake up every few minutes to check on her.  But I totally identify with the worries of not being a good mom.  I should be cooking her breakfast, and sitting at the kitchen table, not letting her watch cartoons and eat.

One morning I was so desperate for sleep, I put her in her jumper so she was safe (which she has totally grown out of age wise, but we still use it when we need her confined in baby jail) put on her favorite movie (Enchanted) and stretched out on the couch for a glorious nap.  But again, guilty!  I should be up playing with her, doing arts and crafts, challenging her little brain, not plopping her in front of the TV while I sleep.  

But this article was such a good reminder of what our jobs as mothers really are.  Of course I don't let my kid watch TV 24/7, and what she does watch is educational as well as entertaining.  I do feed her meals (some) at the kitchen table, and we do go out and do fun activities.  Of course motherhood is about teaching your kids right from wrong, how to behave, how to be safe, teaching them to count, identify colors, etc.  But we are merely facilitators for all that.  I find new things that Em has learned on a daily basis that neither I nor my husband taught her.  She is a little sponge and she soaks up every bit of information with or without our help.  But what cannot be found elsewhere is my love for her.

My mom has been gone for almost 12 years now.  Yes, there were days as a kid where I ate junk, or watched a lot of TV, or had to fend for myself to find something to do or something to eat.  There were days when the laundry didn't get done, or we ate out because there was nothing thawed to make for dinner.  I am sure in many ways, my mother was very flawed.  But I don't remember those things.  What I do remember is her love for me.  I remember her comforting arms when I had an ouchie, or I just had a bad day.  I remember her smiling face, standing at the door to greet me when I came home from work or school.  I remember her voice, calling me every day (and sometimes two and three times a day) when I moved out of my parents' house.

No mother is perfect, and most mothers have a lot of flaws.  But my mother loved me, and would protect me with everything she had.  She would go without, so I could have whatever it was I wanted or needed.  This article was a good reminder for me to (try) stop feeling so guilty about every little thing, and realize that I am a good mother.  I comfort my daughter when she is sad or sick or hurt, I make her laugh and smile every day, I keep her safe from harm, I teach her right from wrong, and I love her with every ounce of my being.  And for that, I am a good mother, despite being tired.

Disney and time out

Well we had a great time at Disney.  We got home a week ago.  We spent four days at the parks; Epcot, Hollywood Studios and two days at the Magic Kingdom.  I do regret not going to Animal Kingdom a little bit.  I think Em would have really liked it, and we were kind of bored at Hollywood Studios.  Or maybe we should have sprung for the park hopper that day.  Anyway, Em met so many characters, a bunch of princesses like Cinderella, Rapunzle, Belle, and she also met Alice and Tinkerbell.

She did good with them, but she is pretty new to the princess world.  She did start saying princess a month or so ago, and gets excited when she sees them on TV, but I think the fact that they were real people weirded her out a bit.  She loved the characters though.  She met Goofy, Pluto, Donald, Daisy, and of course her favorite, Mickey and Minnie.  She got to meet them, along with Goofy twice because we did a meet and greet at Epcot the first day, and then on our last day we had dinner at Chef Mickey and she met the whole gang.

For anyone going there, I highly recommend Chef Mickey (our reservations were for 5, practically walked right in, but the line was huge as we were leaving).  It's a fun atmosphere, very good buffet for both adults and kids, and all of the characters make the rounds and each one goes to each and every table for at least a minute or two to interact with the kids, take pictures and sign autographs.  Definitely an awesome way to round out our last day.  I was excited to go to Disney since the whole family was going, but I has my reservations about spending so much money and Emily being so young.

My SIL and her family, their kids are 9 and 6 so they obviously got a lot out of it, and it will be their first and only trip.  So I was a little anxious about spending all this money for a trip that Em won't remember, and then possibly even going again some day when Em is older, or if we have another kid.  I don't doubt that my niece and nephew had a great time being older, but Emmy really did get more out of meeting the characters I think.  At their age, it was probably cool, but they likely know they're not real.  But for Em, it was like Mickey and Minnie stepped out of the TV and she got to meet them.  I am sure it was amazing for her, and we have great pictures to show her some day.  She wasn't afraid of them like I worried, but she wasn't real eager to go up and hug them.  But by the time she met them again at Chef Mickey she was much more comfortable, she honked all of their noses, poked their eyeballs, showed them her eyes, and Goofy had her absolutely cracking up.

Plus it was just an all around nice family trip.  Em is with me all day long, every waking minute but she doesn't see Ryan as much when he is sleeping.  But during that week she got to spend 24/7 with both of us.  She's still a mama's girl, but they got to bond a lot that week.  Now when daddy leaves the room, she calls for him, and she'll go to daddy when she is hurt as much as she'll go to me.  It was also great seeing her play and interact with her cousins, they're such good big cousins, holding her hand and walking with her, making her laugh.  I also loved seeing her with her Nana and Papa all week.  Since we flew with them, and they watched her sometimes when we went on rides she couldn't go on, she got to spend a lot of time with them too.  I got this picture of her and Nana, Em was giving her raspberries on her cheek and they were both laughing so hard together.  It's a precious picture.  I know saving money and spending it wisely is important, but I saw this meme the other day.  It said take vacations, you can always make more money but you can't always make more memories.  So true.

We only made it swimming once which was disappointing, but Emily had fun.  It was a little chilly but I am glad we went since we didn't get another chance.  Every day we were just so busy at the parks.  The kid is a dare devil.  Last fall in Chicago I taught her to hold my hands and jump into the pool from the deck.  So we did that this time too.  But then I took my hands away and I tried to get her to jump into my arms without holding my hands.  She was scared at first so I didn't push it, but then she tried it and loved it.  She was still a little more comfortable holding my hands, but within a few minutes she would just jump into my arms and sometimes I wasn't even ready for it.  I hope she stays this way and doesn't have my fear of water.

So we spent one day just relaxing when we changed hotels since we didn't want to shell out the cash of staying on the resort once we were done at the parks.  Our resort hotel was cute though.  We stayed at the Art of Imagination and we were in the Little Mermaid rooms.  Outside there were giant statues of Ursula and King Triton, there were statues of the dinglehopper (the fork) and the snarfblat (the pipe) along with that statue of Prince Eric.  Our room was also themed, the headboard on our bed was like a shell, there were pics of Ariel's friends on the walls, Ariel herself was on the shower curtain, the bathroom mirror was under the sea-like.  Very cute.

Friday we went to Sea World.  That was a lot of fun.  It was still a lot of walking but it was still like a relaxing day, after four days at Disney, Sea World felt tiny and it wasn't nearly as crowded.  We saw the Shamu show, we got Emmy a stuffed whale which she named Shampoo (she had just learned the word, so when we told her his name was Shamu, she of course called it shampoo).  We saw a sea lion show, ate dinner next to the shark aquarium.  The next day we flew home.  The flights weren't great.

There was some problems with checking us in for our flight going, so despite being at the airport in plenty of time, we were running to our gate and they were threatening to give our seats away.  We were already running late, but of course my diaper bag had to get red flagged and they took forever to search it.  I had forgotten about some sunscreen that was over the limit.  I had my MIL and FIL take Em to the gate while we waited for the bag, since we still had to buy some snacks and milk for Em.  The gate agents were asking them if they would go without us if we didn't get there soon.  My MIL was like no, it's a family vacation and this is their kid!

Emmy did pretty well on that flight.  Her ears bothered her on take off, but not bad, and then the seat back screen kept her entertained for most of the flight.  Her ears hurt a lot while we descended and then thankfully she fell asleep a minute or so before we landed.  The flights coming back weren't as good.  She was not listening to me, she kept taking her seat belt off and standing up in her seat, wanting to climb all over me.  Laughing and shrieking and then yelling and crying when she didn't get her way.  I normally do not give a shit what people think about her tantrums when we're out in public, but on a plane it was different.  I was stuck with those people for 2 hours, she literally did not listen to a thing I said, and I used to be that person that judged people with noisy kids on airplanes.

Then on landing her ears were hurting a lot so I had her in my lap, but this bitchy flight attendant came by and scolded that she had to be in her seat and her seatbelt on.  I put her in her seat, but she started screaming and crying from the pain, so I said fuck it and brought her back into my lap.  I was hoping the lady would come back so I could bitch her out.  We bought Emily a seat but since she is under two we didn't have to.  So if we hadn't bought her a seat, she would have been perfectly fine in my arms, so that woman was just being a bitch and not bothering to ask how old she was.

Besides, I am all about safety, but let's face it, if we crashed, not being in her seat likely wouldn't make a difference.  She was in pain and upset and I am going to choose comforting my baby vs following BS rules for the unlikely event of a crash.  So, I am not looking forward to flying again in the near future.  In fact I don't think we will until she is much older.

This week I have been so unproductive, but I think I needed a lazy week.  It's true, you really need to have a vacation from your vacation.  We got up early most days, walked a lot.  I figure we walked about 20 miles that week.  But this coming week I've really got to get back into my routine.  I guess I just need to blast some caffeine into my system the minute I wake up, otherwise I am useless in the morning.  Like yesterday, I sat in the recliner while Em played, but I was so tired so I had her snuggle with me while we watched a movie so I could doze.

I see on pinterest all the time these stay at home mom schedules, so I read one yesterday.  I was shocked at how rigid it was.  It was like 8-8:30, breakfast, 8:30-9 constructive play, 9-9:30 arts and crafts while mommy does laundry, 9:30-10 snack time......I mean, if it works for some people that's great.  But it is not for me.  I know routines are important and we have a loose routine, but seriously, that seemed like a schedule kids would have at daycare.  This isn't daycare.  I feel like that is part of the beauty of being a stay at home mom and your kids getting to be home with you.  They'll have to be told what to do and be on a schedule their entire life, why not let them just play and be kids for now?

I mean of course there are times where we do a planned thing, like painting, or going outside, or for a walk.  But Em plays so well on her own that I enjoy just letting her do what she wants to do.  And this woman only allowed like 30 minutes a day of screen time.  I know it's a hot issue and some parents don't allow it, and others like me do.  To each their own, but I just don't see the big deal.  I mean, I don't agree with using the TV as a babysitter, and once the weather is nice I will definitely get her outside more and when she is old enough to play outside by herself she will definitely be out there instead of sitting in front of the TV.

But I feel like by allowing her unlimited screen time, it doesn't make her want to watch it that much.  If you severely limit it, kids will want more of it.  But if she's allowed to watch whenever she wants, she won't really feel the need to.  Besides, there aren't that many shows that she really gives her undivided attention to anyway.  She likes Mickey's clubhouse, but she'll play while it's on and pay attention here and there.  Sophia and Doc McStuffins and Paw Patrol she pays attention to even less.  Bubble Guppies and Sheriff Callie she will stop what she is doing and watch the whole episode, but usually just the one.  If another one comes on she'll only somewhat pay attention.  And the shows are educational, I see her repeating stuff she learns from there.  It's not like cartoons of our childhood where Wiley Coyote was just trying to kill the roadrunner all the time and Bugs Bunny was always blowing people up with his acme dynamite (though I will admit, I miss those shows a bit).  I watched them and turned out fine.

I just remember as a kid, my mom stayed home with me, and I was also a good independent player.  We would do arts and crafts, she would take me to the library and we would bake together, but I recall a lot of the day just being free for me to play how I wanted, and I loved it.  Like I said, to each their own and I do need to be a bit better with being productive and having a routine, but a rigid schedule is definitely not for me.

So recently we started doing time outs with Emily.  We do spank when it is something either dangerous, or she is deliberately not listening or doing something bad, but for more every day lesser offences, I think time out is a good thing.  Yesterday Em was eating a bowl of olives and she took the bowl and dumped them all out on the floor.  I told her to pick them up several times but she was blatantly not listening.  We hadn't worked out a time-out spot and all that jazz yet, so I made her sit in her Minnie Mouse chair.  Though this was the first and last time.  She loves that chair so we don't want to turn it into the naughty chair (I just said that in my head with an english accent like super nanny).

I heard someone else does 30 second time outs with their almost two year old, so I figured that sounded good.  It took about 5 minutes and physically putting her back in the chair several times, but finally she sat there for the period.  When I let her up I told her that she was in time out for dumping her olives on the ground and I asked her to please pick them up.  She promptly sat down on the floor and picked up each and every olive and put them back in the bowl.  I thanked her and gave her a big hug and a kiss.  I was like holy shit, it worked!  It was like that feeling, where you always hear that something can work, and you think maybe it can but your doubtful because sometimes talking to a toddler is like talking to a wall.  But then it works and it's like yes, victory!

So today she kept grabbing an empty pop can and we told her no several times.  We took the cans from her and a few minutes later she went after the cans again.  We don't want her to have them since she's popped the tab off before and put them in her mouth, and she has cut herself on the can opening.  So I told her she would have to go in time out and my husband said to put her in the corner of the couch.  This was a great idea because our couch is L shaped, so it's very cushy so when I have to keep putting her back there, it's harder for her to get hurt.  She loves to run on the couch which she isn't supposed to do.  So if time out on the couch brings up some negative feelings about the couch, then that's not such a bad thing.

So again it took several tries of putting her back there before she would sit still for 30 seconds.  She kept getting up, or laying down and laughing, thinking it was a game.  But when she finally calmed down, she really looked like she knew she was being punished.  After 30 seconds I said she could get up and I told her why she was in time out and I gave her a hug and a kiss and she hugged me back.  It was amazing.  It was like win one for the parents!!

Missing mommy

My dad so graciously took my little bug today so I could spend the day painting the kitchen.  He even came and picked her up so I could get an earlier start.  The painting is done, almost.  I've only got one square spot above the window which I debated on skipping altogether, but decided it will bug me if I don't do it.  Em goes to her Nana's on Wednesdays so I will be able to finish up, and put the kitchen back together.  Then we just have to do the backsplash and the kitchen will be DONE!

The new tile floor was put in last winter, we got a new counter top, sink, and a few more cabinets last summer, and this painting job has been looming over me for a year now.  I so badly wanted to finish it before Em's birthday party last year, and here I am barely getting it done for her party this year.  I will be so happy to cross this project off my list.  Especially since I've had to look at two sections of new paint for a year now.

My dad had to make some angled boards to attach the baby gate to because the walls it screws into are different angles from each other.  Before he put the boards and gate up, he had me paint around it so the gate wouldn't need to come down when I eventually painted the room.  So I've had to look at two, 1 X 3 sections of cream colored paint, on my old white walls all this time.  It drove me nuts, I looked at those spots every day for a year and now they finally blend in with the rest of the wall!

So anyway, Em seemed a little unsure of leaving today.  I always drop her off at grandpa's so I don't think she knew what to make of him picking her up today.  Plus she was over there a lot longer than usual.  I guess when she fell and hurt herself earlier my dad was hugging and consoling her and she kept whining, mommy, mommy.  Awww, breaks my heart.  When I went to pick her up, she was extra happy to see me, and made me follow her into the kitchen where she kept pointing to a picture of me on the fridge and saying mommy.

Then when we were getting ready to leave, she got upset, I guess thinking I was leaving without her.  She does very well at both grandparents' houses, but it makes me feel good that she missed me.  She stood up on the couch and my dad told her to sit on her butt, and she started crying.  He didn't even yell, just told her no.  I was like awww honey, that's nothing.  Wait till your 17 and you go out with your boyfriend and he doesn't know where you are.  Now that's worth crying over, lol.  My dad worked midnight's when I was growing up, so I was used to pretty much being able to do whatever I wanted once he left for work, and my mom was in bed.  One night my dad was home, and my boyfriend came by so I told my dad I was going to sit in his truck with him in front of the house.  After a bit he wanted to drive around, so we did.  When my dad paged me at 2am, I knew I was in trouble for leaving.  We pulled up in front of the house and he was sitting on the porch with his arms crossed, looking pissed as hell.  I so did not want to get out of the car.  I didn't often get in trouble, and when I did my dad usually wasn't real mad, but this time he was mad!  Poor Em will get it from all angles, her overprotective daddy, two grandpas and an uncle!

  I hope it's not too hard on her to go to Nana's tomorrow and be away from me again.  But Nana missed her day last week because I had pink eye and I didn't want to go over there and infect anyone.  Luckily neither Emily or Ryan caught it.  I have never ever had pink eye before, I wonder where I picked it up from.  Weird.  But lately my eyelids have been super itchy and dry, and I wonder if it is from my make up, which is a different brand than I used to wear.  So maybe since I have been rubbing my eyes a lot more, I was more susceptible to the pink eye.  I wore eye make up the day before I got it, so it sucks that I have to toss it all.  But if that's what has been making my eyelids so itchy, I guess it is better to toss it and try a different brand.

I saw this on facebook today, I thought it was pretty funny and accurate:

I cannot stand the mommy wars and the nursing vs formula debate.  That's great if you were able to/want to nurse.  But don't make women who can't or chose not to feel bad, or act like you're superior for nursing your baby.  Because we all know, it won't be long before your wonderfully nourished with mother's milk baby starts eating cat food, boogers, crayons and God knows what off the floor.  Most kids, like mine, will not eat a lot of foods, especially healthy ones.  My kid hates meat.  If we try to sneak some chicken into her mac n cheese, her mouth can somehow filter through it, eat the noodles and spit out the chicken.  She lives on mac n cheese, go-gurt, and crackers.  Sure, it's great to give them that great start in life of breastmilk, but my mostly formula fed kid is doing just fine, she's happy, healthy, and smart and she's never even had so much as a cold (knock on wood).

I tried to nurse Em but I couldn't do it.  She would literally push me away.  But I also hate when women say, well it's one thing if a woman cannot nurse, but everyone should at least try.  Why?  Why should they?  I can understand if your baby was born sick, or was a preemie, it might be a good idea to give them that extra boost if you can.  But if your baby is perfectly healthy and you choose to formula feed, because you just don't want to nurse, I don't see why it is anyone's' business.  I don't want to bring up an abortion debate, but many many women who are pro-choice stick to the argument that it is the woman's body, therefore it is her choice what to do with it.  If so many people are ok with ending their pregnancy because it's their right to do with their body as they please, why is it suddenly not ok to choose not to nurse?  After all, it's my body.  Maybe I don't want a baby dangling off my boobs 24/7 for the next year.  Why is that even up for debate?  Why is what we do with our bodies no one else's business in one instance, but in another, you're condemned for choosing to keep your body to yourself ?  It's not like the baby is going to starve, formula is a perfectly acceptable alternative.

When Emily was born I definitely wanted to try nursing and I was dissapointed that it didn't work out.  I admit, I gave up pretty quickly, maybe I should have tried harder, but being a new mom was hard enough.  Besides, as it turns out she couldn't handle my milk anyway until she was about 6-8 months old.  I pumped for six months, and albeit it wasn't much, she did still get some breastmilk in addition to her formula bottles.  But her poor tummy was so upset and she cried all night due to gas for the first few weeks.  I tried to cut dairy out of my diet, but it was difficult.  I already wasn't eating much due to being so tired and busy with her, so to block out a huge food group was pretty hard.  I often forgot and ate dairy anyway, or ate something that I had no clue had dairy in it.  Graham crackers.  Did you know graham crackers has dairy in it???

But once I switched her to soy formula and started freezing all my pumped milk, her tummy troubles calmed right down.  So even if I had had success with getting her to latch, eventually I would have had to give up anyway because neither she nor I could go many more nights with no sleep and her crying and screaming all night long with gas pains.  But if we decide to have another....I don't know.  I may very well not even try to nurse.  I might change my mind and give it a shot.  Who knows, another baby might latch just fine, and have no tummy issues.  It would be nice to be able to just get up in the middle of the night and go nurse instead of making a bottle, and not have to wash bottles, and not buy formula, and not pump.  But, I have a lot of anxiety and worries about having another kid.  So if being a mom to a newborn and a toddler is really difficult for me at first and the idea of trying to nurse is causing me too much stress, I will have no problems with going straight to formula.

So speaking of another....I've lost a little of my baby fever.  I'm starting to waver a little.  But the thought that does still have me thinking of having another is, I won't regret having another, but I might regret not having another.  I mean sure, I can imagine almost every day when I am pregnant again, thinking and worrying if it was a good idea.  But once a new baby is here, I'll never say man, I wish I had stopped at Emily.  I was very indifferent to Emily's arrival for a lot of reasons, and she drives me crazy on a daily basis, but even during the worst tantrums and the least amount of sleep, I have never ever ever regretted my decision to have kids.

But....a magic kingdom baby isn't going to happen.  I thought maybe it would be fun to try and see what happens while we're there, but no.  Which kind of sucks because I finally got my period today after going off the pill at the end of December, so if my body decides to cooperate, I could very well ovulate while we're there in two weeks.  But I am just not ready.  I don't even think I am ready to try in March like we always talked about.  I really really want to get some weight off first.  I've been trying to lose for a long time, and I haven't done great this last week or so because I was sick last week and now this week our kitchen is torn apart, so we're getting take out.  But I did really well with my diet and exercise for a few weeks prior.  I finally feel like I have my drive back, the will to actually work hard to make it happen, vs just wishing I could snap my fingers and be skinny...though I admit, that would be soooo nice ;)

My overall goal will take a while, but if I could get pregnant once I've lost just half of my goal, I think that would be a good compromise.  It's not where I want to be, but it will be a lot less than what I weighed going into both my other pregnancies, and maybe that weight loss could be the difference in not being diabetic again.  So, we'll re-visit the topic in June-ish.